Muse

From Estero, Florida, this is a one extraordinary marriage show, where being busy is overdone, romancing is fun, and scheduling sex has taken the guesswork out of wondering when you're going to get some. Creators of the Six Pillars of Intimacy, I'm Tony DeLorenzo, your co-host, along with my beautiful wife, Elisa. From coast to coast and around the world, thank you for joining us. It's time to talk sex, love, and commitment. Give us a call or text us on the Hug Hotline at 858-876-5663. or send us an email to hugs at oneextraordinarymarriage.com. In today's episode, we're talking about how to use small moments as a connection multiplier so the everyday interactions between you and your spouse become more meaningful, intentional, and intimate.

There's a quote from Vincent Van Gogh that says, Great things are not done by impulse, but by a series of small things brought together. I just want you to think about that. What are those small actions, even as we're starting this episode, what are those small actions that become great things in your marriage? And we start every episode of the One Extraordinary Marriage Show with a hug. And for those of you that are joining us for the very first time, we are so thrilled that you are listening today. And a hug is really an opportunity for us to celebrate what is happening in the one family where you and your spouse are being intentional and taking action. And this hug comes from a comment that was on a post in the One Family private Facebook group that just says, it's an honor and a blessing to be part of the family, the One Family. I came across one extraordinary marriage a month ago by searching Christian Couples Podcast and immediately started listening to the show. As I listened, I couldn't help but think how much my marriage sounded a lot like yours and Elisa's. To hear about the six pillars and really break them down in everyday life with my wife has been quite fascinating.

I love it. Yes. And as Elisa said, if you are new here, welcome. We are truly honored and blessed to have you part of the one family. And if you've been here for a while, if you've been here for months, if you've been here for years, maybe a decade or more, thank you. It truly is a blessing to have you part of the one family.

Yeah. And as Tony said at the top of this episode, we're talking about how to use small moments as a connection multiplier, right? And I'll tell you, as a marriage coach, I know that most couples are not looking to add a whole bunch more to their lives. They don't need to feel like they've got to do a complete overhaul, that every routine has to be, you know, analyzed and reviewed. And it's not on the other side, it's not just as simple as, hey, go on more dates or get a weekend away, right? Because we are all, so I was talking to you know some folks yesterday um we are all leading busy full lives and this idea of like oh I've got to do one more thing can it can create this space of of overwhelm right of like I don't know where I've got the time and the space to to do more and you know instead of being so focused on the doing more I just want you to pause at the top of this episode and think, where could we give more intention to what we're already doing? And there's a word, you know, Tony talked about multiplying at the top. There's another word as well. And that word is amplify. Merriam-Webster defines amplify as to enlarge upon or add detail to, to increase the strength of or amount of, especially to make louder. And so I want you to be thinking like, what are those actions as we're going through today's episode? What are those actions that would enlarge a pillar of intimacy that would add more detail to one of your pillars of intimacy to increase the strength of an area of your marriage and the word amplify was not you know chosen just like randomly like hey what's a good word for this but it actually came out of a conversation that Tony and I were having with those who are training to become six pillars of intimacy certified coaches and we'd run this scenario by them and we were talking about you know roommates you know, roommate syndrome and feeling really busy. And one of the coaches said, you know, my suggestion to them would be to amplify some of the actions, like to ask them what they're already doing to stay connected, but to then ask, how could we amplify those actions? And Tony looks at me as we're having this session. He's like, that would be a great podcast episode. And I said, you know what? Absolutely. And here we are, because I think it is very important for us as married couples around the world to think about what are those moments of connection that we're creating, but more importantly, how are we amplifying them, using them to add more detail to our marriage, using them to strengthen our pillars of intimacy and getting into this place where, you know what, what if you don't have to start at zero?

Like, oh my gosh, we've just got to like, you know, like we have nothing. But to say, hey, where do you and I connect and how can we do more of that?

I just want to say one thing about our certified coaches that we are training right now. They are going to be some of the most amazing folks who are going to.

But they already are amazing folks.

They are amazing folks.

They're going to be amazing coaches.

They're going to be amazing. Thank you very much. they're going to be amazing coaches because of what they're sharing already and helping one another. And it's interesting that this one coach was talking about how to amplify. And I think about it in such a way for our marriage in how Elisa said it, it just, it hit me in a way that we're still learning. And I share that with you because Elisa and I, we've been doing the One Extraordinary Marriage Show 16 and a half years. We've written multiple books. Many of you have read the six pillars of intimacy, the secret to an extraordinary marriage. If you haven't go pick it up, but we are still learning. And it helps me to even understand in my own marriage. When that word was said, how do I amplify? What are the things that I can do? What can I do to begin to amplify that time, that, that connection, that closeness, right? True intimacy is closeness and connection. And so how do I do that? And so as we go through this episode, I really want you to be looking at a, what can I do? And it's something that we bring up in the six pillars of intimacy, not looking at your spouse and saying, you go do something to amplify a, what can I do? And I just want to share something real quickly. We talk a lot about emotional intimacy here. It is the verbal nonverbal communication. Okay. Hold that thought for a second. I actually had a

coaching session last night and the couple sitting across from me, he's like, Alisa, why do I feel like everything comes back to how we talk to one another? And I had to chuckle because you and I had just had this conversation about how many episodes we have that are around emotional intimacy. So sidebar, but it was just, the timing was so perfect.

It is. But here's something that I've noticed even for Alisa and I, and then when this word Amplify came out and was said, prior to this even being said, I had realized in our home, Elisa and I tend to start sit in our rooms or in different places, and we're trying to talk to each other, or we're trying to exchange information to one another. And that can get a little shifty at times when maybe you're in one area, your spouse is in another area, maybe a video is plan. Maybe you're concentrating on work, reading a book, whatever that may be. And so some weeks ago to amplify our emotional intimacy, I have been making a conscious effort. And I don't know

if you've noticed this. We'll finish your thought. I'll tell you if I've noticed. I think I know

where you're going with this. Is that when Elisa says something from her room or I want to earn her from her office, or I want to make a comment to her, maybe she didn't, didn't say anything to me, but I want to talk to her, I make sure to go find her. And so instead of us screaming from to one another, I'm trying to be in proximity to her. Why are you laughing? I'm laughing because

one, I have noticed into our daughter, we have a young adult daughter who lives with us. And so she often walks into my office to have a conversation with me because her room is on the second floor. But like the last couple of days, she's been like, why is dad like always walking into your office. And so I realized, like, I had been picking up on it. I'm like, oh, yeah, he totally is walking into my space a whole lot more. But amplifying the action.

It's amplifying the action. And I'm just sharing this with Elisa. And had we not done an episode around this, I don't know if I would have even mentioned it. Because it's a what can I do?

Yeah. And, you know, that's why we always want to be in this place of starting with what's right in front of us, right? Because when we stop amplifying, when we stop multiplying those moments of connection, we can become incredibly efficient spouses, right? We can handle the logistics of life. We aren't seeking out points of connection. We're just getting it done, right? We've got laundry to do. We've got bills to pay. We've got kids to chauffeur around. We've got parents to go visit. And we've got work to do and church to do. and all of this kind of stuff. And we can work ourselves up into a frenzy where it feels like there's no room for connection, where we start getting those statements that show up time and time again. I feel like we're roommates, but we're only talking about the schedules and the bills or I'm the only one trying or we don't laugh like we used to or we're together all the time, but we don't feel connected. That one came up in a coaching session yesterday. Couple sits on a couch reading, doing their own thing. They go up to bed. They're still reading, doing their own thing. they've spent a lot of time in proximity but they're not connected but they're not connected

yeah and that feels i think we've we've experienced that at times in our own marriage

And you can, you can have somebody that you love and cherish so much right beside you. And yet you can feel so lonely in that same spot, in that same moment.

And, you know, it's, there's a lot going on. Like I'm not going to minimize hormones changing and kids growing up and all of that kind of stuff, but it, it starts to go, okay, are we, are we operating on leftovers or are we like actively seeking these points of connection? Are we hoping we're going to connect or are we saying we are going to connect? Are we getting into this place where it's, you know, all about what you need to do or I can step in and say, what can I do? And I think that's really just such an important, you know, pause right where we're at here going, how many times have we looked at our spouses and said, you need to do X, Y, Z and it doesn't go over so well, right? Because nobody likes being told what to do.

Well, that's interesting that you bring that up because when I started this little challenge for myself, I had that thought. I was like, oh, I just need to tell Elisa. Tell me what? Well, just basically like, hey, if you're going to talk to me, come find me.

You have said that in the past.

I know, but it doesn't work.

Point proven.

Right? It's just like, well, no. You go make the change. you do something different and and and again hey we can all have our different moments whatever is going on we could probably be in that moment and then have a different discussion and it work out and yet i just sat there and instead of me just going like hey elisa you go no i go what can i do what am i willing to change if i want to strengthen if i want to amplify our emotional intimacy what can i do and don't put it on elisa's shoulders to burden it but i need to put it on my shoulders and go through with it and stay committed to it have i been perfect no there are moments when i've caught myself yelling and i'm like oh check myself like let me let me walk to her let me get in proximity to her so even here so now i'm curious yes have you noticed a shift in me i think where the shift has come we don't get irritated with each other we're not snippy at each other because we're seeing each other we're talking to each other we're in proximity to each other where beforehand it's like yelling down the hall or me yelling back then there's just this this tension where i didn't hear you properly or you didn't hear me and so you're saying it again or I'm saying it again and so yeah I have I've noticed that the calmness and the tension of us not hearing one another or being able to explain what we want with one another has changed in both of us but I have noticed it in you because you're just sort of like okay well he's here so I can't say you didn't hear me you know that that in itself is gone. And nor can I say, well, you're screaming and I'm over here watching something or doing work. No, now I'm right here with you. So there has been a change. And I hope as I continue to do it, it continues to, we continue to engage one another in that way, but it's not just work either. Let me, let me say, you know, we're, we're in the kitchen going somewhere else. It's like, Nope, I'm going to make sure I'm in proximity as best as I can. And again, I'm not perfect. I'm probably at 80% if I was going to say where I'm at. But I'm trying to be more in your proximity in that conversation. Interesting. Interesting. I think it highlights

a fact, just listening to kind of Tony's thought process on that, because obviously I'm finding out about this in real time with all of you, is that you didn't wait for our lives to slow down to start doing that. You didn't wait to feel like I was more engaging to, or feel like I was, you know, at a point where I'd be receptive. You've just, you made a decision to do it. You weren't waiting for all of these other factors. You just decided, and I have no idea how long ago, you just decided, I'm going to start doing this. I recognize I won't be perfect, but I'm willing to try this to see if I can do something different in our marriage.

yeah and and truthfully there was a little bit of like okay let's see how elisa begins to change and yet i think more of it was what's going to change in me and there's always that tension of like well i want her or i want him to change sure and i think when we do some of these things, what we realize is

the changes happen in us absolutely and it's still working and i'm still working at this but i'm gonna keep doing it because i do enjoy it because i did get and i was getting rather frustrated with just screaming back and forth to each other and when i say screaming it's just

we're loud well you're just wanting to be heard down the hallway yeah around the corner yeah and

and for some of you who have two-story homes or whatever like think about that yeah absolutely and

So, you know, after the break, we're going to talk about how the two of you can amplify those small moments that you're already doing to actually create more intentionality in your marriage.

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And we've been having this conversation about the power of amplification, of multiplying those small moments that you already do to actually strengthen the pillars of intimacy in your marriage to come into this place where you're adding more detail and you're enlarging what is already working without having to do this like massive overhaul, clean sweep, toss everything out and start all over again, but really being in this place of going, hey, wait a minute. You know what? And I even encourage you, like start with where do we have points of connection? But don't put this question on your spouse and be like, hey, you need to tell me how we're connecting. But I want to challenge each and every one of you. Ask yourself the question, where do we already connect, even if it's brief? And think about your six pillars,

emotional, physical, financial, spiritual, recreational, and sexual.

And don't get into this place where you already, because some of you, the minute I said this, you started minimizing what you're doing. You're like, it's not enough. It's not, it's not this, it's not that. And you've already disqualified whatever your first thought was. Stop it. That's the marriage coach in me being a little firm. Stop it. I just want you to think about where do we connect? Is it, you know what, we have a hug or we make sure to kiss when we're leaving for work or you know what, we do sit on the couch together. We might not be engaging, but at least we're already on the couch together. Whatever it might be, we have a weekly finance meeting where we're talking about what's going on. What do you do? And it's okay if right now you think it's not enough, because that's actually a great place to start, because the next thing I want you to do is just add a little more time to what you're already doing. If it is that hug, practice the Disney model of hugging. Don't let go until they let go. Disney characters, and this is actually, if you don't know this, watch just YouTube, Disney, probably Disney hug or Disney character hug. Disney characters, when they are hugged by a child, do not, they are not allowed to let go until the child lets go so interesting think about that for a second your spouse comes up to you for a hug and they come in to hug you and you don't release or squirm away or you know turn sideways or do whatever until they let go some of your marriages would just change on the disney principle alone just that physical intimacy right like oh and and like let's not go to, you know, I mean, little kids can hug for an hour, so we don't even have to go there. But what would an extra five seconds, think about that. What would five seconds do for your kisses, for your hugs, for your cuddles, for time just holding hands, for a conversation that you aren't cutting off, but you're like, you know what, let me ask my spouse one more question. I know that might be more than five seconds, but it's that engagement, right? What does the five seconds look like if you choose to be in proximity with your spouse to have a conversation instead of yelling from room to room. And trust me, I've noticed I've actually, and I don't know if you've noticed that I've been doing this, but I've been getting up and walking. Like when I've got something to say, I come into your space. So it's not just like, well, I'm waiting for Tony to come or whatever. I'm like, I've got something to say and I'm going to get up and go talk to him.

Have you noticed?

A little bit.

Okay. I'm just curious. I won't say that that's a direct result. Like I can't pinpoint and be like, oh, well, Tony has been walking into my office. So let me walk into his. That wasn't a conscious decision. It was like, let me just go find him. And that's what happens when you are the one that starts to take action in your marriage. You start to create a place where the environment shifts. and that's one of the most powerful strategies in a marriage is what I take on ownership for what can I do to create a more positive environment you create opportunities for your spouse to respond differently not guarantee but in a lot of cases that's what happens so this week you're looking at you know where do we have those points of connection you're adding five seconds, you're also thinking through, you know what? Let me just pick one pillar, right? Tony didn't, with his own example, he didn't say, okay, you know what? I'm going to come into Elisa's office whenever I want to talk to her and I'm going to hold her hand. And I'm going to say, you know what? I was just thinking about you. So let's pray together. And by the way, I want to ask you one question. And can we also talk about our finances? And at the end of the day, can we also have more sex? Literally in that, I don't know, probably 15 seconds. I just gave you all six pillars. He did not do that. He simply said, I'm going to show up and I'm going to emotionally engage with my wife. One pillar. Pick a pillar.

Just one. You would be surprised if you just spent time on one, what could shift? And for each of you, that's going to be different. I think about recreational intimacy. So many of you, and we hear this time and time again, it's like, we just don't, we just don't have fun together. We don't, we don't do anything together. I would suspect if you have some way that you have had fun together in the past and just made a commitment to amplify that a little bit each week, things begin to shift. How does that look? I don't know for some of you, and this is just me talking but you you play cards or you play a game together and one way you could amplify that connection during the time is put your phone on do not disturb and you don't even need to tell your spouse you're doing it just do it like make that so your connection right your ability to stay in the moment what can i do doesn't get shifted by looking at your phone again i know it and there are many, many studies that talk about all of us on our phones and how long it, how long it takes us to re-engage typically in work is where they're talking about it and into the next task or the task we're working on. And I would suspect those are very similar. If we were to try to do a study on that, how long does it take us to re-engage and connect with our spouse after we look at our phone playing a card game playing a board game doing something fun together look at the phone disconnect happens how long does it take us to reconnect and i would say truly reconnect that

would be that would be a fascinating study be no no because because i think we at the surface we're like wiping my phone down i'm totally you know re-engaged with you but it's that lapse in well you didn't hear what i was saying so now i've got to repeat myself and now i'm irritated and you're frustrated. And that's what we're saying. Just pick one pillar. Stay focused on it for whatever your commitment is. If it's a hug, stay focused on the hug. If it's praying together, stay focused on the prayer. And then have a conversation. Maybe it's at the end of the week. Maybe it's in a couple of weeks. Maybe it's randomly when you're out for coffee. And just talk about maybe what you've noticed, being the one to take action. Like Tony said, he noticed by his actions that there was less tension in the house if we had just been out having coffee or doing something he might have just said hey i've noticed that we've been you know it's just been like a little calmer between the two of us he still might not have told me that he did it it might have just been an observation that we're connecting differently

and i i i personally feel like we don't have to say everything that we're doing in this way absolutely it it came out i knew it would probably come out in some way shape or form and yet there was no pressure on me to make sure that elisa knew that this was happening i think that's the beauty of the marriage relationship now i will say this you're doing stuff that's disconnecting you like we we got to uncover that sort of stuff this is to to strengthen the marriage and I find that to be one of those places where it's like let me just see what begins to happen in this moment for Elisa and I

when I began to make a change with no, none whatsoever expectation on Elisa to reciprocate, to do something different. There was none. I just stepped out in faith and said, all right, Lord, let's do this. I feel like this is an area that I need to connect with Elisa better. This pillar needs to be strengthened. How? And that's what came. And so I started doing it and it's been some weeks at this point in time. I don't know when I started it, but it's been some weeks that I've been doing this and I'll continue to do it. I think it, it highlights the fact that

so often in marriage, we want our spouses to take action first. So often in marriage, We wait for them to, to demonstrate change or to demonstrate that something is different before, you know, we get into that. Well, when you, I will, instead of saying, I will, so that then you can, and just think about that this week, right? Think about what that looks like to be the one to say, essentially, I'm going to go first. I'm going to go first. I'm going to run this experiment. I actually say this to a lot of my coaching clients and I know the certified coaches are hearing it as well. What does it look like to try something for seven days? What does it look like to just run an experiment? And it might not go perfectly. You might be at 80%, like Tony said, your spouse might not engage because it's something totally different to them and you might have to go. And I hope you all heard it. Tony said he's been doing this for a few weeks before we even had a conversation about it. But it's stepping into this place of saying, what can I do? What can I do to strengthen my pillars, to enlarge them and to add more detail to them? At the end of the day, how do I amplify what is working and working well in our marriage?

Yeah, and I just want to give a big old shout out to Jess. She's our Six Pillars of Intimacy certified coach who brought this word to us and to all of the other certified coaches. thank you. I want to say that. And I want to say thank you to every single one of the certified coaches who are amplifying what we're doing with the six pillars of intimacy to take it into their community. And if you're a person or a couple who's like, we want to amplify, we want to make a change. We want to make a difference. You've, you've made a difference in our lives. The six pillars have made a difference in our lives. It's now time for us to go do something in our church, in our community. You may be a chaplain, a pastor, go to oneextraordinarymarriage.com slash cert and learn about the six pillars of intimacy certified coaching program. For those of you who heard this today and said, it's time to amplify, go do it. What's one pillar this week that you can begin to look at and determine what can I do? What can I do to amplify that pillar, to strengthen it, to enlarge it, and then start to do it with nothing in return, no expectation from your spouse, just knowing that you are creating your extraordinary marriage. We're praying for you. We're pressing in. We're believing for you. We're encouraging you. We know you can do this. So go do it and have an amazing week. Love you guys.

We'll be right back.