Muse

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Previously on Midnight Burger, there's a guy named Casper and he's got a lot of friends. Hey, Phil, I didn't mean to come here. I know it's very strange, but to get out of your life, I'm going to need your help. Yes, that's right, folks. Casper is somewhere out there in the multiverse doing what he does best, which is, of course, get people much smarter than he is to get him out of the jam he put himself in. I need your help.

Help with what?

I need you to help me make a motorboat. He's trying to get back to Cryptessia, where David is. I brought you balloons. Also, Effie the robot and Zebulon the ship.

Zebulon!

Also, that weird lady who put that thing in his brain that one time. Hello, Casper. Take this fucking thing out of my head. No. Kazi, take this fucking thing out of my head. No. Meanwhile, Kroc's got a gun. What do you call it? A weapon. I'm sure, as a responsible gun owner, Kroc only has this gun for self-defense. Eeps, now let's remember the rule of guns is that if you put a gun on stage in the first act, you can't fire it until at... Eeps. Let's start the shift.

Thank y'all.

Carl, I'm going to go ahead and put this in the category of bad. Do you feel comfortable with that? Okay, let's game this out. We have a big gun. It's being proposed that this big gun can destroy the diner, right? Let's consider for a moment all the things the diner has been through and not been destroyed. A black hole one time, etc. What then could be made that would destroy it? That's the question, right? But it can't be a question of high-level energy, because what has more energy than a black hole? Also, if it did have more energy than a black hole, it would rip apart basically everything as soon as it was fired. Right? So then it must be something else. Some sort of Achilles heel. Yeah, I hear you. They could just be fooling themselves. She says she's going to destroy the diner, but what the hell does she know? I know. More data. Hi. So, Jazinka, this big gun of yours, how does it work?

New energy.

New energy. Can you expand on that? No. Okay. So what phase of the testing are you in?

Efficacy testing is complete.

It's complete. You know how it works?

Correct. The diner is destroyed?

No.

How do you know it works?

There have been several successful tests on targets in the testing field.

The testing field? What is that?

My father has collected a field of test targets.

Tests? The other constructs? The ones scattered all around the castle?

For an ample period of time, my father has been collecting similar targets and arranging them in the testing field.

Oh.

It is important to continue maintenance testing. I will test now.

That's okay. Juzinka, don't do this on my account. It's really fine. It is important to continue maintenance testing. I really take your word for it.

Here is our current target

The stone fox

It is the most recent acquisition Testing will identify deviations

Maybe skip it though

Please secure yourself for energy release

Energy release?

The target has been destroyed.

It's gone. You destroyed it.

As I said, the testing phase for the weapon has ended.

What phase are you in now?

Targeting. The constructs in the targeting field do not require acquisition in a targeting matrix. In order to destroy an extrasolar target, there will need to be complex targeting schemes.

So how far along are you in testing the targeting?

Testing is nearly complete. All that is required now is a target within range.

What's your range?

As soon as Midnight Burger is detected in the Cryptessia system, I will target the weapon and fire.

Fucking great. Any ideas, Carl?

This is how you do it. Agreed. We've been flying wrong our whole lives. Incorrectly. We were supposed to be flying privately this whole time. We were. Instead, we were flying publicly.

I didn't realize how terrible it was until now. These seats are leather. I may not be able to leave this plane. Why would we leave? It's nicer than my house. Can we get her to take the long way to wherever we're going? Where are we going? No idea.

Do we want to know? No idea. Good morning. Hello. Can I get you anything to drink? To drink? Hmm. How deep are we going into the lap of luxury here? Two mimosas, please. All right, then. No problem. Please look over these NDAs while you wait.

Okay.

NDAs.

I guess it was just a matter of time.

Are we going to be asked to make weapons of mass destruction? It's possible. Okay, do you know how to make a weapon of mass destruction? Because I have no idea. Why would I know? You're a physicist? Uh, we're both physicists. Right, but my physics is the stargazy physics, and your physics is closer to the making things blow up physics.

I guess I can figure it out. Great. And we're okay with that? Morally? As long as we get to stay on the plane.

So that was one of them, right? What? Her. She's one of the android things. There's two of them, right?

That was one of them? I think so. Wow. It's not as impressive as the leather seats, but it's nice work. Hey there. Well, well, well. Mr. Motorboat. Everything all right? You guys are comfortable? So comfortable. I realize this is a rather unusual situation. We don't know where to go.

what you mean. An android just took our drink order and we're looking over these NDAs while we're being flown to an undisclosed location and I'm like, God, again. Just another Tuesday. Sure. I promise all will be explained to you. We can't wait for that explanation. We can't. Hey, Casper, did you know I can get the internet on my phone? I've heard about that. I hear it's very popular. When the most powerful woman on the planet tells you to get on a plane, you just kind of do it. It's obligatory. But then, there's you. Right. And I was like, who's this guy?

I get that a lot.

The ex-husband of the most powerful woman on the planet.

That's me.

Who walked into my office asking for a motorboat.

Mmm, phrasing. Look, I realize that an android just took your drink order, and yet I'm really the odd one out on this plane.

Because you teach middle school history, and everyone else on this plane can crush walnuts with their intellect?

Something like that. Okay, two mimosas.

Fantastic. We didn't read these NDAs, but we signed them anyway. Great. We're totally fine with whatever death ray laser you guys are building.

That's great to know.

Let me know if you need anything else. We will. Everything is so great, by the way. You're doing such a great job.

Thank you.

How's your day going? You having a good day?

I am. Thank you for asking.

Of course. Could I get something to drink? Ma'am? Robot ma'am? Could I have a beverage? You know what? I'll be right back.

Seriously? What? You're hitting on the android? I'm not hitting on the android. How's your day going? Are you having a good day? That's not hitting on someone. So really, something just needs to be shaped like a woman. Do you hit on the hula girls that truckers keep on their dashboard, too? Oh, those are pretty hot. Cheers, dummy. Cheers, dummy.

Hey, what's up? This is stupid. Why am I doing this? Why don't we just tell them everything?

Well, we can't dump it all on them at once. We need to slowly introduce all of the completely ridiculous aspects of the story one at a time.

Human beings are so slow.

Don't complain to me about slowness. Right before this, you were literally watching trees grow.

Fine.

We've got the NDA signed, which Philomena was really worried about. Now, I'm going to go talk to her, and we will get to the nitty-gritty of the situation, okay? Fine. Fine. I would just like to say you're a super powerful android who can see through time and space, and you could totally tell us exactly what's going to happen and all of the right things to do, but you're just not doing that, and I haven't complained about that at all. Spoilers, Casper. Oh, for fuck's sake.

Yes. I've seen the numbers and they don't make any sense. We're going to have to start the process over from the beginning. Recalibrate the units and go back to square one. I don't know how to solve this problem right now, and I don't have time. Set everything back to zero and wait for my go-ahead.

Hi.

Hi.

What's going on? Important things?

Yes.

Things I wouldn't understand, I'm assuming.

I'm trying to bring back 2 and 3.

2 and 3 were zapped into a random place in the multiverse.

Their mines were backed up to the mainframe on campus. I'm trying to load those mines into new simulacrums, but something's not working.

You can just... reboot them into new bodies?

Theoretically, I can, but something's not working.

Would you like my two cents? Maybe I can solve the problem.

No, thank you. Are we ready to do this?

As ready as we're ever going to be.

You really think they're going to buy this?

It's a thoroughly unbelievable story, but we've got pretty compelling evidence.

And they're not going to just freak out and join a nunnery?

Uh, those two joining a nunnery is actually a more unbelievable story than the one we're about to tell them.

Fine. Let's go.

Okay.

Hello. I'm Philomena.

Hello. You have a lovely plane. Thank you. Will we all get one of these when it's utopia? No. Another strike for utopia. I've been asking around about you two. Ruh-roh. That's almost never followed by something good. Did they talk about how good we are at parties? Or would be if we ever went to them? If you talk to Professor Alyssa Keithley at Caltech, I don't know how the lab mice got out and she can't prove anything. I actually suffer from delayed onset childhood. You can look it up. I actually age backward, Benjamin Button style, but only mentally.

Professor Maddox, you are working on something so secretive that you write in an antiquated form of Dutch shorthand. And Professor Sagnier... You are rumored to have a stack of notes on your kitchen table that you've never shown to anyone. Both of these projects are apparently revolutionary and would change the face of physics.

Is that what you write in that shorthand? What's with the notes on your kitchen table? You first. You first. Wait, how do you know this?

I know this because Casper told me.

Hi there. Mr. Motorboat? I really need that to not be my nickname.

Is he your private investigator or something?

He's not. I've been waiting until we were in the air to tell you this because I need you two to be a captive audience for a while.

Now I'm uncomfortable.

I am too. It's a new feeling. Ladies, here are a couple of tablets. There's going to be some data you're going to need to look at. Okay. Sure. I'm going to make a phone call.

Okay. Sure.

Several calls in the past week Maybe it really is the end times Like they're saying on all the wrong news channels

Hi there

How's it going?

I'll be there

You'll be there?

David's gallery thing I'll be there

Oh yeah?

Yeah It's on my calendar I'll be there

Okay

That's great Okay What do I do? Do I bring a gift to an art opening?

I think you just wear a turtleneck and go for it.

Okay, then. I'll see you there.

I think this is really great, Phil.

Yeah. Yeah. I think so.

Okay. I'll see you then.

I'll see you then.

But he's right there. Yes. So, who were you talking to?

Him. I, uh... I need the two of you to use those very big brains of yours to zoom all the way out. A few days ago, this Casper showed up on my campus. I knew it wasn't my ex-husband, but I didn't know how it wasn't my ex-husband. Long story short, we performed a scan of him with a spectrometer. That scan revealed that, at the molecular level, his body reflects light at a slightly different frequency than anyone on board this plane, or this planet. What does that mean, Dr. Sagnier?

What that would mean that he's from a different universe?

That data is on your tablets now.

I'm from a different universe than yours. The motorboat I need you to build me is the vessel that's going to get me back to where I need to go without killing me.

Is this data right? It's right.

Look, you're both very smart people, and I'm sure you're both thinking of all the ways that this can't be true. So, X is going to speed things along for us, okay? Don't freak out.

How is she going to speed things along? I don't know. What is she going to do? I don't know.

Oh, Mama! What? But she... she's gone. I know. Where did she go? I don't know. Back now, shit!

Here you go, Marguerite.

What?

This... A teddy bear? Do you want to tell Ava what that is? This can't... You wrote his name on the tag, remember? I, this, this is August. Your mom accidentally gave him to Goodwill, right?

You, you found my teddy bear from when I was a child?

No, Marguerite, I didn't. I went to a universe where you never lost it, and it was sitting in a box in the attic.

I think we would like more mimosas, please. One second.

Ava, the research that Marguerite has on her kitchen table is research that confirms the Big Bounce Theory.

It confirms it?

In another universe, she shows this research to you. And when you combine her research with your research on a single point of null entropy in the universe, you leave your job and you go and find it. When you find it, that's when you meet me.

from

beginning. Okay. Once upon a time, my son ran away from home. You know what the problem is, Carl? I'm not the save-the-day one. I'm the one who gets some sort of weird idea, and then someone else does the save-the-day thing. I'm a muse, Carl. I inspire people. But now, here we are. As soon as Jazinka figures out how to target that thing, and as soon as the diner gets back to Cryptessia, it's going to get blown to bits. And we, that's you and I, Carl, we have to figure out a way to stop it. There does not appear to be an off switch or a way to unplug it from the wall. And a cannon as long as a football field does not seem susceptible to me spilling coffee on it. What's the biggest flaw with any scientific endeavor, Carl? I've told you this a million times. Us. Humans. Thinking people. Our short-sightedness, our prejudices, our hubris. Jazinka is the weak link here. Okay. Okay. Okay. Remember when I asked her why she was doing this? She said, it's what I do. And then I said, why? And then she said, I have answered your question. I met this guy at a conference one time named Danny Mars. Danny designed weapons. You see, Carl, if you get enough scientists in a room, it's inevitable that there will be a few who have shoes that are a little too nice. Drive cars that are a little too fast. Always buying drinks at the bar. Defense contractors.

They're all over the place, but I remember Danny because he was a loud one. And he was a talker. Could not shut up about what he did for a living. And he was completely oblivious to how much he disgusted the other scientists who were all dedicating their lives to observing space rocks and studying meerkats or whatever. Danny stood there, holding court at the bar, while he described his crowning achievement. It's called a daisy cutter, apparently. It's a bomb. When you drop it, it doesn't explode when it hits the ground, it explodes right before it hits the ground. It's designed to leave the ground under it untouched while shredding all of the human beings standing on it. Cutting down the daisies. Danny had apparently designed the next generation daisy cutter And talked at length about how much more efficiently his bomb massacres people It was fascinating to listen to him talk Because he could have been talking about anything He could have been talking about a vegetable spiralizer But he was talking about this Late that night, one of the zoologists got a little drunk and decided to lay into him and call him a murderer Made a whole scene Danny just stood there While he got torn into by this lady And at the end of her diatribe against him He simply shrugged his shoulders and said It's what I do Maybe Danny just needed some

Something else to do, Carl. Wish me luck. So, Jazinka, when you say this thing uses new energy, what do you mean by that?

The weapon is powered by harvesting quantum vacuum fluctuations.

You're... You're harvesting vacuum fluctuations? Yes. Jesus fucking Christ. Okay. Um, anyway. Hey. Have you ever wondered what else this technology can do?

What else?

Yeah. Jazinka?

An expansion of applications?

Yes.

I was asked to create the weapon.

Right. Jazinka, do you ever have ideas come to you in idle moments? Maybe you had a weird dream or somebody says something and it sends you down a rabbit hole?

What is a rabbit hole?

It's a place where new information leads you. You get curious and you find your mind going to a different place.

I am presented with problems and I orchestrate their solutions.

Right. Want to mess around?

Please define mess around.

What if I presented you with a problem and you came up with a solution? I am currently engaged. Sure, with the big gun. But what if the big gun was a dual-purpose device?

You're proposing multiple applications.

What if your weapon could also be something else?

Please define the problem to solve.

Oh, I don't know. The weapon can deliver energy. Can it also deliver information? Jizinka?

Please define the data set.

Oh, okay. Gee, I don't know. Let's start small. How about a simple audio recording?

I can solve this problem.

Oh, yeah?

Yes.

Great.

May I have the organism?

The... Carl?

May I have the Carl?

Okay. Carl, you're up.

Deer?

Yes, dear.

Everything all right?

Yes, dear, I believe so.

All right. You seem to be wandering a bit about the ship, dear.

How are things, dear? Things? Any pressing matters at the moment?

All continues apace. We've just disembarked a batch of the infirmed and are docked with the flagship, awaiting our next deployment.

Any funny business afoot out there?

Well, that's not the sort of thing I can check on from where I sit, But I don't observe anything out of sorts at the moment.

Dear, I do believe I'm having a notion.

Really?

I believe so.

Been a while, dear.

It has.

My notions have a propensity to begin in my knees And as you know, dear, these knees are not my own

They are not They are, in fact, knees of iron made in some sort of foundry And yet, I am having a notion Perhaps these new legs of yours are not unlike the legs of a foal Awkward and stumbling at first, but once given the chance, can break into a run. Indeed. Where's David? I'm unsure. David, may we have a word?

Hey, y'all. What's up?

David, what's the present state of your duties?

My duties? My duties are complete. I was about to go have some dinner. What's going on? Effie?

David, come on down to the ship. I'm having a notion.

A what?

A notion, David.

I don't know what that means.

David, Effie has, throughout our lives, had a bit of a notion now and then about things.

You guys keep saying notion like it's going to suddenly become clear to me?

David, I am getting dangerously close to repeating myself. Do I have to repeat myself?

Okay, jeez. I'll be right there.

What's it to be, dear? Put some coal in the engine, dear. I believe we'll set out and follow my knees around for a bit. I'll get the pistons firing, dear.

How do you think they're doing?

They seem to be doing fine.

How could they possibly be doing fine? I'm not doing fine.

I can tell. Ava gets this look in her eyes when she's suddenly not bored anymore. Does she?

Yeah. I don't want them stepping off this plane and making a call to the New York Times. They signed the NDAs. Yes, because nobody's broken an NDA before.

I don't understand what you're worried about.

I'm worried about my life's work, Casper. I've been building Imelda and Scott for my entire life. If it gets derailed because of this plan, I will be nonplussed, to say the least.

Oh, you'll be nonplussed? So you're running a goofy errand for a minute. That's not going to suddenly get people to change their mind about Utopia.

Yes, it will.

What are you talking about?

There's a particular psychology around changing the world, Casper. How so? I want you to watch something.

Okay.

Take my phone. Look at that.

This lion was kept in a cage all its life. We set it free. What happens next will shock you. Are you sure it's gonna shock me?

Click it.

Okay.

Now, I want you to watch that lion. Look at the look on its face. The side of its cage opens and suddenly it sees a big, wide, beautiful world. What does it do?

It cowers in the corner.

Right. A better world is about six feet away, but it has no idea what a better world is. It has no idea there was even the possibility of endless grasslands and a big blue sky. And because it can't imagine that better world, that better world becomes terrifying. People are the same way. They'll look for any excuse they can to stick with the thing they know, even if the thing they know is killing them. I've almost got them at the edge of the cage, Casper. One wrong move, and they'll retreat back into the darkness. And if you don't believe me, keep in mind that the electric car was invented in 1884.

You can actually find miniature models earlier than that. You can go back to...

Casper! Sorry. So, I'm sure you can imagine if news broke that I was going on a top-secret mission to create a trans-dimensional motorboat, that people would be scared back into the corner of the cage.

I understand. Turns out that video did shock me. Okay, I'll go check on them, make sure they're going to be alright.

Thank you. Hey, what was that thing you were talking to other me about? A gallery opening? David has a showing at a gallery in Baltimore. That's great.

You're going to go?

Yes.

I think that's great. How do you have a gallery showing when you're a street artist?

I have no idea.

Okay, I'm going.

Hey, what did you say you named your company? I already did this with one Casper. I'm not doing it with another. Imelda and Scott.

Yes. Your hamster. Yes. From when you were eight years old.

Yes.

Is the name of your international corporation.

In the early days, investors felt more comfortable if I implied I had a partner. So you just put the name of your hamster in the company name?

Yes. That's going to be amazing for historians a hundred years from now.

I am now done talking to you.

Okay, okay.

So, you're the motorboat?

I'm the motor. We need the boat.

It was a much simpler world just a few minutes ago. It was. I know how you feel.

How? Well, I used to be a programmed robot. But then, something happened to me, and I had to spend several decades at the bottom of a river in Kentucky putting myself back together again. Sure.

I have a question. Thank God. What are you doing here? Me? You can travel through space-time and dimension, and you're just hanging out with us humans? Yeah. Why?

Well, I pulled myself out of that river, and part of freeing my mind was knowing how powerful I was. but I didn't know what any of that meant I had to figure that out I had to figure out I had to figure a lot of things out and the first person I thought to talk to was Casper

did you know that Philomena named her world changing company after her hamster this guy

Casper I have a question when you walked into Ava's office you knew both of us how did you know me

oh right yeah I skipped that part at a certain point we ran into a time traveling dimension spanning movie theater and you were there

I was there

yeah you and Polly Jean

Polly Jean Polly Jean, wife of the dean? Yeah What was she doing there?

They were together

What?

What? Yeah, they were secretly together And then the dean found out And that's how Marguerite lost her job

That's crazy So So crazy

Yeah, you guys actually got married at the diner What? what are you reading marguerite's mind right now yeah so she uh yeah yeah yeah could i have

a moment alone with my colleague please sure sure can i get you guys anything could i have

nine shots of vodka,

please? Sure.

It's so crazy how different these alternate realities are from our own, isn't it? I wonder if in one of these realities you actually tell me things.

I was going to tell you.

Uh-huh.

And then I didn't do that. Correct. Married?

So, while I'm reeling from the fact that you're sleeping with the Dean's wife, and you're reeling from the fact that you actually committed to a relationship, can we talk about the other thing? There's another thing?

The big bounce theory? Oh, right. I guess I figured it out. You guess? Ava, I got a stack of notebooks on my kitchen table that I thought was mostly me riffing. But apparently I nailed it. You didn't think you might be on to something? Of course I didn't. I had little monsters doodled in the margins. I didn't think I was about to blow the doors off of astrophysics. What about you? What is this point of null entropy thing? A duck.

Diner, apparently. Huh. Look at us. Eat our dust, Vera Rubin. So. So. Motorboat. Right. How do we do that? I've got some ideas. Oh, thank God.

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Why the keyboard? I'm sure you could have invented a better way to communicate.

The sound of the keys is comforting. In addition, speech holds too many variables. The meaning of a word can change with tone and inflection. I cannot understand it. With the keyboard, I cannot be misunderstood.

I see. Jazinka, you said that this weapon is powered with new energy? Yes. By harvesting quantum vacuum fluctuations? Yes. Do you know what that is?

Energy generated spontaneously in a void.

Yes. Even in the widest voids in the universe, there's activity. Energy spontaneously bubbles up and dissipates again in the blink of an eye. That energy isn't supposed to be harvested, Jazinka. That energy is supposed to be allowed to return to nothing again. I don't know what happens if that new energy is unleashed into the universe. There might be serious ramifications.

There is a relationship between the proposed targets and the given energy in the universe. It appears immune to influence. I theorized that new energy introduced into the universe would be an effective agent against the proposed targets. My theory was correct.

There are some things that you just don't fuck with, Jazinka.

If something can be made, there is a compulsion to make it.

I understand that compulsion.

You have asked me to add a data delivery subroutine to my weapon. I am now adding it. I am compelled to.

I know.

If a thing can be made, I am compelled to make this thing. Are you saying that there are things that should not be made?

Yes, I am.

How do you know which things should be made and which things shouldn't?

You've made a very destructive weapon. Do you understand how that could be a bad thing?

Destruction is everywhere. The weapon is only a small part of that. Why is the destruction created by the weapon different from the destruction that occurs due to other sources?

Because you're choosing to make it. Choosing to make a destructive weapon is not the same as a solar flare wiping out your planet But I make things

Make other things.

When I am asked to make things, I must know if they can be made.

I know. I understand this feeling, too. I get it.

I become disturbed if I cannot know.

I know.

Where does this feeling come from?

I don't know. The target you are trying to destroy There are people who live there Do you understand that you'll destroy them too?

They have been asked to leave

They're still there

Why will they not leave a place that is marked for destruction?

Why won't you choose to not destroy it?

To vacate the target is a simple choice

Can you understand what it's like for them? I cannot Right Empathy is not really your thing, is it? What is that? Jazinka?

Target has been detected. Quadrant 3. Shit. Beginning targeting sequence.

Shit. How long does the targeting sequence take?

Unclear. This will be the alpha test of the targeting procedure.

Any chance it takes more than 12 hours?

Unlikely.

Shit.

Thank you.

Okay. Here we are.

There's nothing here. Where are we? Humboldt County. What are we doing here?

We need somebody to design the motorboat, right?

You're sure this is the guy?

Well, you wanted an unconventional choice for an engineer. This is definitely the guy. Why have I never heard of him? You don't want a guy you've heard of. You want a guy you've never heard of. Do you have any idea how complex this project is going to be? You've got to trust me. He's the right guy.

I don't like nature. I don't like leaving the plane. We like the plane.

Trust me. Leaf? Leaf, are you out there?

I know you saw the plane land, man. Come on. In his defense, this is exactly where I imagine Engineer is living. He's here.

Just give him a minute.

Leaf, you don't know me, but I swear to God, you really want to talk to me. Come on, man. Okay, I'm going to go a little deeper into the woods.

Do you need breadcrumbs? A ball of twine?

I'm fine.

I never knew my father, but I don't imagine he would go through this much trouble to get back to me.

My dad would, if it was an excuse to use the RV.

I mean, since it's just us girls, he's got all sorts of reasons to get back there.

Like what? I probably shouldn't say. Ava gets this look in her eyes when she's suddenly not bored anymore. He said that to me on the plane. Hello. What does that mean? You don't know what that means? No. Anybody want to help her out?

You'll have to forgive her, Philomena. She doesn't yet understand human beings.

Girl, me too.

Especially the male ones. Neither do you, dude. They may not be my thing, but that doesn't mean I haven't left a trail of broken man-hearts behind me.

You don't know what that means? When a man notices something like that about you? I've been focusing on other things. He hasn't. Did you guys have to use those crazy 90s in college?

Oh, yeah. I remember those. We called ours Mick and Jagger. Ours was Dances with Burritos.

What is it? You load your data into this huge machine, and you wait for hours to hear back if your numbers are all wrong. And you just wasted the last six months of your life. I mentioned this in passing on date number two with the other Casper. He somehow makes it to date number three. And he brings me a jigsaw puzzle. So I'll have something to do while I wait for my data to come back. That's not bad. Isn't that kind of creepy, though? It can be. It's a fine line. So you're saying... Oh, stand back. She's starting to get it. I'm uncomfortable. God damn it!

Uh-oh.

What happened? I should have brought breadcrumb. I should go check.

Get me out of this. What the fuck, dude? I've been foamed. What happened? I was sprayed by some kind of foam, and it instantly hardened around me, and now I'm trapped in some sort of silicone chocolate sundae.

I wonder who's responsible for this.

Would you get me out of this, please? Hold still.

What the fuck? You look like Grimace.

What is this? Just another one of his goddamn things that he goddamn makes. There. Be free. It's all over my damn clothes. Leif! Leif, get out here, man. Come on. I've got more where that came from. Leif, no one knows that better than me. Come out here.

Who are you?

I'm Casper. We need your help.

We have to make a motorboat.

A what?

Wow.

That is an amazing beard. He really went full Nordic fisherman. Philomena Scott?

Hi. What the fuck is going on? This will be fun to watch. Yeah, this was 24 hours ago. I remember it like it was yesterday. Okay.

Okay, let me explain. I'm really getting explaining everything again. Fatigue. How about you?

Kind of.

You want to just do the thing? Okay. One moment, Leith. She'll just be a second. Really nice up here, aside from the foam. How are the winners? There's a lot of snow? Where the fuck did she go? Uh, y'all, we should stand back. X is really swinging for the fences on this one.

Swinging for the fences how? Holy shit! Oh, my God. I did it. Whoa. Motherfucker. You did it. That was fun.

Next time, Dodger Stadium. What the fuck is that? Leaf, this is the Nancy Sinatra. What is it? It's your ship.

What?

There. Right there. Go through that gateway there.

Here I go, dear.

so what are we doing just having a look-see a look-see at what Effie having a look-see okay I was just thinking there's a war on never mind that now never mind the war David

A bit of patience, David.

Uh-huh.

This feels like the right track.

Okay. See, the key to having patience is knowing what one is being patient for.

I've got a feeling, is all.

A feeling.

Yes, David. A feeling.

Okay. What does this feeling feel like, exactly?

I got a feeling in my knees.

In your knees?

Yes.

Your robotic knees? Oh, dear.

Well, they're the only knees I have at the moment, aren't they?

Have you considered an oil can?

Have you considered me tanning your backside? Anyone for a nice game of checkers?

Is this how it usually works, Zebulon? Effie gets a feeling and everybody takes off in a spaceship?

Generally speaking, that is how we comport ourselves, David.

Okay. Okay, well, this is a weird one, but it does get me out of orientation duty. Think we'll be back for karaoke tonight?

I'm sure I don't know, David.

You slayed Cotton-Eyed Joe the other night.

I do like that Cotton-Eyed Joe.

It's important to do things like that, you know? Really takes the edge off in a time of war.

David, I'm... I do realize that sojourns such as these make me seem a few bristles short of a broom. But just as it's important to sing a song or two with one's compatriots, it's also important to listen to one's knees from time to time. Stepping out of our routines creates opportunities for the angels, David.

Okay, fine. Let's follow some knees, y'all.

We have emerged.

Yes, all right. Let's drop anchor right here, husband.

Slowing to a crawl.

What now?

We're gonna sit ourselves down and wait.

Fantastic. Anyone want to play I Spy?

David.

There's no material in existence that can protect the human mind from the rigors of interdimensional travel.

No, duh, dude. That's why we have to think about it in another way. What other way? It needs to make its own reality.

Adaptive crystalline can do that if it's constructed correctly. I understand the concept, but there's no way to build that. This is going nowhere again.

This is good. This feels like home. Casper, it's been three days. Why are humans so slow?

Hey, you love this. You love humans. Do I? Yes. You love traveling naturally through the time stream. I don't know about that. You're tubing right now. You're in an inner tube, floating down a lazy river. I'm making hot dogs. You're in an inner tube. All we need is a tire swing and a 12-pack of natural light, and we're in business.

Have you noticed how your attitude changes when you're around her?

What are you talking about?

It does.

That's not true.

You're a little fuzzier than you usually are.

Fuzzier? Yeah. I don't know what you're talking about. I'm grilling hot dogs. I'm never happier than when I'm grilling hot dogs. You know this about me, by the way, because you can read my mind.

I'm trying not to do that right now. I'm trying to keep us on a level playing field.

A level playing field?

Yeah.

You just chrissangeled a spaceship into the forest. We're never going to be on a level playing field.

But I'm trying. That's the important part.

And so are the people inside the house. So just hang out in your inner tube for a while, okay?

Okay. We're breaking for the night.

Again? Again. Are you getting anywhere in there?

We are.

It doesn't sound like you're getting anywhere.

I know it doesn't sound like it, but we are.

You're just yelling at each other.

This is how it works. Researchers pull one way, engineers pull the other. And the more they pull, the more they find a wide enough window of opportunity that they can both exist in. Leaf is trying to pull them from the world of the possible into the world of the probable. That's all.

I don't think you know them the way that I do.

And I don't think you know project management the way that I do, because I am the successful international businesswoman, and you are the guy making the hot dogs.

How dare you?

Give me a hot dog.

Here.

Thank you. I've got about a million text messages to return. I'll be on the plane. Hi, Mom. Hello, sweetie.

She didn't have to add the last part about the hot dogs. That was out of bounds.

I know everybody's frustrated, but I've never made a thing before. And I'm having fun making a thing. We have made exactly zero things so far. I know, but it's still fun.

Good evening, ladies. Another day, another dollar. Who wants a hot dog?

Yes, please. Do you have hot mustard yet?

We do not have hot mustard yet.

What kind of hot dog stand is this?

You know what? The free kind. The out of the kindness of my heart kind of hot dog stand. Fine.

Give me the hot dog. X, we've decided to have a girls' night on the plane. Are you coming? That sounds like fun. If Ava gets drunk enough, she'll do her James Chadwick impression. Who's that? He discovered the neutron.

Most people do Christopher Walken, but whatever.

Let's go.

Okay. I'll be right there. Thanks, hot dog man.

Please come again. We're always open.

This will be fun. I haven't acted drunk since the yarg.

Why is she acting weird toward me? Who? Ava? Yeah, these past few days, she's been weird.

It's a weird situation.

I know that woman. There are no weird situations for her.

It's just weird. You know. Weird.

What did you do?

What do you mean?

You know what I mean. What did you do?

Nothing.

Now who's the mind reader?

It's not a big deal.

What's not a big deal, X?

I may have mentioned something when we first got here about, you know, the fuzziness.

Why are you 12 years old?

I'm not the only one who noticed.

Just the only one who said something out loud?

Casper, I'm going to tell you the thing that I've probably told you a million times.

What?

Fucking relax!

You ever get used to that?

I'll let you know. Hot dog?

Sure. Quite a week.

Sure.

A space pirate?

Oh yes, oh yes, a pirate he.

Huh.

I finally had a look at that ship that is... apparently... mine. How's it look? Pretty impressive. Fusion drive that small with that much output? Did I build that?

I don't think so. I think you told me that that was made on a planet called Trusk. Trusk? Yeah. You have built something like that, though. It was a dark matter engine.

Dark matter?

Yeah. You called it Uncle Rogue.

Nice. Dark Matter.

Dark Matter.

There's a lot of stuff in there that... Who's Bert Bert?

She's a friend of yours. She's from a planet called Segeus. She's blue.

Blue.

Yeah.

That engine can't get me to another planet.

There's a network of warp gates all over the place. Wow. Although those gates were built by a race called the Teds. And the Teds don't like it when Earthlings have breakthrough innovations. and they don't seem to have stopped Philomena, so maybe they're not out there in this universe. Huh. Who knows what's out there?

Yeah.

You know, Leaf, X is probably going to have to send that ship back to where she found it. There's another version of you out there that might need it someday.

Yeah. That's fine. I already made notes.

Hey, Leif. Don't build a spaceship and leave Earth. Okay?

Why?

Just don't.

You're telling me not to do the coolest thing anyone has ever done?

Yes. Yes.

What a shitty thing to tell someone

How'd you end up out here?

I was born here

You left, though Why'd you come back?

Mom passed away My dad finally made good on his threats And moved down to Paraguay

Paraguay?

I don't know He said global collapse was coming, and he was going to ride it out in Paraguay. Whatever. Anyway, all this land was here, and I was sick of making toys for rich assholes, so I moved in.

And it's just been you out here?

Yeah. About ten years now. It's not so bad. Nobody messes with you.

leaf you're no good on your own man what do you mean you are absolutely no good on your own you get up to no good at all by yourself that's not true. Leif, I haven't been inside that big workshop of yours over there, but I know for a fact that you've got several things in there that you should not, under any circumstances, be building. Right?

They're for self-defense. No, they're not.

I don't even know what they are, and I know they're not. How do you know? Leif, do not build a spaceship and go to space. Or, if you do, build a really big one. One that can be full of people saying, Hey, don't build that, dude. I know you know what I mean. You need people adding layers to your life, okay? You're Mick Fleetwood, okay? You need the full Fleetwood Mac experience. Fleetwood Mac hated each other.

That was cocaine's fault. Layers. Layers. Layers. Yes, layers. Layers. Why are we still saying layers?

Layers. Layers. Oh! You're doing the thing where you have an idea. Got it. What are you thinking? Layers.

Go get the girls. I've got an idea. Now we're talking. Casper. Yeah. Am I happy?

I mean, who's happy, man? You're better.

Okay. Let's get you home.

I have given this much thought, and I now feel that I must speak. As we all know, final judgment waits for us all in that heavenly realm. But we here in this realm of flesh and blood must do our utmost to strive towards a righteous and considered judgment of our peers while we all await the judgment of God. And while I am but a man, it falls to me this day to eke out but a fraction of our Lord's wisdom. Which is why, after much deliberation, I say unto you that the heinous murder was perpetrated by one Colonel Mustard in the dining hall with the candlestick. He's right. That's three in a row. May his punishment be tempered with mercy.

Zebulon, you missed your calling. I'm going to get you a magnifying glass and a funny hat.

Well, now, David, tell me more about this hat. Yo! What is it, dear?

Effie? Zebulon. Flip us around.

One moment.

There, right there. Send us in that direction. Nice and slow-like.

Very well, dear. Nice and slow.

Effie, what's happening?

Something's about to come a-knockin'.

I'm not easily impressed. But this stuff is pretty impressive. Thank you. It just... locks into place. This would take years in a conventional shop.

And it's just a cocktail of irradiated silicates. I don't understand any of this, but I feel like my contributions were essential.

Your cosmic radiation numbers were very important, Marguerite.

Gee, thanks, boss.

Congratulations, Marguerite. You're an engineer.

Okay, don't tell Ava.

Are you having flashbacks to the womb watching this?

A little bit, yeah.

You're going to have a Wonder Woman's airplane now.

I can finally take the kids on a trip.

Mount Rushmore, the Grand Canyon.

Hey, you know that thing you're thinking about saying?

Yeah.

You should say it.

Really?

Yeah.

It's not too weird?

It's totally weird, but you should say it.

Okay. Here we go. Hey!

Hello.

It's almost time for me to leave you.

I hope we don't kill you.

Me too. So, can we have a moment of radical honesty between the two of us? Oh, I bet this will be great. I would like to make a suggestion. I bet you would. There's a gallery opening in Baltimore. I think you should go.

What?

A gallery opening.

Yeah, I heard you. What are you talking about?

You should go. Art is important. Why? It's for Philomena's son. Philomena's a friend of yours now. You should go check it out. You know, be that supportive person.

Uh-huh. Who else is going to be there?

Many people, I'm sure.

Anyone else of note that you would like to mention?

Well, I don't know much about who's who in the art world.

You're going to be there.

I may be there. It's possible. I'm supportive. I support people.

Are you trying to set me up with you?

I don't think I would frame it in that exact way, I think.

No, thank you.

Baltimore's lovely.

No, thank you.

Utopia's coming. There's going to be a lot more art out there.

You misrepresented yourself to me.

I don't think that's true.

There's a whole other side to your story that you were not telling me.

Ava, there's not an etiquette book written that covers appropriate behavior for our specific situation.

We do not have a situation.

You know what I mean. Baltimore, you should think about it.

Give me one reason to go that benefits me and not this other version of you.

I think there is one very important thing that the two of you have in common.

What?

he also thinks that everything you say is amazing. And we are complete. Casper, come look. Okay, here we go. Let's see our ship.

What do you think?

It's a box. It is. It's a glass box. It's a cube. It's actually several complex layers of functionality. About 7,500 layers, as a matter of fact. All in the shape of a box. Cube. Correct. Why is it a box? What shape did you want it to be? You didn't think it was going to actually be a motorboat, did you? I like it. I'm literally just getting back into a box. Yes. Shouldn't this, I don't know, have wings or something? There's no reason for it to be aerodynamic. But it would make me feel better. Exactly. Zero reasons. So, X and I just get into this thing and then...

That's the idea.

What do you think? Whose idea was this? Yours. Right. Okay. Fuck it. Uh, listen, everybody. I know that none of you know me at all. But, but it's been great seeing all of you again. Thank you all so much. Ava?

Go get her, Tiger.

Here we go. Okay. Phil, thank you.

It's been illuminating.

Okay. Okay, this should be okay. All right, we're inside. How does it work from here? Do I have to power it up or... Lift off.

Cool. What a fucking week. All right, everyone. Good work. Let's take about 48 hours off And come back strong on Monday Alright? Um, what?

talking about? You all work for me now. We do? Oh, what was in that NDA? I don't know. Did she buy us? Maybe. What the hell are you talking about? We made a lot of breakthroughs this week, Leif. Time to put them to work. What are we doing? Colonizing the solar system. What? I call Europa. Ah, damn. We can share. Okay, let's go. Hey. Leif, come on. Hey, I'm nobody's employee. Suit yourself. More planets for us, I guess. Hey, you guys aren't going to Mars, are you? Mars sucks. Don't go to Mars. Wave. Stop being a smart idiot.

Fuck.

Okay, give me five minutes. Two minutes.

Jazinka? Jazinka, how can I convince you to not do this? I know how you feel, if that means anything. I can be... let's just call it obsessive. Nothing mattered to me except for the answers that I was looking for. I haven't cared about much else. And I, um, I wouldn't admit this to anyone else, but I went to Denmark and came all the way back here in search of answers when maybe I should have, I don't know, maybe I should have looked for something else. Again, I'll only admit this to you, but I think, I think there may be more than one important thing in my life. And maybe I'm not as single-minded as I thought. One of those important things is the thing you're trying to destroy right now. How do I make you stop? How do I tell you that there's more to the universe than our obsessions? That doesn't sound good. What's happening? Tazinka?

Target confusion.

What?

The signal is being detected in two distinct locations.

Two locations?

They are on opposite sides of the target environment.

Two diners?

Yes.

Somebody's back. Jazinka, it's impossible for there to be two diners. The signal is unique. Correct. Therefore, it must be a flaw in your targeting matrix.

This appears to be true.

I think the only thing you can do is start from scratch to identify the problem. There may be a fundamental flaw in your calculations.

I fear you are correct.

It's a shame. You were almost there.

I will archive this matrix and begin a new file.

I think that's the most responsible thing. Hey, before you do, how about we try out my little side project?

Side project?

You were saying you could deliver an audio recording on the back of the energy cascade?

Yes. Perhaps then this work session will not be devoid of progress.

Yes. Consolation prize!

I will prime the weapon. Please proceed to the data inputs to create audio file.

Okay.

Begin speaking now.

Is this thing on? Kazi, listen closely. It's all bullshit.

we did it did we do it i think so why are we floating in space i wasn't

I wasn't sure where to go.

Okay. I mean, I guess I'm not either. Whoa, whoa. No gravity. No gravity in the cube.

Yeah, I think they may have forgotten about that.

How do you forget about gravity? It is kind of important. How are you standing? I don't know. Well, this is fucking great. I've got to travel around like a cork in a damn ocean. Grab onto something. It's a cube. What was that? What is that like? It's a ship. Shit. Are we being abducted? I hope not, for their sake.

You know, when you finally got back, I didn't think you'd be wrapped up in a fun little present.

David! Casper, what on earth are you doing floating around in that square? Hey!

Hey, you guys!

Well, I'll be. Hello there, darling. Well, if this is making much more sense, was it you that drug him all the way back here?

It was. Hi, David.

Hi.

Who are you? You didn't tell David about me? Can we deal with that later, please? I am upside down. Stay where you are, y'all. I'll bring that odd craft of yours inside our own.

Well, I'll just be floating here.

I can't wait to hear this story.

David, I'm back.

Took you long enough, Dad.

I know! Oh, hello there, Casper. Welcome back. We have much to discuss.

Oh, fucking great.

Thanks for listening to Midnight Burger, y'all. Be sure and tune in this time next month for more adventures in the vastness.

And if time and tide roil you too harshly, or diurnal courses leave you with no safe havens, Just remember, we're out there somewhere looking for you.

We open at six.

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Supernova. Eleven Letter Christopher. Ronald Lee Parker. Antonia Ortiz. A Block of Ice. Huitlacoche is corn smut but classier. Ren the Crescent. Erica Davis. Jane Doe. John Gormanshire. Magic Incognito, Lord Drez, Drakir, Blood Butler, Sandalwood Mountain North, Cryptic Amorphous, About 45 Degrees, Mandy, Big Cat Makes Kitten Go Purr, Ted Ted and Teddy, Hi Bruce, enjoy your walk through the mall, Parker Berry, Don't actually say this part of my name, just say my name please, Dr. LL, your Jamaican fan, says Wagwan, Tula Blue and 142 Boogaloo, Pistol Pete and Death Lotion Intergalactic Transdimensional Burger Pirate Penny Pilot Debbie Trencher That One Dude Who Likes Tacos Mark the List to Name Loser The Male Escort Lady Bethany, aka Mrs. Turkey Spit Junior Barding, The Father of Lucas Ava Maddox's Ashtray Adorbees, Vera Torkelson Bones, Lizard Breath, and The Snot Rocket Would Love a Space Burger Andrea Rose, Samantha Oram Caden Suda, Bat Love's Dragon Tommy Johnson unhip fern noodles by godzilla ralph capone cory 83 blues liz wants leif to build her a plane dude named blake john caleb williams doyce lexia yontalius kian an eel exchange student from midst daberti last name rattrick ricklin like rich land but without the d dire all bethany's must do the Hustle, Jordy Ladbrad, Natasha Without Boris, Frost and Alice, Lobster Possum, Loaf Trax's drag name is Anarchist, a mostly morose ghost eating toast, hey Leander, love you kiddo, Malort Boy, Jinx the Cat would like to offer you biscuits, have a zesty day, Megan, Malcolm Edwards, spend my money irresponsibly, Steven Drop, Dana Thanielson, son of Dana Thaniel or Danny for short, Chris Eaton, cross stitcher who loves the hobby. and Time Travel, Funchbrunglin, Nash Likes Apples, Njord Flanders approves of the union of man and salamander, Pneumatic Yeti, Late Trucker, The Eldritch Skyphozoa, Wyatt Fryhover, Paul, James Bell, Dave Davison, Broom Goddess, Ricky Burnett, That New Guy, Da Savage Indian, Rad Boy, Hayden Brown, Jules Weeks, Calf, The Generous Patient Rose, John Wilkes Booth's Freedom Loving Horse, aka Jay Willikers, Neckbone, his imperial dudeness. Oh, hey, it's Jay. Grimm, off the internet, wants Harriet to know he loves her. Ernie Brooks, Titan King 707, Rich Francis, Burger Kaspaspa, no relation. Jedi Shaolin, Smart Alec the Great, Gas Station Cryptid, Deus Kashuk, Bird Bird the Bird's Bird, Cheesy McFish, Papa Goose, Sometimes I Do Feel Like a Plastic Bag, Amanda Bills, Misty Word Power,

Joe Fisher has returned to reading the list. His evil twin, Moe Bitcher, is still at large. Signed, Monte Cristo Peace Committee. Chimera, Don Moat. The space trucker, Chadwick Coden Doyle III. Jody Green, Nix Minx, Piddling Extraordinaire, Monster Senshi, Heather Got Her Divorce, Drinks Around the House, Michael Peters, Political Knitter, Seasonal Sasquatch, Siantly Seeks Secret Society, So Special Souls Softly Sing Sweet Songs, Smartly Stirring Strong Stories, Physicist, Brendan Shoneman, I Divided by Zero and Now I'm Undefined, Ah! Leif, The Horse is Here, Mag Tremor, Rod Stewart, The Sailor Slayer, James We Met, The Listless enjoyer ash morningstar and her traveling animal shelter miss maxine fuzzy wuzzy was a bear fuzzy wuzzy had no hair so fuzzy wuzzy wasn't very fuzzy wuzzy i am out there somewhere listening to you boy got them honka honkers kevin o'malley invisible guerrilla the mrs poland zamaniac hop loves a thug bot named francis pam the infinite and thou curiosity is eating your bones revolutionary Inclined Ocelot, Matt Howler, Andrew Bear, Marius de Joa, Butterfly Fox, Riot the Tranny, The Fish Did Not Acknowledge Her, Irma the Llama, 27 Keep It Tight, Chip, Gloria's right-hand jack-in-the-box man, Giardin, Grim Knight, Pike Daniels the Whale, Anthoseles Bethany Maximus, Lord of Kingwood, Texas, Ragnar Jensen, Addison Weirdo Wagner, Shua the Druid, is composting the rich for a salad bar. Araman 0305, smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for night breakfast. Titus Kosloff, ashes of a burnt out lathe. I'm a kung fu panda on the wind. Brandon AR equals Thor, I love you all, never forget that, especially in trials, and Labuza's voice brightens my day. The intergalactic house of cats demand a free Palestine. Electromancer, Chekhov's space cannon, Corey Senses, surf and turf telecoms, I'm a jinn, red and dusty with his garden goddess, Shelby Morrison, Kobe's Dingleberry, Mystic Monster for Chaos, Ziggy Dreadful, Brave Hands Mally, G-Wing, Frank One, It Is Sparks, Lost Girl Lou, Chris B, Middle American Penguin, Shanna Welch, Crocheted Cosmos, Cookie Chunks, Ya Heard? Andy the Celestial Penguin, Jackie Orion, Bo Nunley, Ariana Castillo, The Tall Deer That Portends Great Change, Lita Mettinger, Marco, Friend, as in Your Best, Lime Ghost, M, Icky Blurgs, Jay the Irascible, The Magic Committee, Committee of Anything Magical,

Joby's Mom, Ian Full, 345 Uneducated Swine Learning to Swing Dance, Nova the Fuck Accountant is definitely not a Tangle, One Intergalactic Year with Big Potato 99, a.k.a. The Rat Lady, a.k.a. Bumblebee, a.k.a. AK-47. Kai, Just a Little Guy, Ender Wright, Mark Nazawaritz, Xenia, The Capturer of Light, Duncan Albert, Theoretical Chemist, Xavier Dasher, Chris Loves to Read, Katie Michalik, Greg Andrews Lyons. In Memory of Jason Reese, Get Your Butt Fingered, That Girl Gracie, Magnus Von Kaffenheim, Saucy Little Beast, Drewbert, Captain of the SS Beefy Tits, Longtime Lurker, Scooter, The Unlucky Son, Jennifer Myers, Lady Lazarus, Donnie Darko, Tim Shin, Caitlin and CT's NeverEnding Podcast Adventures, Whisper Dan, Keo the Panda Puppy Forklift Operator, Ruby Cherries, Nick Faye, Buttholen, Justin and Amy Triplett, Jen Sims, Penelope, Ring to the Motahs, The Leathermans, Odd Commodity, Jen Before, Ander Ho, My Future Kids Stole My Muffin Madness Café, Earth Witch, Leah Prime, Gregory Santoro, Mothmull, Not the Fucky Fried Chicken, Robert Dripp- Pisa, dimension-spanning time-traveling little guy, Iono, Jonathan Tolbert, Mr. Put-It-On-06, Hedgehog Hen, Jackson Bell, Katie Chambers, Jay the Podcast Lover, Dick Rickles, Chapter President, damn glad to meet you, Malcolm Flynn, Samuel Lee, Josatron Prime, oh my god, I forgot to change my name from Nicholas Beckler to something more cheeky and fun, Arwen the Freer, ThroatGoat666, I am your father, Addie Slauson, Inconceivable Kai, Red Rum916, Nick Waycaster, Gotham still fucked up, Batman really ain't doing shit when you think about it, No Good Monk, Rai, yes, like the bread, Sarman Sayed, Jonald Grimbus, Matt Knight Bushager, Gavin Morey, damn Eitri, Andromeda, Stephen the Choi, Gloria's Authentic Earth Coffee, Gabriel T., Can Someone Find Me the Parmesan, The Treasure Trove of Troublesome Trolls, I Did This for Fun, Cookie Nebu, Axel Zapata, Siona the Goblin is bringing Leif a laser spoon, Jason McDonald, Orianda, Bean Dino, Philip Lenick, Hugh Jass, J2, Brian Montgomery, Artemis Record, Safa Aluzzi, Trev Brax, Gunnar Tweedle, The Bard Without a Ballad or a Mallet, Nazo, Platform Jail Mechanism Burn Museum Theorist, Hold Please, Kei Keiow, Empress Squishy Face of Greater Catopia, Anna Garcia, Goblin King, Rays of Noop, Kiki's Best Friend Would Like to Go to breakfast bubber duckle yegor loose terry cadds says hello ernesto leaf tracks the rise of lafe chapter one loaf tracks retires the dishonorable prodigal ilum catalyst for chaos sculliver sam and shane ahsoka likes hugs going anonymous v ma dukes u.s marshal stacy ooh chickadee dango dale

esty not the website at every moment in every corner of every possible world there is always away home, and it's already found you. Joe Paolo Lemos, Odd Keep, The Sentient Lighthouse, The Faceless Old Bethany Who Secretly Lives in Your Home, D. Shane, Tanya Fisher, Appalachian Death Queen, Zosifer Doggo of Doom, Burnt Barbecue Beef Brisket, It's Official, They're Called Thigronies, Kevin Winans, Marlon C., Just Whelmed, Madame Perry, Cherish Hellfire's Hellish Chairfire, Lichen Lady, Midnight Club, Cameron Agnese West, Knox, Lisa Liu, Emmett Hale, The Triad's Baddest Goblin, Emory and Lano, James Miles, Browncoats Love the Diner, House Chaos of the Critter Cacophony, Max, Nia, Ivonne, and Mark will see you at six. Open, open, open. No, wait. Never mind. Just Mark. And we make the world. Minion Simone Mimi Davis, Mr. and Mrs. Ronald and Misty Dawn Mitchell Jr., Gaia Turtle, Wayne Barahona, Jesse the Dragon Rider, We Will Not Rest Until Puerto Rico and Palestine are Free, Pluto Crow, Nissy's Mom, Pocah. The artist formerly known as Unpaid Intern would like to congratulate Heather on her divorce and is thinking of getting one herself. Valkyrie Storm, Patricia Who's Always Late But Somehow On Time, DC Squirrel, Kyle the Interstellar Highwomen, Shelley Act on the Verge, Gale Friend, Rubber Cake, Clover the Clown, The Sparky Tech, Prop the Croc-A-Gator, Ringleader Volt, Jazz Punker, Captain Tight Pants and the Companion, Agent Night Breakfast, Braddy for Mission Control, Renee N, Katerina de la Playa, R.I.P. Eloise Waffles, The Floof Wrangler, Aki the Space Druid, Phantom Land, TTRPG Dice, Kate-a-plume The Ghost of Dave Brocky. Rosie Mum, The Judah, Slater Morales, Intergalactic Fry Lord, Gravity's Optional but Fry's Aren't, CJ's Big Barbecue Bistro for Bethany's, Angel Vasquez, Evil the Cat, Stephen Raymer, J. Carp Fishman, The Great Goblino, Low Oxygen, Save the Mungos, Joji the Birdwatcher, A Flock of Gray Horses from the Top of a Sycamore, Lilac Morcella, Rachel Krempa with special thanks to my best friend, Lizzie, and my husband, Steve. Don't worry about the order, honey.

Your tig old bitty yeen milf majesty. Temporal Hashbrown, Diane Brown, Captain No Sleep, Jamie, the OG happy hippie, Rainy, the Slim Reaper, Reuben Eden, Smedley P. Snodgrass III, but please pause two to three seconds and then say, They call me Smeddy. The Shreveport Bohannans. CC the Umbrella Mage. Bradbury Sasquatch loads Chekhov's gun and rides to join Bethany's army. Din. Cosmic Ketchup. Lack of Lifestyle. Joe definitely didn't forget about you, August. Moosey. Hood's Pocket Gear and Sprocket Local Repair Cafe. The Crafty Introvert. Postmaster General Kwan sent me. Blake Basmagian. Nitwit 14. Roiled way too harshly. DJ Johnny B. The Klopman Diamond. Marco Montano. No Longer Doing a Bit, Shiny Fields, Adam Tachek, Christopher Wendell, Unproductive Banana, Pulsifer the Paulist of Paulism, Zombie Spider-Man, Bex823, Auntie Cryptid, Barry Heap, Gas Mask Penguin, In the Hot Seat, Mime Ninja's Ninja Mime, Master Oogway, Barry, Dilly is Dallying, It's a manic episode and you're getting three seasons. Futile Screaming at the Ocean, Fox Hatlin, Dylan Caroni, Pedro Vibresto, Slider, Malachi, Julian Rhodes, Maple Emily, the gayest library janitor in Indiana. Learn how to be calm in heart, Stumbly. I'll be waiting. Physic the good bush, definitely not one of the bad bushes, funding rebel Bethanies to overthrow the duly elected Bethanies. Hexadecimal Bethany is non-binary. Vapis 10's big black gaping hole. The planet Gubrius is still partying. We can't stop. Oh God, what have we become? Bruce, Jessica Gagoma, Torical, Jenny the Bear, Agurr, Sir Dean Thorne, Treach, Josie Jones, Mr. Fibble is very cross, Haute Potato, Dr. Mojo postulates the end list endlessly splintering off as Bethany and Burt Burt's caboose until its end lists all the way down. Blind Time Traveler Convention Date, LA Woman, The Phoenix Rising, New Name, God, no, not him, Jeff Andrew? Sure, Jeff Andrew, Cup of Noodles, Schmizzy Two Shoes, Luna Nova, Nicholas Griffith, Justin Smolin, Riku 31, Craig Dundee, New Type Without a Gundam, Astral Sea, Ickle Me Pickle Me Tickle Me Too, Witch Loud the Cartoonist, Guy with the Chops, Sam, Mitchell Yee, Bagel Knife, Imelda and Scott, Courtney Cochran, Lily Starling, Ryan K, Devin7777 has been my favorite. fave verbal stem for months nate forklift lifts forks for cliff chip radio free realia violin loves midi brian pasley suubasa the blue chernobyl dog enjoyer grenna piston whip captain ducky blitz bell shiny let's be bad guys satsuma silliest goose dr jones icy axe coach shane of toad suck central go cranes sky cole arthur lego croissant cassade norwin murgler you have all been assigned to write a four-page essay on your favorite arthropod, it will be 50% of your grade.

Joe Cuppa, Dogma Mom, We Be Chopping Broccoli, Icy Fish, The Hacker Known as Ivy DeBurb, Blue Tune, A Feisty-Ass Chickadee, Poultry Landmine, The Scrappy Poet, Jenny the Cryptid Paladin, Maverick Artist, Shit, It Was a Mimic, Basil in Their Tea, Waiting to Gossip with David, Dr. Professor Reverend Bethany Wethany Lethany Woofie McFlovenberger, MD, PhD, Esquire, and that's not pretentious at all, ahem, is looking for a cure to the Bethany mutation that the Society of Bethany's began the war with so many years ago. Michelle Spurgeon, Jack the Sleepy Garrett Henderson Twote, Still Trapped But I've Stopped Asking Why, The Freezer Is I Am, We Chill Son of Defarge, Wisco Teach Scott A. Snellgrove, Give Peas a Chance Samalama Ding Dong Behold Lady Sarah Purr, Whisker Veil Countess of Wood Hollow Mistress of the Whispering Pines And Beloved by All Creatures Small and Opinionated Ricardo Galamba, Kari's Crafty Cloaking Devices LLC, Hashtag We Weave'em of Gossamer. Penny the Wonder Dog and Bucky Von Buckbuck. Cherry Applebee. Medium Rare Extra Toasted Bun. Saucy Caesar. Belt. Aspen is a Verge fanboy. Mick J67. Ava's favorite My Little Pony Pencil wants Joe to slap into a snim-jim. Mr. and Mrs. Drifter. Representative of the Alaska Midnight Burger Tummy Time chapter. Nathaniel Lee Industries. Lord Entropy. Bok Bok Motherfucker. The Fae Wanderer. Everybody's favorite clown Splotchy. Pinstrike Algorithm. Kosher Steak. Flo Rida, Alyssa's Shiny Pants, Gondor Calls for Aid, Muscles for Tits, Arnold Rumspringa, The Demise of the Temple of Bethany's, Alan Berglund says, Hi Mom, Rin the No, Kitty McSkull, Raven Stromdans, Hapless Novelist Passenger of the Dimensionally Impermanent and Temporally Incontinent Bookshop Cafe, The Wild-Eyed Prophet, Tessa Craig, Perfectly Personalized Disaster, Jim Turner, Lux Luminos, Javi De Niro, Big Chunk, Gadides, Boom Boom's Wooden Leg, Will the Real Muad'Dib, please stand up. Jilly Bean. Benjamin, not Franklin. Tracy Baby. Leia. Is that the Chris Hancock who traded weekly soup for the use of my kitchen table? A singular nightbird. Bethany in a green field, I am the lizard frantically firing flechette guns, A-E-I-O-U-Y-N-W, Bumblefay, Mr. Epsilon, The Mothman, Long-Haired Matt, DJ, Robert W, Brielzebub, Krasimira, Jessa Loren, The Bean Wizard, Myth and Stitch Embroidery, Loves the Mucklewains, Lulu Louise, Dulio, The Brew Crew Family, Burt Ruba, Your Most Benevolent Lord and Master of the Multiverse, Jeffrey George, Ellie, Don't Tariff Me Bro, Oopsie, Evelyn, The Wizard Mooses Holds Out Their Cat For You To Pet, Grimlor, Ginny Waboom, Errant Popsicle Stick, M. Horowitz, Isle of Refuge, Jack Spider's Mom, Bubble Butt Bethany Has Banana Breath,

Llama Fresh, Jare the Benevolent Destroyer, Valtiel Heller, Sad Little Earth Monkey, Revan the Red Beard Wizard, Bert Bert and the Funky Bunch, High Viscosity, Gender Fluid Slime, Bethany 2, Electric Boogaloo, Welcome to the Quan Pound, pen pen pen pen pen pen pen. Mr. Muchacho Kaiserschnitzel has successfully recruited Sarah Murphy's cats for the Trouble Puffs Fight Club. The wolves in the deep freeze say, awoo! Julie Hammond, Sanctuary Moon's number two fans. Insane clone posse. Alice Lewis, simply Amy Sue. I pushed her because Joe said so. Even older Liz. McBearcat. Grack Pinfeather, Sitikin Druidic Scientist. Astro, your friendly neighborhood android. Moonlight Zombie Fox. Old Doc Recy, the Midnight Missionary, out there somewhere looking for ya. Rotten Ronnie Sleeps in Grandma Panties. Artist Dragonborn. Bigby Garage. Bill Zangana Lester. Joaquin Jimenez. Big MF Juice. The SIP. Muffins. Space Wives are officially Verge and Deidre. Chad Hatter, Cosmic Tea Maker of the Triads. Captain Jack Harkness wants Peter the Robot. Tell your cat, I said. Banana Manaz. A Corgi called Kibble. Cuddly Kraken. Sarge the Bard. Suminity, LL Cool Mint Jams Travis Roberticus, the other original Caitlyn, Ken Daddy In Xanadu did Kubla Khan A Stately Pleasure Dome Decree Leia Izadi, Millie Was Taken Dead To Me 86 B Camp, Shanman Man Man Karma Karma Chameleon Kinran Says Hello, Zoe and Her Army of Mice, Briar Longlost Daniel, Sammy the Baby Seal Trixie Belle Dubois Dr. Bootyologist the Glutes Doctor The Real Housewives of Hood's Pocket Thank you for pressing too. Your Anglophone Emotional Support Canadian request will be processed in the order in which it was received. Queen Surly Jess, RIP Lance McClain, You Would Have Loved Midnight Burger, Adam Toklove, Dr. Bitchcraft, Sassy Cat the Space Vixen, Claire Rock, Jekka, Eros to God, The Size 2 Fish You've Been Looking For, Iokai, Borgia, Spiders Are Cuddly, The Main Immortal Pinball Sounds in the Diner, Cheel Neal, Sin City Scuba Steve, Pollywog, Michaela White, Elena Pickle, Wilbur Winklewright, wristwatch wrangler of West Worcestershire, riding through the desert on a horse named Patoon. Professor Thaddeus Snookums VIII, Mr. Grin, Glenn Petrovsky. This moment of silence so Joe can catch his breath is brought to you by Rick Tyler. Elizabeth Hammond, CheapCon, the real CheapCon, coming to you from the frozen Midwest wastelands, except no imitations. Steamvision, conductor of the interdimensional time-spanning hype train, Dave Harold, Wisecube, Bromine, pronounced bro, mine, mainhamdinga, Mother of Pearl, Fiona now owns Leif's 18-inch Peter, Sealface, Rigor Mortis, Megan's Things, Things Megan Makes, Coilane, Trebek's Reject, Prophet of the God of the Mucklewains, Darth Ox, Michelle Kay,

Aaron Arnold, boyoyoyoyoyoyoyoying, as in boingy, Mamamander, B-Roz, and Slunkmaster J, Alpaca Lips Spokane Doesn't Suck Elliot Paints Undead Akira The Lord Reverend Ryan Thomas' Ten Tenebrous Tan Staphal Tippers Treading Treacherously Tantamount to Telling Totalitarian Trope Termination Tales The Lovely Laura Lovely Kith Gamgee Sam Wise's Flamin' Cousin Dariel Jeremy the Ruler Gochi Charles Robert Darwin III Esquire PhD Jacob Mitchell Zeke in the Box Stevie Crowhill Hola Millikan of The Welcome Wagon Says E Cabo The Adventures of Magpie and Brown Bear, Scrubs, Becky, Just Some Guy from Adelaide Named Ryan, Remy, The Panda Crew, Melody Prime, Beardo the Wizard, Captain Benjamin Hawkeye Pierce, the German short hair pointer from Nashville, wants to tell his mom Maddie that he says wolf, Whiskered, Any Two Hands for the Double High Five, Marissa the Ghost, Local Snowplows in your area are dying to meet you, Rutherford B. Chesterfield and his dapper companion Winchester, Cheshire Corgi, Stray Cat, Ol' Kelsey No Shoes, Zoldia, Dizzy flame. We serve everyone eventually. Sasha, Beth and Alan Van Gillis, Langston North, Sly Fox, aka Br'er Rabbit, your friendly neighborhood vagabond, the constantly lost geographer, Timothy Aotis. Chance wants you to know he can... Cares, Wolfstark, Elliot, Hobbs Decoe, Natalie Bartlett, Rory of Yin, Mubi the Golden Calf, Suda Satoshi, Giovanni Salinas, Rocky G, Perry the Pirate, Aaron Elizabeth, K-Narcotics, Solomon Price, Daydream, but evil, Bubba 485, aka Schemmelbach the Christmas Whale, Kaiju Sommelier, Stella Corvus, Jesus Garcia, JP the IT Guy, Candyman Fight, John Peters, you know, the farmer, Barkley on the Holodeck, Dapper Dad, SCP-044, O Magus, Raven the Dreamer, TK Turtle King, Mike M, Space Based Lasers, Captain B and Lady G with their swabs, Marla Madam Lotus still especially loves Finley, Mr. Steamwave, my friend the rhino says be nice. Hoop challenge. Dream Founder, I'm your Huckleberry, Elizabeth T, Ty Ty the Wonder hamster and her dear darling duke grandpa gus boombastical kim licker coco yumi's broken pony pity party hug a muffin bigfoot of doom dl any atkins a bounty hunter called the crandy man goro my cats say to tell you meow think fast chuckle nuts flash banged benjamin ortiz mr frog president pop rock quicksand i want finley to say my name well i guess i'll just go fuck myself them. Mr. Squizzle, Sizzle, Whizzle, Fizzle, the horrendous apologizes for conspiring in the Bethany War. Invites for tea are being sent now. Abanasso, Mr. Rage, Attalore, Trans Space Dinosaur,

Spooky Spader's Storytime, William Kent, Andy, the McJimmy's from your local dimension, Ryan Abbey, Thomas Adams, Drink Spiller, Stephanie Buk, Entropy Eigenbasis, Andrea Crowther, Martin Deers, Kevin Daughtry, DeFlower, Two Daddy Jazz Hands from Mouse Toots, Dan Gentry, I hope something good happens to you today. Yes, you. V Greenlee, Ron Hayden, Michelle Hopper, Jake the Cook, Josie Jones, Boot Scootin' Dave, Anthony Lakey, Britt Littlefair, T.U. Luther, Some Days You're the Beatle, Some Days You're the Dung, Lauren Mayer, Glenn Morris, Richard Ryan Mochelle, Michelle Myers, Ali Oopsie, Not to be Confused with Oopsie, Fridge Bickle, Rosemary Prim, Robert Savat, Lizard Lee, Eliza Sharp, Donald Shingler, Daniel Stavvy, Fall of the Berlin Wallaby, Kella T. Arena, Rachel Vasquez, Luca Vichito, Naya Venturi, the beloved yet borderline inappropriate empire of Dr. Thunderbutt and Lady Christabel, Justin Wiley, Brett Zimmerman, Arrow Jones Jubal, Xavier Killingsworth, Lane Kiffin is a hoe, Mimetic Hygienist, Aaron Star Joshua Damien and Sentinel of the Star System, Claude DeClaws, Spunky Dan, Rachel Seymour, Chiss Alfridge the Bullheaded Professor, Ed Boy, Ryan Finnelly, Jonathan Kay, Pearl Null, Another Monster, Petabyte Avatar, Tugwin the Mighty, Project Octopus, Ken, Chibs1012, Scotty Oates, Byrotron95, Happy 13th birthday, Danny. Dance, Brick! It's okay, do your thing.

It's okay, do your thing.

Speaku, The Bracken System and its Homeworld Ren, Simply Tony, It will always be Finley's work hole to me if you know you know. Gabriel Castellan, whom, what, when, where, and why is what all Fagronis say while listening to Midnight Burger. Niko Degayo goes great on Midnight Burgers, a drum major and a trapeze artist walk into Connie's bar. Retorted, Sir Party Animal, Byro the motherfucking dragon welcomes a dog, a destroyer of snacks, to Midnight Burger. Uloy Jackal, are you sure you might rob the Nancy Sinatra court need to leave it alone if you want to live? Must be a witch, cat with a K, Miss Shan Frizzle, my figaroni has a first name, Stoppenstein L. Mustachio, Luca for Hezekiel, La Chihuahua Brava, Adeline Peets, CC Carousel, Korth the Destroyer, Honest Puck, Casper's Mom's Milf, Scout and Foxglove says the floor is lava, Unexpectedly Blue Red Nell, Kordomsky, Craig Armstrong, Plastic Fork, Dulcet De Leche Studios presents Under the Truskin Sun, Get Out of My Booth, Bug, Propagator, I Hardly Know Her, Sad Angry Crab Man, Chuck McFinley, Effie and Zebulon's trans great-granddaughter Hazel Hayes, Velocity Girl 42, Little Dragon and a Cauldron of Bats, Ben Carlyle, Flat Steve's Love for Grand Theft, Anna Kearney, Tater Tot Assassin, Four Schnauzers of the Apocalypse, Starblaze Burnbright, Imzuki Yoki, Spotted Rhino and Her Hand-Me-Down Frogs, Red Mafia Panda, Lonely Isle, Kai Dallow Headphones, Hinkle, Pikeman Stover, Fondella Stover, Pikeman Stover's Wife, Alexander the Boss Skrizzles Flap Kitty Kitty Kitty The Firekeeper The End Is Nigh Jeremiah the Cancelled Librarian Alex Spike and Faye Johnny Ellen West and the Boys from the Dwarf Speedy McSpeed Eli, Wolf, Brandy Gunter, Auntie Becky is owned by Five Rescue Cats, Speckled Unicorn, Jedi Rides Again with Nova the Space Pirate, Tevin Longblade Shortsword, Forget Normal, A-Damn, CJ Johnson, A Dragon Sitting on Its Horde of Dice, Wendell Whitaker, Chumbo Wumbo, Pikachu, Smivey, Glowbed Roulette, Andrew Fuller, Ban Mi-Hung, The Soup Witch, Fetishini Alfredo, Cowboy and Sasquatch hunts bethany's pebbles vv effie rawlings megan hazen philip your dad is not your dad nick borough midnight plumber his royal highness mr hamilton underfoot kitty the first and accomplice princess penelope the marchioness of mischief and maven of mystery megan gentry mr cherry our ass is in the jackpot tubby teddy wayne heiser india inkblot slev of bahamut omi gracie dalton jenkins cat Holtz, CalArt and the Tired Knight, The True Mega Mike, Fred and George, Lavinia, Ava Maddox Jr., Liza Wirth, Cass Williams, Christy, Yeet My Boy, 46 Tool Shed 2, and L. Marie Catastrophe, The Image Collector, Blended Music, Definitely Not Kevin, Sitting Squirrel, Patricia E. Melt says

in a world of slugbots, Be a Hugbot, Red the Gray, The Silver Crow, Couch Potato Alex, Neverchild, Dr. Nassos, Interdimensional Biologist Kiboko Dunord, Kozamine Theodrax, Joey B Lucas Bardin got his barber to listen to Midnight Burger, Little Debbie Cupcake Taryn says, hey, Oreos are rabbit. Sandalwood Mountain offers peace for your soul. Whimsical fuckery, Megan with an H hey, it's Warranty Lady, look, I've been thinking, maybe it'd be best if we, you know saw other people for a bit. I need more. Patricia the Time Lord Kashak the Lizard Wizard casts check engine light. Mango Connoisseur, Britty Bug the Quirky Jester, The Big Moose and His Wife the Little Moose, That Old Glory Coal, G.L. Miao-Nae's Cat Butler, O'Sheen Liu, Alex Berry, Andrew Oakden, Asymmetrical Exile, Magpie Cat Says Everything's a Bag of Holding If You Know How to Pack, Churro the Space God, Eliza Travels the Universe, Lindsay Bowen the Goddamn Podcast Lawyer, Alex Spruce, Dr. D. Birdcloth's Weather and Mrs. Dubopteway Birdclaw Spweather want to say hello to the whole Spweather family. I lost my galaxy britches in a game of pants darts. Angry Ron, Dominus Caesar, Dirk Adub, Gloria's ex-girlfriend, Kelly Clickspring, The Wild Thistle, most likely Cass, James Harlow humbly requests a custom sound effect. Jasmine James, Dr. Caberant, also known as Omni, thanks Waffle Chateau. Colorado Beekeeper, Fruitcake, Zephyr's Wife Has the Hots for Zebulon, Zembria, Jennifer Culkins, Midday Burger, Dawn Parks, ThroatGoat666, Oh My God, My Dad Found Out About My Patreon Name, Princess Leia, Fish in a Bag, September, Previously Observed in the Pattern, Prime Freak, Protector of the Scottish Realm, Little Lord Stevie Pie, Droid Pirate Finley and his Rubenesque parrot, droid pirate Finley, and his Rubenesque parrot, Stuck in a Pit of Skittles, Sea Squatch, Deflater Mouse, Tony Piekarski, Adrian R., The Devil from Table 12, Javier, Crazy Thadley, Cremulus is just happy to be here, The Twisted Twigster, Real Housewives of Seagius, Fae Queen, Oop Schnart the Probability Demolition Expert, Showtime, For My Mother, CCTX Girl 6823 Waiting on the diner. Nicole Studioso. K the Flying Penguin honks at the horde of Bethany's encroaching on their nest. Honestly, this is getting absurd. Truck Stop Sandwich, Indigo Escargot, Love My Captain, Joe Mauma, Wandering Biscuit, Castriff, Ames Affection for Internet Protection, Retro MG, Night Script Widget the World Watcher wearing a waistcoat and wig This Lana is bananas B-A-N-A-N-A-S Uhtred and Rose's Viking Void Vitals Fueling the Intergalactic Fight Against Fascism

Yeah, Not Sure What I'm Doing River Brown Senior Deuce Warped Rider Tim Nacy Ruben Clamso Turwin Morgan Brockman Sylvie Friendly Neighborhood Fire Protection Engineer Skull Bulb Dustin Watson Betty White 813 Randy Supreme and Queen Lancaster, Bolivar Shagnasty, The One True Cheap Con, Starscribe, Lucian Thunderstruck, Glorbnar 7, now granting refugee status to victims fleeing the Bethany Wars. Duzer now identifies as Roman Durge, The Other Adele, Chef Galval, Leah Hall, Sarah May. Minsky Enterprises is excited to announce that Cone of Silence Consultants, LLC, has been named its exclusive provider of logistics services. Silly Willy Bubble Butt, Sierra Not From Arkansas, Ebenezer Boob, Kayla

Halib Tumiala, Jason Woods, Arnie Arbuckle Esquire, Potion Maestro, Nebula Nell, Regulators Mount Up, Wandering Scholar, Kringle Over Coffee, Mad Yogi Eileen, A Cat Named M, Petito Pato, Palace, Big Mo, Dominic Narwhal 8, I am Annie, I live forever in every moment I've existed, I swear to every star in the cosmos I never forgot it was a gift, The Stone Fox, Sylvia, Pepitos, Slap Power, Henry the Goose, Jennifer Baumer, Ninja Grim Reaper, Miles Nelson, I am a bomb till I think of something else to do, Brrrrit Words, Hotshot Huntley, Momo's Mama, Space Mormon Says What? Ivy Paisley, Toast, Sue Watts, Myrtle, Caitlin, Leader of the Unicorn Revolution, Transdimensional Delivery Man delivering pipe across the multiverse, apparently. Matlock, Lord of the 13th Sea, Mr. Trigvie, The Fourth Era, Printing with Cats, Khaleesi Del Mar, Vaughn Vega, Dixie Dinah, 7,000 Possums, KBS 1017, Silas Vex, Sarah Jack Sparrow's Space Pony, Revive, Debbie E, Emma, Mr. and Mrs. Owo, Dusty Ventures, and his pilot Uzi Driftin' Through Space, Ronnie Porter, Gloria's Line Cook, Eagle Rock Lobster, The Gabbiest Painter, and Her Bird of Fire, Painted Oni, Q-Del, Pharrell, Emily with two Es, Spaceman Nathan, Ramsey's Niblick III, kerplunk, kerplunk, whoops, where's my Thribble? Jackie Wavelet, Yayoi Gagarin, A Gremlin with the Munchies, Michelle Scaracchio, Genuine Jacob, Space Rooster Randy, Leopard Donut, Poofy Thang, Mellow Nuggets, Keychain Crap, Matt Matt Sharkman, SteeLo, Bumbling Lily Bee, Buffy's Daughter. A quick pause so Joe can sip from his tiny teacup.

Hey guys, remember that time three years ago that I had a small teacup?

Panda, Kennedy Allison Farner, the perpetually tired transgender time traveler, Tristan Stoles, Dalen Y, Shadow Rapture, Yet Another Nicole, Hank the Wonder Llama, Arcraft, Russell, Zephyrus Wind, The Ornamental Hermit, Jay to the Lynn, Just a Regular Fox, Jeremy Impson, What the Hell, Cineplex, and All the Black People in North Carolina, Just Rachel, Waffles, Waffles, Waffles, Danger Girl, Atlas Bear, Patty the Ginger, Ava's Cigarette Ash, Hugh Biftit, A-Zeus, Anaphylaxis, Scav with Comtax, the shape-shifting sad girl and her girlfriend say, Joe, you've done it again. Piplesskin in the Pippi Pond. Sarah Nicole, the Kells fights with the Bethanies, Angry Leafs Lasersaw, Magnus Aerochill, Amy Perry, Christopher Kai, Source Decay, descendant of the Swether Catfish Whisperer, Vagabond Mary, Randy's Amigo, Bold Mouse, Katie Mermaid, and the delinquent duo, Nauman, Nicole, Victor Schauberger reincarnated as White Mountain Hillbilly Glitter Cupcake, Max Dangers, Security Chief Shatsy, The Anxious Peach, Team Michelle and Billy, Naya Nix Reno, Frankenator, Nortlebash, Jordan, Arwen X Belasco, Ryan Rosinski, Average Height, Medium Rage, Audio Monkey, Joe, Team Hefeweizen, Kay. In the mysterious AZHQ, I'll grant you that we have a multiplicity of Mike's, a jumble of James's, a trifecta of Tony's, one of whom still wants to be Leif, but sadly, no Bethany's. Rowan, Vady of the Black and Herald of the Stars. Arianne Can't Manage Normal, Ryan Burnett, The Joyful Nihilist, Dr. Dr. B, Zoprez and the Bumble Army, Growing Into My Farm Boots, Superbeth Becomes an RN, Alongside My Bootstup Farm Friend, Geneva Boss, Arkansan Not Ark and Sawyer, Brothers of the Cosign, Uncivil Gnomes, The Rat Queen Evelyn, Great Lunch Conversation, Captain Scott, Letty Lou.

He was a shifty one, that Nick Howard.

Kinger Was Here, Bobby Ray Winland Jr., Bebop Be Dabba Doo Wop, Warped Echoes, Slabs McTerps, Big Brother House, This Is Lord Robert O. Tardis, You Are Live On Channel 4, Please Do Not Swear, Jeremiah Franco, Justin, The Nick of Time, Gothic Rainbow, So We Made It, Cody McClure, McHadley, Eternal Companion, Maxine Lizotte, Jingolos, Eris, Goddess of Nobody, Hasmatilda, Ditsy Bay, Just Your Average Reese, Kyle Church, I Am A Lafe On The Wind, Static Ego, Lolly, Evan M. Dobson, Dave B., Nobby, your friendly neighborhood pathologist, going to be lit, Captain Emerald L, Wayne Hall, Danny Mars, Externally Screaming, But Bethany, I Made Biscuits, Scebo and Fuzzle McBumpernitz, Neelix Tiny Wolf, Asher the Raven, Christina Senatis Teleporting, BRB. The Shanes are not organized enough for a war, but there is a growing number of us and it is concerning. Definitely not an android, seriously, I'm not. The Wandering Welshman, Whatever Tabby, Carolyn Harper, Nikolai Tolkachev, Capo the Sartorius, Z3DT, Shy Sparrows, BLTN, the Kiwi Duckling, Dana Dana Bobena, Fifi Fofena, Monsters Almanac's biggest fan, Aubrey and her dad, Tequila Mockingbird, Spweathergoose, Dameron the Space Goblin, Iso Pale, Exquisite Whimsy, I am Lord Zoltan, hear me roar, Pocket Ghost Max, Mags the Conqueror imposes economic sanctions on the end of the game.

B. Bethany's for the whole laser saw car incident. Wes and Heather wonder if Derek Adair will join. My cat's name is Beef. Katie Kate, get your colonoscopy. Victor Casados, Emily Schmemely, work for Melvis. Boho go bye bye for Jojo Pogo, that's a no-go bro. Cody Monster, Collided Mind, Miss Nixie, Baby Baton Lee, Charlie Rudel, Kyle Perino, AK, Sid the Sloth on a Bike, Priya Gandhi, The Wandering Mermaid would like you to know that the Little Mermaid and the Creature from the Black Lagoon, or The Same Exact Story, Little Stevie Pie, Green Mountain Hermit Bethany, This is Two Polar Cat, broadcasting on The Undersignal, Carl, the Teller of Dad Jokes, Skylab's Multidimensional Multiphasic Intergalactic Quantum Cyberverse, Verde Sol, Galen Miller, Tess, Geriatric Youngun, Mystic Hippie, Unforkable, Local Marsh Hag, Daniel Nitz, Mavis Bacons, Pyro's Calling, Joe Suasion, The Wizard Supercalifragilistic Expialidocious, and introducing Recy Pontiff as the 38th Doctor. Too many Jans, says. Things are bad, but we're going to win. Pamela Roselle Tierra. Then Steena says. Thud Tweed. Enigmatic Catbird. Countess of Carbon. Slappy the Squirrel. Luminous Elk. Rhodian Caution. Love is for the Nierds. Taz Hernandez. Captain Crash and the surviving crew. It's just Tyson now. Casper needs all the hugs, but Joe needs an O2 tank. Quote says. Joe is the writer's room, NastyDog74 needs crew for ship, Brown Coats okay, Awkward Heretic, Devin7777, Troy Aker, Mandy Kane, Northerly K, Lost Bassan, you know, the moon prison outside the triad, Kim Sel, Silly Goose honk honk, Ad Matha, Astro Unit, Ghost Saberwolf, The Sleepy Mystic, Sarah Joy, Taters Precious, It's Just Steve, RuPaul Atreides, Mere Tender Creatures, Amanda Short, Chut, Brimble, Deidre, Mike Whiskey and Your Friend Frosty, No Saguaro, Ben Bar, Stand Clear of the Closing Doors, Please, Beastly Death, Sven the Unlikely, Cognito Hazard Expunged, Ted Wassenasen, Virestria, Theosis the Theologian-ish, Why Is My Daughter So Feral, Send Help, Fernwood Gal, Nellie G, Twinkle Tots, Gemini Sky, Phantom's Moms, Callison, Hornswoglin Daniel Arthur, It's a Fucking Dog Rapture, Abigail Yodoli, King Humble, We'd Better Ask Dave, Wind Chimes for Safety, Cameron Winterborne Welsh, Fireball XL5, Mackenzie Duna, Code Stranger, One Betty Bet, ha ha ha ha ha, Matt N, Alfie Revenurum, Momo Nakiki, Frelp, M. Lin, Feed My Fish, J.R.R. on SFP, J.Spark, Lucid Harbor, Little Mirror Leopard Paws, Diet Knight, Mars Royalty, Take 20 Damage, Maisie's Bandstand, Kim Bob, Battle Pope and Bugaboo, Snorts Magortz, Fresh Squeezed, Patrick Holt, Hold It Now, Hit It, Had It, Had It, Hot It, Hud It, Bradley Ashby, Peter, William Dyer, Vicky Hebert, Brad

Minear, Jane, Hannah Dale, Crystal Delightful, Gruntled, Killshot Betty and her Steel-Eyed Bow, Jackie Lowey, The Little Pigeon, Quentin Elizabeth Jones, Lily the Planetary Brain, Crazed Bear, Dr. Lattice Trash Angel is living in the walls cause they bought a house and have walls now crafty lizard be quilting noble barrel yes my brain is weird thank you bibbidi boppidi boom megan the meg young cory morose russell bunny max savage jenny wren apprehensive craig tim aranetta bacon nicole studioso rambo chaos watcher jeremy baramy stephanie sturgis kirsten hurry up and wait sarah farmer and belladonna first of her name criddle twilio Heidelberg, Tom Webster, Rashmi Vinkatesh, McClump, Azana the Leathersmith, Salazar the Dough Mage, Hayward's Finest, Garen Elizondo. To my little, you'll always be my good girl. You took a piece of my heart and left a paw print on my soul. Till we meet again. Sir Shitsalot strikes again, damn animal. Ashton James, Elspeth, Skyland, ALR, Sidewalk Jam, Tonka 2005, Cruisin' B. Anthony, Trick says WHERP! Tybalt I, Allifrog, Trey the Turquoise Tortoise, Freya Titmittens, Courtney the Frogologist, Corey and Stephanie Say Hello, The Funtucky Wrangler, Scrim Brulee, Yay, Aaron, The Singing Loon, Zuzanna, Celeste Yos, I'm So Antigone Fun, I'm Ava's evil twin sister Bethany, Katie and Noah, Hendrix the Stink, The Ambergler, Boodles, Osvaldo Simeone, Ashley Chapel Peoples, Ryan Ortega, Barbarian Bloodbath, The Defenestration of Ted's, Corrine Sabrantha, Shadow Daddy, Rubius Fuzzlebutt, K-Mac, The Something Something Detective Agency, Hayabuda, Eli the Electrician, Sunny D'Anomaly, Charmé, K-On with Karma, The Wondrous Methasophon, Hashtag Nissan Acura, Finnegan Robert, Jesse Foster, Samira, Mother of Cats, Flat Doug, Deary Darling, Ambient Drifting man 80, Chris Hancock, Nicole 23, gracefully impaired, tired pirate muffin, Steve King loves

Kathy, Laura, Roman Ronan, John Pruitt, Camel Pope, Philomena, Rebecca Trossel, Igpe Attenlay, Chris from Tacoma, The Real Fairy Godmother, Sir Alphonse Suitperson, Knight of Hood's Pocket, Polished Poldrons, Pacing Pine Pats, Protecting Pocket from Sneaky Skullduggery, Mitzi Lu, Kelsey Holm, still Casper's number one fan but now armed with a quantum spatula and ready to duel every Bethany in the multiverse with breakfast wisdom, Damien the Goddamn Time Lawyer, Matt Mosby, Saint Phu, Harry Fishnuts, Astronoweeb, Magnos the Civil Gnome. Welcome, everybody. I'm Hydelon, and I'll be leading our Midnight Burger emotional support group. Starlight, David Pierini, Techno Ranger Rick, Joe's Weaslaf, Virgo Ares Infinity, Best Buds Danny and M, Charles Q. Choi, A Bug Named Nat, Cece Ryder, Hunter B, Rudra, Death the Kid, Big Whiskey, All Cockinator, Ron Was Here, Magic Pony, Robert Oliveri, Often Wrong Dan, Jess Gioia, Killer Odd. Dr. Puntkusher Esquire officially opens Closet Baby Cat Speedway for the season. Creator 67, Mermaid of the Dark Seas, Cosmic Shrug, Incorrigible Ross, SCRB Mark 11, Eric A. Rayborn, Maggie's Yarm, Stew, Enthanomaly, Megan Mighty, Haunt, Purple Saline, Three Legs are perfectly good. Drew and LA. Anomalous Death to PSL Vandal. Fuck Ice. Captain Blep. Ryan. Evie Power. Terry. PJ Says What? Amelia Lucero et al. Fear Now Doesn't Polish the Shiny Melon. Blargo, Blargo, Blargo. The Jazz Man. Tonight at 11. Larak the Barbarian S. Hicks Bezzy Mates. Zealous Pragma. Tuba Rick. It's Just a Blake. Alice Malice reminds you to take your medication, please. Your health is important. Kelly Jane Dankey, Aaron the Optimist, Thomas Stolen, a.k.a. Casper from Another Universe, Chadney Ashra, Lucrezia, Thornis Animator, Tamara Oliver, The Real Dirt Fairy, Marissa, Ava, no, not that, Ava, the one with an... Grim says, trance rights, y'all. Zachy Nat, Underwater Corvid, Spizzer Ringdom, Snakes and Bakes, Michael Christian, Ransom, Maroon Maiselil, Grawlix and Tarobang, Late Indeed Again, Theron Pyralis, Om Vega, Coming Soon, Dances with Burritos, Guacked and Loaded, Aaron Mitchell, Lady Keanu Myson, Onyx Rose, Jackie Wavelet, J.R. the Hiker Bear, Velocicate, Al Cave, Krusty McBeardface, Maloran, Sweet Michelle, Cara, Call Me Zen, Colibri, Mel Momberg, Rogue, Lisa Geisler. Uh, attention, Dread Pirate Fred, Fred Berger, we have run out of languages. Please contact our office. What the Chuck, Sono Nisuno, Ben and Jessica, Todd Van Voorhis, Nea DeRusso, Peachy Zatoichi, Ingy the Crack, and Azula the Brave, and their ever-faithful squire Grabthar.

Jen Extraneous, Dancing Dog Dreams, Trinket Coralie, and Existentially Exhausted Bean.

Well, it's my mom emailing us about Brigadoon at the Pasadena Playhouse, honey. Brigadoon. At the Pasadena It'll be thick and great

Thick and great I don't recall I don't know I don't know exactly what vocal fry means Honestly It's like oh my god

What's that

Okay I don't remember that part It's like influencer voice Oh shit right

okay see this is the one i should have checked in on let me just reread this for a second

so it's in moments like these it's it's in moments like these when i'm reading the script and i imagine what it would be like to be effie to have the husband zebulon be this way about board games like always be this way about games and how it drives her fucking crazy

he's really like it's it's like inherit the wind in this moment for him you know what I mean he's taking it seriously

it is a man's life it's also tough because we've been watching so much Poirot and there's a whiff of David Suchet's Poirot about this just a little bit so i gotta not cross these i got i believe i believe in you

so it's a terrible word and i'm so sorry i put it in there i'm so sorry simulacrums

simulacrums he could have been talking about a vegetable spiral lizer blah blah blah vegetable Vegetable spiral liser. Vegetable spiral laser. Liser. She's getting feelings. In season five. Oh, no. She cares about people. Oh, what? Oh, fucking great. The Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish. Welcome to Magenta Presents, a new horror anthology hosted by me, Madam Magenta. We begin with the five-part miniseries Ghosted, starring Beth Eyre and Lucy Roslin. Perched on a rain-battered cliff edge is a former lighthouse. It's a charming, quirky boutique hotel. Owner and sole-occupant Beth has spent months renovating, absorbing its essence into her bones. It's an old building. You'll get used to it. But to Beth's horror, her first guest is a figure from a past she has tried to forget. Kira? Beth? What the fuck? Face to face for the first time in years, the pair must reckon with old mistakes, old grievances. Beth, speak to me. Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up! And something else. Oh, I can't bear it. What is that noise? Because the lighthouse has a past, too. Beth. He's right there. Why is there blood on your hands? We need to get out of here. Kira. Kira. I can still see him. Subscribe to Magenta Presents wherever you listen to podcasts. See you soon, fans of the esoteric. Bye. Magenta Presents.

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