Muse

Your Honor, this guy has been making bootleg Simpsons merchandise. Bart Scampson. He is quite a scamp.

Scampson. Bart Scampson. Ska? Like the music? Ska? Ska. Ska. I just thought it was scamp misspelled.

You don't know ska? In all your education, you've got to go to law school and everything and judge school or whatever it is you go to and you don't know the word ska? Welcome to America, friend.

I do not have a problem in general with bootleg Simpsons merchandise, but this is the worst pun ever. It's a thinker. You've got to think about it.

TBTL. For the next little while, it's going to be you and me together alone. I want you to lock the door and turn the phone off and really concentrate on what we're going to do.

Who do you see when you look in the mirror?

Daffy Duck. I have a picture of him taped to my mirror.

Okay, what do you see next to Daffy Duck?

Ryan Gosling. Hey, Lloyd! Do some delivery for the truck to the airport!

I'm sorry, but when I hear an undeserved compliment, it makes my ears want to throw up. Oh, your ears are always throwing up about something.

We'll walk that fine line between cutting-edge irreverence and trouble with the Federal Communications Commission.

All right, hello, good morning, and welcome, everyone, to a Wednesday edition of TBTL, the show that just might be too beautiful to live. Ready to laugh and drop until your socks come off? My name is Luke Burbank. I am your host.

They were trying to say I was drunk. I drank eight beers yesterday. That was all I drank.

Coming to you from the Hollywood Broadcast Center in Portland, Oregon, where, as this is being released to the world, I think it's a kind of partly sunny, partly cloudy day. I mean, this is a new frontier for us. First of all, the very idea that I decide to announce the weather at the beginning of this podcast each day, considering people may listen to this a week from now, a month from now, like you almost couldn't, if you were trying, if you were in a laboratory of boringness or a laboratory of irrelevance. You're trying to come up with something that's not useful to people. I would say giving the exact weather on a podcast at the time of the recording of the podcast is pretty high up there. But I'm not even in Portland as you're hearing this. No, I'm down in Los Angeles. California got sunshine. We are pre-recording today's episode of the program. So what you just heard at the top of the show was me on a Tuesday speculating about how I thought the weather might be in Portland on a Wednesday even though I am down in California. That, my friends, is how you start a podcast. This, my friends, is how you tell people what episode you're on. 3,566 in a collector's series. Let the fun begin. This podcast, of course, has been here all of these years. Really, I think, to some degree, because of the strong early days of the program. We really used to just have all kinds of hit segments. Many of them, though, now have fallen by the wayside, but I want to bring one back today, and that is the famous rants and raves segment. You might think, oh, is that where you, Luke, you have some rants and some raves, some original thoughts that you'd like to present to the listeners? No, we're doing what we used to do in the olden days of TVTL. I just happen to have the Seattle Times Rants and Raves column here. I don't know what was going on in my life yesterday that I was this deep into the far below the digital fold of the SeattleTimes.com. But I got to the Rants and Raves section and there was actually some quality ranting and raving in there. So we're going to read those. We've also gotten a lot of feedback from the listeners about some Oreo hacks.

Holy shit snacks.

Ways to enjoy Oreo cookies without getting your fingers in the milk. I have now famously said on this show, my fingers are just made out of me. That's been a viral tweet going around the last couple of days. Oh, and also, if we have time, the story of some Oasis fans, or at least Oasis cover band fans. a cover band called Noasis was playing a pub slash inn in North Yorkshire a couple hundred miles I think northwest maybe of London and it snowed a lot they got stuck there, they had to sleep on the floor of the pub and it just turned into a long multi-day party

there's a Hidden Valley Ranch party in my mouth

although we're hearing from our one British listener that this is a bunch of bollocks yeah I speak British casually I mean I can get around I can say putting that in the boot is bollocks I can say that you know what though I wouldn't be anywhere without the help of this young man my dear friend and colleague the longest running co-bro of the show may be best known for his depictions of the tall ships he has an airtight system for co-broing this program just study it out and you'll see that's what he does every day studies it out he's Andrew Walsh and he's joining me right now from the Roosevelt neighborhood of Seattle Washington good morning my friend good morning just to

close out a few more things here. In Cleveland today, looking to be highs of 46, lows of 43. Cloudy most of the day on Wednesday. In Denver, nice sunny day out there. 71 during the day, but lows of 44 at night. And of course, for our friends in Milwaukee, it will be cloudy with a 15% chance of rain today on Wednesday with highs of 51 and lows not too far behind at 46 degrees. We actually have

we have more tape than you would expect of cleveland weather people having problems i have a couple of files here i have cleveland weather guy losing it should we hear what that one sounds like this is a browns related one too right okay maybe but then there's also i think a cleveland weather guy who's mad at the um at the at the um the cavaliers maybe this isn't the first one uh let's see if we can find this of course not breaking i thought in the first quarter folks we

were going to have another one of those games not a lot of calls and a lot of hacking going on yeah this sounds like the cavaliers been on and frankly in the first quarter golden state could have gotten away with this hey lebron you want to get to the basket uh-uh no way but let's face it folks after the first quarter it was all about the calves and their shooting performance and did you know that J.R. Smith and Shumpert made four more shots than I did in tonight's game. This is what they were playing with tonight. This is what they were playing with tonight. Not basketballs, but bricks. But that's our team. You know what? We have good days and bad days, and we're going to bounce back.

Wow. Okay. I thought he was going full der's there for a minute, but then he got the nose up. He said we have good days and bad days. Well, thank you for that. Thanks for the update on the Cleveland, Denver, and Milwaukee weather. I think we've covered all the cities that we're not in today, Andrew, and that we're definitely not in tomorrow, which is when this will be airing.

Well, those are – Hot start to the show. Just so you know, that is – those are Wednesday forecasts there.

So just so you know, I did have – we're looking ahead. I did, for the record, glance at my weather app to find out – let me just tell you what was really happening, Andrew. I, because I love to play this audio drop, assumed that because it's the Pacific Northwest that tomorrow, here in Portland, it was going to be not dry.

Didn't know you like to get wet, though.

So I was going to say at the top of the show, it's raining here in Portland, but as you're hearing this, but guess what, I'm in Los Angeles where it's...

California, got sunshine.

...73 degrees. But then I glanced at the weather app for Portland tomorrow, and it's also going to be sort of nice-ish in Portland. It's going to be partly sunny. So it really threw my whole audio drop system off and just kind of threw everything into a chaotic state. Speaking of chaotic states, Andrew, I am I'm dealing with some stuff here at my new apartment building, and I'm trying to figure out if it is, in fact, email worthy. And by email worthy, I mean, like, is it worth me sending a note to the leasing office, the people that are kind of in charge? I am not talking, by the way, about the camera, the surveillance camera that's positioned just outside my apartment door. No, this is a couple of other things, and I wanted to get your opinion on this because you have a history with frustration around how people are parking their vehicles, and that's one of the issues, and then there's another one that I feel is just about common courtesy, okay? So let me lay the first one on you. The parking space that I have assigned to me in this building, they're very serious about the parking situation. My old building, it was kind of a free-for-all. There weren't assigned spaces. People would, I think, probably sneak their friends in sometimes because there was just this kind of like scanner that would get you in and out of the gate. It was a bit of a mess. This one, the good part is you just have your spot. So if someone's in your spot, there's trouble. In fact, what they tell you to do is call the towing. They give you the number for the towing people. But apparently the leasing office is not allowed to call a tow truck on someone who's parked in the wrong spot. Wow. Wow. So they give you the nuclear option, but they won't do it themselves. I wonder if it's because they don't want to be liable in some way, like if they've messed up. Again, I like the management here, the folks that run this place. They all seem like they're pretty nice, so I'm into it. This is not the beginning of a year of me complaining about this place. But there are two things that have happened that kind of irked me, and I'm wondering what my response should be.

So just starting the other day in a parking space that's essentially opposite to my parking space. So like across the driveway, if you will. I mean, it's an underground parking garage. You can imagine what it looks like. On one side, you have my space. On the other side, you have this other one. Somebody just bought a fairly large pickup truck. not a canyon arrow not a pickup truck that's you know like you know comically large but it's not a small vehicle and the problem is because the vehicle i think because the vehicle is new or because this person is just not great with depth perception or parking again i the reason i know it's new is because it still has those plates that are from the dealership it still says ron tonkin like it's got a paper instead of the real license plate it's just got like an advertisement i think because they're very into this truck and they don't want to ding it up not only is the truck kind of long but they are not they are backing it only to within about three feet of the cement wall so first of all they're doing that move where they back their truck in which i don't know why that bothers me but when i'm out in the world and people are backing their trucks into parking spots it just seems weird to me like what do you what do you are you shoplifting do you why do you need to escape that quickly there's something machismo about that that i've never quite been able to put my finger on but not only are they backing their truck in but they're too afraid to just actually back their truck all the way up to the edge of where the cement wall is because they got their fancy new beautiful truck and so now the truck is so far out into the driveway, Andrew, that I almost can't park my car. I have taken photographs. I took a photograph of the distance between the back of the truck and the wall. I took a photograph on my phone of how far into the driveway the truck is. And what I'm debating between is leaving a note on the person's truck, which I plan on starting out nice if I do leave a note. The note would just say, hey, if you could make sure you're pulling your truck all the way back against the wall so that you're not hanging out into the kind of driveway area that would be great like i'm not gonna i'm not gonna be like you know those everyone wants to leave those notes and i'm not this is not a reference to your pink ink note i mean just you see this on the internet all the time there is something that people love about leaving weirdly extremely rude notes about parking like it seems

like it goes from zero to a hundred pretty fast yeah well that was the re i mean we we joke about the pink ink note and this is a note that I left on a neighbor's car that was taking up too many spots at the curb and then the neighbor had an outsized reaction when we came home later after I left the note at some point I don't know the next day or that night the neighbor came out and confronted us in a very very belligerent almost violent way and the reason I kept saying like I wrote it in pink ink was like it was a very gentle note i didn't start it by saying hey ass hat more people could park here if you didn't take up two spots you know i've written i've written things that are snarky like that before although i don't think i've ever used that exact terminology but i just remember like this is a neighbor that we lived yeah yeah next door to or is it two doors down i think it's next door um maybe it's two doors down but either way so like i knew that these are people that we would see out and about you know i didn't have a relationship with them But I knew them to see them so I wrote a nice Note that just said hey you know like what you're Probably thinking about doing here like hey just so you know Like we're trying you know we can fit more Cars here if you park you know closer To the driveway or what have you and that's Why I was like I kept on saying it was a Nice note I wrote it in pink ink

Right so I that's Kind of the model that I'm that I'm Considering following which is just to leave a note that Says like hey can you you know hey If you could just back all the way into the space that'd be Really helpful I will admit to you that it bothers me that it's a truck for some reason i mean i live in the heart of portland oregon this truck i promise you will never do a day of honest labor in its life yeah of course this truck will never have boulders dropping into the back in slow-mo while a bob seger song plays or whatever is happening during the commercials i see primarily during football watching this truck is gleaming and again the person driving it is not only are they not some kind of rough outdoor character who's just got this working truck, they're afraid to put the truck within three feet of the wall because they might dent it or something. So that all plays into my annoyance. You don't have a Bryan Cranston voiceover saying,

you need to get the kids to school with this giant truck. Does he do the VO for some of that stuff?

He does.

Yeah, it's the Breaking Brad. That's the Brad.

Brad Garrett sitcom, right?

They launched it at the exact wrong time, Breaking Brad. Everybody loves Raymond. Let me see what ads he does because I can't remember, but they're omnipresent. Oh, he's Ford. He's the new Ford guy.

I can't believe I haven't noticed that yet.

I feel like I'm very tuned in to VO and I'm very tuned in to Bryan Cranston. He's been doing it for several years now. My guess is you just didn't notice. because we took the truck that helped build this country and made it so it can power our homes

we took the vehicles businesses i've definitely seen and heard this commercial i just never never made now now i can hear now i hear the cramps anyway um so i guess my question to you andrew is do i start with a note to this person or do i send an email to the management saying hey, could you ask the person in this spot to please pull their car all the way back? Where do I start?

This is an interesting question because I would usually say, yeah, leave a note. Leave a nice note, you know? But you saw what happened when I tried leaving a nice note. See, example mentioned moments ago.

Honestly, I will take this person. I will throat punch them. I am spoiling for a fight. So if they really, if they want to do that, Andrew, let's dance.

I will say this. You've mentioned this thing. I don't know if we ever discussed it, but you mentioned it in passing on the show before. I forgot about your thing about people backing up. That, I can't walk down that path with you. I don't see that as a— It doesn't bother you. No, people can—I mean, what bothers me is if people, you know, park in a rude way that affects others. But just having somebody park back in, like, I don't know, it's just some people just do that.

Start looking, but here's the thing. Start looking for it now and notice the car, the vehicles that do it. Next time you're in a parking lot with a kind of wide variety of vehicles, there is a culture around backing giant lifted trucks into spots in parking lots where everyone else is just pulling in normally. And I don't think it's so much about the size of the truck. I think it's about a mentality. I think you will notice that Black Rifle Coffee Company and other signifiers, I mean, there's a bumper sticker, but that's also like a weird like MAGA gun rights coffee thing. Like you will if you start looking for it, you will notice that there is a certain kind of person who wants to back their truck into the spot. And it is mostly it's overrepresented in terms of people whose worldview doesn't agree with mine is my anecdotal observation on the matter.

Well, as long as they're between the lines and not getting in my way, God bless them. I'm like, I don't really care. That's a fair point. But no, I mean, if the truck is in the way, I'm actually, I don't have a good answer for you. Let me send you a picture, by the way. I mean, do you want to see my head explode? I mean, I think I'll just rage.

Well, no, maybe, Andrew, maybe it's not as bad as I'm making it seem.

Can I tell you, where was this? What social media site was I on? Space Hay? I have been playing around. How are we doing over there? Pretty good. We have almost 140 people in the pod in our TBTL group on Space Hay. Oh, I actually I tried to get this across. It's kind of hard to talk to people on Space Hay if they're not already following you. But if you have sent me a Space Hay friend request and it looks like I deleted it or ignored it, feel free to hit me up and send me a note. I think I'm getting like some eggs, you know, like they're not eggs on Space Hay. But, you know, I think I'm getting some bots and I may even be getting some people who, you know, we're just who don't have any idea who I am or what TBTL is, who are just looking to, I don't know, create more followers on Space Hay. So I was I've been rejecting some friend requests, but it would break my heart if I were to do that to a listener. But before I look at this photo, I'm not quite ready to look at this yet. I will say I saw a photo that was I mean, I need to get off social media. It made my blood boil and that was the purpose of it. Somebody had taken a photo of a car that they just had to caption something like, it's the holiday season. There's not one empty parking space in this entire lot at the store I'm at. And look how this a-hole parked. And as he was doing it, he gave me the – I was taking a photo and he gave me the double middle fingers. And there was one of those guys – and actually, in this case, I think he was backed in, although I'm not entirely sure. It was just a car, but it was one of those things where it was parked perfectly right on the line, taking up exactly two spots so that nobody could park next to this car and potentially ding it. And not only did this person apparently get caught in the act of doing it, but when the person who took this photo either said something, I think they said something because the driver is not in the photo, just the car. but the claimant says that the person when confronted just flicked them off and kept walking or flipped them off maybe depending on what part of the country you're from which is like that mentality I will never get oh yeah this truck is sticking out way way way way way way way

too far management go to management management i think so management uh please uh management management first and then if it doesn't then maybe start leaving your own notes but i feel like i don't know i just i don't know why seeing this gave it but i think that management would have to agree that this is a problem for everybody and they should right and by the way it may have already been brought to their attention so yeah but maybe that's good too that's a good point if a bunch of other people are complaining about it you want me to write a note send me the address

what do you have how much pink ink do you have i mean because the other problem i mean it's like i feel like if i it's funny because i just you just heard you just heard the my inner sort of aggressive nature burble up when we when when you mentioned how your neighbor had confronted you and kind of made it physically menacing and then i went to oh let's see if this person who drives this truck who i've never seen i don't know what the person you know how big they are you know anything about them but i was like oh yeah let's go you want to actually fight about this by the way no one is physically around me but my thought is if i leave a note and then first of all it immediately narrows it down to probably me because i am the car that is most affected because the problem is in order to pull into my parking spot i need to have use of the of the the roadway if you will the parking way that's in front of my parking spot otherwise i kind of can't get in i can still do it but it takes a lot of concentration now and it takes a lot of concentration to get out because as i'm backing out of my parking spot because i'm not somebody who backs into their spot like a some kind of a maniac for me to back out of my parking spot is also a bit challenging because i get like two feet out into the lane and there's this truck

looming so yeah no this is this would be a total pain this is one of those you know uh garages where, you know, it looks like the spaces are relatively comfortable, but you have the pillars between every few spaces, which make that, you know, it's a challenging environment to park in. And then you have this, as you said, Luke, asshat, who's driving it. I mean, well, this is where you and I carry our baggage, right? And we're making a million judgments that we don't really know about, but I'm happy to roll with it here. Whoever is driving this truck doesn't need a truck this big to drive around the city. You just don't. You know what I mean? Well, that's the other thing. Look at the truck in the background of this photo. Can I use this photo as a show pic, or is this too much? We don't see a license plate, by the way. Is it okay? Right. I think it's okay. I mean, I'm a bad judge of these things. Look at the truck in the background. It's a little bit smaller, or if it's smaller, maybe it's not smaller, but it's totally, it fits into the space pretty nicely. But you can tell, that's a working truck. That is a truck that is going out, and whoever is driving that needs that truck.

Sure. And that's, I've said this, I think, on the show before. I certainly have tweeted it out. But there is also a very, in my experience, a very interesting relationship between the size of truck and if it's a working truck or not, because a lot of the folks, not all of them, but a lot of the folks who are really doing a lot of the physical labor in our society are driving trucks. And sometimes those trucks are smaller than you'd think. It could be a Datsun. It could be just a Ford Ranger, but like an older one. And then those things will just be full. They'll be like a hot water heater, eight pieces of sheetrock. it's all like tied down through some elaborate rope system and you see that person driving that truck uh because they're using it to do their work you know and then the bigger the truck gets i think i wrote this on twitter the more likely it is to be driving someone to volleyball like those that's what seems to happen again it's it's counterintuitive because you think the bigger the truck the the harder the work that it would be doing but the other thing is here's here's the good news i guess for everyone this truck can live in this parking garage you know happily and in harmony with everyone else the driver just needs to stop being so scurred of scratching their beautiful truck and just park it all the way against the wall that will solve the problem it'll still stick out a little bit but it'll be a lot less pronounced to me there's something about this vehicle that and again i'm just like i am just pouring all of my own judgment and speculation into this but there's something about the idea that this vehicle that is driven to percent to present a certain amount of ruggedness is causing the problem because the person driving it is afraid of scratching it there's just some deep irony about that situation i'm with you on that

um i'm a little distracted because i made a pretty big mistake here that may affect us going forward in me clicking on this and i saved the photo and then i went to delete your email because I'm done with it now. I accidentally marked it as spam. You just marked me as spam. I just marked you as spam. I'm actually surprised it's taking you this long. Did this person really write this message? Is it just spam or does it look suspicious? I'm trying desperately to undo it. There's no undo. Now everything that I get from...

You they're going to think is Spam and I've been I think In an attempt to undo I've hit I've reported this as spam like five To seven times now did you just

Send me into the forbiddens have you sent me Into wherever it is that Terrence stamp and the other Baddies from Superman to end up when They're in that plane of glass is that Called the forbidden zone I don't know what it's

Called but I do work like do you ever Send me emails that are important for me to look At because that might be a that might be a Problem in our work I actually don't that Oh, just the show sheet every single day.

Superman 2. I'm obsessed with trying to figure out what that thing was called. Phantom Zone.

I'm surprised you can still use the internet. So you can still use the internet even after I just marked you as the world's number one spammer?

It takes about 10 minutes for the servers to figure it out.

So I've got about 10 good minutes left here. Okay, you know what? I'll shut up. Do you want to pause the show? You should do all the internetting you can possibly do in the next nine minutes now. Okay, I'm going to Google something now. What to do.

when your upstairs balcony neighbors clearly are smokers. So that's the second. That's the second. Well, I believe there is. Becca, who lives in a different building that has lots of balconies, said in her building, you're not allowed to smoke on the balcony. And I know this to be the case because every time I'm walking in or out of it, there is a smoker area, and I see people out there smoking their cigarettes and reading their Kindles or whatever, even though they all live in apartments that have balconies and you know you could call me very snowflakey on this but i actually think that that rule is sort of reasonable i have a little balcony here it's it's big enough for one chair and my tiny barbecue and it's been unseasonably warm here in portland as i've been mentioning and so the other night i was excited it was a nice night and i was just going to go sit out there on the balcony and just have a nice little outdoor moment and as soon as i sit down i just all i can smell is cigarette smoke and it's just wafting i assume from the balcony above me uh it could be two balconies above me but it just seems like that would be pretty far away i think the person above me is a smoker so then last night so i have to go back inside because i don't like sitting in someone else's cigarette smoke it's not nice it's not relaxing it's not giving me the feeling outside that i want to have so then last night it was also warm I was getting a little amped watching the Seahawks and so I open my window same thing cigarette smoke pouring in and I have to close the window because I don't want my apartment to smell like cigarette smoke I have also become hypersensitive as I think a lot of us have you know we used to just all live bathed in cigarette smoke whether we were smokers or not it just was everywhere you never noticed it and then they got rid of it and now it's like it's like a drop of blood in the water and i'm a shark and the parts per million doesn't matter because it could be one tenth of one part per million but i'm noticing it you know like and and the thing is if you're a smoker and now it's like the two times i've tried to use the outdoor space either through opening the window or through being on my porch there's been cigarette smoke so my guess is there's a chain smoker who lives upstairs from me and of course they're going out to their balcony All the time and again there would have been A time when I would have been like I don't know it's outside What are you going to do but I'm now so Spoiled of not having to smell Cigarette smoke that I'm Wondering if this is a thing that I should also Report to the management well I'm pretty

Strongly on the record I think that People should never be allowed to Smoke on their own outside Porches you vape though that's Totally different I'm not joking do you Not remember that we went through like a three Month drama about me being so put off in los angeles oh in la i thought you were talking about in the roosevelt neighborhood i was remember that and i was just like yes i'm just like this is outside and yes it was a little courtyard and yes there wasn't like high wind so i understand that like me smoking on the second floor and there was nobody above me but me smoking on my small little balcony which you never saw that apartment but you know side you know you could put a little little outdoor card table out there in a couple of chairs and that was about it and then some bougainville that was kind of nice that would be growing over the above i know it was really fun that grew in the

northwest it's just like my one of my favorite plants but that was anyway that was my whole

thing when i was a smoker then and i was just appalled that my neighbor slash building manager who was like across the um across the courtyard for me from me was saying that i was not allowed to smoke on my own balcony and i was incensed about it i was absolutely incensed i was like this is outside so then like and you know the difference being that in order to now go smoke a cigarette i would have to essentially kind of get dressed not super dressed but like they were he was saying that like i can't just like walk outside in my slippers or whatever and smoke a cigarette on my balcony i would have to put on shoes tramp downstairs go outside one locked gate make sure i have my keys smoke my cigarette in the alleyway, then come back, which I eventually did, but I was pretty pissed about it. Now, as a non-smoker, you know, and everything you just said is something I've been thinking about for a long time, too. Like, even when I was a smoker, and even in L.A., I was a pretty light smoker, you know, let's say five cigarettes a night and none during the day. We live in such a smoke-less society now that I swear, there were times, Luke, I remember them vividly, I would be trapped in traffic, crawling along, heading back home, heading west on the 10, and I could smell if somebody, a car, several car lengths ahead of me would light a cigarette. I'd be like, well, I guess that's good that nobody in this traffic jam is smoking except for that one person because I could smell when they lit a cigarette up. So, you know, I think that as a non, you know, I mean, that's one of those things I try not to be hypocritical on the show, but I also think growth is not necessarily the worst thing. I'm also highly embarrassed about that time because I know that we had those we're kind of new on APM at that time. And we're kind of getting some new listeners who I think some were along for the ride of the smoking thing. But I think some found it like really obnoxious and way too long of a drama. But anyway, so I don't know how I feel about your situation, honestly, because I kind of agree with you. Like, I don't love that. I don't. It's kind of funny. Sometimes I'll pass somebody smoking and it'll just hit me the right way on the wind and it just smells so good. Not that I want one, but it'll just smell good. But I don't mean you don't want to have to, you know, you're opening your windows. And I'm sure this is exactly what my landlord was talking about or my building manager. He doesn't want to open his windows in L.A. where all the windows are open anyway. And it smells like a chimney in there Worse than a chimney really I understand that now as somebody who doesn't smoke But I also want to be careful just remembering My you know I call it My human rights charge of 2015 of my right to smoke On my balcony But yeah

The irony like you mentioned though the irony is I don't actually hate the smell of cigarette smoke Universally like it's not at all times As a kid I kind of liked it I also like the smell of gasoline which explains a lot about my forgetfulness on this show but like i'm not it's not like if i smell if i'm out with my friends and i'm you know walking into the casino and we're going to the smoking station i'm not freaking out or if i'm going into a bar and some people are or if i'm walking into becca's place and someone's smoking a cigarette outside i'm not it does not bother me in the words of uh it does not bother me kids the kids in the oh yeah i was i was combining um the That lovely older gal that I think Lived near some listeners with the kids from the Junery martial arts commercial Which was nobody bothers me But it does not bother me The smell except In the moments that it does and And that's why I'm a little Bit but then again if I were a smoker And I were renting an Apartment that had a balcony and I were On a relatively high floor This is a much smaller building than the one I used to live in But still it ain't Like, these people are above me. It ain't like they're on the first floor. Like, they can just walk outside. It's like, it's a trip. They would have to go walk down a kind of long hallway, get in an elevator, go to a lobby, go outside and smoke their cigarette. Like, that would not be fun. And if I were in their shoes, I would be like, the reason I rented an apartment with a balcony is so I can go sit outside and have my cigarette when I want to and not take, you know, an incredible journey to do that. So it's like, I can kind of understand that argument. Maybe they just – maybe I just need to ask them to get a fan to blow it straight up. Also, Andrew, what if the person smoking is also the person who owns the truck? I don't think we have any hope of being friends if this is the same person.

You know, I mean I think the most reasonable thing I can say here, which isn't really helpful to you, I think that if you really do see it to be an issue and if it is invading your space – and maybe this is me just kind of admitting that maybe I was wrong in L.A. And but I do think it's a complicated thing because there is something about like, you know, hey, this is my space. I'm outside. You know, we can't smoke indoors anymore. We just, you know, smokers can't smoke indoors. It just sort of felt like really now I can't smoke on my porch. It really felt like an F you. But I mean, if I'm being here, it is it's six, seven years later. And if I'm being honest, like I understand, like you want to be able to open your windows without having the smoke come into your apartment, which is a different deal. I think really what we need to start doing is if we're smokers, figure out what the smoking rules are before you move in. Now, there's a chance that those rules changed once you're already in there. And that might be aggravating. If you've been living somewhere for two years, then suddenly there's a new rule. But, I mean, we live in a society where people are smoking less and less because of the rules, which I, you know, I mean, I'm old enough that when I was a heavier smoker, keep in mind, even when I was smoking for a long, long time as an adult, It was mostly just cigarettes at night. I had given up the idea of waking up and smoking a cigarette. I hadn't done something like that since college, probably.

But, you know, in college, when I was a heavy smoker, a huge part of my, I guess, social time or just me time was going to a coffee shop with a Kurt Vonnegut book and a pack of cigarettes and, you know, parking there and drinking, drinking coffee and smoking and reading my book. And then, you know, the laws changed and I'm talking about Ohio in the late 90s and then said you can't smoke indoors anymore. And I was just like, you know, you know, I'm not really known for my libertarian streaks, but I was appalled. It's like, what are you talking about? Like if businesses if if customers don't want to be able to smoke indoors, the businesses will suffer that don't provide it. Like let the market dictate. That was how dare you might take on the issue for the longest time as well. Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, and you weren't even a smoker. And for me, it was like, I'm supposed to sit in a coffee shop and just drink coffee without smoking? Like, have you ever even seen a Bergman film? I don't know if that's a good reference or not. I actually haven't seen a Bergman film. But you know what I mean? Like, it just seemed bizarre and stomping on my freedoms. And, of course, now I realize, yeah, no, it's good that we're not allowed to smoke indoors in restaurants and coffee shops. And it's good. And I eventually stopped smoking. And certainly it was those laws and even the stricter rules regarding most rental properties that got me to cut down from, say, 20-ish cigarettes a day to five because it was the inconveniences in life and potentially saving not just potentially my life but other people's lives. So, yeah.

Or can the person who lives above me just get a Ronco smokeless ashtray? I remember Genevieve literally offered to try that in L.A. Here's an ad from 1981. And it's YouTube. It'll probably sound terrible on my system, but take a listen.

Are you bothered by smoke from someone else's cigarette or cigar? Does smoke irritate your eyes? Put an end to this unpleasantness with the amazing new smokeless ashtray by Ronco. The special vacuum system automatically draws inoffensive smoke, locking it into the filter chamber where it's trapped. This incredible ashtray actually helps clear the air you breathe. The smokeless ashtray is by Ronco. Great Christmas.

New for cars. It just showed a woman who had flashcards from new for cars, a woman who had one in her car. So it's like, I don't know what it was. Just balance there. The cup holder, maybe, or maybe where the normal ashtray was supposed to go. She had the Ronco smokeless ashtray resting in it, so she could just, boy, that's a real blast from the past, that one. I mean, to be honest, though, like, that's not the worst. There's probably better technology than that. You know what it must be? I mean, in other words, I think you could get something like that now that would probably actually do a pretty good job. But you know what? I think the issue is there are not enough people smoking. I mean, that's that there aren't enough people smoking. There are probably not enough people smoking cigarettes to make something like that commercially viable because so much of it has migrated to vaping or people have just stopped altogether or whatever that there. You know, it is in a way quaint when someone just straight up smoking a cigarette at this point.

Yeah. I mean, those I assume those ashtrays never worked either. I mean, it's just so funny. It's like from the people that brought you the pocket fishermen, the idea that it's going to be trapping a little bit of the smoke that's coming off directly off the end of a cigarette. Or as they say, cigar, which is even more ridiculous. Well, I think most of the offensive odor comes from the big clouds of smoke that are sucked into one's lungs and then released into the air. Right. I hadn't actually thought of that. It's not a little bit of smoke coming off the tip of the cigarette. That's not great. And actually, that's probably a more pungent. It's probably a stronger smell. But, like, it's the huge clouds of smoke that are being exiled that that ashtray is not going to be doing shit about. Have you ever heard the Billy Collins poem, The Best Cigarette? No.

Is it going to get me to smoke again? Well, that's it. You can't. You're not allowed to. You are not allowed to read or hear that poem because it is it almost made me into a smoker. Part of it is just because Billy Collins is just an absolute genius in my mind. But yeah, it's basically Well, he doesn't smoke As he writes this thing But it's him kind of missing Various cigarettes that he had Over his lifetime as a smoker Anyway, alright, we gotta take a quick break here We're running late for the break What else is new? So here's what we've decided I'm gonna take a wait and see on the smoke Maybe somebody was just visiting Maybe somebody was having a stressful week Maybe our rhythms were aligning In a way that was unpleasant for both of us I'm not going to say anything or do anything about the smoke I am going to ask the Management to ask the person nicely In the spot to pull their car Their truck all the way against the wall I think that's where I'm going to leave these two things for now

Yeah I like that and then You know depending on what happens With the truck then you can start thinking About Vandalism alright let's go to the break Yeah let's do it alright quick break Then back with more TBTL in just a moment

let's thank some donors of the day these are the extremely polite these people would they always park their vehicles perfectly they always use their ronco smokeless ashtray they just do everything right and how do i know this about them andrew because they are so morally superior to the average population, that they donate to TBTL and they keep the show going. Exactly.

That's how you get them to donate again, Luke. Just butter them up.

That's right. People like Ann Minor out there in Roslyn, Washington. Yarnfolk. That's right. She's got that yarn store in Ellensburg, I believe. Yarnfolk. Roslyn, as is constantly referenced on this show when that town comes up, of course, that was the, where they actually filmed Northern Exposure. That was where the... Ah, yeah. I forget what the town in Alaska, the fictional town in Alaska is named, but they were actually filming that all out in Rosalind the whole time. And they do actually have a real bar restaurant called The Brick, which is what the Cleveland Browns, or Cleveland Cavaliers were playing with. Not basketballs, bricks. Alex Parle is in Edmonds, Washington. Could that be Parley? Could be, if I were betting on multiple events. We have an Anne, Alex, and Lauren parlay here. Yeah, that's right. If we get... God, Anne and Alex both came through. If we get Lauren Powers in Portland, Oregon, Andrew, oh, my ship's going to come in. I don't even know how to do parlays in the Oregon lottery app that I've been using all the time. I put like $100 into that thing when I started, and I'm just still trading the same $100 around, so that's kind of nice. Oh, that's interesting. I didn't know that that's how it works, but of course it does. I mean, I could theoretically take that money out as well, but this is how it goes with this stuff. You just kind of, you win some, and then you got a little more to work with, I guess. But I don't know if they let you do parlays or not, but, you know, just so I don't go full uncut gems, just so I keep a few gems cut, I probably shouldn't parlay it, or even Lauren powers it. Although, Lauren, we do really appreciate your support. Hey, Lauren.

From right here in Portland, Oregon. Is Lauren the twin? Lauren is not a twin that I know of, but she is one of the Architens. Oh, okay. We hung out with her before the Thing Festival a couple years ago. Yeah, in fact, I ran into Lauren, even though she lives in Portland now, I ran into her in a Fred Meyer parking lot a couple of weeks ago.

In Seattle?

In Seattle, Washington. Yeah, me and these were in the parking lot.

She was in her car. She was backing her truck into a spot. Locking her truck up. For Black Rifle Coffee. Lauren, I'm sorry. I shouldn't besmirch you with such things. You're great. Thank you for supporting the show. We really appreciate you. Scott Pringle is in Snohomish, Washington. Only we had a nickname. No Pringle jokes. For people from Snohomish.

Oh, yeah. I read that email from somebody who was vehemently saying they did not make that up. That was like a Snohomish high school tradition going back years calling them Snohomish. Which will kind of make sense.

yeah um colin richard is in a university city missouri you know what's in university city huh a university oh that's the city that's the city that has the university i wonder what the only i know that the well let's see the university the missouri mizzou is in obviously up it's in missouri but i don't think it's in university city it's i prefer columbia i think columbia might be the home of mizzou i wonder what university is in university city mo i don't know are you familiar with um the concept of spatula city though i certainly am and every time i take a spatula out of the dishwasher or i think i need a new spatula i was really into i think i talked about on the show but i was really into this particular kind of high-end red it's sort of plastic but it's some kind of a silicone that you know doesn't melt when you put it in the frying pan it was a spatula that a friend of me and carrie's got us um that was just like she said well i did some she's a really good cook our friend mara and she said i did some research and this is like the best spatula and it really was and it would get under anything because it was very thin at one end so you just you could and i'm a bad cook so everything i was cooking was always probably overcooking and having problems this spatula saved my life but every time i thought about the spatula i thought of the spatula city sketch we just watched um do you know about

the sapoon by the way um no it sounds like a joke right what is that um by the way a couple of things here okay We did just watch UHF on Thanksgiving. We had some friends over, and it just seemed like the perfect. I think YouTube recommended it for us for free, so we just watched it. And then, so I wanted to tell you about that. UHF still mostly holds up. Love it. And then the sapoon, which reminds me of that skit from Key and Peele, where the guy is very excited about his continental breakfast. And at one point he says, what is this? A fork and a spoon It's a So that's a joke And then thirdly, there is something called a Suppoon, which is kind of a It's somewhere between a spatula and a spoon And it's got kind of a, if you look it up S-U-P-O-O-N It's got kind of a kink in the handle That it's like the perfect thing Spatula with the kink in the handle Could hit the high C King of the tuk-tuk sound It's designed So that you can get things out of jars this came up a lot of listeners let me know about this when i was saying it's really impossible to get uh the last bits of peanut butter out of a jar before you recycle it sapoons i'm looking at

it right now uh fun to say even more fun to use it would appear because of its uh it's kind of um odd shape but yeah i can totally see how that would actually be really helpful well and also this sapoon the way they're the way that the some company called dream farm by the way get better dreams if you're dreaming of a sapoon but this place the dream farm sapoon their sales pitch seems to be you can place this thing on the neck of the sapoon and then it actually holds the spoon part a lot a little bit right right you know so like and it ends up being level so let's say you're pouring a little bit of extra virgin olive oil into the uh the spoon it's not at an angle Like if you were to lay a place – this is actually when you can use lay properly. If you were to lay a normal big spoon on the counter, it's kind of at an angle, the actual bowl of it, if you will. I just sent you a video.

I'll tell you what. I want you to watch that video. I don't think there's sound that goes along with it. I'm going to – well, I know we have another person to thank you. We do.

Chad Riding of Sacramento, California.

I was going to say I would do that while you watch the video, but okay.

Oh, okay.

I'm Googling University City. Oh, I already got that. It's right outside of St. Louis. The university is Washington University.

Oh, Washington University. That's really interesting because, of course, I went to the University of Washington, and there is a certain amount of confusion between Washington University. There's also Washington and Lee, which is another university that was on the list of places that I got mailers from when I was finishing up my junior year of high school. So thanks, Colin, for checking in from University City M.O. And then Chad Riding, as we mentioned, there in beautiful Sacramento, California. Thank you, Chad, for supporting the program. Thanks to all of our donors of the day. We would not be here without you. Did you want to say something before I activate it? No, I just wanted to.

At some point, I think you're going to get excited. Because one last note about the sapoon, the thing that people recommended to us was the sapoon mini, specifically to get things out of jars. Oh, sure. And I sent you a video. You can watch it on your own time if you want, but it shows you the effectiveness of a sapoon just cleaning the hell out of a, what do you call it, not a peanut butter jar, but a Nutella jar, Nutella, Nutella. Yeah. It's a very satisfying watch. I'm looking at it right now.

Everyone just take a break. Just sit in silence and let Luke enjoy this. Put that on oddly satisfying. Right? It is a Nutella jar where all of the easy-to-get Nutella has been scraped out, and all we have is what is pressed up against the edges of the jar, but thanks to the sapoon, the sit-up scraping spoon. That's where the – wait, that doesn't make sense. So you're dropping the IT from sit. You're adding in the up, and then you're getting – just skipping to the spoon in spoon, the sapoon. It is fun to say, though. It is. I have to admit. It feels mildly dirty, but it's fun to say. All right. What do you think? Let's just do the British pub goers because that story is melting rapidly, as it were. And let's do some rants and raves tomorrow, maybe. Maybe I'll find some rants and raves in the L.A. Times. I do think these are pretty good, actually. I love rants and raves, just generally speaking. And I think these ones, I'll put these in my backpack, and I'll take them down to L.A. with me. And then on tomorrow's show, we can run through them. In the meantime, let's talk about what happened out at the Tannhill Inn in Yorkshire. I think that's how you say it. Paul will correct us. I mean, you don't say Yorkshire. Like, I don't think anybody out there would say Yorkshire. I don't think so, unless I'm too New England-y. So anyway, a band called Noasis, which is an Oasis cover band. What if I thought they were a – where was I going with that? Noasis, a gnosis cover band. They're an Oasis cover band. They were playing a show at this pub that's a couple of hundred miles northwest of London. It's actually in a town called Richmond, technically, in North Yorkshire. and everyone was enjoying the noasis show vibing out the popping bottles of champagne supernova and doing all the things that are from oasis songs you can do this kind of joke in your head at home you don't need me to walk you through it but anyway they were all doing that and then they looked outside and it had snowed massively and everyone got kind of stuck there and there was about 61 people who were staying in the pub now there was an inn but those rooms were full and there were a few people that had like rvs and so i guess they they were all okay but then there were still a lot of people who just were not planning on staying the night and so uh they uh just rolled out beds and hung out in the in the pub and drank a few pints although not too many the the owner was telling people on facebook like it didn't get cray uh they watched movies i think they watched um let's see uh i have actually a list here somewhere of the movies that they watched which of course now i can't oh they watched greece uh and mama mia a couple of your faves andrew you would have been right at home they also uh played uh pub trivia they and they

sang karaoke and they were there until like uh i think it was sunday night the snow plows got to them and they they got to driveway it's a it's sort of a cute story because uh everybody it sounds like everybody kind of got along they made friends they had a lot of fun and uh the the talk is that they're going to actually reunite next year uh to celebrate this um this little um incident where they all got snowed in so that was the story that people were talking about that was the positive story but then you mentioned to me andrew that listener paul uh in england uh was giving a bit of a reality kind of check to this whole thing i think a little bit by the way do you think there

Is there any snogging going on? Oh, that's a great question. I mean, I would imagine in the rooms people were snogging. Because that's making out, right? Snogging is making out. It's more innocent. It's more innocent than shagging, I believe. Right. So snogging leads to shagging. It can. It doesn't have to.

Snog. Which can also lead to bollocksing. I know I used bollocks earlier, but there's another version of bollocksing that's, well, I mean for people that are consenting I guess Great but also I don't think that's a

Verb I don't think that's a verb I think that refers to the male genitalia Really Yes bollocks I'm pretty sure I think you're thinking of another B-U word That Refers to an intimate connection Between two people Buggering

I was mixing up my bollocks with my buggering

I'm glad I got this straightened out

Before I went to England because that's not one you want to get confused on.

No, those are the three things you plan on talking about over there, so I'm glad we're able to get them straightened up.

Who over here would love a good buggering? Buggering.

Oh. Anyway, so what is Paul saying? One thing that was also in the articles that Paul kind of will echo here is that this is not the first time it's happened at this place. I think the New York Times or maybe it was the Guardian article I read mentioned that because of where this place is, you know it's located someplace that is precarious when the storms come so this isn't this was not a unique thing although i do think the length of this day the length of the shut-in was uh unique um and let's see your paul here says if you by the way quick note directly to do it in the boris johnson accent directly uh message here to paul and a few of our other international listeners This was texted to us on the TBTL text line, 206-414-8285. That does come directly to my phone, and I try to respond as much as possible. I can't respond to everybody, but I definitely cannot respond to Paul or anybody else who's texting from the international number, just so you know. I'm not ignoring you, Paul, as you can tell because I'm about to read your text. If you do visit the topic of the pub, I have some opinions. A, this goes A through G, just to give you a sense of what's coming up. A, that pub is about 40 miles from me. That's not an opinion. B, people get snowed in there every couple of years, sometimes without electricity. C, the storm has been anticipated for over a week. See, this is where I'm starting to think that Paul's like, come on, couldn't we have made better decisions? D.

Now, can I mention something in this New York Times piece that I was reading that I believe you actually sent me, Andrew? they did mention that they expected it to be snow. snowy snow one was trying to pretend like they didn't know but that they did not understand how snowy it was going to get i don't know if that is a true story or not but it was sort of addressed that the yes the forecast was for snow but this amount of snow exceeded which i actually do think kind of bears out because i was seeing a lot of other stuff and actually the rest of this article is about how this snowstorm really kind of paralyzed england um because it it was a lot of snow for this time of year and it was more snow than people were expecting which brings us

to d we knew that the storm would dump a load of snow in that area followed by e this situation was entirely predictable followed by f the only thing worse than an oasis cover band would be

actually being stuck with oasis oh and g i'm giving that a bullocks and buggering are two

very different things no a g is power out so there you go huh now see that's i wonder if that oasis

take from paul is just a result of you know actually living in england and just i can only imagine how saturated with oasisness one is when one lives over there i think i mean first of all i just like that album and that's really the only one i know the one that's got um Wonderwall yeah Wonderwall Don't Look Back in Anger Champagne Supernova What's the Story Morning Glory I think is the name of that

oh yeah that is the name of it and also those guys were kind of unlikable right that was the thing in the 90s they were like you know they were brawlers and they're just kind of unlikable

I don't think a lot has changed about that I don't even know if they talk any more Noel and Liam Gallagher they seem to have kind of just continued to be brash angry drunk Brits who just say what's on their mind. And the thing is, it's worked out for them, right? So it's like, I guess, why would you stop if you're still kind of, you know, a couple of the biggest musical figures in that country? I guess there's no real motivation to chill out a little bit. But yeah, so I guess my point is, I'm surprised that Paul dislikes Oasis that deeply. I just thought that it was, if you live in England, You are legally obligated to love the music of Oasis To love going down to the pub for a pint And to You know have a pretty I guess hot and cold relationship with buggering These are the things that I assume define the life of most Brits Alright I thought the line had dropped

I just Let's

I love how seriously you take that word that's great It's so foreign to me that You know, it's like if somebody in another language was saying the F word or, you know, something even more kind of body or sexual, it would be bracing. But because it's a word that sounds made up to me.

Well, that's that's that's the same thing with shag and snog, too. Right. That's what I'm saying.

But that's why it's only bothering. It's only bothering our listeners in the UK and you, which makes me feel kind of impressed. It's like very British of you. Like, if it offends your core, that means that you have almost fully become British, which I just heard a great This American Life episode the other day that was a rerun. But it was Sean Cole, who I love, talking about how he spoke with a British accent for about two years in high school because he just kind of felt like he didn't have anything special going on. And that was kind of his thing. And they took him to a therapist and stuff.

Yes, yes, yes. And is part of that story – well, now I'm just asking about a story I heard like eight years ago. But is part of it too that then he tries to take that to college with him? I might be confusing my stories actually.

And there's a reason why you would though because they interwove two pieces. So they were very close together. The other was Joel Lovell who was a producer on the show at the time who when he got to college, he got into Cornell. His parents owned a liquor store in upstate New York. Vegetarian? Yep. He was the first person in his family to go to college. And when he was at college his first day meeting everyone and everyone was talking about their families and their parents, and he was starting to feel intimidated because everyone's parents were in the United Nations and judges. And one was the Knicks doctor, the doctor for the New York Knickerbockers. And his thing was, someone tried to hand him a piece of pizza with sausage, and he said, I can't eat that because. And this is the funny part. He said, because my parents are vegetarian. It wasn't even initially he's vegetarian. It was because his parents were vegetarian and then just became a whole thing. Those kinds of stories really resonate with me because I could really see myself doing that.

Yeah, I see. I mean, it was a great story, but I don't think they resonate with me in the same way because, you know, me like I was just mentioning this the other day. There's nothing I like less.

Less than feeling like I'm caught in lies or trying to juggle various truths. Well, I mean, this is maybe a more I guess you could say this is a more serious thing, but it's all it sort of is. I just saw this headline bouncing around as we're recording this today that there's some story out of I think it's like Alabama where this FedEx driver just got in trouble for repeatedly throwing all the boxes into a ravine. And they finally figured out where this person was throwing the stuff. and they tracked them there and they caught them and it's like i mean that's not funny because if it was your stuff yeah it would be a total bummer but those are the kind of stories that i also i mean again just i was the person who was dumping the north central outlook as a kid because i didn't start off dumping it i started off delivering it and then i realized no one cared about it and then i realized i could just throw it out and there would be limited blowback and um so those kinds of stories resonate with me because i very much see myself in them you and i can never apply for jobs we've said too much on this show this is well you can't i just can't this is the

last job we'll ever have together here i go once again with the email every week i hope that it's from a female no man it's not from a female all right you've got you've got cookies on the brain

buddy i do also cookies on the v-mail what is going on with this oreo chat the doctor says i

need to take care of the oreos on the brain thing i got two voicemails that are almost um well they're both letting us know about the same life hack regarding oreos and i don't know which one to play i feel like it's unfair to the other person all right um at the same time oh i can't stereo that's not what stereo means you're email me one and then we'll hit go at the same time um here

We'll just really bugger up the V-mails.

We'll go with Laura here. Hey, y'all.

It's Laura calling from Toledo.

Here's what we're going to do. I'm going to play them both, and you're going to grade which one was better. Love it.

Hey, y'all. It's Laura calling from Toledo. I was listening to your adorable story about Giannis discovering Oreos, and you guys were pondering the different ways to eat Oreos. So here's what I do. I use a fork. put the fork in the stuffing and then you can fully dip the entire oreo into the milk without your meaty fingers touching the milk and or touching turkey and then you have a fully absorbed oreo and you pull it out with the pork and then boom eat it so i don't know something I'm free to try. It's made my, it's revolutionized my Oreo eating. So enjoy. Happy holidays.

Okay. So that voicemail definitely, I think it's points. There's a smile in the voice. There's humor. There's levity. I like that. Laura sounds like she's enjoying life and Oreos, but it might lack specificity exactly how that fork goes into the cookies. That is where listener JN is going to pick things up.

Hey guys, This is listener J.M. from Springfield, Illinois, and I had to call in because of the Oreo hack. You guys probably already have heard from other people about this, but what you do is take a fork, and you put the tines of the fork inside the cream part of the Oreo, and you dip it, and that's your holder. You don't have to get your fingers in the milk. You don't have to worry about any part of the cookie not being submerged in milk. It's a game changer. as Giannis would say.

So that's good. You got a belly laugh out of this. This is JN and Laura kind of tag-teaming this one. So you just, like, you put the tines of the fork into the stuff. Or, if you're me, the double stuff.

Well, that was the thing. I saw this was tweeted at me by a couple people, including our friend Bobby. And I believe that was a double stuff, maybe, the picture that Bobby had sent me. Now, I am not a double stuff guy. So I have questions. One, can a regular stuff Oreo sustain this process? Like is there enough filling in the middle to do this with the fork? And then also, I'm going to be honest with you, I'm sure that this doesn't need to happen, but it scared me to think about biting into that Oreo with the tines of the fork in the middle of the Oreo because if you've ever, and I want to apologize to everyone, for the people that have been through this, I'm about to give you a very uncomfortable sense memory. But if you've ever had that moment where for some weird reason you bite down on the fork, you just are, your mind is wandering or somehow you, I don't know why it happens, but about once every eight years I bite down on a fork and it is awful. It is terrible. And so the idea of biting into that Oreo and...

catching a little bit of the fork i mean i guess you have to commit to eating to just eating the whole oreo in which case you could do it you dip it and then you kind of slide it off the fork and then you eat the oreo it's now fully submerged in milk i could see that process i'm also struggling

right now andrew with a cookie situation before we get into it can i just say i don't think my guess is especially if you're not double stuffing this particular one my guess is you don't need to use your teeth my guess is you've submerged this oreo so much that it's so soft that you um place it in the mouth and you remove it using you know probably your your lips uh more than the teeth unless you're sounds like you're trying to take a bite of this guy but this guy is already really

soft like this guy's right but i don't want to give into eating the entire oreo at one at a time i want to try to eat half of the oreo so that it takes me twice as long to consume the sleeve of oreos i still think lips will do it once it's dunked but okay what's your what's your cookie situation my cookie situation is i don't know four or five days ago i had a power oh you know it was i was driving home from thanksgiving and i don't know what struck me somewhere on the outskirts of portland in terms of my um uh craving but i really wanted to have some chocolate chip cookies and um part of it was that somebody sent becca some cookies like a um because of her job they were kind of sending them to her to give a review of believe it or not and she had some of them and then she had me try them she wanted to get my opinion and i thought they were pretty yummy but i had don't think i'd had like a cookie in a while and it just burrowed into my brain and i just started thinking you know what's really good cookies and so i i bought like i don't know A day or two later, I bought, like, a thing of Montauk cookies. I like them very soft. Montauk. Is it a brand? I think we've talked about this before. It's Pepperidge Farm, but it's, like, it's one of their, you know, versions. The Pepperidge Farm has a whole bunch of different kinds of cookies. Some of them are crispy. Some of them are, you know, macadamia nut. Yeah, I see.

Brazil nut. I'm looking. These are the kind. These are the Pepperidge Farm, you said, right? They come in the bags, and they also have Nantucket, but this is Montauk. Right. Okay, gotcha.

I think it was the Montauk, and I think what I like is that they're soft. I like a soft. So anyway, I got those, and then like one night I was watching some TV late at night, and I got myself a little glass of milk, which I haven't had milk in forever, but I was just like, I just was in a mood. So anyway, that started me on this road to Cookie Town. So I'm driving home, and I get off at the exit to come to my apartment, and it happens to take me right past a McDonald's. And I'm thinking, and it's like 11 o'clock at night or something, so I'm like, not much is open. I'm like, I bet you that they just sell, like, fresh-baked cookies at McDonald's. So I get in the drive-thru line, and I pull up, and I don't see them anywhere on the, like, menu. So I roll down the window, and I say to the guy, you don't sell cookies, do you? And he goes, do we ever? and I was like oh really and he goes yeah and I go uh how much are they and he starts quoting me numbers and it's like six for five but if you do eight for nine it's cheaper and I was like okay I guess I'll just get the nine like I'm not planning on eating them all that night but I mean I don't know my tendency is just towards overindulgence and then he just goes do you want the baker's dozen and I was like yeah I do want the baker's dozen so that's 13 right 13 okay um so i get up to the drive-thru window and it turns out that they really do bake these cookies on the spot because i delay the entire mcdonald drive-thru which on a saturday night at 11 o'clock i was probably the only person in the line who was had not been drinking and um the people behind me are getting a bit antsy everyone's being cool but i start to feel bad and the guy's like yeah

we're baking the cookies wow talk about fresh baked i thought maybe they were going to heat them in the microwave or do something maybe they were heating them there was something that was

taking a while and then he brings me it almost feels like a happy meal box but it's different it's more of like a um it's more of a um a hexagon maybe um it's just like this different thing but it's just for the cookies and he just gives to me it's just full of cookies and i was like oh hell yes so i brought that home and i had a couple of them that night but i've just been Working my way through this Baker's dozen for like the last However many nights it's been since the Saturday After Thanksgiving so where are we at now I'll have like two a night And then I keep thinking I'm like Homer With that foot long sub That he won't stop eating because also like I'm not preserving these cookies in some kind of tupperware they're just still in the mcdonald's like pagoda they came in and i keep thinking well this is the last night that these will be edible so i'll have like two so i'm watching tv and then the next night i'll come by and i'll be like huh i wonder if those cookies are still good and i'll go like have two more i think i've got like five left or so four left but every night i'm having my two mcdonald's cookies now i have gone years of my life not eating cookies at night and now because i have these cookies in my apartment i'm eating them every night you know which is why i don't need a better way to consume oreos is my point in all

of this i feel like it's very i have one more oreo related voicemail i'd like to play just not lose sight of that but um i find that i find it very curious and interesting that it's a baker's dozen that they go with and not just 12 which just seems i don't know it just seems like it just makes more sense for a this guy might have been freelancing no he wasn't because i'm looking it up here and i'm seeing a couple of interesting things it says a mcdonald's cookie totes you can get 13 cookies for four dollars you can mix them up if you don't all want uh four dollars and i'm looking at the little tote cookies now listen to this i wish you still had your receipts now this was nine years ago somebody posted this on reddit and they said actually according to my receipt luke those cookies are free they charge you four dollars for the tote that it comes in now that's on one receipt posted to reddit nine years ago what subreddit is this that's always interesting I can't quite figure that out. Oh, Mildly Interesting. It's on the Mildly Interesting. Tote's Good cookie deals? Yes, exactly. 13 cookie tote, $3.99. 13 chocolate chip cookies, $0.00.

I don't remember exactly how much it was, but I remember being shocked at how affordable it was. Because I was like, that seems like a really good deal for warm cookies that I can have right now. 13 of them. So I'm basically going to Well I'm going out of town for a few days So who knows when I get back these cookies may really have Kind of hardened up and become inedible But once this Once this cookie tote is gone I am not bringing any more cookies into this house For a while because I wasn't Sad about not having cookies before It wasn't like every night I would be sitting there on the couch thinking god I wish I had cookies it's like if they're in the house I'll eat Them if they're not in the house I won't think about them

I am I'm on something called menu-prices.net and it's fascinating and I'm on the McDonald's menu and the cookie tote remains 13 chocolate chip cookies $3.99 I know we don't have time I'd love to quiz you on what you think we could buy those and resell them for more that's just a steal of a deal we borrow our parents credit cards we buy a whole bunch and we sell them in the parking lot how much do you think a filet-o-fish is not the meal but just a Filet-O-Fish. Just the sandwich.

Okay, a Filet-O-Fish in 2021? Yeah. And I think this is up to date. I don't think I've ever ordered a Filet-O-Fish in my life despite the prevalence of certain fish sandwich drops in this world.

Is it too early to get a fish sandwich?

Sorry, I had to turn up the volume on both things. I was on the fly. You know how it is, Andrew. Of course. I am guessing a fish sandwich is $3.20? Ooh, close.

$379 for the sandwich itself If you get the double Filet-O-Fish Then you're up to $469 Still a better deal This is interesting I feel like we can make a quiz out of this Which I want to say I received an amazing quiz For our upcoming TBTL Winter Games I believe Aaron sent it in Actually made this quiz I want to tell you what it is I'm going to keep my powder dry But we have been receiving various kinds of things That people either created or found online various kinds of quizzes and personality quizzes and that kind of thing that you and I can play with when we prerecord our special holiday episodes, which are coming up soon. You and I are going to start recording those in the next couple of weeks. So if anybody else has any more suggestions or quizzes you want to make and that you want to hear on the show, please send them to me, andrew at tbtl.net.

Now I want a Filet-O-Fish because I haven't had any food yet today. I did that jog we're on show recording number two you know what man I used to go to this place in Bellingham the wild oat which was uh I probably talked about it it's a vegetarian place but they this uh woman who runs it is just this alchemist and she knows how to make all this stuff that you just would never know didn't have um the you know real meat product and she makes a um a fish sandwich that's like the fish is spelled like f-y-s-h or some some silly thing but it is delicious. And I'm now fully craving one. I am going to drive to Bellingham. I'm going to get me a fish sandwich from the Wild Oat if it's still open. Well, we've backed ourselves into a corner here. We either have to go out with an Oasis song or a fish song. Well, you know, I'm voting Oasis.

Of course, peace and love to the fish folks. I'm just an Oasis fan.

Which one of the hits gets to it? Well, let me just look up. I love Wonderwall. I'm looking at Spotify. I would have guessed that was like their second or third big hit, but that is by far and away their biggest hit, Wonderwall. Then Don't Look Back in Anger. Then something called Stop Crying Your Heart Out is coming in at number three on Spotify, which I find surprising. Oh, sure, but that's not awful. And then Champagne Supernova.

Oh yeah, that's a different record, you're right Right, what about How about How about Roll With It Off of What's the story, Morning Glory I know it's not one of the big hits But people know the big hits No? It sounds like you're up

I'm just outside of my comfort zone Medium on this But I don't know the song And I can listen

It's really nice If you don't mind, let it go for like a minute or so because there's a real nice little harmony moment that I like on the song. All right, thanks for listening, everyone. We are going to be back here tomorrow with more Imaginary Radio for you. I'll be checking in from Los Angeles, so I look forward to updating you. Let me hold on. I know next Tuesday in Buffalo it's going to be partly cloudy. Perfect. Anyway, we'll see you then. Until then, have a great Wednesday. Take care of yourselves, and please remember, no mountain too tall. And good luck to all.

Don't ever stand aside Don't ever be denied You wanna be who you be If you're coming with me I think I've got a feeling I've lost inside I think I'm gonna take me away and hide I'm thinking of things that I just can't abide I know the road down which your life will drive I find the key that lets you slip inside Kiss the girl she's not behind the door Do you know I think I recognize your face But I've never seen you before You've got to roll with it You've got to take your time You've got to say what you say Don't let anybody get in your way Cause it's all too much for me to say Wow, that's a fine pickle this fish seems to have landed us in, eh?

Is it too early to get a fish sandwich? Power out.