Muse

Hi, guys. It's Joe. So, breaking news. We Fix Space Junk is coming back. We Fix Space Junk haven't put out an episode, I think, since 2021. You know, the pandemic was rough, y'all. But they're back now. And on March 23rd, their new episode will be dropping on their feed. Now, if you're not familiar with We Fix Space Junk, great show by Beth Crane and Hedley Knights. Here's the logline for those of you who are unfamiliar. We Fix Space Junk follows seasoned smuggler Kilner and reluctant socialite fugitive Samantha as they travel the galaxy, dodging bullets and meeting strange and wonderful beings as they carry out odd jobs on the fringes of the law. Bonus points if you heard my cat in the background just now. So it's a great show. It's a lot of fun. It's very funny. And definitely check it out if you're into that sort of thing. Once again, that's starting up again on March 23rd. If you follow them, make sure your feed is updated. And for those of you who have not heard the show, here is the very first episode of We Fix Space Junk.

We Fix Space Junk by Beth Crane. Episode 1, Escape from Hargan 4.

Thank you.

Psst. Psst, Samantha!

Go away. I'm not signing any more autographs.

Sweetheart, it's me. We've only got ten minutes.

Fabio?

I came back for you. I told you I would. Come on, this way.

Is that man okay?

He's fine. Just step over him.

He's bleeding. Rather a lot. Really quite a lot. That is quite a lot of blood, Fabio.

He was like that when I got here. Do you want me to rescue you or not? Come on.

AUT News. News on the hour. Every hour.

You join me outside the courthouse where the accused, Miss Samantha Trapp, is due to stand trial. For Miss Trapp, the last six months have been a rollercoaster. Formerly a member of the social elite with a social media following of millions and a nightlife I think we've all envied at one point or another. Wait, hang on, I'm getting an update. It appears that Miss Trapp has escaped from the infamous Hagen 4 prison where she was being held prior to her trial, leaving through, no, four dead guards behind her. She appears to have disabled the alarms and security measures surrounding her cell and fled. She is being reported as armed and extremely dangerous and should not be approached under any circumstances. Any information pertaining to her whereabouts...

Looks awfully suspicious to me.

Of course it looks suspicious. If it was innocuous, I could move it myself. You're a smuggler. You smuggle things.

Well, the whole point is the packages look ordinary. This crate just screams fleeing errors. It's too big, and too new, and too stylish. Nobody transports cargo in polished tigerwood crates.

Please, we have no other choice. We're desperate people.

Desperate people are my favourite kind of client. You've done all the paperwork?

Yes.

So that's a third of the payment now, and the other two thirds when we meet you at the Crab Nebula.

And I'll have had time to prove her innocence by then.

Sure you will. And the payment's already been set up, yeah?

You'll get your money, so long as she's safe and sound at the end.

And you know what happens if you don't pay up?

Yeah, I've read the contract. Can we hurry this up? I don't want to get caught by customs at the last minute.

I'm just checking. I've signed a few contracts in my time. It's good to know what you're letting yourself in for. Jeez, she's heavy for a socialite. She's in the other crate. And this is?

Luggage, obviously. Just the basics.

I'm not taking it. You've paid for one person. I've fueled up and stocked up for one person. Not a crate full of... I'm not even sure what half this stuff is.

Well, you're not living the haute couture lifestyle. We're paying you well, extremely well.

I have a lot of subsidiary costs. Like what? I'm taking one person and one small suitcase. Think of me as the easy jet of the... smuggling business. We don't do budget. Think of it as minimalist.

She's not going to be happy.

She'll live. Unlike the guards she killed on the way out. Okay, now clear off.

Goodbye, my love. For you, it will feel mere seconds, but for me, it will be an eternity. I cannot wait...

Yeah, I'm closing the doors now.

I love you, my angel.

Bruce, the things I have to do for this job.

This is Cass Bims.

Sorry, I'm just leaving. I'm in a real hurry. Dax, can you do something?

Like what?

Could you please open the door, ma'am?

Ma'am must be serious.

Good afternoon. We're checking all outgoing cargo ships for suspicious packages. Due to the high level of smuggling in the area, we're conducting a random search. Right. And I thought it was a little strange, a woman travelling all on her own in a big ship like this. Did you pack your cargo yourself, ma'am? Yes. Really? How did you manage that? Those crates are rather large. Are you sure you didn't?

Well, thank the wonders of cyborg technology.

I see. So what's in that?

I believe that... Yes, that's army boots. Ex-army boots. For the orphans.

For the orphans?

They turn them into a nutritious stew. Disgusting, but, well, orphans can't be choosers, right?

I'll give them the once-over, just in case. Oh, old army boots.

Pick them up on the way over here. Just, you know, Automnicon, doing its bit for the less fortunate.

You're from Automnicon?

You didn't see the sticker on my windscreen?

No, no, no, I didn't. I'm so sorry.

I guess my ship is a little dirty. I suppose you couldn't see it. I'm so sorry, I'm so untidy for a woman.

I guess it could happen to anyone, right? Anyone at all. It's a harmless mistake.

Yeah. You have a nice day now.

I can go.

Go on.

Well, that was a little cruel.

Obnoxious little creep, who's about three seconds away from asking to speak to the man of the ship. I guess the closest thing would be you, and you're a computer. Oh, come on, pile of junk.

Hey, less of that. I don't take it out on you when you park badly.

Sorry.

There we go. I'll get a nanoservice while you're in cryo. It'll give me something to do in the long, lonely months.

I can't stay awake just to keep you company while you barrel through space stacks. You're a computer. You're not supposed to get lonely.

Can you at least renew your Netflix account? It expired four months ago, and I nearly went mad with boredom. Full howl. I don't know why they don't just give us warp drives.

You know why. Our time's worth nothing to them. This is Yellow Submarine. Repeat Yellow Submarine. We cleared for takeoff. Kilo Submarine, this is Kilo Romeo, Yangi, Sierra, Niner. You're cleared for take-off. Thanks, pal. Sub out.

Are you going to let me out? Come on!

Oh, you must be Samantha.

Yes, I'm... What happened to your face? What happened to yours? What? That nose is natural, is it? Well, no, but it's like, you've got like... Sorry, I've never actually met a full-on one of you before. I mean, I've got a friend with a robot hand, but I think it's ironic.

You can say it. It's not a dirty word.

You're a... Sorry, I mean I'm just... I'm a cyborg. There you go.

But, like, can I ask you what actually happened? Some things. Like what? Mining accident. Industrial accident. Radiation. Crocodile, etc, etc I can go on Oh, you've gone all pale Little tip for you If you wonder whether you should ask something 90% of the time, it's better not to

So, what do you call this place?

Put that down This is the yellow submarine Why is it called that? No idea It was second hand and changing the name was a hassle Right You've not been cryode before, have you? Excuse me? Cryode Put in suspended animation

I know what it means, but nobody cryos anymore.

Well, you're in for a treat then. Hope you like spending the next six months on your own with no food.

Look, we're not going to get on, and that's fine. But my fiancé is paying you a lot of money to take me to the Crab Nebula, so power up your warp drive and get going.

You think I'm joking.

I can't spend six months in a tank. What about my social media presence?

Think of it as a really long spa, a bit of a digital detox. What was that? That's Daxon, the shipboard computer. Say hi. Um, hello?

Hmm, yes, hello.

He prefers to be called Dax. Be nice, he's controlling your cryo settings. Look, Samantha, they're checking every warp-ready ship. Not checking like that guy from customs just now, I mean tearing them apart looking for you. We were lucky just now, but Autumnicon isn't always as scary a name as it should be. The one place they aren't checking are the freezer ships, because they assume you won't go cryo class. Right. You killed four guards on your way out. I doubt you'll last that long if you go back. Pardon? It's a really easy way to vanish for six months, just floating slowly through space, frozen in time. I do it all the time. It's like a long sleep. Or a short death. Well, that's comforting. Did you do it, by the way?

No, I didn't. I've been framed. So why were you so afraid to stand trial? I was ready to stand trial.

Seems like you went to a lot of trouble to avoid it. Makes you seem less than innocent.

As I said in the press conference, myself and my family are entirely innocent of any wrongdoing whatsoever. We are merely a thin and frock- What?

I grew up on Pluto.

Then you of all people should know, my family have been a boon to Pluto. Our partnership with... Where do you think I lost my legs? And I was lucky. If you're going to be like that, why did you bother picking me up?

I need the money. And I haven't been back to Pluto in a few decades. You're what, 20? It's not your fault your family are a bunch of murderers. Wait, how old are you? Hmm, cryo has its advantages. Anyway, I have bigger problems than that. Like what? It's getting late, we better get in the tanks. So what do I... do? Just get in. Vax will do the rest. Ah! Oh, and don't worry if you feel like you're drowning. That's perfectly normal. Wait, what?

She's interesting.

She's alright. We've only got to spend a couple of days with her. And then I can get my debt paid off and we can get a better ship. With no ghosts. And a warp drive.

Ooh. I'll look at some second-hand models. Put some feelers out.

Thanks. See you in six months, Dax.

I'll miss you. Back to the Sudoku. Just me and the fridge. Well, that was unsettling. Did you hear that, Fridge? Of course you didn't. You're a Fridge.

There's six months of cryo ahead of them. What's waiting in the future for Kilner and Samantha? What sinister being is lurking in the hull of the yellow submarine? And will Dax ever finish his Sudoku? Find out in next week's episode of We Fix Space Junk.

In that episode of We Fix Space Junk, Samantha Trapp was played by Rebecca Evans, Kilner was played by Beth Crane, Dax was played by Jack Carmichael, and Fabio was played by Chris Montepal. All other parts were played by the cast, along with Aaron Simmons, Rosie Alice, Crystal Kimmich, and Hedley Knights. The program was written by Beth Crane and produced by Headley Knights for Battlebird Productions

It's done? It's done She'll be dead before she can get to trial Thank you, Fabio It's a shame I'll never have you as a son-in-law Just doing my bit for the company, sir.

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