Muse

If you make a mistake, it's all right, you can fix it. And you don't need to worry, because we can fix our mistakes. And like my dad made a mistake with the coffee maker, and we were able to fix it. And sometimes when you write, you can fix it. And it's all right when you make a mistake. You can fix it easily.

TBTL! Kids and Fantasy. Are you ready to hear a really terrible podcast? All right, strap yourself in. Here we go. Hey, you gonna finish that freaking croissant? In this business of show, you have to have the heart of an angel and the hide of an elephant.

I would just like to start by saying that I don't even care how this turns out because I'm just going to eat hot dogs. And so that's all I really care about.

Stop talking, get off the phone, and let's do this. Let's do this immediately. Let's go. all right hello good morning and welcome everyone to a wednesday edition of tbtl the show that just might be too beautiful to live i like turtles my name is luke burbank i am your

host what's not cool about a guy saying it's mr worldwide coming to you from the hollywood

broadcast center right here in portland oregon where my goodness gracious oh ma pa it's just It's beautiful. You know how there is often that one day when spring finally springs, has sprung, has become sprungin. Anyway, we're having that day right now here in Portland, Oregon. It is warm. It is sunny. It is beautiful. And my California got sunshine. My heart needed it. My friends, it is really a nice Wednesday here in the state of Oregon. I was going to say here in the something state. I don't actually know what the state of Oregon's, you know. Do you know, bubs? I don't know what the state of Oregon's nickname is, handle, whatnot. I know this, my friends. I know this to be true. It is episode 3,901 in a collector series.

Let the fun begin.

I got it so, so wrong yesterday, and I apologize to you and to all the people who care about numbers out there in the world. Today, though, we're going to talk about a guy who is suing Buffalo Wild Wings over them calling their boneless wings, boneless wings.

These are the best Cajun chicken niblets I've ever had.

We're going to get into that. We're going to get into emails and emails, and we're going to talk to this guy. The longest-running Cobra of the show may be best known for his depictions of the tall ships. He's my love, he's my lifestyle, and he's not a phase. He's Andrew Walsh. He's joining me right now. Good morning, my friend.

Good morning, Luke. I guess this is a little bit of an announcement.

Wait, did you go out and have an experience between when we ended the show yesterday and this very moment?

No, this is about something Genevieve did, but we got the results back from Bingo the Cat's DNA test. Wait, what? Yeah, this is not exactly great. Turns out, as you might have guessed, I am not his real father. So that's something to talk about. That's going to get you off a couple of hooks. Yeah, that's true, too. I guess I should look at, you know, my feelings were hurt at first, but actually maybe it does sort of, like you say, get me off the hook a little bit. Yeah, Genevieve wanted to get, I'm not even joking, Genevieve wanted to do a DNA test on Bingo the cat, who's about, what, six months old now? Seven, eight? I don't go in for these things very much. We have a friend who sent in the DNA test for her cat or, like, sent in, like, a sample and to see what the cat's makeup is. And I told her it's going to say he's a cat. And I was right It basically said that that cat was like You know what's weird? 90% of the year

If I had a dog again I would 100% do that It seems weird to me to do it with a cat

Yeah, I don't I mean, I wouldn't really do it for either Probably But dogs, I don't know I feel like we do I mean, I always figure if I had a dog It would be some sort of a mutt And I wouldn't really care what it is If I just liked the way it looked and acted, I guess But I guess, yeah Maybe I'd be Thank you.

Slightly more interested, but generally speaking, yeah, DNA test for a cat. But this is interesting. So, yeah, 56% American domestic cat. Less than I thought. I thought it was just going to be, like, cat. 13% LaPerm, which I've never heard of before.

What does American domestic cat mean? That's like saying if you had a dog, it's 56% American dog.

No, I think it's like saying it's 56% Irish setter, but American domestic cat is a signatory. Oh, I see. American domestic is a species of cat? It's a species. According to this, it's 56% American domestic. Well, that's what I was starting to say before. We had a friend who did this first, and I said, it's just going to come back saying your cat's a cat. And it did. It was like 90% something American domestic cat. I'm like, see? I might be wrong on those numbers a little bit. 13% LaPerm, which I've never heard of before, but apparently might give us some indicator why Bingo's tail is so huge. Like, our cat is more tail than cat at this point. Did you notice that when you were over here?

I did. I didn't want to talk about it in front of Bingo, but it definitely jumped out at me.

It's weird. It's a really weird-looking tail. He's a weird-looking cat.

It is slightly disproportionate. Yeah.

Yeah, I think. He's 9% rag doll Living in a movie And 4% Luke Munchkin 4% By proxy Munchkin by proxy I don't know what that means And then there is some 13% Siamese and Oriental short hair Apparently 4% Scottish fold 1% Persian 1% Persian Luke We're breaking down the 1%

of my cat's dna wow i wonder if i should do that for bubs don't we know isn't bubs gonna be like

a hundred percent that cat and a hundred percent um or not and then i'm getting a refund from those

people out in gresham oregon i bought her from yeah that's right yeah she is i actually i haven't done any dna testing on her but i have done a sufficient amount of googling on what a like how many generations like a typical bangle that you might have living in your home like I do how many generations from when it was living in the jungle does it typically go before it's like living in my apartment in Portland and it's shockingly short it's like two generations like her great grand cat we wouldn't call it great grand cat that'd be called like your great grand human her great granddad that also feels a little too human uh her great whatever yes that's right oh you know what the oregon liquor control board was siphoning off bottles of old pappy bubbles they shouldn't have been having yeah like seriously two generations ago supposedly some like you know jungle cat was roaming indonesia and then they made it hump a tabby and now And now here we are Well I feel like you're romanticizing that a little bit too much It's really about It's just about the How would you describe that Yes it's about the story of it all You know we had a big breakthrough yesterday Here at the house involving this This recently humped tabby Protégé Which is I was able to open the door to the balcony Here in the apartment And she didn't jump off

Now tell me why this is an update Had you never opened it with her around before or you'd opened it and she got too close for comfort before?

I had done three versions of it. I had opened it and let her out there but was super worried. I had opened it with her on the leash and was less worried but she didn't like it. And then I had not opened it, which I guess is not a very interesting door number three.

When you were worried, were you just worried or was Bubbles giving you concern or like reasons for worry, I should say?

It's hard to know if my concerns were well-founded or not. What she was doing as a kitten that I didn't like was she seemed like she wanted to jump from the balcony to the windowsill of my apartment, which is very narrow. And I thought if she doesn't sort of land it, she's going to fall off and fall 50 feet to cement. She stopped doing that yesterday when she was out. She actually was – she went out, looked around, sort of poked her head out, and then looked at me like, is this cool? And I was like, I mean, live your life. And then she came back in. It was a big thing because as we've talked about on the show, her number twos are extremely foul-smelling. And sometimes it's nice to –

be able to ventilate the apartment and particularly at becca's house it's really nice to ventilate it and becca also has a balcony and she never opens the door because we're both super worried that bubbles is gonna take a leap so the idea that she can be outside and not you know fall or jump and hurt herself is it's a game changer for this coming summer yeah that is a game changer i um

used to be of the belief that sometimes cats will give you a a scare if they're up high somewhere But you can trust them and you can trust nature and they know what their limits are. When we moved into our old apartment, which was kind of like technically, I guess we're on the second and third floors of a building. There were some areas where the cats could walk on the windowsills and there were no screens. And Genevieve wasn't worried about it. And I was always worried about it because I was just like, yeah, but just one little misstep, especially as Theo was getting older, you know, like maybe doesn't have all this faculties. But everything ended up being fine. I think I was just kind of being nervous. this new cat bingo man i cannot trust him at all i don't know if it's because he's cross-eyed oh yeah that's not brought up in the genetics thing either why he's so damn cross-eyed that's probably just inbreeding he's five percent peter falk yes um and he is the clumsiest goddamn cat i was doing something near a counter in the basement to the other day you know like a counter that's i don't know a torso high to me or whatever like near a sink and i didn't even know bingo was looking to jump up and join me up on the counter but all of a sudden he comes from my feet scrambling up like a leap that is unsuccessful and he scrambles on the marble countertop for a second and then just falls back to the floor on his ass and looks up at me like no you're not going to help me out with that he always assumes that a human is going to be there to help him out with everything I think I told you off air the other day he was soft woke kid he was he was lowering himself off down a shelf the other day like me like when I was like when I was a very out of shape youngster and my friend had a had a quarter pipe in his driveway you know so he could bike and skateboard on it sometimes we would try to sit on top of that thing i could barely get up there usually i don't think i could get up there at all without a ladder actually it was kind of embarrassing but sometimes i'd sit up there with my friend tony but then when it was time to get down it was the most awkward thing you know yeah like it's a quarter pipe it's like uh yeah yeah how tall was it it was tall i don't know uh let's

see i wasn't a half pipe it was a quarter pipe yeah so that was that tall i'm trying to picture

that well yeah well the quarter doesn't refer to the size it refers to how much of a circle it is right so it's like you know still pretty tall like it was way taller than us like it was

again I was like 13 or something like that um so could you get up there and like drop in from the like was there a surface area on top of it yeah like a little one so it was like pushed up against

the garage and maybe it was as tall as the garage itself maybe maybe a little bit shorter than that but the other kids could like run up it and then sort of leap to the landing up there right but I couldn't do that i was too out of shape i didn't have those skills it was really embarrassing i in fact as i sit here and talk about i can remember just trying over and over and over it was a little bit like um maybe like one of the final things you have to do when you're being the leaping ninja

warrior yeah yeah yeah that's yeah that's a uh that is also a quarter pipe and it is like

it's the final boss as they say yeah sure so uh anyway it was like that but sometimes tony's dad would have a ladder there for whatever reason so i would use the ladder to get up there but then to get down if i'm not using the ladder you kind of like you hoist yourself down you kind of spin around using your hands to lower yourself sort of unsteadily point is i saw my cat getting down from a bookshelf doing that the other day like a low bookshelf he's one lower himself down yeah exactly maybe he really is maybe he really is my cat so my point is i can't trust this cat there's no i've seen just the other day he ran to jump onto a chair didn't realize the chair had an arm on it totally bonked himself like he is so clumsy there's no way i trust him around anything that

is like legitimately dangerous yeah well this is my i've had one cat before well that's not true i guess uh vanessa had a cat pagoda that kind of lived at our house but i had olive and but this is the first cat i've ever had that has lived in the place with me and i've been like the solo caretaker and so i'm still kind of learning things but two things happened with becca's apartment building that put a sufficient scare into me regarding cats and heights and one of them was her cat holly who's also here right now did i ever tell you this either on the show or off the show she uh becca lives on a very high floor of this skyscraper building and one day came home home this one holly was a kitten and holly was nowhere to be found and she went out and looked and like two stories down holly was on a different balcony i remember you telling me about that didn't she have to go knock on the neighbor's door yes and it chased a bird that's the theory had chased a bird and had fallen and fallen down like two floors and and amazingly landed on a balcony and on the other side of the balcony her balcony there are no balconies if that makes sense like in other words if the bird would have just been on the other side of becca's balcony holly would not exist anymore like she had just gone off the side of the balcony where there were other balconies to fall upon so that really stressed me out and then also the fact that not to be dark or anything but becca came home i don't know around the time i got bubbles and a guy was outside her apartment and he was really emotionally you know he was crying and everything and he was holding a cat oh my god his cat had jumped or had fallen off the balcony and it had been the side where there weren't more oh my god yeah and the cat you know had had died so that was all my god yeah

geez louise this is a real thing yeah so i've never heard about that before i've always heard of all you know people like you and me worrying and talking about close calls and saying it could happen but oh my god oh god i can't do that and that was like right around the time i literally

got the cat oh yeah that's gonna put the fear this cat will never ever be unsupervised and then yesterday i was like man her shit stinks open the door so that's apparently how much i care about her life when it is when it's sufficiently rank in the apartment i will let

her roll the dice oh that is wow that's shocking um it's by the way the beaver state if i mean looking for an excuse to change the topic here it's the beaver state has a really good uh state

flag does it have a b i would say have you um have you yeah have you ever seen it i think it's very cool it's it's i think it's dark blue and then the beaver is sort of golden it's got like

kind of a seal or a crest state of oregon 1859 wait i'm not seeing it i'm the state flag i'm not seeing a beaver on it i'm seeing a a crest with like a uh a covered wagon hearkening back

to the days of maybe it's not the official state flag you're right uh i also like this by the way the state of oregon flag that you're mentioning looks like um something you'd have on the back of a jacket that you got for like uh joining the eagles or something but there's i guess it's in it oh if you if you let's see here oh i see there's like an alternate state flag that is

those colors but it's just oh maybe is it the back what do they have flags amazon is it's a two-sided flag luke the flag of the state of oregon old flag it's a two-sided it's a two-sided flag that is i'm not this is real enthusiasm i didn't know that was a thing that you can have a flag where it has one image on one side and another image on and i'm moving to oregon um but that beaver is pretty cool looking right it is and knowing that it's like the b side

is so cool i only listen to the beaver side of the oregon flag a lot of people go in for the State of Oregon, 1959.

It's a collection of beaversides. Oh, my God.

Is that a show title?

A collection of beaversides. I've already forgotten the other three that we flagged as possible show titles, so I'll have to go back.

Well, that'll make this one the winner. You know, I'm going to Maine in a couple of weeks to go to some kind of beaver habitat because we're finally finishing the story on CBS about beavers and how they're very critical to the wild lands of America and don't get a lot of credit for that.

Can you remind me, this is less about beaver talk and more about flag talk. We got an email the other day.

Less about beavers and more about vexillology?

That's what I was going to ask you. So that's vexillology. I believe so.

Let me double check that.

Because somebody wrote in or called in or texted in or something the other day, and I'm sorry, I don't remember who it was, but I'll try to tell. Axillology. Okay, so that's flags. I'm going to try to honor this listener's story, but they were very excited because they had some project where they worked that involved boxes of stamps coming into their office or their workplace. I can't remember if it was an educator or not.

Oh, yeah, that's philatelism.

Yes, philatelism, which sounds awful. Like, honestly, people have gone to prison for philatelism. But this person was like really excited because they'd learned that word from you, from you talking on the show about philatelism and was able to drop that in a professional context while surrounding.

philatelists and vexillologists um yeah i'm very excited though to uh to go hang out in this beaver pond because i have um what do you call it i have hip waders that i bought and have not fully utilized uh for this story like we we went and filmed part of it in like central california almost two years ago and then uh it never went anywhere and then somebody wrote a book about beavers and it's called like beavers the weird rodent that built america and it looks like a really good book i'm gonna read it and we're gonna fly out there and interview good name it the book has two sides one side is the name and the back side is a picture of a beaver and uh anyway we're gonna um fly out there and interview the author and then go out to like a beaver habitat of some kind and it's i mean they're very interesting from a um fire suppression standpoint in that if if we weren't developing you know the land so quickly and getting rid of beavers what beaver dams do is they tend to dam up rivers but not in a way that the river can't function but in a way that a lot of the water kind of seeps into the surrounding soil and And just kind of like they just they make everything kind of a wet bog in a way that wildfires would be much less intense if we just let beavers do what beavers going to do. So we're trying to get the story ready in time for summer as, I guess, a fire related story.

I have a story about language I'd like to tell you here in a moment, but really quickly.

Does it involve vexillology or philatelism? Those are the only two language related topics I'm entertaining.

today does involve a word you just said um but really quickly on beavers have you ever seen i bet you they have these on the tiktok i don't spend much time on tiktok but a lot of stuff ends up kind of migrating over to instagram stories i saw somebody or yeah instagram reels there's a meme about that right somebody's like no i'm not on tiktok i'm a grown person i wait for the tiktoks to get onto instagram reels and then i watch them um but uh i've seen some videos of and i'm hoping that people aren't just like capturing these animals and keeping them as pets if that's not how they should be treated but i'm hoping that maybe these are recuperating beavers or something have you ever seen the videos of beavers in people's homes where they're dragging a bunch of shit from around the house and like kind of oh you know i have actually like they're

like damming up like a window or something there's gonna be if yes is beavers gonna be

a show title we're really super serving laura in bellingham's friend today after um her voicemail yesterday about their stripper names that they came up with at work if you'll beaver's gonna

beave is my you know what's funny uh about what she said yesterday i believe at some point she said your adult film producer name and i was like we're not talking about the producer no i but i kind of we're not talking about the person who orders the craft service for for for these people

having sex on camera talk about yeah right fred fred crocker adult film uh executive producer name it's it's mike yeah right what's your adult film gaffer name um it's best boy weird it's best exactly the and who gaffed best boy um okay this is a story i'm i i've been thinking a lot about this lately and i can't remember if we had a recent conversation on the show about being pedantic and how i'm trying to be less pedantic i feel like you and i had that conversation right regarding like daylight savings time and daylight saving we talked about that recently because the

idea of language is if it transmits the concept or the if you understand what the person is trying to tell you that makes it language it doesn't it shouldn't matter if it's daylight savings or if you know they're saying peruse to mean quickly look at something even though peruse means you actually carefully study something if i know the context when someone says oh i perused that i know

what they're saying but it makes me furious that's interesting i i didn't even know people use it to me in a quick look i always think of like oh yeah i really perused that like i dug in deep but yeah and you know this is something that i think i grew up or maybe as like a a young man i really clung to like hey i know what words mean and um and like trying to preserve like proper language and not using uh the word literally to mean figuratively and what have you and i've i've grown to a point where i sort of think that that is kind of exclusionary behavior and it's not really it's not i'm trying to be less like that um but having said that one of the words and i think i learned this from genevieve um one of the words that i used to be somewhat obsessed with was utilize and using that what i believe to be correctly now if you look up utilize Oh, God.

You actually brought that up on the show one time. I think I used it incorrectly.

Or at least by my standards, although I believe the dictionary definition now makes it pretty much interchangeable with the word use, and that's how people use it. And that's one of those things where, especially like on sports radio, you'll hear people say like the word utilize when they just mean use. And you're like, you're just kind of saying that because you're putting on your radio hat and you think that it makes sense. now i believe and watch me get this wrong but i believe the original well i'm actually gonna this is where i want to lead this i want to tell you about an example i heard on the radio recently where somebody said utilize and i instinctively thought you could use the word use there and then i was like wait no you just used utilize perfectly based on its original intent so to use something we all know that what that means hey i had a i have a hammer and i had to use it to nail in some nails into wood okay that's how you use a hammer but i was camping with my friends and we forgot a bottle opener so i utilized the back end of a hammer to open it up in other words you're

using something that isn't something that is not designed for the task that's to utilize that was

my understanding of the word utilize interesting and even though like i say i'm trying to be less like kind of stuffy and pedantic about things I still have this instinct when I hear somebody say utilize my brain a little like I barely even notice it a little red light goes off somewhere in the corner of my brain that says could you use the word used there but I'm listening to a spring training game the other day and I let's just say it was Rick Riz I'm not exactly sure but whoever was broadcasting the game on the radio was talking about players and how we have I'm blanking on his name but we have some very young prospect who's been playing with the team in spring training uh as a catcher mostly a catcher and a bat is it that kid henry something who's playing in the

world of baseball classic right now our first round draft pick i'd say it's like hooper or

cooper is am i getting anywhere close i'd have to i could have to look up the depth chart i sorry i don't know the player's name but either way they were talking about how they were kind of like moving him around a little bit you have a you have a catcher who is out there playing left field and they were just like and somebody said yeah right and they're just kind of saying the broadcaster said you know that's kind of that's the fun of spring training right you can kind of move people around you can utilize players in different ways and i was like utilize yeah you're using a catcher in left field you're utilizing that player you are absolutely utilizing

that player you know what's funny is that baseball has a proud history of that term because utility

player sure yeah good point a whole thing good point good point that's that's like kind of the

probably why that person said you i bet it was less about their careful study of the english language and just the fact that utility player is already a thing in baseball that's actually a

great way to remember it right i mean if you want to like think about the original or like a utility player somebody if we put mike zanino in right field we're utilizing you're absolutely you're brutalizing us and utilizing him you're brutalizing our defense but utilizing them like exactly so anyway uh you used the word utilize a moment ago i can't remember if you used it like technically correctly again i'm pretty sure at this point everything i've said doesn't matter because people just use it like the word use which is fine but by the way i'm getting drawn

into the world baseball classic thanks to you did you watch any of it yesterday did i was watching some of the dominican republic versus israel so you did see that that that got mercy ruled as we

found out later we were texting about it that made it to the seventh inning maybe yeah and again you

know you can't predict anything i guess officially but you think about the number of mlb players from the dominican republic and then you think about the number of mlb players uh from israel and you see a mercy ruling coming right yeah right down the horizon you had texted me hey who's

who do you think is going to win this game like you know between these two teams dominican republic or israel and i was wrapping up uh the after these messages podcasts and i just looked down and i you know when you're done recording something i tend to try not to keep

too close of an eye on emails did you guys talk about autodesk uh no we didn't we didn't end up

talking about that but um but i just sort of saw a bunch of texts and so i responded to yours like oh i don't know i'm not really following this world baseball classic very much and you were just like i was just sort of kidding like every good player in the world comes from the dominican republic right when's the last time we had a like a slugger from israel like okay that's that's a

good point like hammering hank greenberg i believe that's a real person really and he's a legend yeah yeah i think i think hank hank greenberg yeah he was uh i don't think he was from i love that i don't think he was from israel yeah um but he was uh jewish american and was a really good player But, yeah, it's, man, it's wild how much the DR really over delivers on Major League. baseball players i mean it's am i crazy the dominican republic and haiti are the same island right they're just sort of like bisected bisected in the middle so it's like half of an island half of a caribbean island is what the dominican republic is and i swear it's like 90 of really good mlp players are from the dr yeah that's a really good point um and i'm still

thinking about that text message and how i basically didn't even read it you're just like That was a joke. I thought the joke was that you were gambling again. I thought you were like, oh, after our talk about World Baseball Classic yesterday, that you were just like, okay, who should I place a bet on here?

You know, I actually didn't even check that I should get on old draft things and figure out. i feel like i think they're very smart with the world baseball classic in the timing of it because they throw it down when we have nothing else as as as kind of like you know major sports league uh fans or aficionados i mean baseball is in spring training but there's no nfl well basketball

is really hot right now basketball everything's right maybe that speaks to i mean march madness just began and of course the nba i mean i don't really know their cycle well i guess you're right

i guess i guess my theory completely falls apart yeah there is a lot else going on it's because my college team sucks at basketball even though they retained mike hopkins i don't know why they did that and uh i don't have an uh an nba team anymore so i guess to me this feels like a real dead spot how do you feel if we're just going to go sports on it how do you feel about the fact that aaron rogers has confirmed to the pat mcafee show that he will be a new new york jet is that

official now everybody it's so funny everybody's like he's gonna say it on mcafee he's gonna say gonna say that mcafee and i heard that the jets were like higher or like they were signing or hiring as genevieve will say and apparently i sometimes do too they were um signing all of these wide receivers that he wants did they sign randall cobb how is randall cobb not 80 years old did they do that i don't know there was some talk of that he's he loves his pacifier he loves it's

like you ever have a kid you ever know a kid who's like not a kid anymore they're like an adult or maybe like a teenager but they're carrying around a scrap of a blanket that used to be their binky yeah right that's randall cobb so it's actually happening though he made the announcement huh this was a long i got a breaking news thing on my phone and i never want the term breaking news

and pat mcafee to be yeah right yeah but um that'll be interesting well i mean this makes me dislike the packers less and it makes congratulations listener lisa here's the deal though yeah you've regained it andrew um the jets i mean i don't really know much about the jets but generally speaking they're perennial losers right and so usually i root for teams like that because i want them to finally get a little bit of a touch of that sunshine freeman mcneil have

the jets been competitive was that hammer and hank's brother that was yes and wayne cravet i I think it was they had a receiver named Wayne Cravette that was pretty good.

Is this the leather helmet era?

Yes, yes.

So anyway, I missed the actual headline.

Peace and love to our Jets fans out there. But I do feel like the Jets are where – currently the Jets are kind of where NFL players go to kind of like live out their last least productive years.

It's the proverbial farm where they can run around.

Aaron Rodgers has been Aaron Rodgers is upstate Where he can He gets some fresh air And can run around Oh they love him They're taking such good care of him

Now does that mean You will now dislike the Jets Well that's what I'm trying To figure out Because yeah I want him to I want him to fail so bad I want him Like I just I dislike him

Despite his darkness retreat Which I still haven't gotten Confirmation if he made it Through the whole thing

Nobody has I heard Levitard Talking about that He's like The other day Did we ever get any answers to whether or not he finished that goddamn thing like i just his personality he's

a why don't you just listen to this show andrew because dan levitard and i have the exact same

which is i don't know but anyway um yeah i mean i'm sorry for jets fans if you care about my opinion about the sports and your team but yeah i want so wherever rogers to be you then dislike the environment that he's in well i guess i wouldn't say i dislike the environment that he's in but i want him to fail publicly and embarrassingly i feel like he's a big i mean he's the king of the like subtly blame other people with your eye rolls after a passes in while wearing a mock turtleneck well yeah i mean he's so kind of like he really loves a good

mock turtleneck under his under his pad he's got one super bowl ring he We'll be right back. thinks he's he he thinks he's the best in the world which i understand like people say like he is if he had been surrounded by more talent maybe like the question is like did he get screwed or is he not as good as everybody says he is right like because he's i think he flashes in a way

yeah that and he's white which causes the sports cognoscenti to overestimate his abilities that

well and also yeah just listening to the broadcasters like you can't watch a game without them just oh my god it is just so gross to listen to broadcasters talk about him like he's the second coming of christ i'm more of a fan of the first coming he was pretty good i mean he was a

pretty good freshman effort i felt like the first coming of christ really kind of set the standard second coming yeah you know a little bit more experimental yeah all right uh let's um take a break and then we come back more sports talk although in this case sports bar talk. Okay. Buffalo wings and weck and I use the term weck because it matters Andrew is being sued over calling their wings boneless so we'll talk about that in a moment here on TBTL

On your mark On your mark. Get set. Get set Now ready. Ready. Go Everybody rattle

dazzle. Hey let's thank some dazzling donors. These wonderful generous folks are Dazzling us with their donation of dough Which is how we're able to keep Doing this thing Until Andrew signs with the New York Jets

This is how we make our money I was the only way they could get him there They had to sign me

He's the Randall Cobb of podcasting Anywhere I go I'm like but you also have to sign Andrew

I'll take it

We gotta thank Luke Hertel In Wakefield Rhode Island What's up luke i'm my guess would be i recognize the name luke hirtel i don't recognize the place wakefield rhode island i feel like we rhode island is a place where we don't have a ton of dazzling donors or donors coming from rhode island so i would uh i wonder if luke recently moved there or uh recently became a dazzling donor or i just forgot this whole thing i am pretty sure that luke hirtel

has been a dazzling donor for a minute, so maybe Luke's moved. I mean, if Luke did move without letting us know, I'm a little bit hurt by that. Stay in touch, Luke.

Yeah, keep us posted on your whereabouts in the Quahog State, please, Luke. Luke says, howdy, friendos. I'm going to keep it short and sweet this year. Okay, so that would indicate that Luke Hertel has definitely been dazzling us with his donation for a while. Just want to say how much I appreciate you two jamokes. You and your improbably fascinating lives. And this community of tens truly do enrich my life. It would be a duller and lonelier existence without you. So thank you. Shout out to my fellow Rhode Island tens. Hit me up on the gram. Luke.Hertel. And how about a quick plug for my very talented sister? She makes beautiful macrame and dry flower art. Really, any artistic endeavor she puts her mind to it is wonderful. look her up on the socials and she is at uh how would you say this name ally and no i think that

yes i can't tell it's a it's so it's the at symbol everybody's familiar with that right

then a l y a n d n o e ally and no would be luke's sister out there on the gram making the art let's all support her in honor of Luke's donation. And also, if you're in Rhode Island, hit Luke up. Yes, just show up. That's right. Just drive to Wakefield, get out of your car, and just yell Luke into

the void. I can get his address. I can call John at 8 p.m.

Oh, I can get you a Luke's address with

nail polish. Why am I antagonizing our wonderful daily donor?

Thank you, Luke. We really appreciate you and wouldn't be here without you. Thanks. Maestro?

On your mark. On your mark. Get set. Get set. Now ready. Ready. Go.

Everybody rattle, settle. We've also got to thank Nicole Keith in Albany, New York. Our good friend John with APM has put a note in. Luke knows this and says it correctly, but to be sure, it's Albany. That's extremely kind of John. I have mispronounced Albany on this program many, many times.

I don't remember that. I saw this note, and I wasn't sure what John was correcting for. Is it Albany? Do people, do you say, you know?

Yeah, I go back and forth. For some reason, I say, I want to say Albany, which is, nobody says it that way. I see. Well, thanks, John. Except me, occasionally. Nicole Keith definitely doesn't. Nicole Keith is in Albany and says, I love the show, and I've been listening since 2010. I think it's important to support the things you love and value.

which is why I donate since I have nothing in particular to say maybe instead you can play one or two of the drops that always make me laugh I know I don't know what any of them are called and I don't know where any of these are from but if you can figure them out from the hints or the misquotes below I'd love to hear them uh let's see thanks okay my head is too big for my body compared to what that'd be marcel the shell right yeah do you have that one i believe i have

that somewhere we're gonna do this i've got it right here yeah this i believe is jenny slate

voicing marcel the shell sometimes people say that my head is too big for my body

and then i say compared to what i love the i love the tone on the end of that the incredulity i find

The career arc of Jenny Slate To be fascinating Anytime somebody is on SNL And kind of doesn't Find like sort of huge Success there but then goes on To have a really interesting career I find it kind of fascinating I didn't remember that at all Yeah and she used the F word accidentally In her first season it was kind of a scandal

Like she said the F word live on TV Yes Norm Macdonald did that once too But I don't think it was his first season

and and you know she i don't know maybe she was on two seasons but it was kind of like she was on snl enough that i knew she was on snl but not you know she wasn't like a a kristin wig or somebody who really kind of like found their their sweet spot with that show but then has gone on to just have an amazing career above and beyond that um including marcel the shell which is a film that many people love i have not seen it but i'm guessing nicole keith in albany has seen it yeah um and then the other uh drop that nicole wants is get paid i think that's from this um

jake is that manzoukas no this is i believe uh from that um online sketch show jake in a mirror that i was into like like 15 years ago or something college humor right was where they found the college humor website they might have been on college humor if not something I think they started it. No, it wasn't college. No.

Are you thinking Funny or Die?

Yeah, but Jake and Amir didn't start College Humor, did they? Well, maybe. If so, that's news to me. But I used to watch their stuff a lot, and I used to play this little bit about football.

I love how every year the media counts out the Giants, and then they go on some amazing run in the playoffs. Wow, you're a chick. Let the boys talk about sports, sweetheart. I know more about football than you do. Oh, really? When was the first Super Bowl? 1967. What does a running back do? He gets paid. To do what? I already answered your question.

All right, that's the long version of that, because that's what I found.

I think I always, for some reason, thought that was Jason Mantzoukas. Because he's like the king. The obnoxious guy. Yeah, he is the king of saying things with total confidence that are wrong. By the way, you're right. College humor was created by Josh Abramson and Ricky Van Veen. Oh, still not names that I know.

like a name i would make up if i were on the lamb yeah maybe it is jake in the mirror they've changed

their names i roll i roll into a bar somewhere in baja and they're like what's your name and i'm

like ricky van veen while you're looking around the follow-up questions ricky van you like look

across the street you see a van van veen right it's ricky blue ocean it's ricky passable spanish have you ever thought about you haven't i already know the answer to this but i'll ask anyway have you ever thought about how if you had to just disappear what your plan would be like if you had to get off of the map due to some kind of legal entanglement how you would do it and again i know you probably haven't because your plan is to never have a

legal entanglement of that nature just a little because Genevieve used to talk about like how she would have to go on the lam and off the grid and it's like kind of an interesting intellectual experiment I never really get that far with it I mean you have to you have to get cash I mean without just a lot of cash up front you're absolutely effed like you just cannot survive in this world without paying for things with your cards or your phone or your whatever we live in such a cashless society i can't and then the second you pull any of those things out you're

tracked or you have to be okay with having a job where it's a very kind of low profile i.e you know you're going to be doing some sort of domestic help you're going to be day laboring like i feel like if i showed up you can be a contractor like an under in mexico you could be one of the many contractors i've hired and to work on that house i think most of them are on the lam from the prod Thank you.

project um but i i feel like if you if you rolled up in in baja somewhere and you laid low and you just did sort of day work like you showed up and painted a fence or just got cash and and didn't like make a spectacle of yourself i feel well here's the thing i feel like you could get away with that but there was just a piece on this american life that was based i think on a i forget the newspaper that the journalist writes for but basically somebody who kind of covers this stuff for like, it might be the Post or something was riding around with the task force in Mexico made up of like Mexican law enforcement who their only job is to basically find Americans who think they can just go to Mexico and hide

out. And they catch

so many of them. It turns out my plan is very A, predictable and B, not

good. Is it But is it quantifiably true that it was easier to go on the lam 40 years ago than today? Oh, 100%. I mean, it's like all obvious, you know, kind of objective observation. A lot of O's in that sentence.

Going on the lam would be literally just going to one town over 40 years ago.

Just getting on a train.

Like, wait, he was in Shoreline? Right. We would have never thought to look there. Exactly I mean like oh my gosh We are living in a terrible age For committing crimes

That's why we need an apocalypse to knock all the technology down

And you know who would love that Nicole Keith in Albany Andrew Who has one last audio request No two more right The man or beast Oh wait two more

Yeah isn't there also the directions one

Oh do you have that one

And that's also not Manzoukas No this is from a sketch troupe called Hushmoney Sketch that my friend Monica is in. Let's see. Monica Scott? Exactly. Let's see here. Nicole says something about directions when a guy refers to west and yonder. And I have that right here. Again, this is from Hushmoney.

Don't you know your directions? It's real easy. West, right, backwards, yonder. You didn't even see east. That's because the earth face east, dumbass.

the earth i say that all the time i can't hear the word he's the earth face east dumbass

and then the man or beast i run from ain't been born and it's mama already dead didn't we go on a whole journey with this i have it here but didn't we go on a journey with this drop at some

point yeah and we're still on that journey it's driving me bananas we don't know where this we get it confused with carl's world the bear thing but this we think i and listeners have made this

argument and i truly believe it's not mark coon rippy either is it no it's definitely not i'm

pretty sure this tape you're about to play was organic tape from an interview that you and dave ross did on cairo radio when i was producing the show that's why i think we can't find the origin

of it is because we created it wow that's amazing we did one good thing in this world and then we

the man or beast that i run from ain't been born and his mama's already dead no i take that back

it can't be that's not phone tape right he's clearly out somewhere in the you didn't do that

interview god damn no it was not like it was not field tape i would remember that i think oh you

know what that i run from ain't been born and his mama's already dead you know what luke so wait a

All right, no, no, no, I'm confusing this. I'm thinking of the table. I'd never lower my eyes to another mortal. Oh, right, yes. That's on the phone, and I'm pretty sure that this one is Carl's world, I think. This is the guy who fought the bear, right?

Carl's world. But also, can we take a moment to unpack what the possible existence of this thing is?

The man or beast that I run from ain't been born, and its mama's already dead.

So that would be a non-extant thing, right? Because it's not been born and its mom's dead

Yeah, so I mean So it will never exist We're talking about some necromancy here or something

No, we're talking about some non-existence-mancy Show title? Non-existence-mancy? No No, the man or beast I run from ain't been born and its mom is already dead Right If we go to an intro to logic If we go with an if-then proposition If it has not been born and its mother is already dead

therefore it cannot exist but are you familiar with necromancy and if so how familiar not enough

because but that's my argument you have a couple websites i can the only way that it can exist is if you reanimate the dead in some way it was never so you have to reanimate the mother and

then have the mother give birth to well that either i mean that's the only thing i can think of which is why i said what i said i said what i said what i said i'm not here to make friends what i said was thank you to nicole and luke for uh supporting tbtl today we would not be here without you hello and welcome to top story all right our top story today from the new york times derek bryson taylor writing man sues buffalo wild wings over boneless wings A guy named Eamon Haleem purchased boneless wings from a Buffalo Wild Wings in Mount Prospect, Illinois, in January. This is according to the lawsuit. The complaint says that Mr. Haleem believed, based on the name and description of the products, that he was receiving actual wings that had been deboned, but he found out they were not. From the lawyer, had Mr. Haleem known that the products were not chicken wings, He would not have purchased them or would have paid significantly less for them. As a result, Mr. Halim suffered a financial injury because of the restaurant's false and deceptive conduct. Now, this seems like one of these, like, what is it? What was the lawsuit?

I've heard my own bone snap. I've stitched my fucking body. Wow.

Did I just do that by shuffling my paper upon the computer?

I was going to say, like, I couldn't quite get the joke there.

How relevant was that drop? We're talking about boneless wings And I just played a drop of a guy Saying he heard his own bone snap

That was chilling

That's like That was from me doing like a David Letterman

I like that move by the way That's a good move Even on radio it's a good move I like that sound

Right? It's funny because when we do Livewire And we go to a break Which we do You know even when we're just taping I feel like I said We're back with more Livewire in just a moment and then the band strikes up, you know, like the house band. I really wish I had, like, a blue, like, three-by-five card that I could just, like, tap or throw into the void or something. Throw over your shoulder and have a glass break. Right? Like, you really take on those kind of, like, tropes of being a late-night host. Anyway, sorry about that. Again, though, I regret nothing, because if all the drops I could have accidentally fired, I felt like that was the most germane. Anyway, this is the kind of thing that seems like a BS lawsuit. But Eamon Haleem did get a lawyer to actually work with him on this. So either Eamon Haleem is friends with the lawyer and they're just both in on this, or he's actually paying some money, or the lawyer thinks there's some money to be made in this as a contingency thing.

Listen, here's where I love this story, by the way. I think this is a great story. I think this is a great TV story.

got a lot to it exactly this is very part of a part of a long-standing issue in this country is

how we're describing boneless wings but let me um let me start with this i don't believe his story i mean i think he's lying i don't think he was really fooled i think that he knew what he was doing but i also think he's right i actually think that i mean i don't think that any company should have to pay out millions of dollars for time spent eating non-wings or what have you but i do think that they should change the language i think that boneless wings sound like you took a very specific cut of an animal a very specific part of an animal and then you deboned it i cook probably the the the protein that i cook with most are store-bought boneless skinless chicken thighs i feel like i'm always cooking that up into something right and when i buy those at the grocery store i know what i'm getting very very specific they're a certain kind of you like thighs

because the flavor is better this is what i hear from folks i always i've my whole life i've always

preferred um dark meat to to white meat i think white meat it just it can tend to get drier easily um but that's just me i don't know where society is on these things i think it's just i

think they're definitely with you well really i think broad society is all about the white meat But I think foodie society is all about the darker meat and in particular thighs, like chicken thighs. I feel like if you go to a hip restaurant and they make chicken, it's going to be thighs.

I didn't know that. But but my whole you know me, I'm not a foodie, but my whole life, like if we were a family and we were getting like a bucket of chicken, which, boy, that was a treat. We actually got a bucket of chicken this last weekend. It's so rare that we do it. No. Well, it was actually like kind of a boxes from his elves here in Seattle.

But that's really good.

It's so, so rare that we do that. Coincidentally, we did it, but we got all dark meat. Like, I just always have. Like, the last thing in the box, if you have a mixed box of chicken, is always the breast. For me and my family.

Oh, for the record, I love white meat because I'm very basic.

Well, I don't know if that's – okay. Anyway, all of that is to say when I'm buying that –

When I'm buying that thigh, I'm buying a specific type of meat, right? And so it's not a huge deal. I'm not saying this is the biggest thing that we need to solve as a culture. That's throwing poop in other people's garbage bins. But second on the list is this, which is boneless wings are not boneless wings. They're cuts of – this article says it. I don't have it in front of me. Is it thigh meat or is it white meat? I think it's breast meat that they form into these little chicken niblets or whatever. This is my thing. there's a million things you can call it you can call them niblets you can call them chicken nibblers you can call them chicken tenders you can call them chicken fingers i'd like to see your sommelier right like there's a million things from somalia but the idea of actually saying hey this is a cut of wing this is a cut of the the animal this is a cut of meat that we have deboned is a specific thing and that's not what these companies are selling and uh i think you're

certainly right about that. It's interesting because it would seem that Buffalo Wild Wings is using the defense that other places also call this thing boneless wings. They point out in their response. Domino's Pizza and Papa John's also call this thing a boneless wing. Exactly. I mean, you're exactly right. I was surprised that a company of this size was like, but Papa

johns does it i guess there's a marketplace argument there you know something like that market argument but i i really wish that they would they would change it i think they should

change it they are not boneless wings um there uh i i pulled this audio andrew and then i uh i forgot to drag it over to uh my other computer but let's see if i can find it on the fly there was a guy that showed up at some kind of a um thank you new york times for not remembering that i pay you money uh let me just log in here real quick there was a guy that showed up at a um sorry now it's asking for my password i really i could just andrew is cool but the o's are zeros uh andrew is cool one two three exclamation exactly xoxo well i can't get to it because it's it's embedded in this new york times article that i cited but there was a guy in like i think maybe lincoln nebraska who showed up at a uh you like you know what a city council meeting to argue this very point and it's it's referenced in this new york times piece uh that this guy was and he i wish i could play the audio because he says like um i'm in this you call this i just didn't

is it a is it a link luke yeah it's a link in the story you have the new york times piece if you

scroll down you can see it now he the thing is this guy i would believe that he was for real except he's wearing a tie with hamburgers on it so he's told on himself as a person of irony

yes i don't you know what i mean yeah i'm not a big fan of um this kind of stuff yeah i'm not a big fan of like we even have played some viral video before um what about being an activist and house party exactly i actually really hate that stuff like these really that one i feel like that i know it's so funny those guys i know but like i don't just the prank at a city council always makes me mad just like they're these things are kind of like these are long but important parts of our government and i don't know that's how i describe my love making it just drives i

don't know long but important part of our government yeah so anyway do you have the

audio can we know i can't i found like a whole three hour thing but i'm looking for it to be

broken out and you should be able to just there's two links in that graph oh here it is widely

says the video went viral i think that'll cut you right yeah i clicked on the wrong one here we go let's take a listen to this if i can unmute oh this has been so smooth this has been so smooth

lincoln has the opportunity to be a social leader in this country we have been casually ignoring a problem that has gotten so out of control that our children are throwing around names and words without even understanding their true meaning and treating things as though they're normal. I go into nice family restaurants and I see people throwing this name around and pretending as though everything is just fine. I'm talking about boneless chicken wings. I propose that we as a city remove the... Excuse me, I'm trying to... Excuse me, come on. i propose that we rename boneless wings in the city of lincoln we can call them buffalo style chicken tenders we can call them wet tenders we can call them saucy nugs or trash we can take these steps and show the country that where we stand and that we oh i'm sorry that was understand

that's enough we get the idea i just i hate this i hate this guy really yeah okay he's just he's wasting everybody's goddamn time this is not an issue for a city council like i actually agree with this I had no

I had no I had no I had no

I have no idea that you held the local city councils in such high regard.

Well, it's a combination of actually thinking that they do have work to do that is important, but also that everybody who does this just wants to go viral. This guy is putting on a bit because he thinks he's so random and clearly this is all thought out. His only thing is to get famous on the internet by being the guy who wore the hamburger tie and pretended to be serious about what we're naming our chicken wings, which is not city council business. Stop wasting their goddamn time. Stop wasting my time

I feel like I mean I know what you mean it's very performative I do think that the My name is Chad I'm an activist and house party Enthusiast that one does rise To a different level for me because I think the comedy Is more kind of Sophisticated Believe it or not than this guy And also this guy is kind of like He's clearly very Nervous and he's stumbling around which shouldn't Be a mark against him but just kind of like I don't know it's it makes me less impressed with his performance and also again he gives himself away with the ironic tie but I do think that the I don't know I feel like the city council meetings yes they are important on a very hyper local level but I think having some fun there let me put it this way I'd rather hamburger tie guy show up than some lady who is yelling about them making her kid wear a mask at school yeah I mean I don't know you've aligned yourself with.

think about if you do the math interesting gymnastics there but you're right i'm now anti-vax god how did that happen you're not anti-vax you're asking questions but you are anti-mask i'm just saying that my kid belongs in school no matter what the danger to everybody's health um i um yeah no listen people need to work out their politics in these things it's also just prank culture it's also just like because for every one of these that we see that goes viral there's probably what 20 that we don't see because they're not that good and just like people like hey hey man anybody can speak at these they legally have to let you how about hey let me go waste every time it's just bad prank behavior i hate pranks how about how about this rule

if the people on the council are doing it as their full-time job in other words if it's like the seattle city council where everyone's making like 140k and it's their real job and this is what they do then it's allowed but if they are somebody who owns a like a flooring store and they're in marfa texas and they're doing this because of kind of their dedication to civic life

don't waste their time there's a bunch of people there there are concerned citizens there who are there like late at night after probably doing their jobs and dealing with their family stuff you have reporters there who are working late to cover this or do you even have reporters there anymore because everybody's so i hope strapped it's just like no it's it's making a mock it's making a mock mockery of democracy it's a mockery of democracy it's a mockery of democracy oh my

god is that i have to run for a show title a mockery of democracy is that when you get five democracies together have you created a mockery of democracy that's my platform oh my god i love

that here i go once again with the email every week i hope that it's from a female no man it's

not from a female all rightily oh we had an uh a voicemail or something that you didn't play yesterday because you said it was going to be a whole thing so let's have a whole thing yeah

maybe just take a listen to this so this is our uh friend and listener paul over in jolly old england who has a bit of a neighbor issue he's trying to figure out hi guys it's paul the brick

10 um so in my home my bedroom is on the other side of the wall from my neighbor's bedroom and they have an alarm clock that goes every morning and that's fine when they're there because they turn it off and i can hit but i can hear it but it's fine because they're there and they turn it but they work shifts however they don't change the setting on their alarm clock so every morning it goes off whether they're there or not and it means when they're on shift it just makes that noise for half an hour before it turns itself off how do I address that with this guy next door without seeming like a jerk so any assistance would be helpful I was thinking about just having a little conversation and but I don't want to seem mean but I don't want to seem too apologetic I don't want to seem like it's not an issue whilst I'm trying to address it because it's an issue and it goes off at that's important goes off at about quarter to seven every morning I perform comedy so often I'm not home until or not going to bed until two o'clock in the morning so for me that's quite um so any uh input would be hugely helpful cheers guys love you okay bye

by the way perform comedy is the most clinical way to describe what paul does for his job right i strategically deploy comedy at locations that have requested it um that's my paul impression um man that is no do now do paul doing boris johnson okay god boris johnson it's been a while that's well on the subject of neighbors by the way andrew i ran into or walked past the neighbor who left the note way she's way more of a hipster than i would have suspected i don't know why that It's not really relevant, but I was struck by what a hipster this person is.

So I kind of forgot that you didn't, you'd never had eyes on this person.

I had briefly had eyes on them when I was one time getting out of the elevator and they were like sorting a bunch of stuff in the hallway in a box. And I said, oh, moving in. And they said sort of or something. They said kind of or something. It was like a non-helpful answer, which would prove to be a kind of a pattern. But, and then when we were trading the notes, I never actually saw them. until yesterday I was coming home and I was walking from the elevator to my apartment door and there they were and they had those kind of like um I don't know how to describe them there's like a kind of aviator glasses but they're not tinted they're like oh yeah for vision but an

aviator style glasses those are like the hot glasses now and I don't want to insult anybody who has them actually as few of my friends have them and I know it's the way on my neighbor But it's funny because those are kind of the style glasses that I grew up kind of wearing, and they were very big nerd glasses back in the day. You know how Buddy Holly glasses were sort of like nerd glasses, but it's a look that I always liked. I thought it was kind of a classic look, like a thick frame or kind of a half frame. Like I like my glasses now, and there was a time you would maybe use the type of glasses I wear in a Farside cartoon to indicate uncoolness. I realize that. Some kind of nuclear.

Some kind of nuclear. I'm in a lab employee would be wearing those black. Yeah, definitely in a lab.

Yeah. Whereas these other glasses, like they're kind of like nerd glasses from a different era. But it's the era that I was actually a nerd in. And so I actually it's not a good look. It's a little close. I love glasses, too. Like, I just think I, you know, I think I've said this a million times on the show. I have a aside from it's a mockery of democracy, which is still hard to say. I always also say that everybody looks better in glasses if they can find the right glasses. I truly believe that. But those are not, for me, the type of glasses that flatter people's faces.

Well, those are what my neighbor was wearing. And we kind of did that pursed lip kind of like, you know, nod the head and purse your lips. Kind of tighten the lips kind of. Kind of tighten, but in a way that's trying to say like, I come in peace, but also let's not get into a conversation. Okay. All right. Kind of thing. That's what we did. That does not help Paul at all. I would leave a note, right? But in this case, I think Paul would be justified, whereas I think my neighbor with the hipster glasses was a little bit unjustified in telling me not to cook food at 1 a.m. when I was actually out with you carousing in Portland.

You know, what I'm going to say, I don't know if this is definitely not what Paul wants to hear. and maybe it's just my mood today and maybe it's the um maybe we've been talking about maybe it's the gin talking maybe it's because we've had so many calls and emails recently about kind of neighbor behavior and leaving notes and i know this comes from you know the reason we have a lot of these conversations is because this is the type of stuff that i worry about a lot and like i don't like it when somebody's parking over the line or throwing you're messing with my garbage bins or whatever like i realize that i i'm the the attitude on this show that brings all of this stuff out but maybe i'm just a little bit exhausted right now thinking about all of these neighbor confrontations and i gotta say i just keep thinking this one get some earbuds just or earplugs or or you know just kind of solve it on your end it's like it's a half hour break into the

home break into when the name sit there spy on your neighbor when they leave as they're getting to the elevator or the staircase and the door is still closing you wedge something into it now you're in i like this i would say you go in i would say you turn the alarm clock off you unplug it you possibly cut the cord send a message cut it a bunch of little pieces

Yeah, check the fridge for sure

You cut the cord, you hang it in the fridge You send a message Check the cupboards too

They might have some of that fancy honey You know, have you ever had some of that fancy honey? Genevieve brought some of that home as a gift During the holidays, it was good

What makes it fancy?

It's expensive, it's from fancy bees I don't think I could pass a blind taste test It's not in a bear But it wasn't in a bear It was in a cute little glass bottle with a cork top It just seemed fancy.

I am guessing that it being England, they have fancy honey because of how much people consume tea. If I can bring it back to my favorite TV show alone, Andrew, there was in a in a recent season that I watched, there was a woman who was from Exeter in the UK. Now, I have a lot of thoughts on this person because they actually grew up in Wyoming and they moved to England 11 years ago. But they have a British accent But she also Commented that her accent is all over the place She said I don't sound American anymore I don't sound British She was like And she also described her accent as manic So she's like aware That it makes no sense That if you move to England in your 20s And you live there for 11 years You would have a British accent Like she's aware Point is she drinks a lot of tea on the show which in this case is just hot water, like heating up water from the lake they're on and drinking it. But I was like, you know what? If I were in one of those shows, having a ritual around because you always have access to fresh water, having a ritual around heated up fresh water would actually be pretty smart.

I have a friend who drinks hot water, like if we're all drinking coffees or teas or beers or whatever. She's often just got a mug of hot water. This is my friend Nikki from New Hampshire who lives in the Beaver State now, as a matter of fact. Um, but, uh, yeah, she always has a mug of hot water, no tea in there or anything.

It's very comforting, actually.

Yeah. I like it. I, you know, it's really comforting to me and I don't drink a lot of tea. I go through phases. I think there was a, there was about a year where I was really trying to back off of coffee. I don't, I don't know that I talked about it on the show a lot, but probably, um, if I know me, but, um, I didn't like the clearly addictive nature of coffee. because I've been drinking coffee my entire adult life and a lot of my childhood, too, frankly. And I was getting to this point where, like, if I didn't, if I forgot to have coffee, I would get a headache. It would affect me in the middle of the day, like physically. And for as much as I don't treat my body well, aside from cigarettes, which I'd already ditched at this point, I never had something that really affected me physically if I didn't have it. And I hated that feeling, especially having put cigarettes behind me. So I was trying to decrease some of my caffeine intake and not having a pot of coffee, but instead an occasional cup of tea was like just the right level of caffeine that made me feel like I could sort of keep things in in in check. Why am I talking about all this? My point is this. Paul, your advice to Paul is get earbuds. One of my most comforting sounds is the sound of a teaspoon tinkling in a mug of tea. You're like Amelie breaking a creme brulee, but for tea. Ooh, I don't remember that scene particularly, or specifically, but yeah, just that sound, it just takes me back to maybe from like being, we drank tea when we had to have a sick day or something, and my mom would like put honey into it, and that tinkling sound of the spoon. No, we weren't that fancy, but anyway, yeah, for some reason, you know, I'm probably wrong on this, but like, I'm thinking about Paul's thing, I'm like. It's very cozy. This, that sound is, but not the sound of the alarm. No, no. Yeah.

Paul, disregard Andrew in this, please. Usually, Andrew has better advice than I do. I'm an impulsive, sexy man. But in this case, I do think I have the right advice, which is leave a note. Just like a nice note that just says, hey, would you mind making sure that your alarm is not on seven days a week? Because when you're not here, it goes for a really long time and it's pretty loud. wouldn't that be an okay note to leave

are you including like a dirty little doodle

you know what Paul I'm back to believing in Andrew's advice definitely draw like a guy draw like a clown that has a cactus growing out of its pants

okay now I'm on board see this is the importance of dialogue and city council style meetings

this is the dynamism of conversation what is it it's like a point And then a counterpoint And then where you get from that Is where the real magic is

Exactly

The only reason

Well like I said

I gave you the lead up to that, that maybe I'm just sort of exhausted with like having to deal with neighbors, even just imaginary neighbors for me. But this one seems so predictable and like, you know, when it's going to happen and you know, when it's going to end. It's not for me.

I think it drives me a little bit out thrilling that comedy fans of the UK until all hours, Andrew, and then at quarter of seven. I mean, wouldn't that that wouldn't frustrate you if I was out, whereas some people say frustrate you.

I yes, it would. Yes, it would. I don't think that I don't think that Paul's wrong to have these concerns, certainly. And I don't even I'm not even saying that I'm right here. I'm just saying where I am right now is this. Like if I lived across like a parking lot one time in one of my apartments from a person who had a motorcycle and they would tune up that motorcycle on.

some random morning and it would just go 45 in the morning and then they would like blow it out loud

and you didn't know exactly when it's going to happen you knew you're going to be in bed you had no idea how long it was going to last it drove me bananas the sound of somebody playing loud music um in like in a adjacent apartment that has a shared wall or shared ceiling some of my least favorite sound in the world it puts me so so on edge hearing that kind of stuff but i do think that in the grand scheme of all of these kinds of examples an alarm clock that you know when it's going to go off and you know when it's going to stop going off i feel like you can pretty easily mitigate that in today's day and age with like white sound or whatever like you want to put in your in your earbuds i don't think you should have to but for me personally That would be how I would solve it Because then I wouldn't have to get into Anxiety town regarding an interaction With a neighbor that I don't know how it's going to go

I love you Andrew But I would I would respond very differently to this Knowing that it was going to happen at 645 Would not for me Make it more tolerable It would make it worse for me Because it would be sort of like You know I would be up i i would be like dreading it all night when i fell asleep um but uh yeah i i would say leave a note but also maybe that's a maybe get your i'm thinking about getting well i have earbuds i'm thinking about employing airpods andrew when bubbles is trying to freaking wake me up every hour on the hour from my bedroom like i just had this brainstorm the other night i was lying in bed it was 3 a.m she was scratching at the door and meowing and i was thinking how like how do i survive this from her and i thought because i have a fan going and all that but i was like maybe airpods maybe i just have to actually like put some kind of white noise more directly into my ears so that i can't hear her now and this is what i was sort of thinking

about and wondering about when i was giving this advice to paul too um for you luke would you just go to sleep with them in and now take care of it in the morning you wouldn't wake up or would it be like oh she woke me up I'm gonna put these in and go back to

sleep well the problem is they die after a few hours like the battery life is pretty is pretty low that's why I have like I have two of the old school air pods and then I have one of the air pod pros but the air pod pros hurt my ears like my ear hold is misshapen in some way so I would have to at some point pull them out and replace them but I would I could fall asleep with them i think as long as i was sleeping on my back but um then i have sleep apnea easy ladies i'm taken um so if i sleep on my back sleeping on my back is the most comfortable thing but when i do it i then go like i find i snort because i'm basically taking in big inhalations of breath every once every two minutes you ever snort yourself awake oh all the time bubbles is the least of my sleep disruptions yeah most of it is the apnea yeah yeah some of it's paul's neighbor you know i sleep with a mouth guard now an anti-snoring and anti-teeth grinding it's people

are trying to break into my mouth at night so i got a mouth guard it's like a century you know

he stands that makes you different than everyone in the nfl who just likes to dangle it from their face mask which seems like the worst of all worlds like what if i did you just have it flopping in

your eyes what if that was I was like well I got to get a mouth guard but the only kind of mouth guard I knew was already attached to a football helmet so I'm sleeping with an entire football

helmet do you remember from your time playing football in high school when you get your mouth guarded you boil it and then you bite down on it so it fuses to the shape of your teeth or shapes teeth i didn't remember that but that's what i had to do for this night guard that i got um this mouth guard it's exactly like that it's i got it at that you know the dental section of walgreens or whatever is over the counter night guard and yeah it's because i'm grinding my teeth for a while there and again i don't know if i talked about this on the show this has ceased a little bit in the past couple of months but i don't know not all that long ago i was waking up multiple times a night luke in severe pain screaming pain as i would clamp my teeth down on my tongue in the middle of the night like the sides of my tongue like i would just be sleeping sleeping sleeping and then all of a sudden just like the best way i can describe it is like this searing pain that suddenly you're just awake and you're like what is happening oh it happened again And then trying to go back to sleep after that is terrible. And so I've been damaging my teeth. My teeth were a little bit chipped. I've been damaging my mouth and stuff. And so I finally got a night guard. Has it worked? I don't know. I forgot to wear it last night.

But you're not waking up in searing teeth. No, that's true.

No, but although that particular, like the intensity of that had already died down before I got the mouth guard. But it is true. On the nights that I wear it, I haven't had any issues. I assume it's helping I went to the dentist the other day and they mentioned I couldn't quite tell what they were talking about but I have some sort of ridge in my gum line or something that is an indicator that's apparently an indicator of like tension I find myself doing it during the day now I don't know if this is kind of a new thing for me I've found myself at times like oh my god my jaw is so locked up right now do you ever do that like you realize you're thinking about something and like you're like basically grinding your teeth while awake so anyway yeah i i think it's a good thing from it the problem for me is putting it on right away i it's kind of uncomfortable i don't like it i've gotten very used to it in the past several weeks it's not the best feeling in the world but it probably does help and um i don't know it just

it feels it just sort of feels gross to me i probably need a cpap at this point and i was i was trying to when i was younger and i had more what do they call it hope i was like well if i lose some weight i probably won't need the cpap now i'm just like no i'm gonna need a cpap but i just can't quite go there even though everyone i know that has one is like i've never like you know we have friends that use the cpap and they're like i've never gotten better sleep you know like once you get used to it i think it's totally life-changing and i mostly sleep alone i mean i'm typically here by myself or in a hotel room by myself so you know it's not like there are that many people that would be seeing me in that state but there's just something about getting a CPAP that I can't quite make myself sort of

do yeah I'm the same way and this is my problem with a lot of things in my life because I think like well this is the right thing for me to do I'm like yeah but I should do all these other things first to mitigate you know what I mean like if I'm having sleep problems well then maybe I shouldn't be drinking so much before bed or eating so much before bed or all these different things like why don't you try those things first I'm eating

an entire CPAP every night before bed

right no I mean that's how it's how it works right that's why they're so expensive what anyway yes then I'm like well then okay I'll do these things first and then I never do those things and then I just go on with my bad habits well

I'm glad you got the mouth guard though because I do that sometimes too where I bite my tongue and I know what you mean it's like sleep is the weirdest thing because when you're awake you want to tell yourself how to behave in your sleep and then when you're asleep it's like a totally different person takes over so like you bite your tongue and then you're like okay remember to not do that yeah you're like okay andrew don't do that do not do that that hurt don't do that and then sleep andrew's like you know what would be fun right now let's bite the shit out of this jump let's get chompers that's me like when when i am you know when becca is staying over or at a hotel or something i'm like do not under any circumstances burbs fall asleep on your back because that's when the snoring happens and so i'll just like keep telling myself don't fall asleep on your back and the next thing you know i'm on my back and i'm getting i'm getting a swift elbow to the ribs larry bird style

i thought you're gonna say i honestly thought you're taking it to fart town i thought you're gonna say like i tell myself fall asleep like don't fart i try so hard i'm not i'm not a big

farter or burper i'm sometimes i wake up so many things about my body that and my digestion that i wish were different but that's i don't have a lot of that going on i think i don't know i'm asleep maybe maybe sleep luke is just a farting machine well that's what yeah that's what i worry about like i don't want to fart in my sleep i love that you're worried about it 20 years in and i really mean that like i think that's that's we've talked about it before i find that very

charming well once we get married then i'll be comfortable yeah it's just still courting

welcome to fartville yeah you know what paul write your neighbor a note that just says welcome to Spartville.

Just nothing more. That's it. Get back with us. Just welcome to Fartville, and then, like, you know what? Your move, neighbor. Yeah, get back with us. Let us know how that goes. All right, that's going to bring us to the end of today's program. Andrew, I want you to know I've door dashed over 30 boneless wings while we've been talking.

Have you actually done that?

No.

Oh, no, you don't eat meat. What am I talking about? Because, honestly, during this conversation, I have, yeah, but your whole point with that is not to buy trashy wings.

Probably less of that if I do go back to it. And they do have, by the way, the fake, like, we'll call them boneless wings. The fake boneless wings they have, like fake meat, are pretty convincing. Because if you bread the shit out of anything, you get most of the sort of experience. But no, I have not yet ordered them. But if you do, tell me how it goes.

I'll let you know.

All right. Thanks, everybody. We're going to be back here tomorrow. I will be in Anaheim, California. Not to brag. at a hotel near Disneyland.

We got a voicemail from our friend Barry that I didn't play on the show because he was just riddled with swears about how angry he is at CBS for treating you that way.

Thank you. I do not deserve this kind of treatment. I don't deserve this shabby treatment. Okay, I do deserve this shabby treatment. All right, thanks everybody. We'll see you tomorrow. Until then, have a great Wednesday and please remember, no mountain too tall. And good luck to all.

Last time I checked, audio was the second most important part of the audio-video experience. So it's the least important part, right? I just wish we'd talk about my hobbies, too. What hobbies do you even have? Not really a hobby, but I'm pretty good at alienating significant others. Power out.