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Shannon Needs Divorced Mama Advice
Mojo In The Morning

Shannon Needs Divorced Mama Advice

from Mojo In The Morning

May 24, 2023 | 00:15:13 | Leisure

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00:02:28 - 00:02:36 | Speaker 3:

All right, it is the Mojo in the Morning show. Shannon needs some divorced mama advice. What's the story?

00:02:36 - 00:04:59 | Speaker 1:

I do. I am wondering if there are other moms or dads, because dads have been in this position too, who can maybe share a little bit about what they did. when they were in this situation. So really sensitive topic, but my sweet nine-year-old Lucy is having a little bit of a tough time with all of the change happening in her life. So my ex-husband and I have been divorced for, it'll be four years next month. So she was five going on six when all of that was happening. And just to give you a little bit of backstory, if you don't listen to the show I am currently engaged to a guy named Wes and her dad my ex husband Andrew is also engaged to a really great girl and so Lucy is struggling because she is missing it be just the four of us me my ex-husband her little brother Smith and and her and I say this and also want to say she loves my fiance she loves andrew's fiance and all of the new step siblings that she's going to be getting she's going to be getting a brother and sister on both sides okay um but she has said this to me on multiple occasions that she does you know she's having a hard time she misses it being on the four of us i also found out from a friend of mine that kind of helps me with lucy a little bit she's a former teacher and now she works as a life coach She's not really a therapist, but she has been such a help for my family. I found out that Luce remembers every single detail of the night that we told her that we were getting divorced. Down to, we told her while we were outside making s'mores. And she remembers what she was wearing, what I was wearing, the fact that the marshmallows from her s'more got on my cell phone case that night. Just like, you know, all of these little itty bitty details, which is crazy because I remember all of the itty bitty details of the moment my parents told me they were getting divorced when I was the same age, five, maybe six years old. But so my my question is and what I want some advice on is just, you know, it has been four years and there is a ton of change going on. And I feel like I'm doing a good job of comforting her.

00:05:00 - 00:05:10 | Speaker 6:

But I would love to hear from anybody else who's ever been in this situation where, you know, families are starting to blend and we're all moving forward. Like, what do you do?

00:05:11 - 00:05:20 | Speaker 3:

I wonder if it's harder that the blend is happening on both sides right now, too. All at the same time. Yeah.

00:05:20 - 00:05:25 | Speaker 6:

And both are great situations. Sure. But that's a lot. That's a lot.

00:05:25 - 00:05:36 | Speaker 3:

I mean, I think for being a child, I think that that's that's kind of be, you know, a lot, especially at their age. It'd be honestly, it'd be a lot for anybody at their age.

00:05:36 - 00:05:59 | Speaker 5:

Yeah. Can I give my perspective on being the kid in this situation? Yeah, I cannot give any sort of parental or marital advice. But for the kid, I know when I wanted to talk about it, an adult shut me down. That hurt way worse than any advice or anything. Just letting her talk about it whenever she wants to or brings it up and being like, yeah, let's discuss instead of not right now was always huge to me as adults.

00:06:00 - 00:06:13 | Speaker 6:

Yeah, that's so good. And we do, like, I always, I always tell her, I am, Mama is always here whenever you want to talk. And I just, I really try my best to just listen. But that's, yeah, that's big. Jennifer, what's up?

00:06:14 - 00:06:34 | Speaker 1:

Hi. Okay, so I haven't been divorced, but I was a child who went through a lot of trauma, and my parents did separate when I was young, and it was very traumatic. But I really think if she doesn't have her own therapist that you should possibly look into that. We do.

00:06:34 - 00:06:43 | Speaker 6:

I mean, she's not necessarily a therapist. She considers herself like a life coach, but she has been absolutely, insanely phenomenal with Luz.

00:06:45 - 00:06:51 | Speaker 3:

and does she go by herself or does she go she goes by herself okay yeah that's really good

00:06:51 - 00:07:44 | Speaker 1:

because kids worry about how they make their parents feel like um and tend to think that things are their fault that aren't you know did you feel that way when you when your parents were going through the divorce jennifer i thought that my parents my parents fought about money a lot come to find out as an adult i now know that my dad had a gambling problem but as a kid i didn't know that and i used to think that it was my fault because i was expensive kids you know whatever and yeah so i didn't have that third party and you know my mom was also going through a lot and my dad wasn't even around at the time so it was just a lot so yeah having a therapist is great i think that's amazing and i'm really glad that she has that because that neutral third party that you don't have to worry about how they feel yeah it's really great for a

00:07:44 - 00:07:55 | Speaker 4:

ted yeah do you guys still do stuff together i know you guys did it in the beginning uh like all together like you and andrew and the kids you guys still do stuff not as much not as much

00:07:55 - 00:08:00 | Speaker 6:

mike but like we're all still at a baseball game or a lacrosse game you know stuff like that i wish

00:08:00 - 00:08:19 | Speaker 4:

all of us are there when my parents had gotten a divorce i wish that i'd saw that because all i ever heard was bad things about my dad I never got to see them together or they never came to both you know my events school events or baseball games or anything like that at the same time and I had wished that that stuff had still happened so that's really cool yeah it's interesting

00:08:19 - 00:08:38 | Speaker 3:

because you and uh her dad have you know had a good relationship through this whole thing like unlike what like you know Mike was talking about and part of me wonders and I don't know a therapist would tell you this but you guys had such a good thing with each other where you guys would all go to dinners and stuff together if that makes kids think okay this is what my life

00:08:38 - 00:08:40 | Speaker 6:

is going to be like forever yeah I don't know

00:08:40 - 00:08:48 | Speaker 3:

you know and then all of a sudden another person comes in and you start dating because both you guys waited such a long time to go and start dating again we did

00:08:48 - 00:08:58 | Speaker 6:

and I feel like just like everything about being a parent like in the moment you think you're doing this like great thing and then you look back and go was I doing the right thing yeah like did I screw this up even more I don't know I

00:08:58 - 00:09:34 | Speaker 3:

hope not because sometimes when kids young and you went through a divorce you know you can speak from that experience but sometimes it's so difficult because you think to yourself okay what is my life going to look like you know in the future and you know how things going to be and if all of a sudden somebody new comes in and that new person with kids comes in and then now you got to sit there and figure out where am I going to be in this whole thing you know and both of you guys I know do such a great job of trying to comfort both of your kids but it's inevitable that you're going to have the kids are going to feel insecure yeah and what's up it's mojo on the morning show Shannon uh looking

00:09:34 - 00:10:29 | Speaker 2:

for divorced parent advice yeah so first of all this whole conversation is amazing channon never doubt yourself we are our own worst critics um you're doing a great job mama just as you worried about it and having this conversation getting the perspective of divorced kids like myself and divorced moms so Thank you.

00:10:00 - 00:11:09 | Speaker 4:

My parents were divorced, and when they got divorced, I suffered a lot of abuse on my father's side. And so when I had my daughter, I was so scared that something like that would happen, and a new person would come into her life and kind of just kind of create chaos for her. But her dad and I have been divorced now for about five years. she's nine also and we get together and do cookouts so I'm remarried he's engaged I don't have any more kids my husband doesn't have any but her dad said she has two sisters and an only child she really loves them as her sisters and we they've spent the night at our house she's gone to their biological dad's house like it is a big extended family maybe inviting everyone over for a cookout or doing more scenes together with everyone outside of those activities I think would be very beneficial and also good on you for having her talk to that third party. You're doing a great job. Keep it up.

00:11:09 - 00:11:11 | Speaker 1:

Thank you. That means a lot to me. Thank you.

00:11:11 - 00:11:19 | Speaker 2:

Sometimes I wonder if kids feel guilty when they're having fun at the other parent's house because they feel like the other, you know what I'm saying?

00:11:19 - 00:11:43 | Speaker 1:

So I try really, really hard to combat that because, like, I always will tell her, I I love that you, so she is getting two siblings on Andrew's side that are really close in age to her. And so I always say, I love that you are having so much fun when you guys all hang out. Like, I want her to feel comfortable and know that it's okay, that she loves being at dad's house and she loves being at mom's house. Hopefully she loves being at my house.

00:11:44 - 00:11:45 | Speaker 2:

Oh, she does. What's up, Jill?

00:11:47 - 00:12:14 | Speaker 3:

Good morning. My parents aren't divorced, but I was just thinking of this as like from a grief standpoint. like maybe she's kind of grieving the end because now that you guys are both in uh obviously very serious relationships there's no chance that mom and dad are ever going to get back together and i know you guys do like we're doing vacations and stuff like that so i mean maybe like a little bit of therapy wouldn't hurt i know you said that you have the friend that helps but um no she's

00:12:14 - 00:12:19 | Speaker 2:

what she said was she's doing therapy she's doing therapy yeah right yeah okay yeah i was like because

00:12:19 - 00:12:39 | Speaker 3:

that's like a major like like something that's closing that that's not a possibility anymore and maybe that's kind of like in her mind maybe there was still a possibility that one day you guys might be back together and even though she's happy with those situations maybe that's just something that she's having a hard time coming to terms with yeah and also the other

00:12:39 - 00:13:01 | Speaker 2:

thing too is she's she's young she's nine years old i mean we and this is going to be a process Believe me, third grade is tough for my kids when my kids' parents were together. You know what I mean? It's like that's tough in itself, and it could also be other things that are going on and extenuating things of just being a third grader and a nine-year-old. Tiffany, what's up?

00:13:02 - 00:13:03 | Speaker 5:

Hey, guys.

00:13:03 - 00:13:05 | Speaker 2:

Hey, what's going on?

00:13:05 - 00:13:56 | Speaker 5:

Not much. I just wanted to call. So I'm the bonus mom in the situation, also to a 10-year-old, and we had a lot of changes last year. So mom got engaged, dad got engaged, mom got pregnant, bonus mom got pregnant, both babies were born. And our boy is a solo child, so he has had a lot of changes. We just try to do everything we can, the four parents of us, you know, together with him, like birthday dinners and after-school trees or karate class, things like that, so that we can all be together. We do Christmas morning together the last couple years, and now the babies are there, too. So we just try to do everything we can all together. There were no step siblings that came in from either side, so I don't know if that makes things easier or harder, but definitely doing as much as you can as, like, a huge combo family definitely helps and shows that support.

00:13:56 - 00:14:03 | Speaker 2:

That seems to be a common thought of many of the listeners. Last call, Alicia, what's up?

00:14:04 - 00:14:38 | Speaker 6:

Hey, excuse me, sorry, good morning, guys. I just wanted to call and say, like, I am a product of divorce. i'm currently separated and shannon i've been listening to you guys for such a long time and even though i've never met you like i honestly almost hold on to every word you say because i like i i look to you for advice in these situations and um that kind of sounds creepy in a weird way but um i want to encourage you to continue talking about these things even though it's probably hard for you we as listeners really connect with this and it means a lot that

00:14:38 - 00:14:42 | Speaker 2:

you guys are talking about things like this how you guys holding up by the way how you doing in

00:14:42 - 00:14:59 | Speaker 6:

your situation alicia it's tough it's really tough especially when kids are involved and you know you're a product of that you don't want to see them go through what you've been through um but you know you have to do what is best for you and your family and you know

00:15:00 - 00:15:13 | Speaker 2:

It's really tough, but life is tough, and you've got to keep going. And, you know, hearing that, you know, somebody else is going through it, somebody that you've looked up to for a little while, it makes a big difference, and we want to say thank you.

00:15:13 - 00:15:36 | Speaker 6:

And honestly, the thing that we've tried to do for the years that we've been doing this show is to try to talk about what we can talk about within reason, obviously, with our family situation for the reason of exactly what you just said on that call, that hopefully that you can feel like you're not alone. And then hopefully there's a listener out there that might have that great tip for you, Shannon.

00:15:36 - 00:16:14 | Speaker 5:

It is very scary to share some of this stuff. I will be the first to say, and you know this especially, and I'm pointing to Mojo, it is very hard for me to open up and share, especially when it comes to my kids. The reason I am sharing this is I feel like Lucy has this insanely amazing community around her. And when I say community, I mean listeners, because you have been there since I announced that I was pregnant. So I feel like this is a safe space to share what is happening. I'm sure I will hear an earful later today from, you know, family or friends or whatever. But I really, really do feel like this is such a safe space. And she's got this awesome community that is watching over her. So thank you.

00:16:14 - 00:16:22 | Speaker 6:

I always felt like if my parents ever got divorced, that I would just play them to get free stuff all the time. Oh, you get so much free stuff. Well, let me tell you.

00:16:22 - 00:16:26 | Speaker 5:

Both of my children are very good about that. Very good. They're very skilled.

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Very skilled at saying

00:16:27 - 00:16:29 | Speaker 5:

They're very skilled

00:16:29 - 00:16:31 | Speaker 7:

That's two Christmases, two birthdays

00:16:31 - 00:16:37 | Speaker 5:

It's the best I feel like that's why we have so many Legos They've done a good job

00:16:37 - 00:16:44 | Speaker 6:

I know that it seemed like KP and Kev You guys wanted to say something real quick I know I'm running late on this with the dirty and stuff But real quick

00:16:44 - 00:16:48 | Speaker 4:

Josiah's nine Well now he's ten years old

00:16:48 - 00:16:51 | Speaker 6:

This is Kevin, our new member of the show He's got a son

00:16:51 - 00:17:17 | Speaker 4:

I think sometimes we want to protect our children so we shield them and we don't really have the tough conversations with them and when that happens sometimes they don't get to voice their real emotions and kids sometimes have the same emotions as adults so I try to give Josiah space to say whatever he wants and have those tough conversations and open it up because I want him to be able to unload because if he doesn't and he doesn't feel like he can speak and he's just holding it all up and who knows how he'll get it

00:17:17 - 00:17:42 | Speaker 3:

out I'm also a product of divorce I'm the oldest of six and I have two other siblings and like a step-siblings so there's eight and it was I'm still struggling with the grief of that divorce like yeah you know several years later and sometimes I'm the type of person that keeps it in and it's it's you know showing emotion for me I've come a long way and I still struggle with it so having these conversations now with her is so important yeah it's awesome Tyler Reddick here

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