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slash getaway. From Estero, Florida, this is one extraordinary marriage show. Where being busy is overdone, romancing is fun, and scheduling sex has taken the guesswork out of wondering when you're going to get some. Creators of the Six Pillars of Intimacy, I'm Tony DeLorenzo, your co-host, along with my beautiful wife, Elisa. From coast to coast and around the world, thank you for joining us. It's time to talk sex, love, and commitment. Give us a call or text us on the hug hotline at 858-876-5663, or send us an email to hugs at oneextraordinarymarriage.com. In today's episode, we're talking about what it means to truly celebrate your spouse, not just on birthdays or holidays, but in the everyday moments that help them feel seen and

known. There's a quote from Oprah Winfrey on this that says, the more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate. I think we're going to see that woven throughout today's episode. But first, we start every episode with a hug. And a hug is really an opportunity for us to celebrate you, to celebrate what's going on in your marriage, the transformations that you've made. And this hug comes from an Instagram DM that we received that said, I just wanted to say thank you for all the podcasts and talks you all do. I found your podcast in Pandora while searching for a Christian marriage podcast. And after listening, I got hooked. I went back and started listening from episode number one and I'm now on episode 89 with a still a long way to go but I just love to listen to you while I walk and also at work on my 10-hour

night shifts it really helps me a lot this is awesome number one I didn't know Pandora still had podcast which to me was awesome to hear and so thank you Jesus like what what an amazing something amazing revelation there I'm like well yeah I know truly and then two it always baffles me and yet it shouldn't anymore how what we talk about on the day-to-day six pillars of intimacy and how we still have every single episode we've ever published still available going back 16 and a half years when we were younger weren't knowing what we were doing and yet we had this calling on our lives and we knew we needed to speak to marriages. And so it's always a blessing and an honor to hear something like this and know that no matter where you may be in life, there's something there that we have shared about our marriage and even yours that is impacting others. So thank you one family for what you do to impact so many marriages. Thank you all.

And as Tony said at the top of this episode, we're talking about what it means to truly celebrate your spouse. And we're going to dig into this. The idea for this episode really came out of the fact that we have recently celebrated Tony's birthday. And we're getting ready to

celebrate mine. Now, wait, when we say celebrate Tony's, because Tony and Elisa's birthday is in the same month. I'm on the second. She's on the 20th. Hers is coming up. So let's all wish Elisa a big old happy birthday a few days before or a few days after this comes out. So Tony gets like the second maybe the first a little bit in june tony gets the first the second for sure after that it's all about elisa for the rest of the month i'm so sorry that you married somebody who has a birthday no no i i did not know this when we first met i thought it was just really cool it's like oh i got i my birthday's on the second oh you're you're you know a year and 18 days later on the on the 20th how cool is that and as the years have gone on mine is just the second. And Alisa has become the rest of the month. Well, and that kind of ties into what

we're talking about today is that celebrations for spouses do look different, right? And that it's not a better or for worse or better or worse, but it's the fact that the two of you are two uniquely, you know, beautifully crafted human beings. And so what celebration, what's meaningful to you, what's meaningful to me, what's meaningful to a husband listening to this episode and what's meaningful to a wife listening to this episode very likely are going to be different, right? And so, you know, you can have, like some of you are married to people that absolutely love surprise birthday parties and you're just like, not a chance. Like, I am not interested in this. Some of you are the, like, let's just have a quiet dinner and that'll be amazing. And the other one's like, let's...

Let's invite all our friends and, you know, just go to the Mexican restaurant and have like a big old party.

Right. Which here in Southwest Florida, where we live, we did find an amazing Mexican restaurant and we are so happy.

It's been almost two years, you guys.

I think next year I am going to celebrate my birthday at that Mexican restaurant.

All right. We're already putting it on the calendar.

Because it is so good.

If we should have done it this year, it would have been Taco Tuesday.

Oh, it would have been a Taco Tuesday. That's okay. Our friends will still come. That's just a side note, but I am very happy, and Elisa is very happy, that we found an amazing Mexican restaurant here.

It's different. It's just different. It's not San Diego Mexican restaurants. It's not San Diego. Like, you have to work a little harder. But that's not the focus of this episode.

But it's a way to celebrate.

It is a way to celebrate. And, you know, as we're walking the beach and having conversations just about celebrations and things like that.

That was on my birthday.

On his birthday, yes. Because what did I do on your birthday? I did say, I would like to take you on a beach walk. That is true. My point being is that while we were having that conversation, we also got to talking about the other things that could be celebrated in life, not just Mother's Day or Father's Day, but also the accomplishment, the milestones, the personal victories, the anniversary, different things that can be significant moments in your life or in the life of your spouse. And I'll tell you, as a marriage coach, I 100% don't see enough couples celebrating one another. This is actually, we often get asked when we're interviewed, what do you see as one of the biggest problems? And usually we talk about communication or lack of sex, but even prepping this episode, I was like, I wonder if we just

don't celebrate one another often enough. I wonder though too, if it's part of life, the goalposts tend to move. And so something happens and it's like, yay. Okay. But there's something else we got to go after. And I know amongst my friends, especially in the business entrepreneurial world, we've been talking a lot about this more about you did something amazing. Celebrate it, go for a steak dinner or whatever that is that you want to do, but sit in the moment for a for a little bit instead of the goalpost moving and it's like okay case in point all right well we celebrate 29 years great well next year is 30 like we don't even sit long enough in 29 before we're already looking at 30 and we do this as well but I think it's just the goalposts just constantly move and contentment isn't in the moment it's I'm going to be content when we get there and something i struggle with myself and why for elisa and i for our 30th anniversary we booked our cruise months ago because we were like you know what we are going to celebrate and we're gonna and yeah it's a milestone one and so we need to do better on like the 31 through 34 but even for the 30th we we just said we're not waiting to the last minute We're booking this months in advance, so there's some anticipation of it, excitement for it, so we can really celebrate that moment.

And, you know, it's an interesting conversation to have because celebrating someone else, that's very personal, right? It's saying, you know, I see you. I know what matters to you. I'm proud of you. I've noticed, right? And this is not, like, let me be real clear. This is not just your social media post, right? we've gotten really good as a collective society you know great job to my spouse because they got this promotion or whatever and and we we do the social signaling but i'm talking about what happens behind the social media posts how are the two of you why are you smirking at me

why are you smirking i'm not gonna say it yet i did post for your birthday yeah oh yeah yeah

Oh, okay. You got to say whatever you're saying because you got this little smirk going on.

It was just birthday and all that just came up to my mind was like, okay, the social signaling is there. But what really was the icing on the cake was like, oh, birthday sex. That's all.

Was that?

In a good way, yeah. Oh, okay.

I'm like, are you upset about birthday sex? No, no, no.

I'm just saying it. It's like, yes, you did put something up. the better part was, yeah, that was really nice and I appreciated it and I loved it and I commented to it. What was much better was that evening birthday sex. Oh, okay. Okay. I was like totally

confused. I'm like, are you being critical? No, no, no. I'm not being critical. Just checking, just checking. And yeah, I know we've been talking about birthdays here, but it is thinking through like what, what does matter to your spouse? What do they need to have celebrated? What is meaningful to them? Not just because, yeah, there may be another promotion down the road or they achieve this and they're working for something else, or maybe they've been at their job for a milestone number of years and so that, but who are they? What matters to them? Celebration is not a one size fits all. It's not what works for Tony is going to work for me i mean clearly you guys know like our birthday month it's it's like a two day the ratio is like two days to 18 days right because after my birthday i don't really keep celebrating

yes you do because if you get your freebies in your month we're gonna do coffees and ice cream probably a red robin burger i share with you i understand that but i'm it does not end on the

20th it's pretty close okay it's pretty close so interestingly enough we asked the one family last week who said, you know, does your spouse know how you like to be celebrated? Right? Think about it. Just like wherever you are right now, just think about that question, right? Does your spouse know how you like to be celebrated? Because- Or do you know how to celebrate them too? Yes. Ask the question both ways. I could only ask it one way on Instagram. Correct. But here's the interesting response. 27% said no. 40% said, I'm not sure. Which means that only 33% said yes. My spouse knows how I like to be celebrated. One in three. Think about that.

To me, I thought that number would have been higher. Right. That's all. I would have thought that number would have been higher. Even from the standpoint of buying flowers or a specific place they want to go see or getting that coffee. And again, when we talk about some of these things too, they do not need to be off the wall expensive. To me, walking the beach, which cost us all of parking for an hour was amazing. And Elisa and I got to celebrate and she got to celebrate me on my birthday. And so I always want to make sure we understand that this doesn't have a dollar amount. It can, and it can impact that financial intimacy pillar. And yet it doesn't always have to. Well, because if you don't know how your spouse

likes to be celebrated, or if they don't know how you like to be celebrated, it's pretty easy for someone in the marriage to end up disappointed or hurt, to feel like they don't know me. They don't see me. Of course they can't celebrate me because they don't get it. And we ask the question as well, like, well, what helps you or what makes you feel most celebrated by your spouse? And I'm going to share some of these responses because some of them may be things that you're like, oh, I haven't thought about that in a long time. Or maybe I've never thought about it. Maybe if it works for somebody else in the one family, I should ask my spouse if this would be meaningful to them. Or maybe some of these ideas are going to be like, oh yeah, I'd like that. And it becomes the opportunity for the two of you to have a conversation. People talked about going on coffee dates, that thoughtful gift experience or trip. No, were those all different ones that people

said? Because I find that one just personally. Yeah. Okay. That was like one person's answer, but it was like different things it wasn't like okay because if if you were to say to me like hey a thoughtful gift experience or a trip I'm like okay well which those are vastly different yeah like help me hone in over here because those can be a bit different and I don't know which

direction to go okay well and that so I'm so glad you said that because let's just from a coaching standpoint let's just pull that out for a second your spouse may say something to you like I don't know, a gift experience trip. And you can, you can, not from a place of defensiveness or, you know, like an attacking posture, just say, hey, so those things sound very different to me. Help me to understand what does that look like for you? And you can get into this place of having conversations, right? Is, is a trip a staycation or is it, you know, like I want to go on a, you know, seven night Mediterranean cruise, gifts, help me understand. You may know some of this, but if you engage in the dialogue that emotional intimacy is at play there and you're not left wondering going okay so a gift an experience or a trip like what do I pick yeah and then doing nothing

right which you know which can happen because I don't there's too many options and I I want to do something but then I don't want you to be disappointed because I got you a small little gift but you're expecting this experience or a trip yeah and then it's like oh well help me out

here. Right. Some of the other responses were when my spouse planned something out of the norm.

When he or she gets me something that I like that she may not, or he may not necessarily like, right? So just stepping out and like a level of uncomfort or not like uncomfortability, right? Like it might just not be a preference. And, you know, you started thinking about it and we're all so unique, right? Like you can hear those lists, but what was really beautiful is getting dialed down into who your spouse is, right? What are the, like making it personal. And so we also asked the question, what is something that your spouse has done that made you feel truly celebrated? And I loved some of these responses, right? I got a big promotion at work and my husband took me to dinner and told me how proud he was of me. Tripped to Korea for my 60th birthday. Made 50 cupcakes for my 50th birthday. says good things about me in front of others mentioned someone mentioned a date night to Topgolf and others said their spouse had planned a day for them at the the racetrack and then there was this beautiful one which is so unique but I think it really highlights the importance of what it means to be seen and known got me a NASCAR cake with cherry filling for my birthday now being a NASCAR fan, you know if your spouse is or not. The filling part, I was just like, okay, this is somebody that is so known by their spouse. And that's where bridging this gap between emotional intimacy and this concept of being seen, known, and celebrated is so powerful because you can tie in your recreational intimacy to it. You can bring in your financial intimacy, physical activity whatever those whatever you hear from your spouse is the right answer and it's learning how to do that and we want to talk about this after the break so you're saying

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we've been having this beautiful conversation about really getting into this place where you you know your you see your spouse you know them and you know how to celebrate them in a way that actually celebrates your marriage and not just not just the birthdays or the anniversaries those are important please don't forget those mark them they show up every year it's like clockwork but it's also about the ones that might not show up every year on the exact same day. It is the promotion. It's the accomplishment. It's the milestone outside of what happens between the two of you that you can actually say, oh, you know what? This would be a great time to let them know that I see them and I know who they are and I want to celebrate them. Right? So you're likely going to have to ask, since we know the statistics, you're going to have to ask

how your spouse likes to be celebrated. Because only 33% of you know at this point in time. So that leaves 67%. So again, we say this often, and I really believe it is the more we are able to strengthen our emotional intimacy pillar, the other pillars, all the other issues, all the other areas of our marriage tend to get strengthened because we both now understand. There's a understanding of where we're at, what's going on. How do I celebrate you in this season or what's to come and we cannot do it we cannot do this marriage thing via expectations of what we think our spouse wants or needs and we cannot read their mind nor they can read nor can they read our mind and i know it can be feel tough because it's like well tony elisa you say this almost every week we got to talk and we're going to keep saying it because you have to build the skill and the more you do it

the more you find these things out well and you just in response to what you just said we do talk about talking to one another a lot but my my prayer and our hope is that every week you hear a different conversation so you don't just feel like well we're telling you just to talk to one another it's like this week have the conversation ask the question hey how do you like to be celebrated do you prefer like where we are in life right now do you prefer surprises or do you want to know a plan? Do you want those gifts or do you prefer, you know, experiences or do you like trips? Like what, what matters to you right now? Is it better if it's just us or if we're with a group of people? Like literally I was coaching a couple the other day and it was their, um, they were celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary. I'm like, oh my gosh, like, what are you guys doing? And they were going out with their kids and their kids' significant others. It was just like, it's going to be six of us for dinner. And that was what they wanted for their anniversary now you and I tend on our anniversaries to be by ourselves I don't know that we've ever taken our maybe when they were little I know I think we probably still got babies I can't remember an anniversary actually where we had not a trip we've never we've never

taken our kids on a anniversary trip well and I'm just saying even like a dinner I don't even

think we've ever taken it's just different and that's why I'm saying that's the point that I'm making is that it's it's rare for us to include our kids on an anniversary dinner but for other couples that's very normal but you don't know until you ask the question and have the conversation and when you have that conversation it's very probable that your spouse is going to tell you something that isn't exactly the way that you would do it because they're different than you and what they like is different for who what they like is different from what you like So don't just keep doing what you like to celebrate them if they've given you a different answer. Celebrate them for who they are and what they like. It'll go a really long way. I'm just saying, like walking on the beach, Tony talks about walking on the beach all the time. So a few days before his birthday, I was like, hey, your birthday is next week. I would like to get up early because we do live in Florida, so hot and humid and sunny is a real thing. I would like to take you for a walk on your birthday on the beach and his face just lit up. Why? Because that is what Tony loves. And we followed it up with a McDonald's iced tea. So it

was just like a full lake. And for Elisa's, we'll do a coffee shop. We'll probably sit in there for a little bit. I know to get sunflowers for her because she loves her sunflowers. And then we'll do some sort of experience. I don't know what that will be yet. We're still trying to determine it. We got things going on this month, so it may get pushed into July, but that's part of the gig.

It happens. It happens. But don't just stick as well. Don't just stick with the obvious significant days, right? The birthdays and the anniversary. Get so in tuned and so aware of what's happening in your marriage that you do celebrate promotions. Maybe you celebrate having a hard conversation. Like we did it. This was a hard a conversation about sex or money or parenting and we did it. Let's go get an ice cream cone, right? Did they reach a goal? Have they had some kind of remarkable growth that you can celebrate? But recognize it. Because I will tell you in all my years of coaching, time and time again, the number one thing that I hear from people is I want to be seen by my spouse and I want to be known by them. And when you hit those two, it's so much easier to then celebrate

who they are and what they mean to you. Yeah. You know, as you look at this and you think about it, like, hey, how do I get seen or how do I see my spouse? How do I know my spouse? How do I celebrate my spouse? There are many things you can do. The biggest thing is doing it. I think, as Elisa said, we think about the bigger milestones the birthdays the anniversaries but what are the smaller things and it even got me to thinking even here it's like what are the smaller things that we can celebrate and just be thankful for be grateful for it's so often that it just skips our mind because of all the other things happening in life and i'm going even this conversation for myself has just been a huh what could we do to celebrate a little bit more in our marriage as we come into 30 years and the years ahead what are we going to do to continue to celebrate and so not every day feels like groundhog day and it's one thing after another it's the same old thing and yet where is where are those little places that we can celebrate

And I can celebrate Elisa more than anything. And so think about this, that this week, talk to your spouse about it, see them, know them, celebrate them. You guys have yourselves a fantastic week. We'll catch you next week. Love you guys.