Muse

Hi. Hi. Where's Stevie? Um, I don't know, but she will be back in 15 minutes. What are you doing? I'm checking the mail. Did you know that you can still get mail? Yes, I know about mail. No, but I'm talking about, like, mail mail. Like a little man in a uniform with his satchel full of letters traveling door to door.

Um, that's a mailman, and he comes to your house, you pay him, and he gives you your stuff. i think it's free delivery i don't think how far into the 15 minutes do you think we are

the faces may not look familiar but the voices this zany radio team have developed a unique

style of frolicking on the airwaves i don't read the newspaper i don't watch news on television unless there's a cat involved.

Do you have any music, Carl?

I have the internet radio. I love internet radio. You've come to the right place, because I have that. Here I've been talking with the most intelligent people in the world, and I never even noticed.

Actually, you know what, I could email you, or you know, you could email me at splet2 at spletnet.net. Splet1's my father. I mean, I'll be sad to see him go, but it would be nice to get my hands on my handle.

All right, hello, good morning, and welcome, everyone, to a Tuesday edition of TBTL. A show that just might be too beautiful to live. Gotta do it again, right now. My name is Luke Burbank. I am your host. Coming to you from the Nest Broadcast Center, high in the sky, above Portland, Oregon.

I am extraordinary!

We are trying something new on this Tuesday. We are using a whole new broadcast system, a new way for Andrew and I to connect. which is a kind of a high-tech system that involves video and audio and other things.

Isn't that for techno geeks with spreadsheets?

The main thing, though, is that he can see my face right now and I can see his face. Look at this face. What do you see? It's a level of transparency between two cobros that I don't know if I'm ready for. We'll dig into this coming up in a moment here on episode 3390 in a collector's series. Let the fun begin. I also am very excited today to announce victory in a long, long running battle between me and an international car company.

I'm in it to win it.

I will explain how Burbs was playing the long game since, I don't know, age three until 44 coming up here. Also, there was a reputed mafia member from Italy who was hiding out internationally. He was hiding out in the Dominican Republic for years and was very wanted by Italian authorities. And they finally were able to capture him because of the cooking videos that he was putting up online.

Hey, where's the freaking gabagoo?

I promise you I did not elevate this story to the show sheet just so that I could play this drop. But I'm also not sad.

Hey, where's the freaking gabagoo?

I went over to visit my brother David from the basement's birthday yesterday. Oh, slight correction. He's 25. 25 this is the the way i remember his age is that there's 20 years of of age difference except for this brief period between march and may where we are only 19 years apart so anyway sorry about that i regret the error but anyway i went over to um uh visit with family for davy's birthday and my brother-in-law josh uh they were hosting it uh i got there he said you know josh is like an amazing chef and really good with charcuterie. And he said, I know you don't eat meat, but we got right over there. Freaking gabagoo. And I was almost tempted to eat it just for the bit, but I did not. Oh, and I don't know if we're going to have time for this, and honestly, I don't know if this is a thing that we care about on this show. Is this a thing people care about? No! But, um, this art collective has put out these Nike shoes. They're actually knockoffs of nike shoes and they apparently have a minuscule amount of the employees blood injected into the shoe little nas x was involved in the rollout of this anyway they've been sued by nike and it's creating a satanic panic as they say because the shoes have a lot of kind of satanic you know imagery around them and also biblical stuff and people are getting freaked out and reminds me very much of being a kid growing up in the evangelical christian church so if we have time maybe we'll delve into that we'll definitely delve into talking to this guy, the longest-running Cobra of the show, known for his drawings of the tall ships. Since we are on camera today looking at each other, I'm hoping that he keeps it clean, if possible. Oh, explicit. Ooh. He is Andrew Walsh, and he's joining me right now from the Roosevelt neighborhood of Seattle, Washington. Good morning, my

handsome young stranger friend. Good morning. You can now watch me wince as I get ready for you to play my drop every day. You can see The pain that crosses my face as I wait to find out how I will be burned by my own words. By the way, quick question. Is that Kenan Thompson in that Is This Something We Care About No clip? Wow, good ear. Well, you've been playing it for a while, and I like him. I don't follow SNL stuff. We can talk about this video shit in a second. But is he still on SNL, I guess is my question. Yeah.

Has he been on forever? He has been on forever. I believe he's the longest, you know, running cast member really now. And he's also got another show that they developed, I think, where he's like a weatherman and and gets up to all kinds of adventures. That's called Keenan. That's also on NBC, which they started producing during the pandemic. So he has had other jobs. In fact, I have a vague memory of him at one point. I think maybe he was announcing that he was on his final season of SNL, but then clearly that didn't happen. and I mean he's I think he's interesting he's a real Swiss army knife you might say I mean they he's in feels like he's in almost every sketch he's always great they love him there so maybe they just I don't know maybe they convinced him not to leave if he was considering it but

but yeah he's still there that's good I don't yeah and I'm not in that world very much but like I know him mostly from like like black jeopardy those things go viral quite a bit and I think what's up with that right what's up with that and he's just a lovable presence so I just for a second you played that drop and I was just thinking like yeah wait a second is that right is that him and has he been around forever and I guess I guess so how are you feeling how are you feeling looking at looking at my face me looking at your face and your body I'm okay looking at your

face what I'm worried about long term with this is maybe a certain amount of I'm going to call it zoom fatigue even though that's not the system we're using we're using something called Riverside right now and I'm a little worried about because if you and i were in like if we were at your house recording this or if we were at a radio station we would be looking at each other and i think that would make the show better being able to read each other's reactions um you know for timing purposes you name it but if we were in those scenarios we wouldn't be seeing our own faces i would be seeing your face uh and that would be my brain is used to processing that what I think we now know from having spent over a year on these video conferencing type of deals is that it's weirdly exhausting to have to have your brain interpret the information of looking at your own face all the time maybe there's a setting where I don't see my face that's what

I'm looking for as we speak I probably shouldn't be messing around with settings while we're doing I'd also be afraid though to not look at my own face because what if I was doing something

embarrassing I mean that's my level of vanity I don't really jog by a mirrored window without at least checking in on how it's going by the way spoiler alert not great usually not great but just

try to look at your feet in that mirrored window that's your that's your hot spot right right i

i'm also my um what else i was gonna go with gams or getaway sticks but those are much more those are leg related um i call my feet my cash cows because that's how that's how i supplement my income with my i did you know we need to have a little more conversation around this technology And also if the listeners want to see video of us Because that's kind of woven into this whole thing But I did realize the other day After I had cut my toenails with scissors Because remember how I didn't have toenail clippers here? I do One day I got a little desperate And I had to have some like scissors So I was like I can at least get at some of the more problematic toenails with these scissors

And I did It actually weirdly worked okay-ish I cannot believe you didn't cut yourself I cannot believe this is not like the A segment on Monday's show. Is that like, well, I have a bandaged toe because I cut off half my toe while trying to trim my claws.

It's more doable than you would think. I was surprised. But anyway, I did use scissors to actually show you, Andrew. See, this is the beauty. Don't show me the clippings.

These are the scissors.

Have you washed them since? Of course not.

What do you mean? Just throw them. You have a dishwasher now. Throw those bad boys in the dishwasher. I do it all the time. You wash scissors in the dishwasher I do

What is the cross-contamination of scissors That could happen Assuming you don't clip your toenails with that

I don't and I also feel that We have two pairs

of scissors in the kitchen right one in our utility drawer which is just like for anything and then of course a nice pair of scissors that came you know that's in our knife block so obviously the scissors in the knife block should be reserved for food only Genevieve um and I only use it you know for cutting like maybe fat away like I roasted the chicken the other night had to cut some fat and feathers away um so those obviously um get uh they get cleaned

I just wash those I have a pair of those like kitchen shears they're part of the knife block they sit you know in a slot Yeah. And if I were to, although I don't, I'm not cutting up chicken with them, I might be, I'm trying to think what I would even use them for where they'd come in contact with food. I just use them for cutting open things in the kitchen. Like, you know, boxes of like whatever. But if they seem like they might need to be washed, I would just hand wash them.

Yeah, I don't put those in the dishwasher because they're too nice, frankly. I shouldn't put those in the dishwasher. But our regular just utility scissors, you know, like regular scissors, like the ones you just held up, we do have some of those in the kitchen. And, yeah, like while mostly those are just used for opening boxes or what have you, sometimes they are used to open a bag of food or some snap peas. I used them to open snap peas the other day. And so, you know, they're getting kind of close to food. So every now and then if I look down at them and I just think, you're a messy little scissors, aren't you? I'll throw them in the dishwasher.

Well, the thing that I was surprised to find in my dop kit, my little kind of overnight bag where I have all my hair things and various whatever, is a pair of toenail clippers, Andrew, that have just been in this apartment since I moved here. I had toenail clippers the entire time and was, first of all, just letting my toes go feral, then cutting them with scissors.

So they did get pretty bad. I kind of slept on the main point of that. You were running this experiment to see would you ever have to cut your toenails or would nature just somehow take over and regulate that? I guess we have the answer.

Yeah, nature bats last, I think, is the answer because at some point I was like, this is going to get uncomfortable. It wasn't actually my big toes. it was the little side toes that are kind of all crump all kind of smashed up those ones were starting to get some sharp edges yeah which would then kind of you know dig into the other toes and become a problem anyway good news everyone i've got toenail clippers but back to the the conversation about you and i looking at each other uh andrew the other thing that makes me a little bit nervous if this becomes the new way that we're doing the show and part of the reason we're trying this is because there's some conversation about us trying to generate a little bit more video content maybe there would be a way to kind of i don't know kind of pull uh you know a minute of although you've learned trying to do this day in tbgl history that our show is rarely um succinct it's rarely like something that is like a minute of content that you could throw up on youtube also does anybody want to see a couple of middle-aged white guys talking into these microphones which is everywhere on the internet these days you know everyone has a podcast but so we're thinking about a video thing but I'm also realizing that I have very much slid into the mode of liking the fact that we can't see each other because it just gives me so many options I can go for a I haven't done it today but some days if I go for a jog before the show I'm sitting here probably I've taken a shower maybe sometimes I haven't if I'm cutting it especially close but so I could be in my running gear i could still be sweating profusely could be freshly out of the shower maybe even in a bathrobe i have options now if we go to this model i don't have options because i would not want to subject you to any of those things in fact even today i have this like pepto-bismol colored dot beneath my nose which is uh it's zit cream it's this mario badescu drying lotion that i wear Because, Andrew, I'm a soon-to-be 45-year-old man who's still getting pimples. And, like, on a normal day, that would just be on my face until I went for a jog, came home, showered, and was ready to, like, face the world. But today, because we're doing this and because the timing didn't work out for me to do all of that before the show, you're just seeing me on natural. So maybe the real question to you is, can you handle this? Like, can you day in and day out look at a man who has zit drying lotion on his face and have like a, you know, have a real conversation with him? Well, for starters, I can't see that.

So now I understand that, like, if you were to say something really brilliant and funny right now and we wanted it to go viral and we took this video and tried to distribute it to the world, it'd probably be a higher quality. And maybe the viewers could see that. And that would be problematic. So that would be on your end. And for my experience sitting here talking to you, I can't even really see it because you're just a little – you're just a little square. Well, now he's shoving his lip into the camera. I don't like that in general, whether you had something on your lip or not. I don't like that. Yeah, my whole thing is, so we're just playing around here. We have a little trial period with this thing, and our dear friend, Eric the Viking Stromstad, suggested we give it a shot. And at first I was like, well, I like our audio-only system that we have now. We have it pretty dialed in. Why do we need to change it?

Can I clarify for people? Because I never even actually, I assumed people understood this, but generally speaking, you and I cannot see each other when we're doing the show. Yeah. And haven't for like 3,000 episodes or something. Right. Not that many, but you know what I mean. For the majority of this show, we have not lived in the same city, and we have just been talking to each other, but without being able to see each other. So that's why this is a big new thing.

Nine times out of ten, I'm in the bathroom doing the show, usually sitting on the throne, Al Bundy style. And then I come out, and then I sit in my studio, and I just put my four fingers, just the very tips of them, in my belt, in my belt area. God, when is Peg going to cut you a break? I know. Anyway We just hit the end of your married with children knowledge Yeah I really did

That's what I heard happening there Right right right Okay well I got a David Faustino reference in me There's a daughter and a son We got a Christina Applegate Amanda Beard maybe

I believe was Marcy the neighbor Quickly slip into don't tell mom the babysitter's dead material I got a little bit on that They're shooting the dishes because they don't want to wash them anyway um yeah so anyway i was like no i think we're good but then eric's like well we have this free trial give it a shot and as we're talking about it i was actually thinking the idea of us capturing the video and using it as a secondary purpose somehow it's nice to know that that's an option although that's not a huge driver for me um part of it the first first thing that went off is oh the show will be better if luke and i can look at each other like that was like i was like oh yeah and like i even think you know today's tuesday right um yesterday's a monday mondays are always my worst day for tbtl i don't know if it's because i stay up too late on sundays or if it's because i'm just out of practice um because i haven't done the show in two days but i thought you know there's something about having to look at a co-host will probably make me a little bit more present you know as opposed to like uh i'm gonna maybe sneak just see what this email is that we just got from the sales people you know during the show i figured it's probably better if i'm just like more present and on my um my look never changes i don't i don't jog or do anything that it would cause me to sweat before the show like you so and you've always been wearing like

see you i i started off this way in the pandemic where i i was important to me that i like put on you know my normal clothes that i would be wearing for the day like before we recorded i'd try to get you know get all my stuff done before the show in terms of if i was going to work out etc and because i wanted to feel i didn't want to slip into just like permanent soft clothes mode and then at some point i kind of did you know like i just stopped like at some point in at some point every day i put on hard clothes like and i'm ready for the world usually it's related to live wire because like for instance and um an hour or two after this i'm gonna be on an interview with uh hanif abdul rakib who's a really good writer uh and we're going to be on zoom and i'll be seeing him and he'll be seeing me and elena and the whole thing for that i will be all gussied up right you're going to stick your uh your your pink lip in his face uh probably not um i don't know him that way unless he asked though i mean i would i know him i know him well enough that if he said hey uh what's going is that a little mario bedescu a little dab That would be so great. That little Badescu dab. By the way, I just actually dabbed, and Andrew was able to see that. You did. I got to see it. So that's different.

In audio-only world, I would assume that you just said you dabbed, but you actually dabbed. I think we just got our minute of viral YouTube content, my friend.

Dads who dab. But anyway, so I guess my point is that I've started slipping on making sure that I'm presentable for this show that I do with you because we haven't been able to see each other and i'm with you i think the show will be better if we actually are looking at each other it will force me to take it more seriously uh in terms of like making sure that i've just i'm i'm showered i'm looking somewhat presentable um the part of it is i don't like to wear a i don't think i look very good in baseball caps i have an increasingly round face and a baseball cap only in rounds it i think is the term that doctors use and so that's a question for me is hairdo like what you're looking at right now this is i this is just i got up and this is what my hair looks like really it looks really good i'm not even joking it's you got this good like point it's i see yeah go ahead it's because last because i went and visited with family yesterday and so i kind of had like combed it and put my little pop in it and done my whole thing and it was relatively the same this morning when i got up but it could have just as easily been like totally crazy at which point i would then need to either make sure that i'm showered and redone which again is a little bit of a process sadly or i'd have to put a ball cap on which i i can't i grew up wearing baseball caps i was obsessed with them i used all my extra lawn mowing money to buy baseball caps when i was a kid and at some point i just realized I don't like how I look in them anymore And so that's a situation If we're going to make videos and they're going to go on the internet I've got to figure out a hair situation

Or a cap situation First of all, a few things Number one, and we shouldn't spend too much time on this But think about a top hat Like a top hat is going to not make your face too round It's going to elongate your face I just made you do a spit take

You wouldn't have known that

Are you hamming it up for the camera? No, I'm not

You actually got me with that one

the top hat thing i mean i did not expect that that is a look that is one thing i actually want to talk about this maybe more at another time like i want to think about more hat options for myself because honestly this is the one thing it's a dangerous game dano you see actually my hair doesn't even look as bad right now because it's pushed down because i was wearing a hat but before i put on this hat this morning i was looking at myself in this zoom like thing and it's like i'm my hair is kind of getting to that point where it's like long in some places but majorly bald and others and it's just not a good combination so I definitely am especially for like looking at myself I don't think about think about it when I'm out in the world like is this person looking at how bald I am I don't think about it but when I am looking at myself I don't like to look at this so I feel you on that so I do like wearing hats but I like to think that my options go beyond baseball hats and you know for a while now I've been wearing for years and I've been wearing a little green like Castro style hat as we say but I feel like there are more options out there i mentioned to you the other day i'm thinking about like getting kind of a newsboy cap kind of thing what did you call him a pap cap or something oh a cap no a jeff cap a jeff cap yeah yeah um a davey rothbart right and i think there are some other options out there too that you might want to explore if you're interested no pressure the problem is i've i've tried this

before and and and like reinventing my hat game like and and it's it's gotten dangerously close to fedora town which then later i wiped out thankfully but um just like uh but like i have one time i bought you know i always talk about that store canoe here in portland yeah kind of fancy designing i never did i give you the full update that like me and the guy who i thought was kind of a little standoffish when i around the holidays when i was getting gift certificates from there and things and that he and i had a full-on like 45 minute sesh no time well okay so i'll finish that thought in a moment but i they had this hat that they sold that i thought was kind of cool looking and it was i feel like it was not quite okay so like a bucket hat are you familiar with like what a bucket hat is it's very popular for younger people but it's just i mean it's kind of like how it sounds well uh you know it's just kind of like a a floppier hat that just kind of comes straight down oh yeah almost looks like you have a little bucket on your head like

a menergy grebs hat the kids aren't calling him that or no no not menergy grebs um uh gilligan

island right yes like a gilling per second although you're still in the bob denver verse yes exactly so i get where your brain was doing there so like that kind of hat they had like one that was you could kind of flip it up so it wasn't fully bucketed out you could flip the brim up a little bit and have kind of a little thing going on and i saw that hat and i thought maybe this will be my by the way it wasn't cheap i think it was like because of that store it's like 70 i bought it and uh and just tried really hard to wear it and and just like put it out of my mind that i was trying something with a hat this is always my problem with any kind of new fashion endeavor or hat endeavor is i can't get out i can't get it out of my head that i'm trying to do something and and that everyone's just laughing at me and so i just i'm just deeply uncomfortable and then i eventually i what i did i took the hat back which i was surprised that they even took it on return it felt like an affectation to you too much right anything that's not a baseball cap to me feels for me like an affectation i just don't understand how people are able to just wear hats like that aren't a baseball cap and not feel like they're pretending to be somebody they're not that's how I feel inside all the time the irony by the way of me returning a hat to a store is that I've you know I've built most of my entertainment career on this one lice poem that I learned in grade school share a toy share a ride share the feelings deep inside but never share a hat or comb or lace would make your head their home. and i basically did that viral moment right there i took i took that hat back to a store where somebody else could potentially have lace making their head their home how many times did you wear the hat probably like outdoors yeah out in public maybe once maybe not even it may not have even gotten across the threshold of the burbank springs broadcast center i am surprised they took it back and this is during covid no no no this was like a couple years ago oh okay i

I thought this was – because it was Canoe, I thought it was – because Canoe is the place that's in Portland, right?

Yeah, but I've been going there for years and having a very complicated relationship because I am very, very attracted to the stuff that they sell. It's very curated and designy, but I also have always felt kind of like the vibe from the people that own it is that they just don't need my business. Like they're not obsequious in the way that a lot of places are when you're in like a retail relationship. and so that for some reason rubbed me wrong because i kind of felt like hey i'm the customer but um what i learned in my long talk with the one of the co-owners of it is um they don't need my business and it was kind of liberating he was like we were talking about the store and he said you know how they've been doing during the pandemic and by the way we totally hit it off i really enjoyed talking to the guy so beef squashed but he was like yeah you know we just do so much online sales that the store is you know uh we like having it and we like being able to connect with people this way but we a huge part of our business is really online in other words i don't think that like me coming in there and wanting them to uh you know give me this like real white glove service around these salt and pepper shakers i'm buying for forty dollars that's just not their business model and it was apparent to me but now that i understand what the deal is and now that me and this guy kind of broke down we're all good but um anyway so what are that let me ask you this are there any other hats we actually probably should go to a break we're nearing a half hour on this are there any other hats that you have considered uh besides your fidel castro look your what you're already doing your jeff cap which you haven't yet done or i don't know a bowler hat i think you might hide a knife in and throw like if you were like in one of those like british kind of i don't know what you call what do you call those um the avengers type of movies no that's not the one what's the one where oh the real british It's like the Knights, the Kingsman. Right. Kingsman? Yeah. Is that the movie where they write Louie Louie?

What is that? This is – people are going nutso right now. Is it Kingsman? It's something like that.

Something like – it's got the –

It's like the wild royal Kingsman of yore. It's got Colin Firth in it. Right, yeah.

It's like Colin Firth is telling a bunch of young people how to be better at throwing knives that they have in their bowler hats.

I guess it's just called Kingsman. Whoa! We got there. Kingsman, the Secret Service, and Kingsman, the Golden Circle. You got there a long time ago, and I just refused to believe it. I refused to believe it.

I also think I got there with – aren't the Kingsman the band that wrote Louie Louie? I think so. I was going along with that. I used to have that on 45. They're from Seattle is the only reason I know that. It's like a big thing. It always – when you – when they – the big move at Seattle Mariners games, of course, is you go from take me out to the ball game. then when that's done old ball game do do do rolls right into it rolls right into a Louie Louie by the Kingsman

weren't there rumors I'm going to get back to hat talk in a second here weren't there rumors that it was an early rock and roll song and the lyrics were all kind of jumbled and hard to understand and therefore people thought there were some pretty fresh lyrics in there as your family might say

Yes, I do think that that's the – and I think they may have been fresh lyrics that were being kind of intentionally obscured in some way. And I also think there's a decent chance that the song itself was stolen from, you know, like some other – like it was a re – it was kind of a re-recording of a song that was probably kicking around the universe, you know, for years. I have some vague memory of it having been, I don't know if it was Jamaican or something, but that would also just check out with the basically history of all pop music in America was that it was stolen from somebody at some point, usually a person of color. Are you familiar with Gorin hats? Yes, that's where before I went on Camaro Kev's Wedding Cruise, that was one of the many times, Andrew, I decided to reinvent my hat game. And I spent a lot of time at Gorin hats because they have a bunch of different hats that are not baseball caps. And I forget – I mean I think I bought two or three of them and tried like mad to make them a thing on this. cruise that we were doing around you know the the mediterranean i don't even know what ocean that is but um i could never i just couldn't pull it off and it's more on me than the goran hats folks

but do you see one that's that's interesting to you well i went to goran to get so genevieve is a big fan of the um beret she's been wearing berets for a long time and so for her birthday or maybe anniversary last year i went down to goran and i got i'd never heard of it before i just googled saddle hat shops and um i got her kind of a nicer beret it's kind of a kind of ox blood color uh beret and um you know just say like let's up the game a little bit if you're committed to the if you're committed to the to the um beret let's let's do it right and when i was down there one thing i think really stood out about my transaction with them is i bought this hat, which wasn't, you know, super cheap. And they gave me a punch card. And I was like, what an interesting thing for an expensive hat shop to have a punch card where I got to, you know, buy 10 caps before I get one free. Well, that's like, you know, that's a mortgage on my non-existent house, you know, 10 caps at Gore. And I mean, not quite, but I just said, I don't think I've ever seen a punch card associated with a higher end store where I'd have to spend a significant amount of money to but because of that it stuck in my head by the way that was pre-covid so obviously i don't have the card anymore and i doubt they're still doing the doing the deal but um it did stick in my head and i was like well i gotta use that punch card go down there and get me some of those what they're um called on the website here are just flat caps and you got stuff that fit the more kind of jeff cap or uh kind of maybe call it a golf cap they have great names for these you got the mickey roberts you got the big game the winter chill the big game is like a cabbie hat so it's kind of like a golf hat that's like kind of more poofy with a button on top it looks like the big

game looks like somebody from peaky blinders yeah would be wearing it now real kind of you know organized crime in in in new york city amongst recently immigrated irish i think that might be

a little bit much on me but the one to the right of it now this is really ridiculous we're just looking at a website together maybe we should just not do this by video anymore but um the The Gatsby. I don't blame the video. Don't blame the video. The Gatsby to the right of it, I can see that. It's kind of like a golf cap, but, you know, again, a Gatsby-style hat. Like, I could see myself playing in any of this space, basically, without feeling too much like it's an affectation. I don't think I could go with any of these fedoras. It's just, you know, not me. Those are beautiful, though. What about the Nighthawk Widebrim Fedora? I'm looking for this. In the Name of Love. Oh, these are under fedoras, huh? See, I was just skipping that because, I mean, they're beautiful, but I'd have to be pretty dressed up to wear one of those things.

Yeah, I mean, there are some of these fedoras that I'm seeing here, which are like, just imagine something Cam Newton would be wearing at a press conference, right? Cam Newton has really gone all in with the wide-brimmed kind of like felt fedora, and it looks good on him because it's Cam Newton. Yeah, and he's got a whole style that goes along with it.

beautiful man yeah if i put one of these on with my style just be like why why is that bum wearing

a fedora it would i don't think it would match with your look and i and i don't think it would match with mine either and even though looking at these hats on the models from the website i think well that's but that would always happen to me too when i was a kid i would be looking through i'd be at the supercuts training center um and i'd be flipping through the book of all the like potential haircuts you can get and i'd be seeing all these haircuts and i'd be thinking well those look really good and then at some point and i would get one can you do it like this and then it wouldn't look like that on me and i realized oh because the people in the catalog are models yeah any hairdo looks good on them because they're models just like any hat looks good on these dudes because they're they're models so yeah all right anyway we got to take a quick break here i don't think we've gotten any closer to deciding if this is going to be our our our forever video our

forever solution of doing the show but um are we doing the thing where we remove one piece a piece of clothing at each break are we doing the thing where i can't say the s sound and i'm reverting back to third grade before speech therapy uh we're doing both of those things okay actually so speech therapy means that you're working out your issues by talking them out right no that's talk therapy oh that's talk therapy okay i had speech class whatever you call it right which now for which

you now need talk therapy i know exactly the irony yeah all right let's take a quick break and then we'll be back and i'll explain how i have finally defeated a major international car corporation uh coming up in a moment here on tbtl on your mark on your mark get set get set

now ready ready go everybody rattle all right let's thank some dazzling donors these are wonderful

generous, long-suffering helpful listeners who are donating each month to the show and that is making it possible for us to do this, whether by video, by audio only, or just me leaning my head out of my window and yelling in the direction of Seattle. Whatever form this show ends up taking, it's because of these dazzling donors and really all of the people who donate to the show. What we do like to do though for the dazzling donors is kind of turn everything over to them for a minute or two and uh today we want to say thanks to christy brook house of belleville ontario wow getting a ontario uh 10 checking in uh we all know this last year has been rough i just want to take a minute to thank you guys luke and andrew for the community you've built i feel lucky that i've been able to still be working every day even with all of the lockdowns and etc i'm a pharmacy technician well that seems like it's got to be one of the non one of the few jobs you can't do over zoom right right Andrew right zoom so Christy has been I would figure going into work and doing so safely I feel lucky they've been able to support the show thank you Christy I was never a pharmacy technician Andrew I did work at a pharmacy mostly my job was to break down cardboard boxes yeah and steal things um i did steal from that store but not while i worked there oh okay which is kind of ironic i would have it would have been a better system because like i'm sure that i would have aroused less suspicion shoplifting from craigen's pharmacy while i was also an employee of craigen's pharmacy an inside job right i didn't i i i well the only way that i stole from them while i worked there was that i just hated working there and so i would always just try to leave before my shift was over, but the punch card was one of those really loud things that you slide a little piece of paper into, and it goes, kunk, kunk. Yeah, very satisfying. And Wally, the pharmacist, would hear that, kunk, kunk, and be like, where are you going? But that's different than stealing, because, I mean, I was the one that was losing the money, you know, the hourly wage that I would have been earning.

Right, I was gonna, yeah, I thought, like, if you left and didn't kunk, kunk, and then came back, and didn't, I also wish I would have thought of that, back in then you could have of course that's like a different that's a different style of wage theft usually wage theft goes one way this would be kind of a different a different approach yeah

well i didn't have i didn't think of any of that stuff when i was working there but um we do appreciate uh christy you supporting the show and i'm guessing maybe that she is able to listen while we're while she's teching that pharmacy um christy says this show and my fellow tens make the days less exhausting and less sad thank you for being on slack and the stens page and for the card exchanges i may not be very active online but i truly enjoy having a place to go read and hear about what is going on in your lives it really helps me through the days and brings a smile to my face no matter how bad my day has been i want to also shout out my friend and 10 pal kelly hedgecock hi friendo big hugs to you it's been so nice to have a new friend to write to and to get to know because this world feels like a lonely place these days but it's less lonely because i have you many hugs and much love from canada power out ah thanks christy i i feel like a bit of a broken record when we when we have these dazzling donor moments because if the dazzling donors are not saying something very nice about you and i andrew they're saying something very nice about the tbtl community and i will just at the risk of being super repetitive just say that community is incredible and that's really the that's the thing tbtl has going for it so it's really nice to hear uh how christy has been interacting with folks uh in the online space and also with kelly her 10 pal um so anyway thanks christy for uh supporting the show and good luck up there in old Belleville, Ontario. The maestro?

On your mark. On your mark. Get set. Get set. Now ready. Ready. Go. Everybody rattle, dattle.

We got to thank Pamela Halberg of Bellingham, Washington. A place near and dear to my heart. Pamela says, hoi hoi. I just listened to Luke say he thinks he wants to be a lawyer. as a therapist i hear folks all day long say they are too old to change i want everyone to know that it is never too late to make a change you will be okay life is short make the most of it power out also thanks for being a consistent presence in the midst of this uncertain year that's from pamela uh now this raises a question for me andrew you know i lived in bellingham and i uh went to therapy in bellingham i wonder

wonder if there was a chance like if there was ever even a small chance that i would have sort of partnered up if you will if i would have had a client therapist relationship with pamela as my therapist and if that would have been like a hipaa violation like if you're if you listen to like if and pamela maybe you can tell us the rules on this if pamela was a 10 and then you know my insurance let's be honest our insurance doesn't pay for shit for therapy if if my bank account Connected up with Pamela And I went in there for therapy Would that be some kind of ethical violation For a 10 to also be my therapist

I think that the therapist Would need to recuse themselves Or at least let you know That they're a listener And let you make that decision I don't think I don't think any therapist Who listens to TBTL regularly Would take the gig First of all you just sound like a handful Secondly, I just think that –

I mean couldn't we work out a system where at the end of the week the therapist just emails me their thoughts? The solutions? Yeah, because I mean this is essentially a therapy session. I'm putting it all out there. And then at the end of the week they can just – they could just kind of send me a little folder of – well, when you were talking about your embarrassment around hat wearing and how you feel like an imposter when you're wearing a hat, maybe this is what's going on for you. Or have you – maybe this is a way to think about that or whatever.

I mean you're already doing that with your insurance. Your agent, of course, is a listener, right? Kevin O'Brien. Kevin O'Brien. So every time you, I don't know, crash a boat, steal a car, whatever you get up to. What is the insurance company's role when you steal a car, by the way? I've always been a little bit confused about that. I believe they take a dim view. They take a dim – okay, dim view.

Can I mention, though, really quickly on the subject of my boat crashes, this is how you know somebody is really a 10 or that TBTL is really living in their head. A few different people were tweeting at me when this whole The Ever Given thing was going down that they was reminding them of TBTL stories and they were wondering if it was something I could get in there and help solve. And I really did when I heard that – initially heard the story or figured out what was going on with that thing blocking the Suez Canal, I was just imagining the captain of the ship and just what was going through their mind as things were just going off the rails and as the ship was sort of becoming lodged in the Suez Canal. And I just thought that was – I think it felt worse to me to crash my boat, honestly. Yeah, my boat crash emotionally for me was a worse feeling than who the captain of the Ever Given.

I have not been following this story, you know, super closely. Has the captain do we know who the captain is? Has that person been interviewed or spoke?

I have not seen any mention of the captain. And I I mean, as opposed to like the Exxon Valdez, right, that was like Joseph Hazelwood was the skipper of the Valdez. That was the oil tanker that, like, ran aground in Alaska and then, you know, shed all this oil. It was a terrible environmental disaster, and he was found to have been drinking. I think the joke when I was a kid, which I didn't even get. I was about to tell you this. You know this joke? Yes. All right.

How many captains does it take to drive an Exxon Valdez? How many? One in a fifth. That's how I learned what a fifth was.

i never even questioned what a fifth was i would just tell that joke without knowing what it was even a reverend and then as an adult i was like oh a fifth got it right drinking i haven't seen that guy became you know was really kind of vilified and maybe rightfully so although i wouldn't be surprised if if there was more to that story than we realize it feels like there always is you know what i mean like just a i could see a like a i don't know who would do this piece But I could see a like – it's time that we revisit Joseph Hazelwood piece about what was going on with him at the time. But I haven't seen any of that kind of stuff around whoever was skippering the ever-given. Like they're blaming it on a sandstorm and on some funky currents that were going on that kind of – so it doesn't seem like it was – yeah, whoever was at the helm is not being vilified, at least in the media that I'm seeing.

But that moment of panic, they must have been feeling. I mean, you felt that. I mean, that's something about boats, right? Which, of course, I don't have a boat. I've steered a boat from time to time. So, you know, I guess I'm an expert. You've watched me fire a flare off a boat. Yes. And I was less surprised that you fired a flare. There were some more responsible people on that boat who I was surprised. No names. But there were more responsible people who also fired flares that I found shocking. But, you know, I know that the thing about a boat is like there is you've got to be comfortable with those little moments where you're not you don't have like full control of the boat the way you do a car that's on on pavement. Right. It's kind of like driving in the snow a little bit.

when you're going really, really slow and you just know, okay, I'm going to fishtail here, but that's part of the deal. And so those moments of panic with a boat, I could imagine being heightened as the boat gets bigger and bigger. I mean, obviously, if this person is piloting this thing, they have a lot of experience. I don't think that – I mean, they at least probably had their license, which is something that I don't think you would necessarily have going for you. Why would I need one? You got it.

What I did have, Andrew, was the number for the boat tow guy on in my favorites.

Toby. In the favorites. Before me. Before higher in the list than me.

Well, you know, one day you'll make it into the faves. You'll make it into my five, Andrew. Yeah. Anyway, I do wonder if that person will ever pilot a boat again. Good question. I mean, I don't know enough about the – I mean, if the conditions were like – If the conditions were just almost sort of force majeure, like this could happen – this would happen to anyone who is piloting. I mean I can tell you this. It will be the – I'm sure it will be something that is looked at very, very closely because there's going to be massive amounts of lawsuits and insurance. This will be very studied as to if this was operator error or if this was unpreventable. So I guess at some point we will know. Can I just say this really quick because I'm doing everything in my power to keep us off of the top stories. Why, I don't know. I heard a guy on All Things Considered yesterday who I loved so much. He's an expert on the Suez Canal. Like he wrote a book about – or about shipping, and he knew a lot about the Suez Canal. So he was very knowledgeable on the topic. But he was so great. He just talked like such a normal person. I forget the first thing he said where I was like – I kind of like piqued my interest because I was like, This guy is an expert, but he just said something really cash that I love. But it was at the end when they were talking about the insurance. And he said, well, you know, this company has insurance up the wazoo. Literally on ATC, their expert on shipping said, the company has insurance up the wazoo. And I was just like – and again, it was like the guy knew it. It was so fun because he knew what he was talking about. But he was throughout the interview just being like very conversational. And I was like, oh, this is – I was enjoying the conversation more than I would have normally because of this guy's kind of relatability. I mean, he got the whole relatability.

He wasn't doing the NPR thing. Like, I remember so many times, I'm sure you saw this a lot too, you would do a pre-interview with somebody on the phone and they would just be casual, they would, you know, throw around wazoo's, whatever. And then they get on the show with the host and they're like, it's NPR voice, well, thank you for having me on. That kind of, like, very serious kind of like, okay, well, now I can't be the person who says wazoo.

Yeah, this guy did not get that memo, and I was digging it. Hello, and welcome to Top Story. I win, Andrew. My long-running battle with the previously known as Volkswagen Company, which I was calling Volkswagen my whole life. I mean, past the point where I knew it was Volkswagen. Like, I understand, you know, Volks is like the people, right, in German? So, like, the Volkswagen would be the car for the people. People's car. I knew that at some point. And still, I mean, on this show, not trying to do it would just say Volkswagen.

It's a weird thing because you're not the only one. And I don't know. Don't I have to share the glory with somebody else now that I beat this company? What's that? Yeah, I guess so. But, I mean, I know that that is a thing. In the same way, certain people can't say women. Have you noticed that? I worked with an announcer, professional radio guy for years and years and years, could only say woman. So if he was talking about multiple women, he would say the women are all suing the company or what have you. I don't know why I made that. Why did I make the women so litigious?

I don't know. It's because the word is spelled the same whether you're saying woman or women. And his brain, right? Is that wrong?

Women is with an E.

No.

Woman is with an A.

Okay.

Yeah. Am I misinterpreted?

So wait, so if he saw women plural, he just couldn't say women?

Yeah, and I've heard other people say that too, just casually in conversation. I'm pretty sure, I could be wrong about this, but I'm pretty sure Stu Gott struggles with that on the Levitard show. What doesn't he struggle with on that show? But he can't say women for some reason. And I've heard other people call Volkswagens Volkswagens. And I'm not trying to throw stones here because there are so many things I can't say. what is the word i was trying to say i don't even know if this came up on tbtl or just with genevieve recently but um prosthetic i cannot say that word pros what comes first you said it perfectly okay prosthetic anyway like there are a lot of words that i cannot say my brain just breaks around them but it's interesting i wonder what it is like why certain people can't say like prosthetic that has to do i think with my lisp and just it's a complicated word i'm not a very smart person but there's something why can a lot of people not say volkswagen like what is it i don't think it's a cultural thing i think it's a brain grapes thing maybe so uh but i had just

resigned myself that uh to the fact that the company was going to always be called volkswagen and i was going to be on the wrong side of history imagine my excitement when people started tweeting this at me yesterday and also emailing it in um i believe it was um i forget uh which listener oh david uh our friend david uh the listener out there and um somewhere out there in snomish county uh was one of the people who emailed this that volkswagen is rebranding itself as a volkswagen in the u.s this is because they want to really drive home this idea that they're all about electric cars they're going to try to become the world's largest electric car maker and to drive that home they are now in america they are going to be called volkswagen as in volts as in the uh you know amount of electricity so i win i guess like now i can just say volkswagen and i'm not

miss i'm not mangling the name of the company i didn't know this story i didn't know about this story until you sent it to me today and it just seems like such a fake story it seems like such a fake story and so i think you sent it what was the publication the uh verge verge um the very first line or one of the first lines was like yes we know this sounds like a joke like but we

it's like proximity to april fool's day they were saying gave them suspicion right exactly by the way sean o'cane was writing in the verge this article that we're kind of referencing but it

seems it seems legit um and you're right i guess it's because they're leaning into the they're leaning into the electric vehicle situation. But did this article, which I did not read the whole thing of – there's only so much room up there, Luke. Did they get into the fact that some people have been calling it Volkswagen anyway? No. That's not part of this at all?

There's zero mention of me in the piece. You're not mentioned at all? Not even once. Oh, well, that seems – that's an oversight, I think. I've written a strongly worded email. How this information came out is kind of interesting. So apparently this is, again, reading directly from Sean's piece. The company was planning to make the announcement at the end of April, but accidentally published a press release about the name change early Monday afternoon, which was first spotted by CNBC before it was taken down. Then he says the proximity to April Fool's Day initially raised suspicion, but V-Dub insists it's a real thing. The company confirmed the change to The Verge, and the announcement was later published on Tuesday morning. The larger Volkswagen group will keep the Volkswagen name, but the American division will be now known as Volkswagen. So, again, it being really close to April 1st. Now, I will tell you this. If I was going to pull an April Fool's joke for PR purposes, I would try to do it on March 30th. nobody or march 29th when people have their guard down right if you were to do this actually on april i mean it could be one of those things where like oopsie we leaked this we accidentally leaked this press release a few days before april 1st can this this raises a more important question even than electric cars or preserving the environment if you tell a lie the day before or two days before april 1st so as to set up an april fool's joke is it an april fool's joke or are you just lying it's all just lying i mean you know i i know i understand your point right we allow we have it's like a socially acceptable you can lie if you're a company you can lie on april 1st and we go haha that's fine you get a pass it's april 1st but is it does that only apply to

that 24-hour period if you're playing by those rules at all then yes i think it should only apply to that 24-hour period i think mission creep in this situation is going to be more problematic and you are going to end up with i know we always use this example and it's your example but like it's like the difference between the onion which actually has you know 25 years of very clever uh commentary and um you know and that's sort of satire and then you have other websites that think they're funny like that and it's just like hey a bridge collapsed and everybody freaked out and they're like hey i was just joking we're a satirical newspaper like no that's that was dumb um i sort of feel like yeah if you start like telling lies on the days leading up to or the days after april fool's day because you think people will be more vulnerable there you're just

an asshole for some reason yeah so crazy right i mean even the days leading up to it i'm with you it's like i'm not big on april fool's stuff myself but what would be hilarious is if you were is if you were just lying actively lying like on april 7th right everyone was like what are you doing and you're like i'm just this is still part of the april fools i'm just buttressing it with some post-April Fools untruths. Why are you putting fake dog poop under the Christmas tree? Belated April Fools! Right. Anyway. I just saw a crow. I'm sorry if I'm a little distracted. Veeves and I, a little inside joke here, is Veeves and I used to talk about a co-worker of hers from years and years and years ago. I won't even tell you what city we were living in, but it was a really long time ago. And she had a a co-worker who basically seemed like he was just super checked out all the time and Genevieve started calling him bird out a window guy because he would just like kind of stare at a bird out I don't know if there's literally a bird out the window that he would stare at or if he just always looked like he was just staring at a bird out the window like when they're in meetings but I just literally became bird out a window guy because a giant crow just hopped up on the rooftop next to me and it had a living worm dangling out of its mouth it was quite the

yeah nature scene that i just saw when i was in that uh cerro gordo a mining town the dude that lives there brent he he said oh yeah i've got these two crows heckle and jekyll that are my pals and sure as shit when we're talking these two crows come over and start circling us really because i mean as as vives well knows and as our many of our listeners know i mean crows are pretty intelligent and they recognize faces and you know i think uh so yeah it's like i could see the crows being like yeah there's this human guy here he throws us some food now and then this is

our dude yeah i make a lot of uncomfortable eye contact with crows now because of that because i want crows to remember me always and then i was under the assumption that we had like a couple of crows that were visiting us regularly on our roof and genevieve had to point out to me that they're probably not the same crows all the time because genevieve is the one who got me believing that I was seeing a lot of the same birds over and over. Like, I grew up pretty disinterested in birds. I mean, most of my adult life, too. I'm pretty disinterested in birds. Like, whatever. They're out there. I don't know. They're flying. They're not afraid of heights. That's cool for them. But when I was... Look out, David Attenborough.

We just got the best description of birds ever. They're not afraid of heights.

It's cool for them. Well, as somebody who suffers from an intense fear of heights, I am somewhat envious. But, you know, that was our viral moment when we were on your Internet. And I was shirtless. Oh, by the way, quick thing. This is unrelated to my little story here. But today is our big fantasy baseball draft day. So I am wearing my Vogelbombs shirt. I don't know if you can see that. Respected Daniel Vogelbach, who I think I saw on the text chain. He did land a roster position in Milwaukee, maybe.

I think he has made an opening day Major League team. Yeah, somebody put that in the fun-loving criminals. I like that you're all gussied up. It's the second time I've said gussied up today. Is it? It's weird. I'm talking about getting gussied up for, like, if I'm going to do a Zoom thing for Livewire or something else, I then will try to make sure I look semi-presentable, like have less zit lotion actively on my face. But it's weird that I would use the term gussied up twice in the same episode.

Well, we're talking about our appearance a lot, so I think that makes sense. Also, I don't even know. I guess you said that was our viral moment. And my thought was to make the very tired joke. Oh, too bad. I took off my shirt for that part. And then I thought, oh, I actually did want to show you what I have on underneath my button down here. Anyway, all of that is to say, I think I enjoyed Genevieve's love of birds when we were living in Wallingford, where we had a backyard with a lot of trees and a lot of plants and various, you know, wildlife. And Genevieve would always kind of tell me about the drama that would be going on amongst a couple of flickers that were always coming back. And so I was like, oh, these aren't just all interchangeable birds. There are certain birds and animals that kind of have this territory, and we're seeing these dramas kind of play out when people threaten, when other animals threaten their territory and whatnot. And so it got me used to this idea of when I see a bird in our space, it's one of our birds. It's one of our community, right? But apparently I have been probably extending that a little bit too far that we probably have more than two crows who are visiting us here in the Roosevelt neighborhood.

But I understand that wanting to think it's the same two crows just because that's, you know, that's how you develop your bond with them.

Yeah, right. And so, but, and also when I'm like walking down the street, like I park, you know, the car about a block away and I'm walking home. If I see a crow on the sidewalk, I try to like make eye contact with it. Like I do that thing where I point two fingers at my eyes and then two fingers at its eyes. See a crow, pick it up and all the day you'll have good luck, I think. Yes. What's the real expression that you're spoofing on there, by the way? Is it penny? See a penny, pick it up, and all the day you'll have good luck. I think I've heard of that before. But anyway, yeah.

Share a toy, share a ride, share the crow deep inside. Never. Is the crow... deep inside a show title the crow inside me anyway sorry we have more top stories i'll stop rambling i just want to quickly tell you uh andrew that if you ever i feel like the chances of this happening

well at the before today's show i would have said the chances were almost nil but now that i know your love of videotaping us and trying to go viral the chances have gone up ever so slightly if you ever become a mafioso in italy and then you go on the lamb because they want you on some cocaine charges and you end up in a place called boca chica dominican republic okay and you wanted to start doing cooking videos make sure that your very distinct tattoos are not in the video okay so get a distinct tattoo and then make sure they're not in the video i mean there are definitely a lot of things that would have changed about your life a couple for this to be useful information to you But, again, I didn't know that you were into videotaping us until today. So this now seems like it's more of a possibility. It's all about discovery. It's all about discovery. This guy is named Marc Faron Claude Bjarke, and he was wanted in Italy since 2014 for trafficking cocaine in the Netherlands. Oh, by the way, this is not relevant to this story. and also why do i need to andrew why do i need to do this i put up a dumb spoof joke yesterday this is on the subject of cocaine uh there was this thing going around you know there's this whole conversation around unionizing amazon warehouse locations there's one i believe in alabama that's that's the where they're going to have a vote and there have been there was this thing that was going around the internet yesterday that were these like supposed twitter feeds that were they looked very suspicious like they had been created by an amazon bot so as to try to kind of like astroturf or convince people that not everybody uh supports the idea of unionizing these amazon facilities and one of them from what was very clearly either a bot or just like a shit poster trying to be funny was this clearly fake looking account where the the allegedly real person is saying i am worried that people have urinary tract infections with how often they need to go to the bathroom da da da da am like basically pointing out because one of the things that's commonly brought up around amazon's practices is that they literally don't give people bathroom breaks so this entity was saying very un you know very unselfawarely like i'm what do people have urinary tract infection with all the times they have to go to the bathroom every day i wrote i I don't know why. I just thought this would be funny. No, we're doing blow, you idiot. Just a silly little joke. Well, most of the comments. You like retweeted that with that comment?

I retweeted that with the comment, no, we're doing blow, you idiot. You know what my brain went? I get the joke. I want to make that clear. But just to underscore again what a foolio I am. For a second, when you first said that, I thought, cocaine makes you pee?

I just was like trying to be, I don't know. you know what i was probably trying to be edgy because i'm on i'm coming up on 45 and i'm even less real i was never very relevant but i'm even less relevant maybe i thought i was being funny and youthful and the kids would be like yeah that is what we're doing so anyway all of my comments are people explaining to me that it's this is a bot or this is fake it's not a real person it's i can't believe how much it how how much it's bothering people that i was making a joke on this thing that we all know is not real. I knew it wasn't real when I did the dumb joke. The joke was not even good enough to justify this amount of conversation around it, but people are so... I'm surprised people haven't been DMing me being like, I don't know if you know this. That was just a bot account, or that's a shit post. That's someone doing a meta joke about Amazon trying to AstroTurf. I understand all of that. It was a silly joke.

Well, if there's one thing... I'll be hiding in the Dominican Republic if you need it. There's one thing that we've learned in the past. I don't know, four or five months. It's that middle-aged white guys trying to be edgelords on Twitter always works out for everybody involved. That's never a bad idea. Well, I don't think I'm being an edgelord there. No, I'm just kidding. Didn't you say you thought you were being edgy and you were trying to be? Right, right, right. But that kind of reminds me, while we're just talking about Twitter and staring at our Twitter navels here, I had not been tweeting much lately at all. I remember kind of just having a feeling a while back, and I think I talked about this on the show. I was just like, I just don't, what am I doing? Like, I get these stupid, like, kind of bizarre, not even bizarre, but just, like, jokes that kind of make half sense, and I think they're funny in the moment, and then I would tweet them out. And anyway, I was just like, I just don't need to do that anymore. And, like, you know, I post a little bit more on Instagram, and I was like, I think I'm just done posting on Twitter. Maybe use Twitter to, I still read it, and to maybe interact with somebody. You know, I still will give somebody the old heart if I like.

something but i don't know if i forgot about my rule or whatever but on earlier this week or i guess late last week i should say i tweeted something i'm even trying to figure out what it is now it was like a really dumb billy joel joke oh right and it was you were saying it was it was comforting to you and to know that it's all still rock and roll to billy joel right exactly which and it was one of those jokes that i mean i'll tell you right now that i i think that that came out of me because that tweet came out of me because the song was i think going through my head and i was just like that's stupid like that's just such a stupid song like i've talked on tbtl i got into a debate with jen on stage uh several years ago now about how generally speaking i don't like any song that is about rock and roll or has rock and roll that was at the end of the

anniversary it was yeah it's like my one conscious memory from that from sitting in the rebar i mean

yeah yeah oh rip the old rebar by the way um but uh anyway um i tweeted that out there and then like i immediately i kind of tweeted it and then forgot about it because i was like rushing to the grocery store or something i remember i stand that's that's always where my bad tweets come out i'm like standing somewhere and i'm just like oh i gotta get this thought out really quickly and then i put my phone in my pocket it's like that's never what i don't even know what i'm doing and i don't even totally get that joke myself i just think it's a stupid song and so i tweeted it out But then I think our buddy Bean Baxter, like, responded to it. And he said, like, you may be right, which is like another Billy Joel joke. And because of that, a whole bunch of other people started engaging with it in this way where I know that I just kind of wrote that out of this moment of, I don't know, kind of just like itchy frustration with me not liking that song. And, you know, I know we got into a whole thing about Billy Joel on the show. I'm not trying to isolate anybody who likes Billy Joel, but it's not for me. and I think I regretted tweeting that out because I think most people interacting with this like Billy Joel nobody knows what the hell I'm talking about it's like me yelling polite car at a car that's not parked nicely nobody knows what this crazy guy is talking about I think other people just thought it was a tribute to Billy Joel and it was one of those things where it just got frustrating I really wished I hadn't posted it but you didn't delete it no I didn't delete it it didn't cause me any trouble or anything but it just was another reminder of just like why did i need in that moment to do it i'm not being very articulate right here i just don't i don't know i just don't know why and i also thought it was weird that i had forgotten that i hadn't tweeted in a long time and that i broke my twitter silence with that there's like a weird

decision there's only one billy joel song that i currently kind of am vibing with and it's because of tiktok the song is called zanzibar and it's because somebody made this really funny dance to a cup and again the to me the joke seems like it's a bit on billy joel but there's some line from the song zanzibar that's like i think it's like i've got the old man's car i've got a jazz guitar and then i forget the next couple lines but this um this person on tiktok uh made this like great like i got the old man's car and she's doing like a driving i got a jazz guitar and she's like pretending to play jazz guitar uh-huh and then like whatever the other thing is and there's something about that dance to that little line from the song it kind of became a whole thing on tiktok that that that line from billy joel from zanzibar which is something i didn't know existed until these things now runs through my head all the time in fact i was trying to make win i was singing that for win right because he came on our show to defend billy joel the last time this came up right yeah we ended up when we hung out this weekend in la we ended up just singing counting crows at the top of our lungs and me trying to get me trying to do those lines from billy joel to get him to remember what billy joel song it is so that we could like

play that so anyway it was did he do any of his tiktok dances for you like he's way into doing

tiktok he's good at him too yeah he's really good at did you guys have a little dance off or anything no because i'm not good at tiktok dances i don't know i mean i just showed you oh here's what i got i got the old man's car okay steering wheel dance i got a jazz guitar guitar dance yeah good and then i literally forget the next line it's like three lines and i forgot a third of the entire bit right um but uh it was uh it was a fun it was a fun weekend um but one that if anyone other than me and win would have observed that moment i would be mortified although here i am telling

you all about it so who knows here i go once again with the email every week i hope that it's from a

female oh man it's not from a female all right uh got an email or a v-mail that you'd like to play for us before we get out of here yeah i see a lot of zanzibar by billy joel oh yeah should we

do that i had it dialed up here but i um then i stopped it it didn't it seemed like it was forcing it to play it in the moment so we'll go out with it yeah i don't know that song either um looks like we have a lot of emails that came in since yesterday's show which means i hope most people telling me that Amazon thing was a fake.

Yeah, hopefully. So I'll go through those after the show. However, I went through a lot of voicemails this weekend. So let's continue to play some of these. I like this. You were telling a story about monkeys picking coconuts, right? Does that ring a bell?

Yeah. Oh, well, I mean, I guess it was kind of a sad story, which was that I forget the country, But they had to – they were trying to crack down on coconut farmers or people harvesting coconuts using, like, illegal monkey labor. And I think it's because they were being mean to the monkeys, which makes me very sad. But I think I also probably said, like, if you weren't being abusive, that seems like a really fun job as a monkey. Like, climb up a coconut tree, grab a coconut, and bring it down. Like, that seems like a good job if you're a monkey that has to have a job. Right. that's the job to have and not trying to make a comment on what the treatment of these animals

was hannah has a somewhat dimmer view about what this could mean for society though hey this is

hannah in ohio i'm still time banditing but luke briefly talked about monkeys picking coconuts and uh the conditions and stuff were bad but i immediately thought of because he was saying it was a good solution to i guess the labor issues of picking coconuts and stuff but um I nearly thought of Planet of the Apes, man, because, like, the whole backstory of how, like, the apes took over is humanity kind of put them in servitude, and they were, like, you know, doing stuff around, basically slavery, and then they had a big uprising and the whole Caesar thing, and I was like, man, this is where it begins, man. it begins with picking coconuts the next thing you know the statue of liberty is under water pretty much in the beach charlton heston is in a whole situation and you know that's how it starts that's how planet of the apes started because humanity put apes into servitude and all apparently i'm seeing it begins with coconuts but yeah i just thought i'd share that with you guys You might find it interesting.

All right, so I'm just...

You made it up!

Just something to consider. Just something to consider.

You know, you'd think, as a person who really loves the original Planet of the Apes stuff, you know, the Charlton Heston stuff... You do? You'd think, oh, yeah, yeah, very much so. In fact, I don't really go in for a lot of, like, movie posters, but I actually have... Still up in Bellingham, but I guess it'll migrate down here at some point. I have a framed movie poster of Planet of the Apes. It's, like, Italian. I think I got it in Italy, but it's, you know, whatever the poster for Planet, the Charlton Heston version.

Is it in your rumpus room downstairs with the ping pong table? It's downstairs in the rumpus room.

That's where it belongs. That's nice. Yeah, it's a good – that's, you know, that's where that kind of stuff goes. But I love those movies in particular, like the first one. But I guess I never really sat down and thought – I thought that the monkey uprising happened when somehow a particular monkey, I don't know, just had like – Like there was a monkey that was born that was like a genius or something. And so suddenly, I don't know, like I guess I didn't know. I haven't really considered what the history of how they became in charge of the planet of the apes. Because you haven't seen the movie in that long, you mean? Well, just because I don't think it was the Charlton Heston version. I don't feel like it explains the origin of maybe it doesn't. I just blocked it out. Like Hannah's point is that she mentions Caesar, which makes me think she's referencing the Tim Burton version, which I don't think I've ever seen. But I know that the Tim – like the reboot of Planet of the Apes centers a lot around that monkey Caesar, right?

I thought – you know, I haven't seen either. I thought Caesar was in the original in the Charlton Heston one because Hannah refers to Charlton Heston. Maybe he was. Maybe I'm just totally fixating on Dr. Zaius.

But I haven't seen it. I don't want to sound like a know-it-all, but that name rings a bell to me. Listen, I'm going to defer to Hannah on this. I'm just saying, like, I just guess what you're hearing in my voice right now is the fact that I've never really considered. I just took it as, like, Charles Heston shows up on this planet. The monkeys are in charge. At the end, we find out it's Earth. I never realized that it all started with making them pick coconuts.

It all started with specifically coconuts. And so we're in a loop here.

Hannah, you've convinced me.

Hey, Luke, that reminds me. I was about – we talked about rumpus rooms. And then I wanted to ask you if you're a little, you know, in the apartment building you're in, if the little kind of rumpus room or I guess like what would you call it? They have a room with like air hockey and ping pong or something.

I think it has foosball and shuffleboard. That's still closed, though, I assume. No, you can apparently you can check it out. Like I don't think I don't I think it's only one, you know, group of people or people that are in the bubble together or what have you. Like, I don't think it's open to just walk in and play a little shuffleboard, but I think you can reserve it if you live in this building. Well, that reminded me of a conversation.

conversation i was having um with our friend i can't remember if we've used their name on the show before but a mutual friend of ours and friend of the show who used to live in the building that you oh have we identified that person by name i don't think i have okay yet on the air well i was texting with that person because they like hearing um conversations about your living experience in a place where they used to live it checks out with their experience exactly and they say there used to be okay so i had said why don't they have just free coffee in the lobby for people who live there and for people visiting it just seems like a courteous thing to do and it led to this whole conversation about how it seems like free coffee was around more in the 80s and 90s and then when coffee got fancy people stopped offering it for free i don't know if that holds up by the way but anyway our friend says there used to be a really good coffee machine in the lobby of luke's building and i feel like it still may be there he just doesn't know about it i said we need to investigate this was a keurig and our friend said in the lobby of the building there's a tenant lounge area oh you know that's got to be the same that's got to be where the shuffleboard is oh okay and in there there's a coffee machine i feel like it was a bit fancy like maybe a machine they would have at a fancy office or a movie theater it has a screen and you can pick if you want a coffee cappuccino hot chocolate and other things like that my only thought is they may have used covid as an excuse not to have it anymore question mark in which case like a lot of people did that any kind of self-serving of even like water in restaurants like you know like noodle places i go they all got rid of that so i wouldn't i wouldn't bash the company too much if they said hey listen having a a public beverage service is not what we're going to do during uh covid but

well i am going to go when i go downstairs today i am going to investigate and i'll give you a full report tomorrow because i assume that even if they're not offering it as a as an option right now the machine is probably still there yeah and that would be great i would be very into that you want to hear one more voicemail before we get out of here why don't we save it for tomorrow because um uh you know i got a couple of things to do and also you know let's not um unless you i mean do we

have like hundreds of good voicemails yeah we got like 10 like seven more all right one more quickly okay you want to do a quick one here this is one minute and six seconds long it's from somebody who did not leave their name.

Hey, guys. So I was having a pretty rough day today. I walked out, found out my car window got smashed and broken into. So I went and drove to get some food, called in the order from outside. And as I'm driving up to the parking spot, I see a guy who kind of parked a little too far in one lane, you know, like a real pig parker situation. So I jammed into the lane so as to obstruct his door. Petty, I will agree. And the window was pretty tinted, so I couldn't tell if there was a person in the car or not. And I'm just, you know, kind of waiting 15 minutes for my food to be ready. And out comes this person and kind of looks at the situation, doesn't even acknowledge me, and tries to shimmy into their car from between my door. Could I have moved? Of course. Was it petty? Of course. Did it totally redeem the evening And I'm buzzing off of it Of course Love the show guys Thank you so much Keep doing what you do

That little moment of pettiness Where you get to see that your pettiness Real polite car

Real polite car Tinted windows Wow So they insisted on opening their driver's side door But having to shimmy into it Because it sounds like they were parked in that kind of rude way where they're taking up more space than they should and so this listener parked in their spot but in such a way that it made it clear that that the

other people were kind of not parking in the way you should i have done similar things i'm not proud of this i hate this about myself it's really one of my worst qualities but i remember when i would go to um the gym the 24-hour fitness had a parking lot you know like a garage structure type of thing And they make those they make the slots way too small, even for the compact cars. And first of all, I hate seeing a non-compact car parked in a compact car slot pisses me off so much. But also some people, often people who are like probably like gym rat people who like have their like hot shot sports cars or whatever you call them, hot shot sports cars. And they will just like kind of park over the line a little bit and just be like, well, you know, there's not enough room. So I'm going to park over the line. And so I got a, you know, a Volkswagen and I would just like squeeze in and I'd be like, well, I don't see how this person will ever be able to get into their car, but also not my problem. I'm between the lines. They're not. That is their problem in the future. And then the only thing is when you're being really petty like that, it kind of lives in your head a little bit like you go.

to the gym you're just thinking like is there gonna be a note on my car is it gonna be scratched

or or what have you i've never right that's what i would be worried about would be somebody door jacking me not even maybe intentionally but just being like if they're thoughtless enough to park over the line they're thoughtless enough to just like open their door and hit your car without

even thinking about it right right and every time i came out in most cases i think the car was gone sometimes you're you're in and out before that person even gets to their car um but i've never received a note never received any damage to my car and then part of me um kind of thinks it would be kind of cool to see some security footage of that some cctv of how this person did get in the

car but anyway that would be really something if somebody was parked over the line and then was mad at the person who parked in the spot like saw that as being the issue i mean that would be that's rich yes although i think that and again this is the petty man's burden

Now we've got our show title Now we can wrap up the show We needed that last voicemail to get there The petty man's burden is that You're doing it because the person That you think is in the target of your ire Doesn't follow the rules of society And is flaunting them on purpose And really the people who are doing that Just aren't thinking about it that much The reason I'm petty is because I cling to these rules in this unflattering way i don't think the other person is like hey i got away with it i parked over the

line and then no they're just self-obsessed and thoughtless and they're just they just feel like the only thing that matters is their experience right and they want to go to the gym because it's never skip leg day and they're just going to park their car and they're just not being

thoughtful about others right and so if they see that they're probably like oh that person's a jerk they parked they blocked me in and they're not thinking like but i am the one who's over the line like they're not even drawing those conclusions you didn't teach anybody a lesson it's really it's ridiculous and that's why i gotta stop being that petty guy sometimes

some people do this is a move that i've seen a few times where somebody per like intentionally takes up two spots so that no one can park next to them so that their beautiful car will not be messed with yeah yeah that's where you that's where you'll hand that's where you just deep trunk them you just deep trunk them you know when you just like rear end a car like at about 50 demo that's a demo derby style that's a deep trunk that's like that's from camaro kev i want to say by way of newman rip like if you're like speeding down the road you're like oh i almost deep trunked them like if you just go that into their trunk there are instagram accounts that are

dedicated to um like kind of petty grievances with parking i think a listener sent me one and They don't update all that often, but, like, you'll see pictures of people who, like, chain a bunch of grocery carts together, like, around a car so they can't get out or, like, handcuff a grocery cart to a car somehow, which with a modern car, I don't know exactly how that would work. But that's sort of fun to think about.

I have to say, I know this sounds like I'm trying to sort of describe myself as being so easygoing, which I'm so obviously not. Listeners of this show will know that. i just spend about zero percent of my brain power thinking about how people are parking it just does and again i'm triggered by like everything but if you can't find the slot though like i think

like when i'm thinking about this particular parking lot in the 24 hour fitness like there's so rarely an open spot and so you have to like i'm not like hey there's a big open parking lot and i'm going to choose to like make everybody's lives miserable by squeezing into this place i barely fit it's like there's nowhere to park and cars will just drive in circles and circles and

circles waiting for a space to open up i would definitely i can tell you that if i was if that was what was happening i'm sure that i would start to become much more critical of how everyone was parking that would totally make sense i just like you're talking about like i guess when you said the thing about the the the website of people you know kind of punishing people who are bad parkers i mean i it bothers me when i see somebody doing something that seems selfish with their parking but it's just i know that for certain people correcting people's parking or keeping track of who is and isn't parking right is like a big it's a big thing that's a big thing they think about and it's just interesting to me that as a person who is very triggered and gets really mad about things that don't matter like all the time that's just not one of the ones that's on my list but i think it's because i'm more likely to be the person who parked right right which is not good And I'm still mad at you about that one time that you completely locked me in at the 24-Hour Fitness. Yeah, was that you? Yeah, that was my Honda Del Sol.

My banana yellow Del Sol. Yeah, it is a pretty sweet ride, I will say. Thanks, man. That's a sweet whip. Sorry what I did to the door. Sorry I scraped TBTL into your door. But I guess, you know, also you're welcome. Yeah. All right.

Let's call her good for the day. I've got to go take a shower and try to look decent.

for Hanif. Yeah, get that shit off your lip. What is that? I know. It's been bugging me the whole time. Let me lean into the camera. What are we calling this again? It's the... We're calling it the Petty Man's Burden. The Petty Man's Burden. Okay. And we're going to go out with old Zanzibar. Nice. And that's going to do it. So thanks for listening, everybody. We'll be back here tomorrow with more imaginary radio for you. Until then, have a great Tuesday. Stay safe. And please remember, no mountain too tall. And good luck to all.

We'll be right back. man's car. I got a jazz guitar. I got a tab at Sainz-Savar. Tonight is where I'll be. I'll be.

Power out.