Muse

I'm 36 years old. It's not going great, I've got to be honest. I don't look good for 36. Nobody's ever like, no way! I'm broke too, it's not good to be broke. At 36, that's not good. In your 20s it's fine to be broke, because you can be like, you know, figuring it out. But in your 30s, you have to get ready to die. I'm not ready, folks. my friends are getting ready they like own their house they have kids they have like funds they'll be like Andy what's your retirement plan and right now it is to walk into the woods that's all I got just kind of wander into the wilderness see what happens my 401k is to walk 401 kilometers so TBTL

i don't know what this is but jay says it's a big sea turtle did he yip or did he if

uh he said skip and i said no my name's buddy okay he yipped if he yipped that means hello if he yips if that happens well then you got a problem great i've made the change your wife's

new legal name is targets targets is this okay oh my god man we are seeing some we ain't never

seen before all right hello good morning and welcome everyone to a thursday edition of tbtl the show that just might be too beautiful to live spock sabotage the system my name is luke burbank i am your host i'm not a man i'm a turtle coming to you for the final episode from bismarck north dakota in the menards district but you stare at a menards for three solid days and you start to wonder what goes on inside there i may have to go check that out before i leave bismarck i've also been walking around humming just a friend in my head for the last few days and i couldn't figure out why and then i realized bismarck key do we think the the rapper and uh and actor R.I.P. Bismarcky you think that was related to Bismarck and did Bismarcky ever actually play in Bismarck, North Dakota these are the kind of thoughts one has while staring at a Menards from out the window of a courtyard by Marriott it is another nice day

oh ma, pa, it's just beautiful

in North Dakota it is immersively not that hot but I am thinking about all of you who are sweltering and dealing with ridiculous temperatures wherever you might be. Hope you're doing okay. I bring you episode 3,737 in a collector series. Let the fun begin. For your enjoyment. And they're dealing with more than just high temperatures in France. Do they have enough mustard to get through the summer in France is the question.

The answer, sadly, is not yes.

people spying on how much mustard other people are buying and reporting them to the tiktok police uh we didn't get to the story yesterday we will get to it today also an emu in england helped detain a drunk driver they're trying to say i was drunk i drank eight beers yesterday that was all i drank also uh there is a uh quite adorable video of julia louis dreyfus on the set of Sesame Street that is bouncing around the internet. Welcome to the internet. Like everyone, I was charmed by the video. But unlike everyone, I've got some other questions about what is going on there on Sesame Street. I want to play the audio and talk about it. Oh, speaking of audio, I've got a situation involving the rental car that I've got here in Bismarck that I need to get Andrew's sage advice on. Also, it's a Thursday, a.k.a. Blur's Day, so we'll do the Blur's Day messages. And speaking of the longest-running co-bro of the show, my rotten soldier, maybe best known for his depictions of the tall ships, he is Andrew Walsh.

I'll say, what's up, dog?

And he is joining me right now. Hello, my friend.

You're a good time boy. Sorry, my mic was turned on. Boy. Hey, listen. I have a question for you.

I really want to hear what I... Yeah. I deal with this a lot on my side as well, because you know me. I love a good cough button on my microphone. I love a good mute. And I just reflexively mute my microphone, particularly when I'm at home. But even here, I mute my microphone almost as a nervous tick. But it also means that there are times where you say something and I laugh and you don't hear it because I've got myself muted. There are times when I am introducing you and you start talking and then realize your mic is muted. do you think that the stumbles that you and I both commit based on

our mics being muted are possibly worse than whatever it is we're trying to protect the

listeners from by muting our microphone well i i only make that mistake at the very beginning of the show because it makes sense to i mean i've been doing this for so long i mean my microphone is always muted until it's my turn to talk and then usually i just leave it unmuted the rest of the show until i have to clear my throat and then i clear my throat and i unmute it so i'm not living on the mute like you are but i'm living on the mute man it's bad it's bad for me but you are

I want you to know I've been laughing at most of your jokes. Yeah, right. When you think you're bombing, it's because I've muted the microphone, and I haven't unmuted it quick enough for you to hear my response.

Well, then does it make you feel bad to know that my mic is open, but I'm not laughing at your jokes? It makes me feel horrible. I'm clearly laughing at my own. Yeah, sorry. You know, I think it has happened a lot recently, but I don't know why. I'm going to be a better boy. I'm going to be your good time boy. It's getting worse. You're going to be a better boy? Now I'm going into like Flava. I'm going into Flava Flav. I know. Boi! Okay, I just have one more update. I really apologize. I feel like I'm going to this well too much. Is this P.O. Box related? It is P.O. Box related. So yesterday on the show, I gave you some updates on some of the things that we had found in our P.O. Box, in our famous, in our very famous What's in the Box segment that we unveiled on Tuesday's show. And so yesterday I tied up some loose ends and I explained something that I did not get upon first opening one of these packages was that somebody had sent me some Max Headroom or Headroom fanfic because I had made a joke in the newsletter, things that you, things you can send us that are acceptable in the P.O. box. I just made a joke and I said Max Headroom fanfic, right? Totally forgot about it. Then we received some. And I told you about it, and it came in this really cool card with Max Hedrum's face on it, and it's typed out on the inside, but it's only the first three paragraphs. And then there's a link to a website called fanfiction.net, and then a complicated string of letters and characters after that. And the name of the story here is To the Victor Go the Spoils. So I knew this was from listener Mark based on the return address. His pen name, by the way, is The Precious Heart, all one word. And there's a reason why that's important, because I told you on the show yesterday that I was now interested in actually reading the rest of the story, knowing what I was holding. And so I went to fanfiction.net and then I just searched for The Precious Heart and Luke. This is not from a listener who saw my little spoof in the newsletter and said, hey, I'll write some special Max Hedrum fan fiction for Andrew. This was written in 2019. Mark, a.k.a. The Precious Heart, has a very vibrant literary life. Wow. All I can say is wow. I'm glad you find this interesting because I am blown away. I still haven't read much of it because we were busy before the show.

So it was a pre-existing condition. This was something that he wrote. This was not a response to your spoof.

This was something that already existed in the world. And I'm legit very interested in reading the rest of this. But this isn't the only Max Hedrum fanfic that Mark has written. And I hope it's okay for me to use his first name. I know he writes it here under the precious heart, but he included his name on the return address. But he's written a little Shop of Whores fanfic, Hitchhiker's Guide, X-Files. I mean, just all kinds of stuff. And in his bio, it explains all of the works that are being referenced, and then all of the relationships, or ships, as they call them in fan fiction, and kind of how they all play out. I mean, Truman Show, There's Inside Llewyn Davis Fanfic that has been written By The Precious Heart This is all I want to do today Is go through all of these And read all of these So I hope Mark it's okay I hope I'm not doxing you And I hope it's okay And maybe other listeners Who are interested in this And maybe who write themselves Want to hook up with you Over at fanfiction.net The Precious Heart Is the pseudonym

What is Max And I'm going to go ahead And go with the traditional if maybe wrong pronunciation of max headroom um what does max headroom fanfic look like and sound like because is it like the inner life of this like whatever he is can digital program or something or is it just other people that live in the universe and then he's on a tv somewhere flickering like he that seems like a difficult character to write for because i have no sense of what his

personality even is if he has one I'm I'm just like I haven't read the story yet and I'm scanning it now and the funny thing is I don't even know if Max Hedrum himself makes an appearance now I could be wrong about this it's a lengthy story and I'm looking but it looks like because Max Hedrum had his own show for a while right And so this looks like it might be delving into some of the lives of the tertiary, the secondary and tertiary characters, maybe. Again, my apologies that I have not read this all the way through. This is a full story here. But I think maybe that's what's going on here. Maybe fleshing out some of the universe. Did you laugh there, but your thing was muted?

No, that was just my brain turning. Silently. Steadily. How about now? Importantly. I was just trying to think, what are the literary universes that I know the characters well enough that I could read fanfic, right? Because obviously that's based on a lot of knowledge of the universe that these characters inhabit. And then other things happen to these characters, but presumably within that universe. Probably Lebowski. I could hang with some Lebowski fanfic, potentially.

Well, if this is done right and it seems like it is like I could see this as an introduction to this universe and these other characters. Like, I don't know who these people are, but it seems to be written in a way that I am getting to know them in a way as well. I mean, it's not it's not hokey. It doesn't seem necessarily like too much tell, don't show. But like, yeah, I mean, it might be one of those things where if you're bringing some existing knowledge in, you're getting a little bit more out of it. But I don't know if it's exclusionary, though, unless you're talking about writing it, in which case that's a different question. And, like, what do you and I even know? I won't even write a Mad Lib. You think I'm going to write fanfic? I actually like the idea of Lebowski. That would be – do you know that – sorry, I'm changing gears here but staying on the subject. I stumbled on some fanfic one time, and I don't know why this is. I'm not a huge Snake Plissken fan, the main character in Escape from New York. Kurt Russell? Kurt Russell. Thank you. I kind of – I knew at some point I'd have to say his name, and I didn't have it at my fingertips. But, of course, famously, Kurt Russell did Escape from New York and then Escape from L.A. And I think I've seen them both now at this point. I know I watch Escape from L.A. in L.A. And people are always referencing I Thought You Died. Then did you watch Escape from KCRW?

Did it?

I wrote it. Did that strike especially close to home? I wrote Escape from WKRP in Cincinnati, actually, which is my own fanfic. I love it. of world um but uh there's a recurring joke where people or a reference where people keep saying we thought you died in cleveland and it was my understanding that that that whatever happened to him in cleveland was just like kind of a funny thing to refer back to but we never see it on screen it either happens i thought it happened before new york and la or between new york and la but it might have happened before any of them but i one day was i don't know what i was googling for but i stumbled on the cleveland chapter that somebody wrote as fanfic as a as a play by the way as a screenplay and i don't have it in front of me right now i believe it began with some people negotiating in a high tower office setting and some of the people were native american that's all i remember about escape from cleveland which is online somewhere as a pdf so somebody went in

And basically kind of wrote that chapter of the book Or of the film that's never actually addressed on screen

Yeah, which I mean, I guess is obvious I mean, if people are writing, you know Inside Llewyn Davis fan fiction You know, the fact that somebody would write the chapter That is missing from the Snickclissian thing I'm writing the part that's outside Llewyn Davis That was thoroughly unexplored in the film It's a rich multiverse Anyway, I will stop referring back to that Series of characters

Yeah, okay I need to – I said at the end of yesterday's episode that I already think I know what your answer to this question will be, which is how would you have handled this situation? I think I have a sense. But let me just give you the two-minute sort of backstory on me and my rental car here in Bismarck, North Dakota. So when I was still back in Portland, I was trying to rent a car, and I am a Navis Wizard, not to brag. But I was trying to use the Avis app to rent a car, and it said we're sold out, which seems kind of wild to me that the airport would be sold out of cars in Bismarck, North Dakota. But also I'll believe anything, right, because the supply chain works in mysterious ways. And so I just kept checking back periodically thinking, well, maybe somebody will cancel or something. I mean, part of the problem is you don't get penalized for canceling a rental car or not canceling a rental car reservation. You can just not use it, and they can't do anything to you. So I think a lot of people will rent a car or reserve a car and then decide not to use it for one reason or another, but it's still going to be on hold. So anyway, I land in Bismarck, and my plan is just to take a lift everywhere, and I'm kind of going back and forth between towns here. It would have been a little bit inconvenient, but I just – while I'm waiting for my luggage, I walk over to the Avis counter, and I go, do you have any cars to rent? And the guy goes, yeah. And I go, why did the internet say you don't have any cars? He goes, oh, we just turned the internet off. We tell the internet we don't have any more cars when we're worried that we might be about to run out of cars. Yeah, okay. I mean that sort of makes sense. Yeah, actually, you know what? It's better than the alternative, right? Yeah, exactly. You allow it to continue reserving vehicles you don't have, and then you get the Yelp review of a lifetime. As Genevieve once said to a rental counter person when you all had been promised a car and had a car reserved and there was not one available. But anyway, so I – well, two things about my rental car. It is a Ford Edge Lorde, which I thought it was interesting that they went all the way with that name. Well, it rhymes. Yeah. It's a Ford Edge And he goes, oh yeah, actually this is brand new It has zero miles on it And sure enough It had zero miles How can a car that's at the airport in Bismarck, North Dakota Have zero miles on it Did they airdrop it? Right off the tow truck Like they towed it there I mean, do you get a tenth of a mile Driving it to the parking space? It had 0.0 miles on it

This is better than using a port-a-potty For the very first time Wait, that came out wrong Sounds like using a port-a-potty for the very first time That's a reference to yesterday's show In case you missed it You just think Andrew's having an aphasia Being the first person to ever use a port-a-potty

Is what I should say Being the first person to shit in a Ford Edge, Andrew, is Because you're just not expecting it to be as clean as it is

I still messed it up, though If you didn't hear the show You would think that you're the first person on Earth To ever shit in a port-a-potty I don't want to I'm bailing, by the way Continue your story I don't want to explain it anymore

Okay, so this is the thing, though So first of all, I was happy that not only did I get a vehicle from them of any kind, I actually like Ford Edges, and I thought it was kind of cool that I was the first person to drive this vehicle. That was kind of fun. So anyway, I looked down at my phone at some point, Andrew, and I have a voicemail, and I'm going to play you this voicemail now. I'm nervous.

Hi, this message is for Luke. This is Stacey with Avis in Bismarck, North Dakota. If you can return my call, I have a couple questions about the rental that you have that we're running into a little bit of a pickle. If you could give me a phone call, my phone number here is 701-255-0707. Thank you.

Listener, I have not called her back yet. That was two days ago. Oh. Oh, because I know if I were to have called her back, she would say we sent you out with the wrong car or we're actually out of cars and we need you to bring the car back. It would have somehow involved me not having this car anymore. And I don't want to give them the car back. I would rather that they just figure it out, that they just somebody drives a car over from the Fargo location or something like this. By the way, they have not called back since there was some sort of clerical error on their end. But I was I am very certain that the solving of the clerical error would involve me having to return the car to the airport. And so I chose to not return the phone call, figuring they would just kind of work it out. And they haven't called me back. And I figure they did just kind of work it out. But is that just is that just truly immoral behavior on my part?

i don't think it's like truly immoral like i understand the conundrum here because here's the deal if you were originally thinking well maybe for this trip i'll just you know use car share ride share services anyway and it's not that big of a deal to have this car i could see an argument where you say okay well if they're calling you and i love that she said we're in a pickle by the way i find that absolutely charming i know is that the most chances of calling her back midwest thing yeah i say that sometimes i i love yeah so anyway i find that that was very charming here's the deal though charming so i was thinking like well if you were already on the fence just return it but the thing is at this point like you're there you're juggling well i think three jobs while you're there you're there on assignment you're doing tbtl you're probably doing your live wire stuff from there i don't really know like you i am assuming you don't have like tons of extra time to go drive a car all the way back onto the airport and i mean not onto the airport lot not onto the tarmac but like you know navigating airports is a pain in the neck and then you gotta like then what you get your ride share back to your place i mean that could i don't know how far away from the airport you are but we're talking about a probably more more than an hour's worth of time to figure this all out and it's sort of not your responsibility Now, the thing is, so I'm kind of.

understand why you didn't but here's i would have called back which is just asking for trouble but it's not out of morals it's more like you know me i'm not good and this is why you know i think you like this is one of the things that you like about playing cards is like you can like not show your cards like i show my cards like i i take my cards and i staple them facing outward to my chest and it hurts it hurts so bad but i want everybody to know what my cards are all the because i am scared that like i would just it would just give me an anxiety to not know what the deal is you know what i mean like when knowing that i'm gonna have to return this and again this is just this is a this is a combination of my inexperience in renting cars like you rent cars just i'm pretty sure you rent you've rented a car every day for the past four years right even

if you didn't yeah sometimes i rent a car to just to drive to where the car rental counter a different car rental counter i just drive around the airport in various rental rented

cars you rent a bicycle then you rent a cart and then you rent a slightly bigger cart and then eventually you rent a car and then a canyon era um but i uh i think for me it would just be like well what's going to happen when i show up what are they going to say and one thing that i did learn from my last trip you know when i was coming back from denver with that i mean i got into i I mean, how much rental car anxiety did I have over that that I shouldn't have had? That was all self-inflicted. But like, you know, a pebble hit my windshield driving on the highway. And for the last 300 miles, I had a crack fully across the entire windshield. And I knew I wasn't going to be like they weren't going to seize my house and all of my possessions. I knew that somehow it would be handled through work. I figured there'd be some paperwork to fill out. Turns out there was nothing. It was insured and they just waved me away and like that was it. And so I guess I am learning to maybe try to relax on that stuff a little bit and not borrow trouble or future trip or whatever word you want to use is. But I got to say, if I were in your position, it would be tough for me not to call back. But again, this is not a moral argument on my part. It's just like I'm a pretty high stress person.

Right. It's almost self-preservation. Yeah. Because the alternative of walking around kind of not knowing would create more emotional damage for you, if you will, or stress than just calling and dealing with the consequences. I am, as you've mentioned, as listeners know, I'm wired a little differently, which is I'm okay with just kind of playing dumb when I return the car. My guess is, and I can give you an update on Friday's show as to how it went when I took the car back to the airport. My guess is that it literally won't even be commented upon Because the pickle Will have been Handled And the pickle will be picked And the person who I'm returning the car to Although this is It's a small airport, it's a fairly small operation I might get the person who had called me But my guess is that Basically what it came down to was Someone else is going to be put out This is where That is a bummer Yeah, if there is a little – there is a certain amount of selfishness to what I did just based on the fact that, like, if they messed up – I mean, I have a contract, obviously. They gave the car to me, so if there was an error or someone miscounted the number of cars and I got a car by mistake, you know, that's kind of on them. But it also means that there is the potential – and this is where, as I'm talking it out, I am feeling kind of like I'm not being a good citizen of the world. Yeah. Was there somebody at that time with their three kids excited to see the sights and sounds of both Bismarck and Mandan, North Dakota?

To visit their grandparents for the very last time because they're elderly and ill, Luke?

Yeah, or just because they don't like them that much and they just figured this will probably be the last time we hang out. The grandparents are in their 50s. They're fine. They're just annoying. They voted for Trump. Yeah, exactly. um some if this is kind of a you know one in one out policy right someone else who probably had a reservation yeah is is writing the yelp review of a lifetime yeah yeah and i'm over here with the vehicle and that's a little bit you know that's a bit selfish of me to not call and try to investigate the situation because it would put me out i just want to call it what it is that was a bit of selfishness on my part and also just how unbelievably lovely this avis employee sounds uh with the we've oh we've got a bit of a pickle here i mean that's also kind of making me feel

a little bit bad for my um for my actions can i say one more thing here that is i guess more like it's more cover for you i don't think you need cover but if there were any awkward interactions i think it's interesting that they called and left you a voicemail but didn't follow up with like an email or a text because I mean there is very plausible

deniability that you would have heard that voicemail because how many people are listening to voicemails that come in from unknown numbers these days like the people just don't communicate that way so like if you had to play dumb which again i think you're right you're not going to be confronted about this but they could say did you get our voicemail and you'd be like no i did not like you just say no like i literally had already rehearsed a lie

on that front which was which was like um oh did you get the voicemail we left oh you know what my phone does this thing where if my voicemail is full it starts you can leave a message but it'll delete it see i played all through because i was like i was gonna say oh my voicemail was full but then the person could be like well why did it let me leave a message because you know you get that the person you're calling by the way question on that how are how and why are our voicemails filling up so fast i am paying for eight trigabytes of data on this phone is like i have at any one time maybe five or i will i save messages if they're from my daughter i have a saved message from amy sedaris like messages that i was either like kind of thought oh that's cool that that person left a message on my machine or sentimental reasons my daughter or something funny my mom said i probably have like six saved voicemails or just voicemails i haven't deleted and if i get like four more they're like you're at 99 capacity you're about your voicemail is about to be full Yes. And it's like I pay for so much flipping storage and flipping data.

I'm calling you now. Don't answer this. I just want to see if I hear that. Is it going to be your voicemail or is it going to be?

I don't even remember. I've never called my voicemail. Let's find out.

I hope you start by giving out your number. I think it might be the robot. You've reached. Remember we used to do that. You've reached 216. Oh, it'll probably say. You'll probably have to bleep my number. It will give the number. Okay, I can stop. I don't remember. I've never called it. I don't even know what. My call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system. Okay, so I'm going to stop this now and talk over it, but it has been forwarded, forwarded. I could never be the person who does that voice because I can't say forwarded. So it's not filled up yet. That's not an issue I've had. I know other people, they're filled by design, right? Like that's their way of saying, like, don't even bother. But I got to say, Luke, to go back to this lie you were rehearsing, and I feel like I'm giving you advice on lying but my dude like that's way too complicated they say did you get our voicemail you just say no no you left me a voicemail no i know what's up we'll see but then what i would say what's up

what i was worried was but see here was the thing and this was me borrowing trouble i um was thinking if i were to get the the if i were to get this nice lady from uh the avis

hi this message is for luke this is stacy with avis if i got stacy from avis and bismarck and

And she said, did you get the voicemail I left about the pickle? And I said, no. She would – oh, it let me leave a message. I guess my initial thought was I was just going to say, oh, my voicemail is full. But then if she said, well, I left – it let me leave a message. I don't imagine Stacey litigating this this hard. But if she were to say, let me leave a message, then I'd have to come up with another lie, which is why lying is such a bad idea. You just don't have to give any explanation.

You just say, no, I didn't. What's up?

That's all you have to say. No I didn't what's up That's what you learn at lying school That's what they told me on Ask Lies Where I graduated top of my class Although I'm clearly slipping Because you're 100% right I would just say sorry I didn't get it But there was something about the fact that she was able to leave the message That made me think I needed to construct A universe in which the message was left Like that's not up for debate So then how did I not get it I didn't look at it

I think the vast majority of people do not check their voicemails like you i've how many voicemail outgoing messages say hey you've reached so and so i don't really check this um but you might want to email me at this or what whatever like people are not really checking at splatnet splatnet.2 what is it splat2 at splatnet.net have you ever gone to the richard splat website that they created for that character it is so good these and i were just on it again and that's vice right i'm sorry that's v right Yes, exactly, and there's this wonderful character played by Sam Richardson called Richard Splett, and just like we're talking about fanfic, they flesh out his entire character even more online by creating a fake blog for him, and I don't know who wrote it. I assume it wasn't Sam Richardson. That's so great. But it's written in his voice. It's got audio and video.

i don't understand why every single website that's referenced and telephone number that's listed or used in a major film or tv show isn't an easter egg like that yeah like why would you ever use 555-1212 when you could have a real number and then when someone called it something cool happened You

To the person who's taken the time to write down the phone number off of the, you know, Ryan Gosling film or whatever. Like, I just think that that is such a fun element. And it seems like a market, a marketing opportunity as well, even if it's one person at a time. That just doesn't just seem like such a better alternative than just a pretend number or a website that goes nowhere.

I think that would be awesome. Yeah, I wonder if there's maybe legal implications. I don't really know. But yeah, with like, you know, you can just get yourself a fake number. By the way Genevieve for coincidentally was just sending me this yesterday because we were texting each other she was out of town and we were I don't know how I think we use some Richard splat in a show a couple of days ago and so I was joking about Richard splat in on his blog and I don't know why his character is a very nerdy kind of uptight very smart intellectual but emotionally like doesn't have a lot of emotional intelligence kind of character. I don't know why he wrote this blog post Where is the best place to store your cocaine This was posted on May 11, 2018 I'm going to skip to that part Unless you have access to You know that just made the Veep writers laugh Unless you have access to some sort of Industrial freeze drying equipment Or good laboratory quality glove box With military grade dehumidification modifications The best place to store cocaine is Wait for it, in your freezer Now I can guess what you're thinking That was me going into my little bit of split Now, I can guess what you're thinking. You're thinking, hey, Richard, my freezer...

You know what I used to eat for breakfast?

Cocaine. My freezer is full of frozen ice and releases a cloud of cool, moist vapor whenever I open it. I don't want my Coke to get all wet and turn into a puddle of sticky mush when I cut some lines up for my friends. Well, never fear. Your freezer is actually the least humid place in your house because all of the water in the air inside has been locked up, solid as ice. That cloud you see when you open the door is just cold, dry air from the freezer reacting to the warm, moist air of your house. It goes on from there. Anyway, I highly recommend.

I love how they sneak some science in there. Right? I know. It starts off seeming like a drug reference and is really just an interesting description of humidity inside a freezer.

Right. I know. Actually, upon me reading it there, I probably did not read the funniest part of that. But anyway, yeah, I highly recommend. I mean, the jokes are old. The show's been off the air for several seasons now. The last post was on May 5th, 2019, and it's a spoiler to the end of the series, but there's so much good stuff on here.

Speaking of Veep, Andrew, and people on Veep, I want to play this Julia Louis-Dreyfus audio when we come back from the break, and then I want to talk about an element of it that kind of jumped out at me. And it's not the thing that everybody else is focusing on, which is that she swears in front of Elmo. But something else about this that I want to get into in a moment when we return on TBTL. All right. Let's thank some donors of the day. These wonderful, generous folks are keeping TBTL in business with their donations. People like Georgia Millward of Baltimore, Maryland. Hey, Georgia. Thank you. Deb Tenasse is in Tacoma, Washington. Hey, Deb. How's it going? Daniel Knafel is in Las Vegas, Nevada. Vegas, baby. Vegas. Did you come up with that? I wonder if Daniel's ever heard that one. That's good. i saw a clip from swingers the other day on tiktok and i mean you were early to the party of not liking that sort of vibe and the vince vonification of that film i on the other hand elected vince vaughn as the new god of my life when i saw that movie but um uh it does not for me let me put it this way i no longer want to go through my life like the vince Vaughn character in that film, with about 20 to 30 years of lived experience between the first time I saw the movie and recently. But anyway, that's neither here nor there. Daniel is in Las Vegas, and we appreciate the support. Also, Justin Brouillette is in Portland, Oregon. Thanks, Justin. And then Mark Hutchison is in Burnaby, British Columbia. Okay. It's an international edition of The Donors. Okay. What's going on? As we were in the break and we were getting the list together, you said there's something incredible about this list of donors. Can I mention Stephen Rand in New York, New York as well, is also on the list today. Thank you, Stephen. Now, what is going on with this list that has you so excited?

The second to last name you just read, Mark Hutchison. This was not by design. The person who sent the Max Hedrum fanfic that we've been talking about for three days now. I guess I've talked about it so much on the show Eventually he had to end up as a daily donor On the day he did it But this is a complete coincidence That I am

holding his art in my hands right now and he's a daily donor i just think i'm blown away by that i see or we don't have that many listeners anymore we don't have that many listeners and again i've really flooded the zone on this topic so eventually it probably had to happen but that is astounding to me mark this is your show i mean and the other five donors and you

don't believe in a mark hey thank you to all of our donors all of our making tbtl possible we You absolutely could not do this without your support. So thank you. Hello and welcome to Top Story. All right, there's this quite adorable video that's going around the Internet of Julia Louis-Dreyfus filming something on Sesame Street. And I'm just going to describe what it is that you're hearing because it kind of – it goes by kind of fast and also you're not able to see the visuals. So it could be a little bit confusing. She is sitting on set, and obviously they're doing a little skit where Julia Louis-Dreyfus' character is going to get too excited and then get shushed by Elmo and, like, I don't know Elmo's friend's name, but another little Sesame Street character. And so what happens is they're not filming at first, so it's Julia Louis-Dreyfus kind of running through it with the characters, with Elmo and the other one. And then she goes to lean over a fence and yell something And then she gets shushed by the Muppets And then she's supposed to say, or I should say Sesame Street characters And then she's supposed to say something about Oscar the Grouch But she misspeaks and she says, the grump So then she stops herself and she says, shit And then Elmo and the other one are laughing because she said a bad word So this is going around the internet with Julia Louis-Dreyfus swears in front of Elmo But there's something else, Andrew. I'm going to play the tape, and I'm curious if the thing that strikes me as odd about this jumps out to you as well. Take a listen.

Even louder. And then you're going to shush me, right? Yeah, we're going to shush you, yeah. All right. In five, four, three, two. So that's it. Shh. The grump needs shit. Sorry. He said a bear worth $5.

You're going to be a rich Muppet at the end of this day. First of all, that is a great, God damn, she's so quick. Yeah, yeah. So quick. But is there anything else about this that strikes you as slightly odd?

No, I mean, I watched it coincidentally because, like you said, it's bouncing around the internet. So I watched this earlier today. I didn't know it was going to end up on the show. And then I just heard it again for the second time as you played that. And I watched along. It was remarkably synced up. I know that's not of interest to you or the listeners, but you hit play on that. And this is just looping in front of me because it's like, you know, like, what is it? It's like 20 seconds or something. It's just looping in front of me. And when you hit play, it synced up almost perfectly. And, you know, that's like the DVD screensaver went right into the corner. Exactly. Or you've been talking about some Max Hedrum fan fiction for an entire show. And the person who wrote it in it. No. But anyway, so that was really pleasant for me. And then. But no, I'm still watching. I don't see or hear what. I mean, her joke at the end is funny. Going to be a rich Muppet.

they are yes very funny yeah um i actually have wondered about that are they i mean i know they're all made by originally by like jim henson studios right yeah same oh they're not they're not

technically called muppets right um no i oh well they're not the muppets but no i think they are technically muppets oh is it the fact that these that everybody stays in character because that was noted yes oh okay yeah yeah no that is definitely notable that's something that struck me that when they're there the muppets talk as muppets and like they act out yes yeah that's

interesting like they're in they're not filming and elmo's in character i mean i guess maybe it would be more disorienting for it to be like okay you're gonna you're gonna i'm gonna shush you and then you're gonna do the thing okay here we go i'm elmo like if the guy was cycling between the voices or whoever the person was but i also just think it would be a bit i don't know if uncanny is the word to be on set and there's so much downtime so much time you're not filming are all of these people staying in character is that a rule at Sesame Street is it just to kind of try to preserve the imaginary universe of this place is it just that one character the person who does Elmo likes to stay are they like the Daniel Day Lewis of Sesame Street they like show up at the set talking like Elmo the second they get off the subway or whatever I just thought that was really strange

that the puppets stay in character i found it interesting and notable but i thought it made sense to me because i think first of all it must be much well first of all i have a feeling that probably the puppeteers there is something about their art and it being in the moment and not it's probably harder to kind of break and break right now shift between yeah and you're also the people who are doing the voices are also doing the puppeteering and so like you just must have to kind of inhabit it or leave it in the cabinet as the tape we play right um so that makes sense to me also now julie louise dreyfus is you know a trained actor and an experienced actor but you know i think they also probably have guests on who maybe aren't quite as comfortable in front of the camera or are in front of you know maybe they have notable figures on who aren't actual actors you know what i mean maybe athletes maybe even yeah certain politicians back in the day or something and so it's probably much easier if you're interacting with the people that are around you while rolling i don't assume that she goes up to the craft services table and elmo's like leave some for me like i have a feeling that's probably not what's going on they're not the best Elmo honestly you'll know what I'm doing my Elmo but um you know it makes a lot of sense to me it was better than your Brad Pitt what's in the box what's in the box can someone get us Elmo

saying what's in the box I just did I got it that's the next layer of this joke for us um no I think you make a good point I just when I first watched it I was I was confused I was trying to figure out when they were filming and when they weren't and then and then it occurred to me oh she's talking to them and they're not rolling yet and the elmo elmo is coaching her through what is about to

happen in full elmo mode right yeah i mean the thing is i mean they are i mean i know that i mean they're they are rolling they're just in between takes and so that's probably part of it as well you know what i mean like when you're rolling you're just like you're you're in it and you're doing it and also and who knows there might be something about the bloopers too like i don't know if they ever package up bloopers and have fun with them i don't know where this came from I don't think this is probably probably somebody swearing is not something that Sesame Street would have officially released. But, you know, that might be also part of it as well. Just capture the magic. Just Gordon just going off.

Just having a total Bill O'Reilly. Just can't work under these circumstances. Maria just losing her shit. Yeah. Those I have to tell you, those adults on Sesame Street were a big deal to me in my childhood. I've told this story many times, but I did not go to school really until second grade, kind of went to like a preschool thing. I didn't go to first grade and then I went to second grade. But then they put me in first grade because I hadn't been to second grade. So then I was in first grade for like a few weeks and then they were like, this is a little bit easy for him. We're going to move him back up to the grade he should have been in. But I basically learned how to read from Sesame Street.

Interesting.

Yeah, I learned how to read from Sesame Street and from asking my parents what things spelled when I would see them on signs because I didn't go to school where they teach you about that. My sisters, a few of them, my sister Liz and Sarah never went to school until I think fourth grade. We had a very – my parents had an extremely lax policy on education growing up, which was, yeah, maybe they'll go, maybe they won't, which has really forever kind of shaped my view of the whole endeavor. And I don't say this with any disrespect to teachers who we have many teachers that listen to the show. And I think teachers are incredible in doing such a service and are so undervalued and underpaid in our society. So with that all being said, I think parents also – it seems to me that we've moved into an era where the freaking out about what school your kid is going to go to has reached a fever pitch. I mean, I know people that are in New York. I was just talking to some folks last time I was out there who are like getting their kid into pre Montessori school so that then they can go to the right Montessori school so they can go to the right kindergarten, you know, like and I'm just kind of thinking most of the people in my in my family, well, except for Sam and Dave, they had a more traditional education. But most of the kids in my family only lightly attended school for much of our life, and everyone's fine. That's kind of what I fall back on. Now I know it's different for different folks, and different kids have different needs, et cetera. But I think I have a hard time – like, if I were to have another young child, I don't think – now, I can't say for certain because I'm not in that position, but I don't think I would be freaking out about if they were going to the absolute best school in the district because I learned how to read from Sesame Street.

Did it just occur to me Or have we already had this conversation That your brother's names are Sam and Dave Like the duo I know like the soul singers right

That's a coincidence though right Your mom wasn't It is and my parents are not I mean I'm sure they enjoy the music of Sam and Dave You know the other thing that's interesting is Sam and Dave are both really good singers

Oh they are

And we will do like a family karaoke night Yeah they both have lovely voices And I think and Sam even My brother Sam even does a version of I Wish It Would Rain Is that a Sam and Dave classic? Is that or is that like the...

I'm trying to think, or maybe that's not Smokey Robinson. I forget who does it. But, yeah, that is, I believe, a coincidence. And it's Samuel and David. My parents are very big on the biblical names. You've got a Luke, an Elizabeth, a Sarah, a Hannah, a Rachel, a Samuel, and a David. Yeah. No Rebeccas. Could have been a Rebecca. That could have been the next kid. No Rebeccas. Probably. I mean, and then eventually they would just run out of names from the Bible. And that's when you know it's time to stop.

Oh, someone hasn't read Genesis lately. There are a lot of names.

Ham, Beget, Japheth, Japheth, Beget, Herobum. I don't think Herobum is a name, but it could be.

You sort of slipped into a referent Lovejoy there at the end of that. I really did.

I don't know where that's coming from. I'm a little loopy today. I apologize. No, it's good. It's good. But yeah, let me just tell you real quick, and then we'll maybe get on to the Blur's days, a kind of a story that I thought was interesting. i saw in the washington post about the mustard shortage in france now of course france is a i think per capita they consume more mustard than any other country they love it and if you think about if you've ever had french food which i don't know if you have andrew um because of your dietary stuff but like mustard is a big part of it it's often in the sauces it goes with everything But France, interestingly enough, does not actually grow most of the mustard. It is a huge importer of mustard from Canada. And so Canada having last year all these scorching temperatures. By the way, I saw a piece by Annabelle Timsit writing, I think, from France about this. France's mustard shortage fuels drama and panic in grocery stores. Like, they're out of mustard in France. and people are freaking out because it is a big part of the of the national diet it goes with everything there and in fact uh this woman showed up on tiktok who she certainly sounds american if she is french she speaks the most unaccented english you've ever heard but she was telling the story of what happened at her local grocery store uh where uh you know there was a situation

with the mustard take a listen to this your favorite guy egg dealer came today and he brought

all these new eggs lovely lovely she has some eggs with her this is unrelated to the story for the record hold on sorry i started playing stacy again you have a crush on stacy this is getting awkward i i have to play it cool that's why you are getting in your head about the confrontation that's exactly right oh i'm gonna be i'm gonna be very honest with you stacy i knew when you called I had memorized the number. I was very excited about it.

Here, our favorite guy egg dealer came today, and he brought all these new eggs. Lovely, lovely. But he also told me a little bit town drama. Would you guys love to hear, like, the gossip, the tea of this little French village? Anyways, long story short, there were two mustard jars left at the supermarket, okay? Now, this is, like, a big deal. There's a mustard shortage. No one has been able to get their hands on mustard. and apparently there's this one guy who went in with all this groceries and it's one mustard per person if you can find mustard this guy went in to get his groceries there were two mustards he put one mustard in his basket did the checkout put everything in his car and then someone saw him go back into the store take the second jar of mustard so the last jar of mustard check out with different person so that you've technically got two mustards the audacity the audacity everyone's very upset with him they caught him on camera it's the drama it's the drama this week so that is what

is going down in france by the way i would 100 do that because as we've already learned see rental car non-return of the call i'm a selfish bastard and if i saw if i saw a chance to secure mustard for me and my family for generations to come, I owe it to my family to do that. Right, I mean, who wouldn't? I'm going to let them starve. I'm going to not let them have mustard. I mean, I have to do it.

All right, listen, I'm going to ask you a question here that I don't know if you know the answer to, so my apologies for putting you on the spot. I haven't read this story. I haven't read into it. But the thing that I find interesting here, and maybe this is very much an American perspective, is that we're just talking about mustard, just like capital M, mustard. But, like, what kind of mustard are we talking about? I mean, I didn't realize France had such a connection to mustard, so maybe this is an obvious question. Maybe there's a certain style. I mean, is it all Dijon? Because that's a French word. I know my way around.

It's not, but that comes up in the article, Andrew.

So what is the mustard that everybody's clamoring for? It's not like yellow mustard.

What's in the mustard? Okay, Elmo.

What's in the mustard? That sounded like...

That sounded like...

Like Marge Simpson, homie, what's in the mustard? Oh, wow.

Do we have to do a Friday show or can we just call it good for the week? Can we just call it good for the year? Maybe this is the last show ever. I don't know. It did not describe – in the piece that I read, it did not describe anything particularly unique about this French mustard, like a specific flavor or something like that. It seems to be just kind of standard mustard, but, again, French people really like mustard as their favorite condiment. They like it with sort of everything. And the thing about the Dijon mustard is the majority of the mustard seeds that are grown in France are Dijon mustard seeds, but they're in a specific region because it's like champagne. What's the name? I forget the term for that. like um there's a you know for for food that is uh in more or less trademarked i guess like it has to be from a certain region of the world to have the official name so the other people can't sell their version of it so they don't have that much they don't have mustard enough mustard seeds to go around uh france and because in canada they're running low because all of the crop died because of the heat uh the french are now talking about this is basically food insecurity for them like they need to i was interviewing this farmer for a tv story um maybe a year ago and he was trying to make the argument because it's a farmer of course that if we really want to make america secure we need to be growing all of our food here because food insecurity is a national threat actually if we're getting all our food from somewhere else then what are we going to do if we can't get it from there which again might might be a legitimate argument might also you know be related to what he does for a living but they are seeing it as an issue of condiment security now in france they are now endeavoring to but it's going to take a couple of years to greatly increase the number of mustard seeds that they grow in france so this never happens to them

again that's interesting and is this is all is this tied up in the post-pandemic world of supply

chain shortages and what have you it's i mean i don't think the supply chain is helping according in this article but the real issue is just that there is like a mustard seed shortage because the place that they grow the majority of the mustard seeds are grown it's impossible for me speaking of biblical things it's impossible for me to talk about a mustard seed without wanting to quote the i think it was jesus said if you have faith the size of a mustard seed oh i didn't know that's enough or whatever he said i like i'd never even the first time i'd ever heard the term mustard seed was biblical oh for me so when i'm talking about mustard seeds i'm immediately time traveling back to um gospel outreach christian fellowship sunday school but anyway uh it sounds like in um yeah in france it's going to be a while before they have enough mustard to go around so i guess the the takeaway is if you see a choco taco or mustard grab yeah don't even ask just grab it and

run right out of the store you know i actually pay for it i only put mustard on my choco tacos It's like if you put ketchup on your Choco Taco, you're a baby. Yeah, exactly. You'll get yelled at in Chicago if you put ketchup on your Choco Taco. Tweet that.

There's a right way to rock and a wrong way to roll. You can just listen to your soul. Just remember that life is number one. You can be having so much fun. Just remember that life is this fun. All right, let's blurs.

We have an abbreviated blurs day today, by the way. I don't know if you mentioned this yet during the show, Luke, but I'll tear back the curtain here just for a second and mention that we are recording this late on a Wednesday instead of a proper Thursday. I think we're able to keep that buttoned up up until this point, but I wanted to say if you're sending in your blurs day on Thursday morning, unfortunately we'll have to get to that next week. One other thing to say, and I'll mention that just means you get to celebrate your Blur's Day for an extra six days. So you're welcome. Exactly. This is the service we provide. Next thing is a little bit, I mean, not to make a big deal of it, but it's a little bit sensitive. But I've been trying to think about how to kind of say this because this happens from time to time. And coincidentally, this week I've got a couple of things where people were using the Blur's Day to kind of celebrate big milestones in their life or relationships or anniversaries. that are important, and it's so hard to say, like, hey, sorry, this doesn't fit the parameters. It seems like such an unfun way to approach Blur's days, but I need to kind of keep this just birthday focused, because

And also we don't do pets either, because while we have a short Blurs Day this week, I do want to make sure that, first of all, we don't undermine the dazzling donor messages, which are really important. And also just like I want to keep it. I just want to keep it to birthdays, like specifically people being born on this day. So those of you who wrote in this week, and there were a few people who wrote in with non-Blurs Day Blurs Days, and you're not going to hear yourself here. I sincerely apologize. I hope I'm not being too much of an unfun, Nick. But I wanted to let you know that I did see your notes, and congratulations to y'all.

You know, it's like the people at the National Day calendar told me, Andrew. They said, we can't start proclaiming specific dog breeds, like National, you know, Lapsa-Opso Day or whatever, because then all of the other dog breed folks, everyone on one day, so they just have a National Dog Day. That makes sense. But that surprises me Some guardrails Well then I called them out on their I called them out on that too Because then they said They were talking about Pizza day And then they said So we have pizza day We also have deep dish pizza day And I said well now you're just naming dogs Yeah right Because it's the exact same problem There's thin crust, deep dish You name it There's many different varieties of pizza So if you're going to have that rule about dogs You should have it for pizza as well

And also like I was thinking Are you telling me there's not a national golden retriever day And there is it's February 3rd Now that's the thing anybody can say it's a national day

Is it recognized by the national day calendar Of Mandan North Dakota

Andrew that I don't know But I will also say that I typed in national poodle day And there is no national poodle day And I was starting to type in Black lab but then I got distracted By talking but um so yeah I understand that

What I'm saying is we live in a world that has to have some rules, and one of those rules is Andrew has to be unfun. That is absolutely right.

I build these unfun walls, and you need unfun men like me. Who is going to sit on them? Okay. You? I've never even seen that movie. I'm, like, trying to do a parody based on parodies, and I only have to remember. Here we go. Mike says, happy – oh, Mike in the family. Mike, by the way, official, unofficial TBTL accountant.

Guess what? Guess what? Guess what? What, what, what? I ran into Mike and his lovely wife in Portland, Oregon. Really? Becca and I were on a walk. Becca and I were just out on a walk in the neighborhood. And somebody said, hey, Luke. And I looked over, and it was Mike and his wife. And they were down there visiting. because I hope it's not too TMI, but they are going to be relocating to the Portland area. And so they were down visiting, but I ran into this very Mike. Do the kids know this yet? You didn't see Langley or Puddle. I took a selfie with Mike to send to the kids, so I'm guessing at this point they're aware. But do they know that they're moving

or just that their parents were taking a trip to Portland? Because what if you just in Langley Grace's Blurs Day message, There's a chance that you just ruined her Blur's day.

Okay, Langley and Puddles. When a mommy and daddy love each other very much. This is where I just go into explaining the birds and the bees to kids. I explain life, death, everything in between. This is the part of the show where I just completely and totally, like, disabuse all childhood wonder from all the lives of the children who are listening to this episode.

I want to riff on that, but I don't trust myself. I will say something that I shouldn't say, so I will leave that alone.

But, you know, I mean, Andrew, you raise a legitimate question. I don't know if maybe, you know, maybe the kids don't know yet because they're just waiting for the right moment, you know, because that involves a certain amount of life change. It can be hard on children, et cetera. So this might be how they're finding out. Happy birthday. Do you want me to bleep all of this and just start? Okay, so she's got to learn sometime. Mike says. She's living in Portland for four years and has no idea that's where she lives. It's the best that she hears it from you.

Happy 9th Blur's Day to Langley Grace, says Mike Langley. I'm sure Langley would love to hear which each of your favorite Pokemon is. Hers is a Cinderace. Okay, yeah. Now I'm out of Pokemon references. Just Pokemon go to the polls, okay? Langley is a great kid who is loved by all, but especially by her mom, dad, her little sister, Puddle, not puddles, puddle, and her dog, Winston, not Winston's, and literally every other dog on the planet. I believe it. Happy birthday, Langley. grace cute laura from saint pete formerly of toledo happy blurs day to my friend molly i hope you had a blast on your trip to the pacific northwest i'll miss running into you at random events around toledo have a great day also molly this will serve as my announcement i'm moving to portland everybody's learning yeah so laura's moving that someone's moving

on today's episode of the blurs do you see how the toledo reference paid off there because Laura, you know, I was, you know, I copy and paste these things And originally I just had Laura from St. Pete And I scratched the part where she wrote formerly of Toledo But then later on, in the very short message You understand why the Toledo part of that is necessary Because we learn that Laura misses seeing Molly around Toledo So I wanted to just point out the narrative

I'm going to start saying Holy Toledo again That's a good one Holy Toledo

That's a really good one Can you give that to Rick Riz? Holy Toledo Like, we got to put away the, I mean, the salami and rye bread thing. I understand it started as a tribute, but like. Oh, stop.

What are you, climbing into the coffin with Niehaus?

Happy Blurzy, Langley Grace.

This is also how they're finding out Dave Niehaus passed away.

Wait, is it your turn? Oh, no, it's my turn. Gail says a very happy Blurzy. Aren't you glad my mic wasn't muted? A very happy Blur's Day to Jeremy in Brooklyn. I can't believe it's almost been 25 years since we first met, and when we skipped a day of freshman orientation to go on an epic adventure walking around all of downtown Chicago, that's how you do it. That is part of the college experience is skipping out on orientation. I hope you have an amazing Blur's Day, and let's meet up soon, says Gail. Happy Blur's Day, Jeremy. Nice. Happy Blur's, Jeremy. Yeah. So happy birthday to everybody. Happy anniversaries all around. Congrats all around.

And apologies for any news that I broke during that segment that I wasn't supposed to break.

Exactly. Sorry about that.

Also, Jeremy's pregnant. All right. But the baby is moving to Portland. That's right. All right. Thanks, everyone. We're going to have to wrap it up because I have to go, Andrew, and go see the Frymobile now. I've got to go see a man about a Frymobile.

Right, right, right. You mentioned this on yesterday's show. It's the Hardee's. Not Hardee's.

It's Rally's. Rally's. And Checkers, which is the same company. I don't know why. It's one of those things where they like to call it one thing in some places and another thing somewhere else. And head over there. And we'll be doing the show for Friday's episode from Portland, Oregon, future home of Langley and Puddle. So please join us for that. Until then, have a great Thursday. Take care of yourselves. Try to stay cool and stay safe. Go Mariners, and please remember, no mountain too tall. And good luck to all.

Hi, my name's Langley. I've been on TPPL before, and I'm going to tell you a joke. Where do the cows go for fun? To the movies. What do you call a frozen rabbit? A hopsicle. Goodbye, TVTL. Power out.