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Hi everyone. I'm Stephanie Wilder Taylor, and this is Drunkish, the podcast based on Drunkish, my memoir about quitting drinking, which is available. I'm just saying, Please do me a favor and rate or review this podcast. Give it a watch and follow it on YouTube. It really helps me out. My guest today is my friend, Misty Milner. Okay, I'm switching things up a little bit. Misty, not an alcoholic, but she did struggle with anorexia and disordered eating for several long periods in her life. And I know her story will be relatable to a lot of people. And I'm excited to tell you that you can find Misty on a substack called That's What She Said, writers.substack, where she discusses this topic and a lot more to come. So here she is. well hi misty thank you for coming and doing drunkish the show oh i'm so glad i know all about your story today we're talking about um anorexia and something that you've struggled with on and off for for many years and um i think will be a very relatable story to a lot of people Yeah, unfortunately.

Yeah.

Yeah. So I don't know. Let's just start. Let's just start at the beginning. You know, I know the story. Share it with our listeners. How did it start? What was your upbringing like? Sure, sure.

So I grew up in a suburb of Salt Lake City. I still live in the same city. It's called Sandy, Utah. It's a 20-minute drive from downtown Salt Lake City. um grew up in uh I was raised LDS Mormon um but not we weren't completely entrenched in the Mormon religion my dad was not Mormon my mom was raised Mormon we kind of just got sent to church because that's what everybody did and um so a lot of my i think early memories are of just perfect families perfect you know moms and um you know just that whole sense of um um, appearances matter kind of, kind of thing. And so, um, kind of stopped going to church around 15, which was fine, which was also right around the time that I had my first eating disorder situation. Um, I, I wasn't extremely overweight. I was just kind of a little pudgy in end of elementary school, all through middle school. And I really just didn't want to go to high school.

heavy and so I dieted between eighth and ninth grade and went to school and everybody was like

oh my gosh you look so great and was this after that kid made a comment to you yes and I also want you to touch on um because I think this is really important prior to you starting to have an eating disorder and things switching up. You loved treats, right? Like we all do.

Yeah, absolutely. No, I, I definitely had a sweet tooth. Um, my, my mom was just an amazing baker and amazing cook. And so a lot of, I think just like most people, your upbringing childhood memories are of food and holidays and, and things like that. So I always loved that kind of thing. And our house, we kind of our country was known in the neighborhood as the pantry that had all the great treats. And we had Ding Dongs and Susie Hughes and Froot Loops and all the sugar cereals and Pop Tarts. And a lot of our friends didn't have that kind of food at their house. And so a lot of times they come to our house and I, you know, just like a lot of kids, I sneak treats. And, um, you know, there, you always knew that you shouldn't overindulge, but I like to overindulge a little bit. So, um, yeah, so I was, I was a littler on the heavy, heavy side. And, um, in middle school, I, we had like a national honor society banquet from eighth grade to ninth grade. and um I remember they had like this huge cake that they cut and there was a lot of pieces of cake on plates and um I was there with my friend and we went to go get dessert and I thought I'll just grab a piece for my mom and dad so I had three pieces of cake and um this kid that I was friends with, um, with two other kids, very popular boys at the time, um, made a comment to the effect of, gosh, Misty, do you really need three pieces of cake? And I was just humiliated and devastated. And I just wanted to leave. So we kind of just left. And I remember crying in the car on the way home. And, um, yeah, I just, I just was like, I don't want to be like this. When I go to high school, I want to, I want to get some weight off and, and look good. So

that you were even honestly chubby. Um, not, I would say yes. I think so. You know, in comparing

to my two best friends um who i'm short uh five foot two and my two best friends were you know they're five five five seven you know somewhere in there very tall thin girls and i i don't know i was chubby and i i feel like i was buying clothes from um like i stopped buying clothes out of the girls department earlier than I probably should have. And, um, but I wasn't like obese or anything, but yeah, I, I would say I was probably a little heavy.

So maybe, so that comment tapped into something that you already were maybe slightly worried

about. Oh yeah, no, I, I knew, and you know, I, in looking around and comparing and, um, I knew I was on the heavier side and you know like you do in middle school I think I remember um uh that movie oh Flash Ants came out and that uh Cynthia Rhodes character had that cute spiky haircut and I you know kind of it was like a female mullet essentially and so I got that haircut and not good it just like accentuated my roundness of my face and you know you just try really hard and you're just so awkward in those years anyway it's just a hard it's just a hard time and so um I just didn't want to feel awkward anymore I just wanted to feel like everybody else is what I wanted to feel like so you tell your mom right I tell my I tell my mom and um she uh says um she says um you know i i understand um i i i'm happy to help you and very supportive um and let's walk let's you know that that kind of thing normal mom shit normal mom normal mom stuff so um I remember walking with our neighbors across the street uh there uh that mom and and my my friend who was a year older and we would walk you know like an hour every night maybe not every night but several nights a week and um all I remember a lot of the women in our neighborhood walked and walked and walked and every everybody's mom was on a diet and you know everybody's mom was doing Jane Fonda in the basement or going to jouser size and and so you know I just you just okay well I guess that's what I I've got to do too so yeah I lost weight and I came to my freshman year in high school it's like a completely different person now are you also starting to restrict food or were you just walking? I was mainly just walking and I would say that I wasn't really restricting food until I got into my freshman year in high school. I was mainly just kind of watching what I was eating and but the comments that I received and the oh my gosh how did you do it? You look so amazing. I just thrived on that. I didn't get that kind of attention and I just in the back of my mind I thought I wonder you know if I lost another five pounds what would people say and then it kind of just started to spiral and I just that's when I really

started restricting foods and um massive like exercise but but at the time for me it was walking like I if I didn't get my walk every day I was just a horrible awful person I felt bad for my family apologizing for the behavior I was awful to live with if I didn't get you know my meal the way I wanted it or if it wasn't something that if my mom made dinner and it wasn't something I wanted I kind of threw a fit um yeah it was I was kind of awful like it was not um it was I don't have you know happy memories of that time I was very very in the throes of it so so what

happened so you do start to lose more weight I do start to lose more weight um and I really don't

have clear memories about how I stopped doing it um I just I just kind of yeah I went through high school and um I gained a little bit of weight probably more towards graduation time but I was still pretty thin. Um, but I got a scholarship to a great university here in Utah and I just kind of stopped doing it. I just put it on the back burner and, um, and that's our show. Everything was, yeah, that's it. And I'm great. Healthy, stable.

Yeah. I just went away. It just went away. Yeah. Listen, for anybody out there that's struggling just like it'll just go away you're fine no problem yeah yeah so I I went to college

and I gained some weight I remember going to um like once a week I would treat myself and go to Arby's and they would have a chicken cordon bleu sandwich and french fries and I loved it and so my my schedule was such that I had a break that I could go to Arby's in between um and uh so I you know I I don't know what I put say I put on the freshman 15 but I just kind of loosened up a little bit but I kept my walking I you know still tried to kind of watch it but I I gained a little weight but I looked great I'm sure I looked just fine um but at my job I think I was it was in between my sophomore and junior year I was doing some work at the company where I worked in the summer I was staining some decks and um we would always have like once a month we'd have a a weekly lunch meeting and um I I'm pretty sure we had like little caesar's pizza and I had grabbed a couple pieces of pizza and I love their crazy bread so I grabbed a couple pieces of crazy bread and and someone made a comment about you know oh you better you better um you know maybe put one of those breadsticks back you know you don't want to fall through these decks that you just stained and I just I was horrified again I just felt that exact same feeling I felt

you know, when I was going into high school and, um, I remember sitting at that meeting, I didn't eat a thing and I was just horrified. And I just was like, how did you let yourself go? I just immediately thought, Oh, I'm, I'm just like, terrible, terrible. And, um, this is when I really, really, um, this was my worst bout with anorexia. So pretty much junior and senior year of college um I was very very restrictive I had like one of those little like pudding cup size things of special k uh with like a splash of milk that was my breakfast I had the same lunch every day a bagel an apple and a yogurt that was my biggest meal of the day And then at dinner, I would always have these meals by myself. I didn't want to eat in front of people. I didn't want people to question what I was eating or critique what I was eating. I just wanted to be left alone. And then at work, in between lunch and dinner, I would go to the 7-Eleven and I would get a big gulp of Diet Coke. i probably had had six cans of diet coke before this i just kind of lived on diet coke um but i get a big lope and then like two pieces of bazooka gum and that was kind of my treat and i would just keep the gum in the side of my mouth i totally have enamel problems right now because of it every time i go to the dentist um he knows but sometimes someone there doesn't and they'll ask me about it. And I have to like relive that a little bit. But there are few things more

fascinating than a child's imagination. You'll see it in the castles, the cities and the spaceships they build, turning a few blocks into entire universes. Lego sets get to be a part of that from the very beginning. It's not just a toy. It's a creative building journey that grows alongside your child. Starting play as early as one and a half with Lego Duplo, then transitioning to the smaller Lego bricks. And suddenly, those simple builds turn into detailed structures. That's the magic of Lego bricks. You're not just watching them play, you're watching their imagination expand. Learn more and start building today with Lego bricks.

Lots of places can expose you to identity theft.

Oh no.

That's why LifeLock monitors hundreds of millions of data points a second for threats to your identity, which is way more than anyone can do on their own. If we find anything suspicious, like new loans or changes to your financial accounts we alert you right away all through text phone email or the lifelock app get the alerts that could make all the difference save up to 30 with promo code news at lifelock.com terms apply but that's kind of how i got through

the afternoon until i had something for dinner and um and then my dinner i was i was working almost full-time at the time plus full-time school I didn't eat at home a lot I a lot of times I was just kind of in between school and work so I loved those days because I could have like a can of chicken noodle soup and like I gave myself like five saltines and that was pretty much all I ate um and I got down to um I think 86 pounds and um at the time I was really upset my work um my boss at my work told me that you know they were concerned about me and if I if I kind of didn't get myself together I could find another job and I I was very offended which is so crazy though it is crazy from today's standards absolutely that they would feel comfortable yes I was just like this is none of your business I'm getting I'm getting my work done I'm doing

a good job um did your mom like also but you still lived at home I still lived at home was your

your mom must've been concerned. Oh, my mom was, my mom was horrified. And, um, you know,

I don't know how she put up with me, but wasn't she worried? Like, are you having a health problem? Are you eating? And you probably lied and said, well, she, she knew about this because, um,

You know, she knew from my high school experience, and I don't know that as much was known back then as is today. about eating disorders. Um, but yeah, she was very concerned and, um, I was very, just kind of leave me alone. Um, yeah, just not pleasant to, to be around. Um, just not happy, you know?

You think that was also, because I mean, I want to also talk about this later, like advice to moms, you know, a lot of moms our age, listen to the show and might be concerned about their teenage daughters eating. I'm wondering though, if your prickliness was to kind of keep people from trying to ask too many questions because you don't want to change your behavior. Yes. A hundred percent. Then nobody's going to want to deal with you. Then you're like,

good. Yes. Yeah. No, I just wanted to be left alone. And you know, my weight was like, number one, what I was weighing was the most important thing. It was some sort of correlation to my worth, you know, and the smaller I was, the better, kind of the better, which is ridiculous. But yeah, I know, but my mom and dad were both very, very, very concerned. And looking back on it now, I am so happy that that my boss did this, but he pretty much forced me to go see an eating disorder therapist. And, um, I only saw her for about, um, five months and this was my senior year. It was right as I was graduating, graduating. And, um, she really, um, helped me kind of understand that, you know, one of my hangups was, um, eating the sweets that I loved so much. And I had this too, where you were like,

I'm only going to have, yeah. Tell, tell people about the, your, your word thing. Not weird. I mean, your rule about dessert. Yeah. So, um, I, I told myself that I could

have a dessert on holidays and birthdays. And that was it. No sweets. And so, um, I was very, um, rigid about, about that kind of thing. And, and it was kind of fine in the first of the year because we had several birthdays in a row, but like from like June until like, you know, uh, I feel like it was, yeah, my brother's birthday is in November. Like it was just like the desert. And so I loved that period of time where I actually got to have a dessert, but

Isn't it amazing? And I think people do this with other things too, but the rules we'll make for ourselves as if, as if it's some magical, like, okay, This is how it works. I figured it out. If you have a dessert, one dessert in January, one dessert in February and one dessert in March, and then nothing till November, like that's how, that's how life works. That's exactly. Yeah, I know. That's exactly how I was.

And so I always was, you know, literally counting the days. Okay. And 38 days it's dad's birthday or whatever, you know, so I'll get, I'll get a piece of cake. Would you have a big piece of cake? Oh, no, no. It's just teeny tiny little like half scoop of ice cream. But but, you know, after you eat it, you feel a little guilty and like, but it's kind of really what I was living for was the next the next dessert. And so, yeah, just really kind of crazy. So your food therapist. so my food therapist helped me understand you know it's okay to have dessert and it you know she I kept a food journal and I would drop it off with her at my appointment and then I'd take a new food journal and I would have to write about like have to write down what I ate how I felt when I was eating um I had never you know nobody in Utah had therapy like you know what I mean Like, no, that just wasn't a thing. And so you just didn't really talk about how you were feeling

about anything. I always feel like Mormon people, you know, from all the crime podcasts I've listened to, I always feel like Mormon people are very big though on keeping journals.

Yes. Yes. Yes. That was a huge, that's a huge thing. And, um, I, I do have a lot of journals from when I was younger. And yeah, it's, it's really big. And so I would, I would express my feelings in my, in my journals.

to other people about your deepest, um, thoughts and, and fears. And, um, so it was just really interesting. And, and I just felt so safe to tell her what I thought and at that point at the

beginning, were you eating still only your regimented, like, and then you would just, so your food journal would just be like little thing of special K or whatever. Yes. Yes. And and a chicken noodle soup. So would she say, Hey, yes. Yeah. She would say, Hey, instead of the diet

Coke for breakfast, you know, how about some juice? And I was just like, no way I am not drinking a hundred calories. That's ridiculous. No. So I never really like, I never really like did that, but like it, it, it registered, you know, it did register. But, um, like I remember in the journal, I, I, um, my mom makes the best banana cream pie and she just made a banana cream pie for Sunday dinner. And, um, I remember writing in my journal, I just decided to have a piece, even though it wasn't a special occasion. And, and she was like, you know, she had, she put like stickers in it, like, you know, like your elementary school story, like, great. And, um, you know, like, this is amazing. And, and she's like, and nothing happened. Right. And, and, you know, so it really worked for me like that, um, that, um, feedback and that validation about my feelings and, and, um, and that it's okay, you know, make doing something different. OK, really, really helped me. And I had a trip scheduled to go to Europe for graduation with a friend. And I had to make my dad just told me my mom and dad. I mainly remember my dad just telling me, hey, we're very concerned about you. And we don't you know, you need to gain some weight in order to go on this trip. And so the deal I made with him was to weigh 90 pounds. And so I gained the weight and it was, it was scary in the back of my mind. I thought, as soon as I get back, I'm just gonna, I'll just lose it. But for whatever reason, the therapy clicked. I came back from Europe and I just stopped. I stopped doing it. Um, and I think I, I maintained around 125 pounds for years years and years still exercising was importing important but I didn't have the same rules you know um did you ever discover during that time and I know again we

could say like okay yay so totally cured done yeah yeah end of show 23 minutes okay that's it Uh, but with, I mean, I'm interested in if you figure it out because the behavior is one thing. I wonder how important it is to figure out like, what are those feelings? Are they feelings

underneath it that you're trying to? There are few things more fascinating than a child's imagination. You'll see it in the castles, the cities and the spaceships they build, turning a few blocks into entire universes. Lego sets get to be a part of that from the very beginning it's not just a toy it's a creative building journey that grows alongside your child starting play as early as one and a half with lego duplo then transitioning to the smaller lego bricks and suddenly those simple builds turn into detailed structures that's the magic of lego bricks you're not just watching them play you're watching their imagination expand learn more and

start building today with lego bricks lots of places can expose you to identity theft oh no That's why LifeLock monitors hundreds of millions of data points a second for threats to your identity, which is way more than anyone can do on their own. If we find anything suspicious, like new loans or changes to your financial accounts, we alert you right away. All through text, phone, email, or the LifeLock app. Get the alerts that could make all the difference. Save up to 30% with promo code NEWS at LifeLock.com. Terms apply.

Camp down with controlling your weight. I mean, do you think it was just random, like something clicked in you and then you got caught up or did you, did you discover that there were feelings of like any childhood stuff or, or just low self-esteem or what, what that was? Cause that's drastic. I mean, 86 pounds. Really drastic.

I think, I really don't know why I did it. You know, I think self-esteem definitely.

you know, just to have a stupid comment, offhand comment that someone made that they never even really thought twice about just joking kind of thing. But like, I just really took it to heart. And I just, I really placed a lot of value on my worth in my size, for whatever reason. And, um, I think too, in college, I was pretty stressed out. Um, I worked a lot. Um, just that whole thing of like, what's next, you know, what, what, what am I going to do with my life? What, um, I think just all those feelings were hard to kind of, to deal with. and it was just really comforting to just live in this routine and to kind of live in this self imposed structure you know if I had this regimented day I could control that and it just felt like like I was getting to a place where oh there's all these things that I'm not quite sure that I'm going to be able to control when I graduate from college you know and and I think that that's what it was. Um, I kind of wish I would have continued doing therapy. She was in Ogden, which was an hour away and, um, wasn't super convenient, but she was kind of the only one around. And so, um, in retrospect, I, I probably should have continued going or continue some sort

of therapy. Um, I'd love for you to touch on, um, which was taking you back a little bit that incident, it's not really an incident, but that time that you went back to school shopping with your sister and you realized that your body was changing. Cause I also, I think that that can sometimes spark off like when you're a young girl and then your body starts changing.

Yeah. Yeah. Um, I think that that kind of goes back to, um, this would have been probably like middle school era. Um, and you know, my parents were so like generous with back to school. We always got five outfits and we got new underwear and new bras and new socks. And, um, you know, looking around at my friends, they didn't get that. And, you know, we didn't have a ton of money, but my parents really tried hard to, you know, and they always wanted us to have, you know, gas and your bow and, and, you know, the nice things. And, um, they had to work a lot to do that. But I just remember going, I don't remember how old exactly I was. I'm pretty sure it was middle school. And I just remember going to Mervin and like having to go to like the juniors department, but also kind of relieved that I wasn't gonna have to try on clothes in the, in the like girls section. Um, because I knew like nothing was gonna, gonna fit me. Um, but you know, I also remember my little sister, uh, super cute, you know, just perky, cute, uh, happy kid, lots of friends trying on all these cute clothes and just that feeling of like, that's never going to be me again. I'm always going to have to wear clothes or a little bit bigger than, you know, how like clothes used to be like size six, you were six years old. You know, remember that? Six X and yeah. And like, that was just like horrifying for me. Like I had to be whatever age I was, I had to be whatever I was supposed to be. And, you know, kind of later elementary, middle school, I wasn't. And that I just felt like I just wasn't. I just wasn't.

I just didn't want to be different. I remember the story to correct me if I'm wrong, being you found something cute and you needed it one size up and you were like, you were like, what? Like, I don't wear a size three or whatever it was. And then you were like, felt horrible after

that. Yeah. Yeah. Just like, you know, I just, I just didn't want to be different. I just wanted to be what was expected of me I just wanted to be um the right size so you're if that makes sense

you you have therapy you're uh graduating college you obviously adjust I mean you gained a good a good amount of weight because you became a normal

weight. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. And then life goes on. Yeah. Like life goes on. Um, you're, are you

restricting at all? Or are you just like, just exercise mainly, mainly managing weight through exercise. Um, again, big Walker walking as really big Walker, um, had to watch that very rigid about that had to walk 30 minutes a day. Um, I would, you know, at this point in time, I was living alone um getting up at five o'clock in the morning cracking the diet coke on the way to the gym um being at the gym for mainly on the treadmill just walking in the winter and outside in the summer but you know and then you know living my life I I got married um and married for six years before we had a baby, which in Utah is very, I was old. I was 27.

Oh God.

I know. I was like total spinster. Um, so, but then we waited for a long time to have kids, which is even weirder in Utah. Um, and, uh, my, my father passed away and that week that he passed away I told my husband I'm just really sad but my like my dad's never gonna know kid if we have kids they're never never gonna know him and um we started trying to have a baby um that like I stopped taking birth control that week and um my I had a baby like a year and one day after he died and um everything was fine like everything was great um my daughter's two almost two and I asked my husband I'm like we really should have one more like I don't want her to be I don't want her to have to take care of us she needs to have someone to help you know so my after you had your

daughter, you, you, the weight kind of came back off. Yeah, really, really easily. Um, I, you know,

people tell me if you nurse that that would help. And I wasn't excited about nursing. Um, but I thought, well, I'll give it a try. And I actually ended up really loving it. Um, but it really was hard with work and, you know, all of that kind of stuff. So I did it for six months. Weight came off

back to normal, just fine. No problem. There are few things more fascinating than a child's imagination. You'll see it in the castles, the cities, and the spaceships they build, turning a few blocks into entire universes. Lego sets get to be a part of that from the very beginning. It's not just a toy, it's a creative building journey that grows alongside your child. Starting play as early as one and a half with Lego Duplo, then transitioning to the smaller Lego bricks. And suddenly, those simple builds turn into detailed structures. That's the magic of Lego bricks. You're not just watching them play, you're watching their imagination expand. Learn more and start building today with Lego bricks. Lots of places can expose you to identity

theft. Oh no. That's why LifeLock monitors hundreds of millions of data points a second for threats to your identity, which is way more than anyone can do on their own. If we find anything suspicious like new loans or changes to your financial accounts we alert you right away all through text phone email or the lifelock app get the alerts that could make all the difference save up to 30 with promo code news at lifelock.com terms apply and so we get pregnant again a couple

years later and pregnant with twins I was terrified I was terrified of a lot of things terrified of am I gonna be able to work how could I afford daycare for three kids um how much weight am I gonna gain with with twins I gained I felt like I gained a lot of weight with my my daughter and I'm so small. I was pregnant everywhere with my daughter, like my face, my back, my arms, my leg. I just felt like I was huge. This is really hard. And so I was scared to be pregnant with twins. And, you know, you go along for a couple of months and then you find you kind of get excited about it. And we were two boys and it was like, great. We have one of each. We can be done well you know two two boys and a girl we've got both genders that's great and um you know then i start thinking about oh this will be fun little league and um you know matching clothes

and all the stuff. And then, you know, we go into the, you know, five month ultrasound and find out that one of the babies had died and they were not identical. So there was no danger to the living baby, but, um, it was very shocking. It was shocking. It was, um, sorry.

Yeah.

shocking. It was, looking back at it, it was, it was really devastating. It was,

it was weird because there was no danger to the other baby and there was nothing to be done. And so I just had to carry on with the pregnancy, knowing that one of the babies had passed away and um we also you know you're kind of like what happens when when we have these babies like are we gonna have a baby that looks like is it gonna look like a baby when the other baby's born or it was just really there was just all these weird things that we just didn't know how to do. And, and I, you know, we just, I had this toddler at home. I was working. I had another baby that I had to, to make sure was going to be okay. And, um, I spent the rest of the pregnancy trying to make other people comfortable with this, this bad thing that happened to, to me and my husband. And a lot of, you know, I, I think this happened for a reason. You know, I, I probably, you know, probably really, you only kind of get what you can handle. I just did a lot of trying to justify this tragedy that happened. I just didn't want people to feel bad for us and so we kind of just lived our life and didn't really talk about what had happened I never really talked about what had happened in my and my husband I never asked him are you okay and we just you know we were busy and we were dealing with our kid and um so it was just it was just this thing that was just really you just kind of didn't know what to do with so So we have our son, he's healthy, he's fine. The other baby didn't look like a baby. So we just decided to do like a medical waste situation, which felt so, just so kind of, it just felt so careless. I don't know if that's the right word. but we didn't, we didn't know what else to do. And I didn't want this big production over it. I had this new baby. He was healthy. I should be grateful for what, for what I have. And so that was kind of how I handled that. And so, you know, I, I had weighed like 172 pounds when I had given birth and just was horrified. Like, oh my gosh, this is going to be really hard.

to get this weight off. And, and so I decided a couple things. I kind of started running a little bit. My husband, you know, is definitely more active than I was. And so, you know, I'd see him running half marathons. And I think, Oh, that looks kind of fun. I wonder if I could do that. But I hate run. I hated running. So, you know, I would just go cheer him on. But so I would do some five K's or just some 30 minute jogs, that kind of thing. But, um, I thought, I wonder if I could run a half marathon to help me lose some of this baby weight. And, um, so I really got into running, but I also decided, you know what, I think I need a little extra help. So I'm going to go to Weight Watchers to help me lose this weight. And so went to Weight Watchers and loved everything about it. You know, there's rules, there's points, there's math, you know, it's easy, makes sense to me. This is, it spoke to me. I'm like, I can do this. And it really just helped me to kind of get get back on track a little bit with feeling it

control of like, I'm in control of myself. Now I can, I'm going to do this. And then I also started, um, training for a half marathon that, that we did. Um, I think my son was about, he was almost one when we ran that half marathon and I actually really loved it. And so, um, for the next couple of years, I just ran and ran and lots of half marathons and went to Weight Watchers. I made my lifetime goal before I even ran that first marathon, you know, my, my targeted weight that I had said that I wanted to weigh. And you know what, I just did it again. I just kept losing weight I just kept losing weight and um and you changed your goal I did yeah so my healthy weight range they told me was like 109 to one I want to say 135 or something like that and um I had told them you know I want to I want to get back to my 125 so I hit that 125 really quick um and uh so why don't I let's go to 115 you know that's that's that's not bad it's still within my healthy it's healthy so let's do that so I went down to 115 and I'm sure the Weight Watchers

people were all the happier to let to go great we're keeping you in the full keeping you and you have to keep paying because you have because now you have a different I have a new goal

now. But as all anorexics do, I hit that goal pretty quickly. And so I kept, you know, I kept that goal. I actually kept that goal for probably 10 years. But, you know, when I really got I'm pretty, I decided to try to run a full marathon before I turned 40. And so it was about a month before my 39th birthday, I did run a full marathon and, um, that takes it out of you. And, um, I was, I was down to like one Oh seven at that time. And so I did not want to be kicked out of Weight Watchers. And so I, you know, my tricks at Weight Watchers, you know, is I wouldn't eat before I went to Weight Watchers. I would go on like a six to eight mile run, no water, no nothing. And then I would make sure to go to the bathroom before I went and then I'd go weigh. And when I was down that low, like it was fine if I was lower than 115, but I couldn't be lower than 109. That was not okay. They were going to kick me out. So when I was down to 107, I would wear a hoodie. When I weighed in, I wouldn't take my shoes off. I would throw my car keys in my pocket of my hoodie. And I did that probably for about six months, just to stay in the program. And, um, I, I, you know, over time after that, I, I was able to kind of keep around the 115, but I was leaning on the no deserts unless it's holidays or birthdays. And, um, And yeah, I kind of kept doing that for a long, long time. And I think what's helped me, helped me now at the time I was frustrated about it was just COVID. I got a running injury.

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So I started walking my dog more than running and I, you know, I'm of that age now where, you know, I'm working my way through menopause and I've gained weight and it's hard. It's really hard because I was able to keep that weight for a long, long time. And I was really proud of that. And I just I haven't been able to. And it's kind of this double edged sword where I know that it's like 115 is probably not enough for me. I need to weigh a little more than that. But, you know, this is the most I've weighed in my whole adult life. And it's, it's really, it's a hard thing. It's a hard thing to, um, to kind of reconcile. Um,

but really brave to share. And I think it's very interesting because so many of us, and, you know, you're in my, um, writing, writing group, anybody that wants to write a memoir, I have open. It's great. Yeah. And there is like a thing. I mean, people struggle with things that they don't necessarily talk about. And we're living in this society where we are still very focused on weight loss. Now GLPs are becoming a huge thing. I've tried it because I think this is a thing that people really struggle with. And it must be such a unique struggle for you to know that you have been on the opposite end of it, where you've spent so many years restricting yourself and punishing yourself about the number on the scale. And then it still must be hard to just go, but mentally it's better for me to weigh a little, like who cares? You know, the thing is so it's so hard to go. You have this husband who fricking adores you always has, would not care. I mean, I have that too. You know, they don't care about the number on the scale. So what is it that is so locked into our brains and our psyches? And as I could say, as women, maybe some men have this too, that even at the age you are now and going through menopause, it's still difficult to just go, why can't I just be happy? Yeah. Why do I always have to be striving for a goal or wanting to be, or wanting to be this certain number on the scale? And I, I think it's brave to acknowledge that after all the years of this, you're not cured. you're not like now and now I just like have dessert when I wanted and and as long as I'm

exercising I'm fine yeah what is that I don't know what that is it's it's it's it's really hard

like it's it's really hard to be a woman you know there's just a lot of weird things that start happening to your body when you get to be around my age. And I don't know. It's interesting though. I do have an amazing husband and he's also noticing things as well. And of course, we have talked about the loss of our baby. It took us probably, gosh, 13 or 14 years till we actually really talked about it and it was really great to understand how he felt when this happened things i just didn't quite understand and um that was very healing um that helped and it's been nice to you know he my husband's starting to do different sort of exercise with me as well we we're he's a you know a cyclist a bike racer and you know we just are we're kind of at a place in our lives where like, we don't want to like get up at four or four 30 in the morning, every morning to exercise. We enjoy going on walks with our dogs. We, um, we have to talk when we're exercising.

And, um, I think that's been really helpful for me. Um, it's kind of helped me feel a little more comfortable in this body than, um, than I have in the past. And, um,

I just wish that it wasn't that way. I just really wish that there wasn't such a focus on how people looked, you know, it's, it is really kind of sad that that's that way and that we torture

ourselves. And maybe like before we wrap as a mom to a daughter too, that must feel important to you to strive to have more body acceptance, like for your daughter so that she can have that same acceptance.

Yeah. And to not like, I know that for me, I've always had, no matter what's going on in my head, I've had to be really careful not to denigrate and have it be about weight and ever talk about calories or say, and, um, one time, and I know I told you the story, but one time many years ago, like my sister-in-law who did not have kids at that point came over and was like, Oh my God, I'm such a fat fuck. I am like too fat to live. And I, I, I lost my shit. I was like, you can not, even though my kids were pretty young at the time, I was like, you, you cannot talk that way

ever in front of my kids. Oh, I, I, I think that's great that you did that. Um, I, I, you know, I have my daughter's 20. She's beautiful. She's a dancer. She's in college and a modern dance program and, you know, has been dancing since she was three. And I, I never wanted her to do competition dance because I knew how just, I just didn't want her to get sucked into the, the, all the body stuff associated with dance. And I think it's a different world now than it was when I was growing up. And, and I also did dance a little bit, um, nothing near or anywhere near as good as my daughter is but um she it I feel bad because I was in the throes of a lot of this when she was growing up and I don't think I was as you know cognizant of that behavior and um yeah it's been I tried really I've tried really hard as she's grown up even with my son and I've told them about my struggles and, and kind of what I've gone through. And then I just don't want that for them. I just want them to love themselves no matter what. And, um, my, my daughter attacked my daughter. Thank goodness. She, she loves food. She loves to eat. Um, but she's very, she's very conscious of what she's eating and the exercise that she's getting just because of what she's kind of doing right now in her life. And, um, I can't say that I'm not worried about that. It does worry me. And I, I'm trying really hard to, um, not say those things about myself at all, but for sure, not in front of, of my kids, but, um, man, it's just a really, it's an easy thing to do. It's an easy, easy thing to put yourself down. And, um, yeah, I really struggle with that. I I'm trying so hard to not, to not do that. Um, but yeah, like I say, I'm, I feel like I was not a great example when, when they were a little younger, because I was, I was kind of doing all this stuff to myself and going to Weight Watchers and all that stuff. So I, um, I'm hoping though, that sharing more about this helps people understand

that that's all you can do is try to cycle, you know, right. I mean, your mom before you also restricted food, but you guys never really talked about it. So at least you're open about your struggles. And I think that helps the next generation go, Oh, okay. This is a thing that goes on and that I could get caught up in this kind of thinking. Absolutely. Yeah. It's addictive

thinking it's very addictive it's very compulsive behavior it's very um it's a hard thing to break

it's a really hard thing to break so um yeah thank you so much for sharing your story misty i think this is honestly going to help a lot of people like i i we have to have more stories where people are like hey i'm still struggling yeah not like you you know i mean anorexia is a very difficult thing it's very hard to just cure it you know it's a whole way of thinking and if we could just acknowledge that you know the compulsive nature whether it's drinking shopping wait uh food

it all it's really about the same thing it it is there's as i've heard you talk about um you know listening to your podcast for all these years um several of your podcasts there are so many similarities with, um, when I've heard you explain your struggles, there's just so many similarities and it's so relatable. Um, it's all, it's all just a coping thing or, uh, a way to deal with your emotions. And, um, yeah, yeah, it's, it's, it's really interesting. And, um, yeah, I appreciate you having me on to talk about it.

All right. Thanks everybody for listening.

and we will see you next week. Bye.

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