Muse

Midnight Burger is brought to you today by Shaker and Spoon, where you can get $20 off of any subscription by going to shakerandspoon.com slash midnightburger. Cast members and avid cocktail makers, Neil and Julie, gave Shaker and Spoon a try.

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I mean, I've got a pretty solid bar by most like home bar standards, but I don't like get things that they sent. Like I don't go out and buy black pepper walnut bitters and like cardamom bitters. And they had a bunch of spice syrups mixed up and stuff.

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In the big rock candy mountain, you never clean your socks. And the little streams of alcohol come trickling down the rocks.

Hello?

Hello. Coffee?

Oh. No, thank you.

Ooh, right. Already started the day with burdock root tea or something?

I actually did. How did you know?

Oh, I didn't. I was joking.

Well, it flushes out the toxins.

Whatever.

You're in a good mood.

I am. I have found the key to happiness.

Oh, have you? Oh, please share.

All week long, throughout the day, I have been doing this. Eldon? Hey, Eldon. Eldon. And nothing. It's been amazing.

Well, I can do that all the time. Is that why I'm so happy? Maybe. Do you want to borrow my rotary phone?

No, I think I'll go one step further. I am going to get one of those hand-cranked ones. I'll have to stand at the wall to use it. Oh, maybe just a telegraph. No, even further. A couple of tin cans. Some string?

Yes. So, do you want to hear the news from the town square or not?

Not. Two more minutes.

Okay.

How are you doing?

I'm okay. Okay. The mountain is okay. natural systems are always more resilient than

we think they are. I was feeling pretty sick for a couple of days. Well, luckily, you had some burdock tea. Yes, Frank. Luckily. I was worried about you for a second. I know. I'll

be okay. Hmm. We need to watch the third movie. What's it called? Return of the Jedi. Right. But maybe not the most important thing right now. I don't know. That guy is frozen in that thing and he's just going to stay frozen until I watch the next movie. Hmm. Good point. Spoiler alert.

He'll be fine.

Okay, but as soon as all of this is over, we're getting back to it.

Okay.

Speaking of which...

Okay, fine. What's the news?

Refugees.

Refugees?

Everyone in the big city is worried that something bad is coming.

Well, that is almost certainly true.

And some of them think they might be safer here in town.

And that is almost certainly not true.

Regardless, we've got a bunch of abandoned houses up here from when people initially fled town. And people are trying to move in.

Really? Yes. How many people?

I don't know.

Okay. Well, I hope Steve has a plan.

You hope Steve has a plan?

I do. I do. He is the man with the plan.

I'm sorry. Do you hear the words that are coming out of your mouth?

I'm serious. You can't be. Why? Hey, it was Steve's plan that got us this far. I'm sure he'll have another plan up his sleeve.

Whoa, that is not the reaction. That is not the reaction I was expecting.

Well, I can be full of surprises, Trinket. Wait, why do I have to be the dependable one? Because it's freaking me out. Well, look, here's what's going to happen. Steve is going to walk around like he's the mayor, right? Or, sorry, deputy mayor. And he's going to start solving problems left and right. He is Mr. Solutions, that guy.

I think this is going to take a little more organization than Steve is capable of.

I know. I know. But you know what's going to happen next? Huh? Doug is going to happen. Doug is going to get out his golden clipboard and start organizing things. He's going to have a list of all the vacant houses and who's moving into each one. He is going to check off boxes. The man loves checking off boxes.

So, you're fine with a bunch of strangers suddenly moving to town? What am I going to do about it? Throw a tantrum like you usually do?

I do object to the word tantrum, first of all.

Don't get me wrong. I'm loving this attitude. It is very strange coming from you. I worry about the sarcasm levels.

Nope. No sarcasm. I'm serious. Steve's got this.

Who are you?

I am a guy who has just spent a week with no one bothering him, and it has been fucking fantastic, Trinket. More of that, please.

You're not just sitting there waiting for this to go horribly wrong, are you?

No, Trinket, we used to be a town full of fucking morons. What are you talking about? Fucking morons, Trinket. But now, look at us.

I mean, I do have to say I didn't see us as a group that was capable of freeing thousands of slaves and fighting off space pirates. Right? Remember Charlie DeLambert? Kind of. She collected something, right? Obsessively.

Watches.

Right. But she wasn't a collector.

No, she was not. It was kind of pathological. But if it had an hour hand and a minute hand, she had to take it home and file it away.

Oh, yeah. I heard she had a lot of them.

She had some sort of problem with her septic tank. She wanted me to look at this one time. So I'm walking through her house, and it's just shoebox after shoebox. shoebox of these watches. This was during the era where everyone was getting a digital watch, so nobody wanted an old school watch anymore. And I say to her, Charlie, what's with all the watches? And she couldn't really explain it. She just said, I don't know, Frank, where are they

all going to go? Oh, I love that. But also, where are you taking me with this story? Stay with me.

I go by her house one day. This was years ago. And she's packing up her stuff, moving away. I ask her what's going on. And she says that she bought a mango farm in Java. What? Yeah. Because one of the watches she obsessively kept had a name engraved on the back, Alexei Leonov. He was a cosmonaut in the 70s. That watch had been on board the friggin Soyuz capsule. She sold it through a Russian auction house for an amount of money that I don't want to say out loud because it makes me angry. Holy shit. So the day before she sold that watch, she was a nutcase with a hoarding problem. The day after, a genius. So everybody made fun of Tavrok back on Earth. How many lives did he save the other night? None of us fit in back on Earth. Now? I mean, look at us.

That's really beautiful, Frank.

Well, like I said, it has been a fantastic week.

Frank. Frank, are you there? Frank, I don't think he's receiving me yet.

We're here, Eldon.

Trinket, where's Frank? No. Oh, he's here. Is he trapped under something? Why isn't he speaking?

Stop. No. Don't take this the wrong way, but I think Frank's been enjoying the week off.

I see. Well, I hope you're well rested, Frank. All hell's about to break loose.

Thank you.

Gort, wake up. Gort is awake. What's the traffic like on the other end of the warp gate? Gate traffic monitors are unavailable. Why? Monitor is disabled. I see. They want me going in blind. Doesn't matter. Incoming communication from TED Command Station Delta. I was waiting for this. Put it through.

So, should I be worried that the most dangerous ship in the Triad is suddenly on the move, or am I just being a worrywart?

Hello, Gulls.

I thought your raiding days were behind you, Leif.

It's a special situation.

Yes, I've been hearing about your special situation. What the hell is going on in your world?

Nothing to worry about.

Nothing to worry about?

Nothing I can't handle.

So, you're telling me there wasn't a massive explosion emanating from the galaxy brain a few days ago?

You're not spying on me, are you, Gulls?

Who, me? We have a wonderful working relationship, Leif. One built on mutual trust.

I'm glad to hear that.

If you're having problems in your backyard, I just thought I should remind you that we share the same backyard.

I'm about to solve our mutual Raxias problem.

Really?

By the time I'm done, the Iron Quadrant will be ready for development. Plenty of resources, no organized societies. It'll be Christmas morning for the Ted Empire by the time I'm done.

That sounds enticing, Leif. But then again, so do most fantastical things.

It's not a fantasy. I should have done this a long time ago.

Should have done what a long time ago?

We've been trying to take over the infrastructure of Raxias and make it our own. That was a mistake. The city's inherently out of control.

And your solution?

Destroy the city.

Destroy it?

We're throwing good money after bad trying to control it.

Well, I'm no expert on intergalactic conquest. Oh, wait. Yes, I am.

It's going to be fine.

What's your plan for the refugees?

Minsky can handle the refugees. The dead people won't be missed.

This is not how the Ted Empire likes to do business, lady.

Which is why you work with me. I do the things you don't like to do.

And if things just become more chaotic?

That's enough performative hand-wringing, Gauls. I know you're already salivating over having a whole new quadrant to plunder. I create the chaos, and the Teds get to swoop in as the benevolent saviors, handing out blankets to the survivors. And that will be that. The last bit of the triad will be controlled by the both of us. We'll finally be at the top of the shit pile.

Very well. It's a risk, but the risk falls squarely on you, which is how we like it.

There's something you can do to speed this along, though.

And what's that?

I just need to borrow a few things. The sooner this is over, the better.

Well, what's mine is yours, of course.

Have a Ted Knot meet us at the warp gate.

Very well. I'm detecting a bit of a personal agenda on your part, Leif.

What the fuck do you care?

I don't. Do you want to know why? Because it's never personal for the Ted Empire. You let emotions get involved, and that's when empires come falling to the ground.

Thanks for the advice. I'd have some ships waiting outside the gate to Raxias if I were you. This shit's going to get messy.

Well, best of luck, Leif. And if you don't make it out alive, it's been a pleasure working with you.

Yeah. I hated every minute of it.

Now, now. Remember what I said. Don't make it personal.

It's all I've got left.

Hey, y'all, listen up! We need everybody to have a little patience. We're trying to find a place for everybody. And there's a, well, there's a whole lot of you. I need the folks who have already signed up with Doug to go ahead and have a seat. And if you haven't checked in with Doug, please form a single line over here.

Hello. Hi. Hi, everyone. I'm going to need a few things. your name and the number of people in your party and any special considerations we need to take into account. So I'm already hearing that people from KBS 1017 have to live in houses that face west. Well, urban planning on your planet must be a nightmare, right? Excuse me? So real quick, Before we get started, Donnie Darko, a.k.a. Darko the Destroyer, we do have a house available with a nice flower bed, as you requested. So just sit tight and we'll get you some keys, okay? All right, everyone, one line, please. Excuse me, Edgy Steve?

Oh, hey. Hey, it's just Steve.

Okay, Steve. I'm Giga.

Yeah, I've seen you around. You're from, wait, don't tell me, Anderho.

Oh, yeah, I am. How did you know that?

I'll pay attention, Giga. Hey, are you looking for a place?

No, I'm not. I need to warn you guys about something.

Warn us? About what?

You're in danger. The whole city is, too. It's really bad.

Oh, I see. Let me guess. There's a great big ship coming, and it's going to kill us all.

yeah how did you know we're on it giga steve are you there oh hey eldon what's up coming in for a landing now is everyone in the sheep's eye yeah we're ready why is everyone cheering because we're the good guys hello hood's pocket

welcome back y'all i need to be greeted like this everywhere i go it freaks me out a little bit

hey we're all ready to go inside y'all hey we'll be right behind you who's your friend oh uh this is giga why is she staring at me giga that's giga huh giga it's me who Oh, shit! Pink Deidre? Hey, Doug, Doug, check this out! What? Oh! It's me.

Holy shit! Hi. Misty? Yeah, um, I was in disguise. Okay, that's... Deidre, that's my boss over there.

Oh, shit. Right. Um, you know how sometimes people have an evil twin? I guess. Well, he's the opposite. Okay. Look, I don't have time to explain right now. I am so glad you got out of the galaxy, Brain. We've got to go in there and have a meeting. That's Virge. Yes, I'll explain that too. Um, I know, it is really confusing. Wait here and I'll be right back.

Sure. Hello and welcome, space adventurers. Virge, you look like shit. Well, I got shot a couple of times. Well, Jesus Christ, duck next time, dummy. Why didn't I think of that? How many dozens of drinks can I get you?

Three dozen, please. And please tell me there are some cigarettes back there. Frank! Leif!

We have some great news. What's that? We are making you Hood's Pocket Employee of the Month. I can die now.

Yes. Deidre, sit down. Welcome back. Hey, what did I miss? Well, Frank's been in a good mood lately, and it's making all of us uncomfortable.

Hello, everyone. Sorry I'm late. Very unmilitary of me. Someone asked me for my autograph out there. We're so hot right now.

I'm going to release a children's book and a cosmetics line. Has the meeting already started? What did I miss?

The meeting hasn't started, but let's get to it. Steve? Yeah, what? Start the meeting. Me? Yeah! My man, go for it!

Uh, okay. Uh, yeah, sure. Okay. Um, welcome back to the away team. Thank you. It's great to have you all back, but trouble is on the way. Right, Eldon?

The name of the ship is the Alex P. Keaton. Don't ask. It's a massive starship that is armed to the teeth. Not the least of its armaments is an 80-ton railgun, a Byzantine but effective weapon that launches an 80-ton projectile across very long distances. It's a city killer. Luckily for us, we had a head start, and the ship is quite slow, but it will be crossing the warp gate into this quadrant any time now.

Is this like the Death Star?

Who's been showing Trinket Star Wars?

She insisted we watch it.

I'm so proud of you, Trinket!

It's not a bad equivalency, Trinket.

So, maybe it has a secret place where we can shoot something into it and the whole thing explodes. It doesn't.

Really? An insult to engineers everywhere, that movie.

So, guys, I am no expert, but last time I checked, 80 tons was heavy.

It is, Frank.

An army of psychotic zombies is one thing. How are we supposed to defend against an 80-ton bullet fired from space? We, uh, we have a plan for that.

It's unconventional. It's crazy. Well, we've had some crazy plans in the past. Not this one.

Chef's kiss life.

Oh. I can't wait to hear this. What's the plan? Let's save that for the end.

While in transit, I asked all of you to come up with options to defend the town. What have you come up with?

I mean, speaking of crazy plans, Celeste?

Right. Well, we have some weapons at the base, sure. But since we were primarily a research station, we weren't armed to the teeth or anything.

Yeah, Earth weapons aren't going to be much use in this case.

But, um, well, I've been seeing someone. And, well, it's very new, but, you know, it's been very intense

What are we talking about? She's fucking Slabs McTurps What? Oh, you heard me Is that the spiky guy?

Uh, yep

You're fucking Slabs McTurps? He is How?

Carefully, I would imagine

I'd like to frame it in another way He's really quite charming

That's true, actually I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry Um, Spikes? Guys, guys, this is great news, because I thought we were running out of things to make fun of Celeste for. But can someone read me in here?

Slabs McTerps and his beautiful boys. They're a very effective army of murderers.

mercenaries who are currently encamped outside of Raxias.

And Celeste is dating him?

Thank you, Frank. Yes, we're dating. Holy shit, Celeste. I'm a little out of my comfort zone. Because of the poisonous spikes. But it's been good for me.

No, no, wait, no, the spikes are poisonous?

Easy there, Doug. You've got a lizard girlfriend.

Oh, no, please don't say that. Okay.

Okay, so, I'm at a loss for words. Long story short, he's offered to help. So we're hiring mercenaries? He said he'd do it for free. He'll do it for free, but he's going to tax that ass. Am I right, everybody? June.

All right, everyone. Let's focus. Obviously, we'll need to work out the specifics with Slabs McTerps. Let's keep moving. Steve, what else?

Okay. You all also said that Raxias needed to be a united front before all this shit goes down. We've got the city pretty much behind us, but, well, there is one holdout. The guy who controls the scrapyards and the chop shops on the north end of the city isn't playing ball. So we think he needs a bit of a personal touch. And that's where I come in. Oh, God, you're going to send June to talk to this guy? Hey! They call him Sir Party Animal. Oh.

See?

Finally, June, your time to shine.

I'll head into town, and I'll meet with this guy. He's going to love me.

Well, it's sounding like some people might get hurt during all of this, so I'm going to head over to my place and make sure it's a healing environment.

And I will keep things organized out there and try to get, you know, as many people indoors as I can.

Then I guess I'll open up the bar.

Okay. Looks like everybody else has a job. What am I doing?

Well, you're with me, Frank. Ah, what are we doing? Oh, buddy, it's going to be fun.

Well, that's everything on our end, Eldon. What's the rest of the plan?

Life.

Okay, okay, I'm sorry, everyone. Oh, guys, what happened to our line? We had such a good line going.

Come on, you all. If you want a roof over your head, you've got to stand in line for it.

Where is she?

Right over there.

Okay.

Um, anyone else surprised that Celeste's sexual prowess is what's keeping the town safe? June, for the last time, it's a deeply emotional relationship. I know, but that's not as funny.

Giga?

Um, hi?

I'm sure this is disorienting.

It really is.

I promise. I'm not him. Look. Look at my arm. Does he have an arm like this?

No. No, I guess he doesn't.

I appreciate you trying to warn the town about him.

Well, it's just, it's a nice town.

It is. It really is. Deidre was telling me you're a network specialist.

Yeah.

Okay. I need your help with something.

With what?

Head over to the Horizon Motel. Talk to a Truscan named Bulb. He and his brothers are working on something in the parking lot. We need a full array package, but it needs to be about... Yay big. We've only got so much room. Can you do that?

Yeah, I think so. What's it for?

Talking to people.

Sure, but...

Bulb will explain everything. I don't think either of us wants a Truskin setting up an array package.

No, that'd be bad.

Everything will make sense soon.

Okay. Um, I like this version of you better.

Me too, Geekha.

Leif.

Yeah?

Slabs McTurps and his beautiful boys are on the way. It might be a good idea to make yourself scarce.

Everybody's seen my face.

Dark Leif seems to have done a very good job at keeping his face out of the public eye, so it hasn't been an issue thus far. However, someone as high profile as Slabs may know your face.

I guess you're right.

Hey, Eldon? Yes? There are a bunch of people in my shop.

Yes. Once again, Trinket, if you had a phone, I could tell you this.

Well, we were just in the meeting.

I wasn't running the meeting.

Who are they?

That is Lady Lazarus and her assistants. She's a surgeon who has volunteered her services for whatever lies ahead today.

I thought that was my job.

Trinket, you're an essential part of the town, but that doesn't make you into a doctor. Let's let that be the purview of the professionals and reallocate your talents elsewhere.

Just because I don't practice traditional medicine doesn't...

Trinket, you can't do a skin graft with a chamomile poultice. You need an actual surgeon.

Isn't Lady Lazarus a cosmetic surgeon? She's still a surgeon. Well, what am I supposed to do then? You should hang with us.

I've got to stay out of the fray in case anyone recognizes me.

Also, Trinket, your extrasensory perception of the mountain could be very helpful from a tactical standpoint.

Unless you've learned some new spells, do you know Magic Missile? No, Leif. Look, I'd appreciate it if you stuck with us. It's going to be a weird day for me.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah. I can see it on you. Okay. What are we doing first?

Shop and go. Okay.

After that, let's head higher up the mountain, get a bird's eye view.

What's going on, Leif? You ever done the wrong thing to do the right thing? Tell me more.

I like the pink alien suit. I think we should keep it. I think we should. It's only fair if you get to be a human and an alien, I should get to as well. After all, I'm sure I'll have to save you from the evil clutches of a madman again someday. God, you are such a damsel in distress.

I know. I'm swooning. I was tied to the railroad tracks, Deetra. Maybe we can trade off.

I'll be the one who gets saved from the bad guy next time.

Oh, that sounds fun. What are you going to wear?

Whatever you want.

I love you so fucking much.

I love you too. So, um, this plan sounds pretty extreme. Are we sure this is a good idea?

I honestly don't know. I don't know how to feel about it. I mean, I know that we need to do something. And this is the only plan that might work.

Hey, Verge, your friend the mercenary is here. You want to come say hello? Shit. Come on, you have to meet this guy.

Okay.

My love.

Hey, sweetie.

As requested, I have arrived with my beautiful boys.

Thank you so much.

Anything to gaze once again into your eyes, my dearest.

Oh, stop it.

This must be the Frank. Nope, just Frank. I have heard tales of you, Frank. Is it true you cannot be broken? Only my heart, Slabs. Ah, I am the same. You wouldn't think it to look at me, but Slabs McTurps has a rich emotional life. Hmm, you don't say. We watched the fault in our stars together. I was ruined. Okay. I love Ansel Elgort.

Okay, yeah. That's great. So, Slabs, you're telling me you and your boys are going to patrol the streets for free? Because I'm told you're a mercenary.

We are soldiers for hire, Frank, and we are the greatest in the realm. But we have one price that we hold sacred above all. We do this one for love, my beautiful boys. You see, we are nothing if not romantics. Okay. But in addition to being romantics, we are also terrifying murderers, so worry not.

Holy shit, Celeste. I can't help it. He's boyfriend material.

Verge, I see you have unveiled your paramour to me.

Slabs, this is Deidre. Hi.

Deidre, you are a vision. Thanks. Celeste and I are very keen to have a double date with you.

Oh, my God. Oh, I'd love to, Slabsy. But Frank and I have to go.

Duty calls. A shame. Let us go inside, then. I shall tell you tales of Verge's heroism.

Oh, that sounds great.

We will drink. My dear, what is that thing I cannot have? Red wine. I cannot have red wine, Frank. Okay. Because of the tannins.

100%. Yes. You want to stay away from those, Slabs. Let's go, Frank.

Verge, before you depart, Geo! I thought it was best I return this to you.

What is that?

Verge gave it to me long ago and said to return it should we see each other again.

What is it? It's a lockbox.

I trust you remember the passphrase.

Uh, yeah. Yeah, I do. Well, thanks, Slabsy.

My dear, let us drink so that I may gaze into your eyes one last time before battle.

Okay. Good luck, you guys. Thanks, Celeste. Virch? What is that? It's, uh... Hmm.

It's a lockbox. It's just a lockbox with a passcode. So that belongs to The Verge from this universe. Yeah, I guess so. What's in it? I don't know. Should you open it? Maybe? Not yet. Keep it behind the bar, okay? We'll open it together when I get back. Okay. Be careful. I will. Don't have too much fun without me, okay? Okay.

Hello. I'd like to speak to Sir Party Animal, please.

Hey, Doug.

Oh, hi. Hi. Hello. I don't even know if I should be in here right now, but I didn't know where else to go.

Well, for whatever reason, I feel better with you here.

Oh. Okay. Doug, what are you listening to? Oh, bird sounds. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. Oh, I make recordings of them, and I've got a nice field recorder. So I go out and I make some recordings sometimes. It helps me relax to listen back to them.

Are those the starlings? Yes. There's a bunch of starlings that hang out by Trailer Park Row.

Mm-hmm. They mimic sounds that they hear. So some of them still make the sound of a train that used to go by the mountain, you know, back home. Oh, there it is.

Did you manage to get everyone a place to stay tonight?

Oh, yeah. Everyone's all put away. What happens next? Now we wait. So, do you think this plan of yours will work, Leif?

I don't know, but I think it's the only thing that will. Well, I'm getting a Mars bar. What are you getting? I don't know.

Those bird sounds are crazy. I mean, you know, it's an odd sound, but I like it. It's like a million sounds at once.

Leif, we need to get you out of here.

Yeah, right. I'm going to grab some beers.

Doug, remember to start talking to people if you get weird, okay?

I mean, I'll definitely get weird. And I will definitely start talking to people. Good. Okay, let's go. Thanks, Doug. Oh, um, good luck.

Um, play the starlings again. Okay.

Weird.

Can I get a recording of that? Oh, um, sure. I can just, um...

Just play it into your phone, Doug. I'll archive a copy.

Yep, okay, okay.

Leif, what's going on?

Nothing. Good luck, Doug. Oh, you too.

All right, here it is.

It is... What the fuck is it?

I have no idea, but apparently it's pretty important.

Is it a missile?

Maybe. You're really asking the wrong guy.

Aren't you the leader, though?

Me? No. Technically, our leader's a dog. A what? Huskins are on a break. They take a lot of breaks. We've got someone going into town right now. They'll pick up all the things you're going to need.

Okay. Steve, I don't understand what's going on. Right? Why does a missile need a comms array?

Again, I have no idea, Giga. But I know that it's important. So I hope you know what you're doing.

Me too. You guys don't even know me. You're just going to give me this important thing to do.

Deidre says you're good people

That's all it takes

Around here, that's all it takes

Steve, I'm just tech support for criminals. I don't know if you want me doing this.

Giga, I'm a drug dealer.

What?

Look, sometimes it's not about who you are. It's about what you do when shit hits the fan. Well, the shit's hitting the fan, Giga. What are you going to do?

I like it out here.

Yeah?

Yeah. It's quiet.

This used to be the only place I felt at home. In between destinations.

What's it been like, settling down?

It's been so strange, Frank.

I can tell.

You can?

Yeah. Yeah, I think we've all been watching it happen. Remember when you first strolled into the horizon? Yeah. It was like a Sergio Leone movie. You watched any of those yet?

No.

Oh, oh, Burge. We have got to watch some Sergio Leone movies. Burge, you'd love them. There's two kinds of people, my friend. Those with loaded guns and those who dig.

you dig sounds great i'll put it on the list you and trinket have been watching movies lately we

have that's interesting oh god don't get any ideas verge you forget i'm no longer a man And just a pile of mulch.

Oh, yeah, you're a pile of mulch. And she's a walkie mushroom. It sounds like you're perfect for each other.

Burge, I know everybody treats me like I'm the same old curmudgeonly Frank, but I look down at my hands, and I don't know what they're made of. So Kind of hard to think about much else

There are all kinds of people out there Who don't know what they're made of, Frank I made sweet potatoes the other day I didn't think I had it in me

So you made sweet potatoes And now you can totally understand my situation?

All I'm saying is Sometimes we decide who we are. And sometimes we're wrong. That's all.

Copy that. Noted.

We're coming up on it now. Look out your window, Frank. Portside.

God damn! How far away are we? Thousands of kilometers.

We are thousands of kilometers away and it's already that big?

As far as warp gates go, this is mid-sized at best. You can see the ring there. That's where the ships pass through. Then that ring is attached to the Dyson Sphere.

What's a Dyson Sphere?

The massive sphere it's attached to. There's a star inside it. The sphere captures all of the star's energy and uses it to power the warp gate. Folding space, as it does, requires a staggering amount of energy.

They trapped an entire star?

They did. It's impressive technology at an impressive scale. It's what's allowed the Ten Empire to dominate the triad.

Oh. I don't know.

Everything is too much, Eldon.

Agreed. June is looking for you.

Oh, good. Okay.

Frankie!

Hello.

What are you doing?

Oh, you know, traveling through deep space.

How have I not been able to go to space yet? How is that fair?

Well, I guess when the day's issue involves someone named Sir Party Animal, your talents are demanded elsewhere.

I've made my bet.

You have. You have. How's that going, by the way?

Just fine. I have met with Sir Party Animal, and he's on board. I have unified the city, Frank.

How'd you do it?

I introduced myself as June, Pants Darts champion. He didn't stand a chance.

Always the life of the party, June.

Yeah. Yeah, I guess. I don't know. Frank.

Frankie, is it weird that I'm in the middle of a massive party on an alien planet and all I want to do is go hang out at my boyfriend's cabin? Is it over? Am I washed up?

June, all I want to do is go hang out at your boyfriend's cabin.

Am I old?

June.

Don't say it.

June, we have been old for some time now.

That's terrible.

It is way back in the rearview mirror, June.

That's so unfortunate.

On the bright side, it's only on the outside, though. Internally. You have been acting like a 17-year-old for a couple of decades now.

Hey, June. Compared to me, you're still technically a teenager.

Ooh! I like that. Okay, I'm now exclusively hanging out with Verge. I'm done with you senior citizens.

More quality time for me and Tarvok, then.

Frankie. I love you, stupid. Don't fuck it up out there.

Hey, if I don't make it back, I leave the ownership of the Horizon to you.

You bastard. Why did you do that to me?

Love you. Let's switch over to ghost power. Have you found the dead zone yet? I found it. Frank, we are going to power down almost everything and move into a dead zone. Every gate has an area where ships can't see you when they exit the gate, and it's where raiders and rimrunners hang out. Okay. What happens after that?

We're waiting for the Alex P. Keaton to exit the warp gate. As soon as it does, we move in.

Okay. So, at any point, are we going to talk about how the most terrifying battleship in the galaxy is named after a character from an 80s sitcom?

We can talk about it if you'd like. Would you like to hear the story?

No. I think hearing that story will ruin the nice time I'm having.

Speaking of ruining your nice time, here it comes. We're in the dead zone. He shouldn't see us. Oh, Jesus Christ! We warned you it was big.

You guys, no! No, you did not! You guys, that is not a ship!

That is the state of fucking New Hampshire! The original owner had a great admiration for an old warlord named Emperor Bug-Buck, who had a ship the size of a moon. The only reason this ship isn't that size is because it had to fit through a warp gate. What's the huge thing on top of it? That's the railgun. Raxias will be within range of it in approximately two hours.

Leif?

Yeah?

He's here.

Okay. Wait until the coast is clear, then move in.

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How long until the rail gun is aligned? One hour and 43 minutes. Prepare the secondary payload for launch. While we wait for Raxius to get aligned, we're going to launch the secondary payload at a small town outside of Raxius. Apparently, it's called Hood's Pocket. Location not available in database. What? Location Hood's Pocket is not registered. What the fuck? Bring up the live satellite feed. Live feed on screen. Okay. There. Do you see it? Topographical map has changed. How can the mountain range have changed? Unknown. Fuck it. Whether you can see it or not, launch the payload at that general area. Launching secondary payload. Secondary payload is away. Good. Hope they enjoy it. Incoming transmission from Tucumcari, New Mexico. What? Put it through. Greetings from the land of enchantment. Something tells me you're not calling me from New Mexico. I'm going shopping. Do you want a turquoise bolo tie? Laugh it up. I'm about to make you regret the past few weeks of your life. I'm rubber in your glue. I hope all this was worth it, whoever you are. You ever think what mom would say to all this? I know I did. Not dad. Dad always thought we were a piece of shit. I never hear his voice.

my head. Though I have to say, the real tragedy of this world is, I hate to say it, Dad was right about you. I really want to applaud you for an impressive, deep background, deep fake, deep bullshit project. You really had me fucked up in the head for a minute. But now, I don't even care. This is the end of the road for you. You could have been so much better, Leif. I know. And transmission.

Uh, Leif? Yeah? Something's not right.

Eldon? Multiple projectiles incoming. Okay. Use the

deactivation protocols I gave you. They're not working.

Why? Because they're not his projectiles.

What do you mean?

Ted bots.

Shit. Warned Slabs.

Slabs, we have multiple tech bot crashdowns in the area. I see them. Let them feel the wrath of Disco Inferno. Attention, citizens of Woodspocket. There is live fire in the streets. Shelter in place until further notice.

Ferg, what's your status?

Almost there.

I can't tell where these things are.

That doesn't surprise me. They're inorganic. Where is everyone else?

Uh, Deidre, Doug, and Steve are in the sheep's eye. Celeste is in the streets with slabs. It's pretty chaotic down there.

Deidre, are you okay? Yeah, I'm okay. Oh, shit! Deidre! Deidre! Deidre!

Ah!

Ah! Ah!

Baby? Lave?

Yeah?

The knife works.

Yeah, it does.

So fucking hot. Phoenix is in position.

All right, guys, get to it. We're up to our asses and TED bots. Five minutes. Wait, where are Doug and Steve going?

Steve, report him, please. Hang tight, you all. We're going to do something a little crazy. Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.

Not the time, Steve.

No, no, just wait, guys. It's going to be great. Steve?

What the fuck is that? Holy shit.

Steve, what are you doing? Let's roll! Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!

What are they driving through town?

It's the snowplow.

It's pocket, baby! I think we got about ten of them. Eleven! Well, how poetic. Leif, we're ready when you are.

Okay. Do it.

Alright, we have a full magnetic lock on the surface of the warp gate.

What have we been looking for? You can see it up ahead. Every warp gate has a series of ports you can jack into for maintenance. And that's where I'm headed? That's it. But how do I keep from floating out into space?

When warp gates have their own gravitational pull, it'll be like walking underwater.

Oh, okay. Frank, reach out to the seat. Okay. This is it? That's the box it's in. How do I open it? In 1970, Doc Ellis pitched a no-hitter on LSD.

Access granted.

This is it? That's it. What is it?

It's not on, like, a flash drive, Frank.

Oh, wait, what's the name of this thing again? The Ted Slayer. Oh. Okay. Okay. Let's get this over with. Okay. I'm going to bifurcate the cabin, and then it'll just be... You in the void, Frank. No, you know, I take back everything I said about liking it out here. Too late. Ready? Sure.

All right, Frank. You won't be able to talk, but I can talk to you through your comms device. Exit the cabin and make your way toward the data port ten feet from the bow of the ship.

And Frank. Just in case you were wondering, yes, it does look very creepy to see you walking out there in space. This is, like, literally the most unnatural thing I've ever seen. I'm going to assume you're flipping the bird at Eldon right now, and not me.

Almost there, Frank. The device you're holding should fit perfectly into the data port. Good. On my mark, turn it counterclockwise. All right, Virch. Just the two of us. Any final words for the triad?

Good riddance.

Very well. Frank, turn the device counterclockwise and head back to the ship.

Slabs McTurps? Postal ID confirmed. Slabs McTurps and his beautiful voice. Who the fuck are these people? Incoming transmission from Bowling Green, Kentucky.

Oh, for fuck's sake. Hey, Leif. Slabs McTurps? How the hell do you get hooked up with him? Hey, let me talk to you for a second. What? It's over. Oh, it's over, huh? Because you hired a few shitty mercenaries? In 45 minutes, I destroy the whole city! I swung by Red's rectangle on the way home. Hard to believe you left it there after all this time. But I guess that's what I did too, so who am I to judge? After I sprung Verge, I went and got it. I've got a team at the warp gate. They just inserted the cube into a data port and turned it counterclockwise. It's over. Bullshit. Check your gate status. Status check on the Rax Prime gate. Rax Prime gate offline. Diagnostic.

Cascading system failure.

There's no way you actually did this. The gate's dead, Leif. And you know what happens when a gate stops being a gate. Without the Dyson Sphere constantly siphoning energy away from the star, the energy inside the star compounds itself and burns brighter and brighter until it eats the entire gate alive. In a few hours, the star will have sucked the entire gate into its core like it never existed. Finally, freeing itself from its prison. On screen. Oh, my God. As you know, the virus will jump from gate to gate for the next 72 hours. All of the stars eating the gates alive. In a week, it'll be like the Ted Empire never existed. You're fucking insane. We're fucking insane, Leif. You didn't just do this to me. You did this to everyone. Do you have any idea what you've done to everyone? Yeah. I do That's on me Millions of planets All dependent on each other I know You Did all this Just to fuck me over? I did this for a lot of reasons, Leif. This doesn't stop me.

You know, I've still got this rail gun and I still have your location. You're not going to do that, Leif. How do you know? Because you live here now, my friend. You are a citizen of the Iron Quadrant. You and I both know that Raxias is the only major city in the Iron Quadrant. Where are you going to refuel, Leif? Where are you going to resupply? You're going to have to make friends with every single person in that city. But honestly, I'd give them some time. Because right now, every single one of them fucking hates you. My advice to you? Go find an unstable unicorn somewhere. Think for a while. Try and come around to the idea that I saved you. You were lashed to the mast of it just as much as everyone else was. Even as a criminal, you were part of the machine. The machine's dying as we speak, Leif. So who are you going to be? Who the fuck are you? There's nobody else here, Leif. It's just you.

Transcription by CastingWords To the heart of the Ted Empire, planet after planet disappears from the map. With no other way of traversing the millions of light years between them, with each gate gone, another system is lost in the darkness, cut off forever. What will be the fate of the triad without this system that has connected us? Will we ever see each other again?

are we on okay uh hello if you're receiving this i imagine this is the first time you've received a signal from outside your planet in a while i'm not going to tell you who i am because it doesn't really matter i don't think any of us can imagine the amount of trauma that the triad just went through, and is still going through. It's something too big to fit in your head. Some of you have gone for a really long time without hearing the voices of your family or friends, but you are hearing my voice. And let me tell you why that is. Right now, something is speeding through the Triad in a constant loop. It's going faster than anything ever has, and it's broadcasting this message to you right now. At first, this thing was a weapon. I called it a cow catcher. But a change here and there, and the addition of a comms array, and the Triad now has its very first, faster than light comms relay. All the interface information is embedded in this message. You'll be able to send messages and data to anyone in the triad. You can't be together right now, but I can keep you talking. All that will be managed by one very dutiful

Anderhovian. Giga? Uh, hey there, entire triad. I'm Giga. Like you said, I'm from Anderho, but I spent most of my time on Raxias. But that's all of us, right? Who stays on the planet they were born on? So, this is going to work pretty simply. We're going to be using the same comms node you always use, but instead of the signals being sent through a gate, they'll be banked on the note. until they're picked up by our probe and sent to the right person on the other side of the triad or wherever they are. It'll take time at first, but it'll go faster and faster as we get better at it and we get more probes launched. All the technical info you need is embedded in this message. It kind of reminds me of the days of the old coalition. There was a handful of planets and they all knew each other, but they couldn't get to each other yet. So they worked together and they did what they could. I've got a big room full of servers here and I'm going to be doing everything I can to keep

you talking. And while I'm doing that, here's Bulb. Hey, howdy old era citizens at a triad. Bulb here. Planet of the Trusk, local foundry 525. Shout out to my boys back home at the 525. I'm sure You're sitting on your asses right now, you lazy bums. Folks, we're going to be making some new probes for you for a while. We're going to get them whizzing around the triad, making sure everybody's birthday greetings for grandma get their own time and whatnot. But that's not the only thing you're going to find on those probes. You're also going to find some detailed schematics for the fancy new engines that are making these probes run. And these are bona fide faster than light engines, my friends. First of their kind. This is the kind of engine that can change the game, folks, and nothing would make me prouder than to load one of these babies into a ship and send you sailing across the sky. There's only one problem going faster than the speed of light is a tendency to turn everybody's head into a freshly baked fruit pie. We've got the speed and now we need the protection. And that's on you, my friends. All you fancy scientists and scholars out there, it's time for you all to work together and figure out a way how we can get back to each other. Yeah, I believe in you, you pencil necks. Get to work. And here's the promise I make to you. Why don't you crack this little code and it's time for everyone to get a brand new Faster Than Light Ship. The foundries of Trusk are gonna fire up like they've never fired up before, baby. We'll go back to the days of the belt. The old hammerhead himself, right? Yeah, yeah, you'll be able to see the glow of the molten steel from across the system, beautiful. Every ship 100% reliable and 100% union made. All right, break's over, that's all from me. I look forward to seeing all your faces again, Triad. Bob out!

So, I'm sure most of you are pretty pissed off at me right now. Trust me when I say this was not an easy decision. I'm sure a lot of you are saying, who the fuck does this guy think he is? What makes him think he has the right to make this decision for all of us? But that's kind of the point. The point is, I shouldn't have been able to make this decision. The point is, no one should have been able to. There's just too much power in too few places. All of us were so trapped in it that it would just go on forever. All of us afraid of the pain of changing things. but now if we work together if we truly work together we'll finally be free all of us there'll be no more secret hands directing you where to go and what to do it'll just be us us and the stars this is the last you'll ever hear from me it's all up to you now good luck The Alex P. Keaton has changed course. Probably headed to a shady spot in the quadrant to lick his wounds. Poor guy never knew what hit him

With that ship of his, he'll be able to be the king of this quadrant

Yeah, but that's not what he wants If he has any sense left in him, he'll grab a skiff and disappear Start over again

I imagine there will be a lot of that across the triad

Did I do the right thing?

That depends what you mean by the right thing. Do you mean the option that hurts the least? Because quite often that's not the right thing.

It was a pretty monstrous thing I just did, Eldon.

Monstrous?

Friends and family separated? Entire planets are going to have to figure out how to survive on their own again.

Well, not to tut-tut you, Leif, but tut-tut. You didn't knock the triad back to the Stone Age. These are still highly advanced civilizations that, while they can't travel long distances, can still engage in limited interplanetary travel. You're not as monstrous as you may think.

I feel like a monster.

Well, then I'd remind you what one of your fellow Earthlings once said.

What?

The old world is dying. The new world struggles to be born. Now is the time of monsters. many people read that and assume that the monsters will be on the side of the old world but i think the monsters will come from the old world and the new for a while like it or not you are one of these monsters life sometimes you're not going to like it

I'm not sure how to feel about that.

Leif, you just destroyed the Ted Empire. How about you have a drink or two?

There is no greater victory than one shared with your lover.

Oh, I agree, sweetie.

Your bravery today was unsurpassed, my dear.

Are you sure? I feel like I did a lot of hiding behind you.

As you should. My hide is resistant to many attacks.

I noticed.

Though it is helpless against the attacks from your eyes, my love.

Oh, stop it.

My beautiful boys have decided that, on this day, you should be given your battle name.

Uh, my battle name? What is that?

Name given to you after your first battle.

Oh! Uh, do I want to know what it is?

They have pronounced you... Caitlyn, leader of the Unicorn Revolution. Oh! Wow. Uh...

I don't get it. Should I get it?

I have no idea. The young people, they have so many names for things.

I see.

Best to just go with it.

Okay, so she doesn't bite, so, you know, don't worry about that. But only pet her back. She doesn't like her face touched, okay? Oh, kids, did you know that the Ashlesaurus gets its energy from the sun? It's like a plant does. Well, that means that she likes you. So, all right, everyone, take an asparagus, and you can feed her.

So there I was, down in the cave. I said, you listen to me, Francis. You want to get to these refugees? You got to come through me. Long story short, Francis is a pile of scrap metal now. Killer odd.

You owe me pants. Pikeman Stover, two pairs of pants from you. Darth Ox, you have bet pants. And you don't have legs, my friend. What are we supposed to do about this? All right, come on. Next up.

Let's go. Hey, you see there? That was a whole chair you hit me with. Nothing. Who's next? Buddy, seriously? You're just going to punch me? What's your fist going to do that the chair couldn't do? So now you're injured. That's at least a sprain. A bottle. Oh, my. Really? Guys, get serious here. A bottle? Go get some power tools. Verge. Hey.

Sorry, it's so crazy in there. I just said fuck it, and they're all serving themselves now.

Someone should really make you a drink sometime. Right?

Okay, here it is. Are you ready? How are you feeling?

How am I feeling about opening a lockbox from an alternate version of me? No idea. I've got no idea.

Well, it's not like it doesn't belong to you. You know, from a certain perspective.

Yeah. Yeah, okay.

How do we open it?

The Wandering Mermaid wants you to know the creature from the Black Lagoon and the Little Mermaid are the exact same story.

Access granted.

What is that?

It looks like a hologram, Cube. It's like a framed photograph, Deidre.

Oh. Virg, is that you as a little kid? Baby?

Deidre, this appears to be a hologram of Virg's family.

Oh, my God. That's them. Are you okay?

I'm okay.

Talk to me. God, there's so many of them. Tell me who's who in this picture.

It's...

The Vapian family structure is a bit different from an Earthling's, Deidre. The family is larger, with several implied roles. Some say there were as many as twenty implied roles. While there are roles in the family that translate roughly to mother and father, there are also implied roles that don't translate well.

Okay. Virg?

They're all... gone.

Eldon, tell me about these roles you're talking about. What does that mean?

For example, there is the Rakishet. That person would be the spiritual center of the family, usually in charge of religious ceremonies and being a bit of a dreamer.

That sounds like Trinket.

Then there is the burette. More of an organizer. Keeps the house running. Loves a good list.

Doug, for sure.

The tafti. How to describe this? The one who lightens things.

A joybringer. A joker.

That's June.

The teheba. Probably the hardest one to translate. Put simply, the one who will remind the family that they are loved.

That's you. Maybe they're not gone Can we just sit here for a while? We can sit here all night

Trinket

Hey

That time that's missing from my memory You still think you can get it back?

I think so, yeah

Okay I'm ready

Okay Okay.

Let's get started. So, take off your clothes. Uh. What? I'm just kidding. Oh! Come in. Sit down. Let's have some tea.

Welcome to The Horizon is brought to you in part by our Monte Cristo-level and above supporters. Pronghorn, Billy, Bertbert, Bethany, Second Bethany, Julian, Post-Coitus Cuddles Make Life Worth Living, Fada and Daphuz, I Have a Healthy Fear of Furries, Tracy Nellig, Big Daddy Hangerton, Flep the Flabbergasted, Nanique of the Not-Quite-North and Schrodinger's Duck, Jellybean and Jayfish, Eric Keevey, Ethan Horvath, Petra Peaches, Space Arsonist, Resonance Soundworks, Diane Simmons, John Gormanshire, James Connelly. They call me Brent, they call me Brickly, they call me Mimi, I work with kids, they can't say Brittany. Paul Mitchell, it's 10pm, do you know where your children are? Retro Punk, Dave Dozier, Z0-3 AM6, Mickey Smith, Maria Hearing, LeCruzzi of Borg, Non-binary Fugosilvit, Anders Eternally Sad Because of Joe, The Love Wizard, Simon G and Mrs. Johnson, Rombo Bombo, Amanda T-Shot, Croc the Proper Gator, Xavier Dasher, Beans McBamph, Three Pandas in a Trenchcoat Named Bethany, U.S. Marshal Stacy, Jemaine Masters, Blind Irasta, Booyah Hippie, Iron Foley, Brandy Gunter, Jonathan Johnson, Grandma Floozy, The Slim Reaper. Bacuse is not a goose. Joseph Berger, you promised nobody dies. Juno. Skeptic Eddie, the humble litter box attendant. Elisa Kelly, the femboy catboy behind Casper welcomes you to Behind Casperville, a town of cat people held in a pocket dimension behind Casper. Samuel Bohanton, the Great. Nikki Shade, intergalactic transdimensional Monte Cristo pirate. This patron can't come to the phone right now. Please try again later. Sometimes I wonder if pizza thinks about me too. I'd love my sandwich. Take a bite out of a sandwich. Jesse Shodell, on the off track. But wait, there's more? Keylander Z, Mad Tiger, Mad Tiger, get well soon. Transgressive Party, Cuddly Kraken, Shantae, Maven of Chaos, Umquam. Ruthie loves her girlfriend so dearly. Kashak the Lizard Wizard casts Warehouse Fire. Electric nana banana is gonna be a sudden craze. Electric nana banana is bound to be the very next phrase. Everybody, they call me mellow yellow. To Polar Cat and introducing Recy Pontiff as the 84th Doctor. Dr. Lattice Trash Angel absolutely covered in sawdust because she was granted a table saw.

C.J. the future knot says, stay fresh, cheese bags. Reluctant Dave and his Dairy Queen. Aoife Lilith will live on the radio waves evermore. Molly says, happy anniversary to Bub and Lisey. I love you, you beautiful nerds. Team Hashim, Samara, and Thiessen rules forever. Intergalactic transdimensional Monte Cristo pirate. Njord Flanders, proprietor of the Hood's Pocket Leftorium. This shout-out brought to you by the Redacted Unit Podcast, so I can convince Aethan to reveal a letter in their new series' name, Jonah the Gay Uncle. Smedley P. Snodgrass III, but please, for the love of God and all that is holy. Call me Smedley. Chekhov's forklift lifts endless endless forklift, so twice five miles of fertile ground, with walls and towers were girdled round. The floofinator and princess puss say magpie cat should stop packing and get back to petting them. Demonic Narwhal. Boomhauer weapons special offer. Buy one case of cuddle killers and get a free life-size plush mungo. Boomhauer weapons, for rich people that want to stay that way. Randy's Amigo, when someone tells you about their divorce, say congratulations. So congratulations, Heather. No more sunk cost fallacy. Lord Robero Tardis, he's bigger on the inside. Lorat, Corey and Stephanie celebrate 20 years of marriage. I love you, babe. May we celebrate 20 more. Dr. Puntgusher Esquire missed the cats greatly while he stole 28 bananas from his week-long work retreat. A fan of Casper's character development, Would You, Could You with a Mouse, Kathy B, Rachel Neal, Moses Ramirez, CJ, Dominic Alvord, Chris, April Zitkovich, Megan A. Coppock, The Creature, Rusty Satellite, Alk and White Owl, Jason Pye, Burger Corps, His Royal Highness Prince Puppenheimer McStinkerpants, Heir to the Three-Ply Empire, Owen the Orgasmic Ostrich from Oldham, Bad Egg, Bran with the Pants that Dance, June is my Spirit Animal, Maple and Cronus, Benign Alien, Orion, Dilbert Weed, Medley71, Reluctant Dave, Scarlet Leopard, Bebo is not wrong, they are just waiting until they are right. Memzie, Spitboy the Spit Guy, He Spits. Demon Knight 016. Honey Cooper, Brookie, a.k.a. Dances with Cats. Mad Maddox, The Sorcerer Sanguine Says Brain Demons is an anagram of Brandon Is Me. Gabriel Strife is brought to you by Charlotte Brown, Gary Gygax, and the number 42. Gabriella, The Jasmick One, A plus K. Cory and Stephanie Celebrate 20 Years of Marriage. Sidron, Dammit Derek, David Kiesler

of the Cornville Kieslers, Elidia the Podcast Junkie, Inayad, Garfunkel, happily divorced Heather looking for a lady lover, have you fed your Neopets, I want to clockwork Mungo, James Harlow is the crustiest vato I ever witnessed, just some guy from Adelaide named Ryan, Kashak the Lizard Wizard casts Djibouti Gate, Mission Control banned me from fucking aliens, Patty the Ginger and his Bethany slaying Ginger Army, Positive Buzz Network, Sigmar sends his blessings to the Midnight Burger, Storyteller, USS Shag at Sea, Volpe the Space Fox is overjoyed hearing their name pronounced correctly on the first try. Who do you think you are? I am! Zach the Wayfaring Cryptozoologist, Alphonse, first of the MOCs, Lord of the Eight Stud, High Steward of the Black separator, member of the Ancient Brick Collegium. Cause it don't change my number. 8-6-7-5-3-0-9. Bunches McGinty and her pack of rescued demon dogs. B. Elzebub, Lucy Furr, and Abby Normal, if you want to know. Squeaky Squeakerton squeaks Von Squeakerson III, even though he's the first and only, aka Fake Noodle. All the mungos in the triad go. Dr. Punkusher Esquire has so many flowers he's giving them away down at your local record store. The Transdimensional Traveling L.M.T. I like big butts and I cannot lie. Mental Hinge. Chef Gal Val was on hiatus for a while and is currently playing catch-up. Stay tuned. Did somebody order the Chaos Goblin Supreme hold the anchovies? No, seriously, hold this bag of anchovies. It's really heavy. Pego is actually Daniel Pegoraro from the town of Torre di Quartisolo in Provincia di Vicenza in Italy. Sammy Lockalee and Sir Dr. Werther P. Worthington. The intergalactic house of cats demand a free Palestine. Can I have Zandria but just get Joe to go for as long as he can on the R? Sure. Zandria. A plus Douglas, Alexica Habanera, Alondra. August loves Tasha. Tasha is my cat and August is me. Cicada the multiversal bug god. Confused Dog, Early Morning Clouds, Eddie Eichmann, Chaotic Bananas in Four Low, Talon Lawson, Kirion the Asteroid Wrangler, Kyle Kaleesh, Leo, John316, boy! Mother Grimm, Nico Lund, QWERTY, Tall Tired and Nerdy, That Wacky Aunt, The Mysterious Woman, The 206 Project, Podge Art, Bess Bessie Bessica, Dim, Leif's brilliant but dyslexic little brother, Doyce the Truscan Union Rep Fenwick Happy Banana Birthday Lana Banana Kitty Pockets Molly Winter My Father the Milkman Pinstrike Algorithm Strikes! Rocky the Used Tardis Sales Iridian Shelby Welby Lives Forever

The Electric Tuna and Lady Fish in their Fishdom Theo at Home Two Sheep Toys We've been trying to contact you regarding your time-traveling dimension-spanning diner's extended warranty. It's not rocket surgery. Biro, the motherfucking dragon of the Shreveport, the motherfucking dragons. Cheap con, the real cheap con. Accept no imitations. Actually, never mind. Go ahead and accept other cheap cons. I'm sure they're good folks. Koko Yumi can only think of them as hot pockets. But Jolanth, Leif's one true love, and the bride Leif left at the altar. Dot, dot, dot. Need I say more? Kitty Pockets. Mama's Time Lord Robert, Ron and Misty Dawn, two souls just trying to order night breakfast in the wrong time, space, and dimension. Cone of Silence Consultants apologizes for its role in transporting the eels to Hood's Pocket. They were listed on the manifest as the singing Von Trapp family. Nyx Minx, Kelso the Great, Inaed, Silinxer. It's okay, just read my name once, then read a lot more Bethany's, Dave Clark, Teagan Rose, Michelle Smith, Andrea Beagle, Burden by Noon, Cuddles the Cat, Tsar Ptolemy, Morsa F. Jones, Melanie T. Lane, Mystics of Kadun, Professor Tuesday, Dr. Ava Maddox, Is Our Cat, H.E. Double Hockey Sticks, The Existential Bean, Mama Beth and Her Wheel Babies, Running the Giant Wheel, Cyrano Johnson, Troy Pugsley, Andrew Payer, Goth Squatch, Quellor the Liberator, Big J Rock, Stuart Lynn, Orb, Logan Fullerton, Kulva Gouvno, Rhonda Menard, Dear Ted Empire, Your Code Sucks, Have a Sandwich, Needs to Be a T-Shirt as an Anti-AI Battle Cry, Ava's Dying Pet Cactus, Dark Dream 95, Socialist Queers for Jesus, Taku, DJ, Harrison Sally, Lila Lost, Spooky 904, GART! Eden Gavin, The World Needs More Junes, Big Bunging Bernie Sanders Approved Beyond Burger, Leif's Third Doomsday Device, Ducky the Therapy Dog, Shane Snoke is a goofy enough name all by itself. The Bears are joining the Bethany War against the Bethany's bearing arms for the Big Foots on behalf of Bigfoot Benny and the Bigfoot Jets. Avalon, Drought Breaker, A Goddamn Harpoon, Pickle Pancakes, Charlie DeLambert, Michael Card, Raven the Neccoqueen, Spike Osorio, Benjamin Davis, Twyla Sands, Alexandra Scaldone, The Huak, Shenzo, Chris the Monster, Persephone Wattacore, Time-Traveling, Dimension-Spanning, Goose, Named Fig, Silinzer, Cressara, Fernando Alacuzzi, Wad of Gore, Not That Keith, Jordan Lawley, Some-Fucking-Swamp-Wizard, Skeksis, Royal Punk, Trisha Schaefer says, Ew, David, that is not a taco. Zeke, oh, Udon96, Ren the No, Latimer Lovelock of the Lacy Lady's Lovely Luxuries, Jizum Crow and the Holy Cow,

Tanya Fisher, Rainbow Goth Unicorn, Rango Corn, Our Lady of Crab Walking, Known, Nomad, The Human, Space Viking, Celestial Crow, Gavin Dees, Gavin Sailor, Neef de Princess and her Aunt Seuss Honey and Ember, Googles Galad, The Forgotten Storyteller, Mr. Wudu, Chris with a K, A cat and a lemon walk into a time-traveling dimension-spanning diner, Slangwort, Honey Badger in a trench coat doing crimes, Elmo's Chip Shop, Jay Cable, Cranky Old Organist, I, Joe Fisher, being of sound mind and acting of my own free will, do hereby confess that I am the Zodiac Killer, Jared Kosu, Leon Sporkfire, Pastor Jen Jensen, the Dick Wizard, Chris Goyer, Noise Squared, Ginger Bear's Honey Bunny, and their sidekick Wicklow, the Mount Hood Torygate, Mrs. Cashew, Julia Gulia of the Shreveport Gulias, Alex Drumbar, Stoner Pubby, and System University of Mihira and New Tideland. Inateb thought that they could spy in the Bethany War by spelling their name backwards, but it isn't fooling anyone, everyone. Sub-Arctic Turtle, DockU018, Mark Kayab-Yab, My Two Favorite Sheep Toys Say Hi from New Zealand, Bah! Namir, Sandalwood Mountain, East Coast Branch, Christy the Chaos Coordinator, Joshua Baker, Grant Blackburn, The Bean Count Bandit, A Margin Mage, Silent J, Geo, Buzz Balab, The Boom Guy, Boom! K-Man, Mimosa, David O'Banion, The Phantom of the Uxbridge Music Hall, Carmen L7, Dizzy Miss Lizzy, Mostly Harmless Alien, Logic Ledger, Kayla Soom, Right Behind You, Gonzalo Martins, World's Largest Ball of String, Bucky Chipmunk Reminds You That You Lost the Game, Hesthoden Neprythum, Flashcards, Nine. Yeah, the number nine. Arresting Place for Weary Beans, Shane Hopkins, Juniperb with the Backwards Knees, Eve in the Between Hour, Two-Faced Janice, Slight Burn, Scooter, Worshipper of the Seven Cat Gods, the Amethyst Dragon with Tiger Eyes, Martell McKinney, Ice Queen, Laser Girl and the Nurse, Where Are Our Ores, Catty B, Go Ask Alice, Wes Kester Saves the World, Valen's three cats stacked atop each other wielding a plasma gun, Jeffrey, Purple Nurple Nullifier, JP the Pizza Boss, Reaper's Past, Late Indeed Again, Rex, Cricket, and Frankie. Brigitte, Spadius, Squiddy. The Frosthunt Scientific Collective. Two of us have PhDs and the third has memorized all of Ava's dialogue. Champagne Super... 11-Letter Christopher, Antonia Ortiz, A Block of Ice, Huitlacoche is Corn Smut but Classier, Ren the Crescent, Erica Davis, Jane Doe, Magic Incognito, Lord Drez, Drakir, Blood Butler, Sandalwood Mountain North, Cryptic Amorphous, About 45 Degrees, Mandy, Big Cat Makes Kitten

Go Purr, Ted Ted and Teddy, Hi Bruce, enjoy your walk through the mall, Parker Berry, Don't actually say this part of my name. Just say my name, please. Dr. LL, your Jamaican fan, says Wagwan. Tula Blue and 142 Boogaloo. Pistol Pete and Death Lotion. Debbie Trencher, that one dude who likes tacos. Mark the list name, loser. The Male Escort. Lady Bethany, a.k.a. Mrs. Turkey Spit. Junior Barding, the father of Lucas. Ava Maddox's Ashtray. A Dorby's Vera Torkelson. Bones, Lizard Breath, and The Snot Rocket Would Love a Space Burger Andrea Rose Samantha Oram Caden Suda Bat Loves Dragon Tommy Johnson Unhip Fern Noodles by Godzilla Ralph Capone Corey 83 Blues Liz Wants Leif to Build Her a Plane Dude Named Blake John Caleb Williams Talius Keon An Eel Exchange Student from Midst Dabbertee Last Name Rattrick Ricklin Like Rich Land but without the D Dyer All Bethany's Must Do the Hustle Jordy Ladbrad Natasha Without Boris Frost and Alice Lobster Possum A Mostly Morose Ghost Eating Toast Hey Leander, Love You Kiddo Malort Boy Jinx the Cat Would Like To Offer You Biscuits Have A Zesty Day Megan Malcolm Edwards Spend My Money Irresponsibly Steven Drop Dana Thanielson Son of Dana Thaniel or Danny for short Chris Eaton Cross Stitcher Who Loves the Hobby and Time Travel Funch Brunglin Nash Likes Apples, Pneumatic Yeti, The Eldritch Skyfozoa, Wyatt Fryhover, Paul, James Bell, Dave Davison, Broom Goddess, Ricky Burnett, That New Guy, Da Savage Indian, Rad Boy, Jules Weeks, Calf, The Generous Patient Rose, John Wilkes Booth's Freedom Loving Horse, aka Jay Willikers, Neckbone His Imperial Dudeness, Oh Hey, It's Jay, Grimm, Off the Internet Wants Harriet to Know He Loves Her, Titan King 707, Rich Francis, Burger Kaspaspa, No Relation, Jedi Shaolin, Smart Alec the Great, Gas Station Cryptid, Deus Kashuk, Bird Bird the Bird's Bird, Papa Goose, Sometimes I Do Feel Like a Plastic Bag, Amanda Bills, Misty Word Power, Casper's Danish Moose, Flacco, aka Johnny R, the Disco Spider, Leaf Tracks, The Rise of Leaf, Chapter 2, the Ted Slayer Unchained, Vicky Hebert, Pike Daniels the Cosmic Whale, Zansatsu, Mr. and Mrs. Van Limberlost, Murdoch Wang, Caterpillar Farmer, Chimera, Don Moat, the space trucker Chadwick Coden Doyle III, Jody Green, Monster Senshi, Michael Peters, Political Knitter, Seasonal Sasquatch, Siantly Seeks Secret Society, So Special Souls Softly Sing Sweet Songs, Smartly Stirring Strong Stories, Physicist, Brendan Shoneman, I Divided by Zero and Now I'm undefined, ah! Leif the Horse is Here, Mag Tremor, Rod Stewart the Sailor Slayer, James We Met,

the Listless Enjoyer, Miss Maxine, Boy Got Them Honka-Honkers, Kevin O'Malley, Invisible Garilla, The Mrs. Poland, Zemaniac, Hop Loves a Thugbot Named Francis, Pam the Infinite, And Thou, Curiosity Is Eating Your Bones, Revolutionary Inclined Ocelot, Matt Howdler, Andrew Bear, Marius de Joa, Butterfly Fox, Riot the Tranny, The Fish Did Not Acknowledge Her, Irma the Llama, 27 Keep It Tight, Chip, Gloria's right-hand jack-in-the-box man, Giardin, Grim Knight, Pike Daniels the Whale, Anthosali's Bethany Maximus, Lord of Kingwood, Texas, Ragnar Jensen, Addison Weirdo Wagner, Shua the Druid, Is Composting the Rich for a Salad Bar, Araman 0305, smoke me a kipper i'll be back for night breakfast titus koslov ashes of a burnt out lathe i'm a kung fu panda on the wind brandon ar equals thor i love you all never forget that especially in trials and labusa's voice brightens my day the intergalactic house of cats demand a free palestine electromancer chekhov's space cannon cory census surf and turf telecoms i'm a jinn red and dusty with his garden goddess shelby morrison mystic monster for chaos ziggy dreadful Rave Hands Mally, G-Wing, Frank One, It Is Sparks, Lost Girl Lou, Chris B, Middle American Penguin, Shanna Welch, Crocheted Cosmos, Andy the Celestial Penguin, Jackie Orion, Bo Nunley, Ariana Castillo, The Tall Deer That Portends Great Change, Lita Mettinger, Marco, Friend, as in Your Best, Lime Ghost, M, Icky Blurgs, Jay the Erascible. The Magic Committee, Committee of Anything Magical, Ian Full, 345 Uneducated Swine Learning to Swing Dance, Nova the Fuck Accountant is Definitely Not a Tangle, One Intergalactic Year with Big Potato 99, aka The Rat Lady, aka Bumblebee, aka AK-47, Kai, Just a Little Guy, Ender Wright, Mark Nazawaritz, Xenia, The Capturer of Light, Theoretical Chemist, Chris Loves to Read, Katie Michalik, Greg Andrews Lyons, In Memory of Jason Reese, Get Your Butt Fingered, That Girl Gracie, Magnus Von Kaffenheim, Saucy Little Beast, Drewbert, Captain of the SS Beefy Tits, Longtime Lurker, Scooter, The Unlucky Son, Jennifer Myers, Lady Lazarus, Donnie Darko, Tim Shin, Caitlin and CT's Never Ending Podcast Adventures, Whisper Dan, Kio the Panda Puppy Forklift Operator, Ruby Cherries, Nick Faye, Buttholen, Justin and Amy Triplett Jen Sims Penelope Ring to the Motas The Leathermans Odd Commodity Jen Before Andrew Ho Leah Prime Gregory Santoro Mothmull Not the Fucky Fried Chicken Robert Drapiza Dimension Spanning Time Traveling Little Guy Iono Jonathan Tolbert Mr. Put It On 06 Hedgehog Hen Jackson Bell Katie Chambers Jay the Podcast Lover Dick Rickles

Chapter President Damn glad to meet you Malcolm Flynn Samuel Lee Josetron Prime oh my god i forgot to change my name from nicholas beckler to something more cheeky and fun arwin the freer throat goat 666 i am your father addy slawson inconceivable kai red rum 916 nick waycaster gotham still fucked up batman really ain't doing shit when you think about it no good monk rye yes like the bread sarman sayed john old grimbus matt knight bushager gavin mori damn Dimitri, Andromeda, Stephen the Choi, Gloria's Authentic Earth Coffee, Gabriel T, Can Someone Find Me the Parmesan? I Did This for Fun, Cookie Nibu, Axel Zapata, Jason McDonald, Orianda, Bean Dino, Philip Lenick, Hugh Jass, J2, Brian Montgomery, Artemis Record, Safa Aluzzi, Trev Brax, Gunnar Tweedle, The Bard Without a Ballad or a Mallet, Nazo, Platform Jail Mechanism Burn Museum Theorist, Hold Please, Kay Kayow, Empress Squishy Face of Greater Catopia, Anna Garcia, Goblin King, Rays of Noop, Kiki's Best Friend Would Like to Go to Breakfast, Yegor Luce, Terry Cadds Says Hello Ernesto, Leaf Tracks, The Rise of Lafe, Chapter One, Loaf Tracks Retires, The Dishonorable Prodigal Ilum, Sculliver, Sam and Shane, Ahsoka Likes Hugs, Going Anonymous, V, Ma Dukes, Ooh Chickadee, Dango Dale, Esty, Not the Website, At Every Moment and Every Corner of Every Possible World, There is always a way home, and it's already found you. Jao Paulo Lemos, Odd Keep, The Sentient Lighthouse, The Faceless Old Bethany Who Secretly Lives in Your Home, D. Shane, Tanya Fisher, Appalachian Death Queen, Zosifer Doggo of Doom, Burnt Barbecue Beef Brisket, It's Official, They're Called Thigronis, Kevin Winans, Marlon C., Just Whelmed, Madame Perry, Cherish Hellfire's Hellish Chairfire, Lichen Lady, Midnight Club, Cameron Agnese West, Knox, Lisa Liu, Emmett Hale, The Triad's Baddest Goblin, Emory and Lano, James Miles, Browncoats Love the Diner, House Chaos of the Critter Cacophony, Max, Nia, Ivan, and Mark will see you at 6. Open, open, open. No, wait, never mind, just Mark, and we make the world. Minion Simone Mimi Davis, Gaia Turtle, Wayne Barahona, We Will Not Rest until Puerto Rico and Palestine are free. Pluto Crow, Nissy's Mom, Pokésplort, Whiskey Rebellion and Gen Riot's Interdimensional Detective Agency, Treon, Shibu, and Griff, Slim Nandy, Goth Leif, Jen and Brit, Adriana Bartolomucci, Jonah is Gay, The Midnight Ashes, Hornetti, Balian Fair has retired and now raises herds of mungos. Hood's Pocket Protector. The artist formerly known as Unpaid Intern would like to congratulate Heather on her divorce and is thinking of getting one herself. Valkyrie Storm, Patricia Who's Always Late But Somehow On Time, DC Squirrel, Kyle the

Interstellar Highwomen, Shelley Act on the Verge, Gale Friend, Rubber Cake, Clover the Clown, The Sparky Tech, Prop the Croc-A-Gator, Ringleader Volt, Jazz Punker, Captain Tight Pants and the Companion, Renee N, Katarina de la Playa, RIP Eloise Waffles, The Floof Wrangler, Aki the Space Druid, Phantomland TTRPG Dice, Kate Toploom, Your Local Blacksmith, The Boggiest of Birches, Jason, HVAC Tech for the Diner's Deep Freeze, SK Phoenix, Glitch the Gamer Error, Zephyr, The Weffer Montgomery Foxworth, Mary Face, Luan Cherry, Peppermint Pearl, The Interdimensional Space and Tea Time Witch, Nicole Six Four, Amara Salazar, Banjo Buscalo, Full Beans, Glorious Forgotten Ford Festiva, Brand... and Right, Night Breakfast at the Midnight Cauldron, Force for Good-ish, The Ghost of Dave Brocky, The Judah, Slater Morales, Intergalactic Fry Lord, Gravity's Optional but Fry's Aren't, CJ's Big Barbecue Bistro for Bethany's, Angel Vasquez, Evil the Cat, Stephen Raymer, J. Carp Fishman, The Great Goblino, Low Oxygen, Save the Mungos, Joji the Birdwatcher, A Flock of Gray Horses from the Top of a Sycamore, Lilac Morcella, Rachel Krempa with Special thanks to my best friend, Lizzie, and my husband, Steve. Don't worry about the order, honey. Your tig old bitty yeen milf majesty. Temporal Hashbrown. Diane Brown. Captain No Sleep. Jamie, the OG happy hippie. Rainy. Reuben Eden. The Shreveport Bohannans. CC the Umbrella Mage. Bradbury Sasquatch loads Chekhov's gun and rides to join Bethany's army. Din. Cosmic ketchup. Lack of lifestyle. Joe definitely didn't forget about you, August. Moosey. Hood's pocket Gear and Sprocket Local Repair Cafe, Postmaster General Kwan Sent Me, Blake Basmagian, Nitwit 14, Roiled Way Too Harshly, DJ Johnny B, The Clop Man Diamond, Marco Montano, No Longer Doing a Bit, Shiny Fields, Adam Tachek, Christopher Wendell, Unproductive Banana, Pulsifer the Paulist of Paulism, Zombie Spider-Man, Bex 823, Auntie Cryptid, Barry Heap, Gas Mask Penguin, In the Hot Seat, Mime Ninja's Ninja Mime, Master Oogway, Barry, Dilly is Dallying, Futile Screaming at the Ocean, Fox Hatlin, Dylan Caroni, Pedro Vibresto, Slider, Malachi, Julian Rhodes, Maple Emily, the gayest library janitor in Indiana. Learn how to be calm in heart, Stumbly, I'll be waiting. Physic the Good Bush, definitely not one of the bad bushes, funding rebel Bethanies to overthrow the duly elected Bethanies. Hexadecimal Bethany is non-binary. Vapis 10's Big Black Gaping Hole. The planet Gubrius is still partying. We can't stop. Oh God, what have we become? Bruce. Jessica Gagoma. Torical. Jenny the Bear. Agurr. Sardine Thorne. Treach. Josie Jones. Mr. Fibble is very cross. Haute Potato. Dr. Mojo postulates the end list

endlessly splintering off as Bethany and Burt Burt's caboose until its end lists all the way Down, Blind Time Traveler Convention Date, L.A. Woman, The Phoenix Rising, New Name, God, no, not him, Jeff Andrew? Sure, Jeff Andrew, Cup of Noodles, Schmizzy Two-Shoes, Luna Nova, Nicholas Griffith, Justin Smallin, Riku31, Craig Dundee, New Type Without a Gundam, Astral Sea, Ickle Me Pickle Me Tickle Me Too, Witch Loud the Cartoonist, Guy with the Chops, Sam, Mitchell Yee, Bagel Knife, Imelda and Scott, Courtney Cochran, Lily Starling, Ryan Kay, Devin7777 has been my fave verbal stim for months, Nate, Chip, Radio Free Relia, Violin Loves Midi, Brian Pasley, Sue Wubasa, the Blue Chernobyl Dog Enjoyer, Grena, Piston Whip, Captain Ducky, Blitz Bell, Satsuma, Silius Goose, Dr. Jones, Icy Axe, Coach Shane of Toad Sucks Central, Go Cranes, Sky, Cole Arthur, Lego Croissant, Cassade, Norwin Murgler, Joe Cuppa, Dogma Mom, We Be Chopping Broccoli, Icy Fish, The Hacker Known as Ivy DeBurb, Blue Toon, A Feisty Ass Chickadee, Poultry Landmine, The Scrappy Poet, Jenny the Cryptid Paladin, Maverick Artist, Shit, It Was a Mimic, Basil in Their Tea, Waiting to Gossip with David, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley, Ainsley Michelle Spurgeon, Jack the Sleepy, Garrett Henderson Twote, Still Trapped, But I've Stopped Asking Why, The Freezer Is, I Am, We Chill, Son of Defarge, Wisco Teach, Give Peas a Chance, Samalama Ding Dong, Behold Lady Sarah Purr, Whisker Veil, Countess of Wood Hollow, Mistress of the Whispering Pines, and Beloved by All Creatures Small and Opinionated, Ricardo Galamba, Kari's Crafty Cloaking Devices, LLC, Hashtag We Weave'em of Gossamer. Penny the Wonder Dog and Bucky Von Buckbuck Medium Rare Extra Toasted Bun Saucy Caesar Belt Aspen is a Verge fanboy Ava's Favorite My Little Pony Pencil Wants Joe to Slap into a Snim Jim Mr. and Mrs. Drifter Representative of the Alaska Midnight Burger Tummy Time Chapter Nathaniel Lee Industries Lord Entropy Bok Bok Motherfucker The Fae Wanderer Everybody's Favorite Clown Splotchy Kosher Steak Flo Rida Alyssa's Shiny Pants Gondor Calls for Aid Arnold Rumspringa, The Demise of the Temple of Bethany's. Alan Berglund says, Hi, Mom. Rin the No, Kitty McSkull. Raven Stromdans, hapless novelist passenger of the dimensionally impermanent and temporally incontinent bookshop cafe The Wild-Eyed Prophet. Tessa Craig, Perfectly Personalized Disaster, Jim Turner, Lux Luminos, Javi De Niro, Big Chunk, Gadides, Boom Boom's Wooden Leg, Jilly Bean. Benjamin, Not Franklin, Tracy Baby, Leia, A Singular Nightbird, Bethany in a Green Field, I Am the Lizard Frantically Firing Flechette Guns, A, E, I, O, U, Y, and W, Bumblefay,

Mr. Epsilon, Long-Haired Matt, DJ, Robert W, Reelzebub, Cresamira, Jessa Loren, Myth and Stitch Embroidery Loves the Mucklewains, Lulu Louise, Dulio, The Brew Crew Family, Burt Ruba, Your Most Benevolent Lord and Master of the Multiverse, Jeffrey George, Ellie, Don't Tariff Me, Bro, Oopsie! Evelyn, The Wizard Mooses holds out their cat for you to pet. Grimlor, Ginny Waboom, Errant Popsicle Stick, M Horowitz, Isle of Refuge, Jack Spider's Mom, Bubble Butt Bethany has banana breath, Llama Fresh, Jare the Benevolent Destroyer, Valtiel Heller, Sad Little Earth Monkey, Revan the Red Beard Wizard, Burt Burt and the Funky Bunch, High Viscosity, Gender Fluid Slime, Bethany 2, Electric Boogaloo, Welcome to the Quan Pound, Pen, Pen, Pen, Pen, Pen, Pen, Pen. Mr. Muchacho Kaiserschnitzel has successfully recruited Sarah Murphy's cats for the Trouble Puffs Fight Club. The wolves in the deep freeze say, awoo! Sanctuary Moon's number two fans, insane clone posse. Alice Lewis, simply Amy Sue, I pushed her because Joe said so. Even older Liz, McBearcat, Grack Pinfeather, Sitican Druidic Scientist, Astro, your friendly neighborhood android. Moonlight Zombie Fox Old Doc Recy The Midnight Missionary Out There Somewhere Looking For Ya Rotten Ronnie Sleeps In Grandma Panties Artist Dragonborn Bigby Garage Bill Zangana Lester Joaquin Jimenez Big MF Juice The S.I.P. Muffins Space Wives Are Officially Verge and Deidre Chad Hatter Cosmic Tea Maker of the Triads Tell Your Cat I Said Banana Manaz A Corgi Called Kibble Cuddly Kraken Sarge the Bard Sominity LL Cool Mint Jams, Travis Roberticus, Ken Daddy, Lea Aizadi, Millie Was Taken, Dead2Me86, B Camp, Shanman Man Man, Karma Karma Chameleon, Kinran Says Hello, Zoe and Her Army of Mice, Briar Longlost, Daniel, Trixie Belle Dubois, Dr. Bootyologist The Glutes Doctor. Thank you for pressing too, your Anglophone Emotional Support Canadian request will be processed in the order in which it was received. Queen Surly Jess, RIP Lance McClain You Would Have Loved Midnight Burger, Adam Toklove, Dr. Bitchcraft, Sassy Cat the Space Vixen, Claire Rock, Jekka, Eros to God, The Size 2 Fish You've Been Looking For, Yokai, Borgia, Spiders Are Cuddly, The Main Immortal Pinball Sounds in the Diner, Cheel Neal, Sin City Scuba Steve, Poliwog, Michaela White, Elena Pickle, Wilbur Winklewright, Wristwatch Wrangler of West Worcestershire Riding through the desert On a horse named Pawtow Professor Thaddeus Snookums The Eighth, Mr. Grin, Glenn Petrovsky, This Moment of Silence So Joe Can Catch His Breath is brought to you by Rick Tyler, Elizabeth Hammond Steam Vision, Conductor of the Interdimensional Time-Spanning Hype Train, Dave Harold, Wise Cube, Bromine Pronounced bro, mine, main Hamdinga, Mother of Pearl, Fiona

Now Owns Leif's 18-inch Peter Seal Face, Rigor Mortis Megan's Things, Things Megan Makes, Coilane, Trebek's Reject, Prophet of the God of the Mucklewains, Darth Ox, Michelle Kay, Aaron Arnold, Boyoyoyoyoyoyoying, Mamamander, B-Roz, and Sluntmaster J, Alpacalypse, Spokane, Doesn't Suck, Elliot Paints, Undead Akira, The Lord Reverend, Ryan, Thomas's Ten Tenebrous Tan Staffel Tippers Treading Treacherously Tantamount to telling totalitarian trope termination tales. The Lovely Laura Lovely, Kith Gamgee, Sam Wise's Flamin' Cousin, Dariel, Jeremy the Ruler, Gochi, Charles Robert Darwin III, Esquire, PhD, Jacob Mitchell, Zeke in the Box, Stevie Crowhill, Ola Millikan of The Welcome Wagon says, E Cabo, The Adventures of Magpie and Brown Bear, Scrubs, Remy, The Panda Crew, Melody Prime, Beardo the Wizard, Captain Benjamin Hawkeye Pierce, the German shorthair pointer from Nashville, wants to tell his mom Maddie that he says, woof. Whiskered, any two hands for the double high five? Marissa the Ghost, local snowplows in your area are dying to meet you. Rutherford B. Chesterfield and his dapper companion Winchester. Cheshire Corgi, Stray Cat, Ol' Kelsey No Shoes, Zoldia, Dizzy Flame. We Serve Everyone Eventually. Sasha, Beth and Alan Van Gillis, Langston North, Sly Fox, aka Br'er Rabbit, the constantly lost geographer, Timothy Aotis. Chance wants you to know he cares. Wolf Stark, Elliot, Hobbs Decoe, Natalie Bartlett, Rory of Yin, Mubi the Golden Calf, Suda Satoshi, Giovanni Salinas, Rocky G, Perry the Pirate, Aaron Elizabeth, K-Narcotics, Solomon Price, Daydream but evil, Bubba 485, a.k.a. Schemmelbach the Christmas Whale, Kaiju Sommelier, Stella Corvus, Jesus Garcia, J.P. the IT Guy, Candyman Fight, John Peters, you know, the farmer, Barkley on the Holodeck, Dapper Dad, SCP-049, O Magis, Raven the Dreamer, TK Turtle King, Mike M, Space Based Lasers, Captain B and Lady G with their swabs, Marla Madam Lotus still especially loves Finley, Mr. Steamwave, My Friend the Rhino says, be nice. Hoop challenge. Dream Founder, I'm your Huckleberry, Elizabeth T, Ty-Ty the Wonderhamster and her dear darling Duke, Grandpa Gus, Boombastical Kimlicker, Hug-a-Muffin, Bigfoot of Doom, D.L., Annie Atkins, a bounty hunter called the Crandy Man. Garo, my cats say to tell you, meow. Think fast, chuckle nuts. Flashbanged. Benjamin Ortiz, Mr. Frog President. Poprock Quicksand, Mr. Squizzle Sizzle Whizzle Fizzle the Horrendous apologizes for conspiring in the Bethany War. Invites for tea are being sent now.

Abanasso, Mr. Rage, Attalore, Trans Space Dinosaur, Spooky Spader's Storytime, William Kent, Andy, The McJimmy's from Your Local Dimension, Ryan Abbey, Thomas Adams, Drink Spiller, Stephanie Buk, Entropy Eigenbasis, Andrea Crowther, Martin Deers, Kevin Daughtry, The Flower, Two Daddy Jazz Hands from Mouse Toots, Dan Gentry, I hope something good happens to you today. Yes, you. Naya Venturi, The Beloved Yet Borderline Inappropriate Empire of Dr. Thunderbutt and Lady Christabel, Justin Wiley, Brett Zimmerman, Arrow Jones Jubal, Xavier Killingsworth, Lane Kiffin-Is-A-Ho, Mimetic Hygienist, Aaron Star Joshua Damien, and Sentinel of the Star System, Claude DeClaws, Spunky Dan, Rachel Seymour, Ed Boy, Ryan Finnelly, Jonathan Kay, Pearl Null, Petabyte Avatar, Tugwin the Mighty, Project Octopus, Ken, Chibs1012, Scotty Oates, Byrotron95, Dance Break. Speaku, the Bracken system in its home world Ren, Simply Tony, it will always be Finley's work hole to me if you know you know, Gabrielle Castellon, whom, what, when, where, and why is what all Thigronis say while listening to Midnight Burger. A drum major and a trapeze artist walk into Connie's bar. Sir Party Animal. Uloy Jackal. Are you sure you might rob the Nancy Sinatra? Court need to leave it alone if you want to live. Must be a witch. Cat with a K. My Thigroni has a first name. Stoppenstein L. Mustachio. Lucafer Hezekiel. La Chihuahua Brava. Adalyn Peets. Cece Carousel. Korth the Destroyer. Honest Puck. Casper's Mom's a MILF. Scout and Foxglove says The Floor is Lava, Unexpectedly Blue Red Nell, Kordomsky, Craig Armstrong, Plastic Fork, Dulcet Deleche Studios presents Under the Truscan Sun, Get Out of My Booth, Bug, Propagator, I Hardly Know Her, Sad Angry Crab Man, Chuck McFinley, Effie and Zebulon's trans great-granddaughter Hazel Hayes, Velocity Girl 42, Little Dragon in a Cauldron of Bats, Ben Carlyle, Flat Steve's Love for Grand Theft, Anna Kearney, Tater Tata,

Assassin, Four Schnauzers of the Apocalypse, Starblaze Burnbright, Imzukioki, Spotted Rhino and Her Hand-Me-Down Frogs, Red Mafia Panda, Lonely Isle, Kai Dallow Headphones, Hinkle, Pikeman Stover, Fondella Stover, Pikeman Stover's Wife, Alexander the Boss, Skrizzles, Flap, Kitty Kitty Kitty, The Firekeeper, The End Is Nigh, Jeremiah the Cancelled, Librarian Alex, Spike and Faye, Johnny Ellen West and the Boys from the Dwarf, Speedy McSpeedy, Eli, Wolf, Auntie Becky is owned by Five Rescue Cats, Speckled Unicorn, Jedi Rides Again with Nova the Space Pirate, Tevin Longblade Shortsword, Forget Normal, A Damn, CJ Johnson, A Dragon Sitting on Its Horde of Dice, Wendell Whitaker, Chumbo Wumbo, Pikachu, Smivey, Glowbed Roulette, Andrew Fuller, Ban Mi Hung, The Soup Witch, Fetishini Alfredo, Cowboy and Sasquatch Hunts Bethany's, Pebbles, VV, Effie Rawlings, Megan Hazen, Philip Your Dad Is Not Your Dad, Nick Borrow, Midnight Plumber, His Royal Highness Mr. Hamilton Underfoot Kitty I, and Accomplice Princess Penelope, the Marchioness of Mischief and Maven of Mystery, Megan Gentry, Mr. Cherry, Our Ass is in the Jackpot, Tubby Teddy, Wayne Heiser, India Inkblot, Slev of Bahamut, Omi Gracie, Dalton Jenkins, Kat Holtz, CalArt and the Tired Knight, The True Mega Mike, Fred and George, Ava Maddox Jr., Liza Wirth, Cass Williams, Christy, Yeet My Boy, 46 Toolshed 2, and L. Marie Catastrophe, The Image Collector, Blended Music, Definitely Not Kevin, Sitting Squirrel, Patricia E. Melt says in a world of slugbots, Be a Hugbot, Red the Gray, The Silver Crow, Couch Potato Alex, Neverchild, Dr. Nassos, Interdimensional Biologist, Kiboko Dunord, Kosamine, Theodrax, Joey B, Lucas Bardin got his barber to listen to Midnight Burger, Little Debbie Cupcake, Taryn says, hey, Oreos are rabbit, Sandalwood Mountain offers peace for your soul, Whimsical Fuckery, Megan with an H, Patricia the Time Lord, Mango Connoisseur, The Big Moose and his wife, The Little Moose, That Old Glory Cole, G.L. Miao-Naze Cat Butler, O'Sheen Liu, Alex Berry, Andrew Oakden, Asymmetrical Exile, Churro the Space God, Eliza Travels the Universe, Lindsey Bowen the Goddamn Podcast Lawyer, Alex Spruce, Dr. D. Birdclaw Spweather, and Mrs. Dubaptewe Birdclaw Spweather want to say hello to the whole Spweather family. I Lost My Galaxy Britches in a Game of Pants Darts, Angry Ron, Dominus Caesar, Dirk Adub, Gloria's Ex-Girlfriend, Kelly Clickspring, The Wild Thistle, Most Likely Cass, Jasmine James, Dr. Caberand, also known as Omni, thanks Waffle Chateau, Colorado Beekeeper, Fruitcake, Zephyr's Wife Has the Hots for Zebulon, Zembria, Jennifer Calkins, Midday Burger, Dawn Parks, ThroatGoat666, Oh My God My Dad Found Out About My Patreon Name,

Princess Leia, Fish in a Bag, September, Previously Observed in the Pattern, Prime Freak, Protector of the Scottish Realm, Little Lord Stevie Pie, Droid Pirate Finley and his Rubenesque Parrot, Droid Pirate Finley and his Rubenesque Parrot, Stuck in a Pit of Skittles, Sea Squatch, Deflater Mouse, Tony Piekarski, Adrian R., The Devil from Table 12, Javier, Crazy Thadley, Cremulus is just happy to be here, The Twisted Twigster, Real Housewives of Seagius, Fae Queen, Oop Schnart the Probability Demolition Expert, Showtime, For My Mother, CCTX Girl 6823 Waiting on the Diner, Nicole Studioso, Sign my shovel, your access is granted. Kay the Flying Penguin honks at the horde of Bethany's encroaching on their nest. Honestly, this is getting absurd. Truck Stop Sandwich, Indigo Escargot, Love My Captain, Joe Mauma, Wandering Biscuit, Castriff, Aims Affection for Internet Protection, Retro MG, NightScript, Widget the World Watcher wearing a waistcoat and wig, Uhtred and Rose's Viking Void Vitals fueling the intergalactic fight against fascism, yeah not sure what I'm doing, River Brown, Senior Deuce, Warped Writer, Tim Nacy, Ruben Clamso, Turwin, Morgan Brockman, Sylvie, Friendly Neighborhood Fire Protection Engineer, Skullbulb, Dustin Watson, Betty White 813, Randy Supreme and Queen Lancaster, Bolivar Shagnasty, The One True Cheap Con, Starscribe, Lucian Thunderstruck, Ho-ho-ho-ma-ma, Glorbnar 7, now granting refugee status to victims fleeing the Bethany Wars, Duzer now identifies as Roman Durge, The Other Adele, Leah Hall, Sarah May, Silly Willy Bubblebutt, Sierra Not-From-Arkansas, Ebenezer Boob, Caleb Tumiala, Jason Woods, Arnie Arbuckle Esquired, Potion Maestro, Nebula Linnell. Regulators, mount up. Wandering Scholar. Mad Yogi Eileen. A Cat Named M. Petito Pato. Pallas. Big Mo. I am Annie. I live forever in every moment I've existed. I swear to every star in the cosmos, I never forgot it was a gift. The Stone Fox. Sylvia. Pepitos. Henry the Goose. Jennifer Baumer. Ninja Grim Reaper. Miles Nelson. I am a bomb till I think of something else to do. Brrrrit Words Hotshot Huntley Momo's Mama Space Mormon Says What? Ivy Paisley Toast Sue Watts Myrtle Caitlyn Leader of the Unicorn Revolution Matlock Lord of the 13th Sea The Fourth Era Printing with Cats Khaleesi Del Mar Von Vega Dixie Dinah 7,000 Possums KBS 1017 Silas Vex Sarah Jack Sparrow Space Pony Revibe Debbie E Dusty Ventures and his pilot Uzi Drifting Through Space Ronnie Porter, Gloria's line cook, Eagle Rock Lobster, The Gabbiest Painter, and Her Bird of Fire, Painted Oni, Q-Del, Pharrell, Emily with Two E's, Spaceman Nathan, Ramsey's Niblick III, Kerplunk Kerplunk, Whoops, Where's My Thribble, Jackie Wavelet, Yayoi Gagarin, A Gremlin with

the Munchies, Michelle Scaracchio, Genuine Jacob, Space Rooster Randy, Leopard Donut, Poofy Thang, Mellow Nuggets, Keychain Crap, Steelo, Bumbling Lilybee, A Quick Pause So Joe can sip from his tiny teacup you know if you don't trim a tea plant it can get up to 50 feet tall same thing with children Panda, Kennedy Allison Farner, the perpetually tired transgender time traveler, Tristan Stolls, Dalen Y, Shadow Rapture, Yet Another Nicole, Hank the Wonder Llama, Arcraft, Russell, Zephyrus Wind, The Ornamental Hermit, Jay to the Lynn, Just a Regular Fox, Jeremy Impson, What the Hell, Cineplex, and All the Black People in North Carolina, Just Rachel, Waffles, Waffles, Waffles, Danger Girl, Atlas Bear, Eva Cigarette Ash, Hugh Biftit, A-Zeus, Anaphylaxis, Scav with Comtax. The shape-shifting sad girl and her girlfriend say, Joe, you've done it again. Sarah Nicole. The Kells fights with the Bethany's. Angry Leafs laser saw. Magnus Aerochill. Amy Perry. Christopher Kai. Source decay. Descendant of the weather catfish whisperer. Vagabond Mary. Bold Mouse. Katie Mermaid and the delinquent duo. Nauman. Nicole. Victor Schauberger reincarnated as White Mountain Hillbilly Glitter Cupcake. Max Dangers. Security Chief Schatzi. The Anxious Peach, Team Michelle and Billy, Nea Nix Reno, Frankenator, Nordlebash, Jordan, Arwen X Belasco, Ryan Rosinski, Average Height, Medium Rage, Audio Monkey, Joe, Team Hefeweizen, Kay. In the mysterious AZHQ, I'll grant you that we have a multiplicity of Mike's, a jumble of James's, a trifecta of Tony's, one of whom still wants to be Leif, but sadly, no Bethany's. Rowan, Vady of the Black and Herald of the Stars, Arianne Can't Manage Normal, Ryan Burnett, Dr. Dr. B, Zoprez and the Bumble Army, Growing Into My Farm Boots, Superbeth Becomes an RN alongside my bootstup farm friend, Geneva Boss, Arkansan Not Ark and Sawyer, Brothers of the Cosign, Uncivil Gnomes, The Rat Queen Evelyn, Great Lunch Conversation, Captain Scott, Letty Lou, Kinger Was Here, Bobby Ray Winland Jr., Be-bop-be-dabba-doo-wop, Warped Echoes, Slabs McTerps, Jeremiah Franco, Justin, The Nick of Time, Gothic Rainbow, So We Made It, Cody McClure, Eternal Companion, Maxine Lazot, Jingolos, Eris, Goddess of Nobody, Hazmatilda, Ditsy Bay, Just Your Average Reese, Kyle Church, Static Ego, Lolly, Evan M. Dobson, Dave B., Nobby, Your Friendly Neighborhood Pathologist, Going to Be Lit, Captain Emerald L., Wayne Hall, Danny Mars, Externally Screaming, But Bethany, I Made Biscuits, Skebo and Fuzzle McBumpernitz Neelix Tiny Wolf Christina Senatis Teleporting BRB The Shanes are not organized enough for a war but there is a growing number of us and it is concerning Definitely not an android, seriously I'm not The Wandering Welshman Whatever Tabby Carolyn Harper Nikolai Tolkachev Z3DT Shy Sparrows BLTN

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