Muse

Do you want to exchange Christmas presents this year?

I would love to.

Great.

How about the most we can spend on each other's gifts is zero dollars?

Really? You want to exchange creative gifts? Oh, well, you are the one that's in trouble now, buddy, because creativity to me is just like... It's like a bird, like a friendly bird that embraces all ideas and just, like, shoots out of its eyes all kinds of beauty.

Wow, Lemon, this is like watching Hemingway ride. Mark Hemingway.

Yeah.

TBTL!

I'm so excited about this show. It is weird, it is beautiful, it has a plot that goes in fascinating directions. It's so easy.

All you do is point and click. But how does it work? All you need is a computer and a regular phone line.

Oh, well, with all due respect, I mean, I hate to admit this, but I don't think I've been online in, you know, a couple days or weeks or whatever. So that's really not an important thing to me. My face, your face, instant face. Go talk to whoever you want that does that stuff. I don't know.

What's on the website probably isn't going to be where it's actually going to be. Okay. A lot of the times we will play like a Home Depot parking lot.

This is not your mama's podcast. This is too beautiful to live.

All right. Hello. Good morning and welcome, everyone, to a Wednesday edition of TBTL, the show that just might be too beautiful to live. It is our turn. My name is Luke Burbank. I am your host.

Hey, where's the freaking gabagoo?

Coming to you once again from Fisherman's Wharf in beautiful and chilly San Francisco, California, where I am fresh off a very, very cold dip in the San Francisco Bay.

Okay, so these are some of the symptoms of hypothermia. Shivering, that's your body's way to keep warm.

I actually was trying to type a couple of things right before the show, and I'm not exaggerating, I do not have the dexterity in my fingers that I normally would, which I believe is some lingering after effects of being in that water. But I am alive, so that's good.

It's great to be alive! Celebrate it!

I mean, you're hearing my voice, so that's kind of a spoiler on the whole situation. I did survive. I am here, and we will be talking about it coming up on episode 3,576 in a collector series. Let the fun begin. This is not just any Wednesday show where I'm mildly hypothermic. No, this is a special episode of TBTL. This is special. This is special. Well, where we will have, I'm going to blame any kind of verbal stumbles I have also on being mildly hypothermic. This was a fun thing that they did. As people were getting out of the water, a fun game was playing, I'm not kidding, it was who is hypothermic? And you could tell in people's voices, in their sort of inability to form certain words or their struggles with it, how cold somebody was. And, well, again, if I mess things up today, I'm going to blame it on that. What I was trying to say was, today is a special show because we have the return of a very, very dear friend of the program.

Well, well, well, look who's back.

And we will welcome them onto the show in just a moment. But first of all, we have to say hi to the longest running co-bro of the show, maybe best known for his depictions of the tall ships. He's an activist and house party enthusiast. He is a hilarious dog. And he's already got his dinner figured out on this Wednesday. I might have tacos when I go home. I'm not quite sure yet. He's Andrew Walsh, and he's joining me right now from the Roosevelt neighborhood of Seattle, Washington. Good morning, my friend.

Good morning, Luke. I want you to know that the shower I took this morning, not quite as hot as I usually like it. So if I have any stumbles or anything, I think we can chalk it up to kind of a, I wouldn't call it lukewarm, but not quite as hot as my standards usually are. So let's just blame anything I say on that.

I also would like to renew my call for a new way to describe things that are not satisfying temperature. Oh, lukewarm. Yeah, as I was saying, and I heard it. I mean, that's offensive to the Lukes of the world. Can we go with tepid? Yes. Can we go with, I mean, something, anything? Because no one has ever used the term lukewarm in a positive sense. It's never been like, oh, try this. It's lukewarm. That is true. Oh, perfect. It is just universally the wrong temperature.

Yeah, I do wonder if tepid, though. For some reason, I think of tepid as, I think I'm wrong here, but I also, actually, I think we should just probably move on. But tepid also sounds like standing water, sort of. Like, it's sitting there attracting mosquitoes.

but that's not really it. It's just temperature. It's just temperature. I think you're thinking of maybe fetid. Yeah, no.

I'm getting a lot of heads shaking over here. You know who knows the answer to this?

Probably, Andrew, is our special guest today and the co-founder of the program. Our dear friend, Jen Flash Andrews.

I love Jesus, but I drink a little.

Jen, welcome to the show.

Thank you. Thank you. Oh, and also, just to be clear, I blame everything on the boogie. Always.

Oh. Is that Kid Rock?

Yeah.

What's your take on his new song, Flash? The one where he's riding a middle finger rocket into space.

Have you seen this?

I have not seen it, but I actually feel like I have. I mean, I pictured it immediately. I got it. There's some subtleties.

We knew what this was building towards back when Bah Woulda Bah came out. We all knew this would end with him riding a middle finger rocket in space. I believe firing like an assault weapon. You think that I'm just trying to joke with you, but that's literally the video.

Once he opened an escort service for all the right reasons, I knew where we were going with him. I didn't even know about this. Oh, yeah, that's one of his lyrics.

Jen, do you have an explanation or a theory on the word that Andrew was trying to think of for when there is standing water? Stagnant. Stagnant. Stagnant. Yeah. Yeah. This is why we have you on the show every Wednesday.

I'm just laughing thinking of the fellow disc jockeys down the dial who went on that rant about how, oh, we sit around talking about grammar and big words. Back in the TBTL. Oh, my gosh. Remember that? They were just totally blasted. They went on a long thing about it. And I was like, well, we do do those things. Is that bad?

That sounds exciting to me. You guys were in radio wars back in the day. We don't have anybody complaining about us on the FM dial anymore.

I don't have my full complement of old tape on this computer down here in San Francisco, but I wish I could find that. Jen, I had completely forgotten about that. It was, I think it was the BJ Shea show. Yeah. I don't think it was BJ. I think it was a couple of the like kind of, you know, sidekicks or whatever.

Yeah.

And somehow our show came up, and then a guy did, oh, I talk about, I work for NPR, I talked about grammar, I'm Luke Burbank. And I was so flattered, as you said, Andrew, to be dragged into an old school morning radio war, considering we were a night show and almost no one was listening to us.

I love it. Hey, I want to ask you a quick question here, Luke, that I, this is a question that I don't like asking you, and I try to ask it as little as possible. But how are your feet? What's going on with your feet this morning after your cold water plunge?

You know, my feet are, they're a little chilly, but they're not as bad as I was thinking they might be. One of the things yesterday, Jen, that I heard from folks that do the cold water. So I went yesterday on kind of a scouting mission, and I went out in a boat while folks were swimming, and I interviewed a bunch of them, and somebody said to me, your feet will never feel warm the whole day after you do the swim. And they definitely feel cold, but they don't feel – they're not in pain or anything. My hands are – I was also trying to write out a show sheet and write it by hand, and I was having a little bit of difficulty with that. So I think my hands are kind of still recovering from the temperature out there.

I had a similar situation at Golden Gardens once, and I unfortunately desperately needed to pee, and I stumbled into that Anthony's down there, that restaurant. and i went up to the hostess and i said i'm so sorry i'm just desperate can i please use the bathroom and she said absolutely no problem i said and also could you please unbutton my pants for me i was so embarrassed and she's like huh because you were swimming my hands were so frozen that i couldn't make my fingers work the button and the zipper and the lady in the she didn't even follow me to the bathroom because she couldn't leave her post quote unquote so in the lobby of anthony she unbuttoned my pants and unzipped them and then i walked down to the bathroom no yeah that's called

the claw i learned about that on a youtube video uh related to this south end rowing club swimming project that i've been doing it's a member of the club who is also a retired emt and she was that i played a little tape at the top of the show for time hypothermia but she also they have a whole fun joke called the claw where your hands are in are like so cold that you have to you just have this odd claw and you use it to claw your swimming cap off and as she told the story everyone in the room laughed although it didn't seem that funny to me that's also knowing chuckle like oh yes and then I happened to actually somebody introduced me to that woman today moments before we we dove in and the thought that went through my mind was I said oh I watched you

on YouTube and she looked at me with some confusion and then I wanted to say I played you on my podcast because I played a lot of tape before yesterday but then I just felt like trying to explain what TBTL is in that moment was just not going to go over well and I was also more just terrified about what was about to happen but yes what you're describing Jen is a real thing and it really happens

it always feels better when people know it and they have a name for it also

So you – I don't want to overly gender this, but I will say it was probably much better that you were a woman asking for that sort of help at the Anthony's than, let's say, like, if I rolled in there with the same request, I believe I'm leaving in handcuffs and visiting, as Don would say, the Graybar Hotel.

I love the way having Jen here just brings it all out. All the Cairo comes up to the surface. I love it. Sure it does. I love the idea of – so that's an interesting story you just told us, Jen, but I would love to hear the version that she tells.

Yes, and you know that she's been dining out on it for years.

For like 10 years, exactly.

So I got up really early this morning and had a bit of a pit in my stomach about this swim. But it was – it wasn't even so much around the temperature of the water. It was around a decision that I made at about 3.30 in the morning that I'm still not really sure if it was the right call or not. I decided, Andrew, to go shirtless.

Okay. Remind me what you had bought. You had bought something that was not obviously a full body suit but it was something a little protective for your torso. I bought something called a tri-suit.

Does Jason do triathlons, Jen? No, he is not a strong swimmer.

okay like martin short in that snl sketch i'm not a strong swimmer yeah when we were dating

we um went camping and lincoln rock and they have a little swimming area and we went swimming and i realized that i for the rest of my life i would have to swim behind him because i think i might

need to rescue him at all times he's just not a strong swimmer well i he's such a fitness person that i thought maybe he was into this stuff but so this thing called a tri suit which is like it's sort of spandex shorts that go that also turn into a t-shirt they're all connected and it's the kind of thing that you could ride ride a bike and then jump off the bike and then dive in the water and swim and then jump out of the water and then run a marathon all in this outfit you don't have to change it and it does not provide any warmth it is it was purely out of modesty and out of me not wanting to be shirtless on national television but what i didn't what i what i decided again in kind of the middle of the night as i was tossing and turning contemplating this is i didn't want the television viewers of america to think that i was cheating and putting on a wetsuit because it kind of looks like a wetsuit it's not but it was going to read as a

wetsuit your vanity was warring in two different ways i think that's interesting yes absolutely

That was the civil war of my vanity. Brother taking up arms against brother.

By the way, you could have gone in the middle and just did what I used to do at pool parties when I was a tween. Just put on an oversized hefty, hefty, hefty T-shirt. And it just kind of hides all of your thunder while you can swim and splash and play. Effectively? Yeah, exactly. How effective? I don't know. It made me the coolest kid in the pool party. The one pool party I ever deigned to go to.

But you wanted to be seen as brave. Excuse me.

Do these effectively hide my thunder? No, I just wanted to disappear. I just wanted to die.

You know the look that I did kind of like? So I was this morning at now. Now it's like 4.45 in the morning, and I am modeling different outfits in the mirror to try to figure out, do I go tri-suit? Do I go swimming trunks? Do I go tri-suit that's unzipped and hanging down around my waist, which is a cool look, I have to say.

Kind of a surfer look I'm getting from that. Yes.

Like you see a surfer when they take off like the top of their wetsuit. It just looks real sort of, I don't know, cool and athletic and like I just did something really hard and now I have to take off half of this tri-suit. That would have made no sense for the swim because it would have created a lot of drag. I decided that the part of my vanity that won out was wanting the viewers to know that I was really, really suffering through this cold water. and also that I was going to wear these swim trunks that were wildly out of place with everyone else who was doing the swim. I was kind of listening, Andrew, I was sort of in my mind listening back to our conversation yesterday where you were saying, look, is it a better TV piece if you go out there and you're frigging Mark Spitz? You didn't say frigging Mark Spitz. You know I didn't say that because I don't know who that is.

I love that we just traveled to the 76 Olympics.

Oh, wait, Spitz, the guy that you were talking about yesterday, actually? Maybe you did mention.

Mark Spitz as the... Is yesterday's show

starting to make sense to you, Andrew? Yeah, it's all coming together. Oh, you're in San Francisco.

I mentioned Matt Biondi yesterday, who was... One of these swimmers was college roommates and teammates with Matt Biondi, which tells you how good some of the folks doing it were. Another one, I could... I was going to try to work in a Babe Didrikson Zaharia reference, but that was going back into... That was like the Olympics where, like, you know they were trying to show hitler what was up i don't even know who that is reference before you were born in this story the specificity anybody else know who babe didrickson zaharias yes she won like she i think she was like a heptathlete i think she won like every medal at the like 1922 olympics or something she was the sonia henny of that one except for that sonia

Henny was there also.

So I decided that kind of based on what you said, Andrew, which is it would be better. It's actually a funnier piece if I'm bad at it, which I was able to accomplish being bad at it. But I wanted to lean into that instead of having on this like sleek tri suit that made me look kind of serious and also looked maybe like I was wearing a wetsuit. I went fully in the other direction wearing swim trunks from J.Crew and no shirt. You know what else I thought? If Chris Farley could delight a nation by doing that Chippendale sketch, Shirtless, on SNL, I can entertain a much smaller section of TV viewers on a Sunday morning by being shirtless. I just was like, I've got to stop being so vain. It's fine. It is what it is. I'm just as God made me This is my body And it will be funnier if I'm not in the cool outfit So that's what I ended up going with But I have not seen any of the footage So I don't actually know what it looked like

Do you think you were kind of cheating a little bit By wearing those detachable cuffs around your wrists And the Chippendale style collar Like that does keep those parts of your body warm too

Yes That was kind of my sneaky plan Was to keep my pulse points All as insulated as possible so that I would be fine.

100% though. 100% right decision. I mean. You think? Yes. And also, the story was more important and you were willing to play the fool and because I'm assuming you look foolish. Everybody does it.

Good job. But literally, I mean, a big part of yesterday's show though, Luke, you were saying like you were hearing some horror stories about like your mental state and physical and mental state afterwards like to the point where you and I are supposed to have a pretty packed afternoon of recording but you weren't even sure if you were able to do that canceled i'm sorry you're gonna say that no matter what yeah that is as you look out the window at a card room across the parking lot um there's gonna be in the background you're gonna hear what you think are slot machines that's just this hotel it's weird it's the

muzak the muzak sounds like triple fortune dragon unleashed no but for real like overall i mean you

sound a little bit more with it i was prepared for you to be coming in here today the opposite of hot you know whatever that is like yeah potentially kind of out of your noggin I was

worried about that because I kept getting very well-intentioned sort of pep talks and warning talks and sort of you know I don't know people were telling me yesterday if these folks that do this kind of swim every single day they were saying you know you will probably get somewhat hypothermic if you go you know lie down in the sauna afterwards oh I got a tight 10 minutes on sauna culture by the way not something i not a space i typically play in nude with people i don't know but um more on that maybe in a minute but um uh everybody was telling me about all the the worst case scenarios and it was kind of getting in my head a little bit um but obviously i'm i'm here i actually feel pretty good mentally i mean what i think i said on the show yesterday was something along the lines of like really the worst case scenario would be if I dove into the water and then I just immediately quit. Or if I got knee deep in the water and said, I can't do this. Like that was the only thing that I really wanted to avoid. I wanted to at least give it my best try. And I did that. I dove into the water with everybody and I swam really like as hard as i could because um i i i was trying to they were people were coaching me on breath like they were saying you have to breathe really fast because it feels like your chest is being crushed because of the temperature of the water and so you have to do this special kind of like fast breathing to warm up your lungs and warm up your body so i was doing that i was trying to i was also being filmed by two different cameras so this was not just like a thing where I'm doing something that may.

Made me feel physically uncomfortable and a little scared. I'm also trying to be funny on TV. So I had a line I was practicing, which is, that's brisk. That was my line that I thought of. And I was trying to deliver it, but there was water going in my mouth. So it was like, that's brisk. And then I was like, spit out the water. I think you said precious for some reason. I did. I found a ring at the bottom of San Francisco Bay. and then I'm you know so I started out pretty strong and and was swimming very fast and in fact turned around and realized I was like probably 20 yards ahead of everyone and then I was like I really am the Mark Spitz of this I am an incredible swimmer I am faster than all of these people that do it all the time and then they caught up to me and then they passed me and then I swam I started off trying to do uh what i would call the crawl stroke but what everybody calls freestyle do you know the naming i mean jen you're an olympics person i find this very interesting my theory is what we call freestyle swimming what i grew up calling crawl stroke now they call it freestyle but it's based on i think the fact that in that olympic event freestyle means you can swim any way you want you could i don't believe you could backstroke what's that i do not believe that's true so freestyle is really the name of the stroke yes i didn't know i was i wouldn't know that i was under the impression so if i'm wrong about this i have created a very interesting but wrong scenario i was under the impression that that event freestyle meant you can swim however you want but everyone does the crawl stroke because it's by far and away the fastest way to move through the water and now we just call that style of swimming freestyle if that's true

I what so I learned to swim at the Blue Ridge Country Club when I was growing up because I know I had a neighbor who is a member there and she sponsored me and I got to go there in the summer and learn how to swim and they called it the freestyle so why would they care why would they

care because because I because they're fancy and their kids all probably did swim club oh well

that's my historic records that I'm going off so maybe you're right I just think when I was eight

years old it was taught to me as freestyle yes it does seem i always thought it'd be funny if somebody just swam in a freestyle race the way i swam as a kid right just like right lunge underwater and just like whatever it keeps your head up yeah oh you do someone does a handstand time me

how long can i do this i just did six i did six backwards somersaults in a row breathing each time

my face came out of the water i can go back and forth from one end to the other with the Do you want to play Mermaids still?

I hope people are watching us. Exactly.

Let's see. Freestyle races begin with a forward-facing dive from a starting block. The only rules freestyle swimmers must account for are the following. They may not push off the bottom of the pool. The bodies must break the water's surface throughout the race, so they can't just swim underwater. That was my plan. Damn it. I'm never going to be an Olympic swimmer. Heads must break the surface within 15 meters after a turn. Must touch the far wall of any part of their body. with any part of their body uh must finish by touching the wall with one hand so i guess so

that does seem to cover anything to say you can do anything you want i guess that was a quick google

anyway well i tried to i was trying to do the crawl stroke or freestyle style of swimming where you actually put your face in the water and you do a couple strokes and then you turn your head to the side and you breathe i mean people know how this works but i was trying to do that but It was so hard because I couldn't see through my goggles very well because, one, they had hooked a microphone. They had a waterproof microphone hooked to the side of my head, which could not have been helping my hydrodynamics, I want to say, for the record. See, a poor craftsman always blames his tools.

But also just remember, it wasn't a race, and you were the journalist.

I'm blaming the J.Crew shorts. I'm blaming the microphone on the side of my head. I couldn't really see through my goggles. I also put an anti-fog spray in the goggles, but then I didn't wipe it out. So I believe it was fogging the goggles worse. So I'm trying to do efficient swimming, but it's just kind of scary because you can't see anything. It's so cold. And so then I defaulted to kind of just doing like doing freestyle, but with my head out of the water, which is a very inefficient. Yeah, I basically as a dog, I was essentially doggy paddling. I side stroked. I tried to swim on my back for like 10 minutes or not 10 minutes for about one minute. anyway now everyone is way up ahead of me but they're all stopping and treading water because this is all being filmed and they're all there to help me and i realize we were the plan was to swim out of this cove around this um sort of long pier and then look at the golden gate bridge that was it they were like you're real

For swimming out here is you get to see the Golden Gate Bridge I pointed out you could also see it from the Cove yeah right or a boat it's a huge Bridge I could see it from the shore I could see it from like a hundred Feet into the wall it's visible from Any part of this so I didn't really see how it was A reward to go way out There and see it but I can see it on Google Maps I mean I'm good So I I started to Realize that I was Not going to make it out to the the sort of stated goal and certainly not going to make it back in not because of the cold I didn't even mind the the water temperature was fine I felt great in there surprisingly I was exhausted like it is hard to swim a far distance in that kind of cold water and as everybody was they were being very nice to me they were like you know again being very encouraging but i just like was like it felt like i was in the 24th mile of a marathon like immediately like so so i i basically i think i was about half roughly halfway to where we were trying to get out to and there's this huge boat like a giant industrial ship that's like harbored there or whatever and it has a massive like chain you know those like super thick like barnacle encrusted chains and i like swim over to the chain and i'm like hanging on the chain and then i'm trying to make it a bit for the cameras but really i just was like i can't swim one more stroke how am i gonna get out of this one how did you get out of this one i did i swam one more stroke and then two more strokes and then i got kind of back out into where everyone was and then i looked at the guy in the rescue boat and i just kind of gave him a like i'm done here look and he like brought the zodiac around which it turns out zodiac being one of those like inflatable boats uh it turns out that that doesn't have like a convenient like ladder swim step there's no graceful way to get into that boat. I'm picturing this. A wet rubber, like it has got the... I can't wait. You're just getting pulled in and you're flailing. By Josh. By my very nice, very safety-minded Josh from the club who said, okay, I'm gonna... First he gave me a pep talk that we filmed before the whole thing where he said, if I think you're hypothermic, if I think the swim's over, the swim's over. I'm in charge of this. I'm the safety officer. And he also said no tv shoot is worth you you know being in danger and I said you haven't met my bosses very very they're very demanding but he was like very you know tuned into like my personal safety

where I was at and things and so I mean honestly one of the big things was I felt embarrassed at how much I was making making everyone wait for me like if I was by myself if there was no camera crew and i could go totally at my own pace i probably would have kept going and i would have you know just like very like very slowly kind of doggy paddled slash breaststroke slash side stroked out to where we were going because again the cold wasn't really impacting me very much in terms of my what my body temperature felt like um but it was that i knew that i was going to ruin this swim for like 20 people and we'd also already gotten the footage of me diving in and swimming and andrew no joke i thought what did andrew say yesterday and he was right this is still a fine television piece if i'm bad at this it's probably better yeah i signaled for the rescue boat they came and got me they they hoisted my pale slippery frame my pale slippery chunky 45 year old frame into the zodiac like some some harbor seal that was going through a mental health crisis it was it was the most humiliating boat it was the most uh humiliating onboarding i've done uh since maybe those uh tushy and you weren't a me undies onboarding call i believe yes yes it was so humiliating josh was like i'm gonna count to three and i need you to pull on the sides of this boat which what he was saying was like i'm not gonna be able to get your 200 pounds in here bro if you don't do a little bit of the lifting and so sure enough he said one two three i sort of tried to pull myself in he hoisted me the rest of the way and i was in the boat and then they covered me with blankets this is all being filmed because our camera crew is also in this boat and um and then they took me back uh back to shore and then the real swimmers continued their swim and finished and had a great day. And I went and sat in the sauna, nude and humiliated.

and who else was in the sauna with you a bunch of people a bunch of guys who had already probably done like four mile swims one of them had literally swum to alcatraz that day that this morning whoa yeah now this was cool there's a dog that swims to alcatraz with its owner this little black lab i think the dog's named maybe um ellie and that dog was hanging out in the locker room and was in the sauna when i went in the sauna nude there's a black lab sitting in there that had just swum to alcatraz and the dog's also nude the dog was wearing a um

did the dog understand protocol or was he a stare or she a star or did she understand

keep your eyes up here michael it turns out that the dog is actually a very controversial figure at the club because dogs are not allowed in the sauna but people kind of the you know there's a men's sauna and a woman's sauna and i guess people kind of look the other way because everybody likes the dog the guy also did buy an emotional support dog vest on amazon he explained to me that he will put on the dog if people are giving him a hard time um but that was kind of fun getting to talk to the dog what wasn't fun was being naked as a jaybird around a bunch of guys i don't know again sauna ing is not really my scene but i was really cold when i got out of there like out of the water and i did kind of have the sense of like i do need to try to warm up my core temperature a

bit but you can't just put a towel around you that is that nobody's doing that when i think of like

my towel was in a totally different part of the facility because i had been whisked onto a rescue boat whisked off the rescue boat escorted to the shower to warm up and then when i got to the sauna i realized my towel was really far away also i was sitting in there nude and everyone was looking at me like i was doing something wrong and i was like what why is everyone giving me this look and i realized oh i was the only maskless person in the sauna and i had been sitting in the sauna for like five minutes with no mask and every other person was masked it hadn't even occurred to me i was like so kind of out of my mind that and so then i like i looked i go oh i should have a mask and i was kind of hoping someone would say it's fine but they said yeah you're supposed to have a mask and I was like okay let me go find it and so then I go hob I did put my shorts back on for the record and then I just kind of went and I realized when I got out of the sauna and started going around trying to find my towel that I was actually a bit disoriented and dazed like simple decisions like or simple kind of thoughts like hey where is my bag where is that towel where's the mask things like that were that those things were proving to be fairly challenging so anyway I went back down and I got my I got my mask and then I got back in the sauna. But because I don't know the protocol, you're right, Andrew, people had towels wrapped around their waist. People were sitting on towels. I didn't know that that's how you do it. And so my towel was across the sauna. I sat down nude. And then I felt like I was embarrassed to go get my towel and come back and rewrap it because I kept coming in and out of the sauna. I was having all these problems. So I just basically sat there for just the maximum amount of time or I should say minimum amount of time. I thought I needed to warm up One funny thing was I'm sitting there totally silent Everyone's talking swimming talk And one guy goes Did the TV guy just like jump in the water And then go I'm out of here Oh he didn't know that you're the TV guy One of the other guys goes Well ask him he's right there And then everyone turns and looks at me And I was like hi And you said yes that's what I did I said I swam to Alcatraz motherfucker

and i did it without a dog um yeah i didn't need an i didn't need a emotional support dog i feel like i could i mean we could do a week of shows just based on this one sauna interaction i mean forget the ice cold swimming and everything um this is the heart of the story for me um were you the only person now i'm gonna get in your head more but you said that most people either had a towel wrapped around them or at least they were sitting on a towel were you also breaking protocol are you allowed to put bare butt to whatever wood teak teak one guy almost everyone was sitting on

towels one guy was sitting with his towel on but it was not wrapped fully around it was as if he had it over draped over his lap which meant his butt was in contact with the wood but that could have just been you know he just wasn't paying attention i do think that the the sort of Unspoken rule is you put a towel down so that the next person doesn't have to sit on your butt juice. Yeah.

I do feel like we've now moved into fetid, by the way. We finally got there, guys.

There is an organizing principle. From stagnant to fetid.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's maybe today's show title. So I was, yeah, I was embarrassed that I didn't know what the story was.

sort of like rules were, and then I felt like I just kept, I was doing everything wrong. And then every time I tried to fix it, I was making it worse. And so then I just wanted to like sit there for a minute, get warmed up and then get out of there. Cause I wasn't really like feeling super comfortable. And so that was ultimately what I did. My only triumph of this whole experience really was as I, as I was walking through the locker room, someone asked me, how did it go? And I said, off the top of my head, I go, well, it was somewhere between humiliation and triumph which A, I think is pretty profound and B describes a lot of situations that happen in life. It could have been worse. It is a widespread. That's what I like about it. I didn't totally humiliate myself. I tried. I stayed in the water for like probably 10 minutes. I swam as hard as I could. I was not triumphant. I had to get rescued by the boat but it was in between humiliation and triumph and I thought that really does kind of explain my life and then when i told the other members of the club that later they laughed and said we may put that on a t-shirt that may become the motto of the club so i feel like i did leave i did leave a legacy at the uh the south end rowing club and that is the famous quote somewhere between humiliation and triumph and you know maybe that's how my morning went maybe i make

that the show title because that way if they make t-shirts off of it we can somehow profit off of

that later. Well, at least prove that it came from you. Exactly.

I'm going to make it a show title that I'm going to mail it to myself. Exactly.

So, anyway, that was my morning. Thank you, everyone, for indulging me for two days of incessant conversation about this. I was going to say that's the end of the story, but really it's only the beginning because now we have the part where I actually see what I look like when I get the footage, and that will probably be another show or two for me to just process that. Now, they're not going to

give you all of the raw footage right like you you might not see them hauling you out of the

water and into the boat i don't i mean prayers up prayers up i mean i want to see it i want to see it you're a regular viewer of that show jen so i should ask you as a sort of a very small sample size is that what you're looking for in your cbs sunday morning pieces is 45 year old slippery angry chunky pale dudes being dragged into zodiacs listen the main reason that i have always loved

that show is it gives me either people that i relate to or people that one day i will relate

to there is no one behind me that i have to hate right i like the idea of this piece ending and they toss it back to jane paulie and she's just aghast she's just pale and speechless gripping

her Chanel suit like there is no tomorrow. It just throws it to commercial

as fast as she can. One hand is just in a claw. She can't even hold her script. She's going hypothermic from just watching how upsetting it is of what I look like.

Like Paul Rudd in celery, man. I'm okay.

All right. Want to go to a break? All right. Yes, we must. And then, Jen, I'm not the only one with news from my life. You've had a lot going on and we want to hear about it coming up in just a moment here on tbtl oh it just got lightheaded i'm still in hypothermia hey let's unmute our mic and let's also thank some donors of the day i thought that was me

I'm so glad that was you. I can't tell you.

Thank you. Early Christmas for me. These are the wonderful, generous people making today's episode possible with their financial support. People like James Hayes in South Orange, New Jersey. I believe also the home of one-time TBTL guest Chris Gethard is, I believe, from South Orange, New Jersey. Robert Love is in Richmond, Virginia. Robert, thank you for supporting the program. Joseph Rowe is down there in St. Louis, M.O. You know, I feel like, Andrew, every time somebody's in Missouri, I say M.O., and I think it's because in that song, Box Elder, the pavement cover, I think he says Box Elder M.O. or something.

Yep, I'm headed to or I'm going to Box Elder M.O. Goodness, I love that song.

It's so good, but it also means I can't just say Missouri. I have to say M.O. like some Steve Malcolmist wannabe. Laura Piles in Seattle, Washington, also donating today. Thank you, Laura. Andrea Duesenberry is in Bothell, Washington. For a day. Jen, would you say that's a short term or a long term?

place to visit that's become a huge thing on the show for some reason because every time somebody's in Bothell I go on and on about the for a day or a lifetime sign and people email in they send pictures of it it's like most of the show is talking about Bothell for a day or a lifetime more and more part of the show it's really things have really changed since you

left Jen is what I'm trying to say although when I left I was still trying to convince you not to do birthday wishes, and we're doing donor wishes.

Donors, and we do do Blurs Days on Thursdays, and everybody loves it. It's the most popular segment of the show. I'm so glad I'm here on a Wednesday.

Well, Jen, we don't have that priceless granite money anymore.

Priceless granite!

We don't... We have to make money the old-fashioned way. Beg for it from the donors. Donors like David Peterson in Matthews, North Carolina, Thank you as well, David. Thank you to all of our donors of the day for making today's special episode possible. Wouldn't be here without you. Hello and welcome to Top Story. All right. Top story on today's show is that our dear friend Jen Flash Andrews is visiting. And, you know, per usual, you've been having all kinds of adventures and having all kinds of thoughts while away from the show. And so I just want to sort of run through some of these highlights from your life, starting with a biggie. You and Jason have been foster parents.

Well, yes. I mean, we are we are licensed foster parents and we've had lots of adventures. I would start by saying that the process of getting to be licensed parents is a long one and you have to take a bunch of classes. and i i bring this one up because i think luke will appreciate it um they said let's do some role-playing so we're like okay so i said okay so jen you are pouring yourself a cup of coffee jason you're sitting at the breakfast table reading the paper and your 13 year old foster child comes down the stairs in her panties what do you do and i said go upstairs and put pants on now and she goes okay i like how direct you are i like that you're clear and she goes but i'm just wondering could we soften that tone at all and jason said nope that's how it comes out i've been asking that question for years and it was so funny because you know ron and don used to constantly tell me that i had a tone problem they always said you know what you're saying is fine it's your tone problem. And then Luke then had to suffer through my tone for years. And it's still

a problem. That's what I'm here to say. That is the tone. Did you have a tone? I don't mean to bring up anything sensitive here, but did Jen have a tone issue on TVTL? Because I didn't know

that as being part of the lore at all. I don't remember thinking that Jen's tone was ever off. But what I do remember was thinking in my mind, is this thing that I'm about to say or a guest about to say, is this something that is going to disappoint Jen or feel inappropriate to Jen? Because maybe I was afraid that if I ever did that, then the tone would come out. But I don't remember getting I don't remember ever thinking like, oh, Jen's tone is is weird.

What about the time that you ordered Takeout during the show and didn't Tell me and then somebody At the front door is saying I'm here to deliver food And I thought they were there to kill us remember and I was going to go Do my rugby kick And I was so mad at you for not telling me that

But that was Appropriate to me a tone problem

Into you eating on the show Which also was brought out my tone I think

Wasn't there a time where Sean was drinking coffee And Jen was reading the newspaper and you walked in in your panties, Luke. Didn't that bring out the tone as well?

Yes, and it was not a soft reprimand.

Okay, so anyway, so you've been going to these classes, Jen?

So we did the classes and we did the role-playing. So we finally got our license. And what we had specifically asked for was a teenager because I think I would do better with a teenager and also I think I have more to offer a teenager in terms of as they age out of the system and they need to set up an apartment or go to college or get a job you know all that i think that's where i would shine and so our first placement was a nine-year-old girl and she um very kindly on her way when she was leaving my home she said could i give you some advice and i said absolutely and she said um i think any any kid who came here would be really lucky i think you and jason are great she goes but you really need nightlights and stuffed animals because every night i was afraid oh my god i was like oh sweetie Thank you so much. That's great advice. I now have those things.

long was she there like four days oh okay is that kind of standard i don't know anything about this

we're doing emergency care okay so it's it's kind of short-term while they figure out you know parents have 30 days to kind of pull it together um and oftentimes it's just kind of have to figure out like oh there's an aunt somewhere or there's a you know so it's just these little short-term things while we wait for our teenager who's like i'm gonna really turn around

would a would a a person who is a teenager would that be not emergency would that be somebody who

might potentially like a permanent placement yes yeah yes so we are we are waiting for a permanent placement then the next thing again we asked for a teenager one one teenager our next placement was two infants wow that's a totally different skill set oh my word and by the way it's not Were they cute? They were so cute. Oh, my word. I was so madly in love with them. Oh, they were so cute. But what I will say is that it's not the lifting. It's the you lift. And I'm sure, Luke, you remember this from Addy. But you lift them and then you have to turn your back to set them into their car seat. And there's this like holding them up and twisting your back and getting them into the car seat without bumping their head. And I don't think my back will ever be. I mean, I think that's it for my back. Wow. I think I'm now permanently on ibuprofen.

How long were they with you?

You know what you need to do? You need a cold water swim in the waters of Lake Minnetonka. That will get your, he'll fix you right up, I've learned.

So, and then I had a kid who was almost, he was so closely related to the kid in Jerry McGuire. I mean, honestly. Jonathan Lipnicki? Yes, he followed me around my house all day long at all times saying things like, did you know that Huskies are related to Labradors? did you know did you know that spoke this is another one he said to me and and the fact is I don't know any of these things there they might be true they might not be true I don't know but he said did you know that Spokane had the first operable fire hydrants and I said no I didn't know that and then about a minute later did you know that in the great fire of Spokane they didn't turn them on Michael I didn't even know there was a great fire man this kid understands irony already it was amazing and he just at all times was just firing facts at me um in a way that uh i i was

like yeah well i didn't i didn't know yeah and the age here isn't 11ish or something i would say he

was about 11 okay yeah yeah what is it like for you and and jason to have these young people kind of move through your life in your household and then you say goodbye to them like is it emotionally hard is is there enough time to become pretty attached to them I wouldn't say no it we don't

have any indication that they're going to stay long so it's really just like you're babysitting your niece or nephew like that's kind of how we have gone into it and I wouldn't say that it's it's emotional I I do have a lot of trouble at night because I feel responsible for them and so I'm like with the babies I would go in like every hour and listen if they were breathing yes I was so afraid they were gonna say I'm definitely afraid of somebody getting hurt or something happening that that's the hardest part I would say the emotional part so far has not been difficult but also I haven't had a kid come in that I you know it's going to be there a while

that I start to fall in love with yeah well yeah again this process I mean I know of it and I've I've heard the PSAs but like the details of it are are so mysterious and interesting to me so sorry if I drag us down here but like what you you are looking for somebody that you can bring and permanently so there's am i correct on that that's what you said so there's an there's an emotional kind of setup for you there as well like it sounds like you haven't had that kid who's in the right age range for you anyway but there's a chance that this person will come into your life

but then leave anyway right because the like i said the parents have like 30 days at the beginning but then they have a full year to correct the problem in order to not lose custody permanently And so you just always – also, you're cheering for the parents.

Nobody's fighting that hard to get a teenager back.

That is interesting how – I mean that you guys feel like that's what your strength is and that's what you want because that can be very difficult, right, especially in the system?

Yes. I mean they're definitely – I've been told that they're pretty jaded and they've gotten moved around a lot and oftentimes too they're really self-sufficient. The main reason that kids are removed from their home, I've been taught in my classes, is neglect, not abuse. So they are generally really – they've kind of figured it out themselves. Like this kid, the one that knew about fire hydrants, he kept telling me how to –

He was the fire chief of Spokane. Youngest fire chief ever.

He kept telling me things like, you know, you can melt the chocolate chips and then you can pour them on the Cheetos. And he had all these little life hacks from Grocery Outlet. he was constantly telling me like tricks that he learned

into a grocery outlet I could tell he just like could walk to a grocery outlet he was he could buy his own food he could make it himself no one had taught him how to make food so everything he described to me was horrifying but I'm like you know what kid you do you yeah he would just be in

the kitchen making these weird kinds of food uh-huh that's kind of interesting because Jen I mean you know you had a phase of your life where you were I mean I have we talked about on the show is it okay Andrew can cut this out of this is too personal like you like it was like Like you and your sister and like Cindy Garrison or something, like, weren't you just like living alone for high school or something?

Well, I know. So my my dad had a house and we lived in it, but he wasn't there. And then when I turned 18, he asked me to leave the premises. And I said, but I don't turn problems again. And it was so funny because I said, well, my birthday is in May, but I don't graduate till June. Could we get a 30 day extension? And he said, yes. That was very nice. So when I moved out at 18, I took my sister with me because she was little and she couldn't stay in that house by herself. So she was living alone in high school, but I was out of high school, like by a month.

Wow. Got it. Wow. Is that maybe one of the reasons why you're attracted to this idea?

I think I'm attracted to this idea because of television and movies and TV because it's always...

And the song To Serve With Love?

Do you want to basically be a Laura Lai? There's the Mark Wahlberg movie, you know. Yeah.

Do you have a preference? If you could choose, would you hope that this foster teen would be a girl or a boy?

I mean, if I'm being really honest, I want an exact foster kid, and it's Ryan Atwood from the O.C.

Okay.

How's that working out?

They have not found him yet, but they are actively looking.

Can I dazzle you guys with something from the, what is it, the Spokane Review? Or what is the new Spokesman Review? The Spokesman Review. I was going to say that, but then it sounded wrong in my head. At first, the fire seemed like a trifling affair to bystanders watching Spokane's fire department arrive. Trifling-ass fire. And then, yet bystanders soon noticed that the firemen were racing frantically from one hydrant to another. They had no pressure, no water. Firemen stood there with slack hoses as the flames slowly spread from roof to roof. Jonathan Lipnicki for the win. So your kid was right.

He was right. He's going places. He had so many facts.

Is there an upper limit on age of somebody that you would take in? Because I would love to live with you and Jason. Like, I've seen your beautiful home that you built. But, you know, I know there's an ample supply of vitamin water and other treats. Champagne. I really have to say, I mean, probably fewer Dick's Drive-In burgers just because of, you know, proximity or lack thereof. But, like, again, this is a serious topic in that these young people have been through a lot. And I don't want to say anything that sounds like I'm making light of the situation. But I would – I feel like if I were a kid who was in the system and the house I ended up with and the people I ended up with were you and Jason, I would be so stoked. Like I genuinely just would like to live in your house, please. Well, no teddy bear. At age 45.

There's a shocking lack of teddy bears.

What's the nightlight situation?

It is interesting because the singer Sia, she adopted both of her kids out of foster care and they were 18. And so, and I think I have the same idea. So you're saying there's a chance for me. There does feel to me like that's the age where you would be the most, I mean, not the most vulnerable, obviously being really little, you're really vulnerable, but you're being sent out on your own. And so I feel like that's where I could really do the most good. And also, I agree with you. I think, who wouldn't be delighted? did I tell you the story about getting my uber rating lowered to four and a half stars just real quick no I was so angry I was like how did this happen I wish I didn't already make my tone

problems call back because that would have been a perfect place for it well I was I was yelling

at Jason about it and I'm like I am a goddamn delight and he said I know exactly when it happened and I said where he said we were in Chicago and you got in the front seat because you like to talk and he said I could tell immediately that the uber driver was not into talking to you and he said and then you kept reaching over to touch his phone because you wanted to play the post malone song you can't do that which one the post and aussie and i kept trying to i kept touching his phone and he asked me repeatedly to not touch his phone were you drunk yeah i was drunk yes i was happy i just can't imagine well so anyway jason's like that's who

Jen, I've 100% done that. I've 100% done that in a...

ride share while tipsy just so you know well i got a i got my my uh rating lowered but anyway when i was going off to jason about how i don't know why any any kid wouldn't be thrilled to to be in our house and he's like because you're a goddamn delight and i said yeah and he he harkened back to the tone problem as well which by the way jonathan lipnicki also said i feel like you're mad at me and i said i'm not mad at you i just want you to pick up your shit okay that's the other thing that they asked me to do is cut down on my swearing at the um at the class really and jason's like i have asked that repeatedly well i like the fact that you're like owning it though

you're not going into these classes like i would be like probably pretending to be a better person than i am you know what i mean but you're like no this is this is who we're working with here yeah

i think that also it's really important that they know what i'm like yeah if they're matching me with somebody like i can't have a fragile flower i already have jason yeah i have a fragile flower

already right right wow that's fascinating so about how many kids have you had in your house

so far just that that's three four okay no there was two babies oh right please don't forget sorry

yes and when you said infant infant means like two three ten months and 13 months that i mean that must have been 24 hours a day yeah and one of them wasn't crawling one of them

was but i mean immediately the one just went crawled right up to the outlet and put their finger in it i mean like within seconds of being in the house and so jason had to race to um fred

meyer and buy those little covers yep wow how did their heads smell so good what is that that should

be a candle you know you can't smell the 17 year olds heads right that's that's frowned upon oh my

word there's such a long list like if you're watching tv everyone gets their own blanket

like oh yeah like all that kind of stuff of course sure yeah did you buy teddy bears though are you

ready for the next kid oh i mean can you imagine somebody telling me could i give you some advice i mean she was barely out the door and i'm on amazon like oh my god you now have a room you

refer to as the teddy bear room which cps would like to talk to you about exactly might have

swung too far the other way on that one well jen that i have to say that's really awesome i'm glad i'm so glad to hear you and jason are are doing this because i just think you you are two of the most delightful and thoughtful people that i know so i know that you're going to really make some, make some kids, uh, you know, give a really good experience to some kids who otherwise

have probably had it pretty tough. So quick warning that I forgot to mention. Um, you have to protect their privacy. So you're not ever allowed to say this is my foster kid, which is really confusing. Cause if I then run into you downtown and you're like, who is this, you know, and so I said, well, I don't, what do you want me to say? My nephew? And they're like, well, that's not true. And I'm like, well, it seems weird that I'm like, holding a baby. And they said well you could say something like this is the latest addition to our home and i'm like well then the person's going to be like what the hell are you talking about you know yeah so they said what you should do is tell everyone you can possibly think of i'm becoming a foster parent if you see me with a kid that's the situation so i forgot to mention that i'm now telling you and everyone if you run into me and i'm with a kid that's what's going on if you're holding a baby

and you say this is my friend chuck i'll understand the score if you see jen out in the world and

she's and she's uh you know has a child with her ask no follow-up questions exactly well and i just

imagine when you know you're not supposed to say it you know well you're gonna be like well that was that was uh becca and i uh i want to be i want to be vague so that i don't well

anyway uh we were hanging out with um with with a couple and one of the folks in the couple is trans and had written something online about not appreciating that the way we say you guys to you know kind of a group of people and some of them might not be guys some of them might be women some might be trans etc and so this person had said that and so as we were walking up the steps to dinner becca just mentioned to me oh so and so kind of not really into saying you guys so we and i was like okay noted and then we walk in i've never met these people before and we're standing in the lobby of the restaurant i say are you guys ready to head in within three seconds i said you guys and i proceeded to say it probably 12 times that night as the only thought i had in my mind was don't say you guys do not say you guys and i couldn't stop saying it that's a tough

one for me because i always want to because i you know have always said hey guys you know i start emails or i used to start emails hey guys um and i you know i want to do that thing where i push back because i like saying it so i try to like say well you know it just seems genderless the way i use it or whatever and i i think i've said this on the show before there was a tweet that was going around i don't know a year ago that stuck in my craw where um a woman was tweeting all of my guy friends say that guy the term guy is genderless until i ask them how many guys they've slept with then suddenly it becomes very gendered very quickly Ah!

Well, you know, I hear it. I hear it. The secret, the secret is y'all. And also you get to be.

Tried it.

It didn't take.

My favorite thing, I was in Texas and the waiter said, y'all enjoy y'all's day. And I was like, this is the greatest thing that ever happened. I'm going to do it from now on. And every time I tried, it sounded so ridiculous.

Yeah. Andrew's got some stories about that.

People from Seattle say, you guys, I don't. It's really difficult to break unless somebody says to me, that hurts my feelings. I don't like it. Then it's like nothing's ever worth hurting someone's feelings. But I would do the same thing. If all I'm thinking is don't say you guys, don't say you guys, don't say you guys, I'll definitely do it.

Yep, yep, yep.

I kept saying you people. What are you people trying to order?

There you go.

I guess we're out hanging out again.

What a perfect solution.

I like y'all, though, because I feel like it is totally – it is so unconvincing coming for me. And Andrew and I have traveled through Texas together, and much to his annoyance, I'm going around trying to y'all it up Now I feel like I'm being inclusive

Yeah, no, I give you credit I mean, I know that was a bit for a while But I actually think it sounds pretty natural Coming from you, Luke, no joke And you've been to Texas actually quite a few times Since that trip too So, no, I think it actually But I'm with Jen just for me personally Because I've tried it in emails before And listen, I know we're going to Get a lot of emails from people who say This is the perfect solution, y'all is great Just accept and embrace y'all But I've written it in emails I can't tell you how many times I've typed those four characters With the apostrophe and then just backspaced Four times It sounds like an affectation coming from me

I do a lot of High team

I use gang Luke is huge on that I'm good with it

You know the thing that I've now partnered with my y'all Is It's kind of part of the same character that I'm playing Which is uh you know guy who is from further south than i'm actually from uh is i will say i appreciate you i'll say that to people that i don't even know so like if the waiter is has been great or whatever and instead of saying oh thanks so much i appreciate it i'll say hey thanks i appreciate you which the first few times i did it i both really liked it because i felt like who doesn't want to hear that they're appreciated in a more specific way but it also felt like hey y'all I just want to let you know I appreciate you like it was leaning further into the like this character but I actually pushed through and now I'm starting to say that just kind of without even thinking about it and I actually like I'm hoping anyway that it's having the desired effect which is making people feel appreciated.

Yeah, I think so. That's another one where people, I probably started hearing that somewhat regularly, I don't know, in the past five years or maybe more. And when somebody says, I appreciate you, it does land on me harder, like in a better way than I appreciate it. Because I'll just throw out and I appreciate it like crazy. But I still, in the same way, I haven't been able to internalize it yet. I don't say that to other people, although I will say when somebody says it to me, I take a moment.

I'm like, oh, thank you. It really does get harder. Do you remember when the New Yorker did a whole thing about how you're not supposed to sign emails best anymore?

Oh, I don't know if you remember that.

And so we went through this whole thing on the show. This is back a long time ago. We went through this whole thing on the show, and I landed on Warmly.

Uh-huh. I do remember this.

I started signing off everything Warmly, unless I have a tone. And then, as Jason always says, if you sign an email, he said, to me or anyone with, please advise, I know you are. so it's it's generally warmly but recently i've started doing take care during covet i started saying take care as my sign off uh-huh that's good but please advise is always in my back pocket

if you get an email from me that's signed tepidly i'm very very angry fededly luke um all right jen uh before we wrap this up what are you more Interested in talking about TikTok or sex and The city

What I wanted to say about sex and the city Is more of an interesting idea I think

Let me just I don't know why we feel the need to do this But I guess we'll just give everyone a spoiler alert In case there's something That will be spoiled

I cannot spoil

We spoiled it yesterday And again I don't know who the person is who's that excited to watch this But also hasn't watched it yet Like, I just don't know who that is.

This has been one of the biggest, like, kind of reveals, honestly, since the Red Wedding, I feel like.

But you guys know the comedian Nate Bargatze?

I don't. Yes, I love him.

I follow him on TikTok.

I love him, too. And he has a joke about the sixth sense. And his joke is that the way that husbands and wives fight is that, you know, women get...

the silent treatment and he said and we we know this so so completely that when we watched the sixth sense we thought that was reasonable that she never spoke to him the whole movie like they're just having a bad fight like it's a really good fight with a really great delivery and he got like in so much trouble for ruining the sixth sense oh what and i just i mean if if you can ruin the

sixth sense you can definitely ruin big yeah well i mean well i mean people need to him getting in trouble and that's he he shouldn't be in trouble i'm i take his side for that by the way i've only seen the end of that movie by the way in the theater i was driving into a drive-in theater to see whatever the next movie was and so we drove in and i i've only seen the last five minutes of

that movie i'm not joking yes what if the big spoiler in sex and the city involving mr big was a cameo by the band Mr. Big doing their hit song To Be With You.

I got to say, when I saw the headline Mr. Big Dies, I was much more upset until I realized that they were talking about sex and the city. Okay, so what's your unifying theory here?

It's that these reboots, there's something fundamentally not good about them, about this nostalgic TV, and it's about how it makes me feel. And what I would say is, And I'm not talking about the ones, like, one day at a time where they reimagined it and have a whole new cast. And I'm talking about, like, the original cast, the exact same characters, this idea. It's that it feels so warm and so inviting and so good. You know, Mark Twain said that nostalgia is mental masturbation. You know, it's not productive. Because there's something about it that is so warm and so inviting and feels so good to settle in there. but they've had to come up with new plots and they've had to come up with new conflict and so you left these characters in this place that felt so good and wonderful and now you still want to be there but you're so depressed because who they've now become and the choices that they've made and the you know where their relationships have gone is not where you had it in your head and yet you can't just turn it off because it feels so good to be back in this space with like in sex in the city literally the first thing that happened was they just explained why samantha wasn't there like in one sentence she moved to london and i was down to become a professional scatter when she's not doing her work as a mannequin

i know that feeling i mean so this world of like reboots and you know i don't live in the same pop culture world that you do um but i know that feeling of sometimes with books but often with a tv show or a movie that you just want to stay in that world but i don't want any more conflict like the show patriot was like that for us which i don't think you saw that right but you've probably heard me and luke babble about it you know patriot on prime yeah on prime yeah and so like i loved those characters so much and i wanted to live in that world so so much longer but i could not take the high level of stress of that show anymore and I wanted a season three where they just hang out and it's like that episode where it's like somebody's birthday and they're all just hanging out in the streets of what city is that Luke I can't recall Bruges no I know I almost

said that too but anyway we only hosted a podcast about the show why would I know what city they're in Amsterdam no Amsterdam

it might have been I can't recall what it's over in Europe but they're just hanging out right it's the one kind of reprieve in that show where where John isn't being chased or chasing or both or whatever and knocking his teeth out and all this like I just want to live in that world and this is actually something that I have I've said before to Genevieve and she thinks I'm I'm out of my mind but like we were at the Eagles the other day and there was a movie on that was one of those 70 horror films like an iconic one I just I just don't know them that well so I don't know what it was I think it was Michael Myers one whatever that is it was like the second one yeah and I loved everything about it except for the horror parts it was like kids hanging out at a camp i'm not even doing this as a bit i swear to god this is my real feelings about this like it was kids hanging out in the 70s film thing and they were splashing around and having fun and they were having a dinner out on the on the back porch of this cabin that looked absolutely perfect and i just wanted to live in that movie then they get all stabby and i'm just like can we just get rid of it could is there a place in the market for just like two hour long nice scenes of people enjoying each

there's company well this is a the all of these shows gilmore girls veronica mars you know they all left they left them in a spot where you felt good about where they've been left sex and city all of them you know you felt like perfect and seen and now you're so excited to see them again and yet they're killing you know veronica mars killed off a really main character in her reboot and Laurel I mean Rory is kind of

not a person that i want to be friends with and they're not doing it right and and yet i can't turn it off because i desperately want to feel that comfort that i felt when i loved those shows

and how easy it is you know what it's like it's like when you date someone and it's like really intense and then you break up and then you kind of keep getting back together because you miss the that person and you miss the way that you felt maybe when the relationship was good but then And every time you get back together, the sort of honeymoon period of like, ah, it's so nice to be around this person again, it gets shorter and shorter because you get more quickly back to, oh, this is why we broke up. Like you're kind of trying to get that feeling back, but it never quite delivers. And in fact, ends up being, you know, kind of counterproductive.

But I'm going to keep and I somebody else has been writing about this. A lot of people are saying this, like, I'm not going to not watch on on Wednesday tonight or tomorrow night. Like, I'm going to watch the next episode because it's so comforting. And yet I'm sad about it. And it kind of left me feeling depressed. So it's a losing battle with nostalgia, I think.

How long is this run? Do you know? 10 episodes or something? I think it's like 10 episodes, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, what about TikTok?

Okay.

You're loving it?

I love it so much. And it's like, it's the curating that I love so much that, and I don't know if this is true, but I heard a story that there's some kind of algorithm that's keeping track of how long you're watching a video before you swipe up.

Oh, I'm sure.

And so that frantic, like make sure you don't watch something longer than you need to because then you get on a bad track. Because I keep hearing that, oh, pretty soon it's just all teenagers, half-dressed, being inappropriate. I haven't had that happen yet, knock on wood, but I'm afraid of it. I know it's out there. Or like just going down some weird like gun-toting weird thing. Like I don't want to go into any bad directions, but right now.

If I see hashtag Trump, I am flicking that thing so fast because I do not want it to think that I want to see more of that. And that happens, you know?

Well, so, so far.

That's why you're on parlor.

So far, my experience. That's what my parlor phone is for. It's all wonderful because it's, it's all. So the majority of it is little dogs who don't want to go out in the rain. And they do the Justin Bieber voiceover immediately. No, immediately. No. Seeing what I have.

That's Bieber.

Yeah. That's when James, when he was, it's the Bieber carpal karaoke, which I highly recommend. It's wonderful. But Corden starts trying to say like, this is some choreography we could do. And Bieber's like, immediately. No.

I'm one of my favorite things is learning the origin stories yes on right these sound effects these drops that I'll watch hey holy spirit activate so then that sent me over to her

because she all of a sudden becomes so famous as the holy spirit activate lady then nobody knows who she is so then I'm sitting here having this surreal experience of having China Phillips be like my name's China Phillips my parents were in the mamas and papas I was in Wilson Phillips I'm married to Billy Baldwin for 30 years like she's having to explain who she is she's not just a

crazy meme it's such a weird thing wait wait wait the holy spirit activate lady from that family feud that's China Phillips yeah that's China wait is that is that is that from a oh is that from a

movie or a TV show no she was on celebrity family feud and it was her turn and that's what she does to get Christian she's oh my word you need to go have her introduce herself to you because she'll tell you all about her morning devotional instagram page china phillips super super christian her her channel is called like hippie christian that is blowing my mind because i watched that

video where's my breaking news sounder do you still have it luke do you have it on your end

i had no idea i was gonna break news here today i'm out of my element

I I watched that video from Family Feud and I just thought it was a I was struck by how kind of poised the woman seemed like she definitely was like, hold on. She was like, she was taking a lot of kind of control of the show, unlike just like a kind of a typical, you know, civilian who was on Family Feud who might be sort of overwhelmed by the situation. But I did not put it together. That was China Phillips from Wilson Phillips. I think her channel is called California Preachin.

Is that it or am I looking at the wrong thing?

It very well might be. She has, I mean, she's a huge online presence.

But what's your current, do you have a current favorite little sound bite that you say in your head over and over again?

Yes, I get it, get it, yeah, yeah, get it. What's that one?

Please don't look at me while you say that.

okay so the thing is is that it comes on it says play this sound and see if your baby dances and then it's videos of little babies and it starts going get it yeah yeah get it get it and every baby starts like doing their little and then of course there's the taylor swift so the um you know huge crowds of people singing the all too well is also a favorite i love that

also i like um okay let's go which is maybe it's just on me and addy's for you no i don't know that way you familiar with that no the way that it shows up a lot now is the video will be it's often women and they're like you know they're kind of doing that thing where they're like on a green they're in front of a green screen but it's like a badly projected like image like an airplane seat behind them or something and then this sound of it'll be like them getting out of a situation and then there's just audio of okay let's go and i was like just saying that and then at thanksgiving i said to adding started laughing and i was like what is the origin of that and it's this kind of really nerdy kid with like a dj setup and his dad is there and he's kind of testing the mic like the real video and just into the mic he goes okay let's go but like the all the forms that it's now taken all of the like memification of it makes me laugh i also really like um uh the girl ordering the pumpkin spice loaf uh-huh and they're out of it and she's okay perfect do you

know that one yes i do i really like i love the dancing a lot of the dancing memes i love too and there's the one um what's i'm gonna pick you up like a gentleman oh cadillac and they do like they bend over and kind of do like i'm gonna i'm gonna do you like michael i'm gonna kiss you like prince and then i found out that it's not i'm gonna do you like michael it's i'm gonna thrill you like michael i'm gonna thrill you like michael i'm gonna kiss you like prince and how do you

feel about the guy who says hold on you've been scrolling for way too long i hate that guy oh is that an ad oh yeah i don't even know what it's for because i just like it's a guy with there's a stop sign and he's trying to tell me i've been i don't know if it's a commercial or if it's immediately immediately no immediate okay let's go get it get it yeah yeah

i i just find it to be so wonderful because i then i do set my timer for 10 minutes

and and for 10 that's why you don't see that guy saying you've been scrolling an hour five of a low-grade depression scrolling and that's what he shows up but 10 minutes a day of like little dogs

not wanting to go out in the rain and people dads and their daughters dancing and all i mean i just find all of it delightful and i know it's going to get ruined i'm totally prepared for that but so far what do you mean it's going to get ruined well there's going to be like a teenager who you know clearly has some struggles show up something like that and she's not barely dressed i just keep hearing there's this really dark side and it's you're heading for it but so far i haven't had any real downside except you know every once in a while i wander onto something that i'm like but like is it asmr mmsr which way is asmr okay so i didn't even know how wonderful that is but i can watch yeah i have i follow this one lady that she just chops iceberg lettuce and it is so soothing that i mean i'll do it before bed i'll just watch some iceberg lettuce

chopping for a while have you watched have you ever watched it's called like the um i think it's called like two men in a pot or something or the two the guys the guys with a pot it's like these dudes are in i think it's actually ireland maybe it's poland actually but all it is is they're cooking over an open fire you never see the people in it but they're preparing food and very rustically so like it'll be on a cutting board that's just something they made out of a stump but then they like polished it's really nice and then they'll be like chopping up veggies and and making pasta fresh and then they're cooking it in a pan that's hanging over a fire that's crackling that they made that's so soothing it is honestly it is like the number one way for me to fall asleep now watching these guys or other things like that. Yeah, somebody cutting iceberg lettuce sounds amazing.

I'm just telling you, like, so far, it's only good for my life. I love it.

I don't have a lot to add here, but I do think it's interesting that as we record this, Luke, tonight, I'm going to see PDUSA at the Crop here in Seattle. And Jen, I don't know if you know who he is, but he was like, I knew him at first just as a comedian, but he's like a comedian musician who does just kind of weird, strange humor on TikTok. As you can tell, I'm not a big TikToker, but I think you must have introduced him to me, Luke. I'm sure that's why he's on my radar. But yeah, a mutual friend has had an extra ticket. So like tonight, and you know, he's just a musician in his own right. He just seems like a fascinating person. And he released some songs that Luke and I were obsessed with last summer, two summers ago. Time has no meaning. But it's just weird. Like, I'm not even somebody who's into this TikTok stuff yet. Tonight, I'm going to my first show of somebody who I was introduced to through TikTok. Like, it's happening.

Yeah, yeah, get it, get it.

Okay, let's go.

Here I go once again with the email. Every week, I hope that it's from a female. Oh, man, it's not from a female.

All right, an email or V-mail, Andrew, before we ski-daddle?

Yeah, let me play one voicemail for you. You were talking about installation art on the show the other day, and we got this voicemail from Marissa in Maryland. Maryland.

Hey, dummies. It's Marissa.

maryland uh like a hundred years ago when i was an undergraduate at brandeis university go judges we had like a little art museum on campus and there was an installation there where you were supposed to sign up if you wanted to volunteer to take a nap like inside this installation and like record your dreams or whatever as part of a dream or whatever so i was like sleep is where i'm a viking this is what i'm going to do for the art world because i'll never actually make art And then I get in, and I'm like, oh, so psyched to take a nap. I love naps. I get in there, and the whole installation is just about, like, playing annoying noises at you while you're trying to sleep, which they did not disclose ahead of time. It was the angriest I've ever been at art. Okay. Power out.

The angriest I've ever been at art. I'd like to know what number two is on that list.

That actually, I have to say, is kind of genius. Now, Jen, the reason that this came up on the show is because I was visiting the Art Institute in Chicago this weekend, this past weekend, and there's a lot of really amazing art in there, but the whole, like, the sort of show of the moment is a textual artist named Barbara Kruger, who I wasn't particularly familiar with, and I wasn't a huge fan of the work because it just felt obvious to me. it was like a giant poster that said shop till you drop and then had like the supreme logo on it kind of being like we shop too much it just it felt like it might have been edgy 30 years ago that's just my opinion other people are allowed to like it some people have been trying to everyone's been being cool to me but some people have been sending me info about barbara kruger trying to like give me some context but the thing that really bugged me was there was just a very ominous sound, almost like the axe murderer is about to come into the room you're in in the horror film, like that soundtrack. This is where you would go, the part of the art institute, the part of the museum where you would go to see Nighthawks, and also the Mary Chagall, you know, that painting where it's like a mom is bathing her daughter. It's a very famous painting. And then also American Gothic.

Don't they have all the don't they have all the monets there too don't they yes they have all these great like

impressionist works uh including yeah a lot of like monet and manet and uh and and serrat and all that so anyway as you're like walking to just try to get to where the like american gothic is and things like that you're hearing this very terrifying sound and we went looking for it because i just thought it was like in a room there was probably some video installation that had this sound leaking out and we couldn't find it and i asked a very nice security guard and he said it's just a hidden speaker that's just here to make people feel bad like he said i spent two

months looking for it i couldn't find it that makes me angry like me trying to find me very

angry cricket when i was a kid in the basement in valley city ohio you could never find those

things but i do kind of think it's a bit of a funny spoof to offer someone a chance to sleep in your peace and then just bombard them with terrible stuff marina would never do that because

Remember, she did that, too, where Abramovich, where you had to sleep in the installation. But it was peace.

I love her. I still want to be I want to be friends with her someday. She she slept in that thing and then she sleep on a bed. She slept on a bed one time, a bunk bed. And the ladder to the bunk bed was huge, very sharp knives that were upturned. I don't know what the statement of that was, but it was kind of intriguing. Hey, we actually we're going to go out with a song that you suggested, Jen. uh is this an ariana grande song is this a kelly clarkson song what is the story on this and why

are you so into it well it's kelly clarkson she wrote it so she has a new christmas album out she is in the middle of a divorce and it is uh it's kind of a super fun album because it's a divorced christmas album as somebody said has that been done before but this she and ariana are on the voice together and they've just clearly figured out that they love to sing together so they've been singing together like crazy is that they did that like sing off on jimmy fallon the other night like they're definitely going super viral about it but this song is super jam i love it but it's also like you know i've never actually had real love and you've never santa you've never actually brought me what i asked for which is real love so why don't you step it up kind of thing so i mean every song on this album that she wrote is is a bit of a diss but also done like wonderfully festive and as a jam which is a kind of interesting dissing santa got some tone issues

So you're saying, Jen, the voice is tepidly.

Did you ever sign off as a kid? Did you ever write a letter to Santa and end it with please advise? Be honest. I asked for this. This is this last year. I didn't get it. Please advise.

Oh, that's so great. So you're saying the voice is still pretty good?

I don't actually watch the voice, but I feel like I'm having a great time with their friendship.

That's good.

Yeah.

Thank you.

All right. Well, listen, that's how we're going to wrap things up. Jen, it was so nice to talk to you. I loved being here, you guys. Please let us know any time you're near a microphone and want to talk to us because we love having you on the show. Oh, you do the outro with Luke. Oh, okay. Oh, sweet. That's how we're going to end things today. We'll be back here tomorrow with more Imaginary Radio for you. Until then, have a great Wednesday. Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. And please remember, no mountain too tall.

And good luck to all.

So you're not, can you hear me?

I don't need a thing I sent a letter to you On how to make my dreams come true What I want for Christmas I can come and I've been so blue But tell me what can I do Oh, yeah Keep the missile

Keep the missile All I need Is what I need Can't you hear me? Keep those balls in boxes

See you later, suckers. I'm taking myself on a hot air balloon ride. Power out.