Muse

Hey, Luke and Andrew, this is Chris from Portland. I had a dream I wanted to share with you. I was dreaming that I was in a college class and Luke was the teacher, but every time I looked at him, he seemed to get shorter until when he came out from behind the podium. He was only about three feet tall. I thought, oh, he seems a lot taller on the radio.

I dreamed that Janine Garofalo, as her character from White Hot American Summer, was running like an Ice Age Apocalypse Survival Boot Camp in my backyard for children.

I recently had a dream where I was in the running for a job as All Things Considered host at a station. And instead of me, they hired Danny McBride. So keep it up, guys. And as I said, keep it. Gosh, dang it. As I said, keep working on the worst ending of a call ever. T-B-T-L

Please, why are you doing this to me? I haven't even done anything to you. Please stop.

The story of this situation is, it's extremely personal.

All right, hello, good morning, and welcome everyone to a Tuesday edition of TBTL, the show that just might be too beautiful to live.

Wipe to the potty, wipe your body.

My name is Luke Burbank. I am your host.

I'm trying to connect with people, and I really put myself out there on the airwaves.

Coming to you from the Nest Broadcast Center, high in the sky above Portland, Oregon, where it is going to be another hot, spicy day.

Jalapeno!

I know, intellectually, I understand that we are going to, here in the Northwest, return to typical spring weather, which means there are going to be days where it's like 47 degrees and rain before this just becomes the default weather setting. I understand that intellectually, but emotionally, emotionally, I'm very, very connected and committed to this weather pattern we're in right now, which has been like eight solid days of beautiful, wonderful weather. We got a beautiful, wonderful episode of TBTL for you. It is episode 3405 in a collector's series, and we have a lot to talk about, including the early list of possible new names for the Washington football team, formerly known as, as we say on this show and some other places, they say this as well, the R-Words. They have been sort of doing a survey of their season ticket holders And there are 30 possible names they've been floating with the season ticket holders And we will go through some of those names And we will decide once and for all what the best name for the Washington football team is We will also move one step closer in deciding what the most memorable moment in TBTL history is We will all remember this moment for the rest of our lives The TBTL drops of stupider The Deuce rolls on day 10 of our March Madness style competition, figuring out the best moment in TBTL history. And also, I am genuinely not sure if I was being rude or if the person cutting my hair was being slightly rude. I mean, it's so rude. I can't believe it. It's so f***ing rude. Yesterday, but I will run it by my good friend Andrew and get his opinion on the matter. And then I'm sure I'll hear from all of you by way of email soon. Speaking of emails, we have emails and emails as well. And speaking of hair, this guy's got hair, chutzpah, and broad-based appeal. He's also got a broken finger.

finger he is the longest running cobro of the show he is andrew waltz and he's joining us right

now from the roosevelt neighborhood of seattle washington good morning my friend and how are you doing you've caught me between vicodins luke oh no this is how it starts did you learn nothing from the Drew McFrizz special. Actually, truth be told, I did.

And I have been going very, very easy on the Vicodin In fact, I tried to not even take any last night They actually gave you Vicodin, though

Yeah, yeah I almost assume that they don't even, like, do that anymore I know Because of all of the implications

Yeah, no, me too I was kind of surprised But I was kind of in a lot of pain yesterday The truth is I was actually very much in my head about What was going to happen to me after I realized I had hurt my finger badly What happened I've never broken a bone before That is now no longer true I have broken a bone Welcome to the club Thank you What do you call the middle section of your finger Between the two joints

Maybe a metatarsal

Sure I'll go with that

One of them is metacarpal and metatarsal One of them is foot and one of them is hand But actually you know what It's a phalange probably because the metatarsals and metacarpals, whatever that is on the hand is in the kind of lower part like basically between your wrist and your knuckle so I bet it was a phalange. Anyway, what the heck happened, man?

I should have brought all my paperwork in here. I gotta say, I am out of my mind today. I'm honestly not. I didn't take any this morning. I'm kind of holding off on that to see how I feel but I'll start

Waiting to see how the Mariner game goes, just to catch a sweet buzz during the game.

But I'll tell you how it happened in a second, but it is interesting. I was texting with you and also our boys on the text chain, our sports-loving, fun-loving criminals on the text chain last night. And my spirits were pretty good. I was texting you even when I was in the emergency, you know, what do you call the, it wasn't the emergency room, but I went to one of those critical care facilities or what have you. There weren't very many open by the time I needed one, and I was in pretty good spirits, and the pain was there, but I was trying to use you guys to distract me a little bit while I was waiting and waiting and waiting for x-rays and what have you. And I just was like, boy, I'm handling this well. I'm really – I'm the opposite of John Tesh who famously says, I'm not handling this well. I'm slouching. Yeah, no, I was like –

You're not slouching. You're handling this well.

But what I realized was I think I just had a lot of adrenaline going on yesterday and a lot of various things pumping through my blood, all of it naturally generated, by the way. I wasn't tripping balls when I actually tripped balls. What happened was I was – I had – Luke, you talked about the weather and how beautiful it has been outside. I mean, it is like the middle of summer here in April, which probably speaks well to the future of our planet. But it has been so nice.

We're going to need to paint at least 2% of the Earth's surface with the whitest white paint.

I know, right?

I mean, that's our only hope at this point.

So I got done with the show yesterday, got done with some work, and then I really needed a haircut badly. I'm trying to book it the day of. So the two places closest.

Our cycles are totally.

Oh, yeah. Are we lined up? Oh, yeah, that's right. You're going to talk about that later.

Yeah, I got a haircut yesterday, too. I mean, we are in sync, bro.

But I wonder if it's like you ever sit at a traffic light or something and your brain tries to match up the flashing blinker of the two cars in front of you. And there's a moment where they hit at the exact same time, but then they get further and further apart again until they get closer and closer again.

Yeah, sometimes my blinker will sync up with the blinker in front of me. And I think I wrote on Twitter, that's like everything feels okay in the world for that three seconds until they, like you said, cycle out. By the way, the picture you sent from the emergency room bed, I thought your hair looked good. So you must have gotten the haircut before the injury.

I did. So I got the haircut.

I actually noted, I was like, Andrew's hair looks pretty good in this for having sustained an injury.

That's good. We can use that as the show picture today. I have a feeling that all today I don't know I was really planning on not milking this I was like I'm fine I can do everything I can do everything even better that's where I was yesterday and now I'm kind of like okay no newsletter this week sorry to everybody I'm not responding to your emails like anyway I was having a wonderful afternoon So I booked an appointment at the Capitol Hill Rudy's, which was the OG Rudy's that I used to go to when I lived in Capitol Hill.

It was the one where I, excuse me, I thought that they had just absolutely butchered my hair before I learned later that it was like temporary alopecia.

Right. And so I, and I decide I'm not going to drive there. What I'll do is I'll maybe make an afternoon of it because I don't make it to Capitol Hill very often. It's my old stomping grounds. It's still a very vibrant part of Seattle, and so I kind of miss it. So I'm like, you know what I'm going to do? driving there I will take the bus to the train I'll take the train to Rudy's I'll get there super early I'll wander around a little bit um and then I'll get my haircut and then maybe I'll get like a very late lunch somewhere on the hill maybe have a rainier and uh maybe even stick around the hill to watch the baseball game which I realized that was probably not going to happen because that was going to be like a four-hour stretch anyway so I have all of this planned I have a great train ride in I get off the train I feel like a good city boy I walk to the Rudy's and they say, um, what time is your appointment? I said, ah, I'm super early. It's at three 30. Like, we don't see you. You know, he pulls out his phone that has all the appointments on. He's like, I don't, I don't see you on here. Um, and I'm like, yeah, I just made it. And by the way, quick aside, you book your appointments at Rudy's, uh, via their website and they just did an overhaul on it. And it is so bad. They changed, they took something that was so simple to do. And they added some sort of a shopping cart thing, and then you go to book your appointment at one place, but if there's nothing available, it's really hard to back out of it and start looking at another salon or barbershop. It is nuts.

This is exactly the problem with bishops in Portland, which leads – I'm not going to bore everybody right now with that story, but leads to my whole question as to who was being rude in the situation with me and my haircut yesterday.

but anyway please continue so anyway so i was already kind of i was a little bit i wasn't i was in a great mood but when he's like when the guy meets me outside for social distancing purposes to check me in and he's like and he's super friendly you know they're all pretty young there and he's like checking he's like i'm sorry sir we don't we just don't see you on here and i'm like he's like are you sure it was this location you sure it was this day i'm like yeah and i'm kind of getting incredulous not rude to him but a little incredulous i'm like yes like here like I know it's at Capitol Hill and I'm already thinking, oh, this is because I tried to book at Finney Ridge, but I backed out. I thought it was already blaming their system until I pull out my phone and I show them the the confirmation. And, yes, it is a Capitol Hill Rudy's. It's the other Capitol Hill Rudy's. I forgot that there are two on. And so I went from being Luke, I was walking off the train and thinking about how you and I are so opposite because I was thinking I actually have to walk slower. than I usually would here and I love it because like I got there so early and I was like there's nothing I like more in the world than not being in a hurry like I think that is my fate that is heaven to me like knowing that I've got a 20 minute buffer and I and I'm in an interesting place and I can just walk very slowly and take in the world around me and also I always get in my head about going to the barber shop um if I'm on foot because I don't want to be sweaty when I get there and I sweat kind of easily Luke I am not getting to the good part of the story have you

considered coating your body in certain dry um i'm talking just head to toe i painted my body in the whitest paint ever and nobody okay well thank you for doing your part yeah to combat climate

change it's about how white you were originally walsh anyway um none of this has to do with anything but i was having a great day i get there and then suddenly i go from being super early to oh shit i'm gonna be late for my appointment which is like kind of across the neighborhood

anyway by the way they need to if they have two locations on capitol hill they need to call one of them something else like because it's too confusing like like you said the original flagship was on Capitol Hill I know the exact one you're talking about it's on either Pike or Pine I've never been clear on what the difference between Pike and Pine is but if they have another location they need to call it Rudy's on Mars they need to call it something wildly different than Capitol

Hill so this this must happen like all the time yeah I mentioned it to once I finally got to my regular appointment which i made just on time um i i was talking to the barber um who i had met once before he had cut my hair before so we were kind of familiar with each other and we were chatting i'm like yeah i went to the wrong place and he's like yeah i had him changed like or finally they changed it it's called like 15th now and the other one is capital anyway i don't want to blame rudy's for this i also don't know why i'm even going into all this detail about this rudy shit point is i get my hair cut um and i'm still like in a really good mood so i make it there on time i get a haircut and then I'm still in Capitol Hill I'm gonna go to this place called Sam's and get like some sliders or a hot dog or something have a beer I did that I set up my little iPad I'm watching some baseball you know some like daytime baseball games it's just like really perfect damn day and then I'm like well I don't think it makes sense for me to try and stick around Capitol Hill and find some place to watch the game I'll head home now but I still have plenty of time before the game is on i take the train back home i'm still now just trying to figure out why i've told you all of this fucking detail of my day but blame it on the drugs i'm not on right now that's right um and blame it on the oxycontin i think what i'm trying to what i'm trying to maybe underscore here a little bit is

And...

There's nothing hurried about my day. I'm having a wonderfully pleasant summer feeling day where I don't have a lot of responsibilities. Like by design.

Yeah. By design. Like your whole day was about not finding yourself in a position where you were running for anything.

Right. And so I make it – I'm now making it back to my neighborhood. And so I take the train. Now, the one thing is where I have to catch a bus after getting off the train is one of my least favorite places to catch a bus because it's complicated, but it's right outside of Husky Stadium. Luke, you can kind of picture it. You get off the train. It's a very complicated intersection that has literally six lanes of stopped traffic and bus lanes and whatnot. There's only one bus I can take from that location to get home, and it seems to always roll up right as I'm about to try to cross the street, Frogger style, right? And so one thing I should – this is very key is since this is my wandering around day, of course, I got my camera strapped around my body, right, my new expensive camera that I always think. Like if anything were to happen, if I were to fall over forward, I got to protect this at all costs. It turns out all costs. I'm very conscientious of that. You bought from like Glenn or something? Yeah, Glenn. I bought a – Lake Forest Park? Right. And anyway, so I get off the train. I emerge. I see a bus is about to pull up. I'm like, oh, if that's my bus, that would really suck. I don't think I can make it from here. I'm pretty far away. And again, across six lanes of traffic. And then the bus turns the corner and there it is, the 45. And it glistens in the sun in this way that makes me think that it's all the treasure I want in the world. And I need to catch that bus. And so I start, you know, I don't commit right away. I start walking faster, maybe jog a little bit and then I'm like yeah I can do this I can do this it looks like the traffic has stopped on both sides I can like almost literally frogger my way through the traffic to get to the other side um because there's a lot of cars but they're all stopped so I start running and I'm running across the street everything's fine I run in front of the bus which is good because if you're in front of the bus they can't pull away they'd hit you yeah exactly so that's a good way to catch the bus and I'm like I can't believe I'm going to make it I'm wearing these newish Reeboks I have which are heavier tennis shoes than I've ever um that I've worn in a long time and I've noticed I've been thinking about this last night I am much clumsier in them it's harder to drive there's something about the shape and weight of these tennis shoes that has made me a little bit more clumsy I realize now I am right in front of the bus and I still don't know what exactly I hit I I think I just went to, like, jump up onto the curb, you know, like, literally, what, three, four inches. But I think I just missed it a tiny bit. I think my shoe just didn't come up, didn't clear it. And, Luke, I bit it so hard. I feel myself going down directly in front of the bus. Like, you know, the bus driver is, like, watching this as if he's watching it on a movie screen, right, because they have those big-ass windows. And I just crash, like, kind of in front of the bus and then up onto the curb. and I told you I'm I'm holding the camera and it's funny every time I strap on this camera

I think like protect this at all costs and all of a sudden like I remember in my head I'm thinking protect the camera and I kind of grab the camera and I honestly at this point I don't know what happened Luke all I know is I'm protecting the camera I'm on the ground and my hand is in a lot of pain and I look down and it's the moment that I've never had that I've never wanted to have i look down and it's clear that my finger at least it is to me in this moment that my finger my um ring finger on my left hand is broken it looks jacked it looks like it it's a shape that fingers aren't supposed to be you know um and also my pinky is also bleeding and nasty but it's the ring finger that i can tell is not doing one of these fingers is not like the other right and i'm vary in my head about anything like this like i i'm bad with needles i'm not great with blood but i'm really bad at like thinking about bones having to be set or reset or broken or and i'm looking at this thing now i want to talk about this bus driver for a second so all everything i just described not the haircut part but everything i just described um with the fall probably took one second but it sort of feels like a lifetime and i look up and i see some college student like wide-eyed wearing a mask like standing over me has no idea what to do um and he can sort of see that i'm okay i kind of wave him off and so he thinks you know he's he can see relief wash over his eyes as he's like okay this man's alive i'm leaving now um and i look up and the bus driver still has the door open i'm sitting on the sidewalk now um right outside the bus door and the driver I don't know. is just looking at me keep in mind it's covid time so the bus driver has a mask on and is behind a special plastic sheath right and if the bus driver is saying anything i certainly can't hear it all i hear is the blood rushing through my ears and the traffic and the bus driver is just looking at me it felt like a dream or describing it now it feels like a dream he's just silently looking at me and i look down at my fingers and they're just jacked and i don't know what i'm going to do but i know i can't get on the bus right i'm like if i stand up i'll probably pass out i don't know what i'm to do so I kind of wave him off I take my right hand I kind of wave him off and then I look down at my hands I hold some more but the bus doesn't leave and I look up again and the bus driver like will not move and again I don't know if he's trying to say anything to me but I feel like he was like being my guardian angel um and so he's not moving he's just staring at me through the door like waiting for me in my head I'm thinking I'm thinking at the time and I'm thinking now that he's like i'm not leaving this guy here um and so i get up and i start to get on the bus and i'm like i broke a finger but i'm not bleeding too bad like i felt like i need to explain to him like i'm not going to come on and bleed all over your bus but i'm already thinking

i'm probably by the way you're probably the third bloodiest person on the bus right i know like i

mean to be totally honest i know um so but i get out and i pay too that's the thing i had my orca card out it was already out i actually know it wasn't i think i took it out of my wallet i'm a rule follower luke um but i'm thinking i need to get to the seat and i'm just thinking i'm probably going to pass out in the seat try not to pass out that's your goal now is to not pass out um this is all like i don't have anything to compare this experience to at this point this is all new territory for me i'm in immense pain and i also know that i'm scared of situations like this and i'm probably you know i'm feeling lightheaded and i have a feeling it's going to get worse i'm already thinking like i this is probably the shock this doesn't feel great and this is probably the good part wait till the shock wears off i'm thinking well and if i can just say

like i don't we were texting yesterday and i you were being typically you know kind of hard on yourself about you know not being brave around this but it's like what you're describing is a really even as far as breaking your finger goes a really not ideal version of it because like if you were in the house and you slipped on the kitchen floor and hurt yourself genevieve might be there or you could go sit on the couch like hurting yourself really badly and then having to kind of get onto the bus and fish your orca card out like this is a really bad situation i don't think you're being extra that this you know you were having a lot of anxiety hurting yourself by yourself and then having to take public transit you know to whatever the next destination is is a

lot i get on the bus and i get a seat that's thankfully kind of like it's what i call the bulkhead of the bus luke it's like a seat that there's a door 7a yeah there's a door in front of it so there's not a seat in front of it i don't know why that well it sort of matters because it means there's some like kind of yellow metal poles it's a luckily pretty clean bus um that i can kind of rest my head on because i sit down in my seat and i still don't know if i've saved the camera or not at this point and i'm just thinking okay you just don't pass out don't pass out you have about a 10 minute bus ride and so and now i realize especially anybody who didn't see what happens because if you're just a passenger on the bus you don't see what just happened in front of the bus right and so i get on and i'm you know kind of gripping my hand or holding it out or something and i get down in the seat and now i always talk about people who look like they're they're not having their best day or struggling with something i can't remember the euphemism i always use when you see somebody uh that basically is nature's way of saying do not touch when you see them in public and i'm that like i am definitely the sketchy guy on the bus here who's going through something and i get in my seat and i put my head like kind of down in front of me and i'm kind of resting it on this cool metal pole that feels so unbelievably good the metal pole on my forehead feels like heaven i got my mask on still but i know i need oxygen and so like i'm trying to like hide my face from the rest of the passengers and being respectful But like then kind of like taking off my mask and sort of like taking really deep breaths. I tried box breathing for a little bit. I don't know if I really did that right.

I feel like box breathing is really having a moment.

Yeah, well, it's simple.

And the fact that you were doing it on this bus, I think, speaks to that.

And so anyway, I'm just really trying desperately not to pass out. I don't want to look at my hand too much, but I'm taking I did take a quick photo of my hand on the bus. I weird parts of me clicked in. And I was like, I just want to take a picture of what this looks like right now before the swelling starts. Anyway, so I am on the bus. I'm close to passing out. I don't pass out, but I am thinking, like, then I got to get off this bus. Oh, I called Genevieve. That's the part I'm forgetting. I called Genevieve on the bus because I know that she's taking a long walk around Green Lake. And I'm like, oh, goodness. You know, if she's on the opposite side of Green Lake, she might not be home for a half hour even if she started running. you know, but I call her and I, I don't even try to make it sound like everything's okay. I should, I should be like, okay, just want to let you know, everything's okay. But I think I need to go, who wants to go to the hospital as a, as a Tobias once said, but instead I call Genevieve and I just say, I Genevieve, I need your help. I'm in a lot of pain. I'm on the bus. I broke my finger, maybe two fingers. Like I, I, are you at Green Lake? She's like, yes, but I'm not that far. I will meet you at the little care facility by our house. And I'm like, OK, so I'll go right to the care facility. We both end up looking it up, me on the bus, her at Green Lake. And it turns out that place is closed. It's about 5 o'clock, 530 now. So a lot of these dock in a box places are starting to close down.

Sure, let's try to keep bankers hours. The place where people need to go when they're having a medical emergency, definitely don't push that past 5 p.m.

So at this point, I don't know where I need to go. But all I can think of, I have a cooler outside my house right now because it's been kind of like summer times. I've been keeping beer outside in this cooler. And I know that there's mostly like ice water in there right now. And all I can do on this bus is I just keep thinking, you just got to get home, get up those stairs and plunge your hand in that cooler that that's what was kept me going. I'm just like, just get there. And then everything else will figure out from there. And I'll see Genevieve and she'll drive me somewhere. I'm already thinking I'm probably going to be spending all night in some emergency room where I will not be very high priority. Right. And so I'm already thinking of this. I'm in this for the long haul. This is my night now. Go Mariners.

And so I do Google Street View all of the local emergency rooms. Just have a sense for what it was going to be like when you showed up.

That took me a second to get. No, I did not.

That was that was I'm not being a good friend and co-host with that joke.

Well, I'm dragging this out. But the point that I really want to get to is what I thought the bus was going to be the worst part of this whole trip. But it turns out it wasn't. It was getting off the bus. So we're getting closer and closer to the bus and or to my bus stop. And I'm like, OK, this is good. This is good. Now I'm going to have to walk about three blocks when I get off the bus. But I'll deal with that when I when I need to. So we get to my stop and, you know, I ring the bell and I get off the back door of the bus, which you have to do now. And I try to say, you know, I yell thank you to the bus driver. But all of a sudden I realize I'm kind of blind. Like I've never had this kind of thing before. It's like everything is just bright, white light with a little bit of texture. I can sort of see where the ground is. I can sort of see that there's a wall. But I think it was from me almost passing out on the bus, going from this really cool, dark kind of bus atmosphere to this bright, shining 70-degree sunshine. So I get off the bus and I kind of stumble to this wall that is, you know, basically bench high. It's somebody's yard. You know, it's like their containment wall. and i just sit down on the wall and i notice and again my brain is doing weird things but i swear the bus did not move for like a solid minute i swear to god that bus driver was keeping an eye on me because i got off the bus and i realized like i don't know what i look like right now but i'm giving off signals that this guy is looking out for me i'm sitting on the i sit down on the wall i sit there for a second and i'm like i get up to walk start walking to my house i cannot do it I'm swimming all I can't even see Luke I didn't expect that like I didn't ever fully pass out but I could not see anything it was all just blazing white light with a little bit of texture in there so now I'm sitting down on this wall thinking now I don't know what I'm gonna do I can't get to that cooler with the ice anymore like it just seems like it's a million miles away I can't even use my phone to call Genevieve to say I'm around the corner I don't even know where she is and I'm sitting on this wall and suddenly i'm just sweating because i'm just out in the sunshine and i don't know what to do and i'm kind of paralyzed and then luke i almost shit my pants and i don't know why or where it came from but you know we go through our day there are probably a million times during the day where we feel a little gurgle and we just have the ability to control it and say okay i'm gonna go to the bathroom later or now or whatever right but i think that my body just doesn't know what's going on and i have this gurgle in my stomach and all of a sudden i realize oh no i don't have any control of my body right now and there was this like probably two second moment where i was like all of this is happening and i'm gonna have to i'm gonna have to do this last three blocks with crap in my pants like i really thought that was gonna happen i can't explain the sensation you had to be concussed right i don't i didn't hit

my head i didn't hit i mean you know that for a fact because you yeah no i have my head is blur

yeah but my head is fine i got nothing my head is absolutely fine i think i'm just i can't explain it it's because i'm in my head it's anxiety it's it's all of the things it's from looking down at my fingers and seeing them bent in a way that they're not supposed to be bent you know what i mean like this could have happened to Like any NFL player And they would tape him up And he would be out there For the next play Like I realized that Like I know as far as Injuries are concerned This is not that big of a deal But I'm completely In my head about it And so I sit on this wall Luckily the bathroom thing Just passes But in a good way I mean it passes on But for a moment It was really scary I can't explain it to you That I was just like Oh my god I have no control Of my body right now I sat there for a couple of minutes The bus does eventually move on I'll always be thankful To that bus driver For waiting for me Because if I had just let that bus driver go, I'd still be sitting in the university district on the sidewalk wondering what to do, probably. I eventually sort of blindly stumble home. I'm regaining some of my senses better. I have to walk through this. There's this group of women outside of, like, a bar studio or a yoga studio. And they're all, like, 20 to 30-something, very fit women all with their rolled mats.

Your favorite kind of people.

Well, I mean, they're fine. They're just doing their thing. But, you know, like, I have to walk through them. they're all like congregating there's like eight of them out on the sidewalk right by my house and you know how like you're just like i just need to do a straight line i can't be polite here i can't go around anybody i just need to barrel through these people i'm just like kind of in panic mode and i'm holding my hand out and i can see there a bunch of them don't even see me because everybody's in their own world but then there's one woman who's sort of facing me and she sees me coming and again i must just look like a wreck i must look like a threat in a certain way too with it sudden yeah and then suddenly she gets out of the way you can I saw a reaction from her where she looks at me kind of just barreling through them and she just like kind of gives a very wide berth I'm also holding my hand up and it's bleeding pretty bad so I think that they just saw that I was injured and you know getting getting myself somewhere but that was really and now I'm just blabbing and blabbing and blabbing but that was the moment where I got off the bus where I was like I don't know how this ends how it ends is I eventually make it home Genevieve finds a place that's open she makes a bunch of phone calls uh turns out there's a care facility very near my house that Genevieve is already a patient at they were just open we beat them by like 45 minutes or something and then there was a lot of waiting once I was in there and a lot of me telling all of the the nurses and doctor like you you don't understand how fragile I am mentally when it comes to this stuff so like the whole time I just kept thinking at some point they're gonna have to pop my finger and the doctor came in and she's like it might just be like a it might just be dislocated and if that's the case we'll just pop it back and i'm like part of me is like i know this sounds crazy luke but like i'm like well then i hope it's not dislocated like part of me you said it

was broken i was relieved for you like yeah we're texting because i knew you did not want to be mel gibson in lethal weapon like resetting having a joint that needs to be reset like and that's what

the worst thing was like yes I was in a lot of pain I'm going through ice packs like crazy we brought our own too and it leaked all over me and so I show up at the doctor's office it looks like I pissed my pants and even though this would have been the day that I would have I promise you I didn't I was just I looking back at yesterday everything that happened from that moment it's a blur and I was acting so weird yesterday it turns out my finger I'm trying to sorry get this narrative back my finger is not dislocated it's actually broken which means i now have a whole bunch of stuff i have to deal with like i have to go back to doctors they're saying i might have to get surgery on it if it doesn't heal right like all of this though at the moment all i'm hearing is thank god they don't have to pop it back and once i hear that they don't have to pop it back i'm fine but i sat there for probably two hours getting woozy every time i would my brain would start thinking about what my finger looks like and what was going to have to happen to my finger Genevieve was with me the whole time So we were trying to like keep the conversation going And if I could get lost in conversation I was fine But the moment the conversation died Then I would start like I was 10 years old again in the doctor's office And just like whimpering thinking about them Popping my finger back

Oh Andrew I'm so sorry man That just sounds like such a Terrible day

It was rough I'm sorry you know this was a terrible day As it just took me like 35 minutes to tell a 10 minute story But anyway I'll cut out all the other stuff

so okay so the so it's broken and they are saying maybe surgery depending on how it heals

yeah so now i kind of at the time yesterday i was like okay i'll just deal with this it just felt it's in a splint right now and i was like okay now it's stabilized like everything's fine i was such a blabbermouth i'm being a blabbermouth now but i was such a blabbermouth last night and i realized what was happening once i was home was i think i was hit with like a sort of euphoria having been on the other side of it and just being like oh this isn't so bad and i i came back here i did watch the end of the mariners game i was texting with you guys i set up our fantasy team like i was i was just like business as usual only i'm down one finger and now we're on the mend i'm but now this morning i wake up and like everything just sort of hurts I don't know.

really bad. I also couldn't sleep last night. So I'm kind of operating on very little sleep. And I kind of just need to get through this day. And I realized that I think I'm going to need to take a day like the rest of today and probably just like lay down and chill out and actually maybe start thinking about this. And also now the reality of just what a pain in the ass this is going to be like now I've got to somehow combine my doctor's appointment yesterday with the system I'm actually in because I went to a different care facility and I got a loop in my doctor and there's all this paperwork and got to like actually figure that shit out now like none of that was hitting me yesterday i was just so happy to be back home right it was like you're blind you have

a broken finger you're possibly shitting your pants then you're home you're safe the fingers been tended to that's a huge kind of like endorphin release and then this morning is somewhere in the middle which is the reality of life with a broken finger yeah and i told you

before the show a weird thing that's finally starting to wear off now as i talk to you is you know when you wake up i remember this happening as a kid a lot i don't know if it happens as an adult but there's this like what i would call like morning fingers sort of like you wake up early and then you try to grip a pencil and you can't like your whole like your hands are really weak in the morning for some reason my right hand was like that up until about 10 minutes ago and so like I'm kind of like in a lot of pain on my left hand in my right hand I can't even pick up a pencil and I or like I'm trying to drink this coffee and I just felt so miserable this morning on such little sleep and that's what I told you I can't talk today during the show and

clearly I can't right oh Andrew man again I'm really sorry that that's and honestly like it feels to me like when you have something like this happen there is the actual event which sucks and would suck for anyone and then there's the way that you tell yourself you're doing it wrong which is an added layer of discomfort so you know as your friend i would just say give yourself a break man like i don't like like that sounds like a terribly terribly shitty situation that anybody would be overwhelmed by so you know to the degree that any part of your discomfort is thinking that you were being a baby or you weren't handling it right man

that sounds awful yeah it was a oh oh luke not a scratch on the camera oh thank god i wanted to

ask about that but i felt like i was focusing on the wrong thing you saved the camera i saved the

camera and of course genevieve and i went through all kinds of sliding doors scenarios yesterday and like as of yesterday even as i'm sitting in the doctor's office like whimpering hoping that she's not gonna have to set my finger I'm still thinking but this has got to be better than me having smashed my camera right like if I had not hurt myself this bad yesterday and let's just say I scraped I have some you know road rash here and there but like let's just say I kind of hurt myself yesterday but I also smashed my camera but I didn't break anything in my body I think I would have been I think yesterday would have been worse I think I would have been so mad at myself I would have blamed me because I've been clumsy lately I do think these shoes aren't helping maybe I should not wear these shoes anymore now that I think about it but I just bought this camera every time I strap it on I think don't break this thing and part of me thinks that if I had just fallen and broken my camera yesterday but otherwise bodily was fine I would have beat myself up so bad yesterday I my day would have been ruined in a way that it would have just been a very different kind of ruined day whereas yesterday feeling the way I felt and going through what I went through it just made me feel lucky about a bunch of things I was lucky that Genevieve was there to help me I was just like lucky to come home to my cat like when I came home I think I was really feeling the after effects of adrenaline because looking back I was so euphoric when I came home sat down Theo sat on my lap we watched the end of the Mariners game as they beat the Dodgers and I'm joking around with you guys and i'm just thinking of all the things i'm thankful for that's very different than if i had come home at five o'clock with a smashed camera and just thinking about what

a loser i am yeah that would i just knowing you that would have been a worse outcome because you would have never forgiven yourself for that and you would just be i mean as it is you're the hero in this story yeah right the camera no i mean honestly like i don't mean that you're trying to like you know puff yourself up but i mean you heroically saved this camera and honestly that's so much better than than you're fine but the camera's destroyed and the thing is though like

who knows how much i end up having to pay for this out of pocket i don't think well let's not go

there yeah but that'll really really take the air out of the balloon of victory well but i mean just

thinking about the camera from that perspective because like what is it like it's not just the money right like let's just say and i don't think this will happen but when all is said and done actually maybe it will happen when all is said and done I'm

might end up paying more money out of pocket for this and i broke a finger like it's my body i should care about that more than an object yet somehow if i had smashed the camera and had to spend that same money to replace the camera which i wouldn't have done i probably would have just been like well you don't have a camera anymore walsh this is your punishment i'm not i'm not a very healthy person i think but um be nice to yourself yeah it's kind of a it's a weird dynamic there it's something i'm kind of embarrassed about but i'm still very glad i saved the camera

I am really – I mean, it would have been a double whammy, too. Had you hurt – what about – did you think about the sliding door of you have a broken finger and a broken camera? That's what Genevieve kept saying. She's like, yeah, yeah, imagine how you'd feel then. That'd be – yeah, that'd be the worst. Well, I'm really sorry, man. That sucks. And I'm glad you're okay, and I'm glad the camera's okay. But just like I said, try to extend a little kindness to yourself. Think about if I was telling you this story, you know, if it was my experience, you wouldn't be thinking like, oh, man, Luke was being really extra. You'd be like, oh, man, that sounds like that was really hard for Luke. So try to give yourself that same kind of break. Speaking of, we should probably take a break. When we come back, I'd like to tell a much less gripping story, a story where the stakes are incredibly low and which yesterday before you sent a pic from the ER, I thought was going to be really good today. I was like, okay, this is great TBTL content. And then you had to go and upstage me by breaking your finger and almost shitting your pants.

It's called Cloud.

But I'm still going to push through, and I'm still going to tell my boring haircut story after this break on TBTL.

On your mark. On your mark. Get set. Get set. Now ready. Ready. Go. Everybody rattle, dattle.

Everybody rattle, dattle.

That music can only mean one thing, And that is that it is time for us to thank and honor some dazzling donors. These are the fine, wonderful, generous folks who are dazzling us with their dough donation. And it's how we're able to do the show. It's how we're able to continue working at APM with what can only be described as an incredibly bad health care plan where the copays often exceed the cost of a Canon camera. But we're grateful for it. We're grateful for Lorraine Hirakawa, who's in Kuwait. What? The? Huh? Lorraine says moving to Kuwait in the middle of a pandemic to be a principal has been challenging. Yeah, that sounds challenging. Thanks for always keeping me in touch with the PNW. Your chatter keeps me connected to home. Thanks. Power out. did we talk to did we get an email from lorraine the story of moving to kuwait to be a principal unless we have multiple listeners who've done that recently which you know you can't rule it out

this sounds familiar to me i don't remember specifically an email but i will tell you this lorraine and i somehow connected on instagram and so and i don't i think that lorraine's got her thing set to private so don't everybody harass Lorraine on Instagram but she did accept my friend request because you know kind of a special person and I've been really enjoying seeing her adventures in Kuwait I mean it's you know I've never been to a country like that you've never been to the Middle East at all right

no the closest I came and I want to apologize for the siren in the background but I was able to find the one apartment perfectly suited for podcasting at the nexus point of every emergency vehicle in Portland. I have never been to the closest I got was I went to Tulum pre-pandemic.

I thought you were going to say Toledo. I'm like, Luke, that's really stretching.

The closest I've ever been is Akron. No, but I Googled. This was a couple of Christmases ago, and I just Googled where is it warm right now, and the Internet told me Tulum and Bahrain. and uh and because of alaska airlines's relationship with um emirates i could have used like all the miles i have to fly to bahrain one way and be in one of their like legendary like entire private rooms oh my gosh yes you're gonna get jennifer aniston it yes i considered doing it just i know that bahrain and kuwait are not the same place but i'm just saying that the close i even got to that part of the world was considering taking this flight purely for the emirates first class thing but the problem was there were no like because i was using miles there were no return flights for like a month so i was gonna have to live in bahrain for a month which just seemed like not probably the best plan i mean it could have been good for the show

could have been bad for the show but could have been good for the show Thank you.

I wasn't going to tell you that I was there. I was going to figure that's a future problem.

You were going to fake ambulance noises? Nope, still here in Portland. That's right.

Lorraine, thank you so much for supporting the show, and hope you're doing well out there in Kuwait. We really appreciate you. Maestro?

On your mark. On your mark. Get set. Get set. Now ready. Ready. Go. Everybody ready.

We've also got to thank Amy Lidke in Minneapolis, Minnesota. God, I love these pronouncers, Andrew. Yeah. I don't think I would have nailed Amy's last name pronunciation if not for this pronouncer.

In fact, I'm pretty sure that, well, I won't speak for you, but I know for a fact that I've said it wrong on the show many times, but now we see the pronouncer, and I'm like, oh, can we go back and edit all the other instances? Probably not.

Somehow, Amy continued donating, even through us mangling her last name. Amy says, My husband Chad and I have been struggling to compose a dazzling donor message that is appropriately dazzling. We can't agree on what to say. I want to center myself in our message and make sure everyone knows I was the pandrumic drummer of the TBTL talent show. Yeah. That was badass, Amy. Listen, that's worthy of centering yourself in this dazzling donor message because that was very, very cool. But my husband thinks our message should be more inspiring Or at least amusing The TVTL Dazzling Donor Message Tearing relationships apart Since 2016, Andrew When did we start doing this?

Well, it's funny because the Blurs days You bring people together in intimate ways they don't ask for And then the Dazzling Donor Message Tears people apart

It's a weird service we provide I'm like Thanos I create a universe I haven't seen that movie I just know he does a bad thing at the end That gets rid of the universe I think he throws a ring into a volcano Oh yes Exactly I create Life and love in the blurs days And then you know these messages They can be a real sticking point For folks like Amy and Chad Sure is that a thing that Thanos does Yeah he says that So Thanos has a voice Somehow I thought he was like mute

No No, no, he's played by, I'm going to have to look this up. Please let it be Tom Arnold. He's a very famous person, Josh Brolin.

Oh, Josh Brolin. Interesting. Yeah. Anyway, back to Amy and Chad's drama. My husband thinks our message should be more inspiring or at least amusing. Luckily, we can agree on how much we love TBTL and listening to it together. We hope to meet Andrew and Luke again someday in real life at a live event. We met at the last Minnesota State Fair. I remember meeting Amy and Chad. It was quite fun. We'll be in Seattle in September and plan a pilgrimage to Teddy's. Andrew is welcome to join us, of course. I'd say 50-50, you're there.

Yeah, exactly. I mean, if you're there in the morning, I'll be there. No, I don't think they're open in the morning. No, but I would meet up, potentially, if the timing worked out. Sure, it's right around the corner.

Andrew will be the guy with a grizzled hand.

Yeah, exactly. And I will be carrying a camera wrapped in bubble tape.

Would you consider, Andrew, I know we're not done with Amy's message yet, but would you consider just letting it heal funky? Like, as opposed to getting a surgery? Because, like, that's kind of a pretty boss move. If you just have one finger that's all kind of, like, you know, crooked and jacked up.

Right. Right. Well, even like my – I was wearing short sleeves, so like this is another – not to belabor this, but like obviously I have one finger that's in a lot of pain. But I also have a bunch of injuries right now that seem so small by comparison but would be the main thing I was thinking about today if I didn't have a broken finger, if that makes sense. Sure. You mean injuries sustained in the fall? Exactly. But like they're so secondary and tertiary. Like my pinky is still like swollen really bad too, and that's not the broken finger, right? And I also just have a bunch of road rash on my arm. And I was telling Veeves and the doctor because I think, you know, out of my nervousness, I was trying to make way too many jokes. I cannot believe Genevieve didn't break up with me just based on the number of bad jokes. She's waiting until you heal up. Yeah, exactly. It would be gauche to do it in the middle. But anyway, I was just saying, like, yeah, I mean, I think I can probably impress people. Be like, look at that skateboarder because I got, you know, these skid marks on my arm. I got a broken finger.

I mean, people must think I'm putting your pants.

Yeah, exactly.

Anyway, I'm just saying like you might I mean, well, well, let's cross. Let's make this health care decision together when it becomes appropriate and time. But, you know, because you said you're not really into the pain thing. maybe well hopefully just won't need surgery that's fingers crossed for that but then also maybe you could just go with like would that I could cross my fingers Luke right yeah okay you know yeah toes crossed did you hurt your feet too anyway Amy says thanks to Luke and Andrew and the whole TBTL community for making TBTL possible and for making these middle-aged Midwesterners slightly more knowledgeable about pop culture and sports ball and giving us conversation topics that usually don't lead to domestic arguments well apparently this one did sorry Amy no small feat after almost 26 years of marriage holy moly congratulations you two it's a while you guys didn't seem old enough to have been married for 26 years Chad and Amy seemed very youthful yeah babies having babies Luke they see I know God no glove no love you guys honestly that's just I mean you know listen to the words of Salt-N-Pepa I don't know how it became a some kind of safe sex MTV circa 1991 talk, but it did. I've had this feeling that Chad and Amy are runners piecing together bits and pieces of our conversation at the Minnesota State Fair. Anyway, Amy says, P.S., if you need an official TBTL drummer, just let me know. Yes, we do. I saw this is way off topic. And again, I feel like now I have to sort of preface everything I say on this episode, Andrew, by saying, The stakes are much lower than what's going on with you physically, but I follow the New York Times real estate blog on Twitter for some reason, and we're in a very intense moment for our nation with gun violence and police violence and the trial that's going on in Minnesota. And there's just nothing that feels less relevant than when the New York Times just tweets at me, what can you get for $2.5 million in Bay Ridge? It's like, not now, New York Times real estate blog. But they put one out yesterday that was this guy who was like, he wants to rent in Manhattan and he wants, I forget what all the things were, but it was like, he wants a sunny two-bedroom in Manhattan for under $2,000. And they have to be okay with his drumming And I was like out of here with that shit Like What are you talking about I have never been less sympathetic To a because they do these like It's real estate but they also do these kind of rental things Which is kind of like you know a couple And they were looking to live in this section of New York And they had this much to spend and these were their You know their needs and what did they find And they will usually list like three Properties that people looked at

And then you know you can kind of like Decide what you think the best one is But this guy, I was just like, I have zero sympathy for this guy. Like, and his drumming. And they have to put up with my drumming. No. Like, no, they don't. And no, they won't, I hope. Like, I'm actively rooting against that guy. I'm actively rooting for Amy, though, as our TBTL drummer. So Amy and Chad, thank you so much for the support. Thanks for being pals of TBTL. And thank you for this last part of the email, which is giving me life. Please go out on a Counting Crows song Of Luke's choosing Better be a deep check Chad is happy there are other CC fans Out there in the world There are dozens of us, dozens Boy, you can I mean, you don't have to choose now If you don't want to I'm going monkey off of recovering the satellites Okay It took me exactly no seconds To think of that I mean, it's hard to pick It's hard to choose But, yeah, that's what I'm going to go with. Okay, sounds good. Thanks, Amy and Chad, and thanks, Lorraine, as well. We appreciate you very much. I'm not even going to activate the top stories, Sounder, because we're at 56 minutes, and also, I don't know if what I'm about to talk about qualifies as a top story, but I'm genuinely undecided, Andrew, on if I have any right to be a little bit annoyed about how my haircut situation went down yesterday. So let me start with, I'm going to start with the thing that I did that does not, as you would say, what do you say, paint yourself in glory? Sure, yeah. This does not paint me in glory, okay, but I really needed a haircut and decided way too late in the game yesterday that I would try to make a reservation at one of these Bishop's haircutting places in Portland, which are kind of like the Rudy's of down here. and uh like you were saying your problems the rudy's website uh similar problem with bishops they have like 30 locations but what you have to do is go into each individual one try to make an appointment and only then will it tell you that there are no appointments and then you have to like like there should just be a way to say can i please get a haircut at a bishops and then it'll just tell you all of the places all of the locations that have appointments available and then you can decide if it's too far away or not but anyway so the thing i did that was kind of sketchy was i made an appointment for a buzz cut because the last three times i've gotten my haircut there all i've had them do is just basically trim up the sides use like a number four clippers and just kind of i'm trying i'm sort of like leaving the top a little bit on the longer side because i don't have that much hair on top and i like to be able to swoop it and do things with it so as to make it look a little bit more full so the last couple

of times i've made an appointment for a full haircut and the haircut person said oh i'm just going to charge you for a buzz because that's all we did so i made an appointment for a buzz cut But with the thought, Andrew, maybe I'd ask him to just take a little light dusting off of the top, maybe like spend two minutes just kind of doing a look because the top is now getting really long. And I just thought maybe like a little bit of attention there would be great. Now, the reason I had to make the buzz cut appointment was because there were no appointments for a full haircut. So the full haircut, they block out, I don't know, 45 minutes, which it never takes, even if I were to get a full haircut. The buzz cut, they block out, I believe, between 14 and 28 minutes is what the website says. By the way, this is also the place that makes you watch the video with the dog talking like Matthew McConaughey.

Yeah, the lip – not really lip-syncing dog, but yeah, which you've come around on, I believe, now.

Oh, yeah. No, I'm hugely pro that dog and that whole part of the experience. but um so i i made an appointment for a buzz cut thinking well maybe i can also just while we're when we're there we're in the moment and if the buzz cutting has gone pretty quickly maybe i can just ask if and i will happily pay by the way like the buzz cut is 17 the real haircut i think is like 28 more than happy to pay for the real haircut i'm not trying to get free hair services so my hair my appointment was at 5 30 and uncharacteristically andrew i was early i was also early pulling a wall so i was there at like five and the person cutting my hair she wrapped up her you know previous cut at let's say 5 15 then she proceeded to clean up her station she was very nice by the way But I sat in that chair at about 5.23, let's say, okay? So seven minutes before the beginning of my appointment. My appointment was supposed to start at 5.30. Again, buzz cut, blocked out, I believe, 14 to 28 minutes. She says, what do we want to do today? I said, well, could you just go ahead and cut the sides with a number four, just kind of clean those up. And, you know, if it's okay, maybe just take a little off the top. She goes, no, I can't do that. I don't have time. You're signing up for a buzz cut and I have somebody right after you. And I said, okay, you know, I get that. So she cuts my hair, cuts the sides, trims it up. And I'm kind of noticing that it's going pretty fast. And then I noticed that she's now doing the thing where they take, like they unsnap the little bib, the little, you know, smock or whatever you call it. And she's blow drying off the back of my neck, getting the hair off there. And I realized we're coming to the end of this haircut. and now we're done she gives me the mirror do you like the back shirts great thank you i look up andrew it's fucking 5 32 it's two minutes after the start of my hair appointment sorry i broke out the f word there i don't know where that came from we're all grieving your finger in different ways 5 32 we were two minutes into the haircut now i did sign up for the buzz cut so that's kind of on me but do i have any reason to be mildly annoyed that i was not able to get a little attention on the top of my head because of time constraints even though the haircut took two minutes of the allotted time i thought she was gonna end up she only charged you for the buzz cut i was only charged for the buzz cut the finances you know the financial side of it was was fair and square but i was i kept looking at my watch i wasn't trying to be like dramatic about it but i kept looking at my watch

sort of incredulously because the first of all the whole haircut haircut excuse me took like nine minutes starting before 5 30 but taking us up to the number of 5 32 p.m

I think, I mean I want to have your back on these things But you and I just operate very differently

These are the drugs talking um and so i mean you're talking to a guy who still waved his orca card when he got on a bus trying the bus driver trying not to pass out you know like i just sure and that wasn't i'm not trying to paint myself as like i'm a hero because i paid two dollars to for a bus ride i'm just saying that like i kind of i i know i get really cranky about things and i i want good service for the things that i'm paying for like garbage pickup for example so i can get on my high horse about stuff like that but i don't operate in the margins the way you do and i certainly never expect people to make exceptions for me if that makes sense i'm not trying to say this to be rude but like there is i think a difference between somebody saying well you know what i'm gonna do you a favor that was pretty quick i'm gonna charge you for the buzz cut like i understand that and that's their prerogative to do that and it's nice that they do that but i also understand you signed up for this thing this is a different person i'm assuming you don't have a one-on-one relationship with this person like this isn't somebody that you return to a lot and this person who knows what else is going on and again i'm not trying to lay it on too thick here but especially during a pandemic like these people are not getting paid tons of money to be this close to the masses you know cutting hair and everything and who knows what else was going on with her but she had on her schedule a buzz cut and then somebody saying well could you do this and she just kind of i don't know she just held her boundaries i don't i understand why you're a little bit disappointed but i i wouldn't personally feel like she was in the wrong in any way um i think you're totally

right that that the big difference between you and i is i sort of expect that the rules can be bent or that i will get kind of some kind of hookup or special treatment and you don't assume that that's the case which is you know i mean you're the better person for that and and i totally recognize that i guess the part that was felt surreal to me was like if if if the appointment started at 5 30 and we were now at 5 40 okay so i think i said it's like between 14 and 28 minutes or whatever they put that down for now we're at 10 minutes if we're at 5 40 and i'm saying oh hey can you take a little off the top it's like well there's only four minutes left on the clock of of the lowest end of what we've blocked out for a buzz cut I feel like if I had done that and she was like oh yeah no can't swing it I would that would have made more sense to me but the idea that she said I can't do this extra thing because we don't have time and then we were the whole thing took two minutes into the allotted time it just felt kind of it felt a little I don't know brazil to me uh sir i cannot extend the haircut because we did not have time what time is it it's two minutes into your appointment so that's just what can i just sit here for the next 12 minutes can i just like can i just sit in the you know like because a side note that's blocked out for me right like what if i wanted to just like squat for the full 14 minutes of my appointment i mean that would be if we're going to go by like if we're going to be super legalistic about it in the way that she's not obligated to give me more of a haircut than i had signed up for Am I obligated to leave that chair Before my 14 minutes

Yeah I mean I don't want to go back and forth With you on this because like you know I as clearly And succinctly as I can possibly do It said how I feel about it I understand that you feel like you wanted more I just don't think that way You know what I mean You made a play You tried something You wanted a little bit of a haircut But you signed up for a buzz cut to get the appointment You made a play it didn't work out But they have their systems and you know I know that's Frustrating I mean there are people like me who just like Follow the rules and then you know I mean there are people in this world

The rules are that I have 14 minutes so she Didn't follow the rules the rules Are that I have the rules of 14 Minutes apply to me as much as they apply to her right

No I don't Think so like I don't think that I could Book an appointment and say I'm signing up for A buzz cut I see that it's A 14 minute slot I don't actually want you to touch my hair I just want to sit in this chair for 14 minutes I don't think they would smile on that

Well it seems then that the rules only apply in one direction there Because what it means is They don't have to Go longer than Well actually 28 minutes But the rules only apply In the direction of They will They're not going to go past their time limit with me For the haircut, for the buzz cut But if they're done early I guess we're just going to call that By the way, I also tipped her like $5 on a $17 thing. So it wasn't like I was trying to take it out on her. It just struck me as odd because if the rule is that this can not go longer than 28 minutes, it just feels like it's kind of, I don't know, it just felt like the rule.

only went in one direction which is that i have to be out of that chair asap but but also i mean i'm sort of entitled to that amount of time that they've blocked out i thought i don't know anyway um uh oh you know what just about just about transitioned us to the emails but of course that would be that would be uh pre uh premature because we got to do this that's just absolute Drops of Stupider, the deuce, day 10. Now, were you able to actually pull this together in all of your medical distress?

I was. Luckily, what I've been doing is I've been doing a lot of my pre-show production immediately following the show. So I've been putting together Drops of Stupider the day before. So this is good. We aren't going to have one tomorrow. The question is whether or not I'll pull it together. I am already feeling a lot better. like my finger still hurts but I'm really embarrassed about the beginning of the show I know that's not what you want to hear but I was so rambly there I gotta do something can we take the show over I'll try to edit that up a little bit but I was a little bit out of my mind

when the show first started I have to say and can I just tell you this Andrew like honestly friend to friend I was totally riveted by the story I'm not just saying that so I don't think you did a bad job of telling it I was I'm rarely interested in what we're talking about on the show I rarely even listen to you i'm mostly checked out i'm mostly just making a list of hair people at bishops that i have a vendetta against well that's mostly what i do while we're doing the show but this was uh this was an exception i was super like waiting to hear the next thing i do not think you

did a bad job of recounting what happened okay thank you i just i love i mean we used to tease my dad about this like and i know that my job is to talk on a podcast so maybe you know i don't want to give one word answers when you ask me a question but on the other hand like we used to tease my dad and say hey dad what'd you have for dinner last night and he'll start with his childhood it's like how like what and like i i've always been like that a little bit but i think today was a really good example like i don't know how i got into all the backstory about going to the wrong barber shop what the hell did that have to do with anything anyway let's not

Andrew please do not pursue brevity As a lifestyle Because we got to do this five days a week You got to keep that needle moving Much better that you Like to you know Mention the dazzling details Than you were you know Like sort of efficient With your economic with your language

Ask me again so Luke Ask me so what happened to you yesterday

Hey Andrew What happened yesterday anyway

I fell broke my finger hurt What's up with you

Well I gotta talk about Ashley over at Bishop

Now we got the name Alright so quick Drops of stupider here I do have something set up I think that I will be able to do this tomorrow as well But let's just focus on the now

If we can't though If it doesn't work out Don't put pressure on yourself About anything related to this show All I need to do is Tomorrow record the show by myself Fly back to St. Paul Put the show on a CD walk up to ICC and I assume burn it onto a computer somewhere that'll put it on the internet? Why am I even doing it?

It sounds like you know exactly how the show works. You take the CD. I give it to a guy named Cody who then

puts it on the internet.

Is that the Cody you're always talking about? You throw the CD in the air like a frisbee but you gotta get it really, really high otherwise it won't go into the cloud. But then if you throw the CD really, really high it gets into the cloud. And then listeners can download it. Cody's really good at throwing the CD high. That's why he's involved. But then you have Itasca trying to smack it down. So we are in the middle of the Drops of Stupider contest, playing a bunch of clips from the past, trying to get listeners to vote so we can find out what is the best moment of all TBTL history. Today, we are still talking about story time. Not unlike me spending 50 minutes telling you about a broken finger. These are times where you or me or Jen have told long stem winders, and the two segments that are going up against each other today are Jen talking about her family's reaction to Y2K, which is another thing that I had heard tell of but had never actually heard the tape of. It's very good. That is going up against, let's see, what is yours? This is only a number seven seed. I cannot believe it. luke pooping his pants at a mariners game wow i feel that's the story that built this show i know because that happened on the radio you were obsessed with the george brett tape where he tells the story of pooping his pants you guys played that on the radio heavily edited heavily beeped um and then i think you i don't know if you went into the show that night

knowing you were going to tell the mariners pooping your pants story as a kid i should say um but one thing led to another and this was a riveting hour of talk radio for those who happen to be listening to am radio at that hour the reason that i i say it built the show is

because that happened i was not planning on telling that story i was obsessed with the george brett tape because camaro kev had hipped me to it and we had been sitting in my car he had burned it onto a cd and the previous weekend we had been sitting in the parking lot of a jack in the box off of lake city playing that cd at some ungodly hour of the morning and just cry laughing and so i came in on monday and wanted to play it and then decided in kind of in the moment oh i should tell this story about the kingdom it happened to be the show where eli sanders from the stranger now i believe pulitzer prize winner eli sanders happened to just be sitting in on the show and he wrote this like really wonderful very supportive piece about tbtl in the stranger that kind of said like hey this is like the best the best talk radio show in seattle that you've never heard of where they just talk about pooping their pants and usually at least for a long time When I would ask folks, how did you hear about the show? They'd either say, wait, wait, or that piece in The Stranger.

You know, I think you have told me that I totally forgot, though, that this is the night that a reporter is sitting there. And it all turns out really well. And that article for The Stranger, you know, got a lot of traction. And you're right. It helped build the show into what it was. But was it weird telling the story with a reporter there? I mean, you're still pretty new. I mean, this is from I can give you the date here. This is from January 24. Nope, I'm sorry. This is from October 21st, 2008. So you're on the air, I don't know, well, certainly less than a year, probably less than six months at this point. I'm really bad. Oh, no, you started in January, so about eight months. Was it weird kind of finding yourself telling this intimate story on the day that you have an outsider just sitting there staring at you, writing down what he's going to put in the newspaper?

i had the confidence of a much younger woman andrew at the time and it's actually it's interesting because i just think i was so much less in my head then like i because nowadays if if we had somebody from the seattle times sitting in on a show or you know the saint paul pioneer press or something you and i both would be very conscious of what we were saying we'd have a really clear plan of what we were going to do we'd want to like really put our best foot forward and the fact that like i played that george brett tape and then literally on the fly decided to tell this other crazy story it's just i was just so much more go with the flow then it's interesting

i wonder if you thrived off of that a little bit though too if that's probably not the right word but i wonder if you liked the idea of putting off this very i don't mean this in a bad way by the way but like a very cool image because the story is like there's this in a very unusual place kind of nighttime a.m. radio on the station that has Ron and Don and Dory Monson there's this hip young show with a cult following where anything goes I could see that having somebody and Eli being you know a writer for the other hip publication the hippest publication of Seattle at the time you know and maybe still but certainly at the time you almost like really vibing off of

that and now i definitely prepared no it was definitely a big part of my shtick was like yeah you know we just talk about anything and we're like shooting you know we're shooting from the hip so that was definitely something i was probably leaning into much harder than and just luckily it kind of worked out in this one moment because i mean we could have been talking about anything we could have camaro kevin i could have been not listening to this cd over the weekend and then we would just been this whole piece would have been about something else i mean it have been about tbtl but it would it would have detailed us having a different kind of conversation so it all kind of worked out but um but yeah definitely i'm much more uptight now this takes

us off uh topic but before we get back into this tape that i'm about to play i want to say i was talking to genevieve in my ongoing rambles yesterday in my delusional mind um but it wasn't a delusion that made me feel this way um i really appreciated your coda to the boat story yesterday I was thinking about it a lot yesterday about how – well, and you put it in the context of that John Prine lyric about what is it, drowning in it. Do you feel like you're drowning in it?

It's a half an inch of water, and you think you're going to drown.

Yeah, and the way you talked about that yesterday really stuck with me. I really, really appreciated that because I don't remember that being – I mean, when you told that story originally, you were still very much in the moment. I think it was the next day. But that kind of the hindsight you had about how it just felt terrible, but how the guys, all the Jerry's like rallied around you.

that was really cool and i'm i'm really glad that you look at that moment in that way it stuck with me well maybe someday your finger your broken finger will be you know in the drops of stupider the trace yeah probably you'll say you'll say like oh man that really sucked when it happened but look at all the great content we got out of it it's so funny various surgeries that i was able

to narrate for the listeners as i was talking earlier i literally had the thought well this isn't making the drops a stupider anyway okay so back to the tape for today um so we have jen

talking about our family is there a percocet that you should be having some of or none of what i've

done with the show man i might have to go back to that stuff um so let's start with jen's story though because again okay um i didn't realize this and i think the story's pretty i don't think i have to fill in too many more details but you know back in 1999 when there's a lot of concern that the computers were going to shut down when the clock struck midnight and the year became 2000. And there was concerns that planes could fall out of the sky if they were flying and entire systems could crash and they could bring society to its knees. That was a real concern. This was something that Jen and her husband were concerned about. And so they bought a piece of property way out in the middle of nowhere somewhere. This is, you know, Jen at this point, because your childhood friends but um this is you know long before tbtl this is in again 1999 and um she was telling you back in 2012 about her prepping process i was into it i had like i had charts and i had files

and i had all my lists of all the things i had to do and the first thing that we had to do was get the well there was a well on the property so i had this really really long list and the first thing was i had to get the well working but i didn't i mean what would you do you know there's just a hole and i could look down and i could see it was a well but there was it was just a hole in the ground a really deep hole so i called down to the trading post and i said i need a what you call it a pump for my well i need i need a way to get water out of my well and he goes okay well how deep you well and i just paused for a minute and then i said the answer that's always served

me well medium oh good we'll order up a medium pump for you he said that's that's not the answer

to that question i said what is the answer question was how deep is it like number of feet i said how would i ever know that and he said well you tie something to a string and then you lower the string in until it hits the bottom and then you mark it and then you pull it back out i mean he's like giving instructions i said okay so anyway so i got my well working i mean luke it is impossible for me to tell you how much food we had i mean like rooms and rooms of food these huge white 10 gallon buckets just filled with rice and flour and sugar and wheat berries and honey and brown sugar i mean it just went on for days i i had found a deal for like crates and crates and crates of cigarettes and i was going to buy them because my idea was people are going to be desperate but for cigarettes, and I can barter them for good stuff.

That did not end up happening, by the way. Jason was concerned about taking advantage of people's addictions, I believe.

I love that Jason, even in a Y2K scenario, would be like, we're not going to price gouge people on their cancer sticks, Jennifer.

Right, right. I think, by the way, that was edited. I don't know if you could hear the edits in there, but that was actually from three different parts of the conversation. And the cigarette thing was actually in response to you were asking, How are you guys going to protect yourself out there? Like if the rest of the world is not prepping and then suddenly you're the ones with all the food and the shelter. How, you know, how are you going to protect yourself from marauders, essentially, because they said they weren't going to have any guns. And so that's why Jen had the cigarettes that she could buy people off. They could buy their own safety.

But she was going to go carrot rather than stick. Yeah, I guess. If you will. Yeah. But I'm sure Bob Andrews, her father-in-law, or Mrs. Andrews, my one-time high school teacher, I'm sure they were packing heat. I'm sure they were ready to defend the little—because that was the whole thing. That church, which may or may not still exist, called Tree of Life, they moved—like the whole congregation moved over there to Rice, Washington, near Colville. because it had the most sunshine year-round for solar purposes.

Again, I didn't listen to this whole piece. Oh, I want to mention, by the way, so I'll put all these links on today's show page so you can vote for these two stories or one of them. You can't vote for them both. But there's also links to the original shows. And so if you want to hear Jen's entire Y2K story, just go to today's show page at tbtl.net and you can vote and also you can find a link to this because there's a lot of fascinating details

And again, I didn't get to listen to the whole thing, but I understand why that was so popular.

Yeah. It's a crazy story. I cannot believe that they did that. And then I'm glad that they came back to civilization because otherwise TBTL wouldn't exist. Right. Exactly.

OK, so I'm going to move on to the next piece of tape here. Luke, this is the story we were talking about before that you told while Eli Sanders was scratching in his reporter's notepad way back in October of 2008. You're telling a very long story about how you're a kid, you're at the Kingdome watching the Mariners play with, I believe, your friend's family, and you have to go to the bathroom really bad, but you don't want to go to the bathroom at the Kingdome.

Finally, by the eighth inning, I go seven innings of pure hell, trying to adjust my belt, moving around in my seat, and finally, I get to this point where even I, 12, 13-year-old Luke Burbank, with my phobia of using the Kingdome bathroom. Even I'm like, whatever lies in wait for me up there in that bathroom is better than this. Nothing's worse than this, okay?

What were you thinking, though? Were you thinking that you were going to make it all the way through the game and then all the way to walking to the car and getting home?

Yes, that's what I thought. That's exactly what I thought. And I almost made it. I made it to the eighth inning. So I finally go like, I've got to go up there. I don't care what happens. I start walking up the stairs and I realize even walking up the stairs is dangerous because I'm not clenching properly. Each stair that I ascend, my legs sort of, you know, so I managed to kind of waddle up to the bathroom. I get to the men's bathroom in the kingdom and there is a line for each stall of maybe eight guys, eight or ten guys. And I have to go so bad that I'm starting to involuntarily do a dance, kind of do like a jig without even realizing it. I'm just shifting back and forth. And this guy in the line next to me looks over and he kind of starts laughing, not even in a mean way. Just he's just kind of because he doesn't realize that I'm as much of a head case as I am. So he just is like, boy, this guy's really got to go. And I look at him and I get embarrassed now and I don't know what to do. So I look back at him and I try to kind of myself smile and kind of play it off like a joke. But in that moment of looking at him and thinking, how do I play this? I took my concentration off of my bottom and it was an explosion. I am talking like imagine like a gallon of iced tea and imagine just pouring that down. It was a massive, massive, massive situation. And I still have like seven guys before I even get to go inside the stall.

I'm sorry, but that's a good story. It really is. I love to. You don't hear Sean until the end. Like Sean just can't. Sean can't contain himself anymore. You start hearing him chuckle in the background.

Oh, man. Man, that's, you know, if that's the Peter, if that's the rock upon which we've built this church, it's a decent one. It's pretty good. In my opinion. It's pretty good. If I do say so myself. Ice tea. Again, you know, not to. You say ice tea, but actually that wouldn't be ice tea. That would just be tea. That's right. You know, what I realized hearing that is I was kind of, when I made that iced tea reference, I was basically channeling or unwittingly ripping off an SNL sketch, which is for adult diapers called Oops, I Crapped My Pants. Oh, yeah. And what they do that's so genius in that sketch is they're demonstrating the absorbency of the adult diapers by pouring an entire pitcher of iced tea into it. Oh, I see. So that lived somewhere in my brain, and that was why that was the reference point.

Right, right, right. Well, there you go, everybody. You can vote for those, too, and listen to the full stories at TVTail.net. Click on today's show page.

Here I go once again with the email. Every week, I hope that it's from a female No, man It's not from a female

Any emails or V-mails striking your fancy today, my friend?

Let me see here I'm just looking at the list that has been building We talked about voles yesterday I was confusing moles with voles My cat probably caught voles before

Can we just do I mean, can I If you're sort of out of I mean, do you have an email that you're hot on? Yeah, I got a whole list here But do you have one that you're hot on? I think you should keep playing Corey's adorable child, Rhiannon. Oh, yeah, you can play the show with.

God.

I mean, I mentioned on the show the other day, I will have to stop the Doogie music, forgive me for that, but Corey made a reference, I believe, in his Dazzling Donor message.

about his daughter, Rhiannon, and the fact that they like to say, life's a potty, wipe your body, or wash your body. And I said, can we please get that? Can we get a recording of the kids saying that? And we did, and OMG.

Life's a potty, wipe your body.

I mean, just as adorable as it gets. And then she also said TBTL, which I actually have that recording here as well. I was playing this for you before the show because Rhiannon is so musical in how she says T-B-T-L. Again, forgive me. I'm grabbing it off my desktop. Do you want me to play it? I got it here if you want. Sure, yeah.

T-B-T-L.

Beautiful. I mean, the pipes. The pipes. Listen to that little flourish at the end. I know. Right at the end, she goes, L. Let's do it again. Can you play it one more time?

T-B-T-L.

L. L. Yeah, like a little vibrato there at the end. Yeah, I like it. I like it. Rhiannon. Talented. Very, very talented. Thanks, Corey, for sending that in. And Rhiannon, thanks for playing along with this weird podcast that mostly talks about pooping your pants. Something you can probably relate to as a child. Alright, what was the email you wanted to read?

Well, I just have a bunch here. Let me clear some of these out. We have Candy who's we don't usually give out last names but I know that she has a Brewster in her last name. And we were talking about Punky Brewster the other day. And Candy says, so interested to hear Monday's discussion regarding Punky Brewster. The aforementioned has significance to my family. The real Punky Brewster is actually a cousin of my ex-husband. Wait, what? So the real Punky Brewster. Punky was a tiny girl living with her family at a New Jersey boarding school where Brandon Tartikoff was a student. he always just thought it was a cool name and when he was launching the sitcom he reached out to Punky to ask permission to use her name obviously she said yes he later flew her out for a bit part in one of the shows it's a cool name and we named our beloved recently passed Yellow Lab Punky oh sorry about losing Punky candy but if that makes sense so the show creator which I didn't know that name did you know Brandon Tartikoff

yeah Brandon Tartikoff was a legendary TV executive. Okay. But I didn't know that he was involved with Punky Brewster, but this checks out. The internet says Punky Brewster's real name was Peyton. Oh. Yeah, there was a real Punky Brewster, as Candy points out. Yeah. Boy, what if

you had caught Candy in a lie? What if you looked this up and it was actually different? Would you have said that? would you have said boy we you know we're getting another one of these fabrications from candy

um this is the see this is the problem with me not pre-reading anything is like i would have been arriving at that conclusion as the listeners were hearing it i would have been learning at the same time as listeners that candy is a liar just notorious reading cold reading this website but it the story very much checks out brandon tartikoff uh attended the lawrenceville school and exclusive boys-only academy where he met the daughter of a teacher whose name was adorably Punky Brewster.

There you go. There you go. So we can leave it there as far as, I mean, I have some more emails I can share with you as the week goes on, but I think we're good. And don't forget, we wanted to go out with Monkey, right?

Monkey off of Recovering the Satellites. I mean, again, God, it's so hard to pick. I feel like Recovering the Satellites is a very slept-on Counting Crows album. I think people really focus on August and everything after, but I just think Recovering the Satellites has got some real solid jams. It's got Long December on it, which is a very, obviously, kind of wistful song, but a beautiful one at that. But we're going to go with Monkey.

That sounds good.

Yeah, Long December is the only track on this that I recognize the name of. You're going to like this, though. I mean, and if you don't like it, I'm going to blame it on your recent injury. Sure. Because you're just not yourself today.

I'm about to take a Vicodin as soon as we're done here You do that my friend

Can you blow off the rest of your day Once you've thrown this CD into the cloud I think I can Go get in bed There's a day game for the Mariners Just say no kids by the way I'm not trying to promote drug use But in this case Just go get in bed and pop a couple perks And just zone out for the Mariners game dude

At some point I gotta do after these messages That's the other thing

Don't do that today. Do it tomorrow. You know what I'm looking at here?

This is gross. I'll do after these messages for you. Remember how I said my other hand? Like, if I didn't have a broken finger right now, the rest of my injuries would be freaking

me out but i'm not even thinking about them i'm peeping underneath the bandage on my non-broken finger and i it is it's not good the i think i might be in the um in the market for a new finger now pretty did they have to cut your pinky ring off um did they cut my they have to cut like to get oh i know you love your ring itself um no they for some reason they cut off my ankle bracelet which I don't know why they did that it was like one of those braided ones but yeah I think I'm going to lose a fingernail here that's a whole thing I hadn't even thought about and that's on the good finger anyway yeah I need to go lay down alright let's yeah please do Andrew for me

will you consider like I'll just do after these messages tonight with Veeves

we'll figure something out if Veeves wants to I'll run that by her I'm sure I'll be fine I do think I need to go take a nap though

go lay down please

set me straight

go rest your tumor

yeah alright

Thanks for listening, everybody. We're going to be back here tomorrow. At least I will. Andrew TBD.

I'll be here.

We'll be back here tomorrow with more imaginary radio for you. Until then, have a great Tuesday. Stay safe. Take care of yourselves. Watch those cameras as you go down. And please remember, no mountain too tall. And good luck to all.

I've been in the months. When can we begin? Where you been? Well, I'm all messed up, that's nothing new Hey, monkey, when you open up your blue eyes I don't know if I'm wide awake or dreaming But all I ever need is everything Hey, monkey, where have you been? This lonely spiral I've been in Hey monkey, where can we be again? Hey monkey, where have you been? Just get the world off your shoulders And close your pretty blue eyes Hey, monkey, what's life without an occasion of surprise? Power out.