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And perhaps that's the surprising thing about generosity. It changes everyone involved. Learn more at childrenincorporated.org. That's childrenincorporated.org. hello and welcome to happier a podcast where we talk about strategies and solutions for making our lives happier healthier more productive and more creative this week we'll talk about why we all really should rsvp and we will talk about the phenomenon of presentation creep i'm gretchen rubin a writer who studies happiness good habits and human nature i'm in new york city and joining me today from Los Angeles is my sister Elizabeth Kraft. And Elizabeth, I think you and I both have

experienced presentation grief. That's me, Elizabeth Kraft, a TV writer and producer living in LA. And yes, Scratch, I have experienced it many times, much to my dismay. Yeah, well,

we're going to get into it. But before we jump in, we are coming up soon on our episode 600. Unbelievable. Yes. Elizabeth, did you think we would ever hit this milestone? stone. I mean, I remember when we hit 100, it felt like just the biggest deal ever. Yes. Yeah. So 600. I want to look up if there's any kind of significance to 600. Is it the platinum, the double platinum or something like that? I don't know. But anyway, for the 600th episode, if there's any significance to 600, please let us know. But also what has stuck with you most of discussions that you've heard here on the Happier Podcast? What have you tried? What has worked, what hasn't worked, but you learned something from it. We really want to know what has really resonated most with listeners. Yes, we're always surprised by certain things

that come up, and then others are things that people tell us over and over and over again. So love hearing from you. We got some interesting listener responses about the subject of hearing aids. Yes, Lisa said, I was so pleased to hear you talk about hearing aids on the podcast. I have a great advocate of them since I started wearing hearing aids two years ago at age 54. I couldn't understand why everyone had started mumbling all the time. Well, it turns out my hearing had started to degrade. I resisted a bit. I'm too young. But as soon as I got them, I was a huge fan. I could hear voices, birds, music, TV, theater, everything so much better. I have talked to so many people and urge them to get their hearing checked and their parents. A few hacks. Apple AirPods Pro, second generation, and above serve as hearing aids and have the ability to administer a decent hearing test. Try that if you're curious. They're not as good as prescription hearing aids at filtering background noise, but can help. If you really do need hearing aids, the prescription models are best, but they are still very expensive. Too expensive in my opinion. I got my first hearing exam at a doctor, but got my hearing aids at Costco and subsequent hearing tests. I am a very satisfied customer. Thank you for spreading the word. That's terrific to hear. And along the same

lines, Carrie wrote, I got hearing aids a couple of years ago at the age of 48. I probably needed them a long time before. After my mom died, I decided I did not want to be like her and only hear half of conversations, or in some cases, nothing of a presentation due to to acoustics. My audiologist is a gem and super helpful. I wear my hearing aids all the time for work, and even then, there are still situations in which hearing is harder for me, even with my hearing aids. I have some situations when I don't wear them at all, like a walk with just one friend or when I'm home on the weekends. The best thing about my hearing aids is Bluetooth. I can be on the phone in my car, and the call automatically transfers to my hearing aids when I get out. Talking on the phone hands-free and no speaker is a huge bonus with hearing aids. You basically have built-in earbuds, but most people can't see them, so it can be super confusing for others. It's probably one of the best health and wellness-related decisions I've ever made in my life. It greatly increases one's quality of life. Thank you for addressing it on the show. Aid should not be a reason someone does not get hearing aids. They are life-changing. So this is great. My mother-in-law does this all the time. I'll say something to her. She's like, oh, wait, I'm listening to a podcast or something. So she

loves the Bluetooth function. And we also got an email about worry. Mary says, I thought it was so interesting that you reframed worry as preparation during this episode. I actually deal with worry by contrasting it with preparation. Decades ago, when I was in a prenatal class, a yoga teacher said worry is not preparation. It has stuck with me all these years. Whenever I find myself worrying, I ask myself, is all of this worrying going to help me be more prepared? I actually find that sometimes my worrying really is indeed preparation. For example, I might be playing out how I might react if a certain highly likely scenario plays out. In these cases, seeing it as preparation helps me contain it. Once I've worked through the things I needed to work through, I can feel more prepared and set those thoughts aside. Most of the time, though, the answer is that the worry is definitely not helping me be more prepared. It is often making me feel less prepared because it is depleting my energy and recognizing that helps me let it go. Interesting.

I think this is very interesting that this distinction has emerged in this discussion, because I don't know that in the past I've really understood worry versus preparation and how those are interwoven and how really breaking them into two can be so useful.

Yes, it definitely is helping me as I try to set aside worry this summer.

Well, I think worry can feel like preparation almost feels like superstitiously like you're working towards something, but maybe you're not. So it's just good to ask yourself that question. So interesting. Yeah, Elizabeth, we're all learning so much from your summer of setting a side worry. Yeah. It's great. More to be discovered. Okay. This week, our try this at home tip is something that we all know perfectly well that we should do. And yet it does not get done. And that is to RSVP or respond if you please. That is just something you don't have to RSVP. It's just like, come by if you can. It's an open house, whatever, or, you know, you can just go. But if people say RSVP, we should really feel the pressure to say whether or not we are coming. Not just we are coming, not just we aren't coming, not just not saying anything. We're supposed to respond and say, what are we doing? Yes. And it's rare that people don't want an RSVP, Gretch. Yeah, true. For social occasions. And the reason that they want an RSVP is the reason why this is the considerate thing to do. If they are hosting something, they need to know how much food to buy, how much drink to buy, how many table settings to put out, how many Mahjong-related coasters to put around the terrace. They need to be able to plan. It makes a difference. Even two extra people, more or less, can significantly affect your planning and how much you're spending, how many errands you're doing, And so it just it's very, very considerate to let people know what your plans are.

Well, yes. And if you're hosting something, as soon as that invitation goes out, you have that anxiety of like, are people going to come? I don't think anyone ever stops worrying that no one's going to show up to their event. And so it's very reassuring to know that, yes, people are coming. Now, Gretchen, we have to add on to this. There is a phenomenon, at least in Los Angeles, and I'm sure it's probably most places, where people say they're going to come when they have no intention of going.

And why do you think they do that? Why do people give the yes when they really don't ever intend to go?

I think they want to make the person feel good that they would like to go and they want sort of credit for going, but they actually know that the day of they're going to say, oh, my gosh, I got stuck. work or, oh my gosh, something came up with my kid and I can't make it. I'm so sorry. This is such a bummer to miss this. And it's just rude. Don't do that. Yeah. And then if you come up with

a thing at the last minute, I mean, things come up at the last minute all the time. Of course. I think people think that by a fake, yes, they sort of get all the credit and make the person feel good, but actually it's really makes planning harder. And I think if you want to signal that, I think the more polite way is to immediately respond no, because I think that shows consideration. And so if somebody invites me to something, it's believable because I've done it right away and it helps them plan. Now with some events too, it might be that then they would invite somebody else to take my place. And so by RSVPing no, now they're like, okay, well, now maybe there was somebody that I would have liked to have invited, but I didn't have room for. Well, now I can extend

the invitation to somebody else. Yeah. And I think people don't RSVP because they don't want to say no. They don't want to say no. Even if they know they can't go or they don't want to go or whatever the case is, they don't want to give a no. And so they just keep putting it off because people don't like saying no, but you are just making it worse by not responding. It drains the fun out of something when you're hosting and people aren't responding. And that's true, by the way, if you have a written invitation, a paperless post invitation, or a text invitation. Any of it

needs to be responded to. Yeah, this just happened to my daughter, Eliza. So we have this weekend house, and so she wanted to have a bunch of friends out there. And so we worked it out. well, okay, what was a weekend where Jamie and I wouldn't go out there so that she could have her friends? And then she texted a bunch of friends and said, okay, I'm just checking in. This weekend is coming up. Just tell me yes or no if you're going to come. And are you going to spend the night? Are you just going to come for the day? And not one person texted her back. And she was so crestfallen. You know, it did take the fun out of it. Now, people often are, well, if it really matters, they'll email me. But that's a lot of work for somebody who's already hosting something. So individually contact everybody to find out their sincere intentions. Also, I think part of it is this problem of, do you need more information or do you need to make a decision? Because sometimes you might say to somebody, hey, I don't know, my mother might be coming into town, in which case I really, I need to be with my mother, but I'm going to find out on Friday, can I put myself down as a maybe and let you know? That's very different from somebody just not responding. Yes. You can respond with, I don't know. Yes. Or can I let you know at a time? Yes. I mean, I've had people respond no and come to things. Right. I've had people respond the morning of an event. Everything's been done by now. That's not that helpful. Now, here's something I will say

as a responder, with the plethora of invitations coming through email, it can be hard to relocate them. So many times I have been searching, I don't know if it was Punchbowl or Paperless Post or Evite, and for some reason I put in the person's name and it doesn't come up because maybe it's

under their married name. I mean, it does happen. And things by text or WhatsApp or email. No, it is very hard, which is a reason why it's really helpful to do it right away and get it into your flow in whatever way. Because no, I've had that exact same problem where I know that this came up, but I can't locate it. Or I have this thing, I don't know, if I respond to paperless posts, it doesn't put all the information in my calendar. It's supposed to seamlessly pop up, but a lot of times it's missing information. And I don't know, I'm sure I could figure it out in the settings or something. And also just one thing to remember, especially if it's something where people are hosting in any way, there probably is a cost. Either they're buying things from the grocery store, or if they're hosting at a place, there might be a per head price. And so don't think, oh, if I just say yes and don't show up, they'll appreciate that. They will not appreciate that. Somebody said that to me at a wedding. They're like, oh, I respond yes to every wedding, but I only go to like a third of them. And I'm like, what are you talking about? Don't you know? That's expensive. That's very expensive for somebody to have you

at their wedding. That's not a kindly act. No. Yeah. The other thing is doing it fast, responding even if it's a yes. If you respond yes quickly, it makes the person feel good that you responded yes quickly. They get that information and they go, oh, people are excited to come to my party. Yes. Yes. So why not give them that little jolt of happiness? Why say, okay, I'm going to go, but I don't feel like pushing this button right now. I'll push it, you know, in three days or then you might forget. Right. Or lose it in your texting or what. Yeah.

No, I completely agree. It's so exciting when somebody is, oh, this sounds like so much fun or, oh, I can't wait. Or this sounds like so much fun. It just. makes you feel good. And we talk about the fact that it's hard hosting. It's hard to put yourself out there. It's hard to do the errands and the work to entertain and even in the lightest lift kind of way. People put themselves out there socially by extending an invitation. They're doing errands. They're cleaning up their dining room. It's hard work. And so it's good to give those people the reinforcement that makes them happy they did it. Yes. Part of the social contract. Part of the social contract. And sometimes people are like, oh, nobody RSVPs anymore. Yes, they do. We should all be RSVPing together. So let us know if you do try this at home and have you upped your RSVP game? Are you RSVPing faster and more consistently? It's something that is a good reminder for all of us. Threads, TikTok, Instagram, Facebook, drop us an email at podcast at GretchenRubin.com. Or as always, go to happiercast.com for the show notes.

Coming up, we've got a traveling happiness hack, but first, let's break.

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with this week's happiness hack? This is a simple but practical one. I think we all have those giant tote bags that don't have much structure. They're just big open tote bags. And I think especially when you're traveling and you want the biggest possible carry-on bag, but it's no fun to just have something that's open and everything just rolls around at the bottom. I found out that if you have a bag that is lacking internal structure, you know, or flops around, you can get a purse organizer in.

or a tote organizer insert. It's exactly what it sounds like. They come in all different sizes. So it could be a giant L.L. Bean tote bag, or it could be a medium-sized handbag. And if it doesn't have that internal organization, you just put this thing in it, and it's got pockets and zippered pouches and all the rest, and you match it to the internal size of your bag. And then you have all of that structure that you need, but you still get to use the bag that you like. Yes. Sarah has one

of these for one of her big tote bags, Gretchen, and she loves it. Yeah. So a friend of mine told

me about hers and I looked at it. It was very cool. So I will post a link in the show notes if you want to see an example. I think there's many different kinds of these, but it was interesting how many sizes I saw that they had, because I'm sure it works best if it fits very exactly into your size. So I thought, well, that's good. You can really get what you need because I love having everything in a specific place. So I don't like that rummaging around at the bottom and not knowing where anything is. So I thought this was a great solution. I had never

seen one of these before. Okay, now for a happiness stumbling block. Okay, this is the solution to a

happiness stumbling block that sometimes emerges, and that is to set expectations so that presentation creep doesn't set in if you do not want presentation creep. So explain what presentation creep is? Okay. So I got this idea from project creep, and this is a term that I love. So let's say you're renovating a bathroom. So project creep is when you think, oh, well, since we're renovating the bathroom, we might as well also renovate the hallway. And since we renovated our bathroom, maybe we should get new towels. And you start out with a project that seems very defined, but slowly it creeps and it gets bigger and bigger. And I've noticed that an everyday life, sometimes you start out with a practice or an idea. It feels like, oh, this is kind of easy and fun. But then over time, the presentation of it, the expectations around it slowly start to creep upward. And so something that felt maybe casual and easy starts to become more burdensome. Now, you may want to up your game and do something in a more elevated way, but sometimes you don't and you want to keep something simple. And so I just think it's a good thing to watch out for presentation creep if it's not something that you want to set in.

Gretchen, this happens with Mahjong groups because at the beginning you say, okay, let's meet after dinner. We'll just have beverages and maybe a little dessert. But inevitably there's that person that puts out a dinner and then the next person feels they have to put out a dinner. And then you can't put out the same thing the other person had. So you have to get something even more elaborate. And then it can turn into something where nobody wants to do it because now it's this elaborate thing rather than just, hey, come over to my house at 7.30 after dinner and we'll play a couple hours of Mahjong and it's no big deal. And this happens with book groups. This happens with any kind of group, I feel like, where there's a rotating thing. Suddenly it turns into this huge thing now, is it nice to go to Mahjong and there's this elaborate, gorgeous dinner? Well, that is enjoyable, but I do think it becomes a happiness stumbling block. Right. Or it can. Well, I think

maybe this is your love of naming things. Maybe you call it like, this is the super casual Mahjong group or something, you know what I mean? Because we had to do this in my book club. We have a tradition that I love, which is every new year, we draw out of a hat, pick a name and give each member a book. Like I would give my friend Julia a book. So you buy a book for that person. And then we all discuss why we chose the book and we read a passage of it. And then often in the coming year, we will choose books from those gifts that people gave because we're like, oh, that book sounds so good. We all want to read it in the book group. So it's a really lovely tradition. But I have a couple of friends and I think these are the people who honestly enjoy it and love it and love to elevate things. But it was starting to get the thing where instead of giving one book, it would be two books or three books. And instead of somebody just handing you the book, it was beautifully wrapped. And the presentation was gorgeous. And finally, we just decided it's one book and it's not wrapped because the fun of it was starting to get overwhelmed by like, okay, now I have to come up with some beautiful theme and a packaging. And so we'd said, okay, we're going to dial this back. And you know what? This reminds me of Elizabeth. It's kind of what's happened to halloween because halloween used to be a very minor holiday but now i think halloween is behind christmas in terms of how much people spend on decorations yes which is fun if you like it but you just have to remember okay maybe i don't want presentation creep to set in maybe i don't want to go down this road because you can end up making Thanks. something, again, that was supposed to be easy and fun into something that's more work, and then you might not want to do it. Yeah. And another example that comes to my mind is I had these friends that were three families. This was when they had little kids, and it was like, okay, let's get together the three families every Sunday night. And it was fun, and at the beginning, the idea was take out pizza. But then over time, it got more and more elaborate, and then it really turned into a hassle to host it. But my friend had started this, and so she felt like she could be the one to say, hey, everyone, we've drifted away from the pizza party. Let's go back to pizza. And we've all got little kids. Let's keep it simple. And everybody's like, oh, yeah, let's do it. But I think people, they want to go that little extra mile, but then that starts compounding.

Yes. And if you really want to do that, I think you could say, hey, heads up, I've been dying to use this new set of dishes I have. So this is going to be an extra special Mahjong night or whatever. And if you say this is an exception, I think that's fine. It's just, you don't want to

set a new bar. You don't want to constantly set a new bar because then people are like, I have to match or raise. And then it's, yeah, yeah. So it's just good to be aware of it because sometimes I think we don't notice that it's happening and then we get backed into this

situation. Yeah. All right, Gretch, coming up, you have a watercoloring demerit, but first this break. Have you ever noticed that some of the most meaningful moments in life come from helping someone else? It's easy to think that changing the world requires doing something extraordinary, but sometimes lasting change begins with something much smaller, helping one child overcome the barriers that stand between them and an education. That's what Children Children Incorporated has been doing for more than 60 years. By partnering with trusted volunteer

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for a demerit. So this has to do with my watercoloring. So I started off saying I was going to watercolor every day. Then I realized...

that's too much. I'm only going to watercolor on days when I'm not going out at night because if I was going out at night, it was just too much to try to watercolor because I got to go to the med every day. I got to work all that stuff. But even still, there are some days where I get in bed. I'm like, wait, I forgot to watercolor. I've got to do it. So I have moved some things around so that I have a visual prompt because a visual prompt always really helps. But one of the things I want to do is I want to go on a retreat where I really get into it. I think that would help me really double down, scheduling his life. And at first I was looking online and I thought, oh, there's places all over the country. And then I thought, you know what? Scheduling his life, keep it simple, do this in New York City. And so what I'm committing to do right now is I'm looking for a day long or an afternoon long watercolor intensive that I think would help me up my skills. Because the thing about the watercoloring is I kind of enjoy it and I definitely enjoy having done it. And I enjoy being a person who does watercolor, but it's effortful. It's not something where I'm like, oh, la-di-da, I'm going to sit down and do it. It takes time and energy and focus. And of course, that's why it gives me the atmosphere of growth. That's the feature, not a bug. So I think that maybe doing a retreat will just help me re-engage more deeply and maybe up my skills a little bit, which would be very satisfying. I feel like I'm little bit stuck in terms of my skills. I am doing the doodle sketching, and I really do love the doodle sketching. And part of the reason I love that is I do feel like I'm getting better. So anyway, by giving myself this demerit, I am helping myself to recommit to watercolor, which I do love. Love those materials. But Elizabeth, what is your gold star? Well, I am giving a gold star to a new

friend of mine. Her name is Rebecca Coleman. She has created something that she calls trail and talk. I love naming something. There we go. And she realized there were people that she was wanting to see, specifically women, that it's like, oh, let's try to do this. Oh, it's too hard and wasn't seeing people. So she decided that she would say every Friday at 7 a.m., she was going to do Fryman Canyon and invite women to join her. And you can come or not come. It's something you don't actually have to RSVP to. You can just show up at 7 o'clock. Interesting. Okay. Although I always give a like if I'm coming because I do think it's still helpful to know who's coming. And it's just this lovely thing where I'm getting to know these women that I didn't know. A couple of my friends are in it, but most of them I had never met before, but they're great women. And it's just so fun to get up and have done Fryman Canyon and have had great conversation. If you want to, you can go for coffee after. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don't, just depending on, you know, my schedule. And I give her great credit because she said, you know what? I have this need in my life. And she set about to do it. And everybody was like, this is a great idea. And now it's this amazing new thing in my life. Well, it's so energizing to meet new

people and make new friends. And it's energizing to see old friends and it's energizing to hike Fryman Canyon, which is something that you always want to do. And you really like to do it with friends. You like to do it as a social thing too. So this is perfect for you. But again, this is a great example of like, she had to put herself out there. She had to risk the chance that nobody would want to do it. And she would feel like nobody wants to do my trail and talk. It is interesting that she set it up so that it's just, it's a standing date. We've talked about the advantages of a standing date where it happens whoever comes yeah and so you don't have to track rsvps there is something about that because i think some people do like that they like the

flexibility of that and the serendipity yeah and she does every thursday say hey tomorrow trail and talk and here's the info and you can bring a friend because one thing is you can bring a friend because you think oh i think these people would like this woman or i think this woman would enjoy this, which is how I got involved. My friends invited me. So yeah, big gold star. Starting a group, Gretch, it's one of the surest ways to be happy is start a group. Start a group.

The resource for this week, research shows that we can enjoy happy experiences twice, once when they happen and again when we remember them. So that is one reason that I love creating a five senses portrait, because when you think about what am I seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, touching, it helps you remember that. It helps you look forward to whatever you're going to experience. Summer is the perfect time for this exercise. If you would like a place to capture your own five senses portrait of summer, my five senses journal is available in the shop. And as a happier listener, you can get 20% off with code happier20. Go to happiercast.com slash shop and search for the five senses journal love a five senses portrait yeah elizabeth what are we reading what are you

reading. I am reading More Than Enough by Anna Quinlan. And I am reading The Things We Never Say

by Elizabeth Strout. And remember, you can listen to our book club interview with Elizabeth Strout. We had a great time talking to her. Yes. And that's it for this episode of Happier. Remember to try this at home. Please RSVP. And that's a double please if you know your French. Let us know if you tried it and if it works for you. Thanks to our executive producer Chuck Reed and everyone at Lemonada. And here's your rhyming reminder. If you enjoy the podcast, tell your friends fast. Until next week, I'm Elizabeth Kraft. And I'm Gretchen Rubin. Thanks for joining us Onward and Upward.

gretch i have to admit to you i had to be reminded to rsvp to something recently and boy did i feel guilty now the second i got the reminder though i did do it and it was a case where I knew I'd been invited, but I couldn't find the invitation. Yes, I know, that's a problem. So luckily they send out those reminders.

Yeah, there's a lot of ways to get invitations these days.