Muse

What hot spots got the hippest brew? Cleveland! Where all the real gone daddies move? Cleveland! Dig that sweet Cuyahoga glow! It smells so good. Cleveland. Where the jet sets swing with heifer cats. Shop at Higby's, then we'll hit the flats. Excuse me, are you a model? I know. Oh, you are so skinny. You really should eat something. I say Cleveland Hello New York and Paris Just don't have Those sights you see on Euclid Am Chef Boyardee was born Here you know Terminal tower soars up in the sky All the 50 groovy stories high I say Cleveland Hello T-B-T-L Dear T-B-T-L, you're so amazing, and I know you're gonna do better.

I'm doing the work. I'm baby-stepping. I'm not a slacker.

How'd it go?

Well, he's gonna acknowledge me on Instagram, so I guess you could say it was one of the best conversations of my entire life.

Am I a hero? I really can't say, but yes. We're doing it, man. This is it. We're right in the thick of the action.

Sweetie, have a good show. What you do is so important.

All right, hello, good morning, and welcome, everyone, to a Tuesday edition of TBTL, the show that just might be too beautiful to live. That's a terrific title. It jumps out at you like a rat in your underwear drawer. My name is Luke Burbank. I am your host. Wanted to add a few comments regarding your mole situation. Coming to you from the Hollywood Broadcast Center, right here in Portland, Oregon, where it is just an absolutely beautiful day. Oh, Ma, Pa, it's just beautiful. Albeit cold, but clear and blue skies, and this is wonderful, and we're very happy to all be together on episode 3625 in a collector series.

Let the fun begin.

This is a Tuesday edition of the show, but yesterday's edition, Monday's recording, was recorded on Friday. So it's been, well, we haven't, on yesterday's show, we could not have known what would have unfolded over the weekend, which included me running a road race in wine country in Oregon.

I'm just going to say it. Let's get physical.

there were some highs and there were some lows and I don't just mean because the course was very hilly but we've got an update on that also we've got some rants and some raves coming to you by way of the Seattle Times things that are being I know that I I don't know how closely people are tracking this but what I really meant to say was we have some some raves and some rants see because like if you're raving if you're saying yay it'd be more like this sound effect and if you're ranting saying hmm no thank you it'd be that one but i had the drops in the wrong order anyway we have some rants and raves from the seattle times things that are being raved actually i didn't pay attention to the raves i only paid attention to the rants Things that are being ranted. Sea lions. Party buses. People mispronouncing the term February. Those are all getting ranted. So we will talk about that. Also, I saw a video last night that unicorn mind exploded.

me weird it is beautiful it has a plot that goes in fascinating directions i immediately started

texting it to almost everyone that i know because it i cannot believe that we have there has not been more conversation around these random celebrities lip-syncing although some of them are actually singing to the beatles song let it be uh so we will talk about that as well plus emails and v-mails and this young man the handsome young stranger from the cleave where he actually happens to be on this tuesday morning my friend the longest running co-bro of the show andrew walsh is joining us right now from a basement in Burgundy Bay. Good morning, my friend. Good morning, Luke. I am here, of course, covering the NBA All-Star weekend. I'm just kind of extending my coverage a little bit here into Monday. One of the first questions I asked all the players was, what is basketball and how do you play it? And some really interesting answers. How is Miles Garrett off of his like 11 rim

shattering dunks that he did during the celebrity

game. You know what? It's funny. I actually wasn't really following it because I think I was flying in. I think I was landing in Cleveland right maybe as he was shattering the backboard because I kind of missed all of that and then I kind of didn't really go back. I didn't realize that he was in it. Did you watch that? He is a monster. He really

is. I didn't watch the game. I find The NBA All-Star Game is, I guess, a little more interesting than the NFL Pro Bowl to me. The NFL Pro Bowl is the silliest exercise that, let's see, 22 people could ever engage in. Because basically every football player has X number of games in their system before they are injured or die. And the idea that the reward For being good at football Would be to have to use up One of those games Getting tackled Is hilarious Therefore it becomes Two hand touch But the NBA All star celebrity game Where you have like The likes of Justin Bieber Throwing a no look pass To the guy from Arcade Fire Which is a real thing That happened once It's kind of interesting to me Only because If I were a bigger celebrity I would love to play in that game, but it's also, it's very telling how much better the NBA players are than normal people. We were talking about the Olympics last week, and I relayed something that somebody wrote on Twitter, which is that every winter Olympic sport should start with some normal person trying to do it. Yes. And so we can just get a, send like a perspective on like how hard this is. When you see normal people, athletic, basketball-oriented, normal people playing basketball before the All-Stars go, you realize how unbelievable it is how good the real players are. Okay, so all of that being said, Miles Garrett could probably be in the NBA.

Yeah, so for people who don't know, Miles Garrett is a Cleveland Brown. He's a defensive player for the Cleveland Browns, so his sport is football. But I have seen him – I've seen videos of that guy from just a standing position just do a standing jump and land on some boxes that are almost as tall as his head. He just – I don't know. I think – I looked closely. He was not wearing a jet pack. I'm quite sure he might have had some sort of inspector gadget shoes. I didn't get to actually fully examine the video.

No, he did quietly mutter, go, go, gadget shoes before his various dunks during the game.

At any point, did he take off his basketball helmet and go after another basketball player? That's the question. No, he did not.

But I would still have blamed that on Mason Rudolph. On Mason Rudolph. Look at you remembering names.

Something about Cleveland agrees with you, Andrew. Yeah. I need a mug that says that. Something about Cleveland agrees with me. That's a show title.

I am, yes. I am in Cleveland. I'm actually in my dad's, I don't know if he calls it his office or his study, but I'm downstairs. This is the little room. It's a cozy little study. Is this famously where the emails are blasted? This is where emails are blasted out of existence. While I'm blasting my emails away in Seattle, he's blasting his emails away in this little office. This is also the little room that I sleep in. And I'm sitting under a plaque right now that says best dad ever, which I didn't get him. I don't know that I've ever seen that before. Well, first of all, a couple of things. Either it's my sister, and it sounds like she's trying to compete with me in a way that I didn't realize this was a competition, not comfortable with that. Or if it wasn't my sister, then my dad said it. Secret family. Yeah, my dad has some real questions to answer, but that's all I know. But, you know, it's pretty comfortable in here. You know that – I mean, you know we've been talking. We've been trying to dial up here for the past kind of half hour and work out some technical things.

Well, I did us no favors, Andrew, in having what doctors would call an incident where I was dead asleep at like 9.15 a.m., which short of going to – I'm trying to think the last time I was even up late enough to where that would make sense. But, like, I can't remember the last time I was asleep at 9.15 a.m. I don't know what happened, but I was zonked.

And my alarm didn't go off And then I looked at my phone And there was an email from you saying Hey, I'm in Cleveland I'm in the world's number one dad's basement And I just wanted to make sure you were okay And we were ready to go And I was not okay And we were not ready to go So sorry about that That is unusual And you weren't out like super late last night No, I was home watching documentaries on Netflix I was having the least interesting Monday night you could have But I don't know I didn't sleep super great in the middle part of the night So maybe my system was just really tired. So when I when I fell asleep, I fell asleep hard.

But yeah, I was I was zonked that I know that feeling is a terrible feeling kind of waking up late like that, especially because you're more of an early riser than me. It would be it would be even though I don't think with the exception of the story that we refer to a lot when you and I were both in St. Paul, Minnesota, and we had gone hard the night before with our friend will never let it go. All three of us were out partying the night before, and then, of course, we were all supposed to work together on her fundraiser for the radio station the next morning.

Which I believe was almost part of why we had been brought to Minnesota. It was certainly a key component of the whole thing.

And then she shows up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for the early morning shift, and she was wondering where her co-bros were, as you and I were both oversleeping, I think, in our respective hotel rooms. But aside from that, I don't think even though I'm somebody who enjoys sleeping in much more than you do or at least is in the habit of it and has more trouble kind of, you know, I will always sleep until the absolute last minute. You know, like I've had jobs where I have to be at work as early as three in the morning. I've had jobs where I have to be at work as early as six. And when I say have to be, often that's by my own measure, right? Like I feel like, well, if we're having an editorial meeting at this time, well, then I need this many hours to get ready for it. Like, I'm not shy of getting in to do my job when I need to, but I will always go to the last minute, whatever that last minute is, if that makes sense. Like, I love sleep, and I hate waking up is my point.

You're less like a self-determined last minute. Yes, exactly. Like, you've decided that it needs to be 7.30, and so then you're, like, 7.25. You're, like, still tossing and turning or whatever, but it's only because you've decided 7.30 is the number.

Right. Right. And like you and I, we usually start this show or at least we dial up at 9 a.m. Pacific time every day. And, you know, I should, you know, wake up at least by 845 to do that. But sometimes I wake up at 847, 848 so that I only do like 12 minutes of prep, you know, and five of that is brushing my teeth. No, but you know what I mean? Whatever it is, I'm the person who usually wants to push things to the last minute. I hate waking up. You're not like that. You like to take runs sometimes in the morning or whatever you do. So yet I don't think, I don't think I've ever, have I ever done that? Have I ever like been just like straight up zonked out when it's time to dial up? And I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I mean, I think this is the first time in TBTL history this has happened to either one of us. But that is a, yeah, it happened a different time, which was when I, you, not me.

when i was passed out on my floor well that was wearing uh like a shirt that belonged to a guy who looked like macklemore which led to a year of sobriety for me right so that that was a time

that it happened previously that is for me but yeah that is true i think we were dialing up at noon that time too which was it really added to the confusion i think wow that yeah that's uh

not great um i wonder if some of it has to do with the fact and i'm not now trying to uh make excuses but i wonder if some of that has to do with the fact that you live with someone and i don't like it would be really i know genevieve you know often just goes physically to work uh where she works but like it also seems like it'd just be harder for you to even if you were trying to oversleep there's another person kind of in the mix whereas i'm largely unsupervised here

other than randy so maybe that's part of it as well yeah now and you don't have blackout curtains

right because that's one thing i'm sleeping in a basement here i have shades that are like built into the thing here in the apartment i don't even pull them down because again i like it when the the light kind of wakes me up or sends my brain a subtle message that it's daytime that's why it It was so shocking this morning when I opened my eyes and it was 9.20.

Yeah, and I know we've swapped those stories before so we don't have to do it again, but that is just a bad feeling. I mean, luckily, what you and I do here, it's not like we had to be somewhere or that some show was going live somewhere and you're rushing it. I mean, that's the worst. I'm trying to think the last time that if that happened to me in a radio setting where it's like the other producers are kind of like, hey, where's Andrew? Well, I guess we're doing this without.

them today i don't know if that actually happened but that that feeling of just like driving into work it's been a long long time it's a terrible feeling so i'm not trying to make you feel worse

about it that was a feeling i had walking into this room walking from my bedroom to this room it was just like it took forever and i was just like uh just feeling terrible but uh really what i want to know about on this tuesday morning my friend is how are your flights to cleveland because I know you had two on the way there and two on the way home. You were picking, like, the very, very back row of the airplane, hoping that there would be nobody next to you. You were flying on, I think, Pan Am or TWA or some airline.

Something that doesn't exist anymore?

Exactly. You know what I think it was?

I owe you an apology because I think you said that doesn't exist anymore. You're right. I think I was saying Continental last week, wasn't I, or two weeks ago. You were. I was saying Continental. I'm sorry. It's United. United, United. at united i was thinking about that as i was downloading the app and like doing all that i'm like oh you know what that's why everybody was i couldn't remember if it was you or somebody else but i was talking to and they're just like okay no it was me saying i can't believe that's an airline yeah i know i feel i've i couldn't remember if it was you or not but i just had this vague memory of having a conversation with somebody who was like i don't think that airline exists anymore but i don't feel like arguing this with you anymore like that you didn't say that to me i just remembered that kind of vibe but no it is actually united it's not twa it's not pan am it's not continental which that does not exist anymore right did united i don't maybe absorb

is that where my confusion is i think continental was i mean likely it was absorbed into united at some point or american or one of the big carriers but um but yeah i don't think continental is a is an air is a working airline any longer but what i'm just like a twilight zone like i get on a

continental flight and like everybody's dressed up for their everybody's wearing like a suit and tied everybody's dressed to the night walks past you right i made that joke a version of that joke

on the uh on i think friday's show so anyway everyone know that i know that i'm making a lot of william shatner airplane jokes of late on the show was it you who was pointing out to me that

there was a super bowl commercial with lindsey lohan it wasn't a commercial for the super bowl For people who are new to American society, it was a commercial that aired during the Super Bowl, which is a time when a lot of advertisers will, like, really kind of make big productions of their commercials. And there's a commercial with Lindsay Lohan and a bunch of other celebrities. And it's narrated by – For Planet Fitness. Yes, and it's narrated by William Shatner. And at the end, he gets a little cameo on screen because you know that William Shatner is not going to do voiceover if he can't be on screen too. But anyway, in the commercial, she calls him William, and there was something that seemed very off about that. Maybe it was Genevieve who was pointing this out because, I mean, we call him William Shatner, but really people who know him call him Bill, right? Right. Bill Shatner.

The Andrea Seabrooks of the world call him Bill Shatner. People are being blocked on social media by him.

The Andrea Seabrooks of the world do not call him. But yeah, so to get back to my flight. Oh, go ahead.

Okay, really quickly, though. Can we talk about that Planet Fitness ad for a hot second?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

So I've been on a real journey with those commercials because a version of them started airing before the Super Bowl. And I thought that what was happening was they, for, like, COVID reasons, were not actually filming people together, like, in the same room because the celebrities, like Dennis Rodman is in them, like you said, Lohan. That was new to the Super Bowl, I believe. but like they would have this kind of glow or halo around them which i had not seen these i

didn't see them before the super bowl one that was my first introduction i didn't realize it

was an existing campaign it was and uh bill slash william shatner i think was doing the vo for all of them but the only celebrity i remember seeing in the early ones was dennis rodman and they had this kind of effect digital effect around him and i thought they were just trying to i don't know somehow kind of like be clever about the fact that they weren't like either they couldn't get dennis rodman to go to the planet fitness in like hermosa beach or wherever they were filming or something but no it's that the idea is that you have a glow about you after you have worked out at planet fitness like you'll feel good and it was only i think they only added the line there's something about the glow or you're going to you're going to have a glow or whatever that they i feel like they only added during the super bowl version of the ads which made perfect sense and i was like you should have said that earlier because i just thought you couldn't afford to get dennis rodman to come to where you were filming interesting yeah no i didn't

have any of that background on this and i don't remember that actual that tagline

Thank you.

But I actually think whether or not they're successful in getting that point across, I appreciate that that is the aspect of working out that they are shooting for. Because I think that's a great selling point, right? I do like that. I really do appreciate it when – sorry, I'm just turning this in after these messages. But I do like it when advertisers kind of figure out that thing that is about their product. And sometimes it's not even a good thing. Like I think Cheetos is really smart to say, well, our thing is the dusty orange fingers you have after eating our product. And again, that's not even a good thing necessarily, but it is a unique thing. And I think that's what Pringles was trying to do with the Super Bowl commercial where the guy's hand gets stuck in the Pringles cylinder, the container, and then it's on that for the rest of his life. And I think that's kind of like the same thing. Like, what is it about our product, good or bad, that people can kind of associate with? And the idea of going to a gym and then having – it's not like, hey, you look good or you have a beach bod or whatever. But, like, for me, when I go to the gym, I'm doing it because I like that glowing feeling afterwards. I don't have it. Like, it doesn't follow me around as a pink halo, as you say. At least I don't think so. Have you ever seen me after I worked out? I have. I can see your halo, Andrew. Oh! Hey, wait. I have an idea for a song. But anyway. Yeah, not a bad idea. Not a bad idea.

Okay, so for the record, Continental Airlines was absorbed by United. So in a way, Andrew, you were flying on Continental. Yeah, you know, in a certain way, I feel like you owe me an apology.

Really? For questioning me? No? Yep. Okay, you're not ready to do it now. No, no, no, we'll do it later. We'll do it off air, and then I'll let everybody know.

So I am not too proud to apologize to you in front of the listeners for thinking Continental Airlines no longer existed when, in fact, they are just a subset of United where they're no longer called Continental Airlines. And I apologize to you and your number one dad who is upstairs going like, what's going on with my son? This is a job? Yeah.

I know. I know. I think my stepmom said – or somebody said right before I came down here into the office to record this, like, oh, aren't you supposed to record in 10 minutes? I said, no, that son of a bitch never wakes up on time. No. I said, yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't worry about it. And somebody said, boy, I'd be so nervous. I'm like, have you heard the show? Maybe I should be. Maybe that would probably help. Maybe I'm not nervous enough. That's the problem. But anyway.

Okay, so how was your flight? Did anybody sit next to you? This is what I'm really dying to know.

Here's the deal. So the seats that I had, this was a two-flight endeavor with a layover at O'Hare in Chicago, the first flight being like four hours plus, maybe even close to five, and then a quick layover of about 50 minutes, which is about as tight as I like to make it because you can never trust that that first plane is going to take off on time. And you never know how big the airport is and how far away the gates are going to be when you're transferring.

It's just a regional, it's a small airport, basically crop dusters flying in off of, you know, Lake Michigan. So like, yeah, that's the small, it's a very, very small airport.

Exactly. And so I was a little nervous. Okay, 50 minutes, but as long as the first flight is fine, I'll be fine. So anyway, that was the, and then the second leg, you know, Chicago to Cleveland is like 90 minutes, like at least a scheduled 90 minute flight. Right. So anyway, my flight out, I was kind of dreading the seats. There were no good seats that I could get without having to pay extra. And there's something about it like, you know, again, I'll blow 20 bucks on pull tabs at the Eagles. But there's something about paying an extra 20 bucks to this damn airline that's just like gouging me.

Seat selection is your minibar. Sort of, yeah. As the minibar is to me, so paying for a better seat is to you.

I have a bad attitude towards airlines anyway, and I feel like deservedly so, but especially United. I think that – like I like Alaska. I'm very brand loyal to them when I can fly them. There were no options this time. But like United has even worse legroom than any other airline I've ever been on. But here was the planned seating situation. My first flight out, the best seat I could get was a window seat in, I prefer aisle, but I had a window seat in the second to last row of this airplane. Didn't love how far back it was, especially given the somewhat, you know, the potentially tight layover time if the flight was delayed. but my hope was that nobody would take the middle seat that far back because i believe when i picked that seat there was an aisle seat already taken and then the middle and window were not taken so i took the window um well this ended up being a very full flight and as i'm you know kind of keeping an eye on my seats as we're gearing up for the flight i'm not

Noticing that every seat is basically taken, essentially, and there is going to be somebody next to me, and I'm going to be jammed all the way in the back of the plane against the window, feeling somewhat claustrophobic. But, again, putting myself in the mindset of, I've lived through worse. This is fine. I'm not some sort of martyr here. And then I'm at the gate, and I'm waiting for my group to board. And then kind of last minute, one of the gate agents makes an announcement saying, we have an exit row seat available, but it is the middle seat in an exit row that is, you know, about halfway down the plane as opposed to all the way in the back. And I have to make a very quick calculation and think, I'm already going to feel kind of cramped and claustrophobic and all the way in the back of the plane. Middle seat with some leg room in the exit row, that's probably better, right?

And I didn't think about it too long. The classic dilemma, by the way. Yeah, right? I run up against, is it better to be in the exit row with more leg room but in the middle seat than in a different part of the plane with a sort of better position?

Yes, and especially for me, and again, I'm not the tallest person on a plane usually, but I do think that people are tall in different ways. I have a little plaque that says that everybody's tall in different ways. Sure, it's a book for children to teach them about tallness. But I do think – because I've known people who are taller than me that don't have as much – I think that the length between my knee and my hip is at your femur, I do think that that is where I'm tall. So that's like bad for leg room, right? Does that make sense? You know what I'm saying? Anyway, so I'm sort of thinking like this airline isn't great for leg room. So I immediately – very quickly, I think you would have been proud of me. I'm near the desk or the gate agent desk area, and they make the announcement, and within probably seven seconds, I'm up, and I'm probably even less than that because I'm like, you need to act. This is not a moment to think. This is a moment to act. And so I get up, and I say, I will take that. And the gate agent says, you know it's a middle seat. And I said, I do know that. I've made a calculated risk here. I didn't say that last part. Anyway, so I take that, and I've got to say, good decision on my part. I think it was much more comfortable than I would have been all the way in the back of the plane, jammed without the extra leg.

Did you note when you went back to use the restroom at some point if there was a person in the middle seat of the last row? Ah, good. Good question.

I didn't look specifically, but I believe they're I don't know. There probably would have been. It was an incredibly full flight. In fact, they made me gate check my bag, which was something that I kind of didn't like. It's one of those things. I hate it when they make me gate check my bag. But then at the end of the day, it's usually kind of helpful. I just get nervous that they're going to lose it, and I had to take my microphone out of that bag. So I was like, well, if they lose my bag, I at least need a microphone. I don't want to buy another microphone in Cleveland. So anyway, here's why I know—

It would be hilarious if your dad also lived near, like, four guitar centers.

Yeah.

Like, this is just a Walsh family trait. Like, he's across the street from a high-end stereo place and, like, three guitar centers.

There's a sign in here that says Number one guitar center I don't know what's going on with that That joke really didn't make sense We'll bleep it No, it was a callback to the other sign

That was what you say This is the mystery I want you to solve Over the course of this week Where you'll be broadcasting from Cleveland What's going on with the secret family That your dad has That's giving your number one dad plaques It's a sensitive topic I'm saying I would say work your way up to it until Friday. Give it some time. Let it marinate.

Yeah, I think tomorrow night we're having a whole bunch of relatives over here. Oh, really? There's a birthday in the family, and so I believe all my aunts and uncles are going to be coming over. And so maybe that's when I will confront my dad about the secret family. That's the time for it. That seems like kind of a good time to do it.

Wait until everyone's singing happy birthday, and you're sitting angrily at a table, and then break out that. That dark family secret. Bob, what's up with the secret family?

I don't think my flying story is that interesting, but just to end it, here's what I will tell you. Here's why I know I made the right decision by grabbing that middle seat exit row. Because the next flight, which was supposed to be a short flight, and it was mostly a short flight, although we ended up being on the tarmac. Yeah, Chicago to Cleveland should be just a quick hop. Scheduled as 90 minutes, but we were on the tarmac for like 45 minutes because some idiot. I mean, some very nice person, I'm sure, left their suitcase, their roller bag, or as I like to say, rolly bag, just like as if they were gate-checking it, but they didn't actually gate-check it. Somebody left their suitcase at the door of the airplane, and the flight attendants had to keep on asking, who left their bag? Who left their bag there? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? I thought that was. I thought that was fun. But anyway, they kept making an announcement like who left their bag there. There's no tag on it. We can't. They kept saying we can't take off until we figure out whose bag this is. And I'm like, I had a couple of thoughts. I'm like, first of all, yes, you can screw that bag like you can take off.

Secondly, I was like, like, like, let's be honest. That's not Al Qaeda's new move is to leave a suitcase with no tag on it near where the flight attendants can see it. That's unlikely to be a terrorist event.

Well, I will say I did think that – I mean it didn't – if it was concern over terrorism, which I don't think it was, I was actually thinking that's the big difference between 2002 and 2022 is I feel like if somebody left a bag like that – they even said in the announcement like the bag – one of the zippers isn't fully closed. You have clothes kind of coming out of this bag. We need to figure out whose bag this is. I'm like whoever is doing this, don't punish us for this. Like this is a person who doesn't have their shit together.

um but by the way like i don't this is now the most fascinating part of the show to me did that first of all talk about being shamed on a flight there's clothing coming out of your suitcase please come up here did the person finally report to the front of the plane and

what did they look like they were having a day so this is all happening while i'm in see this is let me get let me kind of get back on track and then i'll answer those questions because here's why I was saying that I know I made the right choice of taking middle seat exit row, because this trip that was supposed to be a short jaunt was my seat, my assigned seat was middle row, or I'm sorry, middle seat, not exit row for this shorter jaunt. And I'm like, okay. Oh, you were, oh, I see. Got it. So for the second leg of my flight, I knew that they had put me in the middle seat. I didn't have any options. I can't remember why, but it was another full flight. And there I am in the middle seat, and I'm jammed between two other big guys. The guy to my left is probably slimmer than me but a bit taller but about my build. The guy to my right is shorter but he's a bigger guy, and he's got a lot more – yeah, he's got a lot of leg room. And anyway, so while I'm on this flight that is now on the tarmac, this second flight, I'm really jammed into my seat here. and I'm just kind of reminding myself you are here you are present you are okay you're gonna get through this you know it's a short flight don't don't start freaking out about how little room you have here like I can't tell you how jammed in I am to the seat like when I sit down before anybody even attempts to put their seat back my knees are already jammed not just touching or brushing but jammed into the back of the seat in front of me and I'm in the middle seat like these seats really suck and so but I again I wasn't in a terrible place about it I wasn't super grumpy I knew it was coming but I didn't love the fact that I'm jammed between these two big guys in this tiny seat I can barely move I'm holding my winter coat on my lap because my bag is under the seat and now we're being delayed because some doofus has left their bag you know in this gate area and then they keep making this announcement maybe it's like three times and the guy to my right who's like i don't know what his deal is but he's a construction worker of some sort or just a construction hat aficionado because he's got a camouflage construction hat under his seat um he's the bigger guy with shorter legs shorter femurs and he turns to me and in um there's a certain kind of southern accent there's a certain guy i've noticed that has a high voice but a southern accent do you know what i mean then he turns to with its high voices not that high and lower the south of truman capote north of yeah um so anyway and he turns to me he's like would you ask tom petty that whoever whoever i'm not going to do the accent you know you'll know when i'm doing the accent but he just says um whoever it is probably has their dang headphones in and then they can't even hear the announcement i just like looked down i'm like uh-huh and just kept my nose in my book i did not feel like engaging with this man who was angry at the other passenger eventually you hear some confusion with another passenger

did he refer to the person as an obamianist uh he says i use the full name because it matters and so whoever so some woman i don't get a look at her behind me is saying she's responding to the flight attendant in some way and i just hear the flight attendant saying well we just need you to come and take a look at it to see if it's yours or not i see this woman kind of go to the front of the plane then i don't honestly luke i don't know what happens after that maybe i get too engrossed in whatever i was reading on my phone i don't know if they kicked this person off the plane and said if you can't zip up your bags you're never allowed to fly incontinental again choose pan am in the future. I don't know what the hell happened.

And to be honest with you, it's all I know this woman disappeared might have been her bag, might not have. But in those moments that we were waiting for them to figure out the bag situation, we, I think, missed our window to tarmac, the window to tarmac.

And so that is like O'Hare, JFK and LAX are the airports where if you miss your window, you are hosed.

Yes. So then we end up on the tarmac for like another 45 minutes for what was supposed to be a 90 minute flight. But oh, by the way, the good news is my first flight was delayed. And I told you I was worried about that quasi short window. My first flight was delayed, but it wasn't delayed to the degree that I would miss my next flight. I did have to run through a hair. But luckily, hey, by the way, I hate United Airlines. I hate their leg room. But I will say one thing that they have going on that's better than Alaska is they kept me so damn informed, Luke. When I landed in Chicago, I had the app open anyway, but I was also getting text messages, and I know Alaska will send in kind of text messages if your flight is boarding or if it's delayed or whatever. What I loved and appreciated was I got a text message when I landed in Chicago about a half hour late and watching my window close of potentially getting my connecting flight. I got a text message that said, you are landing at this gate. Your next gate is this. It's about a 10-minute walk from one gate to the other. The text message actually mapped it out, not mapped it out, but gave me actual ETAs of how long it would take to get from one gate to the other in this big airport. I really appreciated that. Have you experienced that before?

Yes. Well, yeah, when you're running late, I've had it be the case that the flight attendants are, like, telling you where the different gates are for people that are getting off the flight. Sometimes they'll say, if you're not trying to make a connection, stay in your seat because we need the people who are.

Yeah, but those are the flight attendants. But I appreciated the text message coming in and just kind of verified. Oh, oh, I see. Because I feel like flight attendants will tell you anything. You know, as soon as I landed, every time I took off and landed, like, I was getting text messages saying, like, hey, you're landing here. We realized you're a little bit late. But like the text messages said, you're landing at B-19. You're going to C-10. It's about a 10-minute walk from one to the other. Like that was in my actual phone. Yeah, I thought it was a win for them. I also thought it was interesting. We land in Chicago. They know that we're delayed by about a half hour. They say, listen, almost everybody on this, we know we're late. We're landing late. Everybody on this flight, almost everybody on this flight has a connecting flight that they need to get. there are 130 people on this flight they announced 100 of you have 130 souls yeah they didn't say but they this is a quote they said 130 of you are on this flight right now 100 of you have connecting flights now we're going to start listing off the flights that have the tightest connections raise your hand if you're going to montgomery alabama london i don't know they started listing a bunch of cities and then they said okay look around i love the idea that they're Like, if you're going to Paris, if you're going to Rome, if you're going to Tunica, Mississippi, they were mostly domestic. And I did notice there was one London in there because I was thinking at this point, like, if I miss a flight from Chicago to Cleveland, it's much easier for me to get to Cleveland one way or another than it is for these poor souls to get to London. You know what I mean? If it's the last leg of a trip. So anyway, they said, listen, unless we listed your city, you're going to make your connecting flight. Like, don't worry about it. And they didn't list Cleveland. So I trusted the system, and I trusted the flight attendants, and I let everybody who had the tighter flights make their way. And anyway, I made all of my flights, but I think I broke my computer when I was jammed into the seat.

We're at 37 minutes. Let's take a break. This is not interesting. Let's come back. No, no, no. I don't know if the listeners are interested, but I was very interested in your flight situation, and I want to hear what happened to the computer. And I want to tell you about my jog that I did this weekend, but let's do all of it right after a quick break here on TBTL. Hello and welcome to Top Story. All right. The top story from my life, Andrew, is I did this run this weekend, which sort of there were some good parts and there were some not great parts. The good part was apparently I finished like third in my age group, which I was sort of chuffed about. But I think there was also maybe only three people in my age group.

So that might have been last place. You weren't even sure how much you were going to be running. You said because there was going to be a lot of uphill. You were kind of emotionally preparing yourself to do some walking if need be. Yeah, and I did do some walking, and that was one of the things that was not great about the experience was in like mile nine, I started walking up this hill, and somebody who had already finished the race and was sort of walking the other direction said, hey, Luke Burbank, which would be the second time that I've been doing a kind of longish race where I have started walking at some point and been recognized. There's only two times I've ever been recognized during a run, and both times have been when I'm not running, which is kind of humiliating.

But at least neither time you had peed your pants, I assume, which is something that I think happens when you run sometimes, right? Not you, but one.

Pooping and nipple bleeding. Those are the biggies.

Oh, okay, got it.

And I was doing both of them.

Oh, okay, good.

At the time. So, yeah, I was like, why could this person have not noticed me when I was running down Spring Valley Road in wine country of Salem, Oregon, and looking like a gazelle? Why could that not have been the time when someone was like, hey, Luke Burbank? Instead, it was this person who's huffing and puffing and is now more or less given up and is walking. That's when the person noted that I am the guy who does the podcast or the radio show.

It was just somebody who listens to, I'm assuming Livewire, if this is more in the Portland area.

Maybe they didn't say what they recognized me from, but my guess would be Livewire or That's Right, the conservative TV show that I hosted on public access in my early 20s. So one of those two.

Let me ask you a question. I feel like you would have mentioned this, but after they said, hey, Luke Burbank, and you said, hey, did they serve you with papers?

that has happened before this was not one of those times okay but i did my only response was to just like laugh like i just sort of went ha that was my response to somebody going hey luke burbank because i'm walking up the hill i went ha that was all i could muster at that point did you consider just shaking your head and saying nope that's how much that's what i have to start doing during the period of time when i'm walking during races my new response is um who sorry normalize saying wrong guy pal that would have been that actually would have been a really funny response and i wish i would have thought of it in the moment not me so that's the update on my jog what were we i forget now what we're going to talk about when we went into the break there was something else from your life that we wanted to hear about

But hold on, I want to really quickly, big picture here. How long was the actual race again?

And I know that you said that it was like nine miles and a third or it was 15K.

And this is obviously you've run that far before, but you were a little bit nervous about this one because you were running with Becca and her family who are, I think you said a little bit.

Her brother won the race, by the way, literally won. He was the top finisher of the race.

And this is, you know, and again, ballpark for me. What is 100 people in a race like this or something? oh this is i think it was 400 oh wow okay sounds good um and so but you were kind of nervous about that you're running with people who were like really really good runners and also it was going to be a lot of uphills and everything and you were kind of quasi regretting it or wondering if you were going to regret it do you regret it was it all that arduous was it just this one moment that

you were slightly embarrassed how did you feel the next day um i uh i don't regret doing it i I actually, other than the walking part where I was being recognized, I actually ran a little faster than I was expecting, which was kind of nice. I did walk on the hilly, the extra hilly parts. I was, yesterday I was very sore and moving pretty slowly. But overall, it was a good experience. And, you know, like I said, I did a little better than I was thinking I would. Like, I was wondering if I was just going to. So part of the interesting thing about this loop is that this run is on is there's a point at which you run by Becca's mom's house and her brother lives there, too, with his wife and they have a hot tub. And I was very much considering just leaving the course to go just sit in the hot tub. Because that part of the race was right before it got super duper hilly. that sounds like a real ferris bueller move totally um this is another kind of i don't know odd thing about it was i was running behind a dude for most of the race who was like really fast and i remember him because he had a um like a sort of a jersey on that said south africa on the back which maybe was from like a rugby team or something and i was thinking just keep up with south africa dude and then i pulled even with him right at that point in the race and then

And Becca's family, her mom has a couple of standard poodles and her brother has, both of her brothers have poodles. And we're running by and they're barking. These dogs are barking on the porch of this house. And I said to this guy, those are my girlfriend's family's dogs that are barking at us. And he kind of laughed. And then later when I finished the race, I found out that this guy who I happened to be running with at that moment is a Livewire fan. Now he was not the person who recognized me as I was Walking up the hill but He wanted to take a photo with me After the race because he was like hey I don't want to be weird But I'm like a big live wire fan let's take a picture Actually I think he's a big wait wait fan But it was so odd that Like I was just jogging along with this guy Talking about the dogs and all these things and I Guess in his brain somewhere he was connecting these Things of like this is the guy from Wait wait don't tell me and so anyway we took a

Picture after is there any chance he's Actually a bigger fan of the dogs and he was impressed with your relation to them and then he kind of reversed, engineered it to not make it weird.

He's a big Lulu, DJ, and Jack fan and Gigi. Those are the names of the poodles in question.

And now I know all of Becca's passwords. Perfect. Wait, no, hold on. What's your favorite number? What's your favorite number?

All right, that's the update on the race. What was the other thing?

I don't know. Here's the deal. Let me peel back the curtain here a little bit Because maybe I'll feel better if I just say this. Oh, your computer. I'm just not in a great place right now. Yeah, what's going on? And I'm just fighting through it, and I'm just like – so I'm on the road. I'm trying a new field kind of recording situation here that you and I have never tried before. I've gone on the road to do TBTLs many a time, but when we do that, it's me and you together, right? You're the person who's often kind of doing a gig somewhere or doing whatever, And so you have a whole setup that is similar to the one I have now where you can kind of be remote from a hotel room or Airbnb or wherever you are in the world, and we connect. And you're used to that, and you have a whole system. Now, this is the first time that I am trying that, you and I doing a regular TBTL. I'm outside of my studio. We're hooking up remotely. You're in Portland, where I believe the weather is in the 30s. I'm in Cleveland, where I believe the weather is in the 60s. So, you know, everything is fine. go grab that styrofoam cup and just crush it because why the hell not everything's fine in the world

I've opened the windows of my apartment and I'm blasting I'm actually just spraying cans of Aquanet into the environment I'm trying my best to heal the ozone layer

that's how you do it you spray air spray because it's sticky and it's like a mesh and then it seals all the holes but anyway I need to keep reminding myself that whatever small technical issues I'm having right now, it could be so much worse. Now, knock on wood, and actually for a change, this is real wood I'm knocking on. Holy cow, this better work. So anyway, we're talking. We're having a good time. I'm telling boring stories about my flight, et cetera. I'm sure everything's fine. If everything works out, the listeners won't even hear the very, very small technical issues that are kind of in my head right now as we're recording this. The line has a little bit of clicking and popping And even if worse came to worse, I would post this and probably most people wouldn't even notice that. As somebody who has attention to detail to the point where it might be diagnosable, it's kind of driving me crazy a little bit. And you know how I get with technical stuff. I love troubleshooting. It's my best friend and my worst enemy, right?

Yeah, you're out of your comfort zone today because everything isn't the way it normally is for you, and it's probably creating some anxiety.

Exactly. But you know me. I have a mental defect where when things aren't kind of perfect, technologically speaking, it kind of gets in my head, right? So as we're talking right now, there's little technical issues going on that I'm really trying to push out of my head as I tell just fascinating, fascinating stories about lost luggage and long femurs. I'm fascinated.

I cannot. I cannot.

Will you write down lost luggage and long femurs, please? Is that a Wilco song? I think it's a show title. Lost luggage and long femurs.

Lost luggage and long femurs.

Yeah. So anyway, all of that is to say what we're dealing with right now is not perfect. I'm trying to deal with it. But the thing that is really living in my head here is whether or not I've created some sort of long-term damage to my personal laptop computer that I'm talking to you on right now. Now, this is my first laptop computer that I've truly loved, Luke. I don't know if you've had this experience or not before, but I was very slow to the laptop game. I was somebody –

And the last one you had, which I believe you described as your gaming laptop, was – it was barely a laptop. It was technically a laptop, but it was pretty – it was – pretty substantial. Yeah. So here's my journey here, right? Just as an adult using computers. It's getting on top of me. You can tell. I am somebody who always had, you know, desktop computers at home or whatever. And then I think it was probably about 10 years ago that I realized I needed a laptop. But the transition for me going from like having the full power and the big screen of a desktop computer, transitioning to a small laptop was clearly not easy for me. So I did, even though I was not a gamer, I got myself a big like kind of gaming laptop because it had it was just good, powerful, strong computer for video editing and those types of things. The problem is I didn't realize how ridiculously big it was compared to other people's laptops. Anybody who's been to a TBTL live show during this era knows what I'm talking about. I had this giant laptop computer. Well, that thing finally crapped out on me a couple of years ago or maybe just about a year ago. And I got myself what I consider to be my first like kind of big boy laptop, which ironically is a small little guy. It's a Dell computer, but it's a little notebook style computer, kind of about the size of yours, Luke. And I know you're an Apple guy. But like I love how tiny this is. I can slip it into my backpack between a couple of magazines and it's like it's about the size of a magazine, actually. And I love it. I can, you know, use it on the airplane. Like, my other laptop was so big, I couldn't even use it on an airplane. Anyway, this thing, I put it in my backpack. I'm loving life, Jerry. I'm coming to Cleveland. I got all my equipment. But the thing is, I get here, and I pull my laptop out of my bag, and I realize the keyboard isn't working quite right. Like, I can hit all the keys, and they work, like, when I'm testing it out. But I can tell there's some sort of bad connection going on. Because when I stop testing it and actually just, like, start to write an email and maybe I'm typing faster or something and less deliberately, like, certain letters just aren't showing up and I have to go back and correct it. I can't explain it. Like, it's just, like, quasi-malfunctioning. And it's not terrible. It's still usable. But I'm trying to figure out, like, is this just environmental? Is it because I'm not using it on a solid surface or is this something that's in my head?

Maybe Cuyahoga County doesn't agree with this computer.

That could be part of it, too. I have no idea, but then I woke up this morning, and I turned on my computer, and all of a sudden, I saw a warning like I'd never seen before. It was not a Windows warning. It was some sort of a warning on my computer itself that said, hey, I don't think my keyboard is working, Andrew. And I said, are you okay, buddy? And said, I think you should run a diagnostic test on me. I'm like, I don't know what that means, but I'll hit okay. And then it made a bunch of kind of weird color schemes, and it said, did you see those color schemes? I'm like, yeah, computer. I did. are we okay and then it spent about 10 more minutes diagnosing itself and it said anything about Genevieve's new name it said Genevieve's new name is Targus Targus then it said hey I think I'm okay and I said great and then I tested out the keyboard some more and I'm like yeah it is working fine but again I can't explain it when I test it even though I try to type as fast as possible and recreate a regular you know email experience it seems fine but as I talk to you right now and I just try to take a quick note I noticed the keyboard is just not responding the way it should and i think what happened is you know i threw this thing in my backpack and i was all proud of my small little computer and that i'm more mobile than ever but i didn't treat it with the respect that it deserved i jammed it under the seat in front of me i was kicking it with my feet i'm quite sure that's what happened i know it is andrew have you met me do you think

that i am bubble wrapping my laptop everywhere i go across the united states well it is a different

brand yours might be better i mean i would say that a mac i just don't think this is on you i

think i i think this is just one of those things where that you know that particular computer hit a bump in the road but i do not think this is because you were not being careful enough like i almost guarantee it should be able to uh sort of function after riding in the uh sleeve on the back of the seat of the airplane you know of the person in front of you like i just don't only if

only i had done that that's the thing and this is this is the details here so i i put this thing i slipped my computer into the into the back part of my backpack like a knapsack right um and i put it literally between two issues of harper's magazine um and we get it you read harper's i'm gonna get to them eventually no i carry harper's luke i don't read it um but then like as i'm traveling like i have to take off my giant scarf and i jam it in there and i have some other equipment in there too and then at one point i take my camera from around my you know i'm kind of carrying my camera through the airport i jam that in there and then i jam the whole bag under the seat uh in front of me like not in the i should have done exactly what you said i should have taken it out and slipped it into the seat but instead i just kind of jam it under the seat in front of me and then for the first four hours i'm like kind of like stretching my legs and kicking my feet under the seat underneath my backpack and then in that final flight the the flight of the of the mystery luggage like i'm jammed in there and my bag is jammed under the seat i'm quite sure that i probably twisted it and meant there's no way do you think you're like kicking your bag do you

think you're kicking it that hard that you you know disconnected something i just i do i even machines that are built to you know travel and i i just don't think you did this i think it just

happened i have this thought on the plane as i was kind of nestling my feet underneath it several times during various flights i kind of thinking like oh hope that guy's okay in there and then because here's the other thing that giant laptop i had i did travel with it once this is why i'm really mad and i didn't say this part out loud but that giant computer i had i did travel with it once or twice and something similar happened and because again i'm a long-legged freak long femur freak and i jammed that under the seat one time i actually had to replace the keyboard on that thing after a trip not unlike this one like there's no way that this has happened to me twice in a row that i wasn't smart enough to not let it happen a second time uh and that this is happening just coincidentally right after this flight after i jostled it to death uh for for six hours or whatever so anyway that's going on i got technical you might need to switch to mac my friend because

generally speaking i have to say i'm i'm sure that i'm much less careful with the equipment that i'm bringing around the country and i've yet to have the problem you're describing and the only thing i can identify as the difference is these are um pcs and i'm rocking a mac although i mean i regret saying that even as i was saying yeah i've never rocked i've never rocked this mac But do you think that's part of it?

You know, I would not be surprised, honestly. If you were to ask me do I think that Apple computers are better built than a Dell computer, I'll bet you you are right about that. I cannot – I'm not going to be switching to a Mac. I used a Mac for a little bit for my last job in L.A. And it's just – my whole life is built around – it's all – my whole life is built around these – like I can't explain it. Like they're all integrated, all of my services in the same way you are. Like I'm just not – I'm not doing that now. But I do have to treat this thing with a little bit of respect or get maybe a different brand. That's the thing about PCs. It's not like Windows is making these things. I can get a different model, a totally different brand. But anyway, I'm not mad at the computer right now. I'm mad at myself. I'm a little bit distracted by all the technical shit going on, and I don't feel like I'm being my best self, and I apologize for that.

I think you're doing a great job. And, Andrew, I don't want to encourage you. I don't in any way want to make it more likely that you're being kind of hard on yourself. But I do think when you're in this state, it's good radio. Like, you kind of kvetching. I honestly do not feel like this is. You kvetching, I think, is actually good. It's good TBTL. Again, I don't want to create an environment where this is happening a lot for you because I feel like it takes a toll on you. But I think it's good radio. So at least there's that

It doesn't feel good to me right now It feels like I'm super distracted And anxious and angry

Like the people are at the Sea Lions In Ballard You know what Way to tie that in I do feel like I just went on a rant This is a great segue I'm raving Andrew I'm raving at how the show is going today But people in the Ballard neighborhood of Seattle Are ranting about the Sea Lions Now, this, I feel like, so in the early days of TBTL, we used to do Rants and Raves, like I believe Jen would just read from the Rants and Raves column, and then about 11 years went by, and then there was a Rants and Raves that I saw that was intriguing, and then I promoted it for like four shows, and we never got to it. Yeah, that was just like a few weeks ago, right? Yeah, and now we actually have a Rants and Raves that you sent me that we are going to get to come hell or high water. So this is from the Seattle Times Rant to sea lions Amusing as many folks are finding The recent presence of dozens of noisy sea lions At the entrance to the ship canal at Shillshull Hundreds of residents in the area in Ballard and Magnolia Have to adapt to the 24-7 constant barking Since early December Resulting in sleep disturbances And general unpleasantness in their homes Seems like something could be done about the breakwater near Rays before there aren't any fish left in this area. Someone is writing into the paper to complain about the noise of the sea lions. I have a take on this, Andrew. Are you ready?

Yeah, I guess. Can I just say, though, that one of the reasons I sent this to you is like, who is this person mad at? It feels like something could be done. Are they mad at the sea lions, Luke? Anyway, that's what caught my eye. What is your take?

Seattle is Now, one of the most expensive cities in America, from a real estate perspective, I don't know if you know anything about this, Andrew, but it's very expensive to buy a house in Seattle. Oh, really? I thought it was an affordable place to live. No, those rumors are untrue. They were calling it the Cleveland of the West for many years, but it is no longer. if you are living close enough to the water in seattle to be troubled by the noise that the sea lions are making out of here with that shit like you are a billionaire at this point like i like if the biggest problem in your life is the sea lions on like on and around the water that you live close enough to hear i have no time for your petty grievance i mean that's interesting that you

say that because when i think about the money in seattle i mostly think of the new money in seattle that are like kind of the tech people coming in and buying those really nice homes um for some reason though i don't feel those people are the ones who are sending in the rants and raves to the seattle times i feel like by definition if you're sending in a rant or a rave you're a long

time seattleite right i would imagine i don't know this the age of this person but i assume it's in North of 70

Do you think that anybody Younger than 55 Has ever, well, yeah I can see myself Sending one in, do you think anybody Younger than my age of 45 Has ever, dear Dell computers Right, exactly I just like No, don't

Don't beat up on my friend Andrew Like, just I would I would be so happy to have the problem of the barking sea lions i i would give anything to live on the ship canal or in shill shull uh in seattle like that is just such a privileged position uh that that the idea that you're writing to the and i get you know maybe this person's being slightly cheeky or funny i guess but like again who like you said who are you writing to do you think the sea lions are going to see this and again that's like complaining that the i don't know the orange juice in your mimosa on your private jet is too acidic like it is just the firstest of first world problems and i have no time for it now but also just the dismount though i mean i just also love

that like they don't even know what it is like okay there's a different rant and rave that isn't even on this list today um that that made me mad it was somebody who was so upset about homeless people who were sleeping on um who were sleeping on the the light rail train cars and this person was like sound transit should do something about this there were five people sleeping on my car so i had to get off that car and i was kind of like um don't be wrong it sounds like they're doing a lot to you that's exactly what i was thinking now don't be wrong i i understand that We need better systems in place so that homelessness is an issue for everybody and we need to make sure that people have places to sleep so they don't have to sleep on train cars. I'm not saying that that is just a level of society that we should be comfortable with. But this person is angry and they're like, I couldn't be on that car with five people who were asleep. And I was kind of like, OK. But as much as I disagree with that person, they said Sound Transit should do something about this. I disagree with that person, but at least they had somebody that could point their finger to.

At least they had identified a possible group that could fix it. At least it's an ethos, right?

Right. Here's how this person ends their rant. Seems like something could be done about the breakwater near Rays before there aren't any fish left in this area. What do you think can be done? Like, are you mad at the people who work at Rays? Are you mad at the fish for attracting the sea lions? Are you mad at the sea lions for crossing the border illegally? What do you want done? Like it doesn't even – it's just astounded. What did I say in my email to you? Like it's sublime.

And also I feel like they're throwing a lot of things at the wall to see what sticks because now they're making it a salmon issue at the end because that is – that's an actual conversation that maybe should happen, which is like the salmon have to go through the fish. ladder there and they all kind of like there's a chris sullivan choke point and the sea lions just like chill and just feast on the sand it's like old country buffet for sea lions and and again that's where we have basically created something that's a that that's a choke point for the fish and so the sea lions can just have you know have a time at it maybe that's a conversation from an ecological perspective but don't throw that on the end you're mad because a sea lion barked and in your multi-million dollar home near Ray's boathouse, it bothered you. Right, exactly. And again, it's just like, it's unclear what, it just says, if you have a rant,

that ends seems like something could be done you've lost me that's not a good dismount what

about a rant to party buses my daughter lives in nashville okay stop bragging you have a daughter they live in nashville famous for drunken bachelor what's the chances that all of these rants are written by the same person and also the person who complained about the people sleeping on sound transit a lot to vary uh rant to party buses my daughter lives in nashville famous for drunken bachelorette parties carried by buses blasting music and serving booze. My rant is that somebody decided to try this in Seattle. Unlike Tennessee, it's cold and wet here, so the roofless bus idea is not going to fly. Well, problem solved, right? Yeah. Nonetheless, we now have a bus that cruises down First Avenue trying to generate the same vibe. The fact that the person used vibe does lower their age in my mind. I was thinking this was somebody that was quite elderly, but vibe makes me think maybe they're in their late 40s, early 50s. Take your bus with the million decibels and go hang out on frat row at the U-Dub. They'll love it, is the rant. Now, as I think about it, I would be annoyed if a party bus drove by my apartment here in Portland and was blasting music. So I started off kind of being dismissive of this person's rant. But if like if once every hour there was a party bus just like bopping down the road here in front of my building, I have to say I would be mildly annoyed by that.

Well, a couple of things here. You pointed the one out already, and I just want to highlight it again. In the middle of this rant about party buses, you also just have a sentence that would seem to belie your argument. Unlike Tennessee, it's cold and wet here. So roofless bus idea is not going to fly. But then – but it is flying. Job done. That's what you're complaining about. Job done. What do you – it's just – like that from me, just as a former peer writing assistant or PWA, I just sort of feel like have a thesis and then everything backs up that thesis. That sentence does not back up. Like what are you getting at there?

So if the thesis is that this is not the climate for it, that will sort itself out.

Right. Exactly. So just get rid of that just from an editorial perspective. Just like get rid of that. Also, I just love this sentence, or I guess fragment, although it's presented as a sentence here. Rant to party buses. I just love it. Rant to party buses.

Well, you go back to Cleveland and your whole Kent State writing mentorship really flares up. Anyway. Let's end on a nice, on a rave. Yes.

Are you going to do the one above it? I love this one.

Oh, I was going to go with the rave to Sydney at UW Radiation Oncology. For welcoming a terrified cancer patient to their first appointment by saying, I'm sorry you have to be here. I am too. Thanks for your kindness during my time with you. Like, that's, I feel like that's a very, that's a useful thought for all of us who are dealing with, whoever might be dealing with somebody who's having a tough time. Usually just like acknowledging it and holding space is kind of the way to go.

I agree. And if you don't mind, it's slightly longer, but I'd also like to include this little rave that I like, that I feel like I can associate with in one way or another. Rave to a helpful pharmacist. Recently, I stopped by Bartel Drugs in Sammamish to pick up an N95 mask. They were out, but I sort of figured they would be. See, I already like the attitude of this person, right? Like, they went in. They're like, their expectations were checked. Like, I know it's hard to get my laptop, which was my fault.

And then I went into Bartels and anticipated an issue.

I wonder how many people – I feel like I would be the type of person who would write in a rant but then would feel like I'd need to send in a rave as well because I'm the type of person who if I ever write an angry Yelp review, I feel like I need to balance it out with a nice Yelp review because I don't want all my entire Yelp channel to just be like cranky old man shit. Anyway, so I went into the Sammamish Bartel drugs to pick up an N95 mask. They were out. I figured they would be. The pharmacist said I could order some online as she had done. I continued shopping the pharmacist caught up with me and said she had some extra masks in her car she gave me two of them and would not let me pay her for them I was taking my 81 year old husband to the doctor the next day and these were good masks to wear how about that how about the Bartel drugs employee who would not take no for an answer and grabbed from her or from their personal supply out of their car I love that rave that's really awesome that's see you know what there are still like five

good people left on planet earth i mean we're not two of them but there are good people that

still exist and i have a theory about this pharmacist too i'll bet you it was a sea lion it was barking i have a

here i go once again with the email every week i hope that it's from a female no man it's not

from a female uh i don't know if you've had a chance because of all of the uh tumult of your travels but have you a chance to grab any emails or vmails if not i can do a sea lion impression And buy us some time

It's not a competition Although I think I already won

I can't let you be the resident sea lion Impersonator on the show

I got a voicemail here From our dear pal Gus Of course Of the Fletch F Fletch clan And I hate to say this isn't all good news Luke Unfortunately Gus We've had a lot of young people checking in

With dark topics Like, you know, monkeys, making end-of-life choices, things like that.

Right, yeah. I actually have some more jokes, too. Crab Rangoon. To workshop some more. Things like that. Okay, so here, but I'm going to start with this voicemail from Gus, who has a bone to pick with you. Oh, really? Yeah, this is true.

Has Gus been ranting to the Seattle Times?

Yeah, I've got to say, though, yeah, I'm not sure if Gus's rant holds up, although it holds up better than those two. Take a listen.

Hello, Luke and Andrew. There's no easy way to say this. Specifically, I'm talking to you, Luke, but I believe I've been holding a grudge against you for the past maybe three years due to an event that you probably don't even remember, but here we go. probably so about three years ago i had a cold okay keep that in mind i had a cold wait can you

pause really quick yeah this guy is really growing up yeah i know i had the same thought this is a fully formed human you know not the like young phyllis and josh offspring that i think of This person is ready for life and has matured to a point where they're leaving a very funny, albeit slightly negative, voicemail for the show. Anyway, it's something about your friends' kids growing up that really makes your oldness in the world stand out.

Also keep in mind that Gus is basically a radio professional now as well. He was a co-host on Brains On for so long, and so he's comfortable in this space. One might even argue more comfortable than me, although that was a low bar to clear, Gus. You seem pretty comfortable today. Yeah, exactly. Back to Gus.

I had a cold, okay? Keep that in mind. I had a cold, but I also had a dream. And that dream was like, I don't know, I don't even remember it. But there was a character from my favorite TV show. and that character's name was Banana Joe, J-O-E, Joe, as in Joe Biden.

Wait, can you hit pause again? Uh-huh. He also talks so much like Phyllis. Oh, I didn't. Can you not hear? I didn't notice. I hear Phyllis through Gus right now.

Well, I feel like Gus wants to be very, very clear with what he's saying right now, and I think there's a reason for that. That is that's at the heart of, I think, what he's still in the dream.

He's he's describing a dream still.

Yes. So he had he'd had this dream a long time ago and he had shared it with us via the TBTL voicemail line. And again, as he says, that was like three years ago.

So here I'm going to back up a little bit and give it back to Gus here was Banana Joe, J-O-E Joe as in Joe Biden. and i wanted to tell you guys about the dream so i left a message and because i had a cold my nose was very stuffy and when i said banana joe luke you thought i was saying banana jones as in indiana jones i don't know if it was because i had a cold and i was grumpy but that made me very upset so i just wanted to let you know okay bye bye hugs and kisses

see he'd been he did a rant but then he did a rave

by hanging on to that for three years i could be doing my math wrong i think gus is around 11 now so since he was eight years old he's been carrying that around yeah um well i want to offer an apology like you offer

one to me at the beginning of the show i um i want to go north of i did nothing wrong and south of an apology uh-huh okay gus uh i i i want to honor and recognize that i misheard you you were saying banana joe not banana jones uh and uh i will correct the record and going forward i will um if it ever comes up again i will remember that's a that's not real i will not remember um i will try to remember that it's you were saying banana joe like biden not banana jones

like indiana and castellanos hits it out to left field that's gonna be a home run how much of that did i mess up what's the actual quote i feel like i think you might have gotten the name right i feel like i got sort of close i i know he says that's going to be a home run anyway uh let's see here I do have a couple. Let's save these for tomorrow. But I did get a couple of more jokes on the voicemail line from a young listener named Ned who wanted to workshop some material.

I love that we're becoming the podcast for young people workshopping jokes. I really do. That's an awesome trend to me.

I like to think. I mean, I don't know. But I like to think that maybe we could be the podcast for young people produced by American Public Media. Yeah, what do you think? Oh, could we get Gus on? As long as he's not working for anybody else, it could be good. It could be good.

All right, let's call that a show, my friend, because you've probably got hours in front of you of piecing this whole thing together from a technical standpoint. And I know you've got to go get lunch with your dad. Where are you guys going for lunch?

I can't remember. I think a place – well, obviously, if I tell you the name of the place, I will be just mobbed by Cleveland Tents.

I think there is a Let me just say this If you're in Cleveland And you see Andrew and his dad Please approach Andrew So that he will get some cred with Bob

Oh I thought you were going to say Approach me gently Because I'm just dealing with laptop issues

No I'm saying like it would really Was your dad on the Boeing tour When you got recognized years ago?

Yeah yeah Okay well then don't approach him It's over You don't know I've already had enough I have too big of a head But I would say that If you do run into me in Cleveland Please approach me with a dell xps 13 with a working keyboard because i love this computer and i really wish i hadn't abused it um but anyway yeah i think we're gonna go to a vietnamese place called nam pen i believe

oh okay are you in we can talk about this tomorrow but are you i assume you're actually not in cleveland cleveland you're uh west side suburbs yeah area yep yep all right well andrew again i think this was a fun show i know that you're kind of in your head about it but i think the listeners will back me that this was actually a fun episode so try to give yourself a little bit of grace and a little bit of a break today as you're okay enjoying vietnamese food with your

dad and stepmom all right i will do that i'm gonna try to shake shake it off just shake it off that's like a polaroid picture shake it off like a polaroid picture yeah as van halen once just really nailing the dismount just remind remember this is the man who is just making fun of somebody

else for not nailing a dismount so but you came up with some good show titles including lost luggage and long femurs yes or long femur freak those are your two options today fantastic all right thanks for listening everyone we will be back here tomorrow with more imaginary radio for you till then have a great tuesday take care of yourselves be nice to yourself too please and also please remember no mountain too tall and good luck to all

I like to wear bright socks, and I'm an avid Cleveland Browns fan.

Power out.