Muse

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guarantee previously on midnight burger casper and x climb into the boom cube and get a one-way ticket to hell uh how does it work from here do i have to power it up or it's all popping off in cryptessia the gang is slowly getting back together so that they can finally take on croc it is immeasurably difficult to surprise me doctor he's got a great big gun and it's also hoarding orbs for some reason remember that one But the headline these days comes from Ava.

Kazi, listen closely. It's all bullshit.

I realize she says that about everything, but this time she's talking about Croc. Meanwhile, on the other side of the galaxy, Gloria and the Midnight Burger B team went hunting for murder beasts, and what they discovered was neither murderous nor beastly.

What? The data is telling me that this creature is a deeply augmented human.

How is that possible?

Many changes have been made, but the base DNA sequence is that of an Earthling. Holy shit.

Oh my god. It's just another one of Croc's experiments.

When are these insane space gods going to stop invading our story and ruining the vibe? I thought we were dinering. Where is Leif again?

Why can I not get the sound right? Come on! Leroy Jacobs!

Whatever, I'm sure he'll turn up eventually. Let's start the shift.

Thank you.

Hey, Voon.

Good evening, Gloria.

Can't sleep?

An earth does not sleep in the conventional sense. We have a recumbent period where our mind consolidates the memories of the day in a more organized, long-term location in our mind. Humans do the same, but for an earth it does not require sleep, rather a period of intense meditation.

Sleep sounds better to me

I have noticed this in Earthlings Many of you long for the period of the day when nothing happens and you are not aware of your surroundings

That is true

And yet you are awake

Yeah, I don't think I'm on diner time yet I'm still adjusting You know

Even though you don't sleep, you seem a little sleepless, Woon.

I am wrestling with a dilemma.

What's up?

Earthlings do not appear to be attached to their planet. I've observed in Fiona and the Captain an affinity for striking out into the stars and leaving your home behind.

I think maybe you're observing the more adventurous Earthlings. There are plenty of us who like staying put. My old sous-chef was like that. Caesar was born in Phoenix, lived there his whole life, and just fucking loved the place. I personally don't know how you get really hyped up about Phoenix, but he never wanted to go anywhere.

I see. So I may be working from a skewed sample of earthlings?

Any earthling who spends a lot of time here is going to be a non-typical earthling, I think.

And the Earthlings that wish to remain in their place of origin, what is it that binds them to that place?

I don't know, really. I'm not sure why people feel at home somewhere. I think they feel like they fit, like they're a missing piece of the puzzle, like they fell into place.

I see. We Earths love our planet. Our civilization has been a shared project from its most ancient iteration, all of us with a single goal, knowledge above all. It was only when we began to communicate with other worlds that we had to acquaint ourselves with concepts such as war and competition.

And you had to leave.

Yes. To be assigned the role of sorcerer after your period of enlightenment has ended is a great honor and a tremendous responsibility, but it is a somber one. We are told, keep Urt within you, and I have.

I'm sensing a butt coming, Boone.

This creature that we have taken under our care, it has been greatly victimized, tortured. I believe that Fiona has as well, but Fiona has found a way to escape the victimization and have a life that I feel she is proud of. But this creature will never escape. It is condemned.

I know. I don't know what to do about it.

To create technology that would do this to another being. It is the greatest of transgressions for us. It cannot stand.

I think you and me and all of our friends are trying to stop it right now, Loon.

This army that we are facing, their armaments are considerable.

We've been doing okay so far.

Yes, but they are not designed for individual conflict. They're designed to overwhelm. I believe if we ever faced them as a unified army, they would be unstoppable.

That's not great.

As I have said, I carry Urt within me. I carry with me the core values of our people. Knowledge, curiosity, respect.

I think those are good things to be working with.

Have you in your travels ever had to sacrifice your values for reasons you found to be important?

Well, I don't think I can think of something off the top of my head, but I'm sure I've had to. I think everyone does.

I've been able to avoid such compromises thus far

And you're worried that you may have to compromise something you believe?

I am

Rune, I think it's important to know what you believe It sounds like it's served you well, but there are very few things that are true no matter where you go Very few things

As I have mentioned before, it is against our values to violate another being, including their technologies that are an extension of their personhood.

I remember.

That being said, if I can forcibly access the systems of this oppressive regime that controls the Cryptessia system, I believe I may be able to deactivate their technology. I can disarm them. All of them. There's something humorous.

Oh, fucking Earth.

All right, let's check out our new location and figure out how we're going to do this. Of course. Well, at least this is familiar.

M reports that the nearby city has an approximate population of 80,000 with technological levels equal to that of the late industrial early information age on Earth.

What is that, like late 70s, early 80s?

Approximately.

Okay. So, tell me about this plan of yours.

There's a high risk factor involved. It will require complicated scans of the enemy's technological environment. M will need to be in close proximity to one of the soldiers for an indeterminate amount of time.

We need to kidnap one of them?

No. In taking one of them forcibly, there is the danger of them using their teleportation capabilities. I think it best that our maneuvers be clandestine in nature.

So, we're going to have to do some spy shit, basically.

For the highest probability of success. Spy shit.

Okay.

Okay, let's go loop in the others. Gloria, this is Kazi. Don't be alarmed. Remember that before we parted, I installed an implant in your head. Whoa. Hang on.

Is everything all right? Kazi! I'm sorry?

Hang on. Tita has briefed me on your arrival, and I believe we have your signal now. I'm sorry if this is overwhelming, but I have a large amount of information to give you. Please get something to write with. Oh, shit. Inside.

Is something wrong?

Pen? Who's got a pen? Gloria, what's wrong? Kazi, in my head. Oh, shit.

Pen?

What's going on?

Here. Thank you. Here's the current state of things. Both Casper and Ava have returned to Cryptessia. Great! Still no sign of Leif. Damn! Casper is with us now. Unfortunately, Ava has somehow wound up back in Kroc's castle. God damn it, Ava! That's turned out to be fortuitous because she was able to transmit a message to us. The news is not good. Fantastic. Kroc has been developing a weapon. A weapon capable of destroying the diner. Fantastic. He was about to fire this weapon, but then the targeting became confused. We believe the targeting was confused because of Casper. Casper apparently has on his person some sort of device that mimics the signal of the diner. The space pager. They're unaware of the existence of this device. They think the error is on their end. This seems to have bought us some time. Time is good. But we don't know how much time. Of course. This all means it is time for us to make our move on Kroc. It is now or never.

Oh, shit. What? Kasi's making her move on Kroc.

Oh, God. I hear you have an ERT with you. That's excellent news. Write this down. 1-0-1-1-0-0-0-1-0-1-0-1. Give this code to the ERT. Tell him to scan for a frequency with this identifier.

1-0-0-1. Voon? Yes. This code. She says to scan for a frequency with this identifier.

One moment.

Tell him to ask to be connected to High Command. Ask to be connected to High Command.

I shall.

These next few days will be crucial. On one side of the galaxy, I'll be consolidating our forces for the assault on Croc's homeworld, while you will be distracting them on the other side.

Greetings. I am Voon, Sorcerer ID 5850 Trinary. Please connect me with High Command.

This is not at all how I wanted to do this. I needed more time. Luckily, with Midnight Burger involved, I have an ace or two up my sleeve. The Earth has made contact. I'm switching over. Greetings, Sorcerer. My name is Kazi. Thank you for making contact.

Of course.

Can you connect me with the rest of the group, please?

I can. Could everyone activate your comm dots, please?

My what? It's the thing we put behind your ear. Oh, got it.

We are connected.

Who am I speaking with? Kazi, it's me, Fiona, Voon, and Phil.

Hello, everyone. Fiona. I'm glad to see you're safe. Right back atcha. As Gloria will tell you, we are in an urgent phase of the war right now. We are being forced to move before we're ready, but there is a plan. To buy us some time, we'll be running interference to keep the enemy confused.

How are you running interference?

It's a plan that has unfortunately been named Operation Rodeo Clown. Casper and David will be constantly moving around the system, sending the diner's signal from as many places as possible. They will do this using a very odd friend of his.

Odd friend?

They've insisted they stop by to say hello, but they'll only have a few seconds.

What do you mean by stop by?

They'll arrive in the parking lot any second now.

The parking lot?

I don't see anyone. There are no inbound ships.

They won't be in a ship.

What will they... Whoa! Oh, Jesus, I'm still not used to it. Hey! Oh, my God! Gloria! David! Hello! X? Oh, my God! Okay, we can only stay a few seconds. Okay. I'm alive!

You're alive!

Did you hear about Ava?

Yes.

I am going to kill her. I know. Girl. David! Look at you!

Look at you, space cowboy!

How do you like the cube?

What is it?

I have no idea.

Hi, guys. I'm X.

What's up? Pardon me. Are you an android? Kind of. May I scan you for relevant technologies?

You can give it a shot.

No time for scanning. We've got to go. Okay.

I love you. You're amazing.

I love you. You're amazing. Okay.

I'll see you after the war. I want to hear everything. Hi, Fiona. Okay. Hi. We have to go. Okay. I can't believe this works. I know. Okay. We're just going to crisscross the system and try and stir up as much trouble as we can. You guys stay safe.

Good luck. Crookston!

What the fuck was that? What a fascinating transportation device.

Who was the girl? Those were my friends. They fly around in a cube? I guess they do now.

Now that's done, this phase of the plan has gone into motion. There's nothing for you to do at the moment but to stay safe. Now that you're connected to my network, I can keep you updated.

Actually, Kazi, Voon's working on something over here. I think we might need to risk going into a nearby city. Working on something? What are we working on? I think Voon may be able to give us an edge. Really? Tell me more.

I am uploading our proposed course of action to your network.

Well, that's a nice change of pace. Nice to be working with someone so organized.

I return your sentiment.

I'll have a look at your proposal. Gloria, good luck.

You too. What kind of trouble are we getting into?

What are we even talking about? Y'all, Voon has a plan.

Hey, hey, enough already. I'm not a carry-on.

You will wait here till he arrives.

Your voice still sounds stupid in that mask. You will wait here. I bet you sound like Truman Capote under there. Asshats! Where's my cat?

Good morning, Doctor.

What's with the rough trade from the Bonehead Brigade?

You've been a bit too adventurous in your wanderings about the castle.

I'm a curious person. Is this thing on? Kazi, listen closely. It's all bullshit. Very rude of you to listen to my private phone calls.

You're only here due to my benevolence, Doctor.

That's not true.

Is it not?

No. I'm here because you like me.

I was enjoying your company until he decided to use my daughter as part of your machinations.

Machinations? Croc, come on. Look around. This whole castle is the Super Bowl of machinations. I can't join in.

Enough.

so how did happen how did what happen how did you go from being a space god to whatever it is you are now yes i've figured it out every power you've exhibited thus far doesn't come from you It comes from something invented by that brilliant daughter of yours you keep locked in the tower.

You're so sure that's what occurred?

Yes, Kroc. I am sure.

You've seen very little to prove this theory of yours. How are you so confident?

You're at war.

I am.

If I had mastery over reality the way you claim to, I wouldn't be at war with anyone. I'd already rule the whole fucking place. So why don't you? It's kind of funny when you think about it. You display a little bit of power, and you carry yourself with enough confidence, and people will make all sorts of exaggerations about who you are. Look at all your little boy scouts running around this castle. They're all terrified of you. But in the end, you're not that much different from them, are you?

I am exceedingly different from them.

And then I started thinking about gods, right? The idea of a god. Someone who can shape reality with only the power of their will.

And I have to say, the math just doesn't add up. Shaping reality to your will, that would cost a lot of energy. And that energy has got to come from somewhere. All energy comes from somewhere. I'm just riffing in my head right now, but by my calculations, the energy required to shape reality to your will would actually be more energy than is contained in this universe.

I see. You think I'm a fraud.

Not exactly. I don't think you're entirely full of shit. I think you were there at the beginning of the universe. I believe that part. I believe that at the beginning, you probably were as powerful as you say you are now. But something happened. Something changed. And that made more sense to me. Like a star, at first incredibly powerful, losing energy over time. Even Clementine had her limits. We saw that she was drawing energy from... oh it was clementine wasn't it that's what did you in you put everything you had left into her in the hopes that she would get rid of us all How close am I? This mind of mine is capable of a lot of things, Kroc. One of those things? Cognitive dissonance. Holding two opposing ideas in my head at the same time. I am able to sit here at this table and say that you are a despotic shithead who deserves everything that's coming to you. I can also sit here at this table and say I kind of like you, Croc. You've got a dry sense of humor, and you own a castle. How about for the first time since the beginning of the universe, you actually talk to someone?

The more you love a thing, the less control you have over it. Poetically, the more you love a thing, the more you want to control it. I had come to love this universe. And the more I grew to love it, the faster it slipped from my hands And in the far distance, I could see its imminent destruction I wished to stop it And my power to prevent that destruction waned with every moment that passed

So, you did all this?

There's a delightful little story from your planet. A story of Adam and Eve, two innocents from which all of humanity spawned. When they ate of the Tree of Knowledge, your guard became angry and flung them from the garden, which, I must say, is rather petulant. An entire garden, and you expect people to not eat the fruit. But I digress. Imagine in that garden there was not one forbidden tree, but two. The tree of knowledge and the tree of immortality. And if you ate of both, you would have both knowledge and immortality. What does it make you to have both knowledge and immortality?

A god.

Yes. Given a long enough timeline, immortality and knowledge leads you to godhood. Though my power had faded over time, I still had immortality. And all I needed was a long enough timeline to return myself to the power I once had. I just needed enough time.

And there were a whole lot of diners and movie theaters and shitty bars swirling around the multiverse, speeding everything up.

Correct. If I couldn't stop you, I wouldn't have enough time.

So you create Clementine.

With the last shred of power I had left, I created Clementine. And she worked brilliantly again and again and again. Until along came you and your friends. I am many things, Doctor. I have been called many things. But above all, I am simply a man that needs more time.

Croc, what is the easier thing to do? Spending all of this energy and creating all of this misery in the off-chance that you'll be able to save the universe? Or learning to accept that everything comes to an end?

I wish I was simply a despot, Doctor. I wish I was the villain you see me as. I wish it was so simple I truly wish it I truly wish it was a simple matter of me coming to terms with mortality but I'm afraid it's not so simple there are worse things than I out there in the darkness Much worse things, indeed

What things?

I've learned not to speak of them

I see A lot of people think that a scientist begins their life with curiosity That's not how I began my life I began my life with an admission. I admitted to myself that there are very few things in life that I am in control of. Frighteningly few things. Once I admitted that to myself, I was able to dedicate the rest of my life to figuring out why the fuck that is. Why am I given the power to observe the world, but never affect it? It's been a good life, and it all began with that admission. The universe played a very dirty trick on you, Kroc. It convinced you that you could change it. But it's even bigger than you. And you still won't admit it. The oligarch's blues.

Due to your adventurous nature, I'll need to confine you to your quarters for the remainder of this conflict.

Fine. Where's my fucking cat? A plastic elastic!

We'll be right back. There's an old train, winding o'er the prairie, to that old girl of mine. You better not run out of batteries.

Casper?

Labusa?

hi hey kiddo how are you doing i'm okay i was um doing a lot of work with the vis tech and when i stopped to rest everyone told me you were back i'm back i can't believe it said the woman who can predict the future i'm a little preoccupied these days yeah

I heard. Effie told me you were hooked up to a bunch of tubes and shit.

It's a constant vigil.

I'm sure you can imagine how I feel about all that.

Unfortunately, it's necessary.

If you say so. That doesn't mean I'm going to like the idea.

They told me you would come back with a very interesting friend.

She is very interesting, my friend. She's indestructible, and she can travel through space and time.

Okay.

She was created by my ex-wife in another universe. For a while, she was my enemy, but then she spent several decades at the bottom of a river in Kentucky, and now she's my dear friend.

How do these things happen to you?

I've been saying that for like 150 years. Where are you right now?

I'm on my ship.

You get a whole ship just for you, huh?

We have to dedicate an entire ship to the Vistek because of the power demands.

Okay. Abuzu, you sound really tired.

I am. But it's not like someone else can do this. The Vistek has kept us out of a lot of trouble. Not all of the trouble, but a lot of it.

You know, props to you for making a terrifying machine that can predict the future, but honestly, I hate all of this for you.

It's important work.

Labusa, I don't care. You're a kid.

Okay, again, I am so much older than you.

care about that either. Did you ever have a period of your life when you were a kid?

Was I ever younger? Yes. I wasn't born at this age.

No, I mean, did you ever, like, shake up a can of Coke and then hand it to your friend and they open it and it explodes and they're like, no, and you're like, ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

No, I've never done that. That sounds mean.

Of course it's mean. Kids are mean.

Casper, I'm not sure what you're getting at.

Were you ever a kid? Ever? I imagine you were some sort of brainiac genius ever since you were a child, right?

I suppose.

Well, I guess I still see you as a kid because you were never allowed to be a kid. You never passed through it. I just want you to have a skateboard or something.

A skateboard?

Yeah.

Okay. I'll put it on the list of things to do after the war.

Okay. Make that a long list, okay?

How are you doing?

Well, we are currently on one of the many Earths in this galaxy, and X and David are inside some dance club. A dance club? Dan-sisted. We're trying to jump every three hours. They wanted to stop for a minute and have some fun.

Why aren't you inside the dance club?

Oh, I think you know the answer to that question, Labuza.

But how are you doing? I'm assuming you heard about Ava.

I heard about Ava.

Are you okay?

I don't want to talk about it.

She's given us a lot of really important information.

I'm sure that's true, but it doesn't matter because I don't want to talk about it.

It was very brave of her.

Lusa, she didn't go there to be brave. She went there because she's whatever the word is for her.

It sounds like you're taking it personally.

I can't possibly take it personally because I don't want to talk about it, Labusa. We were supposed to go on vacation.

Vacation?

Yes.

How would that work exactly? I don't know.

Words were said. I don't want to talk about it.

Okay.

We need to get through this war. Then I can go on vacation and you can be a kid.

What's it like? Being a kid?

Being a kid is a time in your life when you do a lot of stupid things and date the wrong people and maybe you crash a car or something. And you always look back on that period of your life and think, Hey, thank God that's over. but even so, it's still a tragedy when that part of your life is taken from you.

Well, as you're zipping around the galaxy, see if you can find me a skateboard.

I'm literally going to do that.

Hello?

Hey, over here. It's so much fun in there. I'm glad you're enjoying yourself. Who are you talking to? Labusa's calling me.

Really? I want to say hi. Go ahead.

X?

Hi. Oh, my God.

X, don't scare people.

It's fine. Hi. I'm X. I'm Labuza. Hi. It's so great to meet you. Casper thinks about you all the time. Does he? Yes. Casper, did you tell her the thing about how you worry that she never had the chance to have a childhood?

I did. Thank you.

Are you sure?

Yes, I am sure. would you get back here please you're freaking people out hang on listen now that we're back

everything's going to be fine this is going to be a piece of cake okay a piece of cake you're leaving me vulnerable on the hostile alien planet you're fine it's not that hostile we were just at a dance club have you been to a dance club they're so fun thanks okay it's so great to meet you, Labuza. You too. This room is wild, by the way. Okay, bye. Okay, I'm back. Relax. I feel so

much safer. Anyway, that's X. That was very disorienting. You get used to it. I imagine we

should hit the road. We need to keep moving out here. Okay. Take care of yourself, kiddo. I'll see you at the victory party. Okay. Where's David? He's still inside. What's he doing in there?

Uh, he's a young man in a dance club full of young people. You really want me to answer that question?

Never mind.

Oh. Mmm. Labuza asked you about Ava, and now you're a little cranky, parents.

I don't want to talk about it.

And when I'm around, you don't have to. Get out of my head. You like it when I'm in there. No, I don't. Just a little bit. X. A little bit.

Oh!

You just had a thought.

Yeah.

Ava's at the castle.

Yeah.

We're zipping around the galaxy.

Why not go get her?

Why not go get her?

Zip in, zip out. It would take less than a minute. Yeah. No. No? Huh. What?

I can't go there.

To Croc's castle? Yeah. Why not?

I don't know. It's like it's not there. But it is there. I know. I can see it in your head. What the fuck is that about? I don't know.

Shit.

Good guys or bad guys? Bad guys, I'm assuming. Hey, guys, welcome to the club. Can I see your IDs, please? Do not move or we'll be forced to shoot you. Okay, did you hear that, X? Don't move.

Got it. What the fuck? Where did she go?

Holy shit.

Uh-oh. Have you guys been skipping your oil changes, big boo-boo? What's happening? Uh, X, the ship is falling towards the warehouse. Can you drift a little closer to the river there? X, X, X, oh! Well, well, it's a shitty part of town. It was probably abandoned, right? I hope you guys didn't leave any of your stuff in there. You should never leave your vehicle unattended without removing your personal belongings. Guys, here's how this is going to work. She just destroyed your ship because she felt like it. How do you think it's going to go if you try and shoot us? Who the fuck are you people? We run a diner. fun stuff yeah what's on fire see what happens you spend too much time in the club and life passes you by some bad guys showed up and x did a whole thing these guys are cream pefs oh sorry i missed it we should probably get going though they know we're here all right

This place is dead anyway.

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Fiona, what's your status?

Hey, Kazi. We've got the plan in place. I'm making my way downtown to meet Phil.

You've located their base?

Yeah, apparently it's hidden underneath a subway.

It's under a train?

No, not an actual subway. It's a sandwich place called Subway.

That's confusing. What's the plan?

I get into the back room, block their communications, then Gloria moves in.

Good. You seem to have brought a good group of people with you.

Yeah, they're great. We've been through a lot together.

I wanted to mention, before we get too deep into this, Tita tells me that you've been gone for some time.

Yeah, eight years.

I see. After all this is over, I'd like to do some tests on you, if you don't mind.

Okay.

We have a lot of people under our care like you, Fiona. Their minds were altered, and I've had to reverse the effects. You're the only one who's been living with these alterations for an extended period of time. I'd like to see if there are any long-term effects.

Yeah, sure. It's not the first time you've had to root around in my brain. What's one more?

Good. Let's make a point of it.

Okay. Is that all you needed?

Yes. Just checking in. Anything else?

Um...

Fiona?

When I first got here, I was really scared. I didn't like being back here.

That's understandable.

And now, I'm walking down this street, and I'm...

You're angry.

Yes.

That's also understandable.

Like I can feel it in my body.

That's adrenaline.

I'm surrounded by people right now. All of them going to work, coming back from work. Across the street right now, there's a hair salon full of people getting their hair done. All of them are like me. All of them have been altered and fucked with to serve some purpose that has nothing to do with them. It all has to do with one powerful man that they'll never meet. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want to shake every single one of them. That, however, would not be a mission-critical act.

That anger is important, Fiona. You should be thankful for it.

Should I?

It means you're alive.

Okay. That's what I do with the anger. What do I do with the fear?

If you're dreading an approaching event, make plans for afterward.

Really?

Yes.

That's all?

Then the event you're dreading becomes one thing on a list. Take away its power in your mind.

So we're about to go to war with a space god, but that's okay, because drink's after?

Yes.

Wait, is that why you want to look at my brain after this is over? You're just trying to make me feel better?

No, Fiona. That was for me.

Oh.

Good luck.

Thank you. Okay, Gloria, I'm outside.

Okay. I just wait here at the back?

Yes. Phil and I will do a thing, and then I can get the door open.

It's a pretty big steel door out back. Are you going to take his keys or something?

No need. Sit tight. I'll be right there.

Okay.

So, let me ask you this. How many meatballs do you put in the large meatball sub? Three. Uh-huh. So, if I order the six-inch meatball sandwich, what do you do with the other half of the sandwich?

Well, we don't make the whole sandwich. We only make half of it.

Mm-hmm. And that's with 1.5 meatballs?

no if it's a six inch we just use two meatballs in the sandwich so what you're telling me is

if i get two six inches instead of one foot long did i get a whole other meatball out of the

equation yes but we really don't want people to do that oh my god this fucking day can you help me

i'm trying to find the train station and the map says to go down fifth street and i did that i went all the way down Fifth Street, and I'm not seeing anything. I'm not even hearing a train. Am I going the wrong way? Fifth Street? Can I take my backpack off? I've been carrying this thing around all over the city. I tried to read this guide on all the essential things to pack, and the guy who sold this thing to me was like, you can pack a week's worth of stuff in this one bag. And I was like, great, that's the one for me. And now I'm three weeks into my trip, and I'm beginning to think that maybe one week for a guy is not the same as one week for a woman. You know what I mean? Anyway, I am fucking lost. I think, and I really need your help. Is the train station on 5th Street, or am I imagining that?

Ma'am, there is no 5th Street downtown.

What? We don't have a 5th Street. Uh, excuse me.

Look, it's right here on the map. Ma'am, that's a map of New Haven, Connecticut. I know. This is Bloomington, Indiana.

Whoa. Hey. I have taken a wrong turn somewhere. You think? I'm gonna have to think about this. Guess so. Okay, can I order some food? I need to figure this out.

I need. I see. All right, I see how it is. What? Black guy in a wheelchair doesn't exist in a subway, I guess. I guess that's how it is. Sir! I'm so sorry, I didn't even think. Sir! This subway is racist. Oh my god. A black man doesn't exist in this subway. Oh, come on! Turns out racism is five dollars and a foot long.

Okay, Gloria, get ready. Do you guys name your little schemes like Casper and Leif do?

Phil calls this one fear of a black sandwich.

Nice.

Okay, Peter. Skeleton key.

Skeleton key.

Okay, Voon, I'm in the back.

Excellent. Place the jamming device in the east wall in the back of the establishment.

Okay. It's on.

Very good. They should sever any communications they may have with their homeworld. Their hideout appears to be directly underneath where you are currently standing.

Nice work, Peter. They're directly under us. Okay, there should be a secret stairway or something nearby, right? Should be.

Gloria, do you have my M unit?

I have your floating ball, Voon.

Hold the M above your head so that it may scan for anomalous technologies.

Okay.

Scan complete. Gloria, on the far wall there should be a calendar called 365 Days of Sandwich. I see it. There is a proximity lock behind that calendar. Hold M to the calendar and the door should reveal itself.

Okay. Hello? Shit, I'm gonna go run interference. Peter, sentry mode. Sentry mode.

Good luck. Gather round while I sing you of Werner von Braun. A man whose allegiance is ruled by expedience Call him a Nazi, he won't even frown Nazi schmatzy, says Werner von Braun I really don't have time to talk, boys I'm busy growing my hair long enough to reach Prince Charming all the way on the ground

Please take this animal

come here carl you know i can stay up here just fine but carl's not going to stand for it he will come to you in your

We've been instructed to search our premises.

That's a violation of my civil rights.

We don't know what that means.

Who does these days?

Please stand aside.

Fine. Don't say that he's hypocritical. Say rather that he's apolitical. Once the rockets are up, who cares where they come down? That's not my department, says Werner Von Braun.

What is this?

It's a gravy boat.

I must report this to the benefactor.

That's fine. But before you do that, would you mind shoving it up your butt? Why would I... Never mind. Get the fuck out of my room before Carl eats you. You two may be a big hero, once you've learned to count backwards to zero. In German and English, I know how to count down, and I'm learning Chinese, says Werner von Braun.

Homeworld, this is Bonto. Do you read me? Homeworld, this is Bonto. On Earth-122. Do you read me? What the hell? Homeworld, this is Bonto. If you can read me, I think my station is under attack. Please respond.

Hi.

Who are you?

I'm Gloria. I think you're looking for me.

I am?

Aren't you?

You're that lady from the diner.

That's me.

What are you doing here?

I'm here to surrender.

Surrender?

Yes. To me? To you. Why? Does it matter?

Is this a trap?

How successful do you think you'll be with that question? Why would I tell you if this was a trap?

Stand over there.

Okay.

Don't touch that horse, you. It'll hurt you.

Okay.

Homeworld, this is Bonto. Do you read me? Homeworld, this is Bonto on Earth-122. Do you read me?

Gloria, we have a good signal. Emma's working to analyze his technology. Remain calm, and I will inform you when the process is complete.

Your name is Bonto?

How did you know that?

You just said it into your communicator thing.

Oh, yes, that's my name.

It's a fun name.

I don't think I'm supposed to talk to you.

Okay. Thing is, there doesn't seem to be anyone else here. Is it just you here?

I can have more men here anytime I want.

I'm sure.

How are you on this planet?

Well, we tried to escape Croc's castle and that landed me here. And honestly, I'm kind of useless on my own, so I figured I gave it a shot and it didn't work out. May as well surrender. Big day for you, Bonto. You just captured somebody pretty important.

I didn't actually do anything.

Well, we could keep that between us. Whatever heroic story you want to tell, I'll be sure and back you up. Why are you being so nice to me?

I'm a nice person.

You're the enemy.

Says who?

Says everybody.

How do they know? What do you actually know about me?

I know that you're like us, but you come from far away, and you're trying to destroy us.

Why would we try and destroy you?

I don't know. You want to stop us from succeeding.

Succeeding at what?

Succeeding. I don't know.

It's okay. Back on my planet, I never really know what our leaders are doing either.

I know what we're doing.

Okay. I do. I believe you.

So is it really just you here? That sounds kind of lonely. I'm fine. What do you do for fun?

I watch TV.

Oh, yeah? What do you watch?

Whatever is on.

What's your favorite?

Alice.

Alice? Like with Mel's diner, Alice?

Yeah. okay it's funny it is funny i like it when the woman with the big hair says to kiss her grits

i like that too what part of the body is the grit oh it's not a body part it's uh Grits are ground-up corn.

Corn?

Yeah, it's called a euphemism.

Huh. They work at a diner on Alice.

They do.

Why doesn't their diner attack people like yours does?

Bonto, our diner doesn't attack people.

Our people have been attacked there.

Who attacked who, Bonto?

Homeworld, this is Bonto, here on Earth-122. Do you read me? Gloria, I've been able to access his weapon systems. I am quietly shutting down his offensive and defensive capabilities. Would you like me to deactivate the force field?

Give me some time, Boone. I shall. Hey, Bonto. You're in a unique position right now. Here I am. I'm the enemy. You can ask me anything you want. Anything you want to know?

Do you know about square dancing?

Square dancing? Sure. I've never done it myself, but I've done El Caballo Dorado, kind of the same thing. What is that? It's this dance that everyone does at parties. Anytime there's a birthday or a quinceañera, they start playing this song and everybody has to dance to it.

Why do they force you to dance?

They don't force you to, but there's always somebody there at the party who will shame you into dancing.

Everyone does this.

No, not everyone. Just where I'm from.

Where are you from?

I'm from a place called Phoenix.

Phoenix?

Yeah.

Alice isn't Phoenix.

Oh, right. Yeah, it is.

Phoenix is real?

Phoenix is real.

On Alice. I've never seen them do this dance.

Right. Well, there are a lot of different types of people on my planet. And different types of people do different types of things. We have different traditions.

That sounds confusing.

It can be, sure. meeting someone new you never know what to expect but that's part of the fun

why is why is that fun for there to be so many different types of people

it's fun because because when you spend time with someone who's different from you

It makes you see parts of yourself in a different light. You get to know yourself better when you see how other people live. Sometimes it makes you grateful for what you have. Sometimes it makes you realize you could have more. Mostly it makes you realize that the world isn't just you. That the world is wide. And while you've been spending your whole life trying to find the right way to be, You talk to other people and you realize there is no right way to be. There's a million different ways to be right. But then in the middle of all this difference, you suddenly spot something familiar. Something that feels like you. So there you are, looking at someone completely different from you. and you see yourself. The world gets bigger and smaller at the same time. And that, I would like that. Banto, I want you to choose to do something for me.

What?

I want you to put your gun down. I want you to turn off this force field. And I want you to come meet some people who are very different from you. I think you need to. Who are they? They're different. But they're just like you.

Okay, I'm back. I'm confined to my room. I'm not confined to my room. Let's find some consistency here on Mount Evil, Croc.

Explain this, please. Calling for immediate backup. We don't know how they got in. They just appeared out of nowhere. Hey!

No calling for help? That's cheating.

I'm happy to see you're entertained. Who is this woman?

Well, that, Croc, is a small preview of your future ass-whooping.

Oh, really?

Yes. I can't wait for you to meet her.

Who is she?

Don't worry about it.

Doctor?

Hey, you lock me in the tower and then you expect me to help you? No way, dude. I tried to help you this whole time. I tried to help you give up this ridiculous plan of yours, but you won't listen to me. My work here is done.

You tried to help me by alerting your friends to my vulnerabilities.

Yes, but I think we can both agree that was for your own good.

Enough, Doctor. Perhaps you are here to help. This is all that I needed. This little device you've been hiding from me is all Jazinka will need to make our weapon functional. The downfall of your friends was hiding in your pocket this entire time. Within the hour, Midnight Burger shall reach the end of its travels. Thank you for your assistance.

Croc, do you know what a snow globe is?

Do I want to know what it is?

You do. It's a stupid little thing. It's a globe, and it's got a little Statue of Liberty in there or something, and some fake snowflakes, and a bunch of water. You shake it up, and ooh, it's a snowstorm. Right? You can only fit so much water inside the snow globe. If you try to force more water into the snow globe than the snow globe can handle, the snow globe will crack and shatter. You're with me, right?

Unfortunately.

Somehow Jazinka has figured out how to harvest energy from vacuum fluctuations, adding more and more energy to the universe. More and more water being added to the snow globe. This universe that you're trying to save, You're going to destroy it with that big gun of yours.

I don't believe the universe is so fragile, Doctor.

It doesn't matter what you believe. Every time you fire...

that gun, you're running the risk of a cosmic imbalance. A cascading effect that could ripple through the universe, destroying everything. How convenient. The weapon that will win this war,

for me, is the one thing you wish me to avoid. Do you really think me so stupid? Croc? Let us speed this confrontation to its inexorable end, shall we? Here they are. New energy. She's discovered a way to harvest it, contain it within these spheres, and then weaponize it. This will be how I am finally rid of you all. The only thing that will be destroyed is any hope of your compatriot's success. You wish to communicate to my daughters that I am a shell of a man That I am no longer what I once was How did you artfully put it? It's all bullshit I believed you described me as a star Once burning bright, now fading into nothing But there is another phase in the life of a star, isn't there, Doctor? A star begins as a beacon in the darkness, and then, later in life, becomes the darkness itself.

I may not have power on my own, but I am an excellent repository for it. With this new energy, I am reborn. You there, what is your name? Ran. Goodbye, Ran. You have overplayed your hand, Doctor. Your warning has only led them into a trap. Now I will destroy them all.

Folks, it's the bottom of the ninth, and the bases are loaded. You can cut the tension with a knife here in the stadium, even though it's the offseason and the stadium is completely abandoned. Coming up to the plate is X. X comes to us from San Francisco. She was formerly a psychotic robot chasing me around the multiverse, and before that was literally just a pile of sand.

Silicates aren't sand!

It's a beautiful day here at whatever this stadium is. X is in the batter's box now. She's got a steely look in her eye. Now here's the bitch.

Aren't you supposed to throw this at me?

Well, I would, but we accidentally crushed the pitcher's mound with the cue. Also, he can't throw. There's also that. Just toss the ball up and swing away.

Okay.

Here's the pitch. Oh, she really tattooed that one. It's going. It's going. It's still going. The ball is still going. It's not coming down. It's okay. The ball is in space now. That was fun. Who's next? No athletics, please. I would get up there and put you to shame, but I'm busy doing the color commentary.

Hey, David, you know what I was thinking?

What?

Well, Philomena is kind of the closest thing I have to a mom, which kind of means... Oh, dear. ...that I'm kind of your sister. That's so terrifying.

Why? Yeah, why? Just because she can show up randomly at any moment without any respect to your personal space and start reading your mind? I would never do that, David. She's done that to me many, many times. You love it. My life happened to be in danger at the time, so I guess I do kind of love it. But hey, speaking of your mom, she says hello. My super genius mom? Yes. Okay.

It's so weird to think of her as the smartest woman on the planet when the last time we spoke, I had to walk her through what an Instagram story was. I know. But I'm sure somewhere out there is the super genius version of me.

Casper, I've met millions of versions of you and none of them were super geniuses. Just saying.

Completely uncalled for. Hey, you should tell David about the art opening. The what? Oh, yeah. So the other David was showing his stuff at a gallery opening in Baltimore.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. Pretty cool, right? I am just thriving in every timeline.

It's true.

But hey, family meeting.

How are you doing?

What do you mean?

I mean, you've been out here for a while. You had to leave everything behind. How are you feeling?

Good. Yeah? Yeah. The ex was telling me you gave her a little speech one time about things having meaning. I did? Yeah, on the Ted home world. Right. Yes. Leafs on. Which, by the way, where was this wisdom in my youth? I got none of that from you as a child. Okay, in my defense, I had several decades trapped in a diner to develop that wisdom. Anyway, thinking back on Los Angeles, so many people. Maybe most people walk around all day and nothing means anything. There's no meaning to it at all. They don't have to be out here fighting evil or something, but there has to be meaning to it, right? Some sort of purpose. It can't just be making it to the next day. I don't know, David.

I think for some people, making it to the next day is pretty fucking meaningful. It depends on who you are. Who you are is the person who needs something more than that. You need to go out there and face it. That's who you are. That's how it's meaningful for you. For the longest time, making it to the end of the day was a monumental feat for me. It meant a lot. Mainly because I didn't see the point of doing it, but I kept doing it. I kept doing it until it meant something. Not everybody has to fight croc the propagator. They just have to get out of bed in the morning, and that means a lot to them.

Exactly. That right there. Where was that wisdom? Okay, I just told you... Casper. What's up?

We're detecting an imminent volley of energy from the home world.

Is it the gun? I thought they didn't know how to use the big gun.

They must have figured something out. Change your location immediately.

Oh, shit. Let's go. Everybody into the cube. Let's go. how much time do we have we don't know yet let's go where am i going anywhere just uh put us in deep space hang on okay kazzy we've changed locations it hasn't fired yet what do we do if it fires okay if it fires at us we wait here for a minute and then move before it hits us and

if it doesn't fire at us? Kazi?

He's fired the weapon.

And?

There's a single beam of massive energy headed for the diner.

Shit. I thought they couldn't do that.

How much time do we have? Roughly a minute.

What? We have to warn them. Kazi.

I don't think I should do that, David.

Why?

There's nowhere for them to hide. This amount of energy being released, it'll destabilize the whole planet. There's nowhere they could shelter themselves.

We can't just sit here.

I'm sorry, David.

Dad. Come on, where's some of that wisdom I was talking about? Dad!

Okay, you want wisdom? Yeah. It's no good living your life as the person who watched it happen.

Okay.

Okay. Yeah. The cube is made of the same stuff you're made of, right? Yes. How indestructible are you?

I don't know.

Put us in the path of the gun.

Hang on. Okay. Here it comes.

Jesus Christ. Holy shit. Give me your hands. I love you guys. Fermions and Bosons. Walk me and tenderly, Jesus is calling, Thanks for listening to Midnight Burger, y'all.

Be sure and tune in this time next month for more adventures in the vastness.

And if time and tide roil you too harshly, or diurnal courses leave you with no safe havens, Just remember, we're out there somewhere looking for you.

We open at six.

Midnight Burger is brought to you in part by our Monte Cristo level and above supporters. Pronghorn, Billy, Bert Bert, Bethany, Second Bethany, a fan of Casper's character development. Would you, could you with a mouse? Kathy B, Rachel Neal, Moses Ramirez, CJ, Dominic Alvord, Chris, April Zitkovich, Megan A. Coppock, The Creature, Rusty Satellite, Alk and White Owl, Jason Pye, Patrick Smith, Burger Corps, His Royal Highness Prince Puppenheimer McStinkerpants, heir to the Three-Ply Empire, Owen the Orgasmic Ostrich from Oldham, Bad Egg, Bran with the Pants that Dance, June is my Spirit Animal, Maple and Cronus, Benign Alien, Orion, Dilbert Weed, Medally71 Reluctant Dave Scarlet Leopard Bebo is not wrong They are just waiting until they are right Mimsy Spitboy the spit guy He spits Demon Knight 016 Honey Cooper Brookie aka Dances with Cats Mad Maddox The Sorcerer Sanguine says Brain Demons is an anagram of Brandon is me Gabriel Strife is brought to you by Charlotte Brown, Gary Gygax and the number 42 Gabriela, the Jasmic one and introducing Recy Pontiff as the 81st Doctor. A plus K. Bakus is on the loose. Corey and Stephanie celebrate 20 years of marriage. Sidron. Damn it, Derek. David Kiesler of the Cornville Kieslers. Elidia the Podcast Junkie. Inayad. Forgive me, Joe. I have sinned. No. Garfunkel. Happily divorced Heather looking for a lady lover. Have you fed your Neopets? I want a clockwork Mungo. If I ever go missing, blame the magpies, Revelane. James Harlow is the crustiest vato I ever witnessed. Just some guy from Adelaide named Ryan is now back after Patreon had reset their name. Kashak the Lizard Wizard casts Jabootigate. Mission Control banned me from fucking aliens. One Polar Cat. Ha ha ha ha. Two Polar Cat. Ha ha ha ha. Patty the Ginger and his Bethany slaying Ginger Army. Positive Buzz Network. Shamelessly dodging my responsibilities. Sigmar sends his blessings to the Midnight Burger, Storyteller, USS Shag at Sea, Volpe the Space Fox is overjoyed hearing their name pronounced correctly on the first try, who do you think you are, I am, Zach the Wayfaring Cryptozoologist, Alphonse, first of the MOCs, Lord of the Eight Stud, High Steward of the Black Separator, member of the Ancient Brick Collegium, Cause it don't change my number, 8-6-7-5-3-0-9. The Snuggle Bunny by Boomhauer Weapons. So smooth and easy to use, you'll want to sleep with it. Boomhauer, for those who want to be rich the easy way. Bunches McGinty and her pack of rescued demon dogs. Bee Elzebub, Lucy Furr, and Abby Normal, if you want to know.

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Troy Pugsley, Andrew Payer, Gothsquatch, Quellor the Liberator, Big J Rock, Stuart Lynn, Orb, Logan Fullerton, Kulva Gouvno, Rhonda Menard, Dear Ted Empire, Your Code Sucks, Have a Sandwich Needs to Be a T-Shirt as an Anti-AI Battle Cry, Ava's Dying Pet Cactus, Dark Dream 95, Socialist Queers for Jesus, Taku, DJ, Harrison Sally, Lila Lost, Spooky 904, GART, Eden Gavin, The World Needs More Junes, Big Bunging Bernie Sanders Approved Beyond Burger, Leif's Third Doomsday Device, Ducky the Therapy Dog, Shane Snoke is a goofy enough name all by itself. The Bears are joining the Bethany War against the Bethany's bearing arms for the Big Foots on behalf of Bigfoot Benny and the Bigfoot Jets. A steak? Avalon, Drought Breaker, A Goddamn Harpoon, Pickle Pancakes, Charlie DeLambert, Miss Chris Still Making Sandwiches, Michael Card, Raven the Neccoqueen, Spike Osorio, Benjamin Davis, Twyla Sands, Alexandra Scaldone, Curtis Barnes, The Huak, Shenzo, Chris the Monster, Persephone Wattacore, Time Traveling Dimension Spanning Goose Named Fig, Silinzer, Crisara, Fernando Alacuzzi, Wad of Gore, Not That Keith, Jordan Lawley, Some Fucking Swamp Wizard, Skeksis, royal punk trisha schaefer says ew david that is not a taco zico udon 96 ren the no latimer love lock of the lacy ladies lovely luxuries jesum crow and the holy cow tanya fisher rainbow goth unicorn rain go corn our lady of crab walking known nomad the human space viking celestial crow Gavin Dees, Gavin Saylor, Nifta Princess and her Aunt Seuss Honey and Ember, Googles Galad, The Forgotten Storyteller, Mr. Woo- I, Joe Fisher, being of sound mind and acting of my own free will, do hereby confess that I am the Zodiac Killer. Jared Kosu, Leon Sporkfire, Pastor Jen Jensen, The Dick Wizard, Lou Woods. Chris Goyer, Noise Squared, Ginger Bear's Honey Bunny, and their sidekick Wicklow, the Mount Hood Torygate, Mrs. Cashew, Kat Roth Daniels, Julia Goulia of the Shreveport Goulias, Leopold Gogol, Alex Drumbar, Stoner Pubby, Elisa Kelly Martin, and System University of Mihira and New Tideland. Inateb thought that they could spy in the Bethany War by spelling their name backwards, but it isn't fooling anyone, everyone. Sub-Arctic Turtle, The Femboy Behind Casper, DocU018, Mark Kayab-Yab, My Two Favorite

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Ricklin, Like Rich Land but Without the D, Dyer, All Bethany's Must Do the Hustle, Jordy Ladbrad, Natasha Without Boris, Frost and Alice, Lobster Possum, A Mostly Morose Ghost Eating Toast, Hey, Leander. Love you, kiddo. Malort Boy. Jinx the Cat would like to offer you biscuits. Have a zesty day. Megan. Malcolm Edwards. Spend my money irresponsibly. Stephen Drop. Dana Thanielson, son of Dana Thaniel, or Danny for short. Chris Eaton. Cross Stitcher Who Loves the Hobby and Time Travel. Funchbrunglin. Nash Likes Apples. Pneumatic Yeti. The Eldritch Skyfozoa. Wyatt Fryhover. Paul. James Bell. Dave Davison. Broom Goddess. Ricky Burnett. that new guy da savage indian rad boy hayden brown jules weeks calf the generous patient rose john wilkes booth's freedom loving horse aka j willikers neck bone his imperial dudeness oh hey it's j grim off the internet wants harriet to know he loves her titan king 707 rich francis burger caspaspa no relation Thank you. Edai Shaolin, Smart Alec the Great, Gas Station Cryptid, Deus Kashuk, Bird Bird the Birds Bird, Cheesy McFish, Papa Goose, Sometimes I Do Feel Like a Plastic Bag, Amanda Bills, Misty Word Power, Casper's Danish Moose, Flacco aka Johnny R the Disco Spider, Leaf Tracks, The Rise of Leaf, Chapter 2, The Ted Slayer Unchained, Vicky Hebert, Pike Daniels the Cosmic Whale, Zansatsu, Mr. and Mrs. Van Limberlost, Murdoch Wang, Caterpillar Farmer, Chimera, Don Moat, the space trucker Chadwick Coden Doyle III, Jody Green, Monster Senshi, Michael Peters, political knitter, seasonal Sasquatch, silently seeks secret society so special souls softly sing sweet songs, smartly stirring strong stories. Physicist, Brendan Shoneman, I divided by zero and now I'm undefined, ah! Leif, the horse is here, Mag Tremor, Rod Stewart, the sailor slayer, James we met the listless enjoyer ash morningstar and her traveling animal shelter miss maxine boy got them honka honkers kevin o'malley invisible guerrilla the mrs poland zamaniac hop loves a thug bot named francis pam the infinite and thou curiosity is eating your bones revolutionary inclined ocelot matt haugler andrew bear marius de joa butterfly fox riot the tranny the fish did not acknowledge her. Irma the Llama, 27 Keep It Tight, Chip, Gloria's right-hand jack-in-the-box man, Giardin, Grim Knight, Pike Daniels the Whale, Anthosali's Bethany Maximus, Lord of Kingwood, Texas, Ragnar Jensen, Addison Weirdo Wagner, Shua the Druid is composting the rich for a salad bar, Araman 0305, Smoke Me a Kipper, I'll Be Back for Night Breakfast, Titus Kosloff, Ashes of a Burnt

out Leif. I'm a Kung Fu Panda on the Wind. Brandon AR equals Thor. I love you all, never forget that, especially in Trials, and Labuza's voice brightens my day. The Intergalactic House of Cats demand a free Palestine. Electromancer. Chekhov's Space Cannon. Corey Senses. Surf and Turf Telecoms. I'm a Djinn. Red and Dusty with his Garden Goddess. Shelby Morrison. Kobe's Dingleberry. Mystic Monster for Chaos. Ziggy Dreadful. Rave Hands Mally. G-Wing. Frank One. It is Sparks. Lost Girl Lou, Chris B, Middle American Penguin, Shanna Welch, Crocheted Cosmos, Andy the Celestial Penguin, Jackie Orion, Bo Nunley, Ariana Castillo, The Tall Deer That Portends Great Change, Lita Mettinger, Marco, Friend, as in Your Best, Lime Ghost, M, Icky Blurgs, Jay the Irascible, The Magic Committee, Committee of Anything Magical, Ian Full, 345 Uneducated Swine Learning to Swing Dance, Nova the fuck accountant is definitely not a tangle. Drewbert, captain of the SS Beefy Tits. Longtime Lurker, Scooter, The Unlucky Son, Jennifer Myers, Lady Lazarus, Donnie Darko, Tim Shin, Caitlin and CT's NeverEnding Podcast Adventures, Whisper Dan, Kyo the Panda Puppy Forklift Operator, Ruby Cherries, Nick Faye, Buttholan, Justin and Amy Triplett, Jen Sims, Penelope, Ring to the Motas, The Leathermans, Odd Commodity, Jen Before, Ander Ho, Leah Prime, Gregory Santoro, Mothmull, Not the Fucky Fried Chicken, Robert Drapeza, Dimension Spanning Time-Traveling Little Guy, Iono, Jonathan Tolbert, Mr. Put-It-On-06, Hedgehog Hen, Jackson Bell, Katie Chambers, Jay the Podcast Lover, Dick Rickles, Chapter President, damn glad to meet you, Malcolm Flynn, Samuel Lee, Josetron Prime, Oh My God I Forgot to Change My Name from Nicholas Beckler to Something More Cheeky and Fun, Arwen the Freer, Throatgoat666 I Am Your Father, Addie Slauson, Inconceivable Kai, Red Rum 916, Nick Waycaster, Gotham Still Fucked Up, Batman Really Ain't Doing Shit When You Think About It, No Good Monk, Rye, Yes, Like the Bread, Sarman Sayed, Jhonald Grimbus, Matt Knight Bushager, Gavin Morey, Damitri, Andromeda, Stephen the Choi, Gloria's Authentic Earth Coffee, Gabriel T, Can Someone Find Me the Parmesan,

I Did This For Fun, Cookie Nebu, Axel Zapata, Jason McDonald, Orianda, Bean Dino, Philip Linick, Hugh Jass, J2, Brian Montgomery, Artemis Record, Safa Aluzzi, Trev Brax, Gunner Tweedle, The Bard Without a Ballad or a Mallet, Nazo, Platform Jail Mechanism Burn Museum Theorist, Hold Please, KKow. Empress Squishy Face of Greater Catopia, Anna Garcia, Goblin King, Rays of Noop, Kiki's Best Friend Would Like to Go to Breakfast, Yegor Luce, Terry Cadds, Says Hello Ernesto, Leaf Tracks, The Rise of Leif, Chapter One, Loaf Tracks Retires, The Dishonorable Prodigal Ilam, Sculliver, Sam and Shane, Ahsoka Likes Hugs, Going Anonymous, V, Ma Dukes, Ooh Chickadee, Dango Dale, Esty, Not the Website, At every moment in every corner of every possible world, there is always a way home, and it's already found you. Joe Paolo Lemos, Odd Keep, The Sentient Lighthouse, The Faceless Old Bethany Who Secretly Lives in Your Home, D. Shane, Tanya Fisher, Appalachian Death Queen, Zosifer Doggo of Doom, Burnt Barbecue Beef Brisket, It's official, they're called Thigronis, Kevin Winans, Marlon C., Just Whelmed, Madame Perry, Cherish Hellfire's Hellish Chairfire, Lichen Lady, Midnight Club, Cameron Agnese West, Knox, Lisa Liu, Emmett Hale, The Triad's Baddest Goblin, Emory and Lano, James Miles, Browncoats Love the Diner, House Chaos of the Critter Cacophony, Max, Nia, Ivan, and Mark will see you at 6. Open, open, open. No, wait, never mind, just Mark. And, uh, we make the world. Minion Simone Mimi Davis, Gaia Turtle, Wayne Barahona, Jesse the Dragonrider, we will not rest until Puerto Rico and Palestine are free. Pluto Crow, Nissy's Mom, PokeSplort, Whiskey Rebellion and Gen Riot's Interdimensional Detective Agency, Zephyr Vitriol, Altreon, Shibu, and Griff, Slim Nandy, Goth Leif, Jen and Brit, Adriana Bartolomucci, Jonah is Gay, The Midnight Ashes, Hornetti, Balian Fair has retired and now raises herds of mungos. Hood's Pocket Protector. The artist formerly known as Unpaid Intern would like to congratulate Laid Heather on her divorce and is thinking of getting one herself. Valkyrie Storm, Patricia Who's Always Late but Somehow on Time, DC Squirrel, Kyle the Interstellar Highwomen, Shelly Act on the Verge, Gale Friend, Rubber Cake, Clover the Clown, The Sparky Tech, Prop the Croc-A-Gator, Ringleader Volt, Jazz Punker, Captain Tight Pants and the Companion, Renee N, Katarina de la Playa, RIP Eloise Waffles, The Floof Wrangler, Aki the Space Druid, Phantom Land TTRPG Dice, Kate Taplume, Your Local Blacksmith, Ash Montgomery, The Boggiest of Birches, Jason, HVAC Tech for the Diner's Deep Freeze, SK Phoenix, Glitch the Gamer Error, Zephyr, The Wefer Montgomery Foxworth, Mary Face, Luan Cherry, Peppermint Pearl,

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Burt Ruba, Your Most Benevolent Lord and Master of the Multiverse, Jeffrey George, Ellie, Don't Tariff Me Bro, Oopsie, Evelyn, The Wizard Mooses Holds Out Their Cat for You to Pet, Grimlor, Ginny Waboom, Errant Popsicle Stick, M Horowitz, Isle of Refuge, Jack Spider's Mom, Bubble Butt Bethany has Banana Breath, Llama Fresh, Jare the Benevolent Destroyer, Valtiel Heller, Sad Little Earth Monkey, Revan the Red Beard Wizard, Burt Burt and the Funky Bunch, High Viscosity Gender Fluid Slime, Bethany 2, Electric Boogaloo, Welcome to the Quan Pound, pen pen pen pen pen pen pen, Mr. Muchacho Kaiserschnitzel has successfully recruited Sarah Murphy's Cats for the Trouble Puffs Fight Club, the wolves in the deep freeze say, awoo! Sanctuary Moon's number two fans, Insane Clone Posse, Alice Lewis, Simply Amy Sue, I Pushed Her Because Joe Said So, Even Older Liz, McBearcat, Grack Pinfeather, Sitikin Druidic Scientist, Astro, Your Friendly Neighborhood Android, Moonlight Zombie Fox, Old Doc Recy, The Midnight Missionary, Out There Somewhere Looking For Ya, Rotten Ronnie Sleeps in Grandma Panties, Artist Dragonborn, Bigby Garage, Bill Zangana Lester, Joaquin Jimenez, Big MF Juice, The S.I.P., Muffins, Space Wives Are Officially Verge and Deidre, Chad Hatter, Cosmic Tea Maker of the Triads, Tell Your Cat, I Said, Banana Manaz, A Corgi Called Kibble, Cuddly Kraken, Sarge the Bard, Summinity, LL Cool Mint Jams, Travis... Roberticus, Ken Daddy, Leia Izadi, Millie Was Taken, Dead To Me 86, B Camp, Shanman Man Man, Karma Karma Chameleon, Kinran Says Hello, Zoe and Her Army of Mice, Briar Longlost, Daniel, Sammy the Baby Seal, Trixie Belle Dubois, Dr. Bootyologist the Glutes Doctor. Thank you for pressing too, your Anglophone Emotional Support Canadian request will be processed in the order in which it was received. Queen Surly Jess, RIP Lance McClain, You Would Have Loved Midnight Burger, Adam Toklove, Dr. Bitchcraft, Sassy Cat the Space Vixen, Claire Rock, Jekka, Eros Degad, The Size 2 Fish You've Been Looking For, Iokai, Borgia, Spiders Are Cuddly, The Main Immortal Pinball Sounds in the Diner, Cheel, Neal, Sin City Scuba Steve, Poliwog, Michaela White, Elena Pickle, Wilbur Winklewright, Wristwatch Wrangler of West Worcestershire, Riding Through the Desert on a Horse Named Patoon, Professor Thaddeus Snookums VIII, Mr. Grin, Glenn Petrovsky. This moment of silence so Joe can catch his breath is brought to you by Rick Tyler. Elizabeth Hammond, Steam Vision, conductor of the interdimensional time-spanning hype train. Dave Herold, Wise Cube, Bromine, pronounced bro, mine, main humdinga, Mother of Pearl, Fiona now owns Leif's 18-inch Peter, Seal Face, Rigor Mortis, Megan's Things, Things Megan Makes, Coilane, Trebek's Reject, Prophet of the God of the Mucklewains, Darth Ox, Michelle Kay,

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and it is concerning. Definitely not an android. Seriously, I'm not. The Wandering Welshman, Whatever Tabby, Carolyn Harper, Nikolai Tolkachev, Z3DT, Shy Sparrows, BLTN, The Kiwi Duckling, Dana Dana Bobena, Fifi Fofena, Monsters Almanac's biggest fan, Aubrey and her dad, Tequila Mockingbird, Swether Goose, Dameron the Space Goblin, I So Pale, Exquisite Whimsy, I am Lord Zoltan. Hear me roar. Pocket Ghost Max. Mags the Conqueror imposes economic sanctions on the NB Bethany's for the whole laser saw car incident. My cat's name is Beef. Katie Kate, get your colonoscopy. Victor Casados. Emily Schmemely. Boho go bye bye for Jojo Pogo. That's a no-go, bro. Cody Monster. Collided Mind. Miss Nixie. Baby Baton Lee. Charlie Rudel. Kyle Perino. AK. Sid the Sloth on a Bike. Priya Gandhi. The Wandering Mermaid would like you to know that The Little Mermaid and The Creature from the Black Lagoon are the same exact story. Lil Stevie Pie, Green Mountain Hermit Bethany, Carl, the Teller of Dad Jokes, Skylab's Multidimensional Multiphasic Intergalactic Quantum Cyberverse, Verde Soul, Galen Miller, Tess, Geriatric Youngun, Mystic Hippie, Unforkable, Local Marsh Hag, Daniel Nitz, Mavis Bacons, Pyro's Calling, Joe Suasion, The Wizard Supercalifragilistic Expialidocious. Too many jans, says. Things are bad, but we're going to win. Pamela Roselle Tierra. Then Steena says, Thud Tweed, Enigmatic Catbird, Countess of Carbon, Luminous Elk, Rhodian Caution, Love is for the Njerds. Taz Hernandez, Captain Crash and the surviving crew. It's just Tyson now. Casper needs all the hugs, but Joe needs an O2 tank. Quote says, Joe is the writer's room. Nasty Dog 74 needs crew for ship. Brown Coats, okay. Awkward Heretic, Devin7777, Troy Aker, Mandy Kane, Northerly Kay, Lost Bassan, you know, the moon prison outside the triad, Kim Sel, Silly Goose Honk Honk, Ad Matha, Astro Unit, Ghost Saberwolf, The Sleepy Mystic, Sarah Joy, Taters Precious, It's Just Steve, RuPaul Atreides, Amanda Short, Chut, Brimble, Deidre, Mike Whiskey and Your Friend Frosty, Nosaguaro, Ben Barr, stand clear of the closing doors, please. Beastly Death, Sven the Unlikely, Cognito Hazard Expunged, Ted Wassenasen, Virestria, Theosis the Theologian-ish. Why is my daughter so feral? Send help. Fernwood Gal, Nellie G, Twinkle Tots, Gemini Sky, Phantom's Moms, Callison, Hornswoglin Daniel Arthur. It's a, it's a fucking dog rapture. Abigail Yodley, hee-hoo. King Humble, we'd better ask Dave. Wind Chimes for Safety. Cameron Winterborn Welsh, Fireball XL5, Mackenzie Duna, Code Stranger, One Batty Bat, ha ha ha ha ha, Matt N., Alfie Rivenurum, Momo Nakiki, Frelp, M. Lynn, Feed My Fish, J.R.R. on SFP, J.Spark,

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my little. You'll always be my good girl. You took a piece of my heart and left a paw print on my soul. Till we meet again. Sir Shitsalot strikes again, damn animal. Ashton James, Elspeth, Skyland, ALR, Sidewalk Jam, Tonka 2005, Cruisin' B. Anthony, Trick says WHERP! Tibald the First, Allifrog, Trey the Turquoise Tortoise, Freya Titmittens, Courtney the Frogologist, the Funtucky Wrangler, Scrim Brulee, Yay, Aaron, the Singing Loon, Zuzanna, Celeste Yoss, I'm so Antigone fun. I'm Ava's evil twin sister, Bethany, Katie and Noah, Hendrix the Stink, The Ambergler, Boodles, Osvaldo Simeone, Ashley Chapel Peoples, Ryan Ortega, Barbarian Bloodbath, The Defenestration of Ted's, Corrine Sabrantha, Shadow Daddy, Rubius Fuzzlebutt, K-Mac, The Something Something Detective Agency, Hayabuda, Eli the Electrician, Sunny D'Anomaly, Charmé, K-On with Karma, The Wondrous Methasaphon, Hashtag Nissan Acura, Finnegan Robert, Jesse Foster, Samira, Mother of Cats, Flat Doug, Deary Darling, Ambient Drifting Man 80, Chris Hancock, Nicole 23, Gracefully Impaired, Tired Pirate Muffin, Steve King Loves Kathy, Laura, Roman Ronan, John Pruitt, Camel Pope, Philomena, Rebecca Trossel, Igpe Adenlay, Chris from Tacoma, The Real Fairy Godmother, Mitzi Liu, Kelsey Holm, still Casper's number one fan, but now armed with a quantum spatula and ready to duel every Bethany in the multiverse with breakfast wisdom. Damien the Goddamn Time Lawyer, Matt Mosby, Saint Foo, Harry Fishnuts, Astrono-Weeb, Magnos the Civil Gnome. Welcome, everybody. I'm Hydealon, and I'll be leading our Midnight Burger emotional support group. Starlight, David Pierini, Techno Ranger Rick, Virgo Ares Infinity, Best Buds Danny and M, Charles Q. Choi, A Bug Named Nat, Cece Ryder, Hunter B, Rudra, Death the Kid, Big Whiskey, All Cockinator, Ron Was Here, Magic Pony, Robert Oliveri, Often Wrong Dan, Jess Gioia, Killer Odd, Creator 67, Mermaid of the Dark Seas, Cosmic Shrug, Incorrigible Ross, SCRB Mark 11, Eric A. Raybourn, Maggie's Yarm, Stew, Anthanomaly, Megan Mighty, Haunt, Purple Saline, Three Legs Are Perfectly Good, Drew and L.A., Anomalous Death to PSL Vandal. Fuck Ice. Captain Blep. Ryan. Evie Power. Terry. PJ Says What? Amelia Lucero et al. Fear Now Doesn't Polish the Shiny Melon. Blargo, Blargo, Blargo. The Jazz Man. Tonight at 11. Lorac the Barbarian S. Hicks Bezzy Mates. Zealous Pragma. Tuba Rick. It's Just Blake. Alice Malice reminds you to take your medication, please. Your health is important. Kelly Jane Dankey, Aaron the Optimist, Thomas Stolen, a.k.a. Casper from Another Universe, Chadney Ashra, Lucrezia, Thornis Animator, Tamara Oliver, The Real Dirt Fairy, Marissa,

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joe there are still mormons out there it's the mormons that feel that way it's mormons that feel that way and i'm sure i'm sure other religions and stuff and you know some people just don't

like it well people need to lighten the fuck up don't they um okay i was gonna ask because

for some reason my initial read was like trans-dimensional delivery man like oh hot android what's up amazing

there's a whole world in that

line reading i love it no i mean that whole section because we're gonna go through that

oh she stays even though the cube goes yeah she stays even though the cube goes 31 this show's

so fucking weird dude what the fuck did you think i liked it a lot i thought okay yeah

i think it works great i was worried about you which i think is perfect okay great

yeah i mean that's that's why you hire speech kids it's a room full of people who can say

extra judicially hey that is so true nobody speaks faster than the fucking speech kids dude

we we have another leather we do red leather yellow leather lavender leather whoa that makes

it's harder. Oh, my God, you guys. Kazi's first feeling. Oh, no. Teach me your ways. How do you do that? By sitting in the car for like 20 minutes before going like, where's that voice? How does She speak everything articulately.

Yeah. But I got a, but I got a, but I got a, I did it double sided, which was dumb. I still print my script out cause I'm old fashioned and I'm an idiot.

Anyway. Listen, we celebrate your hard copies. We always have guys. Thank you. Yeah. But don't fuck up our takes.

All right. I know.

We just want to make sure it doesn't sound like I'm on my shit.

I'm back on my shit. I'm on my shit y'all I am on my shit I'm the boozer I was never a kid I'm on my shit

Woo

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