Muse

Okay, so we are going to inject you with enough propofol to temporarily kill you, but then we'll bring you back with adrenaline so you don't have any...

Up, up, up, up, up, no spoilers, no spoilers. And one more thing, you're not going to sue us, are you? Oh no, litigation is for the middle class. Aspen, you're going to love dying, it's hilarious, it's like being John Malkovich, but you don't have to go to Jersey. TBTN!

Brother, who are you? What are you doing? I'm with the news, dude.

I had a dream that Janine Garofalo was running like an Ice Age apocalypse survival boot camp in my backyard for children.

We will not listen to your dreams. We are not saints.

I can get tickets to nonsense because I really want to see that before I die. They're nuns and they sing and there's a lot of improv.

You are a really good actor. Thank you, thank you. Well, you know, it's just living truthfully and imaginary circumstances and whatever. Enough about me. What's on your schedule?

Hello, good morning, and welcome, everyone, to a Wednesday edition of TBTL, the show that just might be too beautiful to live. It's an audiophile's nightmare. My name is Luke Burbank. I am your host. Hey, where's the freaking gabagoo? coming to you once again from katie texas final day staring at this parking lot of the katie mills outlet mall in the shadow of texas typhoon water park don't let anyone tell you these tv stories aren't glamorous when you're shooting them my goodness it's about oh 85 degrees here today but it's a wet heat so they say that's the best kind all right here we go with episode uh i feel warm

and I'm levitating.

3,516 in a collector's series. Let the fun begin. I cannot tell you how much I don't like having a cough button. When I'm at the Nest Broadcast Center high in the sky above Portland, Oregon, I can turn my mic off when I need to clear my throat or cough. But here on the road, I'm using a different audio setup, and I can't do that, and I swear, my body... It's like when you're getting closer to your house and you have to go to the bathroom, and your body's pretty good at keeping it together, you know, when you're 10 miles away. But when you start to unlock your door of your house, that's when it starts to really kick up. That's me with my body's need to cough here as I'm doing the show remotely. But that's all right. We got it, everyone. It's going to be a great show. We have lots of fun things to talk about, including Demi Adige eBay's September 21 video that he put out yesterday. Welcome to the Internet. He's been doing this for six years. I'm sure a lot of you have seen them. They're incredibly elaborate and amazing. And he sort of outdid himself this year, which is really something. So we'll talk about that. Also, an author of young adult books admitted in the pages of Gawker.com to writing multiple made-up advice questions and stories and sending them into the Dear Prudence column at Slate and getting, I think it was, 12 of them actually answered. Lying is like 95% of what I do. So we'll delve into that, too, plus emails and V-mails and this guy. There is something about the soul of a co-bro. This guy, by the way, is the longest-running one of those. He is Andrew Walsh, and he's joining me right now from the Roosevelt neighborhood of Seattle, Washington. Good morning, my friend.

Good morning, Luke. I had a couple of things that I wanted to tell you about, I think, but let's talk about this cough button thing.

Yeah, can you send me a cough button? Can you email me a cough button down here?

I think I just did. Now, it's only a picture of a cough button, but it's one that you can buy for $50. That's a small, because you've talked about this before, and it occurred to me, these things can't be that big. It's probably just an XLR in and XLR out with a little switch, and they have these small little portable cough buttons. You can just, like, you know, you take your mic cable, you plug it in, you have one extra cable. You just interrupt the audio chain of your microphone with this little button, and there's a whole bunch of options. I just sent you the first one I saw from Sweetwater. It's called Cough Blocks with an X.

I just got the email, Andrew, and I need you to cover me for a while because I'm just going to be paging through the Sweetwater.com website to figure out what the best one of these cough buttons is. Ah, Andrew, you've changed my life for the low, low price of $50.

And there's some kind of nicer looking ones, too, that are probably slightly less practical, a little bit bigger, but kind of more kind of cool form function. So, yeah, just do yourself a favor, Google.

Cough button. I might have even typed in portable cough button. But, yeah, it's going to be an under $100 deal. Let me tell you about something else going on in my life, if you don't mind.

I mean, you've already done so much for me today, I have to be honest with you.

I don't expect anything else out of you. Start working on the newsletter.

By the way, Becca said from Archie to Nietzsche was the best title for our show she's ever seen.

That's great.

She texted me this morning because she sees the podcast come into her catcher. I don't know if she listens. I try to tell people who I'm in a relationship with. No good comes from that. But she said, this has to be a reference to that bookshelf in the San Antonio Airbnb. And she said, that's also the best title you guys have ever had. And I said, it is a reference to the San Antonio bookshelf. And it was actually said by my friend Andrew.

Nice. I'm glad. I thought that was I was glad that you enjoyed it I didn't realize that it had a universal hit I thought it might be confusing although she had a little bit of inside knowledge she knew about the bookshelf but it worked there what's the other thing that you have for me today? actually a couple of wedding related things I'm going to be in this wedding you popped the question I did I told you I was just waiting to meet the right person

do we still wear suspenders with our suit?

That's the question you asked when you were at Bonobo. Right. But there's two points that might be of interest here. One of is that, as the professional broadcasters like to say, that I have been asked to do one of the readings in the ceremony, which I'm very happy with. I feel like I have, you know, the wedding party has kind of gone on a they went on a little cabin weekend last weekend that I couldn't attend. And frankly, you know, I don't know a lot of the other people in the wedding party and they're much younger and hipper than me. I don't I feel like I would have been a very much a fish out of water in that situation. So it probably worked well for everybody. Yet I didn't get to kind of have that bonding experience. And I sort of feel a little bit guilty. I hope I didn't let my buddy Nick down by not attending that. But they did ask me if I would do a reading. And I thought, oh, well, that's really nice. It's something that, you know, I don't have to. I told you I was a little nervous about maybe making a toast because then I have to come up with something. But if I have a little, you know, four-minute script, I can – even I can pull that off. I could even pull that off in Burien.

Even Andrews can read scripts.

Right, exactly. So I'm like, oh, great. So they sent me – it's a poem. They sent me a poem, like a love poem that I'm going to read. And they sent it to me, I don't know, a week or two ago. And I'm like, okay, I'll open that when it gets close to the time to read. So yesterday I looked at the calendar. I'm like, okay, we're five days out. Time to start reading this thing. I don't have to memorize it, but the more familiar I am, the better. It's a poem, so it's like the line breaks don't really make tons of sense as far as like me reading it out loud in that scenario. So it's good for me to have a rhythm of the poem. And I'll tell you what, I'm not going to tell you what it is because I don't think, you know, it's not really my place to tell you what it is. And this is their special day and I don't want to ruin it. But I will tell you what, it is so beautiful. We have a new problem that possibly only Dr. Arakaki can solve because every, he of course- Reading the poem lowered your teeth? He is, of course, the universal men's clinic low-T solution guy here in town. Dr. Uttercocky. As we hear on the radio all the time. And if I understand it correctly, one of the symptoms of low-T is you cry easily. And this poem is so goddamn beautiful, Luke. I am 0-4-3 on getting choked up at the end on this thing. I don't know what I'm going to do. The last line is so – and I'm not just saying it, man. Seriously, I read it out loud three times yesterday by myself in my studio, and the last line I can barely choke out, and I don't know how I'm going to do this in front of them, but we'll see.

That's really beautiful, and I'm glad that they've picked such a touching thing to read. I wish I had some advice on not getting choked up, but apparently I was born with and continue to have the lowest of teeth because I cry all the time. Usually out of happiness and out of kind of like, you know, feeling emotion that's in the positive direction. Yeah, like this. So I have nothing for you, though, because I am sure I would be a mess. And the more that I thought, OK, don't get choked up. I have moments when we're doing Livewire. And this happened both when we were doing it in front of a crowd and also when we've been doing it on Zoom, where there's a musical performance that's just kind of like so nice. And then I just have I think I really love when we have bands. on. on uh and they're playing a song that i'm enjoying because a it's no pressure on me right it's like it's like basically my lunch break and it's when i tend to have this rare moment of reflection and being present like thinking wow i'm so lucky that i get to do this for my job and that this you know it's like in those moments like we had uh we did the show at the fitzgerald theater in um uh st paul and we had the jayhawks as the band and i have always really liked the Jayhawks and I'm sitting there on the stage on the side stage and they're playing a song and I'm just like it's just all sort of hitting me that this is my real life and I just totally start crying which is embarrassing it's worse though on zoom because you can really see it like you can I there was there are this husband and wife duo called the um I think they're called the Ben songs and they do this keep going song which I have to tell you when the producer sent it to me I was like, okay, this is pretty – it's something that, depending on the mood I'm in, I might think it's a little bit overly dramatic or, I don't know, granola-y or something. It's sort of like a really long song that's largely improvised that's just kind of like spoken word about how you can do this. And I was like – it had like a million views on YouTube. And so I was like, well, people really like this. And so we should have them on. and they come on and they start doing the song and this was just at this point in the pandemic and probably my divorce and who knows what but like everything they were saying was hitting me just right in my emotions and i'm just like i just start crying and i'm like please i hope that they've like they've stopped looking at zoom because it's gonna throw them if the host of the show is just totally crying anyway that's a long way of saying i have no help to offer you

When you were at the Fitzgerald, hadn't you just also like crossed off Paul Simon's name on the signing wall and like signed?

I had signed a brick. I had signed a brick backstage next to the name Paul Simon, which, of course, I thought was going to be confusing for whoever was looking at the names on the bricks. Like, oh, that that person. Oh, that person. Oh, Paul Simon. Oh, what's a Luke Burbank? Yeah. Simon and Burp Funkle.

Famous, famous duo. Whoa. How do you like that one, Becca?

Simon and Burp Funkle. We have a new, hold on, I've got to write this down. We're getting medium play on three independent European radios.

Do you want me to raise the other wedding-related thing? I don't know if you had other things to talk about at the top of the show here, but it is something that I felt like I should mention at some point. And I told you this off-air in a text message a while back. I don't know if you recall, but there's some, I don't know if irony is the right word, in where the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner is going to be held. Oh, we're ready to talk about this. It is at the facility of none other than the celebrity chef who ripped us off and a whole bunch of other people at Thanksgiving last year. I don't know if, you know, I'm assuming most listeners remember the long debacle of us ordering kind of a fancy Thanksgiving dinner from this, you know, kind of hipstery kind of restaurant-y place. And then when we showed up, it was like kind of a disorganized disaster, long lines of people not knowing where their food is. Eventually, they sent us all away and said, your food will be delivered tomorrow on Thanksgiving. We're like, I don't know how that's going to happen, but OK. And then the food never showed up. When I say we got ripped off, the money was eventually returned, but the service remained really horrible and unapologetic.

What did you end up eating for Thanksgiving?

Delicious Thai food. There was a Thai restaurant. I can't remember which one it was, but it was I remember it being really good. Maybe it was because we were really hungry. But I almost wondered if I enjoyed the the the backup meal more than I would have the original anyway. I don't know. But it all worked out for us. I don't know. I think some people maybe never got their money back, but it was a it was a whole deal. And yeah, the chef ended up kind of digging his heels in even more and getting kind of surly with people who were complaining about him in online forums.

So it always what was his eventual like he just said, I mean, he didn't just say we screwed this up. He was still offering excuses or something.

My memory is he never fully issued like a sincere apology, did something maybe kind of apology ask. But when people kept like piling on and talking about how terrible the service was, then he got defensive like he was being the victim of online bullying or something. And he kept saying, I have apologized. You know, like somehow people do this thing where they can get from I'm like basically not apologizing to just saying I've already apologized for this and they just say I've apologized enough times or it becomes canon. I don't know. So it's always left a bad taste in my mouth. I will say I want to make it very clear. We did end up getting our money back, I think, over a week later with some pretty bad, really, I'll say very bad communication from the company. that finally got resolved via Twitter when I called him out publicly. But, yeah, so I've always had kind of obviously a bad taste in my mouth about this chef. And it basically, that basically is forgotten now because I just saw he was featured in another national magazine recently. Like, you know, he's one of these guys. I'm kind of like not even getting into the name of the place or the chef now just because I don't feel like it. But, yeah, so we're going to be at whatever, like, he doesn't have like a traditional restaurant. I don't think it's more of like this dining experience thing. Right.

It's probably like one of these kind of event spaces that they'll do the food for at your event that you hire them. Is that what it is?

Well, it's not just straight up catering, though. I mean, they have a space, and it's the type of thing where I think during normal times, and I don't know how long they were open before the pandemic hit, which is I think one of the reasons a lot of people wanted to give them a bit of a break on this. This was in the middle of a pandemic, but it's the type of place where they do have their own space, but they might have like a luau night on, you know, on a special Tuesday or something that they would maybe publicize on social media and then you can sign up for it. Or they will obviously do a catered type of thing or you can rent the space yourself. But they also like would create these they would create these experiences that you could then, you know, be on a waiting list to then attend yourself. You know, very, you know, I think representing various cultures and whatnot.

So that's where the event is going to be. Now, have you decided if you're going to say anything to anybody there? And also what's Veeves' role in all of this?

Well, this is why, again, I feel a little bit like not the best groomsman in the world, because while I have not written a toast for the couple who's getting married, I have. You've written a roast?

More of a roast than a toast, if I could just take a minute.

Yeah, so I did write. It's not long. It's like 20, 25 minutes long. So I'll just wait for a moment, probably after the rehearsal's done, but maybe before the dinner. Maybe after the dinner.

I would do it maybe right before the first dance. I would try to pick whatever the emotional apex. I mean, I guess the vows are the emotional apex. But as far as the reception goes, whatever is just a time when everyone is just really basking in the love of these two beautiful people, Nick and Rosen. I think that would be exactly when you want to just walk over to the DJ, scratch the record and and yell in Jerry Blank voice. I've got something to say not to step on the joke.

But unfortunately, this is not the reception. This is the rehearsal dinner than the day before. So, no, I'm not going to I'm not going to say anything, do anything. And I assume that he would not be there, although you never really know with operations like this. But it is just sort of funny that like there's there's not a lot of businesses and organizations that I am kind of just like straight up at war with. I mean, there are plenty of places that I've kind of, as Genevieve and I say, maybe stamped out of after, you know, like there's a barbershop in our neighborhood that everybody raves about. But I went in and had like a really bad experience and never even got my hair cut there. The guy was just so rude to me. And so I passed that place and I think, yeah, I'll never go in there. But if I did go in there, I'm sure he doesn't remember me and it wouldn't, you know, it doesn't really matter that much. I'm sure he's a nice guy and I caught him on a bad day. But this is like the one thing that I've publicly gone to war with. And I will but I will I will. It actually sounds like because it's a nontraditional restaurant, it sounds like it'll be a pretty good situation for somebody like me, who's kind of a somewhat picky eater, but also doesn't like any attention drawn to me over that or anything. Because it sounds like it's going to be kind of a grazing situation. You kind of serve yourself. People will just be mingling. So actually, I think it'll end up being a fine evening. And no, I will not I will not make a 25 minute rant. But so that's not a very good power out to my story.

Well, speaking of fine dining, though, I would like to clarify something that I messed up the other day, telling my story of the world's worst banter from the fella driving the river boat tour in the San Antonio River. I kept talking about this weird restaurant where they make you wear, like, they roll up some part of the, I don't know what it is, if it's a doggy bag or if it's part of the, like, paper that's on the table or something, like the tablecloth. and then they write things on it that are like how you don't like your family or whatever. I was calling it Joe's Crab Shack and listener Annie said it's actually crabby, it's Dick's Last Resort.

Yeah, I knew it wasn't Joe's Crab Shack because I've been to one of those. I told you I'm not going to out this person.

Oh yeah, you did. You actually said I've been to a Joe's Crab Shack and they don't do that there and I was thinking you were just wrong but you were absolutely right. I wasn't talking about the same place.

Yeah, no, Joe's is more...

More famous, they'll break out and dance at some point, like the serving staff will. And I got a text message from, I think I can read this without identifying them. I got a text message from said family member who used to work at a Joe's and says, I believe the cheesy chain restaurant with the Pope-esque paper hats Luke was referring to was Dick's Last Resort, not Joe's. I believe the tall, pointed top design is actually intended to resemble a giant condom on someone's head. Of course it is. Yes, exactly. I'm absolutely sure. He says, I'm the only former Joe's Crab Shacker that you know, I assume. Kind of you to not out me in my YMCA dancing past, says this anonymous family member who is not Genevieve or my dad. Those are the only ones I'll be here.

The first time I went to a place like that that I can remember was in Los Angeles when I was in high school. Me and my buddy Joe and Ben road tripped down to L.A. Actually, I guess I was in college because I remember we ended up meeting up with a friend of mine who I went to college with. So that would have to indicate that was the time of my life. Anyway, we went to a place in L.A. called Ed DeVebix. And that was also one of those things where it was like the waiters kind of are wearing funny outfits. I feel like they were sort of wearing 50s style outfits and they would be sassy with the customers and then they would break into dance. And I think I remember at that time thinking, oh, this is really fun and different than anything I've sort of been around. So I guess the question is what happened What broke inside me in the subsequent 25 years that I now have Really low tolerance for that kind of stuff

I'm kind of surprised that you were ever Into it

Well I think you know honestly I was at the Age where I just hadn't been To very many restaurants in my life You know that weren't Burger Master where my parents Had a coupon from the entertainment book So just honestly just getting To be anywhere where I was sitting and they were Bringing me food was kind of still a bit of a thrill And being in Los Angeles was a thrill Because I had never been down there I feel like this place was right off of Sunset or something So I think just the whole thing was exciting to me And so I was just kind of up for anything

Yeah, and also That is true, like while you and I share Some cynicism about certain things We were just talking We were just bonding about something the other day That I can't remember Oh, I guess it was kind of the Your story about the cheesy tour boat operator And how like just you and I could both physically feel the cringe and the tightness in your body while you're sitting through this tour of this person making terrible jokes. Right. And over the top jokes. Yet you're not somebody who necessarily cringes at performativeness or certainly, you know, when you were younger. Like, I think I was probably much more of a cynical bastard in my 20s than you were. Right. I only became one later in life when you met me.

right exactly that was when you began to slowly poison my mind right right because yeah i i think i was much more i remember going to like and again peace and love to our listeners that do this kind of stuff but i remember going to like improv things in college not performing in them but going to like comedy sports and stuff and i don't remember it being something that made me you know want to run out of the uh the theater as it probably would now um you know that kind of stuff is makes me feel deeply uncomfortable although i will say there has been some i think kind of great improv of late like i really like that middle ditch and schwartz thing and almost all of the comedians that i really like come out of the improv background anything about amy poehler tina fay will ferrell the like um so i don't know why it is that i just maybe it's just improv in the wrong hands which would be the great name for an improv group by the way yes it would improv in the wrong hands Thursday night at the IO Olympic that's redundant the IO the O stands for Olympic at the IO on whatever in LA I'm sorry if I sound distracted Andrew because I'm trying to do some kind of a sort of unpaid and unscientific traffic pattern study as I sit here in Katy Texas so I am in this hotel it's called the Aloft Hotel and you got to get those bonvoy points my dude and uh as i mentioned earlier in the show i am looking at this huge mostly empty parking lot for this giant mall called katie mills there's a books a million uh there's an off broadway shoes which i don't know why you would name why off broadway yeah exactly it's like these are shoes that your friend is making you come to see off these are they're workshopping these shoes and um you know one of them will eventually be dear evan hansen um oh my gosh why do i have to take a shot at dear evan hansen when i know that my beautiful lovely niece maddie is probably listening so remember i mentioned in passing that uh my niece maddie

Thank you.

got the lead role in her high school production of something called Night of Musical Theater. Yeah, I knew she got the lead role, but I didn't know what the production was. She is playing Robin in something called Night of Musical Theater. She is only a sophomore, but she is playing the lead role because, again, she is just a dynamo. And anyway, I mentioned that mostly because I wanted to just talk about how I'm getting no love from my cowboy outfit on Hawk Squad, and I get a text on Hawk Squad from Maddie. Hey, thanks, Uncle Luke, for the shout-out about my role in the play. I always listen to TVTL on the ride home on the bus, riding the bus home from high school. So anyway, shout-out to my niece Maddie, who is the absolute best. Anyway, I think she also likes Dear Evan Hansen, which is why I don't want to take a shot at it, but I will tell you this. I think our friend The Stewbot retweeted a review of Dear Evan Hansen that made me laugh so hard. It is just in the fine tradition of just Absolutely Savaging a film

I don't really know It's like a musical right I don't know anything It's a musical and I think a lot of our listeners

Love it which is why I need to tread very lightly It's also about very serious topics It's about bullying I think it might be about Suicide as well So it's like It's a serious musical That is emotional and that a lot of our listeners Including my beautiful niece Maddie Love a lot so I don't you know want to poo poo it but i think that the well the i know i'm saying nothing about this traffic pattern i'll get to that in a moment i'm still thinking about off broadway shoes um so i think the criticism of the dear evan hansen thing is that the the guy who started the role i think his name is ben platt the guy who played the original evan hansen on broadway is playing evan hansen in this film version but the thing is he's 26 now he's playing a high schooler i see yes and it's according to the review that i read it wasn't particularly convincing that he might be a high schooler and uh and then i again now i'm just doing this but the the reviewer was talking about how the the the justification i guess you would say that that ben platt put forward was that you know well people just wouldn't believe the movie if he wasn't playing evan hansen or whoever the the i I think he's Evan Hansen in it, or maybe he's the person who writes a letter to Evan Hansen. It's called Dear Evan Hansen. Anyway, he was saying that the movie would not have gotten greenlit were he not playing Evan Hansen, which seems hard to believe. And also, his father is the producer of the film.

Yeah, I'm looking. He does play the title role, by the way. I'm looking at this on Wikipedia now. Yeah, yeah. Let me ask you this real question, not a serious question, but a real question regarding this. do you think it's easier for a 26 year old to play a high schooler on the stage or in the cinema because on the stage very much so on the stage on the stage because people are further away the camera isn't right in your face you can you can do you can get away with more on the stage yet on the other hand you do have the modern technology oh sorry about that that was me uh messing around with my microphone here i'll stop doing that somebody needs a portable cuff button I think so. Actually, see if you can get two and if one is cheaper, or if it's cheaper if you buy two together. It's a BOGO. Dude, I think about – just forget about my question about Evan Hansen for a second. We've got to talk about BOGO.

Let's get off of it because I'm sure listeners are getting very mad at me because they love that musical, and I don't need to – I don't mean to criticize something that our listeners love.

So this is one of your observations, this BOGO thing, and I'll tell you what. It sticks in my head because I don't think I've really been that familiar or noticed people using the term BOGO at all, buy one, get one. And you've set this up many times on the show. It's your observation that, of course, if I'm buying one, I would get one. It should be, I believe your correction is it should be buy one, get two, right? It should be BOGOT.

Something like that. Yeah, something where you're, because yeah, buy one and get one is kind of how that should work. You bought it, you got it.

But see, for me growing up, and maybe this is why the term BOGO didn't mean anything to me. is always buy one, get one free. Right, me too. That's the phrasing, buy one, get one free. Yeah, it should be Bogov. Be Bogov. Like, why did they drop the free? When did that happen? And why? Like, I'm so with you on it. Like, I'm not with you on the solution. I don't think it should be Bogot. I think it should be Bogov. But buy one, get one free. That's very clear. What happened and when?

It's because Bogov is a less fun thing to say than Bogo. I guess. It's why it's murder, not murder.

It's why it's not Muck Duck.

That's why it's not Muck Duck, Andrew. Come on. Okay, so my traffic, my informal traffic survey, this huge mall that is very, very lightly attended has this giant empty parking lot, and what I'm watching as I do the show is just cars.

enter this it's also kind of um it's like a huge parking lot but you know you can only enter in at various points and then there's like you know trees and and and grass and and sort of things that are i guess you could say ringing the parking lot yeah and what i'm watching is people enter the parking lot and then just drive diagonally across every single empty parking space towards wherever they're trying to go but the funny part is it's not more efficient in many of the cases if this makes any sense let's say you're trying to go to the ross dress for less uh as some people are they will pull into they'll sort of enter the outer ring of the parking lot and then if they were to just drive straight down the actual like area that you're supposed to drive in in the parking lot if they were to drive straight it would get them to ross pretty efficiently but i think we have a childlike wonder when we pull into a parking lot and it's totally empty and you can just drive willy nilly in any direction you want so people are taking these diagonals across all of the empty parking spots that are not actually getting them to their destination any faster i just think it's like a fun for them but then i'm also noticing that when when you have just kind of anarchy like this people are also always somehow ending up in the same spot in the middle of the empty parking lot like an impromptu four-way stop with other cars it's not even an intersection it's not like the lane no just like in this random no and it's like it's like who's gonna give like i'm watching it right now there is like um a kind of an enamel colored uh audi like a gray audi and then there's like a nissan of some kind the audi is driving diagonally this white nissan is also driving diagonally they are about to intersect and the audi pulled left like it's just people pull into this lot and then they just lose their damn minds And then again, it's like when you're a kid and it snows and you can walk in the middle of the road or something like I'm just it's interesting because I don't think that these people are getting to their destination faster. But I think something in our mind thinks, oh, if I can just drive wherever I want in this parking lot, I'm going to get where I'm going faster because normally there are all these cars and I have to follow the rules. But this is no rules Wednesday in Katy. I can just go drive however I want to that books a million.

I think is there a Texas angle here, too? Is this them not letting, like, traffic patterns tread on them? It's very possible.

The amount of not treading that the folks in this state are advocating for is really a lot. Like, anything you pick up, anything you look like, if it's a coffee cup, I've been doing this story about this Bucky's place, which everyone I've talked to there has been incredibly nice. I will say that some of the stuff that they sell there is not, you know, stuff I would probably buy, like a Don't Tread on Me coffee mug. I mentioned that the bar scholars and scoundrels that I went to to watch the Seahawks lose That one had a big old don't tread on me flag It's pretty common out here I'm really trying to not tread on people

Yeah, and they're not letting the I do sometimes think about the way specific parking lots are laid out in a way to control us Like, I'm not even I'm not even saying this because of the don't tread on me context here, although it is it is related, like. Especially when you kind of get more on the outskirts of the city and places that are a little bit more suburban and have like bigger, like big ass parking lots, like big ass parking lots are just not a big part of my life right now, right? Because I live in the city, walk, bus a lot of places. And when I take the car somewhere, it's usually to I don't know, just a standalone restaurant somewhere or what have you or downtown. But when you get to the places where it's like the exact kind of shopping experiences that you're kind of describing right now, Luke, like some really big ass stores all sharing a parking lot together. Like you ever you're pulling into one, you're probably pulling off of a road that has like four lanes of traffic and you pull into one and you realize, oh, no, this is the wrong big ass parking lot. Like the Bed Bath & Beyond is actually in the next big ass parking lot. But if I go around the corner here and behind the books a million, will it connect? And then it's like, no, of course it won't connect. But now I'm back here with the dumpsters and I got to go all the way back around. And like and and then in other circumstances, like here at University Village, which is more of a kind of like now it's more of I think you said it's kind of an upscale kind of shopping experience with your bonobos that we're talking about the other day. and your Amazon bookstores and, you know, nicer restaurants. And it's all like this kind of outdoor mall area that is impossible to drive around. I mean, it's just cars slowly driving around looking for spots intermixed with people who are walking. I'm quite convinced that they keep those parking lots tight and somewhat unmanageable like that so that you're not seeing... speeding around and killing the pedestrians i think very specifically there is design there the the thing that might give you a headache by driving in that parking lot is probably by design to kind of control us and to you know you know implement a very specific flow yeah probably

in a place oh my gosh we have a convergence blue toyota truck gray nissan of some kind and then a uh ford truck all just came actually it's not a ford truck it's a ford expedition which is like my rental car here andrew is the largest car that i have driven in years that wasn't an rv huge yeah geez it was just the you know as an avis wizard i guess they decided to i probably think they're upgrading me but uh becca and i when we got to the car we were just laughing because it was like you needed to rent a different car to drive to the back of the rental car right to throw your stuff in the back i mean it's insanely huge but what i've noticed is everywhere that i've gone in texas and i am in the most like if i were in austin in the heart of austin it'd be different or if i were in the heart of houston or whatever i am out in the kind of exurbs right of houston like literally there's a bass pro shop and the other day ways was like take a left on um bass pro on bass pro lane like they have roads named after the bass pro shop here yeah yeah um so but what has amazed me is i like i was thinking i'm not gonna be able to park this thing anywhere yeah and every parking spot is totally fine for a ford expedition right because like it's texas yeah it's just like this is our thing we're just gonna make it big enough for any kind of vehicle or truck you could be driving and it you know i have to say like it's not probably the lifestyle that i would pursue for myself but on just a purely like selfish experiential um score it's kind of convenient it's kind of nice to have everything way bigger than it needs to be and lots of parking i mean lots of what is it the impervious surface area like these parking lots are just terrible you know for the environment and things like that But it's pretty convenient to get in my huge-ass Ford – sorry, you had to hear that, Matty – and then just drive it somewhere and then just park it in a huge-ass space that, like, there's 8,000 parking spaces and they all will fit a Ford Expedition.

Yet, on the other hand, you were here in the city one time, and for some reason Avis rented you the largest truck I'd ever seen that wasn't, like, you know, a semi-rig. Yes. You remember that thing? It was like an extra stretch, long, huge canyon arrow or something, and you were in the city and you had to park like outside my house. What the hell was going on that day?

It was because I used to do a lot of one-way car rentals. So I would rent from the Avis at the Bellingham Airport, and then I would drive down. I would do the show with you, and then I would end up at SeaTac, and that's where I would drop the car off. I would usually do this when I was flying out somewhere. But because of the weirdness of the one-way rental and the fact that that Avis up at that airport it's a tiny airport and it's a pretty small avus operation so they were always trying to like if they had like a good car or like a car you know a car that was in high demand they didn't want to like send that one out on a one-way they were hoping to get it back so like i would usually drive the car that needed to go to seattle because nobody wanted it right oh right one day

that was like a school bus yeah that was incredible i think we even recorded possibly a hay dummies or something so i guess i could look it up in the archives but yeah that thing was that thing was amazing that was like a joke that was like a challenge that was like i lost a bet and this

is the truck they gave me to drive well i felt that way about this ford that i'm driving uh when i first got it it's got like five rows or something insane and and now honestly it feels totally normal to me like i'm probably going to get one of these well the thing is then you have to move to texas though to make it work yeah i know um that's the that that's the part that would be a tough fit for me but uh but anyway all right we should take a quick break and then when we come back i do want to talk about this demi adige ebay video and also if we have time the fake letters to dear prudence it's all coming up here on tbtl all right let's thank some donors of the day these are the generous people making the show possible yesterday when i was killing time at the bucky's i was chatting with the uh crew for the tv shoot and the producer dustin and uh they were asking well what is the financial model for a podcast these days how are people making a living on this and I said well you got to have a small but incredibly supportive group of people that are willing to donate money every month and then I explained to them kind of what we talked about

tbtl and then they circled back they said people donate for that and i said yes they do very common people like betty i know right people like betty schlafer's uh in a washington now let's talk about

this for a second i don't know if you recall luke but this comes up i think almost every year there is some glitch in the system where it merely says a washington the letter a in fact didn't we once look up every city in Washington that starts with the letter A? I think I looked it up and I quizzed you, and I think you did way better than I expected in naming towns in Washington State that begin with the letter A. Not that I don't believe in you, but I did send a note to John, our colleague over at American Public Media, who has access to such information, and he doesn't have a definitive answer, but he's got like a 99% sure answer of what town that actually is, this A. Washington. My question for you, and sort of for Betty, although Betty can't respond right now, so it's really on you here. Do we want to let the mystery be here, as Iris Dement might say, or do you want to know what town we actually think A represents? Can I guess? Can I make an educated guess? Yes, make an educated guess. Anacortes. It is not Anacortes. Here we go again. Keep going. All right.

Let's see. Arlington. No.

Two syllables. I don't know if that makes it harder or easier as you just try to think of A-towns. It's A-town, baby.

Okay. Two syllables starts with A. Yes, Dustin, people donate for this. Two syllables starts with A. Any other hints? I feel like the two syllables made it worse somehow. Not to blame you.

No, no, it does because it hurts your ability just to cast the net wide, right?

Right.

You know what? Here's where I'm going to vote. I say Acme. It is not Acme. That's a real place. There's an Acme Washington. Really? Spelled.

That's where I get all of my roller speeds.

and my rocket boosters. So I get my black paint so I can paint a hole on the side of a mountain that looks like a cave. It is my understanding. I do not know. I don't think you have a drumroll machine with you on the road there in Katy, Texas. But if you want to just kind of bang the table or whatever, I believe Betty Schlieffers lives in Auburn, Washington, my friend.

Oh, Auburn, Washington.

We're thinking Auburn. Again, it's not definitive, but that's what we think. So thank you, Betty, and let's do this again next year.

Tiffany Davis is in S, Washington. Try to name cities that start with S in Washington. Thank you, Tiffany, for donating. Tiffany is, of course, in Seattle. Denise Stock is in Export, Pennsylvania. I have to imagine that if we read Denise's name last year, we went on a whole thing about Export, Pennsylvania.

Yes, any of those cities, right? Like City of Industry or any city that's kind of named after its industry.

Right, yeah, like Commerce, California.

Yes, that's a good one, yeah.

But also, you know, Pennsylvania is also the home of the town that's called Intercourse.

Oh, I did forget about that, yes.

Intercourse, Pennsylvania as well. We've yet to get a donor from Intercourse, but we look forward to that happening. Patrick Marr is in Seattle, Washington. I know that last time that we read Patrick's name, I went on a whole thing about how I know how to say Patrick's last name because there was a famous Irishman who came out to Montana and his last name was spelled the way Patrick's is and he was pronounced Mar. And that was I know that because I read a book about that.

You read a book. But how do you know how to pronounce it just because it was written in a book any more than Patrick's name is written here?

Well, because I had to interview the writer of the book. I see. And Tim Egan is his name. Oh, Tim Egan, right. Yeah. And so he said the name. I was probably about to mispronounce the name, and then he said the name. Meagre. Then I knew how to say Patrick's name. Yeah. Allison Port is in New Orleans, Louisiana. I hope you're doing all right. Right on. Yeah. Home of the PRPD 2022, Andrew. Oh, that's right. We've got to get you down there. We're back to doing things in person. I mean, if you're going to crash another PRPD, New Orleans is the one, right?

Right, yes. If they're back in person next year, certainly, yeah. And again, unfortunately, it sort of seems like the PRPD always does line up with storm season as well. So you're kind of...

Yeah, they're like, let's where, you know, what I heard was that in the early days of that thing, that, by the way, is the conference for all of the public radio stations. I heard that in the early days when public radio was really underfunded, they would basically do these conferences in places that people were not generally going to during that particular time of year because it was cheaper.

Sure. Yeah.

Yeah. So like D.C. in August. Yeah. which is when everyone's trying to get out of dc and then like well let's all go there kind of san antonio in august this is kind of interesting uh allison is in new orleans louisiana and then our next donor ann bost is in orleans massachusetts yeah what about that i don't know orleans massachusetts i don't everybody was in orleans and then a few of them said let's go down to louisiana let's make a new one yes oh there's a new orleans yeah exactly so thanks ann also i I want to just say quickly, I rarely do this because I feel like it sets a dangerous precedent.

Oh, I think I know what you're going to do.

And I was very tempted to do this, too. OK, good. So yesterday we were thanking our dear friend and longtime supporter, Mellie. And her last name is a unique one and a beautiful one at that. But I just completely botched it. And so she very nicely And in the sweetest way said The way to say my last name Which is spelled E-C-H-A-N-I-Q-U-E Is to just say the letters H-N-E-K So her name is Mellie H-N-E-K Because it's Basque

Oh I was reading that like H-N-E-K No no you say I had this this morning And then I'm looking at the email now You thought her last name was pronounced H-N-E-K No that was like That would have been a funny joke if I were joking. But yes, it's H-N-E-K, right, H-N-E-K. I had that this morning, and then I was just looking down at it, and I was like, oh, yeah, it's Melisande Haneck. No, but that's not it either. Next year. Yes. Your donor's new name is Haneck.

Haneck. Oh, my goodness. I'm glad we corrected the record. Thanks again, Melian. Thanks to all of our donors for making the show possible. We really do appreciate you. hello and welcome to top story you get a cough button for that audio drop a little a little spicy a little hot um i uh i watched the demi did you bay video yesterday the september 21st one and i noted well first of all i thought it was very funny um it starts off with a great fake conversation i don't know if you had a chance to look at it yet andrew yeah I really liked It starts off with Demi And a woman Kind of having this Like one of those Arguments about Like a movie That you might have Later You know Late at night at the bar When everyone's had a few drinks And they're sort of Having an argument About the movie Grease The person who's Playing opposite Demi She's really great I feel like Have you seen her around? I don't know who she is Okay me neither Yeah And I don't care to find out Yeah No I do care to find out But she seems very Comedically her timing was great so anyway it starts off uh demi is in this bar and then the clock strikes 12 and suddenly he realizes he has to go do this video and it was kind of a funny meta commentary on how much pressure he feels to do these videos um because i think somebody says to him are you or the i think that the woman who's playing opposite of says are you gonna don't you have to do that video today that thing where no one sees you for four to six months it's like anyway he just you know it's it without spoiling it for people or or you know just go watch it it's it's great but it's just like really clever he's he's dancing or he's doing all these things he's in this amazing kind of rotating room uh where he's he's literally dancing on the ceiling and the walls and then he comes out in this pool party and anyway he's just like a really cool over-the-top number um which i didn't realize until the end is the last one he's doing he's very clear about that he's like i'm done doing these now um i think it must just be the kind of thing where i mean that seems like something that would be really rewarding and really cool to like create something that everyone's looking forward to all year and then just the pressure of having to come up with something it would crush me i totally understand why he's like i did six thank you um uh that's going to be the final one yeah don't i feel that

pressure every day on this show people are like the last tb tale you did was just so good uh do it again today walsh and i'm like all right but i don't know if i can maintain that standard um you know do you remember last year's video he kind of ended it you know he'll he'll do the video and then at the end he you know says a little message about um donating uh how he's using this to to raise money for various charities i think he raised like at last check like 350 000 for this year these great charities yeah yeah and last year in his little address after the dance number he said okay well that's my fifth one it seems like a good place to end and then he said okay i'll do

Thank you.

one more if you donate enough to raise I think it was maybe $50,000 for last year's charities so apparently he was sort of laying the groundwork for wanting to wrap these up because at first I was wondering oh is this a bit that he does every year that he says it's his last one but no I kind of went back and watched last year's and he said that seems to be a good place to wrap it up but if we raise enough money I will do one more and so then I guess this year it really is It's not going to be one of those Rod Stewart things where he keeps on going on a final tour. I'm not entirely sure that's a Rod Stewart thing, but it just seems like somebody who would do that.

Yeah, there are some of those bands that keep telling you it's their final tour. I feel like Motley Crue is one of those bands that said, like, okay, this is our last tour. And then I should be careful what I say because, you know, I'm actually interviewing Nikki Sixx. No, I didn't know that. For the Livewire. What's Nikki Sixx up to? I think he wrote a book, maybe, that they have sent to my home, and I will be reading it later.

Is he going to perform Livewire?

I don't think he's going to perform, unfortunately, but if he does, I will ask him about the song Livewire, since he's going to be on the radio show Livewire. Ask him if it's about your radio show. Right. Then he's also going on the radio show Girls, Girls, Girls, and Dr. Feelgood.

I caught him – I caught the end of his interview on Smoking in the Boys Room, and I thought it was pretty good.

Yeah, there are those bands that just seem – like I don't understand why the Rolling Stones are still touring. I mean I see signs. They're playing – I think they're playing like the Moda Center in Portland. And I'm not saying this would be critical of the Rolling Stones. Like I think they have some great tunes. but i i don't understand being 80 and they don't need money obviously right i i just i guess they just really enjoy the process of you know going out on stage and having all those people screaming for them i mean that seems like it would be fun it would also really stress me out i've already talked about how i'm stressed out to give a affirmation that i'm willing to perform my duties in the exit row so scale that up to the moda center but like i i think i was thinking about this because on this howard stern show they were talking about one of the guys from zz top died oh really one of the main guys one of the beardos yeah one of the three like bearded dudes um and this is actually kind of a they were just talking about bands still touring after they lose someone and you know charlie watt died in the stones and and they were saying how the stones are still touring they also were pointing out that the the zz top replacement i don't know if what instrument The guy was playing who passed away But they said So they were out touring pretty soon After this guy died And the replacement guy for him also had a really long beard The question being Did you have the replacement guy Start growing the beard before the Real dude was dead Or was it somebody who was already really Into the scene which made him an easy hire Right But it was like that would be a weird call to make Hey we um Things are not going great for Brian and so you're going to want to start growing that beard now because we may need you in eight months. And then Brian sees that this guy's growing a beard. He's like, oh, shit. Just keep seeing people coming over to the studio with various length of beard, all auditioning for the role.

Why is it beard season? I don't think anyone in ZZ Top is named Brian.

I like that, though. What's the most un-ZZ Top name you could have? Probably. Trevor. Trevor. I think there are no Trevors in ZZ Top.

There are no Trevors. I feel like that's something you could put on a pillow. It sounds almost aspirational, doesn't it? There are no Trevors in ZZ Top. Like, hey, think about that. As you head out into the world today for your first day of school, son, remember, there are no Trevors in ZZ Top. Just think about it. Just think about it.

I saw some signs at this Buc-ee's, Andrew, of the less the aspirational or the inspirational and more of the laughing, loving shit.

I said aspirational when I meant inspirational.

Thank you for subtly correcting me there. Go ahead. Andrew, you know, if you can't, you can't buy happiness, but you can buy beer, which is kind of the same thing. Step aside, coffee. This is a job for alcohol. Why limit happy to an hour? There's a picture of like a handsome guy in kind of like Western gear. Would you like to see this cowboy in his birthday suit? That was just a card. There was another one. If you don't want a sarcastic answer, don't ask stupid questions, Andrew. I mean, it was the sass coming off of walls, walls and walls and walls and shelves and shelves and shelves of some real classics out there. There is.

a restaurant that i like to go to it's one of those types of um quick asian places like an asian noodle place that is on the ave right and so it's a here in seattle in the university district and it's like a um you know it's just like a quick lunch place you go in there you sit down there is no frills it's uh pretty you know kind of in and out service but nice and it's uh i'll say the name of it it's called um noodle palace i think and um i just really like it they have a great wonton soup they have a good um spicy duck soup it's just one of my favorite places to go but it is funny because they you know at some point they established this restaurant i think it's only like i don't know i think it's less than 10 years old and they just went to some store or went to a website and just said well just send me the americana kit and send me the beer kit and there is in there there is like it's like a tgi fridays as far as the quantity of signs and stuff on the wall just plastered right and kind of like my bedroom when i was a kid like i would the walls were all just montages of things i'd cut out of magazines and whatnot and um it the one wall is nothing but just like these tin signs for american beers just like covering the entire wall then in the table that i like to sit by there's a there's like a um kind of license plate style metal thing tacked to the wall that says it's cowboys country and um dallas cowboys i believe it's dallas cowboys country and then the other i'm trying to think the other side of the wall opposite of the beer wall is just it's all just like americana it's just like the most like kind of down market tgi fridays kind of thing but it's just and they didn't even kind of like intersperse it they're Just, like, the first box came in, so they just nailed it all up against the wall. That's the beer wall. And then the other one is just, like, the American shit wall, basically. It's pretty funny.

I love that. Can you take a picture of that?

I will. Yes, I should. Yeah, and I don't want to, like, honestly, like, I almost took a photo of it and then posted it on Twitter. And I'd be like, well, I don't want to come off as, like, being racist or whatever. Like, you know, like, probably they were just setting up a restaurant. They're like, okay, I don't know. Let's just buy this. And, you know, I don't know. i could see it maybe being somewhat like i'm making fun of asian people for not getting the

culture and i don't want it to come off like that right that's something i guess to be careful yeah

so so that's why i kind of don't like take a photo of it and put it on social media without the context but it is and again i want to state i love this place i go there all the time and i

support them but it is a funny look here i go once again with the email every week i hope that It's from a female. Oh, man, it's not from a female.

All right, we'll talk about dear prudence tomorrow because we're starting to run out of time. But do you have an email or a female that has captivated you today, Andrew?

Yeah, you know what I'm realizing, Luke? Almost all of our email and female segments these days have to do with poop in some way or another, right? Like, we've been talking a lot about, like, kind of dog poop, which I want to get to in a second here. But I also got this note from Stacy that was kind of prompted by a newsletter I wrote recently talking about, remember, I can't think of his name off the top of my head, but the tennis player who was being ridiculed by other tennis players for taking these long bathroom breaks and kind of breaking up the rhythm of the game. Yeah, I don't remember his name either, not being a tennis guy.

But, yeah, he was getting some pushback on that.

Yeah, and I'd also like to point out getting pushback from other professional tennis players, not you and I. Somebody was, like, I don't know, kind of criticizing us for throwing stones at tennis players, like, saying it's a hard thing. Are you still allowed to do that in a tennis match? Yeah, I don't think so. It's like, I'm not throwing the stones. It's his colleagues who are saying it's wrong. Like, everybody relax. Anyway, Stacy says, related to that newsletter. I was writing about how whether or not that person is actually going to the bathroom during during these high stakes events. I just can't imagine having what it takes to stand up and say to a crowd of 20,000 people or whatever it is, excuse me, I need to use the restroom now. And then just disappearing for eight minutes or five minutes and just like and then just walking back out and just like, what is everybody thinking? Like, I just, I just, I don't have what it takes to do that. And I made a comment about how, like, if I go, if I'm in a restaurant, like a sit-down restaurant with some, whether it's Genevieve or a group of people, and if I go to the restroom and I'm in there for more than, like, three and a half minutes, I start to sweat. I assume that when I walk out that door, everybody, like, from the chefs, the waitstaff, all the diners, they're all like, what did that guy do in there? I always just get the impression that everybody in the restaurant is like, huh, what?

Palsh has been in the restroom for quite some time, hasn't he been? So anyway, Stacey wants to share this story. She says, my husband, kids, and I were enjoying an early lunch on a Sunday a few years ago. We were at, I'll probably say this wrong, Henec. No, LA, I'm sorry, La Fiamma, a pizza joint in Bellingham. Oh, you must know this. La Fiamma? Yeah. La Fiamma. La Fiamma, sure.

Oh, this is, yeah, you know what? This is from my friend Stacey. Yeah, so you know Stacey. I do know Stacey. Stacey once wrote a very loving article about me, and I have said this before, it was like the best and the most factually accurate article that's ever been written about me. Oh, wait, I know Stacey, too.

I've met Stacey at TBTL events. Yes, okay, sorry. I wasn't putting it all together. Anyway, we're at this pizza joint in Bellingham that we've loved for years. There wasn't really anyone else there at the time of day, just one guy waiting tables and one or two folks manning the wood fire oven. My memory is that the service was just fine What wasn't fine was that While waiting for our food to arrive I watched our server walk out from the kitchen With a newspaper tucked under his arm Pass by our table Head to the men's bathroom Near the front of the restaurant And disappear for far too long What he was doing in there Was undeniable And I know we're all human And sometimes you gotta go Even at work We'll never know if he carefully washed his hands Before returning to work that day And immediately bringing us our pizza I don't know if I'm more ashamed to admit That this grossed me out so majorly Or that I went ahead and ate my pizza anyway Forcing myself to believe that of course He scrubbed up like a surgeon After his extended bathroom break No power out I guess Perhaps a pooper out Man that is bold Like newspaper That's almost like a prop in this day and age Don't you have a phone? Right?

Although I respect it better than a friend. I respect that game if you're at home. But even at home, it's a power move. At times when I've lived with other people, and if I start walking towards the bathroom and I have reading material, I mean, now it's all on our phones, but in the day, if I had reading material with me, it would be commented upon, I guess you're planning to be in there for a while. But that's at home. Right. Like, I mean, to do that in a food service job is really something.

Yes, definitely. And again, with a newspaper in the modern era, really. I mean, like, where did you get the newspaper? That's the question there. All right. I got a voicemail here. This is related to the ongoing conversation we're having. Remember, people used to call in all the time about shame eating. Like we just go through phases like now the the topic of the day is, you know, how people are handling their dog poop situations. And we got this voicemail from Scott in Ohio.

Hi, Luke and Andrew. This is listener Scott in Oxford, Ohio. I wanted to call in with a short dog poop story or dog poop bag story. So I live in a sort of smallish college town, and we have this big tree outside of our house that has this bench on it, which people would occasionally leave things for during the pandemic. So during the heart of the pandemic, when we didn't want to interact in person, friends would sometimes leave stuff there that they were trying to drop off. Anyway, so a few months ago, I was outside, and I noticed something sitting on this bench. And I walked over, and it was a dog poop bag with a note attached to it, which was a little bit surprising. So I took a look at this note. It was written in the handwriting of someone who learned to write very clearly and clearly was disciplined when they did it poorly. So I'm assuming this was sort of one of our maybe elderly neighbors or something, someone like that. And they had written something to the effect of, welcome to the neighborhood. Just so you know, garbage, the garbage cans are for private use only. Please do not leave, you know, actually I don't think they use the word please, but do not leave your dog waste in our receptacle. And then obviously they had returned it to us. Now, the thing is, this is not our dog poop. And so we were a little, well, more than a little annoyed. We do have a dog, but we are very careful to always bring our dog poop home with us. And then, I mean, we're just walking around our neighborhood, so usually we're not going all that far. And so I guess I was sort of hoping this could be a moment of unity for some of the tens, because I think regardless of whichever side of this argument that you're on, We can probably all agree that fishing dog poop out of your garbage can, writing a pretty passive-aggressive note and leaving it on the wrong person's property is not a very good book. Anyway, love the show. Power out. Bye.

Well, also, talk about being, you know, hoisted by your own poop. hard you had to pick up this gross bag like so as to carry it over to the bench and then write the note like you made it worse on yourself because you interacted with the bag so as to do this

passive-aggressive thing yeah yeah that's pretty that is that's somebody who is at the end of their rope i would say that is that's turned up that's turned up to 11 i would never do that i have been annoyed i see that i mean it still happens you know again if i'm not if i'm not grabbing my garbage can right away and it's getting more difficult because they're being um less regular as it were as far as collecting my garbage bin uh-oh it's just i mean it's been picked up but they've been giving me some anxiety because it used to be that all three bins were emptied by about 9 or 9 30 in the morning and now the first two bins yard waste and recycling are are uh taken care of right away but then the black garbage bin for whatever reason different you know different trucks different route they're being picked up sometime in the late afternoon so my bin is out there all day collecting more and more garbage of people just passing on the street and then I start to worry if the truck doesn't come up then not only am I living with my own garbage for another week but all these other people's as well including dog poop but for the most part everything's been working out fine I need to I need to stop feeling anxiety about this you do but what if you I'm sure

they make this i mean you've helped me today with this cough button that i didn't know existed someone must make a little like record like a device you can record your voice into that's also either motion activated or just something as simple as it's like something is depressed when the lid is down yeah and then when people open the garbage it just says don't put your stuff in here or you know yeah don't put your dog poop in here just a recording of your voice or like protected by Viper please stand back yeah I like that yeah oh yeah who's the voice on Viper again it's Daryl Issa very right this is very awful politician from California invented that and is the voice of protected by Viper please stand back always forget that um or

the old SNL bit just my voice saying I'm gonna put my evil inside you if they open up the

don't put your evil inside me don't put your evil inside

me

I think this is, you're right, Luke, you know what? The answer was there all along, and instead of just dealing with it, all I did, it was so simple.

Deceptively simple. You buy a device, you record yourself saying, don't put your evil inside me. Set it up every week in your garbage cans. And, you know, I mean, it's just, I can't believe you didn't arrive at this conclusion yourself. But that's what I'm here to do, to help.

It is embarrassing that I didn't think of it. Do you have any ideas of what we should go out with today?

Well, I do like Simon and Burb-Funkle. Oh, yeah, as a show title. As a show title? Is there a Simon and Gar-Funkle song that you like?

That's a good idea. What about, what were we saying? I only wrote There Are No. Oh, There Are No, Trevor's and ZZ Top. What do you think is the better show title, the Simon and Bar-

Burb-Funkle? I don't know. What do you think?

I don't know. I'll make up my mind after the show. Okay, so we just played I Am a Rock the other day, so we won't play that. How do you feel about The Boxer? I mean, I'll let you pick anything you want. I'm just throwing these out here. Could we do this? This is a little corny.

This is a little. Yeah, let's do that. I was going to suggest St. Judy's Comet by Paul Simon. It's a sweet song. I don't know. It's not going to pump up any jams, but it's nice. So maybe we can play that. Okay, yeah. So this is Paul Simon. He goes solo. It's Paul Simon.

I've never heard this, I don't think.

I used to sing this to Addie when she was a kid, when she would go to bed. And I would, yeah, try to get through this story without crying No, but I would, you know, switch up the lyrics to be a little more relevant to her But anyway, I've always loved this song

When you were giving your dinner, did you ever sing Oh, I know you're hungry Because that's what I sing to the cats

Anyway I also, I really enjoyed your tweet about asking your cats Oh, yeah, I do like to do that They don't If they're enjoying it The look on Banana's face is just classic Also, have you ever followed up with a, did anyone leave room for dessert? Right.

Well, I think what I, because what I do say to the cats, well, what I always say to the cats is, are you still working on that while they're, while they're eating their food? Because they're, these cats are animals, Luke. I don't know if you know that about cats, but they're animals. And these are like two very food motivated cats. Like they start to get hungry. Both of them. Now they start to get hungry and kind of obnoxious and like circling around with like this high anxiety hunger starting about two hours before food time so then by the time at six o'clock we feed them i put their two bowls down and like they almost want to take my hands off as i'm putting the bowls down they just say cannot get to the food fast enough and for some reason they think it's a race and for bananas i think it is a race because then she'll sometimes push theo out of the way and try to get his.

food so um so they're just both like just gobbling up their food as fast as possible and then i like to say to them the least favorite thing that a server can say to me which is are you still working on that because there's something about like i wasn't working i was just enjoying a meal like i think we've talked about that before right i just hate that phrase like are you still working on that and especially like when you're like left with a plate of fries and yeah you're still nibbling on them and yes you're thinking yeah i probably shouldn't be eating these fries but then somebody coming along and saying are you still working on that just really makes me feel bad

about everything i also think you know uh the message to the waiters is we're less troubled by having a finished plate in front of us than we are by having to make the decision of if we're going to eat the last third of whatever it is working on you know what i mean like i guess the thought is waiters are trained to like make sure you're never they're never sitting in front of a a plate of food that they're now done with.

Well, I got to say, this is maybe where I'm hypocritical because, like, while I don't like the phrase, are you still working on that? And for me, it really is the phrase working on that. I actually, and I think this was kind of social engineering, growing up with a family, like, that felt very strongly that dirty plates don't sit in front of you. And so, actually, it is a huge pet peeve of mine to be sitting there with dirty plates once we're done eating, especially if it's kind of a nicer place and everybody's kind of sitting around And like it's that moment after the meal where you're like, you know, maybe having cocktails or just or coffee and chatting. But like dirty plates are still just like littered in front of you in the table. This is the time when you should be able to like have the plates cleared. You should be able to lean forward on the table a little bit, lean into the conversation. I hate having dirty plates in front of me.

Huh. OK. See, it doesn't bother me as much as I don't like during the meal having to make a painful decision about if I want to eat that last, you know. Yeah. Few bites of something. And so to me, I guess if the tradeoff is I have a plate a little bit longer, that doesn't bother me as much as just being in that painful position of being like, I don't know, seven fries, you know, that whole thing.

I think the perfect phrase is you come over and you say to the entire table, you don't look at one person and their plate and say, are you still working on that? You say to the entire table, are there any plates you'd like me to clear? Right. and that way maybe some of them are like kind of shared plates if it's that kind of place you know like that's just a nice way and you can say oh yeah you can take this sometimes i'll actually even say to a server like hey can you take this away from me because i'm going to keep eating these french fries if they sit here and i don't well that's why when i was a server my thing was

i'd come up to the table and i would just say wow all of that

Where do you put it? One night. Exactly. All right. St. Judy's Comet it is.

St. Judy's Comet is how we're going to go out. And we're going to say thank you for listening. And we'll be back here tomorrow with more Imaginary Radio for you. Until then, have a great Wednesday. Stay safe. Mask up. And please remember, no mountain too tall. And good luck to all.

Oh boy, do you know what time it is? Well, the hour of your bedtime's long been past. And though I know you're fighting it, I can tell when you rub your eyes, you're fading fast. Oh, fading fast. Once you run, come see St. Judy's comet, roll all across the skies. Leave a spray of diamonds in its way. I long to see St. Judy's comets sparkle in your eyes when you awake, oh, when you wake, wake. Little boy, won't you lay your body down? Little boy, won't you close your weary eyes? Ain't nothing flashing but the fireflies Well I sang it once and I sang it twice I'm gonna sing it three times more Gonna stay till your resistance is overcome Cause if I can't sing my boy to sleep Well, it makes your famous daddy look so dope. It looks so dope.

Poop, buddy, scoop, scoop. Poop, poop. Power out.