Muse

This message is brought to you by AppleCard. AppleCard puts the power of titanium in the palm of your hand. What does that mean? It means the power to earn unlimited daily cash back on your purchases every day. It means a materially different credit card accepted anywhere in the world MasterCard is accepted. Ditch the plastic. Upgrade to titanium. Applying the Wallet app on iPhone today. Subject to credit approval, AppleCard is issued by Goldman Sachs Bank USA Salt Lake City Branch.

terms and more at applecar.com. Back to school starts now. Get long-lasting battery life on the Dell XPS laptop powered by Series 3 Intel Core so you can work from anywhere. Now starting at $699 with exclusive student pricing starting at $599. Complete your setup with savings on select monitors and must-have electronics and accessories. Limited time deals and free shipping on PCs and more await you at dell.com slash deals. That's dell.com slash deals.

Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan.

Okay, let's get started. Hey, Brian, welcome to Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Hello, Brian, How are you? Nice. Nice. Look at you guys. Amazing. Look at us. You look even better on Zoom.

Yeah. That's great. Just look at us. Isn't that an incredible sight? Brian, very nice to meet you. I'm told that you are a wedding vow writer. Is that correct? Yes. Yes, sir. And you don't just write wedding vows. You write any speech that would be a part of a wedding ceremony. Is that

correct? Speeches, uh, the wedding ceremony itself. If you have a friend or a family member doing it, uh, all the written parts of the wedding that have been largely, uh, neglected from

professional guidance. I mean, first of all, this sounds like a demand that's a job that's much in demand, but second, how did you create this gig? Where did the idea come from? Well, it's actually

got a uh got a connection to you uh slightly uh adjacent a guy named doc switzer a friend of mine very close friend of mine recommended uh or introduced me to john max the writer uh the tv writer yeah and uh max uh and i interviewed him during a during covet i like many people started a covet podcast where i i just started interviewing friends that had done something in their lives And he started talking about his role as a ghostwriter, and I had officiated a few weddings and helped friends and family write speeches, because before this, I was in politics. I was a political consultant. Sure. So you had written speeches before. Correct. Correct. And so I was looking to get out of politics, because politics sucks. Badly. That's what I hear. Yeah, yeah. It was soul-crushing, and I just felt a part of the problem. so I wanted to get out of it. And, uh, and so, uh, I had this idea and I started looking around and there were people that wrote speeches, but there was nobody that was making a real business out of it. A couple of people that had, that had, uh, been doing it at some level or another, but, uh, but I went on, there was an app called clubhouse at the time where all of the wedding people were congregating cause they had nothing to do during COVID. And I, I went in there and it's, it's like an audio conference room where you raise your hand. I raised, I raised my hand I said, hey, what do you guys think about this? And they loved it. And I made a site that day and I put some stock photography up and put an ad out and got a client the next day. And I was like, OK, there's something here. So we explored that. My wife and I were in politics together. And now we're in this together. We went to a conference and started talking to people. And my wife, Nicole, was like, you know, you've had a lot of cockamamie ideas before, but this isn't one of them. And so we figured it out. It's the very sweetest thing she ever said to you.

You know, you're a real idiot, but I think you accidentally hit something. I'm more about quantity, you know? Yeah. All right. Well, Brian, I think about speeches a lot. I watch other people's speeches. I take them really seriously. uh let's discuss our do's and don'ts my first thing i would say is and i just want to know if you agree that the biggest mistake people make is they go on too long oh absolutely i mean

what do you think the longest speech uh so i talked to wedding planners and i asked him this question like what's the worst story you have what's the longest speech or whatever it is the record is 50 minutes five zero five zero for which speech for like who at the wedding like a father of a this would be a father of the bride speech like yeah all of the long ones

no no that is i mean uh it really depends on what

it is but i i i think that if you're if you're saying some words at a at a wedding i'm guessing it i mean you should really be thinking about three minutes or four tops three to four minutes

three to four minutes is plenty to do justice you know i mean you're there you're there to give a gift right you're there to honor the couple both sides right not just one of them not just the person you know you're there no matter what you feel you're there to to make people happy and including them and if you're going even five look you're you're in you're in comedy i'm a huge fan of comedy five minutes is hard like five doing a straight five minutes where you're funny unless you're trained it's hard and i i think uh people try to do five all day long without being funny or without having any instincts at all and uh and it just starts to drone and so uh 20 minutes is wedding disrupting and 40 minutes is like a wedding killer i mean that's what what people

are going to talk about so when people reach out when people reach out to you well 50 minutes is a war crime and everyone should be arrested yeah and and here's another thing too is uh i think when um people underestimate the value of sincerity that if you're talking it's a very important occasion and this is the biggest day of these people's lives and you're if you want to be funny great but also remember that it's a big thing that's happening and people sometimes don't realize you can just be nice and you can try and talk about the emotional uh power of the event

without just trying to kill does that make sense yes it does i mean sincerity as long as it works towards the mission. Right. I mean, I've had clients where they don't like, they don't like the person they're talking about. I see. Yeah. They have their best friend and they don't like who they're marrying or, you know, I had one, one extreme case where I had a client who was marrying his third wife. The kids, uh, did not particularly like the third wife and we had to work around, you know, it was like, Hey, what you have, you must have something nice to say about them and they're like well they're good at getting their nails done and you know i mean it was stuff like that and so you have to work your way around that and make it fun for the audience at the same time so yes sincerity but not but this is not confessional right this is a time to to have uh to to talk about the good parts and to make you know to make it entertaining but also uh make them happy and and so yeah no sincerity is thing is fun uh or sorry sincerity is important but but it has to be fun and it can't be something that's all but also i what i see a lot too is

people at weddings that they're giving a a toast you know a best man speech or you know bridesmaid speech they think they really have to roast the person and you just have to know what you're doing if you're going to roast the person because that can go horribly wrong and you've

probably seen it go horribly wrong well i haven't seen it go horribly what have you heard what's a story you've heard of the worst horror stories i've heard of uh involve people disclosing things like uh past relationships uh cocaine use um uh getting up there and well the worst the hands down the worst was the it was conveyed to me by a luxury wedding photographer and she talked about how at one wedding a very expensive wedding the father of the groom thought it was the right time to disclose that he and the he and the groom went to a brothel in south america no and yes well it

is a bonding experience and that's where he met his bride yeah especially when you share the

prostitute according to the story wedding over wedding right everybody yelling and crying yeah

That's your question? Yeah, I'm interested. I'm doing some research. You know what? I've read about the etiquette of this. It's fascinating. I really didn't, and I've got nowhere to go on this.

This is an extreme story.

Can you imagine being at a wedding where the groom's father says, and then my son and I shared a prostitute?

Yeah. But I love those moments. I prefer train wreck moments and moments where you cringe over a smooth wedding. I like it way more.

Would you feel the same at your wedding? That is more interesting than mediocre, right? But not at a wedding, you know? And so it was, yeah. I mean, most of the stories that are bad, I have one where, like, the groom's best man had everybody get ready with their keys. and at some point in the speech he goes jingle your keys if you've slept with the bride right and so

You know, all the groomsmen, like, stuff like that. But it's like. The crowd went, like, key jangling crazy. But even with vows, there's a viral one about, you know, where the bride talks about how much she loves her husband. And then the groom gets up and he goes, I just want to smack that booty. Oh, God. And that's all he says. Come on, man.

Well, wait, is that a bad thing? Or, I mean.

Well, if she's pouring her heart out to you. There's nothing wrong with that. Yeah.

And then he responds, I just want to smack that booty. He wants to smack that booty.

Yeah, but that's not okay.

But that's sincere.

That's a vow.

I mean, how was her booty? And they're a very traditional couple. He was waiting to the wedding night to smack that booty.

You just want them balanced. You want both of them to say that, right? If one's saying love and the other one's saying booty, this is an imbalance we've got us all. Yes, that's a tragic imbalance. That's why you need somebody to look over it, you know.

Yes, yes.

That's why we started Vows and Speeches. We're doing this thing, you know.

I was at the airport. I was waiting in one of those long lines. And I kept saying, hey, let me through. I'm Conan O'Brien. And they said, shut up. You'll wait in line. And I went, okay. That's so sad. It's a really good story. But I was hungry. I didn't have a snack with me. You got to keep... And I didn't want to lose my place in line and go try and find something.

I know.

That's when you got to have Nutri-Grain on you.

You got to always have a snack in your bag. and when it's a Nutri-Grain, it's perfect.

It's perfect because it's the right size. It's handy. It's also nutritious. Yes. Okay. You can go anywhere. It's made with 10 grams of whole grains, 10 vitamins and minerals. These guys are obsessed with 10s and no high fructose corn syrup. Nutri-Grain nourishes and it hits the spot with delicious flavors. They got strawberry, apple cinnamon, blueberry flavors. I just had a blueberry back in the snack area.

Yeah.

With a little bit of a glass of milk.

You earned it. Nice job.

Nice job. Find nutritious and always delicious Nutri-Grain bars at your favorite store or online retailer today. And look for new Nutri-Grain Crunchy bars in stores near you. Oh, I'll get that crunchy, I will. Big news, Sona.

Yeah?

Did you know T-Mobile recently partnered with the National Park Foundation?

No way.

Yep, they're making it easier to stay connected so you're free to wander.

Well, that's really cool.

And I love a national park. I really do.

I do too.

Now, there's one thing you have to have if you're doing that, good signal. It's a priority. Do you know what I mean? You got your maps, your music, this podcast. Yeah. So take America's best network plus their off-grid satellite coverage with you. Look, we're all a little spoiled, but we like to have access to all our stuff. And suddenly you don't have it because of a bad single. That's when I throw my phone into the Grand Canyon.

Oh, okay.

Literally filled half the Grand Canyon with phones. Then I got T-Mobile and never had to chuck them again. You know? Good. So wander over to T-Mobile.com and switch. Best based on analysis by Ookla of speed test intelligence data for 2H 2025. Wow, that's some sentence. T-Satellite with capable device in most outdoor areas in US where you see the sky. That's important. You got to see the sky. Yep. Service may be limited or unavailable. Included with experience beyond or $10 per month. Auto renews. Cancel any time. That was probably meant to be said by a robot really quickly, but I just did it slowly so you could really understand. Disclaimer, please do not throw your phone into the Grand Canyon. Now, normally, Eduardo, you are sitting behind the board. You are the puppet master. You're working all the dials and switches making this podcast happen. But I've asked you to step out. I'm nervous. And I think you're going to like this surprise. Okay. And it involves our friends at Miller Lite. I know that you're a massive football fan because we've caught you watching matches while we're taping a podcast and you clearly have just taped some of the buttons down into position so you can watch. I'm going to present to you Miller Time MVP match ball. This is the Miller Time MVP match ball. Look at this thing. Miller Lite knows you're a big fan. So they asked me to give this to you. And look at this. It holds up to 12 Miller Lice. This is incredible. Yes. Wow. I've been asked to specify, do not kick this ball. Oh, shoot.

I was just going to ask that.

No, do not kick this ball because 12 beers will go flying through the air. Tell me, how is this going to be used? Where is this going to go in your home?

Instantly. I mean, I've been watching all the matches with friends and family. This is the perfect piece to add to the table. This is really cool. Here, you want one?

Oh, thanks a lot. Oh, look, thank you, thank you. Look at, oh, it's cold. It keeps, I don't wanna make any promises, but I think it's actually kept it kind of chill.

which is nice. Hey, well, cheers to you. I appreciate that. Cheers to you, Eduardo. Remember, celebrate responsibly. Miller Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces. This is a paid ad by BetterHelp. All of us learn about stigmas when we're a kid, things we're probably not supposed to talk about, things we're not supposed to share, maybe be a little ashamed of. Even in 2026, stigma can get in the way of a lot of things like getting support for your mental health. Unbelievably, that's still an issue for people. Maybe you've encouraged friends to consider therapy while avoiding taking the first step yourself because you're busy or you're worried what others would think or you're telling yourself you can handle it alone. This is a situation where you can't do it alone. You need to talk to someone else. But therapy with BetterHelp, the world's largest online therapy platform, can be a space to slow down and talk through what's been building before it feels unmanageable. Here's how it works. You just take a short questionnaire to identify your needs and preferences and BetterHelp will handle the initial therapist matching work for you. That's huge. Their industry-leading match rate means BetterHelp typically gets it right the first time. You can feel confident knowing BetterHelp therapists work according to a strict code of conduct. We have never had that here at the show. And unlike us, they are fully qualified. Don't let hesitation hold you back. Find support with BetterHelp. Sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com slash Conan. That's betterhelp.com slash Conan. So what you're doing is you're meeting with them, you're finding out basic information, and then you're helping them write it. They participate in the process.

Absolutely. You know, I interview them. I record it. So I try and get their, you know, in politics, I had to, I couldn't write like myself. I had to write like the person I was representing. So that's what I'm doing here. I'm ghostwriting. And so I interview them. I'm asking questions like, hey, when you guys moved in together, what did you want to throw out that they wouldn't let you? You know, like, what do they have an odd collection of? His sex robot. Sex robots. Yeah. Yeah.

Why do you want to throw me out? I have nowhere to go. Please.

But that would make a fantastic vow, right? Now you've got a personalized vow. Sometimes she'll leave town.

You'll still need me. She goes to the grocery store, doesn't she? You make love robotically.

Notice who's been cleaning the bathroom. It isn't her. So you pull all that stuff together. You write about the robot. You throw that in. The crowd loves it. Especially the robot.

If my wife and I ever renew our vows, I'm doing 20 minutes on a sex robot. She'd be worried if you didn't. I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you have them read? She'd be the one to hire me. Yeah. So I'd have to, like, figure out how to balance this out. Do you have them read the speech or do they memorize it usually? Never memorize. I never encourage people to memorize it. You could sit in your room all day long trying to memorize something like this. But this is the first time they've read it in front of their friends and family. They need something to reference. I want them to get fluent with it so they can look up. And when you listen to somebody read something for the first time, there's a cadence that I'm sure you've heard where it's almost word by word. When somebody's read it enough times out loud, they've got some muscle memory, and now they can speak sentences. And that's really where I want them to get to. But yeah, we do delivery coaching as part of it. There's no AI whatsoever, except for the transcribing process when I interview them. that's the only time i ever use ai for this but the writing itself is all me and them and i'm using as much of their words and stories as as as possible and you know like sometimes we'll write something that's that's specific uh specifically new uh but it but it's only to accentuate the

stories that they have all right well brian i have a pet peeve yeah i see uh now if i'm at weddings or occasions and people give up, get up and speak. Younger people primarily tend to read off of their phone and I just don't love it. I don't love people. I would rather they have it on a piece of paper and that makes me probably sound like an old man. But there's just something that feels very inauthentic. You see the glowing screen. The minute they take their phone out and go i just want to say a few words it almost gives the impression that they used an app

it's or they just wrote it right or they just wrote it some of these people have spent tens of thousands of dollars hiring photographers and videographers right and now you've got a shot that's like

Like somebody took a flashlight and it's for Halloween, right? Like that ghoulish, you know, up lighting. That's one thing. But all of the photographs will look like, hey, they're looking at their phone. Yeah. They're on stage, but they're looking at their phone. It looks terrible. It's also hard to track. I mean, it's also something if you're reading off of it, you'll lose your place very quickly. Oh, yeah.

People are always going, hold on, hold on, hold on a second. Yeah.

Let me scroll for a little while. That's great video. So it's very unnatural, you know. And, yeah, so there's basic stuff like that that we advise them. But mainly it's just, like, you have people that are just good at math or they're good at something else and they're good at science. They're just not the best writers or they're terrified of doing this publicly. And also some of it's just they're just not funny. And you need a little bit of that humor. I mean, and, you know, I've been watching you from the beginning. I actually was a big fan of not necessarily the news back in the day. Oh, cool. when i was i think two or three i'm not sure yeah yeah uh and um and i uh you know i i know how to find like very mild humor in what they're saying and just just as an offset to the sentimentality you can't have like the same tone for the same three minutes otherwise it's going

to be a very boring song i just think uh we all have that situation where we see something go horribly wrong but mostly i think the biggest crime in public speaking is when someone just keeps going and going and going it's like and you think it's ending and then they go oh and another thing and then you just feel disrespected like time is precious and when someone's up there going and going and going you just want to throttle them okay there's people that have

you've stuck people on a table i want to throttle them you want to get violent yeah oh and i feel And that was one of the motivating factors for starting this. I'm like you. I can't stand it. You know, and you put us at a table with people we're supposed to like, right? We're supposed to be talking and laughing and whatever. You're asking us to be quiet for four speeches sometimes, maybe five if there's like a step parent. And now, and if they don't stick to the timeline, we're in for like 40 minutes of people talking and not us not talking. And, you know, for people like me, it's hard. Yeah. And so. So, yeah, you have to pay credence to that and give them give them give the audience the respect of of like, yeah, I'm going to keep this short and make it punchy and and make it fun. And if you just hog the mic, you're you're not doing that.

Yeah. I also think people should lie more. I think Norm MacDonald discovered the perfect formula because he would come on my show and his celebrities are always trying to think of their funny story. You know, and I went and I got the cake and it fell. And that's when Harry Hamlin said, you know, like, well, OK, great. I want to hear that story. I know.

That sounds cool.

It's a really good story. But but Norm MacDonald would come on the show and just tell old salesman jokes from like the 1920s that you could probably buy in the Sears catalog. And it was insane. But he would commit to them. And I would think, yeah, people should just say, you know, I just want to tell a funny story about the bride. And then it's just the plot to some great comedy movie from the 1950s.

I have retold the moth joke like a thousand, I mean, a thousand times. I mean, that joke, I mean, you're telling me he didn't learn that from a cabbie? I mean, that, you know.

Well, he didn't know he was going to, you know, he wasn't doing that. He wasn't supposed to do that segment. He was supposed to do one segment. And I, on the fly, said, let's do a second segment, Norman. He was like, what? and then I he just had to make it up and he just I mean I think he had maybe told that before but he just went for it and it's become this iconic

Alexander Vidovich or whatever yeah yeah yeah

my son Alexander yeah yeah exactly well this is I'm glad you're out there this is going to help people immensely and mostly you're helping their audience because I want more and more people who are giving toast at a wedding to get some advice before they do it yeah because if I'm going to be sitting there I don't want to get violent

we ask people to do these like people uh ask their friends and family to be officiants all the time and it's it's one of the bigger trends in in weddings where you don't hire an officiant you hire a friend you ask a friend to do it but they don't know how to do it nope right they don't know how to write an eight to ten minute narrative of a love story and make it beautiful and funny and and keep it going they don't have no guidance so our our whole job here is just to help people along through this process and and make it fun and make it fun for everybody including the audience

Well, I'm glad you're doing it. It's been lovely chatting to you, Brian, but I want to make sure this doesn't go on too long. And I just got out on a big laugh. But Brian, take care. Thank you so much.

Hey, it's been a real pleasure. I love you guys. We drove across country listening to you. Thank you.

I'm a national speech champion. I feel like I had to mention that at some point in this interview. And I've been married. Have you officiated a wedding? Yes, I have. Incredible. All three of us have. How'd you do? I have. Oh, I crushed it. The couple immediately broke up because of my speech. How did I do? I officiated for one of your friends.

Yeah, it was really great.

I did a great job, of course.

Okay. All right.

Well, Brian, go forth and continue your good works. Thank you, Conan. And thank you all. Thanks, everybody. Take care.

Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ovcesian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Leow. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Supervising producer, Aaron Blaird. Associate talent producer Jennifer Samples. Associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan wherever fine podcasts are down.

Hey everybody, it's your best friend Aaron Blart here. You know me from Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, Clueless Gamer, and all things Team Coco. I'm also the host of Blaze Arcade, a weekly call-in show on Conan O'Brien Radio, where my friends and I discuss anything and everything pop culture, from Jurassic Park to Fast and Furious and everything in between. I'm excited to share that now, full episodes of Blaze Arcade will be available every Friday on Team Coco's YouTube channel. And if you want a chance to be featured on the show and have something to say, leave us a voicemail at 855-266-2604. Once again, that's 855-266-2604. New episodes of Blaze Arcade every Friday on Team Coco's YouTube. See you there.