Muse

When we tear all the wood out, we want to get rid of anything that seems natural, authentic.

Get rid of the espresso machine, get rid of that, that, all goes, that, all goes.

Anything rustic is gone. Anything authentic, anything organic, anything permanent. Also, this is a vape store. Yeah. So we want a carpeting that's going to absorb, and I don't mean mask, but literally just absorb the odor so that when people come in here, they're just overwhelmed.

Okay, you want it to be pungent. Jaundice. Sickly, vomitous. A piece of vile. You want it to smell like old bubble gum.

Yeah, have you ever huffed an air wick? The lighting is too warm in here.

This is too, I'm feeling too good about this. You know, I want to see my own zits. Like an old thrift store or something, maybe. No, that's even too descriptive.

That's too kitschy.

It should just be like part of an airport that you ignore.

Think of hanging out inside a vending machine.

A cell phone store.

Batteries Plus.

Make sure your bathroom really has got a toilet that's way too high and kind of big. Also, two plungers.

Two plungers says it all.

TBTL!

Well, more bodily functions in the news this morning. The next time you pass gas, make sure no police are around.

That's science. These are facts. I'm just, I'm kind of flabbergasted when you say things like that. It's weird. Thank you.

Not a compliment. So maybe this isn't exactly the most polished radio broadcast you've ever heard.

No, you're, you're going to tell a story. I don't believe that I can bear to listen to another one of your stories right now.

All right. Hello. Good morning. And welcome, everyone, to a Tuesday edition of TBTL, the show that just might be too beautiful to live.

Hey, want to hear the most annoying sound in the world?

My name is Luke Burbank. I'm your host.

It's great to be alive! Celebrate it!

Coming to you from gorgeous, gorgeous Austin, Texas.

Oh, ma, pa, it's just beautiful.

It is cold here in Austin, but it is very, very pretty. Looking out on Congress Avenue and the Colorado River, which I believe I had kayaked on and jogged near, you know, intermittently over the course of many years and always called it the Austin River. I was confused how the Colorado River made its way all the way over here to Texas. And it was only recently that I learned I was referring to it by the wrong name. Nobody corrected me either. They're just kind of, they're easygoing down here in McConaugheyville. I actually saw a sign on a marquee this morning that said, Austin is going to be all right, all right, all right. I don't know if that's true or not, but I like the sentiment. You're going to like episode 3590 in a collector series. Let the fun begin. Because that is where we've arrived. And with all the bummer news in the world, we've got a truly beautiful story about a Seattle Kraken hockey fan, maybe saving the life of the equipment manager of the Vancouver Canucks hockey team.

From my point of view, it's a beautiful story. I love your story.

It involved a message that was written on a cell phone and a medical diagnosis. Anyway, we'll we'll dig into that story. Also, I was reading the paper in Portland over the weekend and I saw a quite heartwarming story about some hikers who were rescued after they carved S.O.S. in the snow. But then there was one element of the story that was kind of mentioned really casually, like without much more comment that I was like, oh, hey, y'all said my name. The mountain is named What Exactly? So we will talk about that. And also, time permitting, talk about some of the film and television that we watched during the break.

I don't even own a television.

We didn't get to yesterday on the show. We'll do that, plus some emails and V-mails. Lots of people with lots of theories about who the voice of You Gotta Eat That Microphone actually is. And we've got the source tape. So we'll play all of that for you Coming up here on the show With the help of this young man The longest running cobra of the show Maybe best known for his depictions Of the tall ships He is Andrew

Walsh

And he's joining me right now From the Roosevelt neighborhood of Seattle, Washington Good morning my friend

Good morning I think the question on a lot of people's minds right now is Will any of today's top stories Give me a gateway To go on a screed against the the misdeeds of a cop in kent washington i think they will i think they will this is hold on i've got an article today that got me all hot and bothered and one of your stories

right in tbtl breaking see i'm out here in texas so i'm not monitoring the comings and goings of the kent police department but uh i will i'll listen with great interest when you inform me on what exactly is going on.

Let me give you a hint. It's the.

exact kind of story we would never cover on tbtl but it happened to be the one article i read this morning in the local paper got me hot and bothered i'm crabby last night was a terrible terrible night

for browns fans i don't want to talk about it you don't want to talk about can't talk about can we talk about a side element to the whole thing which was the absolute panic that struck me at 30 000 feet when i realized something about today and i was unable to reach you but i also knew the emotional state you were probably in first of all let me say thank you we're recording a little bit early today um because of my schedule so i appreciate you doing me that kindness um i can't think of a worse day for me to ask this of you the morning after a cleveland browns game that was very frustrating for you and if there was any universe in which i could get kirsten dunst to move the interview back i would have but explaining that to the various handlers I think would have sort of fallen on deaf ears, but I got an update that they needed me over at the shoot a little earlier than I had thought, and so I was trying to text you from space because I was flying out here, and the text just kept bouncing back. And on another screen on my computer, I was monitoring the football game, which I knew was creating great frustration for you, and I was making a very sort of, I was making the least bad of a variety of not good decisions. Do I just, like, text you this morning and try to roust you? Do I text you at, like, 1 in the morning, you know, 3 a.m. Austin time? Like, there was no good time for me to ask this favor from you. And so finally I just had to email you. And I was like, I did that thing where I was, like, looking through my fingers as I hit send on the email because I felt terrible about it.

I really thought you were going to start to say that you didn't think it's appropriate to ask Kirsten Dunst whether or not she can complete a pass in an NFL football game. and that maybe she would be available.

I'm actually interviewing Case Keenum right after I interview Kirsten Dunst.

Yeah, I'd like to see more Case Keenum in the world, honestly. So anyway, one thing I will say about the sports weekend is I think the plan is to do a no-point conversion tomorrow, right? Are you still thinking that that's something we'll do? Because we've been pretty erratic about it this year, but we said we were going to be somewhat erratic about it this year because of our schedules and the weirdness of the season. So we can get into all of the all of the Browns. Whoa. But I'll say there is a lot. I feel like there's a lot to talk about. I went from yesterday feeling like, you know, it's the end of the season. It hasn't been a very great season for either of our teams. We can meet. We could even just skip the no point this week. But no, now I realize we need to block off about four hours because Andy's got some opinions.

I mean, there is a lot going out in the world going on, I should say, out in the world of sports to people quitting games and releasing. you know uh releasing rap songs at the same time there's questions as to if that was all some sort of complicated plan by Antonio Brown that what's going on you know the Seahawks seem to have just gotten it together exactly when it no longer matters I mean it helped that they were playing a less than great Lions team but yeah there's a lot to talk about we'll talk about it tomorrow I will mention though Andrew me trying to get a hold of you was not the only kind of just i don't what would i call it it wasn't the only moment of terror that i was having involving trying to communicate while on this trip out to austin so i'll try to get too in the weeds on this but basically on mondays we record a bunch of stuff for livewire and so when you and i finished up tbtl uh then i jumped on the line with elena passarello and we recorded a lot of the kind of Stuff you hear at the beginning, middle, and end of the show. And there's a whole chain of events that have to happen. We record these things from our respective homes. So Elena's at her place, I'm at my place. It's not unlike kind of what you and I are doing right now, Andrew, except because we're using Zoom, ultimately our fine, fine engineer, Molly Pettit, has to take all of these individual files, the recording of me at my house, the recording of Elena at her house, the guest at their place, and sweeten them up and get them all kind of combined So it sounds like we're in the same room and then get that to the editors stat because they are then Trey and Melanie, our fine editors, are quickly trying to turn the show around as the week goes on. So on Monday, I was in a bit of a rush, finished the live wire recording, grabbed the file off of the recording device that I use, dragged onto my desktop and just had this momentary thought of I should listen to this file. I mean what I'm describing to you Andrew is just an utter lack of professionalism I don't think you've probably ever Have you ever in your life like in this kind of situation Uploaded a file that you didn't preview

Of course not but I also have a lot of filthy files That's really self-preservation for you Yeah exactly I don't want it to be one of my I don't want it to be one of my ASMR audio files collection sure exactly right i mean it's just such a routine for me that and it you know it's one of those things that about 99 of the time it's fine and i was in a rush but i just remember having this momentary thought you should drag that thing into garage band burbs and just listen to it and make sure it's the right file of course i didn't do that i relabeled it and i sent it along on the internet to molly and then when i landed in la i had a text from molly that said i'm not sure what this file is but it's something about cold water swimming it's not the show and i was like you have got to be kidding me um and so i was changing planes at lax going from portland to la to austin and there was a very tight window it was like 40 minutes so i got off the plane i got cell phone service i saw that i had messed this up and i had to try to figure out how to fix it now it doesn't help and i'm not trying to spread molly's business around but molly happens to be in carmel california right now this is the nature of how we all work now everyone can be everywhere but when you need someone to go to your apartment and get an sd card out of the back of a device uh when everyone's spread out geographically things get really complicated so what i had to do was god bless molly's partner randy they live not too far away from me molly got on the horn with randy was like here's luke's number call him and i was like randy my friend you have 10 minutes to get to that apartment building because if you can get there i'm in the i'm on the plane andrew now it is the plane is is starting to push back i'm like if you get to the apartment building in 10 minutes and you dial this certain number on the keypad i can buzz you into the apartment building from my cell phone and then if you get up to the uh apartment itself i can let you in with my smart lock but this all has to happen before i lose cell service as this plane is taxing around lax and it was like your neighbor can watch all of this on his ringing security camera i didn't even think about that part of it but you're right like so this i mean forget oceans 13 this had the the like the stress level the john lurie music that was playing in the back of my mind like something out of um get shorty just the like intense propulsive sort of nature of these events like okay i'm like randy where you at and then he's like okay i'm five minutes away and then i'm like checking in with all these other things and then i'm like the plane's taxing i'm like please let this be one of those lax taxis it takes like an hour of course it wasn't so then like as the plane is about to start speeding up i he's like i'm here

And so, like, suddenly I get this call on my phone and I, like, buzz him in and then, like, I hit the smart lock, which we haven't even really talked about that. Those smart locks are maybe one of the greatest human inventions since the vaccine, Andrew. Are you familiar with this? Have you have you used them in any scenario?

Well, language alert here, but I passed a bumper sticker in Hawaii that says, fuck the smart lock. So I thought for sure that it was another.

It was like a truck parked right next to the anti-vax truck.

Exactly right. Yeah, so that was a not-so-great joke referring to yesterday's show. But I have not messed around with these, but I would be interested, especially if – well, I guess you're a renter. Did this smart lock come with the rental unit, or did you install this?

I installed it, but you don't have to destroy anything. I mean, basically what this thing is – and I got the one from August. We don't receive any money from these people. This is not an ad. but I mean really what it does is it just sits over the back of your deadbolt so you actually take the deadbolt off but it you screw it down it's they're they're very clever with these things so it fits over the plate of any kind of standard deadbolt and then you can still use your key so your actual physical key because you're just turning the key from the outside but once you get it all set up on your phone which is super easy to do you can set it on auto lock like I have it so it just knows anytime my phone is 20 feet like if I leave it just locks it behind me and when I'm getting out of the elevator walking towards my door it's unlocking it as I'm walking towards the door and you can let people like Randy into your apartment if you need them to get an SD card you can do that while taxing on the runway in LAX I mean it is a very very slick piece of

technology you also have a Roomba named Randy did that get confusing for anybody involved

First, I tried to get Randy the Roomba to do it.

That would be smart. I have a very unhelpful question for you, but of course I'm going to be stuck in that. Like, because this is so unlike. You're right. Like, I wouldn't. I don't send anything without checking it first. When I'm sending a link in an email. We're talking about file management. I'm not joking. When I send a link now, like, what I do is when I record and mix, like, a bunch of our ads that we insert into this.

show i gotta kind of mix those and then i send them off by the way i love in an email your what

was your ad that you there i was listening to the show yesterday for a minute and you did a song no idea in an ad for zoc doc i loved it you do i recorded those so long you did like a poem or a song you started breaking into song i thought it was a very entertaining commercial and i really

i honestly don't remember that but i'll go back and listen that's good uh thank you but um like so what i do is i take these this is boring sorry but i take these files so let's say we have three spots to turn in in a week like zoc doc and two others right um just giving zoc doc all the love today i will uh put i will put them into um dropbox right and then i copy each dropbox link so in an email i'll be like here's zoc doc link here is um name another advertiser uh hello tushy here's the link and then whatever the third was here's the link i will then copy and paste each of those links out of the email and put them into my browser and and check each link to make sure that i was copying and pasting the right thing there i am so paranoid about sending the wrong thing to the wrong person that i go through that now i will admit that that is extremely detail-oriented and you might even say paranoid but the idea of just taking a file and you mentioned like opening it in GarageBand, what happens if you just double click on a file? Because I have my audio editing software, Adobe Audition, which is like your GarageBand. But like, I don't need that just to quickly check a file. If I just double click on a file, I can just hear the beginning of it using, you know, whatever media player happens to pop up. The reason that I don't

like to do that, and this is where we all knew the show would go this morning, is because there's probably a setting that I just am too lazy to set up where it won't do this. But right now, if i double click on a file it opens it in like apple music but then it's permanently a file and that's just kind of got yeah that kind of got on my nerves there's not a really easy preview function and so instead of of doing that instead of just taking literally 30 seconds to drag you know the other thing andrew and you'll appreciate this and some of our listeners who work in this kind of with this kind of stuff will also appreciate it you know what else had my spidey sense tingling it didn't take as long as it should have to drag onto the desktop and that's like it's like you know what man listen to your intuition burbs like i was i remember thinking well that went fast and of course that went fast as a bad sign that means the file is not as large as as it should have been which means it's probably me saying something about the south end rowing club and their swim program it's probably not me recording an hour-long radio show so yeah or if

it takes way too long you know it was probably like yesterday's tbtl exactly like it's just i

mean i should have i this is all related to my over scheduling of myself and my my inability to i don't know my inability to my my time optimism which gets which is why we're dialing up at 8 30 your time this morning because of me thinking we can fit all of this in and of course it's you know It gets challenging. So anyway, thank you again for dialing up early this morning. Sorry to Molly and Randy. I just want to apologize to everyone I work with for all of the hassle that I create for everybody.

But do you think that – I mean I don't think – I'm not going so far as to say that you would subconsciously do something like this. That is ridiculous. But there must – listen, we're on the extreme ends of this situation, me describing how I sent an email with a few links in it to a colleague and, like, me just being, like, super needle-nosy about it and then the way you live your life. I'm not saying that either one of us is right or that this is a situation where anybody has to be right. This is not debatable. No, because you could also look at, well, what is my production output in a day as opposed to somebody like you. I think about our buddy Broadcast Barry a lot about this, too, because he's such a go-getter and he's always on the move.

I think he opened three businesses during dinner when we were having dinner with him and Sam in Hawaii.

Exactly. He's opened three businesses since we started this show. And, like, he posted a really inspirational Instagram story one time that was about his day where he woke up. And, like, I don't know enough about the coffee business. I don't remember the details of it. But, like, it was a big roasting day, like, for roasting of the beans. And something went down. Like, some piece of equipment went down. And instead of just being like, well, this sucks and it's going to hit the bottom line for us, but we'll just have to rearrange. He did some just ridiculous antics. He, like, got on a flight that he booked 10 minutes before it was off the ground.

He had to drive a piece of equipment to Portland or fly it or some madness.

He strapped it to the top of the plane and flew back. I don't know what it was. And it wasn't braggy. It was really something that I think about all the time. And he closed it just by saying that's what that. how you get things done like you just don't take no for an answer and I think of you as somebody who again we talk about that in sometimes good scenarios and sometimes bad but like you don't take no for an answer you figure this stuff out but I do wonder like I live my life and I even mean like to the point of I don't like the feeling of just making an airplane right like I I do everything I can to be 10 minutes early because I hate hate hate the feeling of being in traffic and watching the clock tick down closer and closer. I mean for my stupid physical therapy appointments where there's something in my head where I always thought, boy, if you show up late for any kind of a doctor's appointment, like, that's it. That's the end of the game. They stop giving you any kind of medical care. They'll put you on a list denying you coverage going forward. They just say no more. Yeah, exactly. They take you behind a barn. They spank you and holler at you, which is the worst, and then they kill you.

That's the file you want to try to not send to our colleagues.

I think I just said that to Annie Hayward. Oh, no. Anyway, so but it is true. Like it's a compulsion for me to be early because I hate the feeling of anxiety of potentially being late for some place. You are obviously more comfortable with it. But like, again, I'm not I'm being very careful. Like I would never say that subconsciously you want to create these scenarios because that's ridiculous. But like you do live your life in a way that like, well, you certainly don't have the negative. It doesn't have the negative impact on you the way it has on me as far as just like straight up anxiety is concerned. But you also must get a bit of a rush. You're often in situations like this. Well, I will tell you.

Maybe not like maybe not like this, but when Molly told me, because until Randy got the SD card and took it back to their home and then had to poke around in the files, you know, I didn't even know. So, I mean, I remembered very carefully looking at the recording, like watching it happen. So I felt sort of confident it was on that SD card. But I also was wondering, why had I grabbed the wrong file? Did something weird happen? And so basically when I got the, then I got sort of, you know, I got connectivity again once I was up in the air. And when Randy texted me, we found the file, it's all good. I will tell you the adrenaline rush from that was pretty extreme. But you know what else? i i don't know if it's just getting older or what but like i felt like i don't want to throw this around casually because i know people really do suffer from this but i felt like i was having a low kind of a low grade panic attack all day like from when i got up in the morning i slept 10 hours the night before i went to bed at eight on sunday night i think eight or nine oh eight got up pretty early on monday but i mean i slept an extreme amount of time and from the moment i woke up probably until i got that text from randy including when we were doing tbtl including just throughout the day i just felt this heavy weight of anxiety and i think it was because of this kirsten dunst interview that i'm going to do was because of trying to thread the needle of all the scheduling it was because they're canceling flights left and right and am i going to get you know from Portland to LA in time to get to Austin am I going to test negative on my COVID test this morning all of that stuff I think was really kind of getting to me and I actually had to do like a breathing exercise midway through the day I like sat down and I just like thought about my breath and I just tried to get into my body because I just I felt I can't describe it I just felt deeply upset so I guess my point in that is I do think all of that stuff kind of does actually pile up in my brain i wish that it was like it's weird because for as often as i create those situations i don't think it's totally totally uh does not have an effect on me if that

makes any sense and you think maybe more so as you get all well maybe it's more so because you're stacking more things up i mean this has got to be your like has there been a period in your life i know you've always been a go-getter a real broadcast berry as it were but like um has there been a period in your life where you've been stacking up more gigs and been like more stretched

thin no and in fact you know like when we did tbtl as a radio show we were doing live radio for three hours a night but that was the only thing i was doing and so maybe there was maybe a little bit of stress around that but it was it what this the stress again everything i'm describing is my own creation and also extreme privilege that people ask me to do these gigs but what a moment that stands out in my mind is we were shooting a thing for CBS in California it was about training rescue dogs to search through like the rubble of disasters and we were in the middle of nowhere in California and also I had to do live wire that day and there was like no moving these two things so I'm trying to do live wire like from the car but on my cell phone signal is terrible, so then I have to go get on the Wi-Fi.

in this like center where they're rescuing the pets and there's all these people trying to work and i'm just like in a random office and they can hear me and i'm like literally using a um like there was a dog bed on the floor because there's dogs everywhere at this place and i literally got the dog bed and tried to make it into like a sound you know absorption thing and meanwhile the that's

not the worst actually given the shape of those things i know i was lucky it was a lucky stroke

that that was even there but it's like and then i'm trying to do the the show and my job on that show is to sound convivial and relaxed like i'm having a nice time doing this not like i'm in a dog rescue training center in california with a dog bed as the backdrop as i can see out of the corner of my eye the founder of this thing this quite incredible woman who's in her 80s is now sitting in the sun because they've set up the whole shoot so one eye is on this thing i'm doing for the radio and the other eye is on and you know all these people waiting on me and i i do remember feeling pretty close to having a meltdown in that scenario um is that the one where you started barking i remember it ended up on the that was a stress reaction that was definitely i see that yeah i mean so i guess to answer your question i do think because i because i'm very loathe to turn things down and because i feel like oh that's cool i'm actually a big fan of kirsten dunst's work and boy oh boy until you actually like get on someone's imdb or you start going through their work you forget she has been in a tremendous number of really amazing projects i mean eternal sunshine of the spotless mind um you know little women she was in that awesome season of fargo this movie the power of the dog that she's in i think is a really fine film as well um which is i'm like the 1000 millionth person to say that like it's probably going to win all the oscars but anyway i think i was like well this is a cool opportunity i'd like to have a chance to do this but then how do i make everything else work around that and again it's the thing about your approach to life is that no one has to pick up the slack for you and that's why i think it's a superior uh way to do things because it's just you're just not constantly asking people to go to your apartment and get an sd card or can we start the show a little early even though the Cleveland Browns stomped your heart into a million pieces. So I've got to figure some things out so it doesn't – I'm not – the way that I'm doing this is not by just offloading a ton of emotional labor onto other people that I work with.

It is weird, especially given some of the jobs I've had and responsibilities I have. I think I almost have a – what's the word? It's very difficult for me to ask for things. and potentially maybe getting worse. I'm not sure about that, but that's really odd, right? Because, like, as a radio producer, that was the main part of my job for years and years, and I loved my job, but my job was convincing people who might not want to come on the radio to come on the radio, you know, or tracking people, you know, and making asks of people and saying, hey, we have to bump you to this segment or whatnot. I was constantly asking, and, like, that's a big part of the job. And, like, one thing that I've been doing, I mean, for years, when this pandemic started, you know, I was volunteering with the group that does the pop-up kitchen that serves food on Sundays. Like, when we switched over to some new model for the pandemic, I said, oh, okay, well, I'll just organize this for a few weeks. I have everybody's email address, so I'll be the, I can organize it. I'm just like, what is that, left-brained? You know what I mean? It's just attention to detail, so this is something that I can do. Well, nobody thought when that started that this was going to be the norm. We thought we'll put our heads down and get through this for a few months and then we'll go back to normal and the usual organizers will take up their roles but it's been two years now and every single week i'm the person who's organizing and saying hey we still need somebody to to bring vegetables and hey you know we i there's a there's a um maybe there's a there's a added layer of guilt that i have in asking for things because then during the football season i take off kind of physically like i'm not there I can't be the person who brings the physical equipment every week as I usually do so then I'm and I'm still organizing but I've told people I'm not gonna take part in this because football is more important to me but I'm still the person who's like hey we need somebody to bring the tables hey who's gonna bring and I I hate it like I've been doing this for two years I don't I don't hate I don't I I don't hate organizing it but I hate asking and I feel so guilty and it's like i'm not asking people to bring tables over to my house so we can have a party right you know what i mean i'm just asking people to volunteer for something that we all volunteer for because we think it's important but luke i hate it when it gets to be like friday and we still don't have somebody who's like in a sign up for one of the more kind of complicated or less fun roles and i can be like we still don't have somebody who's doing assembly hey everybody who wants to do this and i'm always like gritting my teeth and just hoping that i'm not coming off as like a nag i just it is true that i don't like asking for things i wonder if in your job life

you just have taken on i mean you do a lot of stuff that the listeners are unaware of just in the technical with the technical side of the show and the newsletter i mean we have great people that we work with and and that help you out but but also it's like you sometimes you don't have a conversation would be like you will not believe you can edit this out if i'm sharing too much but you'll just go like dude if i try to explain to you the new hoop that has to be jumped through for x y or z to happen you're like it's it's you know it's pretty intense and then i'll say well can we get my response is well who can we get at the company to do this and you're like you know if i learn it then then it's just i can do it and i'll just add it to my list and stuff and it's Like, I wonder if part of that for you is because you don't like asking for people to do things. So you just kind of continue to accumulate all of this stuff so that you're just doing it. You're not asking someone. You're not asking someone to bring the tables on Friday, whatever the TBTL version of that is.

Maybe. I think I don't mind saying this, although it gets into some maybe personal things. But, like, I think with TBTL stuff, it's also just more of a, like, I feel protective of TBTL. You know what I mean? Like, I don't know. It's sort of like a camel's nose under the tent thing. Like I would just try to make as little as an impact at APM as much as possible. You know what I mean? Like I don't like to stand up and wave my hands and say to everybody, hey, don't forget you're paying us to do this show because I still have this paranoia that someday somebody at APM is going to wake up and be like, wait, what's a TBTL and why are we paying this while trying to do it? So I don't know. That's probably part of it, too.

Yeah, I don't know. i feel like at this point it's so many generations removed from well steve nelson called in yesterday i just feel like we're just we're grand we're grandfathered in now like it's just you know part of the deal when you when you when you become a supervisor at apm you have to deal with this weird crotchety podcast of these two guys just talking to each other about the cody system or the cleveland browns just like it just comes with the place hopefully that as long as the as long as the tens are able to keep supporting us i guess we can keep doing this for our job

I really do need to emphasize that again, too, because while I'm oversharing here, I should say again, because we say it when we're asking for money and we're not actively asking for money right now. Although thanks to everybody who did donate at the end of the year to get that get that Home Alone track. But yeah, no, that is, of course, why I mean, APM does know we're here. This is a this is, again, a weird paranoid fantasy I have. I'm still in that mode when we were new thinking like, oh, there's still people at APM who don't know we're here. So we're just getting away with something like that was a big that was that was like. my mentality for, like, the first two years of being at 8 p.m., right? I'm like, oh, okay, Steve Nelson hired us, but nobody else knows. Right. And he's cool.

It came down to, like, Steve approaching a guy named Dave Kansas at the work Christmas party. I'm sure you remember this. Like, Steve had gotten all of the yeses that he needed for them to be like, okay, we're going to hire these two jabronis. But there was one last yes that he needed. He couldn't get it from the dude, Dave Kansas. And so he said, the work Christmas party is happening. I'm going to corner him. And I was like, I was walking around in port towns. I remember being so nervous. It was like I was on the dark side of the moon and someone was trying to like remotely land some kind of like lunar thing. And I was just going to find out at some point if it worked or not. And then I just remember getting a message from him like, we're a go or something. And I think I probably immediately like texted you. But, yeah, I was like, that's how we got that's how we got these jobs.

I remember where I was for one of those intense conversations where you and I were talking. This is before it was like, hey, we got the go. But we were waiting to hear the news that like they were going to send white smoke out of the top of the Kling Broadcast Center or whatever was going to happen. But like I remember like because I was, you know, working my butt off. I'm sorry. That was crude. I was working my tail off at KCRW, which was then on the campus of Santa Monica College. and um i remember like having these conversations with you also just like working kind of constantly around the clock and then like i remember wandering around the campus not even really knowing where i wasn't ending up in a skywalk somewhere i don't know if that's the right term for it but like i remember being on some sort of encased like no maybe it wasn't encased because it's santa monica so the weather was great but i found myself on some footbridge that i'd never been on before and sort of looking around and being like where am i while i was talking to you about whether or not whether or not the moment was right for steve nelson to talk to dave kansas i assume i think it was kansas i don't know who it was all i know is somebody he had to talk to at a holiday party i'm like yeah are you watching are you waiting for two and a half cocktails in is that like the perfect moment for for the person you're making the pitch to i mean like oh yeah okay now this person is ready but um i will say just to close the loop on what i said before it truly is like on Honestly, at this point, yeah, they know who we are. We're on the radar for better or for worse. And it's not because they love us, but it's because they love the listeners. That's for damn sure.

I think they love us. I think they find us to be generally, I mean, because of all the work that you're doing, I think we're pretty low impact. And I think we try to be pretty nice. Yeah, that's true. I don't think there's any animosity. I just think there's confusion. No, no, I didn't mean to imply that. Well, speaking of our colleagues who listen to the show, actually, our friend John, who we work with, suggested one of our top stories. So let's take a quick break and then we come back. I'll tell you what's been going on in Crackentown. Coming up here on TBTL. speaking of the wonderful listener support of this program we got to thank some donors of the day these are the very people keeping tbtl in business people like katherine palacios of houston texas It's over there in the Energy Corridor. You can almost see it from here in Austin, Andrew. I actually don't know if that's true. I'm not good with Texas geography. I don't know how far away Houston is from here, but I sure appreciate Catherine down here in the Lone Star State supporting the program. Also, Minnie and Estella lie in Seattle, Washington. Thank you, Minnie and Estella. Those are two boss names. Those are really great names. I want to watch that cartoon. I want to watch that Animaniacs episode or whatever's going on with Minnie and Estella. Thank you. Harris Levinson is on Vashon, Washington. Everybody's moving to Vashon, Andrew. Have you noticed this? No, I haven't. I'm surprised you and Veves don't have any friends who've moved to Vashon. I feel like there's a great Seattle migration to Vashon. I can think about five different friends who have decamped for Vashon.

i feel like the let me take a stab at this i know i know of one person who's kind of in our circle um but uh my guess is it's a combination of us getting to a certain age and the pandemic and allowing people to work from kind of anywhere and you know maybe you know people hitting a certain income bracket and then therefore being able to like kind of live a more like cozy slightly less plugged in life on that i think those are all factors i think it's also that

the real estate market in seattle is so wild that a lot of people have decided to cash out and then go somewhere like vashon that's i mean there are certainly multi multi-million i think bean is still selling a multi-million dollar house on vashon but but there are also places that are maybe more affordable and so i think and the quality of life is really great out there it's also pretty close to seattle i don't know how this turned into an ad for vashon island for a day or a lifetime but uh thanks harris for supporting the program also elona geary is in newport news virginia i feel like last year when elona donated i feel like we got onto the newport news virginia like wikipedia site it's such a unique name i know there's a backstory to it i believe we've discussed on the show but i have no memory of it i feel like it's very difficult to

find the news outlets for newport news like how do you find do you just google newport news news

that's what you do yeah um well alona thank you so much for uh for being out there in newport news i'm guessing based on not remembering what the real story is that it was like newport news maybe it was like where people would come in from sea and they would say like they would bring the news with them from like you know europe or something or afar and that's where you would go because when those ships would dock that would be that was how the information was being transmitted they were like we used to be in the bahamas now we're here and this is what's going down etc

i'm looking here let's see well first of all i'm on the virginia pilot a good a very good newspaper by the way um i love the names of newspapers like how did it become the pilot but what i'm reading the pilot to figure out how it became the newport news it says the origin of The news is a mystery, but the Newport part is not. Historians agree that the city was named in the bacon. But why stop? Oh, there's an ad. This article is also an audio. You just lost me, Virginia. Wow. Yeah. Anyway, but OK. Well, they're explaining that Captain Christopher Newport is why it's named Newport. But that's not the interesting part of this.

Yeah. What's the news on Captain Newport? Maybe. Yeah. Alona knows. Jonathan Clark is in Chicago. i l jonathan thank you for supporting the program thanks for going nuts on clark my dude you know there's a place in in there's a number of locations in chicago but also in o'hare airport called nuts on clark it's actually spelled different than

Jonathan's last name has an E on it but our former colleague Dave Ross loved Nuts on Clark he was always talking about Nuts on Clark he always wanted to get something from Nuts on Clark

and when I used that was a New York thing too right isn't that where he was must have been I

mean he's from he's from New York State so maybe that was where he maybe I just knew about it in Chicago because that's where I had seen it but I feel like every time I would tell him that I was going to Chicago to do wait wait he would say grab me something from Nuts on Clark and I never did Andrew and I if I ever get back to the Windy City I'm getting a nuts on Clark Something on nuts on Clark for our Friend Dave Ross maybe I'll see Jonathan there and then Christopher

Anderson like an insult doesn't it I Always think it's just nuts on Clark it Sounds like something you yell at Somebody when you're mad dry up yeah Exactly go suck an egg or something

That the 30 rock writers would be Trying to come up with in that one bit Where it's like coming up with catch Phrases and trying to create shows from them nuts to you mcgillicuddy believe is one of them uh christopher anderson and everett washington thank you as well for supporting tbtl thanks to all of our donors of the day for making the show possible we would not be here without you see our previous comments please hello and welcome to top story uh i'm not sure if you have seen this story bouncing around yet but it's a quite interesting one our friend john who we work with and who you all may have gotten an email from because he works in the membership department and helps fundraise for tbtl uh he sent this to me during the break and it's the story of the vancouver canuck assistant uh equipment manager and uh the his guy's name is brian hamilton but he goes by red and whenever somebody's got in my experience by the way my paternal grandfather who I never met went by red and anytime somebody goes by red in my experience they are going to have freckly they're gonna have pale skin that's freckly and probably red hair that's tends to be how you get the nickname red and of course what comes with that is a certain amount of concern around melanoma and things like that so red hamilton was working his assistant equipment manager duties at a kraken uh game do we call it a game is it a hockey game i had planned on learning about hockey andrew and then i never oh you were thinking it's like instead of match it wouldn't be a match i think it's a hockey game okay hockey game i really am kind of embarrassed that i think that the kraken thing just passed me right by now i love that people love it and i love that it's happening but i i think i watched the first game and I just wasn't able to connect with I just don't know enough about how it worked and so it didn't intrigue me as much as watching a football game or basketball or baseball game would and then the season just kind of barreled along and now they're just doing their thing and I just feel like I honestly like the window for me to know or care about the Kraken is kind of closed other than just feeling positive that they exist yeah and also I you know maybe if they had

caught fire right away but their inaugural season has been a real struggle i know but that's about all i know it is game you're absolutely right why did is it a soccer match soccer is a soccer game

soccer they go with match um i don't know i'm just not confident talking about hockey yeah we were actually talking about this story on the live wire recording that i almost didn't send to the right place well no i didn't almost i literally didn't send the right file and i was talking to elena And I said, well, the hockey, what do they call? It's not the dugout. And then we'd stopped. And then I was like, looked it up. Oh, it's the bench. It's the bench.

The bench, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This guy is Red Hamilton's working away at the bench. And there is a Kraken fan named Nadia Popovici, who's 20 years old, or 22, I should say. And at some point, she taps on the glass, because she's very close to where this is all happening, and taps on that glass that separates the the the bench and hockey from the fans and she holds up her cell phone and she has typed a message into her cell phone that basically says that mole that's on your neck looks like it could be cancerous um you should get it looked at and there's so much like detail to the story actually or at least so much explaining of kind of the human behavior so this guy red hamilton is kind of embarrassed in the moment he said later like he didn't know what to make of it he didn't know if he was being trolled this was like some high level just like messing with the team or he and he just kind of didn't know what to do so he didn't do anything he didn't say anything to her he didn't give her a thumbs up he didn't give her a thumbs down he just kind of pretended like he was ignoring it but he wasn't also nadia papavici it turns out was trying to wait for a moment when there weren't that many people around because she didn't want to embarrass her? him because she said she felt really weird kind of commenting on someone else's body but but she did think that this thing looked like it could be kind of dangerous so she types this thing out on her phone anyway this guy pretends like he's not seeing it but sure enough after the game he goes to the team doctor and the team doctor takes a look at it turns out it's cancerous he goes to the the doctor who looks at those kinds of things and the guy says you know if you would have come back to me in like four years from now you would have not lived now four years feels like a long time but who knows i mean what it was a pretty small mole it sounds like it's now removed and he's cancer free but i've got moles on my back that i probably should have looked at years ago like it's not impossible that this could have just been something that went on in this guy's life without any comment on it until it was something that literally could have

killed him yeah now of course the first question here is was this whole story just a setup by the Melanoma Research Association of America. Big Melanoma? Which I strongly believe. Well, that's what the problem was. Actually, you know what I thought was the most, unless this story has been floating around and it's been in all kinds of publications, so I don't know if you and I are working off the same source material. I think I read about it maybe in the Seattle Times. I swear in the article I read, they said that the team doctor did the first removal. Oh, I didn't see that part. I know that that's not the point of this story, but that is so shocking to me. I believe the story I read said that he went to the team doctor, and I thought the team doctor would say, like, oh, yeah, that does look like something you want to get checked out. Go to your doctor. But the version I read said he went to the team doctor, and the doctor said, oh, yeah, that doesn't look good, and took it out for him, and then they had it biopsied, and then he went to a different doctor to, you know, kind of make sure that it was all out. Clean the edges, as they say. Exactly, right. But is that not shocking to you? When you're like a coach on a team, you just go to the team doctor, and the doctor's like, yeah, I'll pluck that problematic mole out for you?

I mean, I'm sure that the team doctor for the Vancouver Canucks is very competent, but I think I want to go to somebody. I want to go to the guy who cut a mole off the back of my head where my bald spot was starting to happen, and the mole was, A, a little funky-looking, and B, was right where I was going to have much more real estate that was visible to the world. I think I told this story years ago on the show The problem was they just locally anesthetize you And depending on what's going on with the mole It's not a non-grusome process So I didn't really want to like Look at it happening, right? So I'm staring off into the middle distance But this dermatologist was apparently like The best dermatologist in Seattle Because his walls were completely lined With mirrored Like Seattle Magazine Seattle's best dermatologist But it was like a magazine cover But it was on a mirrored surface framed there was nowhere i could look in the room that it was like a hall of mirrors watching this guy go to town on this mole on top of my head like can we have one picture like blood splattering

across one of these mirrored documents while you're just sitting there grimacing it was honestly

kind of upsetting because i just wanted to not think about it and again i don't know what i thought it was going to be but it was a little bit more it was a little more battlefield surgery than i was expecting it to be it wasn't even that it hurt it's that it was gruesome and i didn't want to see the look on his face as he went to town but i couldn't avoid it because there was no non-reflective surfaces so anyway even so i would probably still go to that guy over the hockey doctor just based on what their expertise is now this nadia papavici person is also just almost like made up or something she's 22 years old she uh is about to go to medical school the Teams kicked in $5,000 each, so she's got a $10,000 scholarship to medical school now. She's been reunited with this guy. Also, apparently, someone just noticed that in her neighborhood, she had gone around with flyers. This is unrelated to this mole thing. By the way, how is it that we have a story about a mole, and I missed my chance to play my favorite drop-on show?

Want to add a few comments regarding your mole situation?

That's right. dwayne masterson checking in from minnesota anyway um she also had just gone around her neighborhood putting up flyers saying if you need someone to go to the grocery store for you because of the pandemic i'd be happy to help and she was putting this up in places where she thought there were some neighbors that might be a little bit elderly or immunocompromised like i don't understand how this young person got the way that they are but i mean she just seems like an absolute gem of a human being and like knew about this mole being problematic because of some medical volunteer work that she had already done like that's how she knew that this was concerning because of some other basically charitable endeavor that she had done so

anyway she sounds amazing it was like a she said it wasn't like oh i just saw a mole and it might have been

problematic so i wanted to flag it um she's like it was like she's like i'm in school now and this was a textbook example of a problematic mole like it wasn't a question to her it was like oh when you flip to the chapter on moles that will kill you it's this thing and i'm looking at that so she felt compelled because otherwise that's a pretty bold like like you said and like she mentioned like that's a pretty bold and uncomfortable move to be like slamming your fist into the glass to get somebody's um attention so you can mention something on their body you

know i know we should get to um some emails here because i am uh as we've established clearly kind of on a time crunch here but i will just say am i a terrible person that i think ten thousand dollars sounds kind of low like it's medical school someone's life was saved these are billion dollar corporations let's go 100k 10k i mean 10k is not nothing but how about like we'll pay for your first year of med school or something yeah yeah i don't know where this money

came from i that hadn't really occurred to me i mean it's you know it's she was already going to medical school so this is just like ten thousand dollars off the top which i'm sure she's very grateful for sure um so yeah i don't know i don't know what i mean i didn't expect the equipment the

assistant equipment manager to pay for it i just thought maybe like i mean the as we say in the business the earned media for these two teams over this is over a hundred thousand dollars of billboards or whatever these teams are doing to advertise and have feel-good stories like this is the ultimate feel-good story and um you know i don't i was like oh ten thousand how many medical textbooks is i don't know i didn't go to medical school the listeners will be shocked to hear but again ten thousand dollars is not nothing but i was like i don't know how about just cover a year of the school for this person because we know that debt getting out of medical school is a real

problem for a lot of people of course on the other hand it's going to lead to just like a scourge of people just like yelling at other people about like things that especially hockey coaches like hockey coaches are not going to get like any they will not be able to pay attention to the game at all because everybody will just be screaming at them hey you want to get that looked at and hoping

to get it'll be on the streets anywhere you go will be aspiring med students diagnosing things hoping that they catch a little bit of that sweet, sweet moolah after they properly diagnose the situation.

Yeah, people yelling at, like, Jeff Bezos, just, like, just looking for the – I love that that would be what they would start. By the way, is he off his nut now? Did Genevieve flash me – like, it was during the game yesterday, so I didn't pay much attention, but Genevieve flashed me some photo of, like, Jeff Bezos. Is he just, like – is he in, like, full swinger mode or something now? I mean, he clearly went to Dan Flashes for that shirt. That's exactly what Genevieve said. 150 out the door. She showed me a photo. Yes, you're right. That is the photo because she said it looks like Bezos went to Dan Flashes, and I mumbled something about Case Keenum. But, yeah, but I'm just remembering this now out of my haze. Wasn't he wearing, like, wraparound sunglasses and, like, looked all discoed out?

He's obviously, like, working out a lot. My guess would be he's on HGH, and he's loving the fact that his body is changing. He has this girlfriend, Lauren Sanchez, and he's just – It seems that he's really delighting in this new version of his life. And so he took this photo, I think it was New Year's Eve, probably. There's a big 2022 behind them. They're by a swimming pool. And I think he's just kind of like, I'm not going to apologize for being one of the richest people on planet Earth. I just think he's kind of from that original. I mean, he was kind of an understated guy and kind of a little bit mousy. And I think he's kind of going through that mid-late. It's not even midlife. I think I'm in midlife. He's a little ahead of me. So kind of late life reinvention thing. I think I wrote on Twitter, yeah, I do NFTs. Never figured this dude would get Pitbull surgery because he looks like Pitbull in that photo.

Oh, he does look like Pitbull. Yeah. That's what it is. Worldwide vibes. Yes, those are the vibes.

Here I go once again with the email. Every week, I hope that it's from a female. No, man, it's not from a female.

All right, Mon Frere. We have about five or so minutes for this. What do you got for me?

I wanted to do a little roundup here. I wanted to say that as we're talking here, your line, because you're on the road, it has broken up a little bit. Not terribly. It's not putting me off at all. But we probably will need your file today in order to make this podcast a little bit more listenable for the audience. Should I get Randy over here? So after the show today, I was going to say, yeah, do you just want to give me Randy's direct line? Or how is this going to work when I need your file at the end of the show today?

I've got to install a smart lock on this hotel room in the Marriott.

Because this is not a bit. It's very rare that I need you to send me a file. And I'm just thinking, huh, after today's show, I'm going to ask Luke to send me a file. We'll see how that goes. No. I will double check it. What I want to do really quickly for the e-mails and V-mails segment today is I thought it was interesting. You must have the drop on.

hand right now right you play the you gotta eat that microphone which is one of the oldest drops in tbtl history i believe you've been playing that since day one i think i actually don't know

if i have it on this computer that i brought here um oh no no of course i do what oh you know what i'm playing the uh music as well so let me just stop that i mean as if people can't just picture it in their ears what eat that microphone sounds like let me just picture it in your ears picture in your ears my friend you gotta eat that microphone that's the drop we're talking about

and i have heard that a million times in my life and i've always assumed it was adam sandler like to me that sounds exactly like adam sandler you told me yesterday before the show when i made a comment about it you said oh that's not adam sandler that's actually um who is it again fred armison fred armison blinked on his name there for a second um i got this note from craig that It says, I've always thought that audio drop was also Adam Sandler, even after Luke said it was Fred Armisen. Oh, I should have just read this. It was right there. I still think it's Adam Sandler. My brain cannot process that that sound did not come from the mouth of Adam Sandler. And frankly, I refuse to accept it. Cheryl in Corvallis says, I thought you got to eat that microphone. It was Jay Leno all these years. And a lot of folks said that, too. And I can hear that. Take a listen again. Play that again. Hold on. Sorry.

I was jumping to a different Leno, a little different. You know, you've got to eat that microphone. I was going to do a side-by-side.

I could definitely hear that being a Leno. Because we have this, too, right? Hello, everyone. Whoops.

Hold on. Relax, computer. You know, this show is like a dynasty.

You hold it, and then you hand it off to the next person. I hear that. I can hear that. Yep. Yep. That definitely sounds like Leno. David said, for a while, I thought it was Leno. Okay, David says it was Leno as well. Douglas in Brooklyn said, I always thought eat that microphone was John Leguizamo. Wow. that i benny blanco from the bronx let me picture him i can't that one i'm not uh i'm not hearing so much but i don't have as much of an association with his voice i could hear it i mean any of these

names that are suggested it would make sense to me i could hear it if it had been them but

what about his old friend what about this one lauren says i'm a total weirdo who thought it was dr oz telling an audience member of his talk show to eat the microphone while doing crowd work doctor what a tail i weaved now i think this is because that's probably getting closest to what this actually is which is an snl skit you were telling us yesterday but it's kind of a it's kind of a dr oz only like a relationship sex expert in in this skit that armison is playing right and so i'm wondering if lauren actually sort of at one point did realize it was a skit where there was a You know, a TV talk show with a doctor on it saying eat that microphone and then somehow like kind of warped it in her mind to be a real well to the degree that Dr. Oz is a real doctor.

Right. And now we've I don't think we've ever played the original tape because as you were informing me before the show today, it's a little it's a little a little on the edge. It's involving body parts, although it was on Saturday Night Live, which my nieces are allowed to watch. So it's like if we take that as the standard, what did you call it before the show? a niece alert that's when i have to basically mention yes that this might be something that i don't need maddie and mary my nieces to hear but again it's it's playing on nbc television at 11 30 at night so i mean how bad could it be right we can probably play it here by the way a niece alert

can mean two different things it could mean that your nieces are listening and we need to keep it clean or it could mean that there's fennel yes we're gonna put some kind of that little black

licorice type of flavoring into something we're gonna make some ouzo just can i get through one

show without making a goddamn fennel joke. All right, let's take a listen to this. I'm going to play it from the beginning to let it set up. The punchline that you're going to hear is about a minute in. I think we have time for this, Luke, and then we can get out of here. And yes, again, it is, the topic is sex and sexuality, and it gets anatomical when it gets to the part that we want to hear. So, be forewarned.

You're watching Sexually Speaking with Dr. Linda Marie Choice. Dr. Linda has been married seven times and specializes in sexual and reproductive health. And now, with her personal approach to sexual issues, please welcome Dr. Linda Marie Choice.

Dr. Linda is sick. I'm a producer, Roger Brush. Dr. Linda's daughter called and said she's got a stomach thing. I don't want to get too graphic, but she's got clear water coming out of her butt.

By the way, I skipped forward to the one minute mark when I heard this yesterday, so I have no idea what's going to happen

the next 30 seconds it's sort of like a version of uh you know the katana blade it's like odell yeah it's like odell has had to take over things yep yep so i said please don't come in i'll just

take it from here all right let's uh let's go to the audience this is pamela simply

She has a question about her and her husband's lovemaking. So that is the producer in the audience, and it is Vanessa Bayer who's the audience member. National gem.

Hi, I have an issue with my husband. I love him so much, but he's, well, small.

You know what? I can't hear you, honey. Be loud.

He has a small penis. Say it again. He has a small penis. Small v-necks? Can anybody hear it? You know, you've got to eat that microphone. His penis, it's thin, like a chicken bone.

All right, there you go. You got to hear the drop and a pretty good line.

It's such a wild premise for a sketch. I love it, honestly.

They put the producer in. I didn't even know that that was – I didn't realize that that's why he was sitting in his chair. But that's actually a very good – that's a great joke. You're right, definitely. It's a pretty good spoof. Katana, echoes of Katana. We may need emergency surgery in the studio. So thanks to Lynn for sending in that tape. Yeah, thanks, Lynn. Or blame Lynn for sending in the tape, one or the other.

All right, my friend. Any ideas for a song to go out with?

Boy, I'm just opening. Oh, you know what? I have this. This is always good standby. I have on standby here a record I was listening to a little bit in Hawaii. I don't know how to say the name of it But it's basically a collection of Ethiopian music From the late 60s and early 70s You love this shit Do you have this Have you played this before Ethiopiques I don't think I'm saying that correctly

Honestly the way a lot of that music has come into my life Has been through film soundtracks Like the Broken Flowers soundtrack had a lot of that Other places I need to actually sit down and really school myself On the material Instead of just kind of hearing it as it bounces around You know who does a cover of, I think, a pretty famous Ethiopian jazz song is our guy Gucci Pineapple on TikTok, the soft boy, because he's a jazz drummer at Berklee School of Music. And there's this actually pretty great clip of him and his friends playing, I think, a pretty famous Ethiopian jazz standard. But anyway, Addy and I were talking about it the other day over Christmas. But, yeah, no, I'm an enjoyer of this style of music, even though my knowledge is pretty thin on it. Thin like a chicken.

Okay, well, we're going to play the first track off of this record. I think it translates to A Man With Experience. All right.

Thanks for listening, everyone. We'll be back here tomorrow with more imaginary radio for you. Until then, have a great Tuesday. And please remember, no mountain too tall. And good luck to all.

Thank you. Thank you.

yes my job is stressful very stressful but in the end i get paid to make people laugh we have a saying that laughter is the best medicine so i'm kind of like a doctor here power out