Muse

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Bill, why is my eye twitching? Does this mean I'm in perimenopause? Where's my phone?

Juliana, maybe we can ask an actual human.

Yes, because I have questions and I bet you do too. Like, is it normal to sleep in separate bedrooms? We do that and I still need to know why my poop's been green.

We've got actual people answering these exact questions. Listen to Bill and Juliana.

The podcast.

On the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your podcasts.

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Oh, I was looking up at the next segment. I got to do a costume change for this next segment here. We got to, I'm sorry. You know what we're doing? We're doing confessions. We're going to go. We haven't done confessions in a while.

Wait, but this one has to be nasty confessions. Nasty confessions? Well, I guess we could do anything.

Like nasty, like we're going to get ourselves in trouble nasty or what is it?

No. Okay. So I don't even know.

I'm putting on the priest outfit.

My girlfriends and I are on a group text, and sometimes we just, like, get super slappy-happy, and I don't even know how this came up, but one of my girlfriends was having, like, massive stomach issues yesterday, and so just for spits and giggles, she texted all of us that her farts smelled like an animal crawled out of her body.

Oh, wow.

That's a big thing to admit publicly to people, right?

Oh, that's not the kind of confession.

Well, so then I confessed that I did something that I always yell at my little guy, Smith, for.

I flicked a booger. No, you did not. Which hand? This hand. All right. Don't touch. Note to self. Yeah. Don't touch him. That's right. I was laying on my couch. Ficked my nose. I didn't have a tissue so I just flicked it. Are you scared you're going to step on it later? Like, just flicked it any direction? A blind flick? Like, yep. Ugh. Bo 80. What's your dog's name? I really hate fucking topic. All right. Don't try to pretend that you're the one that doesn't pick your nose.

Lydia? I don't know if I could put up with nasty, sick stuff like that.

All right, fine. Just any confession.

Can we do any confessions?

Any confession is fine. Yeah, any confession is fine.

Oh, my Lord. These are my confessions. All right. Hold on a second here.

We need the church music. Yeah, church music.

I got it. Hold on a second here. Hold on.

And the church choir begins now. Yo, baby, mama.

Where is it? What is it? Oh, here it is. Here it is. Hello, my children. 844-MOJO-LIVE. 844-665-6548 we want you to get anything off your chest this morning that you've been hiding from people that might be something that will clear your conscience 844-665-6548

wife until the tissues white I drank too much wine when I was little drunk use white wipes as well to be especially clean by the way Lydia

Yeah, make sure that they say, bless me, Father Mojo, for I have sinned at the beginning of this thing, too. 844-665-6548, 844-MOJO-LIVE.

want you to call us up and i want you to tell us your confessions we want you to don't feel bad about what you're saying because people have said worse i can guarantee you that i will voice disguise you yes if you need to be voice disguised i gotcha i'm not gonna lie to you guys what we've had we've had a couple of the confessions that have come through to us lead to follow-up calls from law enforcement. And we love it.

Put on the hat.

My hat is missing. Somebody stole it?

It's been missing for like four months. I think somebody threw it away.

Somebody threw it away. I'm going to order a new priest outfit, Pope outfit. So instead, I'll put it on. I got father bonnet. I've got my hair bonnet on. Actually, I do look like some kind of a thing. I know they got Pope. You've got a pope, cardinal, bishop, altar boy, priest, deacon. There I am. I don't know what religion has hats like this.

Guys, I'll ready these calls.

Here we go. Voice disguise. Initial O. Are you there, O?

Yes. Bless me, Mojo, for I have sinned. Father.

Yes, my dear. Go ahead. Let me hear your confession.

Well, I've been divorced for eight years now, and I was living with my ex, and then he kicked me out after seven years, and I decided I had to go to the bathroom really bad, and I was next to his car, and it was at night, so I took a crap and a bag, and I tied it up and put it in his car.

Really? Oh, my God.

Did you, like, hide it so he couldn't find it in the car?

he asked me about it he thought he accused me and i said that wasn't me i said you leave your car open somebody else must be mad at you it's not me i said you've known me all these years

30 years and i've never done anything like this oh my god so you've lived with this forever that you crapped in your ex's car i love that gaslight him babe gaslight him that feels good though

doesn't it feel good to get it off your chest i feel so relieved i'm laughing a belly laugh

That is honestly one of my favorites. Thank you for the call. I appreciate you so much.

Make a duty. All right.

Ray, are you there?

I'm here.

Hi, Ray.

Good morning.

No, no, no, Ray.

No, no. No, restart.

You have to say, bless me, Father Mojo, for I have sinned.

Oh, bless me, Father Mojo, for I have sinned.

Thank you, my dear. Go ahead. Let me hear your confession.

So a couple years ago, my brother got married, and they invited my ex-boyfriend and his girlfriend. And I set up the wedding party the night before, and I put their silverware in my pants.

Why did you put your silverware in their pants?

i kind of let's say i uh dirtied them you don't like them huh no they only knew this boyfriend from me it's not like they were friends with him that's weird in the first place but yeah and you sit there and watch them use it too didn't you nasty it was it was his wife she was evil and she's like we're gonna invite her make her uncomfortable but they you win

unbelievable by the way Shannon you started these you started off by talking about your stuff hold on

F

your voice disguised F hi

hello I don't know bless me father mojo please

yes F hi go ahead F

All right, so I religiously, as a door driver, door dash driver, I will eat people's food if it's open. If the bag's open, I feel like it's only right. F, how dare you?

How dare you do this? Where's your favorite place to pick up deliveries and drop off at?

I think Popeye's. Popeye's.

Wait. What do you do? Do you peel off, like, pieces of the breading and just start eating that?

If it's open, for instance, the fries, the chicken. Ah, it's terrible. All right, listen. Hey, don't call the scouts on me. You got to leave me out of this.

We won't. All right, thank you. I don't want him door dashing. By the way, if I have a door dasher with a...

the name f on there i'm not gonna ever accept his stuff uh w are you there w i am hi welcome

to mojo confessions go ahead bless me father mojo or i have sinned yes my son how are you yes so years ago i used to be a corporate trainer for a restaurant used to travel all over the u.s opening restaurants well my buddies and i used to record ourselves sneaking into the laundromat at the hotels recording ourselves sniffing all the panties of the of the female trainers we used to work with and we had a whole archive of probably 30 different hotels that we

did it at you are a sick son of a bitch excuse my language dear god you are sniffing the panties of the girls? Yes. Oh, my God. Did that get you guys pleasure, or was it just for giggles?

Yes.

Oh, God. Both. Did you keep any?

No, no. You lie, so lie. You lie, you lie.

You got a pair right now. Oh, my God.

And this is when the phones didn't have much room to store all the videos, but, yeah, we had a big old archive.

Unbelievable. I've never been a panty sniffer in my life. Or my own panties. I usually just see if they were used than I before. I wonder what the bump on his lip is from. Some of these calls. Why? Hi, why?

I don't know if we can say this.

What's going on?

Okay, sorry. Bless me, Father Bajo, for I have seen it.

Absolutely. Can you do me a favor? Instead of saying the word that you're going to say, I want you to say what can he say?

He had fun with himself.

I had fun with myself. Go ahead. Yeah.

Oh, okay. So I had fun with myself. So my the roommates I was staying with we had an agreement we would split the cost on food. That fell apart. We started doing our own thing and they ate my cereal one day. I told them not to do that, not do that. They did it again. So I got up for work one morning. Are you know what I say now? Whenever I went out this morning.

Oh, and wait.

You had fun with yourself?

You had fun with yourself?

Oh, you know what?

Into the cereal?

Yeah, into the milk.

Oh, my God.

This is a legitimate crime.

And they used it?

I thought it was wide open, so I can't even sing. Oh, my God. I cannot believe that.

What kind of cereal were they eating?

It was Life Chex Mix.

Life Chex Mix. Put a little nutmeg in it. Secret eating. Hey, why?

She woke up that morning.

Did you? Yeah, and they used it?

Hey, just before I left off of work. Did you?

Did you watch them enjoy it?

Watched them eat the bowl in front of me.

Were you laughing or what were you doing?

I couldn't laugh. I was just sipping a cup of water. But he said, you know what? We can eat really healthy in this house. This is the life cereal. This is the best.

All right. You are a bad human being and you are going to hell. no matter even if you just confess that to us. I just want you to know that.

And he ate my cereal.

He ate your cereal.

Those are not equal.

By the way, Life Cereal could be the worst cereal ever.

It was a cinnamon Life Cereal.

It was a cinnamon Life Cereal. I ain't all of it. By the way, it wasn't the old thing, I think back in the day, there was Mikey Likes It, wasn't it, something like that, for Life Cereal? I think that was it. Oh, yeah. Was it that or was it Kix? I don't know. It was one of those cereals. One of those healthy spots. Yeah. All right. I think I'm done with this, by the way. Can we get one more?

There are so many. Some of them are so bad. Like, everybody likes sticking things in their pants.

I liked it when we had people, like, that were robbing banks and things like that. First confessions. I don't know if I necessarily like when they're doing things with their bodily functions. I'm done. I think we're done.

We're stupider than hell. This is Mojo in the Morning. They've taken over cities before. But this July, they're bringing the X Games League Championship home to New Orleans. July 24th through 26th at the Superdome. Over 100 elite athletes.

Athletes competing for the first ever league title. Plus, Metro Boomin, JID, Subtronics, and Bunt performing live. New Orleans doesn't just host a moment. New Orleans is the moment. Get your tickets now at xgames.com.

Bill, why is my eye twitching? Does this mean I'm in perimenopause? Where's my phone?

Juliana, maybe we can ask an actual human.

Yes, because I have questions. And I bet you do too. Like, is it normal to sleep in separate bedrooms? We do that. And I still need to know why my poop's been green.

We've got actual people answering these exact questions. Listen to Bill and Juliana.

The podcast.

On the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your podcasts.

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