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slash getaway from mistero florida this is the one extraordinary marriage show where being busy is overdone romancing is fun and scheduling sex has taken the guesswork out of wondering when you're going to get some creators of the six pillars of intimacy i'm toyan de lorenzo your co-host along with my beautiful wife elisa from coast to coast and around the world thank you for joining us it's time to talk sex love and commitment give us a call or text us on the hug hotline at 858-876-5663 or send us an email to hugs at oneextraordinarymarriage.com. In today's episode, we're talking about the joy of foreplay, why it matters in your sexual intimacy and how slowing down can help you and your spouse enjoy each other again. There's an anonymous quote

that says simply, anticipation is part of the pleasure. I think as we discuss foreplay in today's episode. It's just keeping that in mind, that anticipation in your sexual intimacy is actually part of the pleasure. And we're going to be talking about that today. But first, we start every episode with a hug. And a hug is really a way to celebrate you, celebrate the transformation that has happened in your own lives, in your own marriage. And this hug comes from a post, Instagram comment that happened this last couple of weeks in regard to Tony's birthday, Right. And it simply says, happy birthday, Tony. I remember back in 2018, I started listening to you guys and the podcast helped us get through almost divorce in 2019, along with therapy. Thank you. Thank you both for all you do and for being real. Love you guys.

That's so awesome. I love it. Man, that's a long timer who's been with us and praise God, you know, with the use of the podcast, therapy overcame the issues, didn't get divorced moving

forward. Awesome. Love it. And we know that's a story that so many of you share. And that's what's beautiful. And, you know, as Tony said, at the very top of this episode, we are talking about foreplay, not mentioning words, like we're just jumping into the topic, why it matters, how it impacts your sexual intimacy and all that comes with that. So this is really going to be an episode that intersects your sexual intimacy and your emotional intimacy. Because first of all, emotional intimacy is the workhorse. Being able to talk through, discuss your thoughts, feelings, and desires, that makes it the workhorse of the pillars of intimacy. But it intersects with all of the different ones. And specifically, as we're talking about foreplay today in regard to your sexual intimacy. And I will say, just from personal experience, that you can know that foreplay is important and it can still get lost over time. Yes. It can be one of those things where, you know, in different seasons, you guys are all about it, right? There's the buildup, there's the flirting, there's the touches, all of this kind of stuff. And then in different seasons of your life, you can allow marriage or kids or work or exhaustion, stress, whatever it might be to...

The marriage?

Well, even what's going on with the marriage.

Oh, what's... Okay. Issues within the marriage. Yeah. Okay. Thank you for clarifying that.

Yeah, absolutely. You know, what's going on between the two of you and just your relationship dynamics, like all of those things can really start to impact whether or not the two of you

choose to engage in foreplay. Absolutely. Yes. And when you just said marriage, it just sort of caught me off guard. But when you say it as in like there's conflict within the marriage, there are cracks in other pillars of intimacy that then creates this crack in that sexual intimacy pillar and specifically into the foreplay area yeah because if the two of you aren't engaged

in physical intimacy and touch if the two of you have been simmering around some arguments or things like that then your sexual intimacy can just kind of like if you're going to engage in it all just kind of skips to you know are we or aren't we having intercourse instead of getting into this place where it's like hey how are we going to engage in our sexual intimacy in its entirety because foreplay is not just the warmup. Like a lot of people are like, okay, well, well, we're just, I mean, literally it's the word, right? Before we play, foreplay. But what we've seen over the 16, 16 and a half years now of the One Extraordinary Marriage Show, what we've experienced in almost 30 years of marriage.

marriage is that foreplay is a very vital component of your sexual intimacy as husband and wife. It enhances the relationship between the two of you. It's not like an all the time, every time, all of that, you know, like must be part of the equation. And yet when it's not part of the equation, for a very long time, you can really start to sense its absence.

Yeah. And let's give them the definition of sexual intimacy. So here at One Extraordinary Marriage, most times when people are saying sex or sexual intimacy, all they are referring to is the act, the intercourse. And what we have found after years and years and listening to you, the one family, when we wrote The Six Pillars of Intimacy, The Secret to an Extraordinary Marriage, that's our best-selling book, go grab it at sixpillarsofintimacy.com. What we came to realize is sexual intimacy includes romance, initiating, foreplay, and sexual intercourse. It's the full sexual connection between both you and your spouse, both husband and wife.

And so when we pull out the piece that we're talking about today, when we're just talking about foreplay, right, the actions involved in foreplay, and for some of you, this may be the only nugget that you get out of this episode because you're like, oh, well, you just expanded my definition of what foreplay is, right? So foreplay can be your kissing, touching, flirting, massage, suggestive comments, eye contact, oral sex, making out, undressing each other, showering together, playfulness, and even how the two of you interact with one another throughout the day, right? So it's not just one thing. It's not just what we touch each other before we have sex and that's foreplay. I would actually challenge some of you that are like, well, that's, you know, like it's not so thought out in our marriage to think through this definition or through these other behaviors and actions and go, oh, I wonder if, I wonder if we incorporated something else. I wonder if we expanded our definition of what foreplay is in our marriage, how that would start to change things. I just want to, I just want to sow that seed here at the top of this episode because it might start changing even just how you listen to us for the rest of our conversation here because when the two of you are engaging in foreplay, when it's not just like the 32 seconds right before you're having intercourse, it starts to convey, hey, I'm thinking about you, right? You may even text that. I'm thinking about you. That text at 9 a.m. starts to plant some seats for what the day is going to look like. It's the looks that you exchange maybe in your kitchen or across your dining room table, even if all the kids are around and everything like that, that says, hey, I see you. And you give the look and you all know what I'm talking about. It's that hug from behind that just says, hey, I want to connect with you, right? It's all of these different actions that initiate the connection and start to lay the seed for what's going to happen when you are in your bed or in the shower or in the laundry room or wherever the two of you might decide to engage in your sexual intimacy. Yeah. And what you might be even hearing here is

like, hey, there seems like there's a little bit of an overlap between maybe that romance initiating and foreplay. And I think it's the way we are approaching it and where we're at. And so just realize sometimes you may just be romancing your spouse. Other times though, the way you may send that suggestive text is leading to the foreplay. Would you say that? because I feel like what you're sharing here can feel like there's a little bit of a gray area in between these. And for me personally, and I'll just say this, and I love all of this. To me, foreplay is the actual connection that we are having prior to sex. And so for some though, it may take a little bit more time to warm up and get into that foreplay action prior to just being

in bed. Well, let me just share some numbers here from the one family, because I think it's actually going to hit the point that you're making very strongly. So we asked the one family up on our Instagram stories, hey, does foreplay make a difference in your sexual intimacy? 87% of you said absolutely. 9% said sometimes, 3% said not really. The follow-up question to this was, Do you and your spouse talk about what makes foreplay enjoyable?

Okay.

Now, remember, 87% of you said it absolutely makes a difference in your sexual intimacy. Only 48% of you said we do talk about what makes foreplay enjoyable.

So there's a 39% discrepancy between absolutely 87%. percent every 87 percent saying absolutely it's important to 48 percent saying we actually talk

about the enjoyable part of foreplay which means that like just like the point that tony was bringing up there a second ago if there is this internal yes it makes a difference in our sexual intimacy but there's this chasm around what that is what those touches are what it looks like over the course of the day how romance gets incorporated into that what are the touches that matter like if those things aren't being talked about then you can have confusion there's discrepancies absolutely and i hear what you're saying you can have that gray area where it's like well is this foreplay or is this just romance are you are you touching me because you want it to go somewhere or are you just touching me because we're engaged in a physical intimacy right now yeah there there's

there's a lot in elisa brings up something huge here and you guys have shared this with us this is you the one family saying that 87 of you say absolutely it's important and yet 48 are saying we talk about what what makes foreplay enjoyable and so that gray area is that we we haven't had the conversation so are you initiating is this foreplay and i can understand so when i'm talking and elisa and i are talking i would suspect between you and i because we've had these discussions before you don't have to suspect you know we know that foreplay for us is usually going to be in bed in the shower we're touching we know it's going to lead to sexual intercourse anything prior to that is either romance or initiating yeah but that's not the case for

every couple because i've talked to a lot of folks over the years i mean i've been a marriage coach for 14 years now right and for some that foreplay gets so wound in the romance and initiating it is those touches that come because it it's literally like warming you up for what's going to happen to get into that place where you the two of you are being engaging in sexual intercourse and for some i mean i i know it's you know kind of that whole um i know it was a cartoon and just you know sort of a maxim where it's like you know men are like microwaves women are like uh crockpots yes that's right yep fast for him slow for her and so thinking through that like if there aren't these conversations happening if the two of you aren't talking about this then then the actions that are being those bids that are being put out there can lead to feeling rejection rejected if you get into this place where it's you don't know what actions work or are welcome because let's face it i mean tony and i have been doing this podcast for 16 years i can promise you as a 35 year old 36 year old starting this podcast with where my body was at that point in time versus just about to become a, you know, turn 52, my body and what works for foreplay is different. It's different. Like I'm just going to put it out there. My body has

changed in the last 16 and a half years. And so has mine. Let's also be, let's be, let's be clear here. It's not uncommon nowadays within foreplay. And we've had to have this conversation where I can go from having a full erection to going flaccid to having to get back into the mindset and within foreplay, getting an erection again. And so that didn't happen 16 years ago. That didn't happen five years ago, to be honest. And so that is a place where the conversation, and we've had these and we've shared these with, with you guys here that what does foreplay look like? And why is that important to us and to you? Because it is, it creates that closeness and connection. And that's what intimacy by definition, that's what it is. How are we getting close and

connected. Well, and what I've heard over so many years with coaching clients and things like that is that when foreplay is missing, or it feels very rushed, or it's just one-sided, your sexual intimacy really starts to have this disconnect. And I think that's something that each and every one of you, whether we're talking about foreplay throughout the day, and this is a conversation for the two of you to have, right? Do we engage throughout the day? Is it, you know, 10 minutes before we're actually having intercourse? What is it for us? What are those touches? Is it rushed? Is it not long enough? Is it too much? Like all of the... bits and pieces of the conversation can lead to a tremendous crack in your sexual intimacy pillar. And it's why we're having this conversation. Because when the two of you are able to have the conversation, when you're able to talk through this and what it looks like in your marriage, you are empowered to shift the sexual intimacy between the two of you. And we're going to talk about how to do that after this break.

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So we're back. And we've been discussing this topic of foreplay, right? What it looks like. The discrepancy between the fact that 87% of you say that it is absolutely important to the sexual intimacy, but only 48% of you are talking about it. And we don't want to leave that gap, right? Everything that we do here at One Extraordinary Marriage is about helping the two of you create your extraordinary marriage, getting into this place where you feel confident and you're able to break through what might feel awkward or overwhelming or complicated to step into this place of saying, hey, I have a better understanding of what works for the two of us. We've talked about expectations. We understand what touches work for the bodies that we're in today, not the bodies that we were in 20 years ago. It may not come as a shock to the two of you, but you're going to have to talk about foreplay because you're not going to know anything about this simply by guessing. You might as well have a blindfold on, be spun around 22 times and just kind of hope that you hit the mark.

yeah and on instagram stories we even asked you guys when couples when you guys don't talk about foreplay then what happens is basically what the questioning was and many of you said it gets skipped it's rushed it gets rushed because it's late it's rushed for the main event man there's a lot of rushing through oh there's a lot of rushing before foreplay it's non-existent it doesn't happen. And I would suspect the reason we are hearing this from you is because the conversation around foreplay needs to happen well before it begins. Yes. So a walk and talk, a drive and dive, take the conversation outside the bedroom and stop expecting something to happen when you haven't had an ability, both of you, to really talk about it? Because I will say, even in our own marriage over the years, there have been times when foreplay is rushed. We have had times when it's non-existent. And typically, those times are because we have failed to have the conversation around it, to address it with one another, to have the tough conversations that we have here on the show and outside the show because then what ends up happening and I know it for myself in my head I'm going does she like it does she want it is is it too late you know all these things start swarming in my head until we have that conversation we start talking about going hey what's happened to our foreplay lately what's going on and most recently especially when elisa started perimenopause that was going on and having the conversation understanding where she was internally like her body just feeling like it's on fire her not having much of any desire dryness those begin to go aha moment and we can begin to shift now is was foreplay then from like non-existent to my goodness it's a rocket ship and it's just like blast off and it's amazing. No, it was just steps. But we were willing to have the conversation.

conversation and get open, honest, and transparent with one another. And so if you can at least begin that, maybe we can get rid of this. It just gets stiff. It gets skipped. It gets rushed. You know, I understand sometimes it does. We're there too. Like not every single time we go to make love and have foreplay that it's, Oh my gosh, it's this long drawn out. There are times when it's like, we want to be close and connected sexually. Foreplay is a little more rushed or a little quicker to having sex. So the conversation has to begin somewhere. And I will say this for you folks who are like, well, I tried or my wife or my husband doesn't want to talk about it. Please go get a third party into it. Sometimes just having that third party, a coach, a counselor who can begin to hear in direct can be very helpful.

Well, and one of the things I was going to say is, you know, when I'm working with folks, and obviously this is a topic around sexual intimacy, but whatever might be hard or difficult, it can be very, very connected to even start the conversation saying, this is hard for me to bring up, or I feel awkward, or I feel a little uncomfortable. And yet I'd like to discuss this with you. Sometimes we just have to acknowledge what we're feeling inside because otherwise we might feel like, well, I'm all tongue-tied or I'm getting sweaty or like they can see I'm uncomfortable. Sometimes we just have to say, hey, I'd like to have a conversation about sexual intimacy. And I know sometimes this makes us feel uncomfortable. Like, like, let's just, it's amazing what happens when you just identify the elephant in the room, right? And then you can step into this place of maybe just having one conversation today, like not a one and done, not like a one forever, but just like, what would be one question that you would be curious about when it comes to the foreplay in your marriage? And I'll say this because I know some of you that are listening are the more resistant or reluctant spouse to having these conversations. Hang in there. They're not asking to make you miserable. They're asking to feel more connected to you. They're asking because there is this deep desire to connect with you sexually and they don't know the answers. You're the only one that knows the answers and you may not even know the answers. So you may have to explore it together. But if you're feeling that little bit of resistance, I'm going to challenge you to say, I'm going to hang in there. I'm going to hang into this conversation because nothing will change until your conversations start to change, until you do the reps to get more confident. Some of you, you know, you need to actually consider slowing down when it comes to foreplay. You heard Tony say, rush this, rush that. It's rushed. It's too rushed. I get skipped. All of these types of things. Give yourselves a little more time. Maybe even have a night where foreplay is the main event. So you just get into this place of saying, how are we going to learn

one another how are we going to engage extend foreplay extend foreplay to the point of of ejaculation for for the guys and for you guys getting your wife to the point where she is able to be on the verge of orgasming or she is having an orgasm like let it ride out it's it's okay And for you guys who, and I'm going to just say this, honestly, there have been many a times when Lisa and I are in foreplay and I ejaculate quickly. It's okay because there's so much tension. We build it up so much in the foreplay that once intercourse starts, it's done. And that's okay. But it's because we built up to that point.

Right. And ladies, I hope you're listening. If you've had extended foreplay and the sexual tension has risen immensely, it is very likely, or it's possible, I won't say it's very likely, highly likely is probably a better way to put it, that when intercourse starts, penis into vagina, that he will ejaculate quickly. This is not anything to get freaked out about or anything like that you've already spent all of this time building the sexual tension just chill when that

happens i can't enjoy enjoy each other it's i i feel like society has put so much stress upon us when it comes to our sexual intimacy it's supposed to be done a certain way our our society is highly sexualized and so when it doesn't last the way we think it should because we've been watching. movies porn can be an issue there romance novels can lead to this as well that it wasn't it wasn't a way for us to get close and connected and i think more times than not we need to realize that we husband and wife are defining what this looks like for our marriage and stop allowing society even what elisa and i are saying this is our marriage we're we're giving you a glimpse into what it looks like for us that may not be you and that's totally okay because god made the two of you and yet what does it look like for you guys what does foreplay what does foreplay allow the two of you to enjoy. Well, and that brings home kind of the final point that I wanted

to make is what makes it mutual for the two of you? So many of you talked about rejection or being one-sided or that type of thing. And again, this is where the emotional intimacy ties in with the sexual intimacy, right? It's where the two of you may expand your definition of what foreplay is. Foreplay is not singularly oral sex. It's not singularly making out, right? It doesn't have to have one sole definition. If that was the case, we wouldn't need the word foreplay, right? So learning, having the conversation, understanding, asking questions, hey, how do we make this mutual between the two of us? Help me to understand what works for you. And I'm going to share with you what works for me and and we both engage during our sexual intimacy so it doesn't just feel like it's just for him or just for her it is for us it is why every chapter on the six pillars of intimacy but you know as we're talking about sexual intimacy very specifically here has a section what can we do and i want to land on that what can we do as a couple to make foreplay part of our sexual intimacy and to make it mutual in our marriage. Yeah. Hey, we have a program called

Foreplay to Passion. It's a step-by-step program that transforms ordinary intimate moments into extraordinary connection, even if talking about sex feels impossible right now. And I want to share that with you. Go to oneextraordinarymarriage.com slash passion. We have had so many success stories with folks picking this up because we believe that foreplay is very important. That foreplay can make a difference in your sexual intimacy. The issue is we have a crack in our sexual intimacy pillar around foreplay that then leads us and leaves us discontent when it comes to intercourse. And so think about this today. Think about what it is like in your marriage and where you're at in your marriage know that we just like you are on this journey and we just like you are still working through our foreplay and what does it look like for us and it's not going to end it's not going to change until we have those conversations till we engage in our emotional intimacy and then practice it see what works talk to each other what didn't work what did we like what would we like more of how can we make some changes that was enjoyable let's do more of this and I believe if we husband and wife are willing to set aside what we think it should be, and actually learn what it is for each other, we can have that extraordinary marriage we desire. So go out there this week. Go enjoy your foreplay. Learn. Try something different and engage one another in your sexual intimacy. You guys have yourselves a fantastic week. We'll catch you next week. Love you guys.

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