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From Estero, Florida, this is the One Extraordinary Marriage Show, where being busy is overdone, romancing is fun, and scheduling sex has taken the guesswork out of wondering when you're going to get some. Creators of the Six Pillars of Intimacy, I'm Tony DeLorenzo, your co-host, along with my beautiful wife, Elisa. From coast to coast and around the world, thank you for joining us. It's time to talk sex, love, and commitment. give us a call or text us on the hug hotline at 858-876-5663 or send us an email to hugs at one extraordinary marriage.com in today's episode we're talking about the not so invisible competition that can show up in marriage when you and your spouse begin comparing who is more tired who works harder who sacrifices more or who has the greater reason to be upset it's gonna be quite

quite an episode today but first we start with a quote and it's just important for you just to hear how this resonates with the episode this quote comes from Phil Jackson who says the strength of the team is each individual member the strength of each member is the team I think as we talk about a little bit of competition and what this looks like it's remembering that the two of you are on the same team and take that lens into today's episode and as we start with a hug we love celebrating the transformation, the experiences that you each bring into your marriage and know that the hug is actually, for some people, their most favorite part of the episode. People have told us this when they've seen us because they just love hearing everyone's stories and breakthroughs. And this hug comes from a post that was in the One Family Private Facebook group that says, for years, One Extraordinary Marriage has been the marriage podcast my husband and I recommend most often to our friends and family. Back in 2019, we didn't fully understand the significance of marriage. Having both grown up in single parent homes, we viewed it as just a piece of paper and didn't feel we needed it to solidify our commitment to one another. Everything began to shift after the birth of our first son in 2020. Conversations happening in the world around us prompted us to ask deeper questions about what marriage could mean for us and how we wanted to define it. I share all of this because one extraordinary marriage has played a meaningful role in our journey. Your transparency, consistency, and willingness to keep showing up have given us confidence to step into our calling. We're still early in our journey, so learning from a couple who has faithfully served marriages for so many years is an incredible blessing. You've shown us what's possible, not only for our own marriage, but for the impact we can have in the lives of others if we remain committed to the work. Thank you for continuing to pour into couples and for

allowing us to learn alongside you. I love it. And you know, it's just, it's amazing how many people, the different backgrounds, you know, where they come from, how they grew up, single family, parents, parents together, divorced, remarried, mom, dad passing away, whatever it is. It's just so amazing how everyone can understand that what we do here is to impact your marriage and to see you create that extraordinary marriage through those six pillars of intimacy. And so it's just awesome to hear and to you to continue to move forward. You're shining a light that's going to impact your community and those around you, which is what we need. We need many, many more to do

that. Absolutely. And as Tony said at the top of this episode, we're touching on this topic of competition and competition in marriage very specifically. And I want to say from the outset, competition's not always bad, right? If you look at it, it can be a motivator to improve, to push harder, and sometimes even to have a little fun. I mean, you guys have seen over the years, multiple pictures of Tony and I having a little friendly competition around Monopoly Deal.

it's our favorite like recreational like quick game i mean we were just playing at chick-fil-a a couple weeks ago and i think you won those i did you did after that though i won the next round we did somewhere where was that i don't remember uh probably mellow mushroom anyway

it's not about where we were having but but competition in marriage like you can have these fun aspects of it but it can become destructive when it starts to to shift this relationship between husband and wife right when you get into it where it's not just like friendly like hey who won the game but it becomes comes this place of who's got it worse, right? Who's more tired? Who does more around the house? Who carries more pressure at work? Who sacrifices more? Who initiates more? Who's got a bigger reason to be upset? And some of you are already starting to go, oh, oh yeah, I know that conversation. Because maybe it shows up when, you know, somebody says, you know, I'm really, I'm exhausted and the other person says you think you're exhausted I got up at five or I was up with the baby all night that was one I remember I that that's an Elisa from like 23 years ago you're tired you weren't the one up with our baby all night long or maybe somebody says well I'm the one that's handling everything and you're like oh yeah oh yeah let me give you my list that still happens here every so often oh yeah guys these are not like super in the past or maybe you just think that you're explaining your side and your what your spouse actually receives or hears is your experience doesn't count because my experience is worse right we've done this thing and and it feels like it's just conversation right like some of you would even say but elisa that's emotional intimacy, like we're having a conversation. But it's that competition that starts to erode the connection and the closeness that the two of you have. When it becomes this, you know, who's keeping score, who's done more, or what, you know, like, I got to prove myself. Then you get into this place where it seems like marriage becomes husband versus wife. and let me tell you, marriage was never supposed to be you versus your spouse, right? It was supposed to be and is, and it's something that you've heard Tony and I talk about a lot. Like the two of you are on the same team. It's husband and wife against whatever the problem is, right? And that's something that we've navigated because the real problem, it might be your schedule or your finances or your kids we've had this one aging parents work stress lack of rest but a lot of times when the two of you start competing and it's got to be like i've got this worse or i've got this worse now it becomes not about the problem it becomes about the person and i think that's something that we really need to dig into because like tony said yes i've got the experiences from 20 some years ago when our babies were little but i will tell you probably within the last week we had a well i'm doing more

yeah was it the dishwasher or the laundry i don't know i do both more so i don't know why we even talk about that one because i do it more um well played well played

into that conversation i don't believe that's actually true i do think you do more laundry i think i tend to clean up the kitchen more all right but yep case i mean like you guys

And that right there can lead to that competition. We've talked about before keeping score, but this goes much deeper. This is much deeper. It's something that we're internalizing and yet not expressing to our spouse. And that competition puts us against one another. And so when the littlest of things begin to happen, and I remember this even for myself, And I, and I've gotten better, much, much better control over my anger, um, over the, over the years. But I remember this would lead me into a place of just being angry because it was unspoken. But I always felt like I held more than Elisa and there was this competition that was happening that was never really discussed and it never was revealed. and yet it was causing so much tension. And if we look at our six pillars of intimacy and we talk about what intimacy is, right? Closeness and connection is really creating this disconnect between Elisa and I.

Absolutely. And that disconnect when it's allowed to grow and fester goes from being like a crack in the sidewalk to becoming like the Grand Canyon, right? When it becomes about this competition, you start to take away the safety from those conversations because, you know, if somebody says, hey, I feel this pressure to, like, let's just say that I remember this even, you know, in our marriage in different seasons, you know, if Tony's like, I feel pressure to provide. And he said that, like, I take on this, especially when I was a stay at home mom, when the kids were little, and he was the sole provider. I feel this pressure. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. You think you've got pressure? Try keeping these two humans alive all day and meeting all of their demands and you know diapers and school and projects and you know bake sales and all that like you want to talk pressure and all of a sudden it's like Tony's like well okay so I guess I'm not bringing that up again right or I would tell him like I'm so tired and he's like you think you're tired I'm like trying to fit in my my bike ride in the morning so it doesn't interrupt everybody and then I'm doing a full day of work and then I'm coming home and I'm still and all of a sudden like the safety for those conversations is thrown out the window in fact it's like chucked out with you know friday's garbage and you get into this place where the reality is is that you both are experiencing it like nobody's wrong right your experience is your experience but you're trying you end up canceling out somebody's experience in those conversations right and you develop this pattern this unspoken rule that says you know what probably shouldn't share because it's probably just going to end up as a debate. It's going to end up as a fight. We're not going to be talking to each other. We're not going to spend time together. We're not going to sit next to each other on the couch. And we're probably not going to have sex because we can't even have a conversation without it turning into this big battle. Or then it becomes this place too. Sometimes we're in that like, hey, I'm just going to share with you. Well, now it becomes this battle where it's like evidence. Oh, well, you think you've got this. Well, let me give you more. And now we're making our case. about why our situation's worse. And instead of having an opportunity to, to understand what's going on in the marriage, it's just an opening to defend yourself. And it doesn't just impact your emotional intimacy. Because over time, it can impact all six of them. Right? And you get into this place where it feels like compassion becomes conditional, where you've got to acknowledge how hard it is for the other person before you get any acknowledgement for yourself. And that becomes a really challenging place to live. And we know because, like Tony said, we still do this, you guys. This is like a constant, hey, you've got to be aware of what's going on.

You've got to be aware of seeing what's happening with your spouse and not having to jump in with, yeah, well, me too. because the me when you feel like you've got to jump in with the me too it probably means you two are not investing in your time connecting yeah I mean this is this is one of those areas

where I think many of us can just sit here for a moment and go okay what is happening what is the dynamic and how do we begin to shift that dynamic in our marriage and even in ourselves so we don't have this innate response to compete against our spouse. And it can be over anything. Again, Elisa brought up a number of different areas where this could show up. In your own marriage, you may need to just sit down right now and just go, where is that showing up? When my spouse says something, where do I respond quickly with a, well, I do this more than you do? Because in that, that's where the disconnect happens in the emotional intimacy. We're not providing a place for our spouse to be able to just express where they are. And we've said it before, sometimes you got to just zip the lip and listen. And believe you me, it can be a tough thing to do. And yet when you do it, that's when good things begin to happen. Because again, we're not competing with one another we're there for each other just like when a quarterback gets into the huddle he expects everybody in that huddle 10 other players to listen to him not to tell him why they're better than him or they're working harder than him on the line than him sitting there in the pocket he he's calling the play and he needs them to just listen in that moment and I don't know if that's the best example to use, but it's one that came to my mind.

Oh, sweet analogies.

I'm just saying, it's the one that came to my mind. It may not be the best, but we're going to go with it.

Yes, that probably is not the best, but we are going to go with it.

Coach Alisa is saying it's not the best, but we're going to move forward.

Well, because that demands listening.

I'm not saying it demands listening. quarterback demands everybody that he listens to him but in the in that it's not a demand it's it's an ability as a team to listen in the moment that is needed it doesn't mean recognize okay so so to

take your analogy a little bit further all right thank you take it further it's recognized like that is a dynamic where you know like if you watch that if you've ever watched a football game Thank you.

When the quarterback runs out, the other 11 know that this is not our 10, the total 11. The other 10, sorry for all my football fans who are just like, you call yourself a football mom? Yes, but it's been years since Alex played. So here's the thing. Those 10 know that it's not their opportunity to talk. They know when the series is over that they will get a chance to sit on the sidelines with their position coach, whatnot, and process what happened. but they know in that moment when the quarterback is calling the play, not their time, right? They wait until the appropriate time to, when they're on the sidelines, when the series is over, to process what happened. And so it's recognizing that there are times, just like that quarterback, like there are times where it's like you do have to zip the lip and then they come back to it, right? They have this opportunity to talk. But as we talk about this, you know, I know throughout just these early minutes of this episode, some of you have been thinking, okay, great, Elisa, Tony, we've got this dynamic. What do we do about it? And we're going to talk about that after this break. If you miss the first cohort of the Six Pillars of Intimacy Certified Coaching Program, your next opportunity begins August 18th. Here's what some participants have said. We've been wishing there was something like this we could be a part of. And having the framework gives us a way to actually open conversations with other couples. This program is for coaches, ministry leaders, pastors, and mentors who want to help couples with more clarity, structure, and confidence. The next cohort starts August 18th. Apply at oneextraordinarymarriage.com slash cert. That's oneextraordinarymarriage.com slash C-E-R-T. I can't wait to have you as part of this next group. We're back and we're having this conversation about competing over who has it harder or who's, you know, got more pressure or that type of thing. And want to take this now from it not just being an individual, like I'm dealing with this, to really coming to this place of saying, well, how do we address this as a team? Because whatever your last name is, you are team that. We are team DiLorenzo. And there are times when we have to remember that we're not playing individual sports here and we are part of a team. And we have to understand our dynamic and go, okay, what are we doing? And that's the first thing. Like, where are you comparing yourself? Tony said this a few minutes ago where are you comparing yourself to your spouse where do you find that immediate like oh oh yeah well I'm gonna I'm gonna tell you how I've got it worse I'm gonna tell you how I do more like think about it you guys know your dance I've told this to so many coaching clients over the years you know what you do I know I mean I brought up the laundry and the dishes because I know those are the two things that typically Tony and I do I can give one more because he's got this little smirk on his face, so I'm going to throw myself under the bus. It's also cleaning the bathroom.

Oh, I do that.

I'm sure I'm going to tell you. He totally does that more. I don't even, like, I can bring it up because I think it's funny. I don't like to clean my bathroom.

Elisa doesn't like to clean.

I don't like to clean. I don't. But.

But I don't. But case in point, I don't bring that up and shove it in her face. i have understood that if i want the bathroom to be clean i'll clean it or i'll call in somebody to clean it and i just do it i don't but if elisa says something i don't bring up the fact that i'm over there cleaning the bathroom for her maybe jokingly i will do that every once in a while and that's not to say you two can't joke about this yeah it's like those are sometimes that's just the fun part of being married that's where you sort of laugh at one another and with one another I don't hold it over her and try to tell her when she says something like oh my gosh I'm doing all I'm doing all the dishes all the time and I'm filling I'm doing you know I'm filling up the dish the dishwasher I don't sit there and just go I know what our new thing is I know I know what

the new let me finish okay my goodness like you just totally interrupted me that was um I don't

go sit there and go well I can't believe you didn't see me you know over the toilet and cleaning the shower you know what i mean it's just like all right cool like you did the dishes right on do

you know what our new thing is that we've been what's our new thing it's the uh the soda stream

the the soda stream yeah yes well i'm like am i tired of buying water sparkling water at costco

so we ordered a soda stream and so i made the the blanket statement the other day i'm like she did i am the one filling these bottles all the time i was like you're not the only one filling the bottle and we got into this whole thing whole thing about like three water bottles i think alex

was there like looking at both of us going like what are you two doing but when your spouse brings

something up and yes we're making light of picking like the soda machine and the bathroom and things like that but and yet we say and yet it's the little thing it's the little things that begin

to create these cracks in our pillars that we think it's the big thing that's going to destroy our marriage. That's going to tear us apart. It's the infidelity. It's the broken trust. It's, I don't know, whatever the big things are that you can think of right now. And those do. Don't get me wrong. And yet for many of us, it's the little things, the nitpicking at one another, the constant complaining, the constant comparison with one another that began to just crack our pillars to the point where we don't really notice that it's barely standing up anymore. And so, yeah, we can laugh at it and joke about it at times. And yet I think all of us, me and Elisa included, need to look at this. It says in the Bible, the little foxes. right? Cute little suckers. Those little foxes though, they come, they chew up the roots, they kill the plant. So what are the little foxes that are creating this comparison in this competition between the two of you? Yeah. And so when your spouse brings something up,

I just want you to ask yourself, you know, am I listening to understand or am I trying to prove that I've got it harder? Right. Am I stepping into that place where, and again this is not to minimize your own experience but maybe when they're sharing their experience it's not the time for you to be sharing theirs but to actually step into a place and i've said this many times on the podcast you both want to be seen and heard not talked over like there's a difference nobody says hey will you talk over me and tell me how no i want to be acknowledged we did a little bit of that here today we totally did so you know we're still a work in progress yeah we are totally a work in progress the second part of this is that you've got to actually identify what the problem is. Your spouse is not the problem. We've said it for 16 and a half years. We will continue to say it. It's not that they've got it worse than you or they've got it better than you or whatever it is. It's looking at it and saying, you know what? Maybe the reason the two of us are so tired is that our schedule is too full. Or maybe instead of arguing about who's got more responsibilities with the kids you reframe it and say hey the way we've divided our responsibilities is not working for us or it's not working in this season or if you're having these discussions around initiating and rejection hey maybe the reframe is we're both feeling disconnected and now it's not about you or me or who's got it worse or who's got but we start to reframe away from the person to what the problem is because if you can identify what the problem is what the actual problem is then you can step into a place where you can do something about it and you can get strategic and you can get help and you can put action around that but if you just keep saying your spouse the problem it's like nothing's going to change because you

both got it worse than the other person and the the other thing is in when we identify the actual problem. We can stop being, we can stop competing against one another and we get shoulder to shoulder and we can go against the problem because we are on the same team and we're going after that problem together. And there's a little word I want you to all think about.

It's a little word that creeps in and can totally invalidate your spouse's experience and make it all about you. And that word is B-U-T, but. Because you can acknowledge what's going on with your spouse and you can say, yeah, I know you're tired, but I've been up since such and such or I've been doing this. Once you stick that little but in there, you say, look, what you're going through, not as important as me. So I just want you to be aware of all the places you stick a but into your sentence or you interrupt your spouse with a but because that shifts from having them be seen to making it about you. And this week, think about just being able to acknowledge their situation. Think about being able to say, wow, you know, if they tell you they're tired, maybe it's, I didn't realize you were carrying all that, or I didn't know work was so intense, or that just sounds like it's exhausting. And just watch what they say. Like, don't make this be about like, okay, now it's your turn, right don't don't don't throw it out there and be like did you see what I just did right there I totally acknowledge you now you're supposed to acknowledge me or you're supposed to ask me about no maybe this week you just surf maybe this week you you're the one listening to this episode and you say you know what this week I'm just gonna ask

maybe you're going to ask, what can I do? Which if you've read the six pillars of intimacy, you know, is one of my most favorite questions on the planet. What can I do this week with the situations my spouse is facing to create a different environment where we can actually have more connection and closeness, AKA intimacy. Yeah. I love it. You know, and I just want to

say to each and every one of you is that if you find yourself being in this cycle and have been in this cycle of competition, comparison, and it's just not getting better, I would highly encourage you apply for marriage coaching with Alisa. You can go to oneextraordinarymarriage.com slash coaching. No obligation, but apply. Do something that might be able to change the dynamic. Typically, you're caught in some sort of conflict cycle. And this leads to that competition, the comparison, and it just keeps leaving and creating cracks in your pillars of intimacy. So take the time now. We're looking at mid-summer, 2026. What's it going to look like in three months from now? What's it going to look like at the beginning of 2027? and if you're in a spot where you're saying enough's enough like we got to start making some changes if we're truly going to live out this extraordinary marriage we desire then again like i said go to one extraordinary marriage.com slash coaching and apply think about this this week where you find yourself competing and then make those tweaks and those changes that are needed so that the two of you can strengthen these pillars together one by one or maybe a few amount of time but go after it see what's happening recognize it sometimes you got to just even recognize it like elisa and i have today and then be able to go okay what are the tweaks what are the changes we're going to make what are the changes i'm willing to make so go out there have yourselves a great one we're truly honored and blessed to have you part of the one family enjoy your week everybody love you guys

Thank you.