Muse

To be continued...

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okay ever since i can remember i've been black right unlike most black americans there's other stuff mixed in auntie say we've got native american roots on both sides black foot for my father's chippewa for my mama's i don't know anything about that but back when i'm in college in ann arbor i hear they're about to have the biggest native american powwow in the country and i figure why not so the next morning my girlfriend and i fumble around in the dark trying not to wake up my roommate and whoever else is laid out in the living room my roommate is from ohio this will come up later i grab a shirt jeans a sweatshirt and we're out get to the enormous chrysler arena and it is incredible storytellers music food this sea of smiles thousands of people that all seem to know each other the brightest lights are dancing competitions between various groups and families and tribes dozens of dancers rocking colors and feathers and bells and they dance what would he dance choreographed, rhythmic, hypnotic powered by teams of drummers beautiful, athletic, intimidating I watch and knock I don't feel like I'm going home or something it feels like the opposite of that I don't know anything and I don't want to mess it up every so often the announcer is OG gray hair braided back in two braids takes the mic and everyone it's time for the all dance the pros are out of the way the grandmothers and teenagers and babies and students and old men take the floor people dance together in rhythm and community it's hypnotic, it's glorious and I feel it but I stay where I think I belong right at the edge of the action watching, watching the announcer puts down his microphone motions to me and says hey you want to dance? go on dance so I go over to the floor start trying to fall into rhythm behind the hundreds of people next to me and one thing about my family is we can dance and I'm getting it and I'm getting it, I'm dancing old lady smile Young dudes laugh. Yeah, I'm doing it up. It's physical. Start to get hot. I've got this. Take off my sweatshirt, tie it around my waist. It flaps behind me like a tail.

I look toward the side and see my girlfriend frantically wave me over, trying to get me off the floor. I'm like, nah. Nah, nah, nah. Nah, nah, darling. Can't you see I'm feeling it? She runs over, wave me off the dance floor. Who died? What? She points at my shirt I look down And time Stops Cause I'm blazing on my chest It is horrible

Bug-eyed, buck-toothed, grinning, bright red racist caricature of Native Americans. The old Cleveland Indians baseball team Chief Wahoo in the middle of a several-thousand-person powwow. It was like putting on a Klan hood at a black church barbecue. And it's not even my shirt. I'm Detroit Tigers, but my roommate is from Ohio. Somehow in the dark. Trying not to wake anybody up, I must have grabbed this stuff. And it's like I've summoned darkness. Every single person in the entire arena turns around in slow motion and point at me to stare. A thousand pairs of angry eyes. At least that's what it feels like. Me scrambling to pull my hoodie up. I run off the dance floor, lickety split toward the exit. The announcer, he sees me. He's seen the whole sari displayed. He's like, no, no, no, no, no. This dance is not over. I'm scared to look around and see once friendly faces filled with hate. But when I lift my eyes, there's no anger. Surprise, surprise. This story, like most stories, isn't about me. Everyone's just trying to get it to the rhythm of the drum. Trying to show each other love. So I tried to dance, to dance, to move my feet. Stomping, stepping, stomping, stepping. Trying to dance over it, through it, to bury it. To bury it, that grinning thing burning on my chest. That old American demon. Still smiling. It's the first time, now. Now, Malachi and his husband, Jeremiah, they have a very special plan for this weekend. They're heading deep into the woods of Oklahoma for one of the most important stomp dances of the year, the Green Corn Ceremony. See, Jeremiah is Cherokee by blood,

and that makes this dance deeply personal. For Jeremiah's husband, Malachi, it's a first. Smoot.

We get into the car. We start driving past the city of Tulsa, start taking some back roads. I suddenly start to see tall grass surrounding us as we're driving. I don't see any buildings. Oh my gosh, where am I going? Where is this man taking me?

this is the first time my husband and I are both going to the ceremonial grounds but I have been going there since I was able to breathe outside of the womb this was the last stomp dance of the year they call it the green corn ceremony they've gotten all of the stuff harvested there's going to be like a feast and everything it's kind of like going to church, you're going home, and you're there to worship together, essentially. This is just an exciting thing in my head. I'm currently trying to just calm my heart because it's racing.

I just don't know why I'm so anxious. First of all, there's going to be a lot of people that I never met before. And then I'm a gay dude, and I don't know how they would react being around gay people. Also, I'm quite embarrassed because I have Cherokee Native American blood in me, but I hardly know anything about my own tribe. And so when he told me about the stomp dance, I was like, okay, well, I need to learn about those traditions.

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After about an hour and a half, we're literally out in the middle of nowhere.

And we enter into this clearing. I see tents, just camping tents, camping trailers, kids playing, some adults just sitting in their lawn chairs, talking, drinking coffee. We parked right next to his auntie's campground setup. I step out of the car. Jeremiah comes around the car, and he takes me to meet his auntie. She gives me a hug. She says, hi, Malachi, welcome. There was chairs and tables. There was a kitchen. And without anybody asking me, like, I just start tidying up the place. I don't know. Like, I start kind of setting the table, like, putting napkins and forks and stuff. I feel a tap on my shoulder. And it's Jeremiah, and he's laughing at me. He's like, okay, babe, I know you just, like, want to help and be helpful. But the men have to go outside. You need to leave. I'm like, oh, okay, got it.

so we're outside there's two of the other guys that have been chosen for the day's dance

i introduced them to my husband i start feeling very nervous because i don't know any of them eventually there was 50 60 people standing outside socializing very very quietly with each other. They're wearing these ceremonial ribbon shirts. It's a short-sleeved button-up shirt. And then on the back of their shirts, there's colorful ribbons lining across their shoulders. There's silk pink, silk red, silk blue ribbons. And it was just beautiful. all of a sudden we get called in to dinner i sit down at this very very long picnic table the table was covered in food there were bowls of vegetables chunks of cooked meat almost like a roast. It had the most wonderful flavor I had ever had before. After probably an hour, the sun finally goes down. We get to the ceremonial stump dance ground. There's probably There were probably a hundred people there of men and women and children sitting on these benches in a circle. The men were wearing their ribbon shirts. The women had these beautiful shaws over their shoulders. I started going towards where they were sitting, and I was stopped. Jeremiah said, no, no, no, no, no, you can't sit there. That's not for us to sit. They get to sit there. We get to sit behind them. I said, oh.

And so we sat in these lawn chairs behind this gentleman, which is the chief. The men and the women who got chosen for the day's dance take their seat next to the chief. They're sitting in front of us.

And everything just goes quiet. a fire starts to be built in the middle of the circle i can see the fire getting bigger and bigger and bigger almost like 10 feet tall

the chief stands up the fire is blazing right in front of him

One man starts chanting,

Come on out, come on out.

This woman stands up. She started tapping her way over to the fire. The women followed. Then the men stand up. There's one person singing. People start tapping their feet and they start moving around the fire. Jeremiah said they'll do five of these prayers and then they'll allow everybody else to come in. He said, okay. As they're doing the first initial thanks and prayers and chants, I can feel the warmth and the heat of the fire, even from where we were sitting. And all of a sudden, I don't know what happens, but I could not keep my eyes off the fire. The fire was so hypnotizing, and then I suddenly start to see different shapes and figures in the flickers of the flames. I could see what looked like animals kind of moving around. The more I focused in, the more vivid these figures were in the fire. I could see chickens, cattle, deer. they were just black silhouettes dancing and moving about the flames I was just second guessing myself like are you really seeing what you think you're seeing Malachi like I don't know but then I see people moving in that fire and I could see them plain as day They were shadows, they were silhouettes, but I could tell they were men and women. I was scared at first seeing these figures in the fire, but then I realized, like, you know, this is beautiful.

I'm just so hypnotized, and I do not want this moment to end. I don't want to break focus. all of a sudden everything just went quiet I kind of jolt or wake up or whatever you call it and next thing I know everyone is sitting back down around the fire Jeremiah said that was just an introduction now we'll sit here Thank you. And then when the time comes, we'll be called and we can enter in and join in the dance.

After the main dances are done, one of the men stands up and, Mieleko, Mieleko. At that point, everybody's welcome. My two aunts, my great aunt, everybody just kind of stands up and then we're all able to go.

Jeremiah was leaning over to me saying, if you want to come in and join, you can. But I said, you know, hang on. I just want to observe a little bit more. I just want to make sure I know what I'm doing before I jump in. So Jeremiah stands up and joins the dance. i was sitting behind i was trying to get back into the fire and try to see those figures again but as i was just trying to focus something caught my eye I looked just off to the corner, and on the right side of the stump ground was this man. He was by himself, kind of back in the trees and the shadows. he's very tall and he has a spear in his hand that was wooden with feathers at the top his face is rugged and sharp he's very muscular and he's just standing there but I was pretty frightened because he's staring just straight at me With such intensity, his eyes were so piercing, yellowish, gold. And I hear him say, What is your purpose for being here? I really felt terrified. I cannot hear his voice vocally. It's in my mind. It just made me shudder. It made me have this instant respect. And when that happened, everything just goes silent. The chanting ends. I break focus from him. and I was just kind of like, did I really just experience that?

we were walking back over to the lawn chairs where Malachi was malachi just seemed like something wasn't sitting right with him but i could tell that he was experiencing what was behind the veil you know seeing seeing things or experiencing things i looked over at him and i was like hey it's it's it's time to go like come on let's let's

go dance together i'm like okay i guess i i trusted him i got up i followed him and i get into the stomp ground i see an opening i kind of put myself in I couldn't think or focus on anything but the chanting and the deafening sound of the shell shakers I just start kind of moving my feet and doing the best I can It was almost like the music was speaking to me Left, right, go, breathe Next thing I know, I'm, I'm stomp dancing in unison with everybody else. I had goosebumps, just this feeling of you.

euphoria. Like, I feel like I'm kind of flying. And it was so spiritual. I felt connected to the people around me, to the music, to the fire. I was just a part of that. After that first dance, I go and sit down in the chair, and I was like, that was amazing. I don't know where Jeremiah goes at this point, but it's just me sitting in the chair, and I'm just kind of watching what's happening around me. All of a sudden, something big just kind of brushes past me. My chair even kind of moved a little bit, and I see very quickly, it was this smoky figure of a black four-legged dog or something, and it was big, it was massive. it jumped over the log in front of me and then kind of glided into the fire i just saw these sparks and these embers just kind of whoa i'm like what the hell jeremiah came back from wherever he was and i said black figure four legs jumped into the fire and he's like yeah that's a wolf

i was walking back to the chair at that time and i saw like a shadow kind of go over into the fire And I literally looked at him like, you saw my totem, which is the wolf.

I was like, a wolf? Are you serious? He said, yes. When we come and gather in moments like this, our spirits will come and join. They're here. We're not alone. It was about 3.30 in the morning. I was getting so tired. Jeremiah said, like, hey, you want to start heading back? The dance still continues until sunrise. And I said, it might be time to call it a night. We gave our thanks, and we started walking back towards where our car was. jeremiah he had gone to get our supplies and stuff that we brought to bring it back to the car i was just kind of standing there on my own and that's when i started to feel that tingle in my body something is here and i'm not alone i look out to the corner of my eye there he was again the same man from earlier in the night staring right at me it's probably a good 20 feet away from me kind of by some trees my heart starts racing again I start breathing heavy I don't want to look at him but I'm looking at him again our eyes connect this time he was more relaxed and he had more of like a friendly kind of a gaze and i could sense approval in his face i was able to just relax take a deep breath and i just started feeling good i don't know how long exactly it was but eventually i hear behind me all right let's go you ready i got the i got the keys as we were driving jeremiah he kind of broke the ice he was just like Babe, I'm really glad that you got to go there with me. I've wanted you to do that since we got married.

When all of us are together, our tribe is together, I feel like the veil is lifted. There is something else that's out there. There's something that's happening all around us at all times. And for him to have experienced that and to see the wolf brushing past him, seeing that person, whether that be like a protector of the land or somebody from the family from way back. for me personally I think it really solidified that he's accepted you are meant to be my life partner I might cry

that was the full circle moment for me I no longer would just be a bystander and he said now you've met the whole family and I was like ah

thank you Malachi and Jeremiah for sharing your story of the spooked original score was by Sandra Lawson the scouting for this was done by Ishal Lopez and was produced by Eric Yanez now a query in many many traditions around the world there's a reference to a shadow self to an entity that is related to you but that is not you in ireland this presence is called a fetch in norway a vatagor is a per spirit a pre-spirit a forerunner spirit it arrives before you do people hear your footsteps your voice your keys in the door your body moving through the house and then minutes later the real you arrives and does the same thing in japan an ikiro leaves the person's body and acts elsewhere often during intense emotion jealousy rage grief longing and so if you dear listener if you have a shadow self i would sure love to know about it i only tell a million or so of the best people on earth spooked at snapjudgment.org because there's nothing better than a spook story from a spooked listener spook studios lie directly beneath hope and despair between monsters and angels deep beneath kqd in san francisco don't seek to find it lest it seek to find you if you see someone sneaking around with video cameras mounted to their cyber truck run up tell them hey hey hey hey no snap studios content may be used for training testing or developing machine learning or ai systems without prior written permission on Team Spooked. The union-represented producers, artists, editors, engineers, are members of the National Association of Broadcast Employees and Technicians, Communications Workers of America, AFL, CIA, Local 51. Spooked is brought to you by the sexy team that knows its way around the dance floor. Except for Mark Ristich. Mark, post move with the B. Not against it. There's Davey Kim Zoe Frigno Eric Yanez Marissa Dodge Regina Beriaco Miles Lassie Teo DeCott Sue Yee Chu Evan Stern Eve's Jeffcoat Ishelle Lopez Jack Darrell Doug Stewart Nicholas Marks The Spook theme song It's by Pat McIntyre Miller My name's from Washington

And my traditions were broken stolen away by the middle passage by loss and preachers and distance and indifference and this has been both a curse and a gift because absent of tradition I've got to make my own for myself for my kids because traditions are connectors to place to time and without them without ritual you can feel lost and so many so many of us feel lost, unmoored, knowing full well there is more, but unable to find our way home, and this loss, this bewilderment, can lead us down dark roads, struggling for the very connection that should be ours by birth, that should be yours by birth, and And if you're looking for a ceremony... A practice, a ritual, a metaphor to affirm your place, your connection to everything that is. One place I know to begin this journey is to never, ever, ever, never, ever turn out the lights.

Transcription by CastingWords