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It's Mojo in the morning. So my wife and I do a thing called the We Don't Podcast, and we just did our first episode in a long time, and it came right after we got into a fight with each other, which I think that that's when the podcast gets more real. When the We Don't Podcast is done and we are, oh, everything's good. We're happy. This is all wonderful. The podcast to me is whatever it's okay right after a fight where she and i were in complete silence for an hour and 17 minute drive from dropping luke off at michigan state to coming home to our house she was driving and she was in control of the aux cord she turned all the music down completely so we had to sit in complete silence for that entire time you know silence is tough for me it was very very tough well in all uh honesty and just to to talk about this i am a horrible fighter and i am a horrible communicator chelsea is actually a plus at this she's very very good she has learned over the years through her parents relationship but also through probably you know tons of tiktoks and uh in reels that um you know what some things are are better left to not say. And I am not. I'm one of those people that I have to verbalize everything. And I honestly don't even know what I'm saying. I have to go listen back to my words to realize the things that I said. We were talking about the use of the D word. And if you're somebody that has ever fought with your significant other and have pulled out the D word in the middle of the fight, you're making a huge, huge mistake. And this is something that our therapist told us. A spouse should never use the D word divorce during an argument, unless this is a serious consideration and is not being said in just anger. The reason it's harmful, it opens the door for divorce and other things that potentially could come up.

I get that.

And I do it, and I'm going to play for you guys a clip from the podcast so that you guys can hear this, but I want to ask this question to the listeners. Who's in a relationship where the D word has come up? And I want to know your thoughts on this and how you guys were able to get through it, but also I'd like to know, what were you fighting over? Like, what was you fighting over when all of a sudden the person said, maybe we should get divorced? Because I'm usually the person that does that, and I got to stop doing it.

But I think with our cycle is that-

This is from the podcast, the We Don't podcast on the I Heard At.

There's a fight that happens and then words are said, threats are made, and then it's like trying to, okay. Because I am just done with the, and I said to you, can we just not, not even not say the word divorce, but can we not, when we're fighting, does it always have to go back to like how I always say when you fight and in the sandbox I'm taking all my toys and I'm going home because it's all or nothing with you and I get you are emotional at that point and it's all or nothing and when we're upset we say things that we don't mean and but and I say things too that I don't mean so I don't want people to think that I don't I'm like sitting here with this innocent girl in a corner because you're using words i just don't fight that way i i don't use hurtful words

yeah so we we get into it more we talk about what the fight was about you can go listen to it it's the latest episode of that podcast i um i have said to chelsea and one of the things i said to her was sometimes when we get into fights I sit there and I wonder are we meant to be together we've been together for 30 plus years why would that even be a question but then I think about that because you're in a fight with somebody that you love but somebody that at that moment you are now questioning part of the relationship and I think that you got to be really really careful and in for those that are just dating the d word is we need to break up or we need to we need to separate or whatever there's obviously other words that are out there right and the hardest part is coming back from stuff like that you don't forget it no you don't forget when you

marry um like i remember when i preached my first sermon the title was trust in what you know and not what you're going through when you're married how do you have that perspective to trust in like the reason why you guys got to the altar and not focus on what's happening right now because that's the thing i feel like when you're dating dating gets you to the altar but like when y'all have those vows and y'all say the for better or for worse yeah the worst is like what's about to come not what you've already experienced in most cases how do you keep that perspective that's a really

good question and i i would answer it from more so of a biblical perspective of but it doesn't even have to be that but like in in a faith-based discussion it's agape love you wake up every single morning and you choose to love that person let's be real sometimes it like it's there you love them it was a natural thing that got you together and got you to that point but sometimes you wake up and you very much have to make a choice of this is my person and I am choosing to love them through whatever the heck we are going through and some days that is way tougher than others but that is part of that is the commitment that you have made to one another

yeah if honestly if faith wasn't in our relationship i don't think we would have been together we would have left a long time ago also if kids weren't in our relationship too well the faith because belief that that we got brought together through the the faith of of a higher power and i think that because there's honestly there's times you see the ugly in somebody more so than you see the beauty in somebody when you're especially in a bad place And I think it's kind of like, all right, God, what is, what is the reason why we are doing this? Like what is going on? And it's also the covenant of, for us realizing that we made a covenant to each other, that we're going to, we're going to be together and we're going to, you know, we're going to love each other. And I think that if I didn't have, well, a lot of things, if I didn't have faith, I probably wouldn't be here at work right now today. I'd take a sick date and go home. But I, you know what I mean? There's a lot of things. i think that kids on the other hand and this is weird because my kids are grown i think if kids weren't the case i said this to chelsea i looked at her and i said a lot of things that keep me together with you is knowing that if you weren't with me and i had somebody else with me i'd roll over the whole time going do you remember and go oh you don't you weren't there at that time that thing depresses me like it depresses me to be able to to to know that if she wasn't with me I couldn't do the, oh my God, you're, you know, and I know you can start new memories with another person, but those old memories would be crushing.

it's so tough and i'll tell you second time around and wes and i actually got into a pretty a pretty deep argument recently and i was the one who said are we even compatible like maybe we should just blow this whole thing up and because i i know i can i know i can do it i know i can be by myself i've done it before and that's what's really scary and we we had to have a whole discussion of like that word we know better off the table that thought off the table it has to be yeah you're never going to be compatible with somebody all of the time well that's the thing

you have to understand and honestly you have to understand that because a lot of times the first thing that you want to do is when you're not compatible is run and or when something's hard

yeah or something's hard that makes me think of what shannon was saying where it's a choice at

that point yeah yeah uh jay wants to be voice disguised that's your initial what's going on jay

yeah so more often than not i find myself saying the words are saying asking why are we even doing this or why are you even here or should we even continue this thing and i feel like that is very relatable to the d word yeah um and it makes me feel terrible for saying so i definitely get what shannon point shannon's point is like saying things that are even closely related can often

be or feel the same yeah well and and i have said that a lot jay and let me tell you after you say it so much it's like you know picking at scabs and stuff like that you don't you don't you know it has that word has no meaning anymore or that phrase has no meaning anymore to the person that you're in a relationship with because you're using that so much and that's what chelsea was explaining to me when we were talking about that what's up robin hi um okay i was married for 30

years and when we get an argument my husband would always say that you know i want a divorce and he'd say there's the door and he could get me during arguments and i would hold my cool because i know how I want to treat people well then he passed away six months ago we didn't know he was I know he had two weeks and he's like we just found out he has two weeks left and he kept apologizing he's sorry for the way he treated me he's sorry for the arguments getting heated the way they did but he was brought up that way so he thought it was okay now that he's gone I said there why did you have to be like that why couldn't you be nicer and you regret the words so you try to learn how you communicate in your arguments because it'll linger afterwards robin i wonder

i wonder if through therapy though you could realize that he he stuck around and he was with

you because he did love you and that was just and it's true and i and i wasn't going to take therapy and now i thought no there's one at the church take it take the grief support because even though you think you're dealing with it there's things that no you're not go go get the help you need take care of it but you know when you're you're in a marriage you love that person you stay with them for better for worse but it's those words like they just linger and you gotta yeah wow

we're so sorry thank you for sharing with us robin yeah i appreciate you what's up turner it's mojo in the morning what's going on hey first time long time

Hey, I just want to let you know, man, that divorce word is bad. Words have power and they have energy. And in going through counseling, you know, the counselor said, you know, everybody thinks the grass is greener on the other side. But in order to get green grass, you have to have water, which means it's going to be raining. And you also have to have fertilizer, which has poop in it, which means some days are going to be bad. But you'll get through it. So thinking that you could be single and be out there and do it all good, yeah, the grass may look green, but all you're doing is just going into other problems.

I feel like you and Kev would be great friends. You guys have great analogies. It's awesome. Right on, right on, right on. But you get it when you think about that. And I'm telling you, man, we went through some poop last week. Like we were going through some fertilizer. And you still go through it. It doesn't end right then and there. I think also the other thing, too, is I think that everything around you affects you, too. And it's not just your marriage. It's the environment. It's your work. It's your ride home from work.

And your partner's always on the receiving end of that, unfortunately.

Chelsea bears every bit of my injury that I'm going through right now. the changes we've had on our show, all that stuff. The voices are coming up, Nora.

hey what's going on what's up elise oh hi sorry whose voices were you talking about i want to

know are you hearing voices no well maybe at this point in my life i don't know it's my little people in the back seat oh what's going on um so i just wanted to say that i for marriage i grew up in a very like dysfunctional home and i didn't even know what a healthy marriage looked like so i feel like every day i'm learning how to actually live in a good healthy marriage so i'm but i'm always the one that when when push comes to shove i'm like i can just leave if that's how it's going to be and i like fly off the cuff and just want to go but when i sit back and i realize you said something about like environment and things like that i i have to like strip everything away and remember like when we go away for an anniversary or it's just us like we'll go to mackinac island and we'll be there for like three days and we are obsessed with each other like i say physically emotionally mentally like it's a blast it's when you're home and you've got the four kids and we run a business every day animals and yes the everyday pile up where you're just like i don't like you can you leave but it's not you really can't live that way you can't you've got to be able to strip it back and say do i genuinely like this human being or is it just the scenario that we're in is it just the situation and it's that's helped me a lot to stay otherwise i can promise

you it's been like peace out a long time ago well and it is interesting because i will say that chelsea and i've had some amazing times the last you know couple of years and a lot you know gets brought on by things that happen in your family i think that yeah absence does make the heart grow fonder and i do believe that when you are like when she's not here or if i'm not here like if work keeps us away from each other and i come back i'm like oh my god i love this and when we're not together you call and miss each other and you talk to each other it's almost kind of like we need to be in different residences i don't know healthier marriages that's a question though do you want

now we're on to something do you want absence to be your consistent no you know what i mean like

how can you grow in love through absence well i think it's what elise was saying is it's those times when you're together in things have become the you know the every day that you've got to try to figure out how can i bring those mackinac island moments yep to that i don't believe we

are meant to be with people all the time and i don't mean like relationships need to end i think people just need space and i think people have been conditioned to be together because it was a survival mechanism that we do we no longer need like you to go hunt and me to go gather and for us to come together like we don't need that anymore i feel like we need space we spend so much time

with you know what's so funny is wes and i are kind of on the other end of this right now because you spend a lot of time apart we spend so much time apart during the week with our schedules even on the weekends so when we have like a chunk of two days that we can spend together that actually brings us closer together but that's the season of life that we're in right now

but what i'm talking about is like a medium i like in between what you do and what other like other marriages maybe that we're talking about where you're together constantly especially since covid and people working from home i'm like i feel like people just need more space from each

other yeah i think michelle has a great uh summarization i guess of this because we talked about this chelsea and i did in that podcast that we don't podcast that we just put out

michelle go ahead say what you you told us i i saw a saying once that really stuck in my mind and

i've been married going on 46 years now wow 46 years with the same person aren't you bored

no actually you know with the emptiness syndrome now we find things to do and you know do you run

around the house naked all the time well no oh okay all right we do have neighbors gardening

what's going on what would say what you what you saw okay so the saying says marriage is just two imperfect people refusing to give up on each other oh yeah yeah and i thought that was so classic because there's no perfect person, there's no perfect marriage, and it's easy to walk away. You know, it's harder to stick together, but, you know, people do it, and I think that's a great thing.

Yeah. And should run, I don't know if you saw the bottom part of that, run around the house naked now that you don't have to worry about your kids being there.

Well, maybe we'll try that, too. Try it. All right.

I like that. All right. Just thought over your shoulder. oh you do not want to see me naked right now it's it's awful

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