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Mojo in the morning On channel 955 in Detroit 104.5 SNX in Grand Rapids And 92.5 KISS FM in Toledo What did you use instead of toilet paper?

A tampon

To wipe your butt?

I was in a jam There was no toilet paper I had to think of something I remember somebody on this show Was it you, Shannon? Somebody said they used a sock once.

I didn't use a sock, but I have on more than one occasion used a bounce dryer sheet that was in my garbage. Oh, God.

Oh, there's chemicals on that. Well. No. Well, if it's been in the garbage for a period of time, the chemicals might have worn out. Like, it already went through the dryer. Oh, my gosh. I would never put that on your privates. And your booty now is April Fresh. What is the slogan for bounce?

I don't know. What is the slogan for bounce? I don't know. Yeah.

You don't have-

That's what my butt smells like in case you ever want to.

You walk into the studio and you start shocking us all the time. You need to start using that more often now because that will probably help against the shocks that we get.

What do you use when you don't have any toilet paper? I was stuck in a situation. I slept over at my girlfriend's house this weekend where I realized after I did my business, there was no toilet paper. And so I went looking under her sink and I'm like, there's nothing here. I didn't want to use one of her towels or something Because I would probably do that in my own house The relationship is too new I'm not going to ruin one of her towels I'm not going to scoot across your carpet like my dog When he has to wipe his butthole So I realized, oh, there's tampons in here I can just do the applicator thing Push the plunger thing and use the cotton tampon Wait, you didn't flush them down the toilet, did you? No What did you do? Well, her trash can was lined with a plastic trash bag, so I knew I can then just take the whole thing and put it in the trash. Good Lord.

How long have you been dating this girl? Eight months. That you have to, you went poop at her house, you used up her tampons, which, by the way, are expensive, aren't they?

Yeah, they're pretty expensive. That's not as expensive as throwing out a hand towel.

And then you walked out. Why did you not scream to her?

She was still asleep, and she sleeps with her son in his room when I sleep over. So I have my own room, and then she sleeps with him. So I didn't want to scream and alarm anybody and wake. And it's opposite side of the apartment.

Do you know where she keeps things in her place?

Well, I was not going to run naked through her apartment for fear of the sun coming out and being awake or whatever, because he's an early riser. Pants around the ankles. Yeah.

Pants around the ankles and duty coming right out of your booty.

Like I said, I was trying to, like, quickly and quietly take care of the situation myself.

By the way, is that not the worst thing that happened in a relationship when you're dating? To go to the bathroom and they don't have toilet? That was a four-alarm fire.

I was like, I got to take care of all this.

That's why I just don't poop in those situations.

Oh, my gosh. Nature called, and I was like, okay, I got to take care of all this. Suck it back in.

What color sheets, or not sheets, but what color towels does she have?

She's got those horrible, those Turkish towels, or real fancy ones that I don't know how to describe them.

What color are they?

Like off-white.

Okay. Because that would ruin them.

No, I was not going to do that to her towels.

Because then you could throw a load in.

I had to throw a load in.

Throw a load in the washing machine.

No, I just wanted to take care of business, put it out in her trash can. The washing machine. You did.

I'm a Midwesterner.

Got it out in her trash can before anyone even knew I was awake. Hey, listener Megan, what's going on?

Hi. You guys just made me think of the movie Along Came Polly when Ben Stiller had to use the toilet and there's no toilet paper. So he used Jennifer Aniston's grandmother's, like, doily towel to wipe his butt in the toilet. I forgot about that.

Oh, God. It's my worst nightmare.

It's, like, my favorite scene.

Well, and I would, like, maybe I would have just used, I didn't even have, like, I had one change of clothes. We were going to our broadcast that morning. So I didn't even have, like, where I can, if I was just going home, maybe I would have used my boxers and then just threw them out or put them, wrapped them up. up and taking them home to wash but i was going i needed the every every all the clothes i was

wearing i needed to wear to our broadcast if you used your boxers you would have taken them home and washed them you wouldn't have just thrown them away it depends on then there's poopy boxers

in her garbage can i would yeah it's a lose-lose yeah i can't leave any evidence in like so i i was like it depends on also very clean poopy it was like one of those uh what do you call it the I missed the ghost poops where you really didn't, probably didn't even need that to wipe if all things, but I had to make sure.

Was it a full bath or a half bath?

Full bath.

Get in the shower, weirdo.

I had already showered. I was ready. Like in 10 minutes, I was leaving for our morning show broadcast.

There's no limit on how many showers you can take. Take another one.

No, I didn't have the time to re-shower, re-get dressed, all that stuff.

So I got a lot of investigative questions on this one. All right? I love this. Because honestly, this is one of those things where I always want to-

I assessed the situation as quickly and thoroughly as I could.

All right. Hold on. Investigative questions.

Yes.

So you pooped in her toilet. She did not have toilet paper. You used her tampons. Yes. You threw them in the bag.

Just one. It was such a clean wife, I realized I was in a good situation.

Very lucky.

Here's a question.

You say that you took the bag out and threw it away. Did you go to the, like, does she live in a house or an apartment? No.

I took the bag. She lives in an apartment.

So what did you do with the bag?

I took the bag with me, and then when I stopped for coffee on the way to our broadcast, it went in the dumpster. In your clean car, you neat freak. It was in a plastic bag tied and locked at the top. Could you smell? No. No, and I took it to the dumpster by the coffee place. Are you saying your poop don't stink? It wasn't poop. It was so clean, there was no remnants.

Which dumpster was this? I want people to know what dumpster you're dumping your duty in.

I left a gift in the city of Lake Orion. I appreciate you guys, but it was just convenient.

Oh, my God. That's the worst.

Well, it's an emergency. It's not my normal habit. I was stuck in a situation.

You're an extremely anal retentive person, no pun intended, but are you anal retentive over the fact that she does not have a spare toilet roll in the bathroom? Did you guys have a conversation about that?

Because I, well, we didn't have a conversation about it yet. I'll just ask her next time I'm there. I'll go, oh, I noticed there's no toilet paper. Because I didn't want to associate it with the crime scene and what happened. Because then she would notice, wait a minute, she might connect. Where'd the plastic bag go in the trash can? And then I'm going to have to confess to my crime.

You shouldn't have talked about this on the radio.

She's going to roast you.

Well, here's the thing. She thinks, oh, he took my garbage out. What a nice guy. You know what would be worse than that?

If she thought, why did he use one of my tampons? There's one missing.

what kind of freaky stuff is he into i hate by the way when i go to like people's homes and they don't have like the extra roll somewhere oh my god if you go if you come to my apartment

i have 20 rolls under each sink in all the bathrooms because i just first of all we all bought way too much toilet paper last year but also i don't ever want anyone to be in that

situation like there's always going to be extras for you yeah i i like it i like when they have it and they they keep it there and they even have like the decorative thing that covers up the

grandma used to crochet the little thing like yeah like there's something they put

or if you're saying a hotel and how the hotel has like one behind yeah

Like, it's kind of nice when that happens.

It's all wrapped up. People need to have that in bathrooms. One of these days, karma's going to catch up to Spike for all his phone scams. But laugh at it anyway. It's this morning at 7.50 on Mojo in the Morning. The official language of football is trash talk. Late night group chats, memes, and unbelievable highlight clips. That's why Boost Mobile brings you our new global connection plan. The first plan ever made for WhatsApp. Get unlimited data, talk and text, international roaming, and calls to over 100 countries for just $40 a month. $40 price includes $5 a month auto pay discount. After 40 gigabytes of premium high-speed data, speeds will be lowered. Coverage not available everywhere. Visit store or boostmobile.com for details.

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