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Mojo in the morning. I think it might have been yesterday at this time that I was complaining about the office refrigerator thief.

Yes.

Now I have another coworker that I would like to complain about. But I know who this person is, okay? I'm going to lay the groundwork down for you that we have another, not a poopitrator, but a peepitrator in our midst. And you know what? I'm going to say this. We talk often on the show about people in our buildings that we have, because there's three buildings we broadcast out of, Detroit, Grand Rapids, and Toledo. But there are the most disgusting human beings ever that work for our company, for iHeartRadio.

Is this the peepa trader I've been complaining about for years that doesn't lift the seat on the toilets and pees on top of the urinal?

How does someone pee on top of the urinal? I don't understand this.

I could not figure that out because it is high.

My favorite ever was when we talked about that person, and everybody blames Slim because Slim was the tallest guy here. And Slim came to me to prove to me that he did not do it because he had a long enough penis. Oh, how did he put that to you? Let's discuss that. We won't talk about that.

No, but his name was cleared because after he no longer worked for us, it was still happening. It's still going on.

Yeah. All right, so let me express this one. This peepa trader, we now know who it is. There's three people in the office. I don't know if they want me to name them. But there's three people in the office that have all come through process of elimination into believing that we have got that culprit. And the reason why, the person was on vacation and out of the office for a few days over the last couple of weeks. And when they are not here, there's no pee on the floor. On the floor. So it's floor pee.

Yes. Have you been in there today yet? I have gone in there yesterday. Somebody this morning obviously didn't zip up, walked away before they were done. You see a trail of pee from the urinal, like, goes back two feet away from the urinal. Like, they actually started to back up while still dripping. It's weird.

I don't know. How do these people's homes look? I don't know what the story is with this.

Don't you just shake, shake, shake? Yeah. Put it back in your pants and go. Well, you got to do a tap.

But this said person is an on-air radio personality. Okay, I'm going to say this. And it's the men's bathroom, so it's a male on-air radio personality. Don't say names on the radio. No, I'm not going to. Tony Travato on with us right now. Guys, our boss, Tony. Hello, Tony Travato. How are you?

Hey, guys. I was trying to be quiet because I was in the bathroom taking examples. Oh, oh.

Taking these examples.

Well, hello, Mr. Program Director.

You can take pee samples with your shoes.

So, Tony, through...

In the process of elimination, we have figured out who the peepa trader is.

Okay.

Well, no. You and I were talking about this last night. We were talking about, we were discussing that the peepa trader was off from work for a little bit. And Gina, the cleaning lady, didn't have to be cleaning pee off of the tile on the floor.

Wait, I know who it is.

Well, what happened is I called Mojo and I said, I just walked into the bathroom. It looks like somebody completely forgot that there was a urinal on the wall. Yeah. So there was like a sea of urine on the floor.

Okay. That is nasty. Yes, you have to know that you're doing that. Shannon just wrote down her guess. And I'm right. And that's the exact person I thought the poop-a-trader was who was making a mess on the potty.

Well, then he's got all sorts of issues. We need to get a port-a-potty here.

Maybe this particular person is a little messy when it comes to going potty time. Maybe there was something like when they were a child or something.

I think the only way to solve it is DNA samples. That's it.

That is it. Tony, what's worse, the peeing on top of the urinal or the person that constantly pees on the floor?

Well, I thought we decided Slim was the guy that was peeing on top of the urinal. No, he said. I'm telling you.

I don't know about that, but he cleared his name because after he no longer worked here, we still discovered that happening.

And apparently he showed Mojo his penis to prove that it was long enough to go in.

No, that is totally not true. I know it was not slim. He's way cleaner than that. Yes.

Now he's peeing out in the middle of the forest of Costa Rica at this moment. He can pee anywhere he wants to.

So I miss not having the second floor bathrooms anymore. We have only one floor in the office now. because sometimes we would walk in there in the morning and such a bomb had gone off and it was such a mess that I would walk the extra mile, go downstairs to another floor just to use the bathroom. And now we don't have a choice. Now sometimes we come in and both stalls are destroyed and then the urinal looks like somebody did target practice.

Tony. Well, Spike, I got a dirty secret here. There are some people that still go down there because they don't like to condense.

Oh, wow. You know how cold it is on the first floor? I do not want to be in that cold.

It's already a problem for me in any bathroom. I'm a grower, not a shower. So I got to like really snuggle up inside the urinal.

Hey, can I ask you a question, Tony? Can't you write this person up for this, for peeing on the floor? Who is it? Who is it? Isn't there something that you can do? That'd be a fun write-up. I've never done that before. Could you imagine calling up the HR and saying, hey, I got to write this person up? They're peeing all over the floor.

Yeah, and how do you monitor the progress of that? You're going to meet every 15 days to go...

That's true. You've got to actually make sure that they're better at their job. Hold on, Tony. What's worse? The person that pees on the floor here at the station? Or Matt, what was the co-worker doing at yours?

It wasn't a co-worker. It was a club that I used to go to, like an Eagles or an Elks or something like that. Someone would always smear boogers on the wall at the urinal.

That's disgusting. pick their nose and wipe their boogers on the wall of the urinal.

Correct.

And what business was this that they were doing this at? It was like

one of the lodges, like a club, like the Eagles

or Elks. Oh, the Elks clubs and stuff like that. I've seen that here too

over the urinal. So I'm like, well, maybe if you kept your hands on your junk and aimed a little better instead of wiping boogers on the wall, who wants to touch anything in that bathroom, a wall or otherwise?

Have you ever seen the people that go pee like this?

Yeah, they brace themselves, they put one hand on the wall, or both hands on their hips, and I go, what are you doing? What are you afraid of touching yourself? What's going on down there?

It's unbelievable. What's up, Alan? How you doing?

I'm doing all right. How are you guys?

Good, Alan. Alan wants to defend anybody that has to pee on the floor. Why is that, Alan?

I'm just saying, like, if you're a guy and you have a penis, you never get that all out. You know, you'll stand there for a half hour shaking. That stuff's going to fall on the floor. It's going to get in your underwear. You know, I'm highly...

I think a drip is one thing. Yeah. There's a way to get around. You're leaving before you're done.

If you're leaving a stream, because, like, I mean, full disclosure, I had an issue after having the kids where I would stand up. I thought I was done peeing, and I would pee a little bit more. If you pee on the floor, you can clean it up.

Yeah.

It's not that hard. Like, if you're leaving a trail out of the bathroom...

Maybe we need wet wipes right next to the urinal there where you can, like, pull one down.

Or toilet paper. We all need toilet paper on top of the urinal.

I know when guys get older, their prostate doesn't work as well. The vacuum seal's not there anymore. You just have to wait another couple seconds and make sure everything's done. Oh, my. But the urinals are designed.

come out of the wall nine inches underneath you they scoop every so that you you just got to get

close enough people aren't getting close jenny this is the most disgusting thing ever jenny what is it that you guys have in your urinals at work so i worked at a fourth bar and we had

corn in the urinal and we don't even serve corn we don't even serve corn thank you so much that's all I can hear

corn

how

Jenny you said you don't even serve corn somebody brought their own corn and left it in the urinal no they

someone had like farmer's corn in their pocket and put it in the urinal and they put the urinal cake out of the urinal and brought it out to the patio and we had to see the urinal cake on the ground what is wrong with humans where do you work

They serve some strong drinks there. Wow. Hold on a second. I've got to voice this guy as this next caller here. Jane, hi. Hi. Why do you want to be voice disguised?

Because I used to be a chief of staff, and I had an office in California. And every day I had to watch the cameras there because I'm in Michigan. They're in California. And this guy was relieving himself every day in a red solo cup. and then he would do something disgusting afterwards. But I had to fly to California to tell him that I'm watching him every day do this on camera.

Was he in his cubicle or something, sitting there in the red solar? No.

He was just sitting at the office at his desk with his red solar cup every day.

I mean, that is a dedicated employee right there that won't even take the time to get up to go to the bathroom.

Tony, Tony, we should hire him as a board op, Tony, here at the station.

I think the answer is we need better targets inside the urinal, Spike. I think that's what we've come to.

Hold on a second. I've got two more calls that I've got to get to because the last one is the craziest. Corey, are you there?

Yeah.

Corey, what did you have in your office?

I had to call you guys on this. We have one. He was called the side shooter. The side shooters come in With some explosive poop And always shoot off to the side In the upper part of the room

I always wondered if those are just really fast Like if they go in and go

It was like stick right to it The toilet couldn't even flush it down What was the other one? The hoverer We called him the hoverer Because he must have hovered above the toilet sleeve Because he must have come in with explosive diarrhea He'd come in and find poop freckles all over Yeah

Yeah, we had the poop freckles in our office once too And I'm like, you know how hard you have to try to poop on the wall? That's like two, three feet away from the toilet seat What do your pants and legs look like?

Listen to this one though John, what happened to you at your office, Urinal?

I wasn't at an office, I was probably at a bar I was in my 20s I didn't realize until like maybe a couple days later or something like that I got crabs from the urinal

No, I thought you told your girlfriend

No, no, I was not with anybody I know that And it's like those buggers were itchy And it was a pain in the ass

Are you serious that it can happen?

Seriously So I have reservations on standing too close to not get to my urinal So my brother-in-law said that he knows somebody or it happened to him as well. So he always goes in the stalls.

I'm with Shannon. I've always heard that story, and I always thought that is not a good match between organism and environment. If you're blaming the urinal for crabs, I feel like maybe that sounds more like an excuse. I don't know how long they can live.

Tony, our boss, that's the excuse of the peepa trader is the peepa trader doesn't want to get a disease off of our bathrooms here.

By the way, I just changed my AIM screen name to Poop Freckles 269.

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