Muse

The new sound of the 80s. Suddenly you hear it everywhere. Rap music. It's all beat and all talk. It tells you a story and makes you want to dance. Steve Fox examines an overnight phenomenon. Rapping to the beat.

There have been talking blues and things like concertos for drums. But right now, all around us, and so compelling you never miss the fact there's no melody, is a music that is all beat and talk. it's rap music and it sounds like this tbtl

now if you haven't heard of these young men then you must be the wrong age because they're rock and roll specialists oh my god the new phone book's here the new phone book's here

are you aware that other networks refer to us as the poland of broadcasting is it too early good fish sandwich why do you want to say it can you say the drop you don't want to say that's my wife oh please say it that's my wife see i can't get him to do it on the spot this is the kind of spontaneous publicity your name in print that makes people all right hello good morning and

And welcome to a Wednesday edition of TBTL, the show that just might be too beautiful to live.

You know, this show is like a dynasty. You hold it, and then you hand it off to the next person.

My name is Luke Burbank. I am your host.

I'm an ideas man, Michael. I think I proved that with F*** Mountain.

Sorry about the slight delay there at the top of the show. My headphones are being a little squirrely. So I don't hear my voice right now, but I assume you're hearing it. actually if it's actually broken we just would have had to start the show over and then get it fixed and then record it like this which you would be hearing so whatever's happening you're hearing it it's episode 3426 in a collector series by the way i am coming to you as always or at least per usual from the nest broadcast center high in the sky above portland oregon And let the fun begin. I also probably sound a little amped up today because I finally got my Splenda. It's your lucky day. Well, I didn't go out and buy a box of it because who has 10 minutes? But I did boost a handful of the packets from my local Starbucks.

This song goes out to all the coffee lovers of the world.

I knew that I knew they wouldn't judge me. I got to tell you, though, this Starbucks in my neighborhood. I do live in the coffee district of Portland. This Starbucks is a, it is just an anxiety, it is like a factory that produces anxiety. The drive-thru situation at this Starbucks because of its design. Because you can come in from either MLK Street or Grand Street. There are two entrances, and both of them are marked drive-thru, like there are signs. So if you were coming from either one of those, you'd think, I am following the rules. I'm getting in the drive-thru, but you're coming at it from opposite directions. And as the line bends around and snakes, it's just like, it's just a recipe for disaster. And I almost had a disaster today, but anyway, I got through it, got my Splenda, and we are ready to go, my friends, with this episode of the show. We talked about this yesterday, we didn't get to it. this story of these cicadas in, like, Indiana that are going to emerge after 17 years of hibernation. They are going to emerge to have the sex. I know what sex means and is. But there is a psychedelic fungus that a bunch of them will have which will make their butts fall off. It's essentially a cicada STD which we'll tell you about coming up. Also, yesterday, I wondered aloud if the day will come when we can just type using our brain. Andrew said that will never happen. You're wrong, Luke. But I was right. We will be able to type with our brain. In fact, people are already doing it.

It's like someone punching your brain, but in a weirdly satisfying way.

Also, we will journey on with the drops of Stupider the Deuce contest. round three of us trying to figure out the greatest moment in tbtl history we will all

remember this moment for the rest of our lives also some emails and v-mails and this guy long

turning cobro of the show he's a activist and house party enthusiast now that meet meet ribby ribby didn't work out he's trying out yet another catchphrase today slow down george jetson he's andrew walsh and he's joining me right now from the roosevelt neighborhood of seattle washington Good morning, my friend. A lot of people don't know his first name was...

George, it's kind of a secret, what they call a hidden egg, a gem. Sure, an Easter egg. An Easter egg, not a hidden egg, okay.

Only the real heads know. Only the real eggs know. By the way, I'm dealing with a little early show embarrassment. I feel like that was a rough start for me. For some reason, when I started talking, I don't know, I got a, after I go buy a box of Splenda packets, I'm also going to buy one of those keyboard cleaning, you know, air cans, because as I've talked about on the show before, I bought this when I moved to Portland, I bought this very fine Behringer 24 bit multi FX processor, this audio board. And the reason I wanted to buy this audio board is because it has these mute buttons so that I can hit mute and cough and make noise and or if ambulances are coming. By the way, I'm going to reopen this window because it's warm in here. But anyway, I use the mute button so frequently that now it gets stuck down. And sometimes what I'm noticing is I have to, like, toggle it in this very specific way. And I think you have some similar stuff going on with your board, Andrew. But now what will happen is I will toggle it and it will half. I mean, this should just be binary. This should be on or off. But I swear to God, this happened yesterday when we were recording Livewire. Sometimes it's like it only comes halfway back on. And I don't know if it's the headphones are being weird or if it's literally like half of only half of my voice is going through the microphone.

It's literally exactly what happens on mine, too. I think they're just like kind of dusty buttons. And that was I worked in the adult industry for a while. They called me dusty buttons.

But gentlemen, stepping onto the main stage, get ready to fall in love. Dusty Buttons longest song of the night.

Dusty Buttons would be Kind of maybe dressed up like the old maid On the back of the old maid cards

This is what you would come out to This would be your come out music You know what that's the sounder for? What did we play that for all the time? A short-lived segment called You Won't Hear This on Andrew's Fancy Public Radio Show

Oh, that's right. Oh, my God. From KCRW. It must have been when you were in L.A. Yes, I was working. I forgot about that. I was working on my fancy public radio show at KCRW, and then afterwards I would do TBTL with you and be like, oh, yeah, well, we talked about that. Or, oh, yeah, we had so-and-so on our show to talk about that. You'd be like, oh. And then you started coming up with stuff you wouldn't hear. We had George Will on the show to talk about that. You know, here's something you won't hear on Andrew's Fancy Public Radio. Anyway, I can associate with your button situation.

Gentleman Dusty is working for tips. Get ready to fall in love.

You go to unmute your mic, and all of a sudden it sounds like you kind of half hear yourself in one ear, and you don't hear yourself in the other, and you don't know how it's coming across to the other person. I did not hear it on my end, or whatever that's worth.

So it makes me think it must be somehow headphone-related, oddly enough. In other words, my voice sounded the same to you and everybody else. The other thing I did, which I feel embarrassed about, is I questioned myself as to right in the moment if it's beep-beep-ribby-ribby or meep-meep-ribby-ribby. And, of course, it's beep-beep-ribby-ribby. That's what Jack Donaghy says. I think you said that. I think you nailed it. No, I said meep. You did? The men who said meep. Mm-hmm. It's only a flesh wound. You know, like, sometimes I'll do that. Like, I actually, the listeners would be shocked to know, and a number of listeners, I guess, will observe this IRL next week when we're doing the TBTL-a-thon 12 content list delivery, but I do have a surprisingly robust amount of notes for the top of the show. um and so like what i'm going to say to introduce you i will usually write down a little note to myself because otherwise i will literally just freeze up panic or say something just senseless if i don't have a little plan and so i had written down beep beep ribby ribby then new catchphrase to remind myself that i wanted to say you're trying out a new catchphrase now that beep beep ribby ribby didn't work but then for whatever reason i just i i doubted myself and i Went with meep, meep, ribby, ribby.

Well, first of all, that's a good way to not get sued. Let's spin it that way. That's our own thing. Take that, NBCUniversal.

If that was the thing that finally brought down the hammer of justice on our show.

Not playing full Prince songs, but you just saying the words meep.

If you're crying over the Prince song, it's a new piece of art, Andrew. I believe the Supreme Court has held that in Luke V. His Feelings.

that's actually a good show title um did you notice i also added a little bit of extra see it to the untrained ear what you would have heard in the intro would have been a mistake and an audio mistake but actually what i was doing was i was doing as you like to um reference back to luke i was kind of doing the old upside down airplane stamp there the misprint on the baseball card the the nft of podcasts i accidentally i was typing on my keyboard so while you're during the introduction that music that's playing underneath you that's coming from my computer my microphone is muted but i was responding to an email i mean i was obviously first and foremost listening and

hanging on every word you were saying i imagine that what you do is sort of that like i don't know that sort of school girl with a crush trope so you've got your elbows on the table and you've got your head in your hands and you're just staring at the ipdtl program and kind of twirling your hair with one hand too you know what i actually do three hands by the way in this particular fantasy i have about you well you don't know because i don't do this when you're

here in person with me because it just seems a little bit extra but i have uh like a like a kind of a single bed here like kind of a kid's bed uh that i pull out and i lay down on my stomach and I prop my elbows on the bed and I create like a nest for my chin with my fingers crossed. What are you doing with your feet?

Are you bending your legs at the knees as well?

Kicked up. They're kicked up and I'm sort of kind of kicking them back and forth and crossing them at the ankles and I'm just focused on everything you're saying and just hanging in every word. I am also typing emails to people whose houses we might stop at next week And in typing, I accidentally hit the mute key on my keyboard. That is a brand new mistake for me. So it's nice to know there's still new mistakes out there. I just hit the mute key that mutes my entire computer. And that's why for a moment there, Luke, and I don't know if it threw you for a loop, but you lost your music back there.

Is that a Matthew Sweet album? Brand new mistake? Yeah, I think so. It could be. Yes, yes. Were you doing, when you were not busy muting the music and typing emails, in your schoolgirl sort of, I guess it's my schoolgirl fantasy about you, are you doing a mash note as well? Are you writing, you know, mansion, what was A? I forget what A was. Apartment. Shack. Mansion, apartment. I heard somebody once said, when I grew up it was mansion, apartment, shack, house. But I guess in some places the S stood for sewer. That might have been me. I feel like, God, the stakes just got really high in that game.

Yeah. You know, I think this came up because I said sewer. But, again, maybe I don't trust my memory. I mean, maybe one time. Meet Ribby Ribby. Yeah, we played as sewer. But, yeah, definitely you don't want to end up with that. But, yeah, that email I was sending for whatever it's worth, what I do is I was typing it out, as you heard, and then I print it, and then I fold it into that. But if somebody held a gun to your head right now, let's keep this innocent. First thing, what are you doing in my apartment? Let's say a squirt gun just to keep it from being too dark. Oh, yeah, thank you. But you hate getting wet. We know you hate getting your face wet. So would you even know where to begin folding one of those little doohickeys?

Oh, wait. So you're saying there was, oh, you mean, see now. The mash thing where it's like Yeah but you know what Right I know what you're talking about I think The way that I remember being played where I grew up Or maybe I was just playing with kids that didn't know what they were doing It was more of a thing that was on a piece of paper And the way that you Somebody would be drawing a spiral And you would say stop And depending on where the spiral was Then that would somehow indicate Where you ended up in the mansion Sewer, apartment, house Lamborghini how many kids you have who you're married to etc world but I know that other thing you're talking about too I forget the name for that yeah I really had a name but those things I never knew how to make those I was shite at origami yeah and I really wanted to be good at origami because like I was very into the idea of making throwing stars paper throwing stars

I never knew how to do that either I couldn't

ever get it down you know speaking of mash really quick I was watching this program on HBO called a black lady sketch show Which I just have to say Is very funny and one of the stars of it Lacey Mosley was on Livewire Recently and she's just absolutely amazing She also has a great podcast called Scam Goddess I will say that saying me as a white Man saying a black lady sketch show For people that don't know That's the name of it makes me feel a little uncomfortable Like when we're recording Livewire and I go like We're going to have an actress on from a black lady Sketch show and I want to be I want to like footnote it by saying That's the name that's not just how why i'm talking about it but anyway they had a a sketch where a character shows up basically her life is in ruins and she shows It shows up where this woman is living in this beautiful mansion with this handsome guy, and it's basically because this was someone who stole her MASH outcome from, like, sixth grade, which is kind of a genius premise for a sketch. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm just getting – I'm sorry to get you off track. I'm just getting really confused here as to whether or not I'm totally conflating two different games or if the folded up one was the same game. And for those of us who didn't know how to make it folded up, we did the spiral thing because I remember doing the spiral thing, too. Do you think that that that little folded up origami little, you know, finger puppety thing that's going to seal your fate? Was that was that was that something other than mash? And also, why am I digging deeper on this? Everybody's probably just really angry at us right now for not knowing these things.

I think it was where I grew up And of course a lot of the stuff is probably regional Where I grew up I think it was different than MASH But it was different but similar You know what I mean? Like it was another thing where you pick a number And then that's the number of times that you go You open this little Folded kind of contraption X number of times And you kind of would open it, close it Open it the other way, close it And somehow the number you picked on the outside On one of those little, let's call them leaves Would start the whole process And then you'd unfold it and there'd be something written inside. So it was similar to MASH, but in my memory, it was a little different.

You know, and I remember very specifically, I mean, we did those things a lot, various versions of them in grade school. And I remember, though, very specifically, Joni Walter giving me that one time. And it said, you are going to end up being a podcaster who lives in a long-term non-married relationship with Vives in Seattle, in an apartment in Seattle, Washington. And you're going to drive a VW golf. Did she say anything about Bitcoin?

Dogecoin came up, I believe, briefly. By the way, there are a number of names for it, but I believe paper fortune teller is what the Internet. I don't think we ever used those terms when I was a kid, but the Internet wants to call it an origami paper fortune teller. Yep.

I never knew how to make those. Always super impressed by them. The only origami I got into was our class did do the 1,000 paper cranes thing. Did you ever do that as a class?

No, but Addy did. And then they had to sing a song called Cranes Over Hiroshima.

I don't know if we knew the song, but it was like, I think, yeah.

It was related probably to peace when it comes to the nuclear front, as it were.

Yeah, I don't know if it was because of a specific anniversary or if it was just a celebration of Japanese culture. But yeah, our class definitely did that, and I got into it, man. Big cranes, little cranes, all kinds of cranes.

Should we bring some origami paper on this trip next week to pass the time in the Mitsubishi Delica?

We could try. I feel like I'm origami-ing a little bit with a broken wing here, but I don't know how much that would affect it. I definitely would pass on any competitions until I'm fully healed.

I keep forgetting that you have not one but two broken fingers. How are those doing? Well, not great.

I don't know, man. I have my physical therapy appointment today and then a real doctor's appointment. Boy, that was really rude to physical therapists. But then like, you know, my another follow up appointment with my doctor who did the surgery on my hand later in the week. And I'm pretty in my head about them. The thing is, this physical therapy, which I actually learned was is technically occupational therapy. I'm seeing an occupational therapist, which makes it seem like I do. Somehow that feels like a promotion to me. Like I'm now this is about work. So so I'm making APM pay for it, making the listeners pay for it. But anyway, so I'm going to have my I guess my third appointment with him later on this afternoon. And he's going to do this thing where he's going to try to get my fingers to bend. What's happening here is my main broken finger. The one with the pins through it is my ring finger on my left hand. But I also did something to my pinky finger. And that is essentially it won't move. It can't bend. neither one of those fingers will bend and at this point it's less about the the break for probably both of them but certainly the pinky and it's more about the fact that the tendon has atrophied and so he's just trying to make it work yeah i mean i was last night does it hurt when if

you were to try to make a fist would that be just tremendously painful well you just it's like you

can't it's it's like i've been trying to explain a way to i've tried been thinking of ways to explain to people it's like it'd be like if i asked you to make a fist backwards it wouldn't hurt you just can't do it but then if you started taking your other hand and trying to force your fingers to do a fist backwards that would start to hurt right that's what physical therapy or occupational therapy is like and i'm supposed to be practicing and exercising this throughout the day every day but even when i do it to myself it hurts so i have this pinky now he literally brings out some sort of a medical protractor to see how Thank you. much um how much bend i can get in this finger um and then he kind of will you know he's a very nice guy and he you know we we have conversations and i think he's a conversationalist anyway but also i think he's doing it to maybe take my head take my brain off the pain because it does hurt as he's very gently but pushing harder and harder on this little pinky because i think that if i just stop doing this eventually these pins will come out but right now i just can't make a fist I was showing Genevieve last night. Like, I was just like, I would just look like, I don't know, Camaro Kev's grandfather trying to make a fist, only it's my pinky and ring finger just stick straight out. It's kind of upsetting. And then tomorrow, I'm worried, or I'm sorry, on Friday, I'm going in, and the doctor, the surgeon, is going to take a look at this thing in my hand. And last time, he had to adjust it a bit, and that did not feel good. And this time, I think it's growing. It's like kind of cattywampus now. and I've been in my head about that a little bit because I think on Friday he's going to go in and push this thing around quite a bit something I'm not looking forward to so I'm sorry if that was too long and real of an answer I probably know fine but it's it's I don't know I'm in my head about it I'll say I'm kind of I'm in my head about this stuff it's not I'm sorry if I

can center my experience in this please do please if we find ourselves in any biker bars or other places where toughs hang out on the trip next week I'm going to be really careful about starting any fights because you're not going to be able to get my back in the way that you normally do in those situations.

Yes, in the way I'm famous for doing. Remember that time I hid under the pool table because I knew if I waited him out, I'd be able to catch him at a vulnerable moment.

I stand by my contention that the first time you punch someone in adult life, you will literally knock them into space. It will be the hardest punch of all time because it will be 25 plus years or more. It'll be 30 years of being low-key annoyed at people's behaviors but not really expressing. My arm will just like kind of spin around like 15 times and boing, and then the person will go flying to the moon. Because the listeners can't get enough of my entertaining adventures trying to get my hands on fake sugar products, I had to run a quick errand this morning, and on my way back I realized, Oh, I'll just grab a cup of coffee because I will also be able to grab some Splenda, which I was successful at. Although I will tell you this, I had to go inside the Starbucks because the line for the drive-thru was so long and, again, so ready for people to be furious. Because, you know, people don't – I mean, I say this on the show all the time, Andrew. Don't talk to me until I've had my coffee. People are not in a great mood at 830 in the morning anyway. And if they're in line to get coffee, presumably they're getting that coffee to kind of wake themselves up and get things going. And it's just a really terrible piece of design that they have because you can come in from both ends. But there's no way – like if the line decides to break towards MLK Street, then that just becomes the line. And if you come in off of Grand, which is also a legitimate entrance, you now can't get in the line. You know what I'm saying?

You have to walk back outside the building, and you walk in, you suss out the situation, you have to go back outside and come in the other door?

No, I'm sorry. You know what? I've made this confusing. I'm talking about – I went in, but I'm talking about people just in their cars. Oh, okay. Oh, I'm sorry. So, yeah, like when you pull in, and if the line – and I've seen it go both directions. And sometimes it decides – it just has to do with when there are too many cars to fit into the drive-through lane, then the next car that comes in, so the car that's going to be kind of hanging out in the parking area, if it comes from Grand Street, that means the line has now broken that direction. And anybody who comes in after that from Grand Street will be forming the line. The snake will have broken to the left. But if the person that comes in at that critical moment is coming from MLK, the line breaks that way. And there's no way to know which way it's going to go until you pull into the parking lot. And if the line is going again, yeah, there's like you're just trapped and you literally like can't even get out of the parking lot. It is just a terrible situation, which involved me just parking and then going in. But I did go in and they, of course, have now because of covid, they don't have the Splenda out where you can grab it. Yeah, because, you know, in the before times, I won't lie. I'm not above grabbing a handful of Howard Schultz's finest Splenda just to get even with him for the Sonic since I lost my nerve

when I met him in real life. That's why. That's the only reason. Can I tell you one quick thing? Insert here. Genevieve, who's also a Splenda bro like you, but we buy our Splenda at the Safeway. We're set for that, but Genevieve makes a habit of when she sees Stevia to grab one or two or three packets of that and tuck it away why because certain recipes call for stevia but this is not a stevia home so she only needs a little bit of stevia to keep in the back of the cupboard and case she's you know making a recipe anyway smart yes very smart so i go in and i'm sad to see that they don't have the splenda out because now it's going to create a scenario where i need to ask the person behind the glass at starbucks can i have 10 splendas please which i know she thinks i'm just putting in my coffee like a maniac um although i think getting free splenda from the starbucks and bringing it home is also maniacal behavior um but i swear to god andrew she grabbed 10 stevia packets and i had to say i shit you're not i said oh no no the the yellow one and then she reached and guess what there weren't that many of the yellow ones left why because the splenda heads know it's so much better than stevia they were they were almost 86 on splenda But I was able to get, like, five packets, so we good.

Can I share something with you? This is from listener Veronica who posted this on the Slack channel. She says, I feel like Luther is missing something about why the hip coffee places don't offer Splenda. It's the same reason why Whole Foods doesn't carry it because it's chemically derived. Stevia is plant-derived. Most of these coffee shops are also offering organic milk and homemade oat milk for the same reason. I don't think it's that they're trying to be cool. I think it's more about keeping consistency with the ingredients and vibe of the rest of their food offerings.

Well, I think Veronica and I are saying the same thing. I mean, maybe I attributed it to style, but what I attributed it to more was a vibe. And the vibe is Splenda is gross and fake and has American flags sometimes printed on it and is, I'll tell you another place where you'll have no trouble getting Splenda, Dutch Brothers. Are you familiar with this nightmare? No. Guess what I get to see this weekend? My Dutch Brothers. That was like four jokes rolled into one. There is a chain of coffee shops down here in Oregon called Dutch Brothers. I think they've crept northwards. They might see them in like Kelso or maybe all the way up to like Olympia. But they have not made their way into Seattle yet, Andrew. Not that I know of, but I don't leave my apartment too much. This, I mean, again, maybe we have. Well, let me put it this way. i believe they sell bumper stickers or trucker hats that say dutch mafia that's for and we're a show that only exists because people love the show and identify as tens and get tattoos occasionally and it's a big part of their id so i don't know if having a podcast as part of your identity is any different than having a coffee stand as part of your um identity but the line for the dutch brothers any dutch brothers anywhere i've ever seen in oregon and it could be here in portland could be out in salem the outskirts whatever day and night there is a line like around the block like more so than the starbucks and it appears the dutch brothers big thing is they make these insane coffees that have like or they make these like drinks with red bull in them and like you can get like i don't know like skittles on your coffee or some there's something there called like a unicorn i mean it's not for me let me put it that way but i'll tell you people they love their dutch brothers around here

i um pardon me am unfamiliar with that uh i was just looking it up as we speak of course when you say dutch mafia without knowing about the dutch brothers it just sort of sounds like a you know like kind of mafiosos who are wearing like clogs it just doesn't sound like suit like

dutch mafia doesn't seem like the i don't know if you don't pay fat tony you'll be wearing some

cement clogs i mean you already have bros in the name just call yourself i don't know you're a bro like why why mafia that that seems forced and weird to me however before i just continue on this negativity train may i present do you have your bell handy luke because i just stumbled on something delightful we're gonna need your bell for this on the wikipedia page for the fortune I'm sorry, the paper fortune teller Oh, you mean the cootie catcher? That's the bell Give yourself a bell Or a chatterbox A salt cellar A whirlybird Or a paku paku But I like cootie catcher a great deal Chatterbox and whirlybird Very close seconds What about blue rebel?

Oh, I'm sorry, that's a Dutch Brothers drink Oh, that would be a good quiz the blue rebel energy drink which they by the way all of these drinks are they have that little r and a circle around it which i guess means registered no yeah wouldn't it be more of a a trademark what does the r with a circle mean i mean clearly they don't want someone else to make a dutch freeze they don't want someone to make a blue rebel energy drink our private label energy treatment. Unleash your individuality with any flavor combo, but make sure you don't violate our trademark on this. Yeah, it's, you know, I don't know why. Oh, my God. This is a great quiz. Andrew, is this a thing that somebody has said in a Bitcoin forum or is this a Dutch Brothers drink? Double rain, bro. Oh, brain, bro. Oh, my God. God, Aftershock. Is that a thing that was said in a Wall Street bets forum about GameStop, or is that the name of a Dutch Brothers Blue Rebel energy drink product?

I did not know about this. So is this more in, like, the areas outside of Portland, or is this, like, in Portland?

I can see one from my apartment is the crazy part. Yeah, I mean, I would say that it is a bit more of a suburban phenomenon. You know where they also have them? Boise. Mm-hmm. Which is, of course, a paltry competition for our friend Broadcast Berry's new operation out there in Boise. But they are – I do think it's a little bit more of a suburban phenomenon. And this is just – I don't understand why it is that I'm happy to put at times copious amounts of alcohol into my system. But I just find energy – and also coffee. Like I drink coffee like it's going out of style. But I find energy drinks to just be very off-putting, which I don't know if there's like an elitism there or something or what's going on. like that I look down my nose at something that's just not for me. But the fact that Dutch brothers, so much of their stuff is built around this kind of weird energy drink culture, weird to me, energy drink culture. Yeah. It's just like when there's, when I see the line of people waiting to get their double rain bros at Dutch brothers, I just feel like we've lost our way as a society.

It is weird to me. And I'm always trying to figure you out. It is weird to me though, that you feel like, you know, like a packaging or marketing that looks like the logo is scraped with claws from the inside of the can, that that doesn't fit into your aesthetic. Oh, you mean the Dutch Freeze? I was picturing the Monster logo, but I did a terrible job.

But they literally have a cup. The Dutch Freeze blended espresso perfection. The irony is I'm dragging Dutch Brothers and also doing an unpaid ad for them. Yeah, right, right. I don't know. You know what? Everybody gets to live their life, and everybody gets to enjoy their life. I will tell you this. For me personally, I make a lot of terrible food decisions. I eat late at night, which is not a great idea. I eat a lot of trash food. But a thing that, again, I just – this is getting dangerously close to me, lecturing people or trying to tell people how to live. I don't know if a 7,000-calorie drink is a great start to the day. I mean that's just me. That's just let me put it this way. That's not how I would choose to kick my day off. Some of these drinks are in sane that they make. I mean, they're just a milkshake with energy drink in it and and and whipped cream and then candy on top of it just does not seem like the breakfast of champions to me. But again, that's just my preference.

Yeah, yeah. If I start throwing those stones, my glass house is going to come shattering around me. But I mean, that's definitely not for me either. I mean, nothing you said sounds good to me. But again, you know my tastes. We don't have to get into it. I literally now have a hot dog pillow in the other room.

Black coffee with Jim Beam in it. That's how Andes start their day.

I think I mentioned on this show, I think, yeah, I'll follow up. If I didn't mention on the show, I guess I have to relive this embarrassment. But maybe I was telling you before the show that I'm embarrassed because the other day I was drinking juice out of a little glass out of the cupboard here. And I realized it was a Jim Beam glass. And it just felt so trashy to me because I had, like, a couple of Jim Beam glasses that came with, like, if you bought a bottle of Jim Beam during the holidays, like, you get a free glass with it. And I was like, oh, man, I'm just like drinking orange juice. And I look down. I'm like, I'm drinking orange juice out of a Jim Beam glass at like 9 o'clock in the morning. And it just made me feel bad about a lot of things. And Genevieve said, yeah, but at least you're not somebody who's drinking Jim Beam out of a non-Jim Beam glass at 9 in the morning. I'm like, yeah, that would be worse.

You're not drinking Jim Beam out of an orange juice jug.

That's exactly what she said. That's a better way of putting it. She's like, at least you're not drinking Jim Beam out of an orange juice glass. And I'm like, ah, thanks. I'll take the.

Yeah, that's good.

I'll take it. Take the win

That's another thing too And again we're all Everybody gets to live their life however they want But there was definitely a point in my younger life Where all of the Well not all of But all of the dishes and cups And things in my house were either stuff I had basically stolen from my parents house Or had received In a promotional event Probably from the radio station You know every pint glass Said like you know Cosmo

on it or something or what do you remember that i think we've talked about that before that was crazy there was bananas what sorry thank you i'm just teasing i'm not actually i'm not trying to i'm honestly not trying to police you i just was kidding um well i was just going to say what's kind of wild is this thing i think it was called cosmo and it was a it was a business uh attempt in seattle where you could go on the website cosmo.com and you could say oh i want to get a dvd from this store and i want to get some orange juice uh and then i want you to dump out the orange juice i want you to pour jim beam into it and i want you to bring that like it was basically what we now use all the time in terms of delivery services but it was people on bicycles and it was a total failure but i don't really understand it must have just been that phones i mean there were no smartphones that must be the big difference because i was about to say what a silly business idea cosmo.com but and i believe it might have been spelled with a k or something but of course it's a great business model and it's happening all the time in major cities i think it just was we didn't have phones back then where we could order things and then the person riding the bike couldn't look at the phone for directions i had to get to our house

etc etc yeah aren't there several examples of things that you know people were companies were kind of starting up and sticking their necks out but they were a little bit too early for the big show because we didn't have all the technology like kind of baked into our lives as much like um i know i use this example a lot and people always correct me that i'm getting something wrong about it so you know i guess there's your caveat but like web tv wasn't that an idea of like kind of integrating your television and your computer and like you'd be able to like I do remember my friend Tony had a Web TV email address to a very late joke for me about if I'm trying to come up like make a joke about an antiquated email address.

I will sometimes say at Web TV.

Yeah, yeah. And it's like I know that it's not a perfect analogy to the way we're getting our streaming entertainment now. But it was something along those lines of kind of integrating the idea of the computer and the television, which is all we're doing now. Right. Like as far as the media we're consuming. Is it a TV show? Is it something that's streaming only? It doesn't really matter. And there's a bunch of those. I feel like there was a precursor to Chewy, right? Wasn't there an online pet service, pet store?

Pets.com.

Yeah.

Remember, they had that dog puppet was their mascot, right?

And didn't they kind of bite the dust because, again, the infrastructure just wasn't there in our lives yet, and now you have Chewy and all these other things?

Yeah. Cosmo.com was a venture capital funded online company that promised free one hour delivery of video games, DVDs, music, magazines, books, foods, basics, and more. It was founded in 1998 and was out of business by 2001. You know what's interesting there?

Because when you were describing it before you were reading it, you also started with like you could get DVDs or food. Why is this company emphasizing the entertainment aspects as opposed to the grocery aspects? Was it like you couldn't get any food? It was just like, it was just aimed towards like kind of stoner gamers or something. So if you wanted a bag of Funyuns along with your DVD.

My guess would be that DVDs are pretty light and pretty easy to put on the back of your bike. I guess you could have also delivered, I don't know if it said you had to be on a bike. Yeah, it said you could be, oh, by the way, it was also one hour delivery. That was their big thing. So you could do bicycle, car, truck, or public transportation. There was no delivery fee. I mean, they were not dumb because they were basically just, again, the technology wasn't there yet, but they were doing what all these companies do now, which is super low delivery cost. But then they can drive down the cost of the actual product or take a cut of what the seller is getting. But, yeah, my guess would be that elaborate grocery, I mean, just remember, no smartphones. So sending somebody to the store to pick up your Jim Beam, but then they're out of your Jim Beam. And, like, how does that person even call you? They're wandering the store They're all supposed to be at your house in an hour Probably things like DVDs and magazines Were just more easily gotten And then biked over to your house I remember Steve Scher Our friend Steve Scher Was a big fan of Cosmo.com In fact he had a dog named Cosmo I don't think named for the website But probably somewhere in the back of his brain That's where that came from

Wow that would be product loyalty right there I wonder if he's part of the Dutch Mafia

Alright let's take a quick break And then when we come back I do want to talk about cicadas that are high on not just psychedelic fungus, but also apparently methamphetamines in certain cases. This is a crazy story, which we'll tell you about coming up in a moment here on TVTL.

On your mark. On your mark. Get set. Get set. Now ready.

All right, let's thank some dazzling donors. These are the wonderful, generous folks who are making the show possible, presumably during last year's TBTL-a-thon. It was one year ago, Andrew, on a week just like this, that we were reminding everyone that we need donations to be able to do the show. And these folks, well, they answered the call, as it were, and they are donating a dazzling amount of dough, and we want to thank them. Of course, we are talking about Brett and Amy Hanson of the University District of Seattle, Washington. Have you ever bumped into Brett and or Amy Hanson out there? Because you're not far from the University District.

One time, I was going to get a haircut, but I was out of my usual rhythm. For some reason, there were no Rudys available, and I needed a haircut. And do I have this right? Yeah. And I decided I was going to take a flyer on some other U District barbershop that I'd never been in before. And so I go in there, and then I tweet about it. And then Brett replies, I thought that was you I saw. I go to that barbershop all the time. They're great. And also, yeah, I just passed you on the street. I think that's how it went. I'm probably messing up some of those details. But, yes, Brett and I have been like ships passing in the barbershop.

Well, Brett and Amy have been like a ship passing us some money, and we are very appreciative of it. The message from Brett says, hey, gang, thank you for another year of excellent daily content for our ears, my wife, and TBTL progenitor. Thank you, Brett. Amy and I felt fortunate that we were able to go dazzling this year for the first time while we hunkered down with Rockwell. He of the murder, she wrote piano playing. Ah, okay, this is all coming back to me now Also, Amy, thank you for Turning Brett on to the show We appreciate that And his brother, Mac I am not a creative person So I've spent the year soaking up our friends' projects Molly demonstrates how to whip up Non-alcoholic cocktails Over at Instagram.com Slash Molly makes drinks You can go check that out Molly makes drinks on Instagram Instagram.com slash Molly Makes Drinks. Neptune Dan. Yes, that one. What? Is this from Neptune Coffee back in the day? Yes. Nice. Our friend Dan from Neptune Coffee. I haven't heard that name in forever. He works for Dutch Brothers now. Neptune Dan. Yes, that one. Makes thick trading card art over at Instagram.com slash Third Dan Art. Wow. Small world, by the way. Yeah. And the legendary Seattle sketch comedy group, The Habit, kept me laughing with their pod cart, thehabitcomedy.com slash podcast. After, Brett mentions, after I had already completed laughing at a great amount of that day's TV tale, of course. Yeah, obviously. You don't have to tell us. We know that. But The Habit helps to tell us, though. I feel like I knew some of the people in The Habit at one time, although maybe the cast has turned over. I feel like it was... Are you thinking of Sister Act 2, Back in the Habit? Oh, yeah, that's actually exactly what I'm thinking of. I used to know Whoopi Goldberg. Uh-huh, right. Ego. So that's probably... Yeah, right. Anyway, Brett continues, Amy's only request is that you go out with the Bird and the Bees version of Rich Girl.

Yep, I found it. But no, we can't. I'm sorry, Amy. We really appreciate all you've done for the show.

One request per family unit. And Rockwell already submitted a couple of requests That we honored during a previous message

Rockwell wants to hear words by doves So, no I got it right here, Rich Girl, I didn't know they did this cover I'm actually very excited, now something to look forward to

Signed, your U-District 10s Brett and Amy TBTL is the best DJ Khaled voice TBTL the best Maestro

I'm trying a new thing Saddest little air horn invitation that anybody's ever done.

That really was a pretty low-key air horn. Pew, pew. By the way, that would also be a decent Andrew Stripper name. Low-key air horn. Say maestro again. Maestro.

On your mark. On your mark. Get set. Get set. Now ready. Ready. Go.

Everybody rattle, dattle.

We would also like to thank dazzling donor Trisha Parker. Trisha. Who's in Lincoln, Nebraska? I hear that. Beautiful Lincoln.

Have you gone through there? I have not, but I heard it's a great town.

Yeah, I have been through there, and it's really great. Yeah, there's a lot to love about the great state of Nebraska.

Tricia, including the fact that listener Tricia lives there. Tricia says, my message is only this. Treasure every minute you can with those you love. I know life is insanely busy and there's always something more to do, but you never know what will happen on a given day to completely change your world. Also, thanks to you and Andrew for providing a safe little nest where we can rest when the world feels kind of unsafe and insane. That is a very, very good thing to remember. I wonder if that's something that's generated from events in Trisha's real life, that that's on her mind, but it's a great reminder to all of us. I like to treasure my time with the ones I love by climbing into a 1993 Mitsubishi Delica van and smelling their Landyager for 1,300 miles.

That's right. Trisha, I read your note. I wanted to give you a virtual hug. I don't know. It seems like you're referencing something specific here. so I hope you are doing okay and that is a good reminder for all of us thanks for sharing that and also just to be clear Tricia wrote thank you to Andrew and Luke for providing a safe little nest not to you and Andrew I don't know why you decided to subtly big dog me like that but not only did she mention both of our names she put me first so most importantly I wanted to get that out there you understand why this trip is off

forget it find someone else to drive phoenix with hello and welcome to top story how's this for a headline fungus full of psychedelic drugs could cause indiana brood x cicadas butts to fall i'm interested um uh this month as billions this is an article uh by john webb at the evansville courier and press um which i think I think was then picked up by the South Bend Tribune. I am going to go with South Bend, Indiana. I want to give John some credit because I wouldn't imagine working at the Evansville Courier Press is a job that always gets maybe the notoriety that it probably should. So this is a really, really good piece. This particular brood of cicadas that are in the sort of Indiana area, that part of the country, they're called Brood X. And there are billions of them that are going to emerge from the dirt. for the first time in 17 years and as john writes some of these bugs will suffer a horrific science fiction like fate there's no way to do this there's no delicate way to do this so here's the gist all at once a fungus laced with the same chemical as psychedelic mushrooms will invade their bodies and eat away their insides until their abdomens crack fall off and get replaced with a ball of white spores because they're either bombed on psilocybin or under control of the fungus in some way the cicadas won't even notice andrew with missing butts and full hearts they'll forge ahead with their only reason for existing finding a mate and reproducing god this almost describes exactly the tbt elephant 12 is that what we're doing missing butts and full hearts you and i will set out in the van to find mates i mean it is true genevieve has pointed out

to me many times i basically do not have a butt so there's a chance that this happened to me at some point i didn't know that i might i don't have you know you got a dump truck of an ass we got there i just i was really feeling insecure and i needed to go fishing for a compliment thank

you yeah you're thick with two c's buddy so basically what happens is the cicadas butts fall off but they don't even notice and then they go and attempt to mate and the this is what's crazy about some of these like things like a fungus i mean i don't know if intelligence is the right way to describe it and we think about a lot this a lot with like covid these viruses or other things they're sort of what they've evolved in order to survive it's just so fascinating sometimes um because this is basically a cicada std and the cicadas will rub up against other cicadas and and spread this but what's crazy is so this is the way that cicadas usually mate usually males croon a loud song to attract a mate which is what that buzzing is if you live somewhere where cicadas emerge that's what you're hearing if a female catches the song she likes she responds by flicking her wings but with this fungus which is by the way called massospora With the massospora just having them trip balls, Andrew, it causes males to both sing and flick their wings, allowing them to attract any partner they can. That larger playing field helps the spores spread farther and wider. It basically just makes them fluid. They're just, they're dancing, they're swinging their arms, they're singing.

And they're just, they're pansexual. They're up for whatevs. This is the reality that liberal cicadas want. I mean, this is amazing. Everybody, I mean, once you, I mean, this is like such a story about drugs. What happens when you introduce drugs and then everybody's just free and wild? It's actually sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Because if you consider the noise they make rock and roll, which I am just for this instance, these bugs are kind of rock and roll heroes.

Yeah. And, I mean, honestly, as long as it doesn't hurt them, it seems like a decent way to go. Sure. They don't have very long, you know, lifespans anyway. Right. Exactly. You come out. I mean, think about it. You're in the ground for 17 years. And then you finally come out. And then you were just high as a kite on mushrooms. Yeah. Just at basically a cicada orgy. Yeah. A key party. Just, you know, with whoever. I mean, that does sound like a pretty fun bacchanal. If you're going to have, I don't know how long they live, if it's like two weeks. But it sounds like a decent end to the whole run for these cicadas There was also this crazy article in 2018 in The Atlantic by Ed Young Who talked about researchers at West Virginia who were studying a gaggle of infected cicadas in 2016 When they discovered some of them were full of this psilocybin from the fungus Others were loaded with amphetamines

Whoa, where are they getting all these drugs? I need to start, when I need drugs, I'm going to start tapping the shoulders of cicadas

That does not appear It doesn't explain in this article Where the amphetamines came from The fungus makes sense because you know That's a thing A naturally occurring thing My understanding of amphetamine was like That's a thing you make when you like Do some crazy process to like cold medicine Or something or whatever it is they did on Breaking Bad And I'm looking in this article And I have not seen it How meth or amphetamine got into these bugs Somebody knows a guy Like I think they're just kind of like Yeah my cousin Trevor like He can hook you up what do you want This article goes on Are there enough hallucinogens in these Things to get a human high Despite how objectionable it may sound to Some eating cicadas is definitely a thing High end restaurants in Washington D.C. Incorporate the insects into their menus As a seasonal treat One of the restaurants even Refers to them as tree shrimp A scientist Talked to for this article a guest that devouring a large number of infected bugs could have some kind of mind-altering effect, but keep in mind people bold enough to snack on cicadas usually do so right after the bugs molt their exoskeletons, which is long before Massospora takes control of their bodies. So, you know, to our listeners in Indiana, if you... Oh, the other thing, too, that's kind of funny is when they are, like, when the fungus has kind of turned their body into this sort of zombified version of itself or whatever, they are flying around and, like, bits of the fungus are just falling off, like on people potentially. And one of the scientists calls them flying salt shakers of death.

Sounds like an album you would hate.

Is that a Frank Zappa album? Where do you come down on Frank Zappa?

You know, people who seem to, a lot of people in my life who seem to be really into music and understand music, like, in ways that seem to beyond me were really into zappa so i always felt like maybe i was missing something but now at age 44 um i have heard very little zappa that which i have heard is not for me and that's fine i don't know if i'm not smart enough for it as i once thought or if people just have different musical taste have ever told you that cicadas actually play a pretty big kind of a prominent role in my development as a radio producer have ever told you that before it's a true story probably

but I have definitely forgotten it.

I am going to scramble for some details here. I told you that I worked on this folk show when I was a student employee at WKSU in Kent, Ohio, right? Us student employees had various gigs there going out to record things, working in the newsroom, staying up until midnight at the board to kind of facilitate and play CDs for pre-recorded classical music shows. but then on the weekends a group of maybe four or five of us students sometimes calling the program director to tell them they're playing the wrong show exactly well i waited until i was truly a professional in new hampshire for that um but uh anyway one of the kind of fun gigs that kind of we were you used the word gaggle before we were kind of a gaggle of student producers who had a lot of fun working on this guy jim bloom's folk show which i wasn't really into folk music i think i've mentioned this to you before but it was a really fun radio experience jim was kind of a high energy kind of crazy guy he gave us all nicknames i hated mine he called me can do andrew didn't like it always tried to change it um other people had better actually that's not true we all had terrible nicknames he was so bad at coming up with nicknames but he was dedicated to it um

And we had a lot of fun.

Sartre is smarter, but Andrew can do-do.

Anyway, so we ran the board for him and did all kinds of stuff for him. But he also had a nature series, a radio nature series of like, I don't know, anywhere between four and ten minute features that would air on the radio station called Beyond the Backyard with Jim Bloom. And one of the first assignments, he was friends with some naturalist. I can't remember the naturalist's name. and beyond the backyard was Jim Bloom going out with this naturalist to do various stories on different aspects of nature that were happening right there in northeast Ohio. And when the 17-year cicada reared its head, I guess this was last time I was in college, and they wanted to do a piece on it, and this was going to be an epic piece. These were like kind of quasi-scripted, but then also you'd, I think parts of them were scripted, but then also you would go out into, you know, into the wild with these guys, And as a producer, we'd record them and mix it all together. I will be honest with you. I mean, corny as hell. Like, even if I could find this piece for you, which I think I do have it on a CD and a cassette somewhere because I used to put it on my sizzle reels or whatever you call those things that you send to radio stations when you want to get hired as a producer. But one of my – I'd worked on a couple of these, but then they sent me out to do the Cicada one, which was like an epic one. It was like 10 minutes long. It had all kinds of script and recording and ambient sound. and probably, I'm going to guess, canned sound effects, too. And this is kind of in the earlier days of digital producing, and everybody was learning it, the adults and the students. And I just went into a studio for several days, came out with a long beard, and said, here, I've mixed this thing. And everybody was very impressed with it. I don't know what it was, but I think it was the intricate mix and the multi-layered mix, and everybody was just like, wow, you did this? and that really put some wind in my sails. And then I said, someday I'll work on a podcast and I'll make a parody of the intro to Serial.

Well, you already knew that because the cootie catcher had told you.

Exactly. Anyway, I don't know if that story was interesting, especially without the sound to back it up. But honestly, I'm glad I don't have the sound to back it up because if I were to play it for you, I'm sure it would just be embarrassing. But I think about that all the time. I bet you wouldn't be. It was a real corny product that we were working on. It was just ridiculous.

Well, I bet you it's better than you think or imagine or remember it to be. And also that just reminds – I know another day, another reference to this John Green podcast that I have been – well, I basically finished. Oh, the other thing I was very sad about last night is I guess I watched the whole first season of Mayor of Easttown. I didn't realize it. Oh, that's not a good sign. I mean like it's not so much a cliffhanger as an amazingly big dramatic plot point in the show. and then that episode was over and then i was like okay time to go to bed and then tomorrow i'll watch the next four episodes and it's like no i think i watched season one

so okay i'm about to watch this for the third damn time i won't play the whole thing but i first you've been talking about mayor of east town and genevieve has been watching it i didn't even realize that she was into it um yesterday on slack listener david posted this the snl parody

of it it's called murder dirter have you heard this yet i was talking yesterday so when you and i got done talking then it was time for me to talk to my livewire colleagues and it's a zoom call with like eight people and i said anybody watching mayor of east town and everybody was like yes have you seen murder dirter on snl and i said no i'll have to watch that and then i promptly forgot to watch it would you like to take a listen now i would love to the whole thing is

three minutes i think i think most of these jokes especially with the way you've set up what uh what the show is all about on yesterday's episode um i think most of these will work without the

visuals take a listen to this town somewhere between new york and dc county sent me to oversee this investigation comes another story of a grizzled lady detective you call me care everybody else does jogger found the body over there what do we know so far i don't know we

know all i know is what we don't know with a very specific accent i don't know i know her It's Owen's dirter. Dirter? Did I stir? The dirter's been murdered.

This is Kate McKinnon, of course. I should have said that.

You've seen dead teens in New York, Chicago, and Boston. But what about another city with very specific whites? Pennsylvania whites.

Would you guys quit eating Wawa Hokies over the body, please?

From the makers of Mare of Easttown and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Wait, can you pause it?

Yeah. It's like, basically, I swear to God, I haven't seen this sketch, but this was exactly what I said yesterday. Yeah, that sandwich thing was just, I wouldn't have gotten that, except you said specifically, this is a show about.

accents and sandwiches in local cuisine basically yeah like so obviously that wasn't a very original

thought by me but i want to make sure people know i didn't like watch this and then and then try to recycle it for my comedy like this is this is really funny this is obviously a much more fully realized version of what i was saying but this is great can you keep playing yeah and kate mckinnon

is just i mean every time she's on the damn screen you're just like genius um yeah and this is the part that got stuck in my head i was going around the house saying murder dirter all day after hearing this part.

They know the foods and the towns

Starring an actress with a messy ponytail

That says forget I'm actually British

Monday night How did she get home? I told you She got home on her own Show me your family Fine I didn't murder no one's third I got no idea she ended up in the wood

The New York Times says, so authentically Pennsylvania, I'm assuming. Absolutely everyone was related to each other.

Look here. I knew why you were a cop. Because your pop was a cop. And your pop-pop was a cop. And your pop-pop's pop-pop was the original Philly fanatic. But it's not your fuller son, Drandon, the Schuylkill on purpose. Oh my god, a Schuylkill reference.

What's Schuylkill? That's a river. The Schuylkill River. That my mom always talks about that was, you know, in the area.

The part where it goes on from here gets a little visual and goes off the rails a little bit. Oh, that's great.

But it's really good, isn't it? Oh, my God. That's like that sketch was written for me, just like I said it yesterday. But there's a certain kind of person to me who's obsessed with all things Pennsylvania because of me having a bit of a connection, not a super strong one. So that really that's hilarious. Now, I'm not going to play this because I don't – I think it is – it's kind of subtle and more visual. But did you watch – did you end up watching The Last Dance, the Michael Jordan doc? No, I didn't.

I started it and I was just like – and I think I told you like – You mean, no, I didn't. No. I wondered, did that come out? Is this murder-derder getting in my head? Did you murder my dirter? My dirter had a dirter and they murdered her. No, you know, I started it and I just couldn't get out of my head that Michael Jordan was just in control of this entire documentary I would turn on the radio and I'd hear all these guys, always guys, talk about how it was just the most amazing documentary ever And how it gave you such insight But then I started listening to it and I was like, this is a love letter to himself, it seemed like to me So I couldn't get into it after watching like maybe 15 minutes I also keep in mind, not a basketball kid Like, I didn't grow up like, you know, like almost everybody else of that age. I didn't grow up idolizing him.

Yeah. My take on it when it was all said and done was Michael Jordan's kind of a monster, which I'm sure I said back when that thing was happening and we were all talking about it. I'm sure I said that on the show. But there was a scene of Michael Jordan, like before a game, playing like a game of quarters, like a sort of thing where you throw a quarter against a wall and whichever one, you know, whoever can get closer to the wall wins. And the scene was he was basically betting against this kind of very unique looking guy that worked for the Bulls. Like I think he was like, I don't know what his job was. He was like in security or something, right? He's, like, a guy with, like, very kind of frizzy blonde hair and this mustache. And he was just kind of a character, just an odd-looking dude. But the SNL sketch that they did about this is so genius. It's, I guess, Keegan-Michael Key hosted, the guy from Key & Peele. And so he's playing Jordan in this, and it's basically an outtake from The Last Dance. But it's just, again, this isn't going to be funny if you haven't seen it. But the bit is Keegan-Michael Key is Jordan, and he's playing quarters against this very sweet security dude, and he just is dominating the guy. He won't let the guy out of the bet. He wins the guy's pants. He wins the guy's gun. And what sells it is the performance by a performer named Heidi Gardner, who's a cast member of SNL. She's playing the dude. By the way, that's a whole thing. I don't know really when that started But I know Kate McKinnon does it a lot A.D. Bryant played I think she played She played Bruce Arians and Andy Reid in a sketch pre-Super Bowl. She played both Super Bowl coaches. I love the female cast members playing dudes. It just adds a layer of comedy to it that just makes it immediately funny to me.

And it's interesting that we didn't – well, I guess it's not surprising we didn't see it earlier because, I mean, comedy was dominated by men for so long. But, like, there is a history of that gender bending in sketch comedy. You know, I loved the kids in the hall. And they just, when they needed a woman character, they just donned a dress and a wig, you know. And I think Monty Python, same, I think, maybe. Yeah.

But what's funny is I don't actually, the Mrs. Doubtfire schtick, I'm not trying to say anything about kids in the hall. Actually, kids in the hall did it pretty well because I don't think, my memory of it is kids in the hall weren't playing, like, get a load of me, a guy. Exactly. Dressed like a lady. It's just. They just played it. This is just – they played it straight.

Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry to cut you off. But, yeah, that's exactly right. They just did the characters, yeah. Right.

But a lot of times it's sort of – obviously it's played for, like – there's that amazing moment on 30 Rock where Twofer is telling Tracy Jordan that it's essentially a version of blackface for a black man to appear in drag. Oh, okay. And he's explaining, like, this would have never happened on Black Frasier. They cut to an actual scene from Black Frasier, which is so great. And then whoever it is in the room says, Black Frasier, I never heard of that. And Tracy goes, it was huge on BET. But anyway, first of all, Black Frasier, I would watch Black Frasier. It's so great. Just like the five second clip was amazing. But anyway, on the subject of, I guess, just the gender bending in comedy. Now, whereas sometimes men dressing as women, I'll put that all in quotes because I don't there's so many layers to everything now. You know what I mean? So I'm going with the idea of the people that we think of as presenting male dressing like the people we think of who present female. OK, that is sort of hit and miss for me. A woman, a person who identifies as female playing a frizzy haired dude who's losing bets to Michael Jordan. Never going to not be funny to me for some reason. Or like Kate McKinnon playing Jeff Sessions. Never not funny to me. I just there's just something great about it. Anyway, this sketch is if you saw The Last Dance, I would recommend this sketch because it's and also, I mean, it's not only is it really funny, but it's actually a statement on Michael Jordan. I think even though Michael Jordan tightly controlled his image with that doc, as you pointed out, I think he actually still did himself some damage because I don't think he understands how much of a jerk he came off as, you know, because you had all these players that played with him. just talking about how brutal he was to them and how much he was just a bully just and and and I think because he's so competitive and because he's so like like thinks that you know he's this that's the mind of a champion or whatever he couldn't see that he really came off as being very overbearing and unlikable like it really kind of ruined my my my estimation of Michael Jordan and you don't

want to play that skit because you said it's kind of too visual right well you're describing by the way somehow that has seeped i don't think i saw the snl parody of it but i might have seen a different parody of it or somebody maybe just i don't know are people just using that original clip to make a point on twitter now is it like almost like a trope or a meme because i i know that scene that you're talking about but i don't know why i don't think i don't think it'll work

because so much if it turns on heidi gardner let's play a couple seconds of it and see if

it if it's kind of working oh how about i take that from you oh i win so now jordan's getting mad because security guy won well he won you know i was happy for him but uh he did that little shrug

and i took that personally which by the way is a thing that comes up a lot in that documentary would be like somebody would just like make a basket and michael jordan would take it as like the greatest personal insult and then he would just have to ruin them because they like high fived their teammate with excitement because they had made a basket or something isn't there

something about the seeing the supersonics coach in a restaurant for a playoff game or that's

probably part of where my anger comes from because yeah he thought george carl like negged him in a restaurant in seattle before the finals or before a game in the finals and so then he made it his goal to punish the sonics the next day extra bad because george carl like Not said hi to him In like Ruth's Chris Or some shit

Or used like the salad fork Instead of the dinner fork

I think I got another Five spot on me

A thousand dollars this time

Come on man I don't care that kind of What the kids call cheese I'll spot you I'll spot you Oh no That's

financially rough for me wife's not gonna like that see with michael he had to win so now this

is dennis rodman being played by chris redd which is another great part of the sketches is a chance for them to just do like a bunch of impressions of the people in the thing made him great i mean he's about to play for an nba title this is uh beck bennett i think uh oh actually sorry this is another cast member whose name always eludes me but he's playing phil jackson he's Taking a little locker room game just as seriously. Just an amazing competitor. I think it's Alex Moffat, by the way, is the name of that guy.

How much money do you owe me now? $9,000. Oh, that's nothing, man. You can make that in a day. I can't. You can't. Uh-oh. There he is.

The enemy.

Charles Barkley shows up, played by Kenan Thompson.

Brian, Charles Barkley. What's up, MJ? How y'all doing? Oh, what y'all playing? Quarters against the world? Yep. Man, I love that game. Let me play. What'd you say, about $5,000 on the throw? Okay, well, you two have fun. No, no, no, John, stay. Come on, man. Fellas, I don't make that kind of money.

Bet your pants, then. Bet your pants, then, Charles Barkley says.

Great if I lose my pants, but... Well, it's the dream team. There we go. Ooh, look at these pleats. That's a sharp pleat. All right, come on. They wouldn't even fit you, man. Come on, let me win them back.

Let's go. He's got no pants on. At some point, they take his gun, Jordan bets him his gun, and then, like, anyway, it's a very funny sketch, which I would recommend to everyone. And maybe SNL's having a moment. I feel like, I don't know if it's happened as much this year, but it seems like every year there's a whole round of sort of hand-wringing or whatever you want to call it, or think pieces about how SNL sucks now. And I don't know what the estimation of this cast is. Also I just The way that I consume Saturday Night Live Has totally changed you know I think probably For most of us like it's just a thing That generates Probably two sketches that I will Watch in a week because it will have Bubbled up through the internet to me right Like I would never on Saturday night Sit there at 1130 and turn on SNL but it Still definitely makes an impression on me But I just I experience it so much differently Let me just say this really quickly Andrew to bring It back to the John Green thing when you were talking about mixing your cicada piece john green was talking about uh and i mentioned this on the show the other day that he uh and this actually gets to the next story about typing uh which you don't have to spend too much time on just basically they have some pretty insane sounding excuse me they have some pretty wild sounding software um but uh john green was talking about typing and how typing was the first thing he was actually good at like he was a fast typist and how that just sort of like really led him in the direction of his whole life and it had me thinking about when you're young and we could talk about being a kid or even being in your 20s like you were it's so powerful the first time or one of the first times where you do something and people are like hey you're good at this and it really can just pushes your life in a direction right because it's so nice to feel good at something and like I wonder if you know if you hadn't gotten that feedback of that cicada piece if you would still be in radio yeah and I enjoy

doing it. In fact, I was looking it up now and I found Beyond the Backyard on American Archive.org. I thought it was I thought that was like the more open one, Archive.org but this is American Archive.org Listen to this. Please note, this content only available at GBH I don't know what GBH is. That's not WGBH but at GBH in the Library of Congress this record is featured in Peabody Awards Collection. So therefore Luke, I consider myself to be in the Library of Congress under the Peabody Awards collection. Let's see if my name is in here anywhere. I am going to order you a Peabody. Yeah, well, it was a morning Peabody. No, daytime. Daytime Emmy, not morning Emmy. What the? That would have been such a good joke. All right, three, two, one. I'm going to get you a Peabody, Andrew. Well, a daytime Peabody. I'm literally deflated. That would have been such a good joke.

What I was the pause of my voice was not just because somebody I thought was my good friend was making fun of me, but because I was I'm obsessed with what the GBH is. And the Peabody, that's that's an award that comes out of Georgia. And I'm wondering if the GBH is Georgia broadcasting something. Oh, oh, possible.

Well, that seems weird, though, because this is, you know, yeah, Ohio. I don't know.

Well, but the Peabody, the Peabody comes from Georgia.

Yeah, but they're kind of in different places in the website. Yeah, I kind of said those in the same breath. Beyond the Backyard is a weekly series of short feature pieces that are generally broadcast during the weekend folk music programming. I don't have to read all that It's no more interesting than me babbling about it before But anyway

I find it interesting Andrew that you were part So did that show win a Peabody?

Maybe like I mean are there local Peabody's? No they're not There really are

If you worked on a show

I mean can we rule out Geauga Park District Wait that's not H though I've been to Geauga That can't be right that's GPD Sorry i've been to geaga though oh have you yeah i went to a surprise wedding in geaga oh that was in

geaga county oh interesting yeah this is a lovely little slice of ohio anyway here i go once again

with the email every week i hope that it's from a female oh man it's not from a female

i really didn't get into the typing story but the gist of it is they now have developed some systems particularly for people who are paralyzed or have difficulty physically typing where they can type somebody typed 90 words per minute using their mind so yeah i think morgan sent that into

us by the way a fascinating piece about that thank you morgan they're working on that yeah um hey

should we know um oh we probably should you know i feel like the typing i kind of need to type Sometimes to organize My thoughts if that makes sense Like it's sort of like People because I've been Threatening and Promising and Whatevering that I'm going to write a book someday And I never do it and People will say well you should just dictate It like you should just talk it out And then well I'm like well first of all I've been Talking it out for 3426 Episodes so if somebody wants to just go ahead And type this all up and make it into a book I'd you know I'll split the profits with you but I also think like there's something about typing the physical act that helps me organize my thoughts. And I don't know if just taught, you know, I don't know if I actually want to get to the point where I can just use my brain to type.

Yes. I had the same exact thought yesterday. It was interesting the way that they, they told this, this patient who doesn't have the ability to type with his hands. They, you know, they somehow tap into a certain part of his brain and then they tell him, imagine you're holding a pen in your hand. and, you know, spell out each letter of the alphabet. And this article actually even has a GIF or a GIF of what that final product looked like. I thought that was a very fascinating part of this. I think you could get up to 90 characters per minute. Yeah, I said words, but that would be like 90 words a minute would be insane. But the thing that I've been thinking about this again, and to go back to my broken finger here for a second, And typing just kind of sucks now. I mean, it's not as bad as it could be. It's just my two fingers on my left hand. But, like, all kinds of, like, caps lock or, like, kind of shift and hitting a letter or cutting and pasting, all these, like, shortcuts that I always use my pinky for a million times without thinking about. Like, I can't really do that right now with these immovable fingers and this rig on my ring finger. And I have to write newsletters, right? And I've been mostly kind of keeping the newsletters very short recently and doing a lot more like kind of photoshopping of things in there because that's easier to do. And this week's newsletter, I actually have to write about the, you know, actually have to do some real writing about it, about the TBTL-a-thon. And yesterday I thought, well, maybe if I turn on like a voice-to-speech function. But this is going back to what you were saying, Luke. It's not the same. Like the process of writing for me is not me. It's writing. It's not speaking out loud. You know, I do it for text messages quite a bit. If I'm driving or if I don't feel like typing it out, I will talk to my phone. But a text message is very different. And the idea of just saying, I don't even know how to begin. Like, hey, friendos, welcome to the TBTL newsletter. Okay, that part's easy. But then it's like, well, I don't know. I would just – it's not the – typing is writing to me. And it would take a long time for me to train my brain to apply the same skills or have the same tone.

Exactly. Well put, my friend.

That's just absolute stupidity.

That's not me saying that what you just said was absolute stupidity. That's just Hawk Harrelson on the tape. I mean, if it happens to apply to anything we said, I can't be responsible for that. That's just how we start the drops of stupider.

It didn't really hurt until you said something. It didn't even occur to me to take that as a slight, but now I need to carry that around with me the rest of the day. No. All right, real quick on the drops of Stupider, round three, matchup number two. We're getting down to it, people. We have, still surviving in the contest, the Chris Hayes scatting scandal. Whoa.

A fan favorite, beating out appearances by your mom, Susie Burbank, with 62% of the vote. No offense, Susie.

Chris is really the Michael Jordan of this contest.

Yes, some offense, Susie.

Why do you have to just absolutely dash my mother's hopes of being a TBTL celeb? By the way, I think of that Chris Hayes scatting thing really as the Luke Burbank nose snort tape. because you can hear me right when he's playing the scatting that he thought was him but was, in fact, K-Strauss. That snort from me is, I think, maybe more interesting than the scatting.

That might be me.

Oh, wow, you're going to steal credit for that too? No, but it is because remember we went on that whole thing. A listener said, hey, stop snorting into the microphone, and I didn't know what they were talking about, and it turns out it's that exact laugh, and it became a whole thing.

You know what's insane, Andrew? That's K-Strauss snorting. because you laugh in the back oh yeah then i'm laughing different yeah so nobody complains about

my laugh my laugh is music it's like love my laugh it's like a rock and roll my friend literally laugh your ass off okay so what is chris hayes going up against okay our friend

and ex-con drew mcfriz she emptied the top drawer and she put the cash on the counter and i felt through it all put it in the bag and then i walked out i walked around the corner to my van and i i

drove off nobody saw me that is our bank robin buddy wow formerly formerly of course what did what did drew beat well i feel comfortable saying this because she will never hear it but it's time to say goodbye to mary the tbtl virgin in this particular contest i'm sorry mary

And, you know, and next week, her status, I guess. Again, if she emerges, like a cicada, if she emerges from her condo and listens to the program, then she will no longer be the TBTL virgin. Yeah. Although, you know, I grew up in a Christian tradition where even if you slipped up, you could be like a second, you know, you could, I forget what the term, renewed virgin or something. Right, right, right. You know, there was a way that you could recommit yourself to your chastity, even if you'd, you know, slipped up once or twice.

Yeah. So anyway, there you have it. If you want to vote and I encourage you to vote in the Drops of Stupider contest, go to tbtl.net and click on today's show page. Under the show description, you will see some links to some polls. Click on those babies, baby.

Now, if somebody is waiting in line to vote in the Drops of Stupider, legally, can you give them water? You can only give them Dutch Brothers unicorn Brain exploding soda Hey by the way oh boy They're going to like you just gave them an idea Buddy that's like that is Exactly the unicorn brain exploding Whatever that is Emoji Giant emoji that is That's Dutch Brothers coffee Just in like that's the Graphic representation of what's going on with Dutch Brothers coffee I was going to say though So, you know, when we started the Drops of Stupider, there was like a week, you know, that people could vote. But this is all kind of compressing now because we're going to announce the winner, the overall best moment in TBTL history next Friday, our last show of TBTL-a-thon 12. So I would just recommend that people vote early and vote often because, you know, like next week there's going to be quick turnaround time is what I'm trying to say. We'll like play something and then like a day or two later we'll be like giving the results. So if you want to make your voice heard In this very important contest Go to tbtl.net Participate in democracy

Here I go once again with the email Every week I hope that it's from a female No man It's not from a female

There's like a million Jokes that I want to make that aren't jokes They come from a place of anger about Vote suppression But I don't think anybody tunes into this show for that

I have a Voicemail I would like to play for you Luke Luke, this has been kicking around the voicemail line for quite some time. I find it delightful. It comes from Louise.

Hi, Luke and Andrew. This is Louisa calling from Vancouver, B.C.

Louisa, not Louise. My apologies.

I just wanted to say that discovering QVTL during this pandemic literally is probably the best thing about the pandemic, which isn't saying much. but um i really enjoyed listening to you both honestly i feel like you guys are like weirdly some of my best friends which is the creepiest thing to say on a voicemail but i know how you feel about your tens and i'm really uh happy to uh you know be part of the be part of the uh the little tbtl worldwide family anyways i finally found a reason good enough for me to call in.

the listener line there was a lady the other day that called in about answering machines and songs on them and how you could pay someone to make a little ditty on your answering machine and I was the person in the seventh grade who my friends would call me over when they had their own phone lines because it was like a thing to have your own phone line back in the 90s and I was the one that would create these really cool engine machines based on songs. So I'm going to sing two of them to you. One, it's fairly obvious who the artist is for this song. This was for my friend Sam's phone. It went to following. All I want to do is talk to you So leave a message and I'll get back to you. All I want to do is talk to you until the sun comes up on the Santa Monica Boulevard. Okay. Love it. Then, Cheryl Crow.

And I like the way it ends just with the regular lyrics. Like, at first it starts as a parody, but it's like, but we can't beat until the sun comes up on the Santa Monica Boulevard. So we've got to keep that. Highly relevant in Vancouver, B.C. I can't remember what this next song is. I think it might have been something I didn't recognize. I'll let Louisa take it from here.

I did for, and by the way, these two people are still my best friends to the day. For my friend Kara, based on a more obscure song, I don't know if you remember it, it was sort of a one hit called Shut Up and Sleep With Me. And it went like, shut up and sleep with me, come on and sleep with me. This is one of those weird techno songs that hit the airwaves. Anyway, this is what I did for her line. Shut up and talk to me Come on, uh-huh, and talk to me Shut up and talk to me Come on, uh-huh, and talk to me I like your body not so much I like your voice In fact, you're boring But that, of course, is not my choice Leave me a message so I can talk to you Because right now, I have more important stuff to do Shut up, shut up, shut up, and talk to me Alright, guys, that's it Power out

Everybody needs a friend like that That's great I wonder if Louisa just remembered All of those lyrics to this day Did she have to go ask her friend Or listen back to the message Or did she just remember it I feel like that's in her now That it's just on her brain I also love the cognitive dissonance Of shut up and talk to me That's unicorn Mind exploding right there That's Dutch Brothers all the way Can I read this email from Maria Alicia She says I am losing it laughing about the TBTL-a-thon announcement. Why? One, I just explained to my 11, and he does not understand why I think it is amazing and perfect. Two, I am the president of our HOA, and I am literally writing our updated rules and fines policy, which includes the following rules about noise. Owners, tenants, and guests shall exercise reasonable care to avoid making or permitting to be made loud, disturbing, or objectionable noises. playing or permitting to be used any instruments speakers tools or devices in such manners as may unreasonably disturb owners tenants etc fine amount one hundred dollars time frame for remediation two days uh maria alicia says so have some cash in your pocket and plan on paying off the hoa president sincerely maria alicia a black suburban working mom type chris 10 which i would imagine indicates Maria Alicia is a Christian so there you go Andrew I'll just bring a little walking around money to pay off the HOA folks in some of the various communities that will be popping in next week to do that I like that I think you should have a roll of cash like an actual roll and you like peel the bills off yeah you peel the bills off for the HOA pres that's that's the final stop I think the only HOA I'm pretty sure the only HOA we're dealing with is in Arizona and the final stop just to add more anxiety to that trip and to be honest if they hoa says you can't do the show and then we have to just put a rerun up i'm fine with that because that will be less embarrassing for me a rerun could you imagine after this whole thing everyone's listening along oh just a random show from like i don't know 2017 see if anybody notices it would really hurt my feelings if nobody did oh hey love to the fawn we're keeping we're still donating oh thanks um did anything about friday's show jump out of you no sounded great hey speaking of uh the fawn shows i think we have we we've sort of uh locked this in we are going to be doing the show live each day at 10 a.m. West Coast time. So whereas this obviously is kind of a moving target, we record it. It goes up on the internet when evs. These shows will be streaming, if all the technology works out, we'll be streaming each day live. We're going to start at 10. Andrew's going to hit play on the intro tape, and then we start the show.

So 10 a.m. West Coast, 1 p.m. East Coast. I think you probably at this point know how this works. And whatever it's doing in Central time, work it out. 10 a.m. East Coast. Each day, we will be doing the shows. I think we should always, at least for five years, make Mountain Time the standard. So that we just, everything, as a society, not as a podcast, it's like Mountain Time is standard, and then anything else you have to then explain. That would be good. Let's give Mountain Time a little love. It needs something, man. Although, but on the other hand, is Mountain Time being extra? Yeah. Just being kind of, well, I guess it's geographic, you know what I mean? It's like the sun is going to come up earlier on the East Coast, and it's going to come up earlier in the Midwest or in the mountain time than it will on the West Coast. So I guess they kind of got to do what they got to do. Yeah. I mean, and it's so funny because you would think of that part of the country as maybe being the least extra part of the country, the mountain states, you know? Yes. No, I think they're very non-extra, which I appreciate about them. Yeah. Did we have a song request from one of the Dazzlers today? Oh, we did. We certainly did. That I've already spaced? Rich Girl by The Bird in the Big. do you know them that band have you i do know i know the band yeah but i but i'm not like super yeah i know the band but i'm not like super super well into their catalog but um i'm assuming this is a cover of the um who is it uh not uh crofts who does rich girl oh uh hall and oats hall and oats you remember and the way to remember which one is hall and which one is oats is i'm trying to do this thing that jen used to do that was the most elaborate workaround to remember who was hall and who was oats like like the easy way to do it is hall is tall hall's the tall one and oats is the less tall one but jen had something like the number of letters in the name oats and what it like it was just very very overly complicated way to remember who was hall and who was say so hall and Oates, but you'd think that Hall would be tall, but actually say it backwards and that is La, and then when you say La La La, it's obviously Oates is the taller one. That's exactly... Because it's important to know which one is the taller one. Who were Seal and Crofts then? Or Seals and Crofts? Seals and Croft. I don't know. I'm sure that that's one of those bands that we've heard like ten of their songs, but I never know that it was them. What was their big hit? Summer breeze makes me feel fine. That's not bad. Thank you. And then something, something in my mind, right? Mm-hmm. All right. So we're going to go out with this Hall & Oates song. And we're going to remind you that we'll be back here tomorrow with more imaginary radio for you. So please do join us for that. Until then, have a great Wednesday. Stay safe. If you're a mariner, try to get a hit. And please remember, no mountain too tall. And good luck to all.

you're a rich girl and you've gone too far cause you know it don't matter anyway you can rely on the old man's money you can rely on the old man's money it's a bitch girl but it's gone too far cause you know it don't matter anyway they say money money won't get you too far get you too far But don't you know, don't you know, that it's wrong to take what has given you so far gone on your own. But you can get along if you try to be strong, but you'll never be strong. Oh, you're a rich girl and you've gone too far cause you know it don't matter anyway. you can rely on the old man's money you can rely on the old man's money it's a bitch girl and it's gone too far cause you know it don't matter anyway i say money but it won't get you too far get you too far high and dry out of the rain it's so easy To hurt others when you can't feel pain Don't you know that love can't grow Ooh, cause there's too much to give Cause you'd rather live for the thrill of it all

Oh, you're a rich girl

Power out!