Muse

Beer me! What's that? Hand me that water. I always say beer me. Gets a laugh like a quarter of the time. Check out this sunshine, man. Global warming, right? Today was supposed to be really cold, I bet. What about music? Do you have any music? Yeah, I should have said so.

Ready to do do do do Give me the beat boys And free my soul I wanna get lost in your rock and roll And drift away I was thinking more like a CD or a CD.

Your call, dude.

TBTL. This is coming from a place of jam. And that place, I don't have a map for it. So sometimes when I turn on the camera, we don't go there. But I'm going to try to go there today.

I'm really just observing, so just pretend I'm not here. That's certainly what I'll be doing.

All you have to do is study it out. Just study it out, and you'll see. You haven't done your homework, buddy.

Wow, that was very hard to hear.

So many negative words. But it's not on TV. That's the Internet thing, okay? All right, hello, good morning, and welcome, everyone, to a Thursday edition of TBTL, the show that just might be too beautiful to live.

Somehow, heartbreak feels good in a place like this.

My name is Luke Burbank. I'm your host.

Is it too early, good fish, Sammy?

Coming to you from the Hollywood Broadcast Center right here in Portland, Oregon, where it's just absolutely gorgeous.

Oh, ma, pa, it's just beautiful.

Yesterday was kind of weirdly cloudy, and I spent it standing on a hillside at my house pulling out tansy which is a rag wart oh you're gonna love the lift and tweedle out of this and i've learned that that is something you should wear long sleeves for because i didn't and uh got really scratched up and i'm having some kind of rag wart i mean i'm covered in warts normally, but these rag warts are new. I'm not loving it. I am loving the fact that we've arrived at episode 3747 in a collector series. Let the fun begin. But we have to look back at episode 3746 really at the beginning of the show because I made an error yesterday. I made a mistake. I made a huge mistake. And I'd like to correct the record. Note, I'm not saying I'm sorry. I apologize for nothing. But I do need to correct the record on what I got wrong yesterday Loud wrong, as they say over on the Lebitard Show. We also need to take a moment to appreciate the majesty that is Corn Kid.

When I tried it with butter, everything changed.

That is, when I tried it with butter, everything changed. This will be the segment of the show where I play you this audio of this kid who's taking the internet by storm and then translate everything he's saying because he has the most adorable kid way of saying corn and other such things that probably will need a wee bit of translation. So we will do that. Oh, and yesterday I made a stop at the Home Depot and I found out it's my lucky day. It's your lucky day. So we'll talk about that. Speaking of adorable kids and adorable adults, today's Thursday, a.k.a. the Blur's Day.

My birthday today.

We'll celebrate the Blur's Days as well. And we'll talk to this guy, the longest-running co-bro of the show, maybe best known for his depictions of the tall ships. He's making a solemn pledge on today's program. I won't trash talk. I won't be out there blowhard. Now, having anxiety about his trash, he has never promised that that won't be happening. He's Andrew Walsh, and he's joining me right now. Good morning, my friend.

Good morning, Luke. I'll be honest with you, I had not heard of Tansy until you started mentioning it in the intro. I hadn't either, by the way, until I got a voicemail from my neighbor. And I've been doing some, like, for real, because I think I stumbled on something accidentally here, and I want to make sure that I got this right, and I've been doing some cross-referencing. And no joke, I think And maybe you already know this You've probably already gotten here But it's commonly known As Stinking Willie What? Look it up Because I can't pronounce The scientific name of Tansy Something like Jacobe Vulgaris Or something I believe that was a first round draft picture

Of the Arizona Cardinals this year as well I think Mel Kiper has him rated way too high I don't know man, they're going to be good God, you put him and Kyler Murray together and you've got a team.

But I think it looks like, unless it's a different kind of ragwort, which I'm new to all of this. When I say new, I don't mean like this year. I mean new as in this minute. Like I'm about 45 seconds into my research. But I'm pretty sure that what you.

have on your hands is something called stinking willy well the internet is supporting your theory and i by the way yeah jacobe vulgaris let me let me let me go back and say can you believe how he did little finger on game of thrones i know from house vulgaris i know that was god that was no

spoilers no spoilers absolutely brutal gruesome i mean so what i what i learned is that this tansy

regwort aka stinking willy is very very toxic for livestock but it also happens to be the case that livestock love it they think it's very delicious it's their version of a some kind of a salad bar and so it's also very very i guess i don't think the word contagious applies to plants but if you got some of it growing and you don't deal with it then it it sort of propagates really quickly And my neighbor up at this house that I'm working on, who is extremely good about keeping his landscaping and his yard and the wild lands and the less wild lands of his property in really good shape, like this is a big area of emphasis for this guy, was not loving the fact that I had this tansy growing, this stinking willy growing, that he was a bit worried he was going to then kind of head over to his property. I didn't even know what it was Becca had to explain it to me over the weekend As we were driving around in like the Willamette Valley

She knew she was familiar or she was

Looking it up She knew she's very smart I don't know if I've mentioned this On the show but and just knows A lot of things which is Strange for me to be in a relationship With someone who's kind of Go to If you will or like the I feel like sometimes the value that I add in conversation or in hanging out is that I have a lot of weird trivial details in my brain she also has a lot of weird trivial details we bonded early in our relationship over watching Jeopardy together and I would say it was pretty much a draw and so also her mother lives on kind of a large piece of property and they regularly have to battle Tansy so she knew exactly I was calling it something else I was like I think it's called Tansite I got this message from my neighbor and he wants me to get rid of my Tansite she goes do you mean tansy it's like maybe tansite is a rock i believe that it's yeah i've also got a lot

of that up there but it's worth a lot so that's good um this is serious business though this is serious business i mean your neighbor no joke so i have some questions for you but yeah look the name stinking willie didn't give you an indication and this is serious business be a nickname for the browns i think um besides it's not is again besides it's not did you hear they're starting that jerk in the preseason game anyway uh besides this noxious weed listing this plant also so it's on the noxious weed list right well it's called stinking the plant is also on the state um prohibited plants list the quarantine list is prohibited to transport buy sell offer for sale or distribute plants or plant parts um in the state of washington uh it goes on from there

you can't sell the seed. I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything

as a career. Like you are holding on to some illegal substances here. You had to pull it out, of course, because cutting it down won't kill it. How hard was it to get the roots out? It kind of depended on the

particular clump or cluster. Some of them, so if it was just one stalk, that was easy, but sometimes it'd be like the same root system had kind of created a few different offshoots And then it was about just figuring out Which one was the weak link But are they like big deep roots That like go deep Thankfully it was not Like impossible To pull these things out by their root system But sometimes I go up to And again I'm also standing on a kind of steep hill I'm surrounded by blackberries I'm in a t-shirt Which wasn't smart I was in my Carhartt coveralls that I wear When I'm out there doing manly stuff um and uh but i'm standing on kind of a steep hill i'm you know like waist deep in this kind of tall grass with all kinds of blackberries and things around and i found out later andrew because i was chatting with my neighbor and he was i was asking what kind of wildlife is around and he goes well let me just send you some um stills from my wildlife cams bruh cougars bears a bobcat like i like i was like was i even safe when i was down there trying to pull that tansy

but so anyway i would think about your think about your little kitten almost getting away too

oh i thought about that yeah a lot in fact i when i got those photos this morning i texted them to becca and i said i don't think we're gonna be letting bubbles roam here for a while no or probably never although there are there are cats that live in the neighborhood that live outside of That's it.

their homes but they're a they're enormous and b they've probably spent their whole life outside and they're up in the kind of like residential area they're not like but the first thing bubbles did the one time i let her stand in the yard was immediately made a beeline for where the cougars are yeah anyway uh to answer your question in an even longer and more boring fashion i would approach these things and i'd pull on one of them and if it wouldn't come out i would just get a different one and then for some reason there'd always be one that basically was the snitch there would always be one that turned state's evidence and then it would just kind of pull out and then it would bring the whole root system of all of the like two or three stocks with it so um and it wasn't fortunately there wasn't as much of it as i was worried there was going to be i mean it was a solid you know six hours of work but it wasn't like something where i needed to hire a crew or where you know sometimes those projects you might have even felt like this a little bit when you were trimming your hedge those kinds of things where you're just working and working and sweating and exerting and then you take a step back and it's like you've made what seems like fairly minimal progress those are the toughest kind of projects this didn't really have that sense to it it was i could kind of you know i'd go to an area i'd get it all out i would drag it up to this staging area where i was piling it up and then i would kind of go back up do another survey so it was actually fairly satisfying work yeah same with the hedges um very I'm in I'm

actually I don't know if I feel like getting into this but I'm kind of at a weird point with those but I did most of my hedges around our house and I gotta say that was really hard work but it was very satisfying it was I actually didn't get that feeling that you're describing I get that more with weeding especially as I'm older and more out of shape like weeding I'm just like crunched over i'm kneeling on this pillow and it's like and it's like then i go to get up and i'm like oh area

and you're just pulling every little yeah tiny thing and it's like each one is so it's like such an inefficient process because you have to just like with tweezers pull every bit of green that's trying to grow up between your beauty bark and then i get and then i stand up and i'm like oh i'm

i literally have the body of a hundred and two year old like actually i shouldn't even say that my grandma's a hundred she's probably in better shape than me like it's just like suddenly you're just like oh you get up and just like your whole body just groans from from being from kneeling on the ground for 15 or 30 minutes um but anyway yeah luckily luckily the hedges were again tough and physically kind of physically um tough to do but very satisfying i took a million before and after photos like this is what it looks like before and this is what it looks like after i guess we understand what before and after photos are um and because it was so satisfying to see that thing get a haircut the problem is did i already say this i've been talking about my hedges too much and i can't remember what i've told you but um actually did we talk about this on the show yesterday no i was talking to my dad on the phone i think i uh had to you know reach as far as i could uh on the ladder with my little hedge trimmers to get to the middle of one side of the hedges then take my ladder around to the other side and then i could just meet the place where i you know so i was just able to do it but the hedges in the backyard i've measured them first of all they're much taller there's something like 15 10 feet tall or something it kind of depends on what angle you approach them at but they're 15 feet wide luke even me with the thing like i can't get

15 feet across so my plan for this weekend we need two ladders andrew i've got this we need two ladders and then i'm gonna stand on one side and i'm gonna trim the hedge and i'm gonna throw the hedge trimmer across the hedge at you to spin it really more you gotta spin it slash at then i need you to catch it and then throw it back to me but it's got to kind of spin like a top so it's kind

of getting as much as possible yeah you've never done this but you got to miss the um electrical cord that has it plugged in otherwise you're going to cut that in half but uh obviously what i'm what my plan for this weekend it was a big plan but now i have a friend coming into town so it looks like it's probably not going to happen until next weekend but i need to rent a pole trim your friend called the texas rangers i wish wait i don't at first i thought you meant that was going to be somebody who could help me with my hedge is that that does actually sound like oh you're talking about the baseball team oh yeah i didn't know that that's the next series but um no i need to rent something called a pole trimmer which is basically like a hedge trimmer on a really long pole but um the one that i need to rent is only gas powered which means i need to go buy a gas can for myself and am i going to be the guy who owns a gas can but doesn't have any you know tools that take gas just because i want to join the other people in your neighborhood

Andrew walking with a gas can you join the other people in your neighborhood that's like a famous kind of look for folks when they're out maybe doing some panhandling oh really like oh you haven't seen that no wow but that seems like that's to me that's like real sketch behavior that you see something well I don't I mean it's I'm not even trying to be you know I'm not trying to punch down at all but it's just I'm just shocked you've never had the experience of pulling into an narco part parking lot or just any park at Home Depot for that matter and someone walking up to you with an empty gas can in one hand and a story about how they ran out of gas like that's that's one of the most common like panhandling moves ever that's never this never entered your orbit no

one time when I was in Pittsburgh um with my friend there was some guy with a gas story that I didn't buy but my friend was too kind-hearted to just keep walking and so he kind of got embroiled in this thing and the whole time was like I'm watching this slow motion crash I'm like dude the car is like it was just one of those things where the ask got bigger and bigger and bigger until my friend gave him like 10 or 20 bucks and just like walked away but like um i remember i remember kind of that being kind of embroiled in that but no actually in our neighborhood like for all the sketch and i see some i see some sketch my friend i see some sketch but i haven't

seen that particular one i was just imagining you like walking back from like the gas station you you legitimately bought a gas can because you're doing yard work but you're sort of blending in with a larger tableau of people that are a bit, let's just say, trying to keep their head above water. Right, right, right. What if I did this?

What if I bought a brand new gas can at Lowe's or Home Depot but I fill it with Gatorade and I just walk down Aurora every now and then just taking a big chug from it.

Oh, like Zoolander. Just get into a gas fight but it's Gatorade?

That would really be something.

I wonder how long it would take the Seattle police I mean, they're usually – my guess is on Aurora Avenue. There's a fairly robust presence as is. But I wonder if you, walking down Aurora, drinking Gatorade out of a gas can, how long it would take for some sort of police or other interventionist service to pull up and go, are you okay?

And really do that thing after I take a chug like they do in the movies when somebody takes a shot for the first time, right? Like they're really exaggerated, like, oh, god, that kicks. yeah anyway um so i guess i'm not doing that this weekend but i do have an issue which is i couldn't help myself with even though i knew i wouldn't be able to get much with my small trimmers and small ladder i just wanted to see what it'd be like to cut off the top of part of my back hedge so right now i just have one chunk just one chunk of about i don't know six feet by six feet or something that uh is like nice and clean the rest is just like you know just just terrible out there but i'm just trying to put it out of my head like it's been a couple of weeks now it can go one more week and then i'm gonna get that pole trimmer and i'm gonna i'm gonna give everything a haircut and then i don't know i'm really i've been enjoying this project generally speaking but i'm in this weird um i'm all locked up about what to do because like genevieve bought me because there's multiple steps and it's just like well it's like genevieve in kind of a fit of like we need a better hedge trimmer bought a battery powered one online and i didn't do a lot of research on i'm like yeah that sounds great let's get it and now i realize the one that she bought a is not going to help with the back with the back hedges at all so i'm wondering do we just return that and buy our own pole trimmer um also the battery apparently you know it's only 20 volt and people are like no no you should have gotten a 40 volt for those beasts and so i don't know like there's all i can't explain it other than i think i don't know if there's any truth in the story or universal truth it's like one of those things where i'm facing this task which is not that big of a deal but there's all these little parts of it like well do we return the one thing or not return the one thing and get another thing do I rent it do I rent it and then have to buy a gas can even though I have no intention of ever buying anything that really needs gas but like I just have all these pieces that I feel like I'm locked up on this thing and I don't know what to do about

it well as I said yesterday at the end of the show Andrew the Andrew that's going to solve those problems will be spontaneously born into existence when he is needed to actually solve those problems and he will sing by the way that's that's my hero andrew he comes out singing he needs to solve the problems though right now so could you give birth to him real quick yes yes you gotta figure out what the first step is hey i'm so glad though that you're bringing up this i'm here to help i'm glad you're bringing up this i'm gonna play the music louder i'm glad you're bringing up all this home improving and home depoting because i had a breakthrough yesterday in terms of how i think of the store the home depot and i have mistakenly thought of it as a place you go to buy things which it's kind of medium on but as a place you go to return things it rules it absolutely rules when it comes to returning stuff buy at lowe's return at home depot maybe or i don't have someone else buy it for you at home depot and And you just take I don't know how to get rid of the buying it from Home Depot part of the process. But, of course, I a few weeks ago regaled everyone with this long and winding story about this electric powered riding lumber. Which, by the way, I used yesterday, Andrew, and I'm just telling you, it remains probably the happiest feeling that I have outside of thinking about maybe my daughter or Becca or my friends and family. Other than, like, a few things, I don't think I can feel better than when I am sitting on that lawnmower listening to the Mariners. Yes, you're listening to Carlos Santana hit a completely unexpected two-run home run to put us back in the lead as I am zipping around on my electric riding mower.

Do you have a water bottle out there? Do you have a beverage with you? I mean, I don't mean a booze.

Like, I guess a can holder. You could put anything. I didn't have a beer in there. It was still pretty early. But you could put a beer in there for a Saturday. you put a water bottle it's pretty set up it's pretty great actually and considering that it was not a cheap product um and that i'd never had one of those before and that maybe it was overkill i am very glad that it is not overkill and it is totally the other thing is you can just turn off the um blades and you can move it up to like where the blades are so far pulled up that you're not going to hit anything yeah and then it's just like a go-kart yeah i a town is very far away from where i live but i swear to you if town was like half a mile i would start driving there on this ryobi lawnmower i've just never had any i never had a go-kart growing up i've never had anything like this that's just like a i've never had a golf cart either what it feels like is a golf cart because it's electric oh yeah that's right it's totally quiet when you're not mowing and even when you're mowing it's not loud but even but if you're not mowing it's exactly like driving a golf cart which i just love i can't wait until i can live in a community where we exclusively use golf carts to get around gee i wonder if there are any communities like that oh yes there are and we will end up in them yes but all i was going to say is i had a whole thing with taking back a component of this lawnmower and i was kind of worried about it because i just didn't know what the scene was going to be and it was just absolutely super easy and smooth well i also purchased a weed whipper Andrew a whipper eater a whipper snipper that's what I was trying to call it that's also electric made by the same company and I had been charging it for a while and yesterday I was ready to get out and do some weed whacking with it and it was the strangest thing I would pull the trigger on it it would start to spin it would spin for three seconds and then it would stop and then I would like give it a second try it again spin for three seconds and it would stop and it's this kind of it has this long shaft that you snap together when you first buy it and so it's got this between the battery and the trigger and then going down to where the spinning mechanism is there's like a long almost like a drive shaft from a car right so like a long bolt that then fits into another bolt and that's what's rotating that's what's spinning inside the piping of this thing so that you get this effect of the weed whacker spinning right does that make sense yeah and what was strange was I had this thing taken apart and when I would pull the trigger I would look at the the top half of it that thing would spin indefinitely so when I would pull the trigger that thing would just spin and spin and spin and spin like you want it to but then when I would snap it all back together the actual mechanism would only spin for three seconds and then stop so there was some kind of issue in the as in the drivetrain of this thing and I was like I don't I went online I couldn't find no one else had had this problem i was like screw this i'm taking it back so i go to this home depot and it's very

empty and i go up to the customer service desk and the guy's like what can i help you with and i was like i got this uh weed i'm i'm always in the mode of being like i'm gonna really need to explain this right like because also i didn't really have the receipt with me because i bought it a long time ago i wasn't sure if i still if i had the card i bought it with if i bought it on my debit card or my credit card camaro kev still has my credit card because i left it at the rickshaw so i was like i don't know i was like worried that he was going to go do you have the receipt and i was going to go no and he's like do you have the card it was purchased on i was going to go uh maybe on that one and then he was just going to be like are you going to buy drugs with this what are you doing did you steal this weed whacker from someone's yard so i see you drinking from a gas can in the parking lot what was with it did you steal this from the guy drinking out of his gas

can can i interrupt for one second because i'm distracted by something and i don't know if this is giving away too much personal information but you're going to see kamarokev this weekend right Have you guys communicated about this card? Because I just opened up my text thing. I was going to say, I could text him right now. Like, we need to get this card back in your hands.

I appreciate that. He's bringing it to the hang.

Okay, good.

Okay. So, yes, I will be getting it from him, but I appreciate you. I'll stay out of it then. Like I told you, it's been an extremely effective way to cut my credit card debt. Sure, yeah. Not having my credit card. Yeah, I believe it. It's been really helpful. Or that credit card, I should say. I think I have a few others, but I don't. Anyway, point is, I am getting it back this weekend, but thank you for checking in. And I mean that legitimately. But so I'm just getting my story together as I'm carrying. Oh, so I've got the box. It's got all the components in it. This is like right back to what we were talking about the other day. I've got this assembled weed whacker that's like sticking out of the box because now it's put together. It's too large for the box. Yeah. And I'm bringing it in. And it's like so dead in this Home Depot that all of the associates are like standing in front of their register or standing in front of the paint department. Clearly, there's some training at this store that's like, if you're not busy, stand in the aisle or close to the aisle where it is that you are working, and you greet every customer that comes in, which turns into like a certain kind of gauntlet where you're like. It does, but it's so much nicer than the Home Depot by me, though. I'm telling you, dude. This sounds like a Lowe's. Wait a minute. Home Depot is the blue one, right? i know this place i have to say i had very good experiences going to this place uh thankfully and it is in a small town in southern washington so i think that kind of maybe there's just less um it's just not as busy all the time there just literally isn't as much population and so people are not as overwhelmed or i don't know point is i walk up to the guy he's like what can i help you with and i was like i've got this okay i bought this from you but then i also by the way bought this at a vancouver location i even bought it from this store but i was like getting my spiel together he goes do you want to just get a new one and i was like yes i do so he get he he just literally there's a dude standing in the aisle we'll just call him jake and he goes hey jake can you go get him another ryobi 40 volt and jake's like okay and he goes jake works in gardening so i don't have to go get it the guy goes and gets it but then i hear the radio and he goes jake is over now where the weed whackers are and he says we're out of that one and the guy goes just bring back the brushless then jake's like okay and so he brings the other one of the guys goes i'll just sell this to you i'll just give this to you for the price of the other one so now i'm getting a more expensive weed whacker but it turns out andrew they're out of the brushless one so they had to go up two notches oh so it's not only the nicer model of what i bought but it's two It's two levels nicer The one I bought was $161 The one they gave me was $270 Whoa Holy shit Straight across the board He was like yeah it's fine And he was like But then he's on the phone With his manager He's like I'm trying to give this guy This weed whacker Because we're out of these other ones But I don't have the authorization The manager like comes over And just like Takes his badge And like points it at the like Laser reader on the you know thing And they're like okay And then they just give me this Give me $100 of free weed whacking And I walk out of there

Now you've got to return that for cash. No, you can't do that. Then buy a gas can. They don't let you do that, by the way, yeah, because when we were having our Home Depot issues, we were trying to return something, and, like, we couldn't get cash. We had to – well, maybe that's because we were using a gift card. Anyway, we can leave that alone. But, yeah, that's quite the scam. That's pretty sweet. I just looked up the – I've been hearing with all this old man or I guess maybe middle-aged man yard talk lately and just, you know, living it in my life. Like this – I've been running up against this idea of brushless. I didn't really know what it meant I still don't know what it means I just looked it up I guess when something is a brushless motor It means like in your drill or your whipper snipper Or whatever you're using Oh and you know what My lawnmower must be brushless too Because I can feel it doing this It will adjust its torque based on What it's up against It can kind of tell like oh I'm getting more Tension so I will Add more power here Whereas a brushed motor apparently Just always uses the same force no matter what

because the brushes i assume are you know when that's the term right for the motor i think i think it's something well and the basically it uses magnets right how do they work i don't know i just read one sentence yeah i think the brush is in a magnet my dad helped me build a magnet for my for a science fair when i was in like grade school and i think the brush is something that's wrapped in copper and then when it's when there are certain magnetic forces brought to bear now maybe in a combustion like a gas combustion this doesn't work the same but if it's electric right i don't think there are brushes in a gas combustion engine but in an electric electric engine you basically have these these things that are wrapped in copper that are magnetically the opposite so they want to be away from each other so they start spinning and that's how you generate force and whatever but i wonder they must wear down or something there must be a reason why not having them is like considered the more cadillac option now tell me how the tides work

I've never been entirely clear on that either. Don't eat the pods, first of all.

Okay, don't eat the pods. Don't eat the stinking willy. Nope. Because there are no brushes rubbing against anything, no energy is lost due to friction. That means brushless motors are more energy efficient than brushed drills and can run on batteries for up to 50% longer. So more efficient is, I guess, what...

Then I wonder if that thing I just said, which I just Googled on the fly, I knew nothing about it. So I just read... that one sentence i wonder if that's accurate or if i was maybe misreading the internet there all i'm saying is i think what's happened is the folks at home depot have no incentive to mess with you on a return like they're they're just like they're in the trenches all day long they often don't i mean in this case they didn't have the thing that i wanted i just wanted to trade it for one that worked they just didn't even have it because supply chains etc the one thing they can do though is just take anything back like that's they had they don't have the power to materialize these items that are you know lost in the supply chain and so they're probably constantly having to give people bad news plus there's inflation there's so much stuff about working in one of these stores that you don't have control of and where you're probably just kind of like having to deal with people who are grumpy but there's one thing that you have total control of which is being super chill about the return process and in fact this woman came through after me like i was dealing with the guy i was dealing with and somebody else stepped up so i she was she went around me she went to this other register and she had she also had her whole story going about this hose she was returning and her husband and honestly it was a little much i was like lady don't screw this up for yourself but she gets 10 into her spiel and the guy goes no problem and i literally heard her say that's it amazing she just walked away with such a good feeling it's like everybody who was doing a return was like this is awesome like i feel like that's that's what they can control and they are they've all either consciously or unconsciously fallen into the role of being like yeah whatever anything goes at the home depot return section right now i believe your boy coach didn't get the note though the guy who's giving you a hard time a few weeks yeah that was a totally different store and i'm promise you i promise you coach is not giving me the the double upgrade on the brushless no ryobi no i mean coach is confused coaches coach is staring blankly into the computer screen we would be in real trouble if this was if coach

was running this whole show but coach hasn't wasn't it doesn't remember if he's had lunch yet he wants to have lunch then he remembers he ate the lunch that his niece packed him

coach was definitely uh not had not gotten the memo about being but you know who had the actual manager of the store who knocked 200 bucks off the price of that that's true which is what i was thinking about as this guy was also because i was like doesn't home depot corporate have some kind of controls on this shit right yeah shouldn't i mean like hey i don't want to mess this up there was also this moment sorry that i'm just now extending this much further that needs to but so he goes i i'm trying to read the situation because he basically says i'll just give you the i'll just get you the better one for this price because whatever but then when he found out it was like two clicks up now we're not talking about like i'm knocking 20 bucks off of this thing yeah now we're talking about i'm knocking a hundred dollars off of this thing yeah and he's going to call on his manager to because he's telling his manager i'm trying to take this off But there's it's more than I'm allowed to do in the system. And then the manager says something and he says, OK, and he's on the phone. So I don't hear this. He goes, OK. And then he hangs the phone up.

Now he's continuing the process. And I don't know if I'm still getting the deal or not.

He goes, are you good with this? And I said, yes, thinking I'm saying I'm good with getting a free way or an upgrade to a way better tool. But then as he's encountering issues and then he's I got to refund your money. so he gets the one whatever it was 161 181 and he gets it in cash and he gives it to me and he goes okay now that's done now we got to buy the other one and i'm like oh wait am i having to buy the other one i thought i was just gonna get it yeah so and then i'm like i don't i'm not worthy of a 280 whippersnapper like i don't want that there's a reason i bought the cheaper one originally so if if somehow the deal has just become we're just selling you the more expensive one at the real price i'm gonna have to tell this guy no thank you right right right so this is all just like churning in my brain as i'm trying to get what the shot is and what i'm agreeing to but it all

worked out nice nice no i'm glad to hear because i've been really hard on the home depot and i really somebody tweeted out the other day like i i'm sorry i can't remember the details of it but like she tweeted something like when you're an adult two things become real you develop a very strong opinion on lowe's versus home depot and and then the other one was something about like and you worry about the garbage being picked up or something like there was two things I was just like uh-huh that sounds familiar um but I do realize and you said this early on um that it kind of depends on where you are like I don't think there is a global Lowe's v Home Depot answer I think it really depends on individual stores like our Home Depot here is I mean it is beyond parody and then you go across the street to the Lowe's and you know everybody it's more like what you describe everybody's kind of there's a greeter there okay can I help you find anything They have answered that the an answer and a smile in a moment as opposed to just a confused blank stare like.

Like an employee looking around like, how did I end up in a Home Depot wearing this apron? So anyway, I'm glad to know that that happens to be just kind of my local situation.

I think it has to do also with probably the local labor market. My guess is that because this is in a not particularly huge town where there are probably fewer jobs. And so to get a job at the Home Depot that pays a reasonable wage and that has some job security and where you're treated well, presumably. I don't think there's as many things competing for that employee as there is in a place like Seattle or even a place like Portland.

But how could that answer for the vast difference between these two stores that are practically across the street, like maybe one block down from each other?

Well, that does torpedo my theory. I guess I didn't realize that the difference between the Lowe's and the Home Depot, where you are, was that drastic. I thought they were both kind of S-shows.

No, the Lowe's in my neighborhood is great. Like I say, everybody is super. I mean, they're seeking me. Would you say it's where everybody Lowe's your name? Sorry, it took me a lap. Is that a show title? It certainly is. That saves me some work after this show.

How did Lowe's get the free plug when I just had a good experience? Home Depot gave me $100 of free Weed Whacker, and Lowe's is getting on the show title today. I know.

There's no justice in this one. Yeah, no, there's a huge difference between them, and they're right on the same stretch of road. Yeah, that does blow up my theory.

Anyway. All right. Well, that weed whacker is charging away, and I am very excited when I can to get back up there and to just go ham on these stalks that are just growing everywhere. The guy that lived there before me, I was hanging out with my neighbor, the guy who wanted me to get rid of the tansy yesterday, and he was explaining that the guy who lived in the house before me had an excavator, like he owned an excavator. and so the guy said and what do you got if you've got an excavator you're just looking for something to do with it yeah and so this guy had just like terraced because it's on a hill and he just like i could have a wedding at my house like and there'd be enough parking like there is so much like he leveled like a half an acre and then put gravel on it which is fine but like i don't know enough people to fill up all this parking i guess he was going to maybe build a shop out there or something and the problem is if you don't tend to it if you don't spray it with roundup which by the way is highly carcinogenic all that that gravel wants to do is just sprout yeah all kind all manner of weeds imagine like a something roughly the size of a city street that you technically own that's made out of gravel that just has weeds growing up through it and that the the conventional wisdom is spray that with roundup which i'm like hell to the no

yeah yeah so you know i don't know what this is this is a kind of a cliche thing to say but something that's been on my mind a lot lately for a couple of reasons has been how like in i think we've even talked about this on the show this isn't groundbreaking but like i'm just fascinated with the idea with how quickly nature takes over like even here in my little city house like so we have an area of our yard that at one point was like some sort of a gravel driveway um and it's just right now we're just letting it grow out and i kind of mow mow it down and in the springtime it was kind of grass there um but anyway at some point we'll take care of it but for right now we're just sort of letting it it grow out and it's fine i can maintain it um but like yeah at some point that was a driveway and at some point somebody stopped pulling the weeds and then it just became grass sort of you know and then also i'm thinking about it's spider season here and so we've been finding little spiders in our basement that's fine it's normal like whatever um we don't live in some sort of spider infestation but there are spiders around and we take care of them and it just reminds me of like what if i wasn't here to get rid of this spider like how like if veves and i just moved out of this house and nobody touched this house or this property for a month well wouldn't those spiders just start laying eggs all over the place in here like wouldn't this just become spider-man's house like how quickly would this house and this property just be taken over By weeds and spiders I think shockingly fast

Yeah If you see those photos Of like remember Sochi Russia Where they had the Olympics Yeah And they famously In fact I believe That there are A few different Photo sets Covering like places I think this was also The case in Rio But I think Particularly pronounced In Sochi Where basically like They built a bunch of shit Really fast For the Olympics But it was in places Where nobody really Wanted to live And it was in very Slapdash construction And then just after the event nobody went back there and it's just all completely being taken over by nature now like it and now granted time is a flat circle and probably sochi was 20 years ago i think of

that as being like wasn't that last summer or whatever i can tell you i was i think i was covering that as a producer in la from afar um so i'm gonna say 2014 I don't know. OK, but still, that's that's OK. That's nine ish years ago. No, that's not how math works. It's eight years ago, potentially. But which is is not that much time for it to be just like completely go back to nature. I mean, it's really reverting right back to nature. It just takes it. We are, you know, like, yeah, the manicured, heavily manicured lives that we generally live as most humans. I'm just looking out on a street right now. I'm looking at the houses. I'm looking at the mature landscaping. And it's just like, it's all only happening because we're constantly either creating, putting an impervious surface over stuff and trimming it all back constantly. Because if not, I think your house would be gone in one year, Andrew. It would be disappeared.

That's why I always encourage people to tear down Paradise and put up a parking lot because we need parking lots, people. Yes, we do. Absolutely. I'm on the right side of history with that one.

uh if you put a parking lot in i don't know maybe parking lots are those ones will probably take more work but but you know nature will get that as the uh as all the hippie bumper stickers said when i was growing up nature bats last oh i don't know that one you haven't heard that one no it seems pretty true i mean um you know get back to me in a hundred years i think i don't want to see what nature does in the bottom of the ninth yeah yeah on this one man yeah uh all right let's take a quick break and then we come back i do want to um uh correct the record on something i said yesterday that was factually incorrect and we'll try to talk about corn kid plus the blurs days coming up hey let's thank some daily donors these wonderful people are donating to the show it's the way that the show exists because of the generosity of folks like Zach Labby in McFarland, Wisconsin. You thought I was going to say McFarland, Texas, Andrew.

You know what, Luke? You don't know me. I was actually trying to remember if that's, is it Seth McFarland or McFarland? It is. That's what I was wondering. Is it with a D? Seth? I believe it is.

I think that's exactly. I got off one of my The jokes that I'm most proud of But the only people that know about it are Seth McFarland And then I guess maybe the listeners of this show Because I'm sure I've repeated it here many times I also told Carrie about it right afterwards I got hired a long time ago by Microsoft To go to this I think the thing was called the Spirit of Comedy Awards or something It was some kind of big glitzy thing in LA that was honoring Seth MacFarlane. But it was attended by, you know, just about every big name in comedy that you might be able to think of. And I had been hired to stand on the red carpet, which I didn't even realize this, but it was like, because it was raining that day. It wasn't even a carpet. It was like an elevated platform to keep from getting wet. But we, the people that were like, the media, the paparazzi, we were like still standing on a lower level so they were coming on them almost like a catwalk like in a fashion show it was all very bizarre and i was supposed to create content which this oh this might have been for bing actually and you know me andrew like i don't do well in those situations i just thought this will be fun to go to la and go to this thing and they'll pay me a

little bit of money and whatever about what how long this is like since i've been doing the show with you right or is this long before that i don't know if it was long before were you working on the show when we were doing stuff for bing maybe i just caught the very tail end of that maybe not i'm not sure okay but also this might not have even been i can't remember who what what element of microsoft it was for okay whatever okay so it's around probably before i know this is like

early 2010s ish yeah we're definitely not a radio show anymore i know that much oh okay um and so i'm at this thing and i just immediately realized this is totally not my scene like first of all it challenges me and my ego because standing being like uh uh joel mckayle joel mckayle joel mckayle like trying to get a word from somebody who also went to the university of washington like i did it who was like on almost live and i don't think i'm joel mckayle but i don't feel i'm not starstruck by joel mckayle and i'm not like i'm not going to try to elbow somebody from access hollywood so i can get the jewels of wisdom from joel mcgill who by the way i was sort of tangentially friends with when i lived in la because my first ex-wife was very good friends with his wife and i would see them at things socially so to be a supplicant in this situation to be standing there physically lower than everyone walking by and try to act excited that it's like uh you know fill in the blank bill maher oh my god bill maher

Thank you.

Bill Maher, Bill Maher, Bill Maher, Bill Maher, Bill Maher. So I'm not like, in the words of John Tesh, I'm slouching. I'm not doing well. Like this is, I just, my ego is under assault. I don't want, and I've got two producers from Microsoft that are kind of like, I think they're realizing very quickly, like, God damn, we hired the wrong person. This guy is, because they wanted me to be like getting these people to say, I don't know, bada bada bing or something. I don't, whatever the hell. They're poking you with a stick like that, like do something, do something. Please do something And I'm like I'd rather not do something And so Anyway Seth McFarland Is making his way Down the thing And there's a guy Next to me From like I don't even remember The name of the thing But it's one of those It's not even like Entertainment Tonight It's something else That's more like The funny part is So much stuff That's on the internet now Is so much bigger Than what's on broadcast television But this was back when If you were either Doing stuff on exclusively on the internet or if you were doing some little 40 second thing that might play i don't know wherever like this there were so many people there from so many different like weird little slices of what the media is and i can't remember exactly what the one the guy next to you was for but he clearly was trying to generate he needed to generate content for multiple different eventualities so seth mick everyone who came through you'd have them do something but then you have them do it on like a few different ways and i believe what seth mcfarland was promoting or a thing that he was promoting was the either the release the blockbuster release or the dvd release of you know that movie where he's like a teddy bear or something dead yes i mean one of

the very okay that that does put this in time for me if he's there promoting that one of the very very earliest drops I ever pulled for TBTL, which we don't really use anymore, was intro tape of that teddy bear. Is it the Bruce Doyevsky's? Yeah, talking about all the different beer, all the different nicknames for beer. It's like so not really our sense of is this? No, that's a different one. It's funny. When I want to find the guy saying they was trying to say I was drunk, I can't find it. But when I want to find Ted, I can't find that. That's probably for the best, though.

So I actually want to say And Seth MacFarlane's defense, I don't think he was out there trying to promote this. I think this guy, though, if I remember right, it's like Seth MacFarlane, who's the star of the show tonight, gets to this dude and this guy who, by the way, in between the in between the stars coming down the this red carpet thing, the guy next to me, the guy to my right would just kneel and then just have his head in his hands. just like he was like jack he was like jack lemon in glengarry glen ross he was so broken and he would just like sit there just in just seeming to be the most miserable person on earth until you know um i don't know norm mcdonald or somebody walks down the thing and then he's back on and then he's on so he gets seth mcfarlane he's like seth okay now ted is ted is coming out on dvd so can you say i'm seth mcfarland check out ted uh check out ted on dvd and watch reels channel dot biz so so seth mcfarland does it and he goes okay okay okay now pretend it's the day after ted has come out on dvd will you say i'm seth mcfarland and yesterday i uh i whatever like and so he's having seth mcfarland record like okay ted has just come out in china on dvd now can you say he's making him do like three or four versions where like so that he can just you know so he has all this so for a period of three or four days he's got new content that he can drop or he can send to his bosses or whatever right and i'm just watching this happen to poor seth mcfarland who by the way seemed absolutely charming and totally nice and normal and so then he gets to me and i go seth seth seth seth okay i know ted's coming out on dvd i need to get a version from you so that yesterday there was a massive nuclear event there's only about 15 people alive left on earth can i get one of those and he laughed getting the joke and that i thought was a pretty strong spoof by the way i emerged with no usable i was gonna say that's not that's funny

for him in the moment but that doesn't give microsoft or being anything to work with absolutely

They got completely and totally just fleeced by me. And by the way, I believe that I repeated this entire story on the next day's TBTL. So if somebody can go back and find that. I remember repeating this incident and this joke, I believe, on TBTL very shortly after it happened.

That's why I love that this is a little bit long. It's 25 seconds, and I've played it a lot on the show. But this is why I love this scene from the end.

other two where i think did you send this to me did you end up watching that show the other two about the about the famous uh child musician um who has a supportive but encouraging mom and then the other two are his siblings and that's what this is from he's on some sort of red carpet

event oh this is the pizza thing to snack on when you're jamming out to music um i don't know everything's good okay well we're streaming live on bagel bites tv so can you say bagel bites oh yeah bagel bites okay great but can you say it in a sentence like i'm chase dreams and when i'm jamming out to music i love to eat bagel bites i'm chase dreams and when i'm jamming out to music i love to eat bagel bites okay great congrats on whatever it is you do that is

literally exactly the energy that i was observing congrats on whatever it is you do it's so clear that whoever wrote that had been to so many of those events where there's just like this sort of like um you know i don't want to be mean because everyone's just trying to get by and live their life but there's this like weird parasitic slash host relationship where there's the person walking down the thing that we've decided has value and there's all these little like smaller organisms that need to feed off of that thing in order to survive and get them to say i'm chase dreams and when i'm jamming out whatever i like to do with bagel Anyway, I want to say thanks to Zach Labby in Seth McFarland, Wisconsin. Beth Wright is in Seattle, Washington. Boy, do I have some stories about Seattle, Andrew. Thank you, Beth. Anita Darpino is in Lancaster, PA. I do have stories about Lancaster, which I can't get into now because we're already taking too long with this. but it does involve my mom dragging my sister up a long road to literally knock on the door and enter the home of some Pennsylvania Dutch Amish people. Was there a pool involved? No pool in that one, but that was in Lancaster. Thanks, Anita. Patty Hollingsworth is in Auburn, Washington. Thank you, Patty. Mary Holden. Hey! Wait a minute. The Virgin.

Mary the TBTL Virgin Holden. Is in Phoenix, Arizona. Thanks for donating. I wonder if she'll hear this. I don't know if she listens. She's a big fan of the newsletter.

Mary, we love you and we appreciate you. It was great getting to meet her as we were down there with a busted van in a hotel parking lot. What a world. That was quite a day, wasn't it? Ended up at Nora's house doing it by her pool, except that it was so hot that it kept melting the equipment. And Nora wasn't there, but Mary was. That was what was important. Brandon, Volbright is in Vashon, Washington, one of the most beautiful parts of the Northwest, Vashon, Washington. Thanks, Brandon. Thanks to all of our donors of the day. Thanks for making today happen. We wouldn't be here without you. Hello, and welcome to Top Story. All right, I'm going to try to get through this quickly, Andrew. But I did have to pull a lot of tape for it. And also, I just know it's bugging some people. So I want to clarify. Yesterday on the show, remember we were talking about the sort of music. Well, you said there was a lightning and thunderstorm at your house. And I said some real Imagine Dragons stuff. And then we started talking about the music of Imagine Dragons and that kind of like get pumped up sort of rock music that gets used a lot in certain contexts, particularly like pro sports, particularly pro football. And then I just busted out with this This is how legends are made And then you said Is that Fall Out Boy And I said yes That's Fall Out Boy And in fact Andrew I was very wrong on that That was not Fall Out Boy That was a guy A person A singer named Sam Tinez Tines This is the song And I won't play too much of it Because we don't get pulled But um

This is how legends are made

I feel like I'm in a mall

I'm cranking up on the throttle Victory is mine

Oh, Victory is His, by the way, Andrew. I don't know. I thought this was going to be one of those songs where it's like, you don't win them all. No, this is one of the ones where Victory is His. I'll show you the harder the battle

Harder I fight I've come too far to quit step back i'm going in i'm cranking up on the throttle this is how legends are made

i went down a dark dark rabbit hole of this guy's music and website uh let's just say from sam's official website uh sam has some more tricks up his sleeve for 2022 with his upcoming album.

There Goes the Neighborhood. It's a mix of late 90s and early 2000s Weezer meets Nirvana-style rock with a don't-give-a-shit hip-hop attitude.

That sounds like something that you would hear on The Simpsons. That is so hilarious.

The album features legacy artists like Dashboard Confessionals and All-American Rejects, as well as viral sensation Bryce Fox. It's a shocking left turn for Sam that will have you wanting to hear the rest of the album so that guy is not fallout boy and um and how do you know that song you've heard that again on sporting it's big broadcast oh okay but it's now because it got big on tiktok it's now made i mean that song has been streamed i pulled that from youtube i believe that song has been streamed in the millions and millions of times and it's like i was listening to it and of course it was hitting my ear it was it was not a song for me but then i was thinking i i wouldn't play it to get pumped up but i don't hate the song eye of the tiger and fundamentally how is eye of the tiger different than this song you know they're both songs that are like i'm gonna do this i'm gonna overcome the odds i'm gonna be amazing even though people think i'm not etc like i don't know why this version of that message leaves me so cold it just feels so sort of silly to me but if you put on eye of the tiger again i'm not going to go rush out and buy that cd but i'm also not like it doesn't offend me the way this music offends me if you put on eye of the tiger i'm

just going to sing rye or the kaiser the weird l yankovic version i can't separate those two uh it's the thrill of the bite let me please be your catering advisor um yeah i'm not sure i mean part of it is the camp probably although i mean there's nothing as objective when you're talking about just what what you like and what you don't like the sound of but um i do think that i have the tiger is a better song but you know right i don't know that's just me and it's funny when you played that like like i only hear that kind of music when i'm in some sort of public places and it's like it's like on the pa system but too quiet for that style of music you know what i mean like

I know this isn't real for you, but it's like you're at your niece's gymnastics performance, but the person doing the PA system in the gym doesn't really kind of understand how to do the levels kind of thing.

Or it's just like it feels like I'm shopping somewhere when I hear that song, and I don't realize I'm hearing it until later when it's sort of stuck in my head. I'm like, what is that? But it doesn't seem like a grocery store, so I'm not exactly sure what kind of place I'm shopping where I hear that. But that's my only exposure to that kind of music, I feel like.

For me, it would be TikTok or if I'm watching football. Speaking of which, the song that I was thinking of, that I was confusing, conflating with Fall Out Boy is this one, which is equally terrible. It's the same song. Oh, I know this song.

I know this song.

Andrew, name one person in Fall Out Boy. They're saying centuries you're going to remember them. Name one person in Fallout Boy.

Well, there's the boy. They call him the boy or the child. Do they call him the child? Yes. It's Grogu, actually. Oh, shoot.

Now, I will say this. I actually can name somebody in Fallout Boy. There's a guy named Pete Wentz who's in it because he's maybe married to Ashley Simpson or maybe they used to be married. And actually, the name Fallout Boy is named for the Simpsons reference, which I thought was a positive. We probably have listeners who love Fallout Boy. I'm not trying to yuck anyone's yum, but I don't. I just don't understand sitting down and writing a song like this that's like so over the top in terms of its, I don't even know what, the point it's trying to make. Just take another listen to the beginning.

Some legends are told, some turn to dust and to gold.

I promise you, I promise you when aliens come to the carbonized, burned out husk that is planet Earth in centuries, no one will be fucking talking about Fall Out Boy.

I'm going to say, I promise you, when aliens come to the EQC casino this Saturday night, they will be seeing Fall Out Boy.

Can you imagine them just showing up? The aliens get here. There's some kind of, we've learned how to live, you know, we've all learned how to live, or at least what's left of us have learned how to live inside of a Target somewhere in Duluth, Minnesota.

And the aliens come down and they go, what can you tell us about Fall Out Boy?

We are here. Take me to Pete Wentz. For one reason. Now, I also think that at some point you're going to interview Pete Wentz for CBS News. And you're going to come on this show. And you're going to say, you know what? Actually, a really nice guy. I mean, I bet you he is.

First of all, I bet you we have listeners who love the band Fall Out Boy. They were and remain, I think, a pretty popular band. so definitely there we have people who like our show and like that that music i don't even get the sense this is what most of their songs sound like like i think they were kind of like the sense i got was they were sort of pop punk yeah me too i thought i didn't know that they were this kind of well that's i think at some point okay at some point because i remember them this was playing again it's like the other thing is i have a feeling that whatever their record label is It's owned by one of those like mega, you know, octopuses of content that also involves like ESPN such that because that's a lot of the music that gets inserted into televised sports is because the the vertical integration of all these companies and they're all owned by the same company. And that's you. You'll know that's the case because they will put on the screen centuries. fallout boy like it's not like when you're watching a national football broadcast and they're in seattle and they play the obligatory pearl jam or alice in chains as they're going to a break showing someone catching a fish in the market right they don't put alice in chains rooster because they're not trying to sell that song but if you see the name

of the football song i just love that these that these songs like that are about like You can just like the dark side of drug use and PTSD and Vietnam. It's like, you know what? We should throw touchdowns to this.

Here they come to punt the rooster.

Genevieve is always astounded.

Go for it. I'm just saying, we punt the rooster. We're far too conservative when it comes to punting the rooster in this league.

Whenever we're watching a Seahawks game And they start playing a Nirvana song It drives Genevieve up the wall I mean Genevieve likes Nirvana You don't think it's what Kurt Cobain would have wanted She just cannot get her head around the fact I'm just like, can you imagine if Kurt Cobain Were alive for this shit I know, I know it is

And you can really set your watch by I mean, hey, I guess we'll see On Monday Night Football When Mr. Unlimited And the Broncos ride into Seattle And play the Seahawks First game of the season Monday Night Football Very clever programming By the league By the way I will give them that And so And the game is happening In Seattle So we'll just get to Play the game It's like take a shot Every time They show The Space Needle Or Pike Place Market Or play A Seattle Sometimes they'll mess up And they'll play Like Stone Temple Pilots Because it sounds like That's from Seattle But they're really Not a Seattle band Where are they from? I'm guessing LA Might have been Where they were formulated But they're definitely not a Seattle band But they had a sound that was very Part of the kind of grunge Or I don't know what you'd call it exactly Hard rock with a grunge Actually, to be honest with you Do not hate Stone Temple Pilots I know that there were a lot of people that thought Stone Temple Pilots got there a little bit late So it's the purest The people that I knew that were wearing Gas Huffer t-shirts And going to Mudhoney shows They had no time for Stone Temple Pilots It was seen as far too radio friendly San Diego, by the way Ah San Diego But I was I enjoyed their music So you know anyway Let me just play you Korn Kid really quick What I think is interesting Andrew is You will know What do they say You will know them by their deeds Or something You will know us by the feedback we get From the listeners when something pops up into the zeitgeist And what I know about our show is We are apparently the go to place for cute kid tape Still Because so many people Tweeted this at us This kid talking about corn And even sent it to my inbox And we're like have you seen this And I had seen it It's very very cute I can't figure out more information on this kid though

Well this is a series You know that this guy goes around Because there was another one Actually there were two before this that went really viral That everybody was sending to us as well And what's it It's called Recess something or other I don't know. I mean, here's what I'm going to say about this, and I was going to try to hold my take. Like, this is a really cute kid, and I like it. Hold my take. Hold my take. I can't hold my take. Recess therapy is the name of this video series. It's kids say the darndest things, which is fine. Absolutely. Here's my only thing about this. It's like, okay, so this nerdy guy goes around, and he talks to kids and gets them to say funny things, and it's viral content. I don't know why I don't find more joy out of this.

But, like, here's the one thing I will say. A lot of people, and I'm not trying to come down hard on our listeners, but for everybody who does say, like, hey, move over, Josh Ritter. Like, there's a new cute kid. I feel like the thing. Not Josh Ritter. Jake Novak. No, I'm sorry. Scott Ritter. Who's the kid who said apparently the apparently kid? Noah Ritter. Noah Ritter. Sorry, not Josh Ritter. The Noah Ritter kid. Like, people are like, move over, Noah Ritter. You know, there's a new cute kid in town. And I'm like, well, the reason I really like the tape of Noah Ritter at the fair is it wasn't a setup, you know, it wasn't like, hey, let's find this really cute kid and encourage him to say, I'm sure when the news reporter, you know, landed on this kid and got the first good answer and you realize, well, this kid's a real cut up. Like, you know, she was very excited and knew that it would potentially go viral and maybe was trying to get the best out of them. That's her job. But it wasn't a kid on a show that is basically TikTok's version of kids say the darndest things. So I have a reasonable point. Yeah, just a little bit of a little bit of an itch.

But I would also say, why do we have to decide who the cuter kid is? Why don't we let them decide in a knife fight? That's what I say. Exactly.

Why don't we figure out who's the better fighter, not who's cuter?

Exactly. We're asking the wrong questions. So this kid, again, this is not going to work as audio, which raises the question, why did I decide we're going to talk about it? I just mostly needed to have people stop sending it to me because it's very cute and I appreciate it and I've got it. So now if we talk about it on the show, I can mention that. But the thing, too, about this is that this little kid, he says corn in a really kind of cute, funny way. He's missing a tooth. And he, of course, because it's video, they've also added all these little sounds and kind of animations and stuff. So there's some weird sounds that don't make sense, and there's some animated parts that we're going to miss out. But regardless, here is Corn Kid.

For me, I really like corn.

What do you like about corn? I'll also mention he is eating a giant ear of corn, as this is all happening, just in case you want to try to picture it.

For me, I really like corn.

What do you like about corn?

Ever since I was told that corn was real, it tasted good.

Did you think corn wasn't real?

But when I tried a bit better, everything changed. I love corn. Mmm, corn.

Do you think everyone should be eating corn?

No, not everyone has to like it to be.

I think that's a decent answer, by the way. Because a lot of other kids in that moment are just trying to, like, there's a person with a camera and a person with a microphone, and you're trying to just give the answer you think they want. And that's very much leading the kid to say, yeah, everyone should have to have corn. And he's like, people can like what they like. Exactly.

Going back to the Fall Out Boy conversation. Like, not everybody has to like it.

Right. The best. Yeah. Everyone just has to try it. Have a break.

What else are your favorite things?

I play a variety of games.

That was, I play a variety of games. I love it.

Hide and seek, tag, never lava monster.

Never lava monster. he plays hide and seek tag but never lava monster which you know that was a big did you play hot

lava as a kid i assume that's like his way of saying hot lava right like yeah we had a little hallway downstairs right outside of our um right outside of our family room and the hallway was some sort of linoleum i think because the family room was obviously carpeted is that obvious no probably not but the family room was carpeted but then we had this linoleum um hallway that led back to a back office and uh the downstairs bathroom where we had a plaque that said no job is done until the paperwork is complete um and it had a little kid on the toilet um anyway in that hallway we had a rug like a big rectangular rug uh you know to kind of soften up the the hallway a little bit and so that was my raft that that was that was my raft of on the lava seas exactly

that's what i'm looking for totally yeah we would our move was the floor was lava and then it would be climb around on every try to make your way around the room never stepping down onto the carpet which actually probably wasn't a bad idea anyway because we had this rental and the carpet was very gross carpet had been there before we moved in it was not a good scene carpet that carpet might have literally been lava i'm also encouraged to hear that kids remain irrationally afraid of lava even in 2022 irrationally i think you should be afraid of lava i don't think so at all i think it poses a very low risk to oh to the average child's life and i mean i used to do this joke when i did stand up but it was like i really like as a kid figured the chances of me dying from hot lava were easily 70 30 like it's just weird that that's the thing we've identified as kids as the thing you're like trying to not step on and be afraid of and it's like what kid has ever

even seen lava in real life unless they went to Hawaii with their parents well that's why I always like to tell children the younger the better I will say you are so more likely to die in a car crash than by falling in lava and I just like to get that message out to the kids directly I don't like to play car crash I don't like to soft pedal it at all one quick thing I think a listener sent this into me kind of as a random thought and wanted us to address it on the show or a video or something i can't remember who sent this but somebody did bring up a good point the other day and just wanted me to address the fact that like quicksand is not as big in the culture these days as it was when we were growing up like quicksand and lava were like the coke and pepsi of childhood fear and like quicksand was in so many movies there were so many people are always getting like they're always hanging on to vines trying to like stay out of the quicksand or you know keep the quicksand from sucking them under but like i don't think quicksand is in movies as much

these days so whoever wrote that's a really good point quicksand needs to change their pr firm they need to get back you know kind of in the public consciousness who's working with lava yeah yeah and well have we played that bit that andy does andy haynes does that great stand-up bit about cauliflower um oh that's right yeah yeah yeah he ended up cauliflower had resigned itself to just being crudite, and then it gets a call from its agent and it says, you just booked pizza, and rice is heavily interested. Do you want to hear it? Actually, I do have it here. Yeah, why not? It's better to hear Andy doing it than me repurposing it.

And also, just picture Andy. He's about six years old here, and he's holding an ear of corn.

Are you guys taking a second to appreciate what a wild ride it's been for cauliflower these last two years? cauliflower's having a moment you guys cauliflower thought it was done it thought it was it had accepted who it was it was like i'm crudite and that's fine and then one day his agent called and was like you're not gonna believe this you booked pizza you booked pizza my man I got tortillas on the other line And rice is heavily interested That's such a good bit At first when you said that I was like

How does Andy Haynes I couldn't get the connection Now I got it Anyway, have we heard more from Corn Kid?

It's more of the same We'll just let this run out because it's cute

Yeah, mostly cone I mean, then look at this then I can't imagine a more beautiful thing It's cone

It's corn

Because corn is awesome

Can you describe corn to someone who's never tasted it before

A big lump With knobs It has the juice

By the way that's also not bad If somebody said hey Andrew describe corn To someone who's never had it Like A big lump with knobs A big lump with knobs is pretty good I think it's pretty descriptive

Yeah I'm wondering if I could avoid Using the typewriter analogy because, again, there are more and more people who do not know what a typewriter is. This kid, he doesn't know what a typewriter is. That's not going to help.

You know what I did the other day? I made some corn. I can't even say it like him. I made some corn here because Becca and I had gone to a farmer's market over the weekend and bought heirloom tomatoes. I mean, listen, I'm a little late to the party on Saturday and Sunday markets being fun, but, wow, that was so funny. You just get all this really good stuff and then you got ingredients and so i had this like corn like you know from the farmer's market and i grilled it up on the grill here on i have the world's tiniest crappiest barbecue but apparently it was sufficient to grill the corn up but then i realized i don't enjoy the experience of getting butter all over my face when i eat cone and i could just cut this off like you know they do for the kids when they're missing both of their front teeth i could just cut this all off and then mix it up with some butter and lime juice and maybe a little you know um uh like cheese like uh what's i know you wouldn't like this but like a creme fraiche or something like that um and just eat it like that and i did that and while watching the mariners of course and it was so good and i was like i might be done eating corn on the cob can i lay one more as opposed to cutting it off and putting it in a bowl because i'm getting the same enjoyment of the flavor and the food but with less and like less stuff going in my teeth all crazy yeah no i'm i that that

makes sense i mean i don't think i'll be done with corn on the cob until my teeth tell me i'm done with corn on the cob but um here's the thing that shocked me you know i grew up just like this kid like enjoying corn on the cob with butter and salt and even pepper i think at a pretty young age actually what i do now is i like a butter and instead of salt or pepper i put on

like cayenne uh not cayenne but um the cajun seasoning salt you know the red salt i'm not cayenne sorry um but anyway um honestly though and i think i've said this before and i think i learned this when i had my little 4-h garden as a kid and i just grew you know a couple of ears of corn and then i'm standing in the garden i just wanted to eat it there and i ate it i think my grandma encouraged me to try it she's like you don't need to cook it like you can just eat corn like right off the cob like and it is so sweet like often now first of all i i if somebody's really good at grilling corn that's good but i actually prefer my corn steamed i'm not a big fan of grilled corn is it's quite as much um all the way the way you described it kind of cutting it off the cob afterwards and putting some lime on it sounds amazing but um you know a nice uh steamed cob of corn and usually what i'll do is i'll maybe make three let's say these and i are grilling i don't know why i'm going into conspiratorial voice but let's say these and i are grilling i make three ears of corn we have our dinner we each eat an ear of corn maybe i wrap that other one up in saran wrap put it in the refrigerator the next day over the sink cold no salt no pepper no butter wow it's wonderful it is a taste explosion you corn is so good even without Now I'm just turning into the kid. Even without the butter, it's great. Corn kid senior.

The part I love makes me like the cone.

How much do you think corn should cost?

Mandala. I hope you very have a cone-tastic day.

A cone-tastic day?

What? It's just a pun about cone.

That, I mean, come on. That is pretty. I'm with you, Andrew. I mean, this is a much more sort of curated moment than Noah Ritter. But the kid saying, it's just a pun about Cole.

No, no. I mean, these kids are absolutely cute. I'm not huge into the style of production and everything. And so I don't know why I would come into this conversation so negatively. But every time this guy releases a new video, we get kind of waves of it. Like, you got to see this guy. And maybe it's just jealousy. Maybe it's about the impressions. Maybe it's about the impact this guy's having on the world. I don't know what it is. But for some reason, I'm not a huge fan of the video series. I don't know why. I'm just a jerk. I'm glad Jen isn't here today. Because Jen, not that she's often here, but when she is here, I don't like to be the person who really goes negative on things that are just goddamn adorable. And I don't know why I would stake that out as my territory. But here we are, Unlikable Andrew.

Ha ha ha ha.

Let's do some Blur's Days here. Yeah. We got this note. A very happiest of Blur's Days to Biago in Duluth. Who loves you, baby? From his best brother-in-law, Justice, in Thunder Bay. Is there a more intimidating name of a city than Thunder Bay? Maybe Lightning Cove? That sounds like a Hardy Boys book.

Hey, look at this. Matt in Denver says, happy Blur's Day to Rachel in Denver. Hey. We've had eight amazing years together. I saw Matt, if this is the Matt I'm thinking of, at the memorial for Mike, for Zell, and it was really good. I mean, we might have multiple Matts in Denver. I don't know. But this Matt says, we've had eight amazing years together, and I'm excited for 80 more. You inspire me. You understand me. You love me for who I am. We are two souls meant to share life together. Happiest birthday to my love slash best friend

Whoa Good luck to the rest of you How are you going to follow that? How about this? It's a love poem Oh look at this Do you want to read this one since it's a family message? Sure

David from Where's He From? The basement Okay we have something for that My brother David Burbank says happy blurs day to maddie i cannot believe sorry about that apparently something called ostriches and chirping by elliot smith oh it's because it's from a basement on a hill oh that's the song that's the album from a basement on a hill oh such a good record i'm sorry david but you'll appreciate this as a music fan god from a basement on a hill would recommend that elliot smith record but it it went next because i was looking for the david from the basement sound effect david says Happy birthday.

Thursday to Maddie. This is our niece, Maddie. I cannot believe you're already 16. Not many things can make me feel old, but you turning 16 is certainly doing the trick. I'm so proud to call myself your uncle. I hope that your sweet 16 was a blast and you enjoy tearing up the streets of Grapeview in your Prius. And by the way, Andrew, we do have some breaking news on that topic. When you hear me saying that, you know I'm looking for the breaking news sound effect. TVTL breaking news. There's been all kinds of stuff going on in Hawk Squad during the show. Hannah saying, Maddie made her first big solo drive with Marion to mom and dad's today. So that means Maddie was driving from her house up to, it's probably maybe 45 minutes, an hour away to my mom and dad's house. Oh, wow.

That is a big drive.

Hannah says, thank God for iPhone Locator. I was able to track them the entire way. And then Maddie says, yeah, but no one is allowed to see my parking job in the gravel. and then my dad included a photograph of Maddie's Prius parked slightly askew at my parents' house.

Did they stop at a card room on the way? I want to take a closer look at those GPS coordinates.

Once they turn 18, they'll be at the All-Star Lanes, the bowling alley there in Silverdale, which does have a card room upstairs. Nice. Oh, that sounds ideal. Every Thanksgiving, there'll be like a certain point. We're having fun and we're doing charades and stuff, But, like, certainly back in the days when more adult beverages were consumed at our family events, we don't do that as much now, but a man's, a young man's thoughts would turn to all star lanes and always try to summon up a posse to go down there.

Oh, that sounds so great. Eric says, I want to wish my darling, dearest Emma, a happy Blur's Day. Babe, I sifted through hours of old TBTL To find the time Luke played the Scottish woman Belting out, running up that road for you And I would do it again Because nothing is too anal retentive for my girl Do you have that tape? Is it running up the road or running up that hill?

It's running up that hill But, um It's somewhere, let's see here It's this young Scottish woman Who I follow on TikTok But I don't know if I can find it on the fly Maybe you can't find it on the fly.

That's okay. It's really hard. I wasn't sure if you had the tape isolated. It's really hard to re-find things on TikTok if it just went by.

Yes, it's a particularly bad medium, I guess, for that.

I guess that's part of the appeal, huh? It's kind of like it's ephemeral. It's kind of ephemeral.

It's exactly what we're looking for. Okay, hold on. I got this. I got it, Andrew. You got it. You know why? Because I texted it to my friend Elena Passarello. I don't care what's new in Chrome. What?

Oh, yeah. Chrome does have a bunch of new features. It's weird.

Unfortunately, what it's doing is when I try to open TikTok, it wants to do it in Chrome, but I don't have the newest Chrome. Here we go.

If I only could, I'd make a deal with God, and I'd get empty swore by places. I've been running up that road. I've been running up that hill. I've been running up that building.

I mean. Worth it. It's impossible to not laugh when you hear this person singing that. I love that tape.

I just don't love the fact that the guy with glasses was interviewing her and trying to coax her to say really cute things. Exactly. Kept asking her what she likes about corn.

Maggie says, Happy Blur's Day to my son Ben, who turned 19 this week. I'm so proud of you. You've persevered through struggles and disappointments. You're becoming an amazing photographer. And best of all, you're kind and loving Really what Maggie wrote is You're a kind and loving young man Glad to have a couple of more weeks with you Before you head back to college Now that is the mark of a very good and healthy relationship Because I can tell you that the times Addie stayed with me For the summer between college was great And I was ready for her to go back to college With the best of them So the fact that Maggie is not ready for Ben to head back means, boy, y'all two, two peas in a pod.

You know, I will say sometimes I edit these things a little bit for time and tone. The original message said, you're a tough-headed young man, and I can't wait for you to go back to college. It was a weirdly harsh thing to say, so I tried to soften it up a little bit.

That was really, I think, smart of you, actually.

And nobody will ever know, yeah, because I wouldn't want to turn this nice Blur's Day segment into something insulting towards somebody. Yeah, no, you wouldn't. Taylor says, I'd like to wish a very happy Blur's Day to my 11, Mike, who will no doubt hear this since he's been co-listening with me for years. I like that phrase, co-listening. You're the best partner and best dad to our five, McKenna. Love you. That's to Mike from Taylor. and

We'll be wrapping things up with Abony, who says, my wonderful son, Adrian, is turning eight. With a summer birthday, he doesn't get a, what's that? More like 8-trian. Oh, wow. That's good. That's strong. Worth interrupting. 100%. My wonderful son, Adrian, is turning eight. With a summer birthday, he doesn't get a classroom party like some kids, but he's the only kid we know who gets a Cobra shout out each year. Yeah. Who needs all those cupcakes and classmates celebrating with you, Adrian? You got these two middle-aged dudes. Misconstruing Blur's Day messages. Saying happy Blur's Day to you. This year, he did countless chores and, quote, daddy work. I don't know if I want to know what that is. He made the honor roll and still had the time to delight us daily with jokes and karaoke. Hey, Adrian, by the way, feel free. Don't let, um, uh, what's her name? Who did we start the show with yesterday?

Who did we start the show with yesterday?

The little cute kid leaving the – who does the jokes?

Oh, Langley. I'm sorry, Langley.

Don't let Langley steal all of the glory when it comes to kid jokes on the show, Adrian. If you've got jokes in karaoke, don't hide your light under a bushel, bro.

206-414-TBTL.

That's the phone number. Adrian, send it in, please. We could use it. Happy Blur's Day, Adrian. Hope you have a fun one. Happy Blurs to everybody. Happy Blurs to all of our folks out there. I guess that's going to do it, Andrew. Hey, this is going to be fun. I will be at your house tomorrow. Yeah, and I think we're going to go. I'll be at your house tonight at about 1130, standing in the hedge, just kind of watching.

There's plenty of places to hide in that hedge. Feel free to sleep in the hedges if you want. We are going to find out once again. Oh, yes. What's in the box on tomorrow's show, and you'll be here in person, so we can open some more packages.

And I've got some tape for you, Andrew. I finally watched, and by finally I mean I waited an entire day to watch the first installment of Hard Knocks. Oh, okay, yeah. And let me just tell you. Dan Campbell does not disappoint. I've got some tape for you, my friend. He's in the show.

I've got some tape for you. Great, I can't wait to hear it. Actually, that's great because I don't think I have the patience to sit through. There's so much TV that I want to watch that I'm not watching, especially during baseball season, especially with my rumpus room so like i i'm not i know i'm not going to be sitting through um hard knocks but if you just bring me the best parts that's that's all i need oh yeah i will happily

uh sort of serve as your cliff's notes of this season of hard knocks detroit lions that's great pick out the best bits so we'll do all that tomorrow thanks again for listening everyone thanks for being part of tbtl uh we will see you tomorrow with more imaginary radio until then have a great thursday stay safe take care of yourselves and please remember no mountain too tall. And good luck to all.

Hey, Johnny, how about a beer? A couple of Charles Bukowski's. A couple of Bruce Doyevsky's. Maybe a Mike Brugoslowski. Perhaps a Teddy Brewski. That's a good one. Power out.