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Hey, Portlandia fans.

Carrie Brownstein and Fred Armisen here.

The dream of the 90s is alive in podcast form.

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It's Mojo in the morning and Spike in the altercation at the fast food restaurant last night.

Oh my gosh. I had, they threatened to call the police on me. So I'm going to start off with that and ask if anyone's ever had that threat from a restaurant. Let me tell you, I am the most calm, cool, collected guy. When I go out, I totally respect the fact that right now it's hard to find employees and I go with the flow. It's one of the things that Meg told me was so attractive about me was that I'm so even-keeled and just chill. And I don't let things upset me, last-minute changes or whatever the case is. but last night was weird because we were having korean takeout so on the way out i i offered to pick up a happy meal for her six-year-old and i and uh because he's not gonna eat korean and as soon as i got to mcdonald's i knew i made a mistake the drive-thru line was so long but i told this kid i'd get his nuggets you know he can't back out now i already got mine the happy meal is in his brain this line was not moving and when i tell you there were nine cars and i was just sitting there for 20 minutes not one car moved except for like one or two people got out of line and left but nobody moved and i'm thinking what is going on inside like are they being robbed like because no cars i figured if there's a issue with the food in order they'll just tell people pull ahead and we'll bring it out to you or if there's an issue with with the register done they do that from time to time i couldn't figure it out so while i'm sitting there i downloaded the app ordered the happy meal and you know they said okay you're ordered and paid for just come into the restaurant or go to the window and tell them your order number blah blah blah so i got the car behind me to back up so i could get out of line oh you're one of those guys well it's easy he just backed up like four feet and then i could then i could turn into a spot and reverse okay around but literally this whole place was full of cars and i went in to collect my happy meal but when i went in the guy told me the dining room's closed and i look around i could see they're like replacing the seats they're up they're remodeling the restaurant so i told him i said oh listen i already paid for the meal and i could see it sitting on the counter right there next to him there's a happy meal like they have all the orders lined up so i don't know what their issue was i said but i could see it right there could i grab it and he said no the dining room's closed and i told him i said the nine cars haven't moved for 20 minutes and and you ordered it on the app yeah and he said show him proof right there yeah i could show and and i so i held the phone up to him and showed him he said yeah well we have issues in the back and so i showed him the mobile order and i asked him could i could you just grab it for me it's already paid for and it's already made and it's already there and he's like and he's like no dining rooms closed and then the manager came up and she said the same thing She goes, we're having issues in the kitchen, and if you want your Happy Meal, you've got to pull up to the drive-thru window. And I said, well, I don't know if you're aware. No one can pull up to the drive.

There's nine cars out there, and I've been sitting here for 20 minutes. And the whole time, I'm not raising my voice. I'm being very polite. And she said, go back in your car and go to the drive-thru line if you want your meal. You have to leave the dining room, or I will call the police. Oh, wow. Wow. I was like, oh, my God. And I had already paid for it. It's sitting right there.

So you had to go to the back of that line now again?

Yeah, so it's sitting right there, and I was thinking for a second.

Just going to grab it.

Do I grab it and run? And I'm like, nope. I had no choice but to leave without the food. I was like, waste the $6 because at this time it's already been a half hour. So now I know my whole Korean food order is just sitting on a counter 20 minutes away, and I got to go get that, and it's already cold probably. Spikes in hell.

So wait, so they do this where they say to you that you cannot pick up in the store. But did the app tell you to pick up in-store or at the drive-thru?

It said pick up in the store or the drive-thru.

Oh, there you go. That's what I showed to her. You should have said call the police. I showed it to her. I want the police to come here to get me my Happy Meal.

That lady sounded like she was having a day. She would have.

I would have had a call. Oh, yeah. Well, I would have if I didn't have the whole family waiting for food at home. because they wouldn't bail me out. They'd be pissed off.

Yeah, but now you've got one angry child

that doesn't get their Happy Meal. Where did you go to get a Happy Meal?

Well, so then I got back on the road to go to the Korean restaurant, and I canceled the McDonald's order. You could back up and cancel it. And I just called Meg and said, listen, make them some mac and cheese. I'm coming home without the Happy Meal. I'm really sorry. It's a sad meal. So then this morning I looked. The app charged me the $6, even though I canceled the meal.

I'm going to give you advice. Ready? I'm a pro at this. First off, if you're willing to pay a little bit more, DoorDash or any of the service will get you the food faster than you could possibly get through it.

DoorDash had to do the same thing I did. They had to go through the drive-thru line. Well, let me explain. So they have to pick it up because the dining room's closed.

Really? Well, let me explain this to you, though. Now, you, well, that's interesting because I was going to say, I have had before where people have, you know, at different businesses, said you had to go and you had to wait curbside for the thing. DoorDash people and those people don't have to do that. They go right in. Like, they're now giving those people priority. I actually went in and faked out I was a DoorDash person picking up a DoorDash order at a Chipotle.

There was another lady there when I walked out all mad. I told her she was DoorDash, and she was cursing them because they won't let them pick. They're telling them they got to go through the drive-thru, and they're like, that's why there's this big line. And by the way, we looked at DoorDash first, and it was $22 for a happy meal, and I refuse on principle to do that.

Honestly, for a happy kid, happy life.

McDonald's is literally like 30 seconds from my house, and I figured, well, I ordered the Korean food. Now I'll just leave. They said 20 minutes. I'll leave right now. Pick up McDonald's on the way.

You've got a young one at home now. You've got to think of this stuff. You've got to do it. What's up, Mark?

Hey, what's up? Yeah, I actually work at a McDonald's. And so the reason that they don't have people come in is because they're usually short-staffed, which is, you know, it's our problem, but still at the same time, you know, the lines are ridiculous. I will give you that, as well as the prices. Because they actually just jacked up the prices recently.

Well, everybody has. I'll be honest. I'll tell you what, when I walked in, they did have a lot of people working back in the kitchen because I'm totally patient and understanding of the short staff restaurants. I see it so much. I also hate I see these Karens complaining and raising and not being and they're being rude to the staff. And I hate that because it's not the staff's fault. They're the ones that showed up to work. So I don't want to begrudge them. But the policy of the dining room's closed We're remodeling Because they could see they ripped out all the booths And they're trying to modernize the restaurant This whole thing about the dining room's closed We can't hand you this Happy Meal That's sitting right there You've got to drive around I'm like, well, I don't know what your issue is in the kitchen But mine's made, just hand it to me

Yeah, no, they should have gave you that Oh, also the thing with the shake machine being broken That's a complete lie

Yeah, we always heard they cleaned it and they didn't want to start it up again, but...

Want a happy meal? We'll get you one of those happy meals. You got a happy meal? Can we get a happy meal? Well, somebody can't get you the happy meal!

I felt that. Well, and we have the added curse, too, that people know who we are, so you have to be... You can't lose your cool. I have to kill them with kindness. It doesn't matter if they ran over my dog, I have to thank them because someone will tell the whole world that Spike from Mojo in the morning threw a tantrum.

Laura?

Yes?

What's going on? Good morning.

Oh, my God. I got a similar story to Spike, but I got banned from Taco Bell.

What?

What? What did you do? I want to hear it. Tell us.

No. This was in Ohio. We was coming back from Pennsylvania, and we stopped at Taco Bell about 1130 at night, and you know how long the lines are, right? So we waited 20 minutes, me and my kids and my grandkids. um anyways we waited 20 minutes i spent 40 dollars there pulled out and i said check the bag because we had a big order we were missing four items not one if i was missing one i would have said let's go so i got out the car and went and knocked on it because it was closed i went to the window walked up to the window and the guy said we'll go around to the door so i went around the door kid came to the door he said what's going on i said i i'm missing four items can i get him he's like and he yelled back to somebody working and then he opens the door back up and he says we don't take walk-ups i said i'm not a walk-up and i was calm i said i'm not a walk-up i said i want my four items that i just paid for he shut the door said something else and he says nope and then there was a door dash you guys were talking about door dash yeah lady i was walking back to my car and i saw her walk up to the door and i said did they mess up your order and she said yeah and I said they're not going to give it to you they told me to get back in line and I that line was ridiculous and I wasn't getting back in line to get my food I said can you just hand it to me at the door so I went up back up to the door with her to see what they were going to tell her they told her the same thing to get back in line she said I'm going to lose money if I get back in line because you know how DoorDash does but anyways um I was walking away and the kid inside Taco Bell flipped me off and my daughter saw it. She actually filmed it. So I turned around and flipped him off. My daughter called the cops. They called the cops. Four cop cars came up and the cop was very rude. He was more on their side.

Oh, the cop was rude?

But can I say something to you? I'm seeing these stories in the news these days of people who are like, guy pulls a gun because he didn't get his french fries. It was Taco Bell. And I'm thinking to myself, these people are nuts that they're doing this, but I get the idea that you go nuts over the fact that they won't give you good customer service. And what is the deal with just going, get the bag of Happy Meal, give it to the man, go outside, it has nothing to do with anything else. And now you only have to deal with

eight angry customers in line instead of nine.

Give me a couple tacos that I ordered Whatever the whole deal is You know what it is? Honestly, I'm not going to blame Specific locations or anything like this I'm blaming the world I'm blaming our universe This world is so Screwed up these days With the fact that people can't find People to work And then when the people that can do work Are getting abused And everybody's angry It's time We all need a reset We all need to take a deep breath You remember how we shut everything down for COVID For like whatever it was And we said it was going to help stop the spread We all need a one day

Personal mental health day For the United States of America

And then everybody's got to get back to what it was like Prior to 2020 When everybody went nuts

Wouldn't that be great

I've got to go into work But I've got one thing I hope nobody takes the offenses But I think it's these younger people

Megan's going to be mad at you Here comes Megan

But I will say the younger people don't own that McDonald's that remodeled and then didn't put a sign up or lock the doors.

I wouldn't know. Let's hear it. What do you have to say?

I want to hear this, too. It's the customer service. There's no manners. There's no respect. And like I said, I was I understand. I didn't get irrational. I just said, I mean, you said you gave the finger.

No, the guy gave her the finger. So she gave it back. Listen, I'll be honest with you. I don't think I'm not siding with this woman on what happened at Taco Bell. She handled the Taco Bell thing fine.

But I also love that she just said, you know, these people don't have respect. There's no customer service. And we also acknowledge nobody's treating these people with respect or kindly, and they're going through the worst situation right now. I get it. So it is a two-way street.

That's why, Megan, reset. It's a day reset. We're resetting the world. We're all resetting our lives. Meanwhile, I'm the second person in line, and I just want an extra rant. All right. Well, listen, you got to go to work. You said that you got to go to work. Don't get yourself in trouble. Okay. All right.

Have a great day.

All right. Take care of yourself. Can we just get the kid a Happy Meal? Moto Casino is pure American energy. Born in the USA and with the same 1770.

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Hey, Portlandia fans.

Kerry Brownstein and Fred Armisen here.

The dream of the 90s is alive in podcast form.

We're launching Podlandia AO Rewatch, our brand new podcast where we revisit every episode of Portlandia together, breaking down sketches, going deep on our iconic characters, and pulling back

the curtain on how it all got made. And we'll also be joined by the people who helped bring it all to life. Guest stars, collaborators, and friends, including director Jonathan Kreisel, the mayor himself, Kyle McLaughlin, legendary musician Amy Mann, and many more. Kyle is going for it here.

You fully improvised, not just words, but a song.

Well, I thought you were all going to write a song.

I remember you thinking that. Listen to Podlandia, A-O Rewatch on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

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