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slash getaway from mistero florida this is a one extraordinary marriage show where being busy is overdone romancing is fun and scheduling sex is taking the guesswork out of wondering when you're going to get some creators of the six pillars of intimacy i'm tony de lorenzo your co-host along with my beautiful wife elisa from coast to coast and around the world thank you for joining us it's time to talk sex love and commitment give us a call or text us on the hug hotline at 858 876-5663, or send us an email to hugs at oneextraordinarymarriage.com. In today's episode, we're talking about how to create connection in your marriage over the summer, instead of assuming that more time, vacations, or a different schedule will automatically

bring you closer. And there's a quote from Brene Brown on connection. She said, Connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued. True things right there. We're going to be talking about that in today's episode as we talk about connection over the summer. But first, we start every episode with a hug. And a hug is really an opportunity to celebrate you, to celebrate what you're doing in your marriage, to celebrate your intentionality. And this hug comes from an Instagram DM that we received that simply said, I bought two copies of The Six Pillars of Intimacy when they became available for my wife and I. It brought us back to our pre-Cana and marriage encounter experiences. It's just one of those things in life that reminds you, you aren't the only two net jobs on this planet

trying to make it work. I love it. I think that's fantastic and awesome.

Well, and I think we hear that from a lot of folks who listen to the podcast, who read the books and are like, okay, like I'm not the only one. Yeah. I think there was something we got

this week even from somebody. Yes, we did. It was just talking about desire and how her husband has the lower desire. And she's like, I know I'm not the only one. And I shared with her, I'm like, you're not. We have numerous articles and episodes on desire and here you go.

Absolutely. And as we jump into today's episode, Tony said here at the top of the episode that we're talking about how to create that connection in your marriage over the summer, instead of just assuming that more time vacations or a different schedule are going to bring you closer. And you know, it's really interesting because, you know, summer just kind of like, I don't know, the 30,000 foot level. I think a lot of people think about summer creating more connection because you've got, you know, the picnics and the barbecues and you've got the summer holidays and all of these different things where, you know, it might just seem like connection should happen. I think it's

just the longer days sometimes. I really do feel like the ability for us to have these longer days Even those of us who are working all day long, because Alisa mentioned before we even started here that many of you are teachers, so you're off this time of year. But for those of us who are still just doing our normal day-to-day thing, I just feel like at the end of the day, you still have two or three hours of daylight, depending on where you are. And if you're far up north, like our folks in Alaska and all those places, man, they got hours and hours of daylight left.

They're coming into their, you know, I think they are in their like endless, what is it? Endless night season? Endless, I can't remember. Endless days? Endless day. I don't know. All the Alaskans are going to send me messages now. But it's true. You know, we do have longer days for a lot of you. Your schedules do change. And, you know, there can be, and this isn't necessarily a summer thing, but if you think about it, there are expectations that when there are changes that the, like external changes that the marriage is going to change as well, that we're going to experience something different. And for a lot of you, it's true. you know we talk about the teachers and i'll tell you why i know that a lot of you are teachers in a second but if you have children who are in school you don't have running around here there and everywhere and school schedules a lot of you i was actually just talking to some coaching clients yesterday and they've already been on one camping trip this summer they've got another one scheduled for i think july and so they've got you know these different trips i'm talking to people who are doing road trips um people going to the lake you know some of you talked about sitting on your porch and, and just finally having a night where you don't have to be somewhere. And that's what summer starts to look like for a lot of you. And then the flip side of that is those of you that have older children, um, they might've all just come home from college. So now

your house is more full and louder. You went from that empty nesting stage to now you have them back in the home and you're now having to nest.

navigate that interaction because they do leave and they come back with their own intentions and expectations and that can start to create some some waves you know i'm laughing because our

older one has been gone for about a week now as we're recording this and and i know he's i know he's coming back and uh you know it is that but it has been nice with him gone i know it's that funny thing of like we've missed him but he's coming back and it will be a disruption to life for a lot of you and kind of like us like work doesn't slow down we still have our same routines um you know heat can make some of you cranky we know because a lot of you you know tell us that you would never move to florida because it gets hot in the summer and that would make you cranky so i know right and summer can be this really kind of tricky season for marriage because more time together doesn't automatically mean more feelings or better connection, right? A vacation doesn't automatically create connection. Those of you that have traveled with your children or large groups of people, you know, sometimes you do not get connection when you are on vacation, right? A family trip doesn't mean connection because you got all these extra people around. Being in the same house over the summer doesn't necessarily mean you're more connected. There's still this need for intentionality um you can do it you know talking to some of my folks that i've been working with um like you can go on trips and still feel lonely oh yeah been there you can you can be sitting by like two people sitting by a pool and not feel connected you just are doing it with maybe less clothes on and you know warmer temperature or maybe you know white sandy beaches or you know a drink in your hand so it's it's looking at this saying hey wait a minute what what does what do we want our summer to look like not just going well you know what the calendar has switched from may to june we're heading into summer we'll just wait until it switches into july and then into august and then into september and then we'll be like hey that was summer

i just want to put a note here as soon as you said june this i know we're recording this we always record this earlier we record this typically the thursday prior to when it comes out to the tuesday and what is this tuesday coming up tuesday not coming up but this tuesday when this when this releases will be my 53rd birthday happy birthday thank you oh everybody's gonna you're gonna get i get i get two days in june by the way because both of our birthdays are in june mine is the second elisa's is the 20th so i get june 1st june 2nd and then the rest of the month is elisa's birthday month that's true so that's why please celebrate me today send him lots of love post on

instagram all the things shameless plug shameless plug for tony's birthday as this episode is being released and because our birthdays are 18 days apart we never have two tuesdays where we have to worry about that but you know as we're talking about this yes this episode releases on june 2nd and you know like summer is coming or for some of you summer is here and there are going to be things that fall into your calendar and your kids are going to need things and you're going to have work responsibilities but do you have a plan have the two of you thought about what you want your connection to look like this art because we had to start having this conversation ourselves

yeah and just like yourselves when we're doing an episode of this nature we have to be thinking about, okay, well, how do we connect this summer? What are we going to do to allow ourselves to not just, as Elisa said, sit in some loungers by the pool, reading our books and having no connection with one another? Because I think Elisa and I can attest that there have been times in our marriage that that has happened. Sure. And so we've been talking about, okay, what do we want to do? for us, we love Southwest Florida. We do. We enjoy it. The one thing we have learned though, midday Southwest Florida, you better be inside or you better be in a pool. Typically it is, it can get hot. It can get humid. June 1st starts hurricane season. So that whole, that adds a sort of another little wrinkle. You know, you're sort of watching what's going on, what's happening. We're praying that nothing happens again this year, like nothing happened last year so thank you jesus in advance um but for us we were talking about we need to get to the beach we moved here to estero it's about a 30 minute drive to some of the beaches maybe an hour if we go to marco island and we we did that last weekend we went down we went down to marco island we took the morning and just enjoyed ourselves on the beach but we're like this summer let's get out on saturday mornings let's go explore some of the beaches maybe we're just going to sit around and hang out in the gulf maybe we'll we'll just find somewhere and we'll go for a walk we have some work things which for us is part of why we live the way we live we get to go to allure of the seas so for those of you who'd love to join us for the six pillars at sea marriage getaway or have already registered we're going to see the ship or you or have been registered yes we're going to go see allure of the seas we're going to do a site visit so that's a fun trip for us to go on over to fort lauderdale we will be porting out of miami when we do go next year but we get to go do that that's that's a half a day just on the ship, hanging out. We got some other trips planned. We're going to go to Nashville for a marriage mastermind with a number of other couples that we get to go hang out with, get to go see friends there. And so, and even stuff here locally, we're going to go to the Keys, see some folks here locally. So we'll drive down to the Keys. It's about a four or five hour drive, but we're going to go down there and hang out and enjoy ourselves. So, and then there'll be the small things like we'll go to chick-fil-a or mcdonald's and we'll go get my iced tea my unsweet iced tea and we'll sit there and we'll just hang out and we'll talk alisa typically makes her coffee here at home now um but we'll go do those things we may go to culver's one night here and there and go grab an ice cream we'll eat it inside yes because if we try to take it outside it'll melt

so dang quick we won't have time but those are some of the things we get to do over the summer on top of many of the other little things that just happen here in our home kids our kids are older so they are out they're doing things they're they're you know going out with friends they're doing this they're traveling themselves so we have time for us to just relax with nobody

in the home as well. Absolutely. And, you know, it's interesting. We asked you guys on Instagram stories last week, what typically happens to the connection in your marriage over the summer? And, you know, as we're talking about what you want this year to look like, it is important to reflect on what it typically looks like. And 50% of you said there's more connection. 16% of you said less connection and 34% just kind of said, you know, it sort of stays the same. And so that's, I love that because I think there's so much variety, right? You have some that are like, and this is how I knew a lot of you were teachers because a lot of you are like, I don't have to teach over the summer or I'm a teacher or my spouse is a teacher. And so all of the teachers, thank you for pouring into our children and enjoy your summer vacation. But a lot of you talked about there being less stress, maybe because of jobs, you know, slows down over the summer, you have less to do with the kids or all of those different types of things. And, you know, you can get into this place where you get to do more. I mentioned the camping. A lot of you talked about less rushing and less stress. And, you know, those of you that have children, somebody even said less things to attend like kids' sports and events and more time to porch, sit, and talk.

And we have some dear friends who are teachers here, and they go on a missions trip every year. And we hear them talk about it in that connection of the team building. They're leading or they're leading the group to the country where they're going. and you just hear that excitement and how that connects them and brings them closer together.

And really so many of you, as you talked about these different things, you were talking about recreational intimacy. You were talking about physical intimacy, emotional intimacy, sexual intimacy. They were coming up in all of the comments.

I think sexual intimacy, I will just say for us in the summer, the reason I like it, it's warmer and you don't need to be under sheets and blankets.

We live in Southwest.

You still get under sheets and honey.

I thought you were going to say it's because I have a tan.

Well, I like the tan too, but I'm just saying there's less things that are having to cover you in the summer because it's warmer.

Fair. And that's those of you that are having connection. But not everybody does because a lot of you did mention your kids are at home. Summer is actually a busier time in your work schedule. Yes. you have heat that keeps you from wanting to do anything and you know or that just nothing changes in your routine and so it's just like well it's just you know another three months and you just are kind of going through the motions for another three months it's just hotter or sunnier or you know whatever that might be and you know the reality is is that if there's already distance in your marriage, summer isn't necessarily going to fix it, right? You have to be intentional about the time. You have to be intentional about what you want. And so the third question that we asked was, well, what do you want for your marriage this summer? And I think some of those answers are going to be really revealing. And we're going to talk about that after this break.

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We're back. And we did ask the question, what do you want for your marriage this summer? And, you know, probably no surprise. one of the very first answers and responses that i saw was more sex i mean given given one extraordinary marriage and our longevity and talking around the sexual intimacy probably not a surprise but other people said more connection more date nights more fun and laughter trying new things recreationally trying new things sexually having a weekend away without kids being intentional outdoors and a few of you are dealing with some medical things and so this summer is just about healing and healing together and taking care of one another. And I think that's so important to be in this place where you ask the question and you don't just go on autopilot. You're just like, well, you know what? It's June. Like I said earlier in the episode, it's June and then it's July and then it's August and then it's Labor Day and well, there was summer. It's coming back and saying, hey, let's have a conversation. Honey, what do you want our marriage to look like this

summer yeah I think the thing that I hear a lot of is I don't know and it's because we need to shake things up and I think a lot of us after a while life can just feel like it's groundhog day oh absolutely and we're getting stuck in these cycles of we don't have enough we can't do this um the world is going to pot anyway so who cares um i just had somebody reach out to me and and go a little political sideways on me and you could feel some of the desperation and despair and i just want to say sometimes we talk about light topics and yet they can really hit a chord. It goes much deeper. There's something at the root of this that's causing you to go, who cares? And I would, and Elisa and I would encourage you, don't sit in that by yourself. Reach out to somebody, go get help. We have marriage coaching here if that's something that you need. And yet for some of you, you may just need to step into your church and just ask somebody for help. Male, female, you may need somebody to just go grab coffee with you. They don't need you, know that you need that until you reach out. People don't know. Even for myself, I realize it. Coming here to Southwest Florida almost two years ago, people don't know was, I've had to reach out, text. And sometimes the text messages don't come right back. Sometimes it's a week later. It's okay. But I would encourage you if you're feeling that right now, don't sit there in your own muck and continue to address it on your own. There are people out there who are willing to help. But more times than not, we have to make that first move. just like we were talking about in the health episode that we did a few weeks ago. If you want to get healthy, we have to reach out to the doctors. Doctors aren't going to reach out to us and go, Hey, are you okay? So I just wanted to share that. Okay. So coming back to this though,

you've got to ask that you've got to, you've got to engage in the emotional intimacy. You've got, whether you're reaching out for help or you're just sitting across from your spouse and you're having this conversation of what do we want you know do we want to get like ice cream once a week do we want to have you know um play a card game do we right like what do we want more of what do we want less of what would help us feel more connected as husband and wife like these are the questions to start thinking about in advance of this conversation and even you know as you're sitting down pick one pillar one or two pillars to strengthen put your phone down well i mean that would typically for most marriages probably be a positive.

It's what we hear so many times. Literally, we've said it many a times here too. And if you put your phone down, you're going to strengthen your emotional intimacy. You have opportunities to strengthen your physical intimacy because you aren't holding your phone. Yeah. I'm not, I'm not going to make this a whole, like, let's talk about the phone. But, but think about your pillars, right? You, you may actually sit down and write them all down, emotional, physical, financial, spiritual, recreational, and sexual, and say, which one or two do we want to focus on for the next 90 days? Yeah. Right. Like, like that's, you could start as simple as that and then have that summer rhythm, right? You're telling, you've told us that you've got different changes to routine. Some of you are in the same routine. What if there was one little, this is our summer marriage routine. And you just said, Hey, this is the one thing that we're going to do every week or twice a week, whatever it is. Like I'm, you are you, you don't have to be Tony and Lisa, but could you implement a 10 or 15 minute summer routine to connect with your spouse? And as a coach, I'm going to say very likely you can, should you choose to. But I want you to get a vision like, you know, we're at the very start of summer. what could your marriage look like if you focused on making connection happen instead of waiting for connection to happen if you were the one actively involved in that process if you were the one saying hey let's go do this let's grab an ice cream cone let's road trip this weekend because you know like tony even though he doesn't drink coffee he is a sweetheart and he'll send me you know different coffee shops around florida and he's like this one looks cool this one looks cool and so I'm like all right well let's pick a weekend and let's just one Saturday morning get up and go find a different coffee shop even if it's two three hours away let's just go right could you have a road trip routine could like you pick it it's not the Tony and Elisa routine it's your summer marriage routine but what will you do to foster the connection so that as this episode's release June 2nd, go 90 days to September 2nd. What does your marriage look like? What do you say about the last 90 days, about the connection, about how you're feeling about your spouse, about the memories that you've created, about the fun that you've had? That's totally a what can I

do? What can we do moment? Yeah. And as I look at this too, excuse me, remember time isn't the qualifier for connection. Just because we go on a two-hour drive doesn't mean we're connected. We have to choose to do something through that. We can be physically intimate, right? We can hold hands. Elisa can put her hand on my knee. We can touch one another. We can be emotionally intimate. We can, instead of just sitting there looking at phones or just listening to music or whatever we're doing, we can pick up connect like you did when you first met. Maybe ask and answer a couple of questions. It doesn't mean we got to do it for the whole two hour drive. And yet what if we took 10 minutes and just said, Hey, let's answer and ask this question of one another for of the 120 minutes we're going to be together. We took 10 minutes, 15 minutes, that closeness and connection can open up other things. And so it's even something that Elisa and I think about, and it's like our pool time. We look at it as an hour, an hour. Great. If we want more great, but it's, it's an hour time. Let's get out there. Let's enjoy one another where there's some talking, there's some connecting, there's reading of books. Our pool right now is walk-in warm. Like,

so it's just like, it's ready to go. That's a little phrase I coined about how I feel about

our pool. I like, I like my water walk-in warm. It's walk-in warm. So the Gulf is that way too. But this week, as you begin to look at your summer and you start to think about one, your recreational intimacy pillar, because many of you are leaning towards that. What other pillar can you begin to strengthen this summer? Which one can help you get connected to one another this summer? And as Elisa said, what does it look like 90 days from now when you hit the fall and you can look back and go, we did this thing every week, every other week, and it drew us closer together it strengthened our marriage so that we are creating that extraordinary marriage we desire so go out there this week think about this write down your six pillars of intimacy what are the two you'd love to look at this summer and then take some action make some choices that will allow that to come to fruition 30 60 90 days from now you guys have yourselves a fantastic week we'll catch you next week love you guys

Thank you.