Muse

I know it seems crazy, but Tracy and I are totally, totally in love. In love? Yeah, it's serious. She inspires me in ways that Linda never has. She even wants to read my novel.

But you haven't written your novel.

That's the whole point!

TVTL! Guys, I'm calling you from a karaoke bar bathroom. Somebody just put on Bohemian Rhapsody. Save me, please.

I have a beta sequence I've been working on.

Would you like to see it? That's our second Arby's in town. Some say it's better. The fries are curlier. Though, I wouldn't know it. I'm loyal to the original.

We have all the facts on this we need. We don't need any more facts. In the land of truth, my friend, the man with one fact is the king.

Hey, look here. why don't we eat us a few thousand beers and you tell me what's buzzing in the big bad city

all right hello good morning and welcome everyone to a wednesday edition of tbtl a show that just might be too beautiful to live i think it's disgusting my name is luke burbank

i am your host the world needs to see the madness that is my upper torso okay coming to you once

again from what i am now deciding is west chester california in the greater los angeles area california got sunshine i think i might literally be on the border of two places one being called playa del rey and one being called west chester but i think we're just 51 in the west chester I just want the listeners to have a very specific visual of where I am, and we're calling it Westchester, California, here as we arrive at episode 3,906 in a collector's series. Let the fun begin. Oh, I found some audio that is hot off the presses, and by hot off the presses I mean from the director's commentary of a film that I think was released probably 15 to 20 years ago, so I am excited to play you that, that audio. It's an audiophile's nightmare. As is my computer right now, sorry about that. But also, speaking of things where the audio is actually worked out, there's a new podcast that I am flipping obsessed with, which I also want to talk about.

You're a good interviewer.

And I want to talk to this guy, the longest running co-bro of the show, maybe best known for his depictions of the tall ships. Who has two thumbs and never kicks it in his underwear? He's Andrew Walsh, and he's joining me right now. Good morning, my friend.

Good morning, Luke. I was just going through the voicemail line. Heard a lot of voicemails that had been kind of stacking up in there. Got a voicemail from listener Maggie who was a quickie just mentioning that she in her entire life has never had the phenomenon where she's sleeping and then suddenly bites her own tongue and wakes up until I mentioned it on the show a couple of days ago. And then suddenly she woke up in the middle of the night. She had to check on her tongue to make sure that she wasn't bleeding. She bit it so hard. What am I doing with this power, Luke? What am I doing with my broadcasting power But putting poison in people's brains So that they're eating their own faces at night I must stop, I must be stopped We call you the sleep master Indeed, well it's also It's also a part of the junk sleep Campaign, you get a sleep master mattress

It's definitely It's definitely in the mattress district Well you're the sleep master because, well actually Sleep master was a chain, right Wasn't that the Sonny Kobe Cook Why buy a mattress anywhere else I think this has come up on the show before Okay, I don't know. I was unfamiliar with Sleep Master. The reason I call you the Sleep Master, and I think we can do that because the actual mattress chain Sleep Master has been absorbed into some other company, probably like Sleep Train or something, is because not only are you causing the listeners to do your bidding, to do your evil bidding at night where they bite their own tongues, but you can go into your dreamscape and like a reverse Freddy Krueger, absolutely crush it during a stress stream.

Yeah, that's true. That is true. We ended the show yesterday kind of after the music with a voicemail from a listener who had a TBTL-related dream where we were kind of cutting it up with her dad at a live event in the mall. There is still a Sleep Master that exists. Now, I don't know if this is one of those things where the IP for the original Sleep Master traded hands a bunch, but there's something called Sleep Master Online. It says, We Make Dreams Happen. And it's just a picture of a surly, burly-looking guy with a lead pipe in his hand. And it says, We Make Dreams Happen. That's definitely not Sonny Kobe Cook. Okay.

That never made its way out to...

the Midwest, huh? Sleep Country USA, why buy a mattress? I know I'm mixing Sleep Master and Sleep Country, but just go

with it. Sleep Country USA definitely rings a bell. Now, I don't know if I started hearing that when I was in Ohio, New England, or out here on the West Coast, but certainly Sleep Master rings no bells. Sleep Train was out here, but they got absorbed into Mattress Firm, because I remember thinking, there's no worse name for a mattress store than Sleep Train. In the radio promos, Yeah, they had the sound of a train going choo-choo very loudly. And I'm like, that seems like that would be a barrier to sleep. It's so strange that you end your commercial with a big, loud honking sound. I understand the sound of, like, maybe a quiet, rumbling boxcar train in the distance. Or if you were in a sleeper car, it could be buried.

Everybody loves the sound of a train in the distance. Everybody knows it's true.

Is that a song or are you just rapping? It's a Paul Simon song. Oh, I didn't know that. But, yeah, people do like that. But then Mattress Firm feels like you're siding.

because you know some people like a soft mattress some people like a firm mattress you're very clearly indicating who you are aligned with and but it also like is it like a is it like a law firm

joke i use the i pause before i say joke it's not a joke but like i just don't understand the construction of mattress firm like is it kind of like we're the mattress and johnson llc now that i'd buy a mattress from them absolutely and i'd hire them to uh both uh do my taxes and

represent me oh my god don't even bring that up i am so behind on my taxes it's just and i i traditionally what i do is i marry someone who does the taxes or at least submits the information to the person you still have like three weeks As we say on the show, Andrew Shit be complicated I have multiple shell companies That I'm currently trying to stash Income in

No, no, I mean you have three weeks to get married That's why I interrupted you I think you misunderstood what I was saying there I wasn't saying you have three weeks to do your taxes I was saying you have three weeks to find a partner Get married and have them do your taxes for you

Forward them all of my info See, the problem is just the act of forwarding them my info is then the amount of work that I have to do to forward my info to Safstrom and Associates, which sounds kind of like a mattress company based in downtown Seattle. Safstrom. Now, see, Safstrom I would go to over mattress firm. Right, yeah. Welcome to the mattress firm. I'll tell you what. The folks at this tax accounting firm have me over a complete barrel because they do have a certain amount of my info, And I know how to use their web portal Which means, and every year they Increase how much it costs me to file my taxes And every year I'm like, this is Highway robbery, but you know what, what am I going to learn A different portal for putting in All of my W-2s

Well, I didn't know We're going to be talking about this, but I'll bring this up I did actually I'll make you up Taxman by the Beatles Oh no, you say it's your Birthday I I actually did submit all of my tax information yesterday through a new portal. Now, let me tell you this. This is not a recommendation at this point in the game. I feel like even though we bought a house this year, and it is complicated. Me and Genevieve not being married, but having commingled assets is a little complicated because we have to file separately.

Is it proving difficult for somebody wearing a Statue of Liberty foam headdress to untangle?

For what it's worth, I was wearing that. You know, we had been using for the past two years a some sort of some sort of service, not a service, you know, some accountants. What do you call the tax preparers who were suggested to us by our financial advisor? Like this was all like so responsible of us. Right. And we had some complications with how we had sold our previous house that we didn't do things exactly right when we were doing it ourselves. So, you know, these people came in, charged us a pretty penny, and keep in mind, they're charging us both individually as individual filers to kind of get that stuff sorted out, refile some things, get us all on the up and up, and continue to file our taxes for us. We retained them the following year, which was last year, and their portal is the worst. It was like doing so. Put it up against Softrums, because they're right there. Put it up against Sleepmasters. You have no idea. Why buy taxes anywhere else? Choo-choo! But we were getting kind of annoyed because their portal was terrible. Their response time was good. But, like, upload the questionnaires and everything they ask you, it seemed it wasn't quite as hard as filing them ourselves, but it was... such a workload just to get them what they needed and they were charging us so much money and then i don't know four months ago or something that that that tax preparing place sent out an email saying we're raising our rates they were raising their rates so high that would have cost us almost two thousand dollars just to file our taxes with just to have them prepare our taxes not

Do not darken the door of Softstrom

Well For us I mean you have a million jobs

That's not a flex it's just like That's yeah it's it is Unless you're going to somebody Again who is dressed like a Statue of Liberty And wearing a foam crown It's very expensive These days I believe well I'll tell

You what we wrote back and said that's That's a little that's a little steep for Us you know we're going to shop around and We had, again, our advisor suggested somebody else that he works with, and she so far has been very chill. She sent us a new portal situation run by Intuit for whatever that's worth. So I was kind of like, oh, okay, third-party software. Okay, maybe that's good. Maybe that's bad. Hard to say. That's one thing. Like so many companies, I don't know, maybe even some podcasts and radio networks feel like they need to create all of their own proprietary software to get stuff done when people all over the Internet are doing it with, you know, software that already exists, like Intuit or what have you. And so I wasn't sure what to make of it, but she sent us the new questionnaire and said, hey, listen, this first year, the questionnaire is going to be a little laborious, but it'll ease up over time, whatever. so I'd been putting it off and putting it off and putting it off and then finally yesterday I just had a few minutes and I'm like I'm not going to have time to get it all done right now but if I at least just get it started and then I'll have to take a break and do my other podcast and then I can maybe come back to this later but I feel like if I just get it started I'll at least have some forward momentum. A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. Luke we should have made this change years ago. It was so much easier. Now I'm almost it was so much easier i'm a little bit paranoid that she's going to come back to us and say well i now now the hard part starts i would share this person's information with you later like it was um uh and again we're just at the beginning of our journey with this person but uh i'm really really impressed so far and like sort of like i feel justified like i knew that that other company was making it too complicated like they're i hate to say it yeah portal sucks i just want someone

who will somehow just guess at how much I've spent on various things that are deductible and guess at how much I make and then send the IRS a number that involves me owing no taxes. Is that too much to ask? Right. I think that that's fair. Just somebody out there, just submit a tax return for me wherein I don't owe any money, but wherein I also don't get audited, but also wherein. third of all wherein i don't have to hang on to any receipts or w-2s or 1099s or submit them

through the softstrom portal nothing stops a train choo choo well good luck with all of that i actually

i'm not even kidding i now that you've now that you've described this magical tax portal that is easier to use created by intuit uh and also it sounds like these folks are probably more reasonable than the folks that I've been using. I really might actually want to get that recommendation from you later on. I also get an email. I start getting an email. It's winter taxes, like April 18th, I think. Wasn't it always April 15th, like forever?

April 15th, yeah. It's 18th this year, I believe. It is? Oh, is it a weekend thing? No.

I believe the 15th is Friday. Maybe they don't want it to be a Friday or something. But it was always April 15th when I was growing up And that was always, you kind of had that circle on the calendar Your dad was, you know, always I don't know how it was for your dad But, like, my dad was always stressing about, you know, tax day And then suddenly they just started, they started moving it No, the 15th is Saturday Sorry, Andrew, you're totally right So maybe it is the 15th if it's not on a weekend But what's weird is the 18th is a Tuesday

Yeah, that's what's strange Like, why not make it the 17th? Yeah, they're like, well, nobody likes Mondays it really is a monday is a lot to deal with and also you know add the taxes to it they're like we're already the tax people and people hate taxes and people hate mondays and we've all read garfield let's just do it on the 18th you know what let's not charge any taxes let's send

out free lasagna oh man i had some lasagna yesterday at the um there's this little italian restaurant across the street from the hotel and it had terrible reviews on yelp but i was like it was raining torrentially last night and i was for some reason i started craving lasagna and i thought i don't even care if this place is bad even some bad lasagna and if they'll make it you know sans meat which they did thankfully have that option i was like i just need for some reason i was like i want some comfort food and lasagna sounded like just the thing and i went over there and can i tell you andrew it was one of the best italian meals i've had in like forever well let's

let's slow down here for a second i mean there's when you say it's an italian place that could cover all kinds of things you know like a kind of a fast casual it was your independent guy

luigi who owns it just an italian fella but no i mean you know it could be the type of place that

is like kind of a slapdash quick lunchy kind of italian place or is it a is it a nicer place is it a more of a hip place is it long not established like kind of fancy place that's like almost from a different era, like that 90s Italian, somewhat fancy, quasi-fancy place in the Roosevelt District, Vives and I would sometimes darken the door of?

No, it's sort of in between all of those things. It's not like a, so there's an Italian place, a legendary Italian place here in L.A. called Dantana's, which, by the way, has truly awful food, but it's really fun. It's on Sunset, and, you know, George Clooney goes there or whatever. Last time I was there, there was somebody from Stranger Things eating there, and it's near a different hotel that I stay at. So that's Dantana's. That's kind of red, you know, vinyl banquettes or whatever. Then you have your upscale Italian. Then you have your, like, really just sort of, I don't know, throw some spaghetti noodles down and throw some marinara on it, kind of low-rent Italian. This was somehow in between all of those different things. But what I liked about it, I think probably why it had bad reviews on Yelp was because maybe they over-salt things, but guess what? I over salt things and everything was seasoned exactly to my, to my liking. But more, more interestingly, I was, there was only two people dining in me and a different couple. And this was a couple probably in their mid eighties, late eighties. And I just thought it was cute that they were going out for dinner. This couple that's been married probably, you know, since the 1960s or something. And then I listened to their conversation. I realized they were on their second date and it was the most adorable thing i've ever heard the guy opened with do you remember the first story that you read or someone read to you about the sea she's louise and then she was like yes and then she started talking about something in the like you know new york observer something that doesn't even exist anymore as a publication and they were just going back and forth and making each other laugh now i will also mention that when you're on a date in your 80s every single interaction starts with huh yeah right so it was like one of them would say something the other person would go huh and then the other person would repeat it slightly more loudly and then they would have they were just having this great engaged conversation where they were like cracking each other up and just enjoying themselves the one thing that seemed like a bummer was the woman uh was was disappointed that she couldn't eat as much as she used to and She said something that really chilled me to my core as I was finishing this giant mound of lasagna. She goes, I used to love eating. Oh. She was like, I just can't eat. Like, she was apologizing to the waiter. She was apologizing. I'm guessing the guy was paying. Like, because she just apparently couldn't consume as much food as she used to. But she was like, I used to love eating. And it made me feel like I should really enjoy the fact that right now I also love eating. and i can really put you know i have a complicated relationship with food and my weight and things like that but like it made me think about a point in my life where i won't be able to just eat as much lasagna uh you know hold the uh whatever hold the ground beef as i as i could last night

and anyway it was just adorable these two older people on this date and the food was so great and then i timed it perfect so i i walked over there in between atmospheric rivers and then i mean And maybe the hardest rain I have seen in years in any place I've been came down while I was eating. And then it stopped just long enough for me to come back to the hotel. So everything worked out.

Well, what's the first book about the sea or story about the sea that you read or somebody read to you?

Well, let me tell you this. They got into Horatio Hornblower. He goes, well, and then, of course, there was Hornblower. And I was so tempted to turn around and go, my dad used to read me Horatio Hornblower. but i didn't i you know i didn't want to salt the guy's game i didn't want to yeah no you do that would really like mr steal your man is here with his horatio hornblower

stories if you're in a restaurant and you're having a conversation like that and people are around you like there's always an understanding that people might hear you but if especially if you're on a date like that the fact that Thank you.

You know that the person who's sitting nearby and by themselves is listening to every word at your table. Or you could make that assumption. That would be a real chill. I never read Horatio Hornblower. I'm trying to think. I think mine might be Voyage of the Dawn Treader. Would that count? A little C.S. Lewis. Because that was in the Narnia series. But I feel like there must have been something before. Like, I must, there must have been some Sesame Street book where Grover took to the high seas or something, right? Like, I just, I can't think of anything. I kind of love that as a, I kind of hate that as a, as a question somebody would ask me on a date. I don't know why. Like, it seems somewhat, I mean, for them it sounds perfect and I hope they're happy together.

It was interesting because it was totally, it didn't seem to be apropos of anything else they'd been talking about. And it wasn't like they sat down and he just deployed this as an icebreaker. Yeah. Actually the first thing she said was You're missing your show And he goes it's fine And then he said something like damn Google And then I wrote a whole story in my head that like He had Googled the wrong time Also what was his show at like 5.30 which is when we were eating

Yeah It was alone probably Then you wouldn't have been able to help yourself Then you would have just spun around

I am hearing from people by the way Fellow alone stans There are dozens of us Yeah I got a voicemail

I don't know if I have time for it today Because I had some other things I want to play for you But soon I want to play for you a voicemail from a listener Who has some questions for you about your watching of Alone Because she's way into it too

I would absolutely love to answer those questions Anyway, it was very cute It both gave me hope for what my life I don't, you know, ideally I wouldn't Well, I don't know I don't know what my life is going to look like in my 80s But to see two people who are out on a date On like probably a second date Again, I sort of guessed that based on they did have a certain level of familiarity she knew that he was missing his show but they were also asking like icebreaker questions and they were they were kind of filling she had been a teacher in the northeast and she was telling him about it they were trading enough information that i knew they weren't like you know married they didn't know all the stories about each other yet and i just thought it's really heartwarming and um kind of life affirming that that goes on And also, I should appreciate the fact that I currently love to eat.

Yes. No, no joke like that. You saying that really that lodges in my brain as well. Like those little those little moments of accidental perspective, I think, go a really, really long way with me. That's also interesting. Yeah.

That's a great Cheryl Stray book, by the way. Little moments of accidental perspective. Hey, that's hey, Cheryl.

Number one on the New York Times bestseller list. Ten weeks in a row. That's a mine. um but yeah like i always am a bit enamored by the older people i will see like couples who i get the i never know for sure but i get the impression that they're they've been together for a long long time and they're eating together in a diner or a restaurant or something along those lines and you know i that always kind of gives me a warm feeling i think i even brought it up on the show recently sometimes it gives me sometimes it puts me on edge a little bit because you'll see them and you'll want to make all these really nice assumptions and then they you overhear them and they're like kind of like they they're one of those couples and you don't have to be old to do this by the way i know younger couples who are like this as well but where like they're around each other so much that every sentence has an edge of irritation to it when they talk to each other you know what i mean it's really hard for me to be around couples like that um like even though i don't think that they hear it i'm i'm thinking of a couple of couples that i know personally um or ex-couples i guess where they don't even realize that they when they're talking about each other no um but um i uh just like do you know what i'm talking about i feel like i'm babbling maybe i'm trying to be too careful here but like there are the couples who i don't even think that they're actually irritated with each other but it's just their communication style is just like you're you're you're dipping your sleeve in the soup like i could say that's a genevieve like oops you're dipping your sleeve in your suit you know what i mean like that's that can be a caring thing as well but it's like you're dipping your sleeve in your suit ah god damn it like it just

right like i don't know and then it bums me out and brusque yeah you know it's actually really funny i don't know how why how and why this show is i guess if you bring up i sent you a picture of the couple by the way um which i surreptitiously took a picture of them great and i mean we probably i we probably can't use it for a show pick because they didn't realize they were being photograph but like i don't know if you can see it but how cute are those two oh yeah very cute yeah um but but it's interesting how the reason this is getting deep now is because like you and i think are very similar in that tone how much tone matters to us like tone is so huge for me like i don't i'm not able to understand people who can be talked to brusquely like you're saying kind of just like just transmitting the information but doing without any thought for like oh how's this sounding to the person like somebody's sleeve can be getting in the soup and you're exactly right you can either say oh hey your your sleeves in the soup or oh watch that you can do that or you can be like your sleeves in the soup i've gotten divorced over one comment like that like your sleeves in the soup okay this is i can't do this this isn't working it's so it's it's so jarring to me if someone is just giving me the information but not taking an extra four seconds to go like how do I tee this up for Luke and I again I'm not I'm not saying you're quite as extreme as I am but I think you and I are similar in that way that like

tone really matters yeah the thing I'm thinking of right now I think I might have even told you a piece of the story before I several weeks ago I was having lunch by myself in this diner I used to go to in the Ravenna neighborhood there's not a lot to like it's it's funny it's like I wouldn't tell somebody oh you gotta go to this diner it's great i'm not going to give the name either because i don't need to i don't need to bash them i like i i like them i like the people who run it it's a small uh business i think this is their only restaurant it's like i like their booths or booths depending on how you say that like they're just good almost like seinfeld-y kind of booths um yes right exactly and so i just like going in there usually on the occasion that i can go in there it's usually kind of late afternoon like after i've posted tbtl but they close at three so i'll be going in there for maybe like a two o'clock lunch of steak and eggs which they make really really good steak and eggs i know that's not up your alley but um very uh garlicy if uh which was kind of surprising but very good oh you're a little bit off on garlic right like

you're a little bit worried no i love garlic if i ever yeah if i was ever on for me the dream would be so this starts with a bad dream and then it ends with a good dream which is the bad part of it is i'm marooned on an island that's the bad part yeah the good part is there's unlimited heavily garliced food and that's what i'm eating and that's great news because if if there were no implications between breath and other things related to garlic i would just eat everything i would i would order extra garlic on everything because i love it but i'm extremely sensitive to smelling it on the breath or emanating from people and so it causes me to kind of aver hmm well anyway

I went in there for my

point is we're not making out anytime soon

I was writing that down I got

your message I heard it that's bad programming by me because a lot of the interest in the show is will they or won't they and I just kind of laid it out

yeah exactly well there go the ratings there's something about when I go into this place though i i feel like the old man that is inside me you know um because by the way rapidly

emerging from you i mean that's well i've always i feel like and i don't mean this i think i said

this in the show recently i don't mean this as like oh he's an old soul like there's a certain way of sort of complimenting somebody when you say they're an old soul i don't mean that i don't have like any i don't claim to have any kind of wisdom or as we discussed yesterday like calming presence that an older person or presence might have it's just that i never liked going out i've always been cranky like that's basically it so i've always been like kind of like 40 years older than i actually am in that way and now that i'm actually in my 40s there's nothing i like more than going to get steak and eggs at a diner around two o'clock and calling that my dinner and maybe reading a physical newspaper when i'm there you know like this is very much that kind of place and you go in and you see other old people who are actually in the bodies of of that age as well and there was this couple that was sitting directly behind me and i'm going to put them about the same age as this couple that you're describing Luke this couple though you really get the impression that they were together for a long time and I think I told you this part the very first words I hear is the woman is reading the newspaper and she just says he says he's an anti woke politician oh right pause whatever that means and I still don't know exactly where this woman falls on the political spectrum but I was glad to hear that she wasn't buying that that it wasn't right that i wasn't going to be sitting next to this couple that was going to be talking about like finally an anti-woke politician or whatever but then it goes silent for a long time after that and then the the server comes by to like refill their coffee or something again they're right at the table like i'm my back is basically up against the fella's back right and the woman's like oh are you trying to grab something and i sort of pick up from context clues that they've dropped something under the table and they're trying to get it she's like oh here let me help and then the woman is completely ignoring the server who's trying to help and she's just like barking at her husband i assume husband uh it's under your foot no it's under your foot carl car and i'm just like and again i don't think they were fighting i just think it was probably 50 years together and And what, I don't know, it was probably just their tone. Totally. And there are also people who could be 20 and unbothered by that kind of, that sort of way of talking to each other. And like, again, I don't know if I'm envious of those people or not. I'm not. I mean, and yet I'm so sensitive. I mean, I really have I really have had relationships come to an end over a series of things like that, where it's like just the slightly wrong tone that it just it makes me feel so alone and scared in the world, as my therapist might say. But then there are other people that just it doesn't bother them. It's just information being transmitted. It doesn't feel like a deeply personal wound. And on some level, I mean, I would I don't want to live in a relationship like that. And thankfully, I'm not in that at all. But I also I'm a little envious of people that are not so sensitive the way that I am

I guess but I mean is there literally anything more important in a relationship than being On the same page about how you communicate I don't I don't think so and people can if We ever get there the show is going to really take off Luke I was talking it's under your Foot Andrew no the other foot I can't even joke I can't even joke like that joking like That with you gives me the bad feeling I'm not kidding I'm not kidding

okay sorry i'm sorry no no no i mean i assume that you're the same way you're probably the

same way right like sometimes like even joking around with genevieve like that because we don't talk that way to each other but then if you like put on that hat just for a second like in a total joking way even joking like hearing it come out sometimes will kind of bum me out a little bit not that i not that i play that character a lot but like on the occasion that i do something like that i'm like oh i was joking but i feel bad right it's like i don't want to wear that mask

too long because it'll start to fit as we sometimes say on the show all right uh we should take a break but i actually i really want to play this tape for you when we come back uh because mostly because it took me like an hour yesterday to take out all of the swears so i've got a lot of time invested in this um so uh when we come back we'll hear some interesting audio here on tbtl

on your mark on your mark get set get set now ready ready go everybody rattle

hey there let's thank some dazzling donors these wonderful generous folks are supporting the program with their monthly donation and it is how we are able to do this day in and day out And I'm talking about Kim Anderson. There is some kind of, I assume, some sort of input where one can list how their name is pronounced. Because sometimes we get names that we're not familiar with or we are familiar with and still choose to mispronounce. Kim's name is pronounced Mom of Kid Who Peed in Display Toilet. Oh, I remember that. That was like at a Lowe's or something?

I think so. But, yeah, that's definitely what got us on the topic was why the toilets are kind of up off the ground or at an angle because kids will go in there and people see a toilet. See a toilet, use a toilet.

Uh-huh.

Right.

See a toilet, take a toilet, leave a toilet. See toilet, say toilet. If you see a toilet, say a toilet. Wait, I just said the same thing you did.

No, but.

But in a less good way. Kim is in Seattle, Washington and says, okay, here goes. Luke and Andrew, you've built a wonderful thing. Be proud of it. Well, I don't know if you've heard the show, Kim, but that's something that we struggle with. The community of fans that has come together in support of this show is remarkable. I would agree with that 100%. And I'm so happy that a surprise windfall allowed me to be a dazzling donor this year. Was that the settlement after your kid fell into that toilet at the Home Depot?

Thank you. Maybe it was bingo winnings. Genevieve and I have some large purchases to make in the near future. and the accumulating pot at our Eagles Club for the monthly bingo challenge. There's bingo night every month and there's various financial or money prizes you can win, but there's one that's been building up month after month after month and it's up to, I don't know, $1,500, $1,600 now or something. And Genevieve is honestly financial planning based on us winning that and then buying the appliances that we need to win.

Every time I think Genevieve and I couldn't be more similar.

She's like, no, really. I'm joking with her. I'm just like, hey, listen, let's not make that our financial plan. She's like, I know, but also I really do think we should invest in some extra blackout cards for this coming one. I'm just like, yeah, but everybody's going to be doing that. Like, that's how it works. That's the way odds work. Yes.

Has she ever said that cash could get me out of a couple of chinos?

as i'm literally jamming myself between our current dryer and the wall i need to walk past right that is the jam that that money will get me out of when we're able to buy a stacked unit

anyway kim apparently cleaned up at a bingo at some sort of area to go and said

The windfall allowed her to be a dazzling Donner this year thank you for your good heartedness And relatability and for keeping Me company on my nightly dog walks Her name is Callie and she Is a good girl of course Kim would like to emphasize Listening to you talk about your lives makes me feel Less anxious about my own That's something That that's a service I provide If you think your life has got some real If you're feeling anxious about your life just listen To this show for two weeks and hear the crap that i get up to and it should be it should be a certain uh sort of calming um effect sheepish plug this is from kim again i wrote a book that was published by a tiny press in december i won a contest god everything's coming up kim yeah i wonder if those two things are related she won a contest to to publish her book and i'm looking for tens of readers who might enjoy it if a dark literary-ish mystery slash domestic drama with a flawed female protagonist and a husband with too many secrets sounds appealing to you. Yes, it does, Kim. Find out more at my author website, which is klandersonauthor.com. That's the letter K, the letter L, Anderson, and then the word author.com. The book title is...

Can I mention that Anderson is spelled with an O? because sometimes Anderson is spelled S-E-N. It's Anderson.

Oh, sure, the more Scandahoovian version. Yes, this is the one with an O in it. Thank you. The title of the book is But First You Need a Plan, and it's written by K.L. Anderson. Nice, I'm going to look that up. A.K. our friend Kim. Absolutely. Power out. Kim, thank you very much for supporting the show. Congrats on your windfall. Congrats on getting your book published, and thank you. Maestro?

On your mark. On your mark. Get set. Get set. Now ready. Ready. Go. Everybody rattle, saddle.

Well, looky here. It's one Sarah Nichols-Smith. Hey. In Seattle, Washington. I believe you and Veeves know Sarah a bit. My buddy, my business partner, my guiding light. Hi, Sarah. Thank you. Sarah's in Seattle, Washington. A word from your realtor. a word from your podcast host about the word realtor it's not realtor i just want to let everyone know just want to make sure that we've clarified that it's not realtor and and sarah of course as a realtor knows this but i just thought i would take the opportunity to be pedantic a word from your realtor i'd like to use this time to give everyone in the tens community a blanket permission slip to attend any open house you want there's no need to feel like you can't come in because you're not looking to buy we love looky loos love them especially neighbors coming in and giving us all the gossip and insights into a neighborhood that we can then pass off to other people it's research for us all we ask is you don't stay past the close time and don't stink up the bathroom and do let us talk to potential buyers who come through i absolutely promise you it's okay to visit i think andrew probably the like third or fourth best story i've ever told on this show involved Vanessa and I pretend attending an open house of the house will not pretend attending attending the open house of the house that we'd actually already closed on or had our offer accepted and wherein we we came up with made up names you remember

this story right I don't know that I do because having just gone through the process I feel like the people like any realtor at the house would recognize you did you wear fake mustaches

and noses it was i had not been in seattle for very long and i mean i was just hosting a tbtl this night you know nighttime am radio show that that was a fairly boutique offering and what happened was i saw this house and um put an offer in and they accepted the offer so it was more or us mine and vanessa's house to purchase but they said we're still going to go forward with the open house that's scheduled for this weekend you know because like backup offers or whatever and so i thought well let's go to the open house and just kind of like get some intel let's just hear what people are saying let's hear what's you know being whispered on the wind and um so i i i said but we have to have but they know that like somebody named luke and somebody named vanessa are the Like the real estate agent would know that someone named Luke and someone named Vanessa have put in an offer and it's been accepted. So we can't say we're Luke and Vanessa. That's going to be a dead giveaway. So we had to come up with names. And for some reason, I decided my name would be Casper. And I forget now what Van's name was, but we had these made up names. And we come in and we introduce ourselves to the real estate agent who is representing the seller.

And I say, I'm Casper. I think she said Gwendolyn. I think her name was Gwendolyn. Nothing suspicious.

You guys are great at blending in.

Casper and Gwendolyn. And it was working until somebody walks in. And I cannot tell you, Andrew, at this time, how rare it was for any person on earth to know who I was. Now, maybe in Seattle, because, you know, TBTL has been on for a long time and Livewire and CBS, maybe it happens on occasion. But at this time, I was such an anonymous person in Seattle. and a person walks into this house and goes oh you're luke burbank and the look on the face of the real estate agent who had obviously seen my name on the offer that was accepted by their client me a person who was now introducing myself as casper because basically i wanted to hear what i wanted to hear was i want to hear someone say boy this house is really underpriced or this house is really overpriced i wanted to hear something that was being said in an unguarded moment that they wouldn't have said if they'd known that we were the people who had bought the house right or had had our offer accepted but what instead happened was we introduced ourselves as Casper and Gwendolyn and then about four minutes later and I was asking her oh so um do you think this house is fairly personal I'm like really in this character of a guy who's looking at this house and then somebody walks in and goes oh hey you're Luke Burbank and the real estate agent just looked at me like you're the person whose offer has been accepted and I look for Van she's already outside of the house she is like a there's like a cartoon cloud of dust behind her she is out of the house down those stairs which you know well down the big stairs she was gone she was not sticking around for me trying to explain to the real estate agent that yeah i am the person who actually has put an offer and i just wanted to kind of see the house and hear what people were saying

now is it you know for a fact that this person realized that is the name that is connected to the offer did this so they they they asked you about it what did they say they looked at me with

great confusion and they said are you the person who put the offer in and i said yes i am that

casper i see oh yeah because you'd be working with a a buyer's agent and this is the seller's agent so yeah like i guess i wouldn't know what the person who was selling our house looked like

yeah so i guess that that makes but i'm saying yeah and the agent had you know in accepting an offer on behalf of their client they at some point in the paperwork they see you know the names of the people who are putting the offer in and and so and you know it's luke barank is i guess a distinctive enough name as was vanessa's that although nobody said oh are you vanessa so it was really this was all kind of on me i looked right i really looked like the psychopath in the situation anyway sarah's point is you should do this you should go into open houses even of homes you've already purchased it's fine just don't stink up the bathroom there is a home

in our neighborhood that and I pass all the time that has been empty for a long time and we weren't sure what the deal was with it and Genevieve who's constantly looking at Redfin and those types of sites says hey look that house went up for sale I was like let's do this I don't think we can this weekend I don't know when the open house is but I 100% want to attend the open house of this place because I want to see what's going on inside it's funny like the way they've staged it it's like it's a house that could appeal to somebody with like kind of you know modern sensibilities but also it hasn't been kept up in that way so there's all this mid-century modern like staging involved but also there's wallpaper in the kitchen that is like kind of not that style i can't explain it so anyway i definitely want to go into this place it looks like they they have created a real rumpus room in the basement with like a staged um like foosball table i don't like foosball that's i'm not gonna buy the house because i don't like foosball that much but um yeah i'm definitely excited to look at the inside of this place that's kind of unlike me i'm not usually curious about the insides of buildings so much but we pass it on our walks all the time i'm just like yeah i want to see what's in there kick the tires a bit why is it on tires

it's a privilege to you know be in a position where you can buy a home but one of the most fun parts of it is then yeah basically scoping every other house in the neighborhood to see again if like if you think your house is is nicer than the house or less nice and where you stand in terms of your investment, et cetera. Like, I'm a big looky-loo. Now, Sarah also says, this is back to Sarah Nichols-Smith, by the way, our second dazzling donor. For actual important matters, the real estate industry has a deplorable background of contributing to the racial inequity in this country. So I'd like to draw attention to three amazing Pacific Northwest organizations that help with housing support. There's Bird Bar Place in Central Seattle. Sometimes you eat the bird. Sometimes the bar place in Central Seattle eats you. By the way, it's spelled B-Y-R-D-B-A-R-R, Bird Bar Place in Central Seattle. Compass Housing Alliance in Seattle. I've actually heard of that place.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And Taking Ownership PDX. Each org does include...

incredible work for underserved folks. So there you go. A shout out from dazzling donor, Sarah. Thanks to Sarah and Kim for supporting the show. We would not be here without you.

Here I go once again with the email. Every week, I hope that it's from a female. Oh, man, it's not from a female.

You see what I did there? Um, no. I'm playing the email sounds and not the top story sounds. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, my brain just slipped on that. Because this audio that I want to play for you, it by itself is like five minutes. I need to stop it every three seconds and explain who's doing what. So I think if we were to jump into that right now, we'd end up going pretty long on today's show. And I am soon to be departing to go interview one Juliette Lewis, who I was celebrating Juliette Lewis's acting catalog yesterday and was shocked at how many. incredible pivotal roles juliette lewis has played over her career it's pretty incredible

what was the um i sent you a youtube strange days was that it strange days it was some movie that it was a trailer that i saw on bigelow by the way that i uh that i stumbled on on one of my vhs tapes that um i then digitized uploaded to youtube and then i stumbled on it yesterday and i i saw her face i was like oh maybe you need this for research purposes so i did i added it into one of my

questions i was i was thinking i want to try to describe the as if i need to describe to juliet lewis her the movie she's been in but i was writing out all my questions and i was the question i think was like well i have them they're right over there i could grab it hold on okay so i was trying to describe how the variety of sorts of films that juliet lewis has been in And I said, let's see here Oh, you've been in so many movies that are Iconic to different audiences Natural Born Killers Gilbert Grape She's in What's Eating Gilbert Grape And then Strange Days Which I wouldn't have even realized she was in Other than you sending me that video

Is that an iconic movie? I don't know anything about it

I think for its time it was And also it's just an interesting The way it's shot There's a lot of special effects It's this, you know, I think it's like a futuristic sort of film. Anyway, I added it to the list because of you, Andrew. So just know you're going to be there with me in spirit when I'm talking to her.

Well, I want to be with you in the credits when the money is being pulled out. Absolutely. Move over, Jane Pauly. Yeah, that's right. Okay, I have a bunch of good stuff. Let me ask you this. Do you think there's a time and a place on our show to play two voicemails about cremation? This might be the time and the place. Burial, because there are two voicemails. They're both kind of substantial, so I don't want to keep you long. But it's also a very dark topic, actually. But it's just that our conversation about caskets and coffins the other day, which I don't know if there's a difference there. I just like to list things. You know what?

I think there is, it didn't come up when I was interviewing those casket folks, but what I noticed was, no one's calling it a coffin. No one in the industry. It seems like darker, right? Whereas on the, I think you should leave, they call it coffin flops, because it's a funnier, darker word. But nobody in the industry wants to call it a coffin, because for some reason our brain hears coffin and thinks bad, our brain hears casket and thinks regal.

Well, let's just do this now, because I was listening to these voicemails this morning, and And I was a little anxious because they're both, I mean, they're about death and they're about bodies. I mean, in both of these. So I guess I'll give like maybe a little bit of a legitimate, if this topic is a little dark for you, where you are right now. Maybe these aren't the voicemails for you, a warning given. But we're going to start with our pale Jamie over there on the East Coast. And this involves cremation. And again, goes into some detail here. Take a listen.

Hello, friendos. This is listener Jamie from Columbia, Maryland. and all your talk of funerals today made me want to tell you about back in the day when I was a young environmental professional working in a consulting firm. And one of my jobs was to calculate the emissions from crematoriums. I know that sounds pretty bleak, but it's even worse than you think because what they would do is these crematoriums would send me these lists of, for each month of the year, who was cremated, how tall they were, how much they weighed, and how long it took for them to burn to completion. So what I would do is I would add up all the time that they were, you know, using fossil fuels to burn people, and then I would calculate the emissions from that. But it would be weird. It would be like... Steve Smith, 6 feet, 240 pounds, 6 hours. So I got, you know, like one of the, I guess, side benefits of me doing this job is that now I have a great party trick because I can go to anywhere and see any person and pretty much know how long it's going to take them to be cremated. So, yeah, I have a good time at a party or an event. So if you want to hire me to, you know, calculate cremation times for your friends and family, I'm available, so just let me know. Power out.

That is a dark twist on the fairground.

I'm surprised height is as big a factor as I would think, like, oiliness of skin, you know, sort of thickness. And I mean that not just in terms of weight, but just kind of, like, density. I would think that there would be a lot of factors, not just height.

Well, she also said weight. So I think weight takes care of some of that density stuff, I guess, especially when you have them both. I also sort of assume that the what do they what is the word they use in sports when they talk about like a soft tissue? I assume that the soft tissue is taken care of pretty quickly during the process where it's, you know, maybe the bones and stuff. Although, who am I? The bones are their money. I know, Jamie. So the bones are their money. I think is that what they pull the hair up, but not out. Is that what happened to Silicon Valley Bank by any chance? Did anybody look into that? That is exactly what happened. Now, what were they doing with the Worms? Now, this next story is, again... I didn't find that to be overly dark, by the way.

Maybe because it turns out I am CBS's death correspondent. I've now done a story about the funeral industry and sort of rethinking it. I've done a story about cemetery plots in Los Angeles, which are, by the foot, the most expensive real estate in L.A., and now I'm working on this thing about coffins.

Yeah, and you know I wasn't offended Or put off by that either I wanted to share it, I thought it was interesting But sometimes I just don't know where somebody is When they're listening to this, you know what I mean If it's somebody who's grieving right now Letting folks know what we're talking about They're having to make decisions In their own life That maybe that's going to hit them in a different way Than it's going to hit us So speaking of, here's a story from Maggie from the middle shelf here This is her sort of retelling a tale that I will admit is somewhat hard to believe. This is like the kind of story that somebody tells you at a bar and you're like, I don't know how much of this I believe, but I am here for it completely. And I'm not saying that to say that anybody is lying in this story. It is just incredible. It is just unbelievable. Take a listen to this.

Hey, dummy. I was just listening to your story about caskets. And I remember that about a month ago, a friend of mine was telling me their brothers and they were telling me how their father wanted to be buried by a tree in their yard so when he died they went ahead and they dug up a big old hole and they buried their dad and this was just like five years ago I think and um in Issaquah or or, you know, somewhere in Newport Hill or something. Anyways, the city found out somehow that they had buried their father, and they said, you can't do that. You have to dig him up and do something else. Figure something else out. And I think it had been, oh, gosh, maybe three months since they had buried him. And so they had to go and dig him up. It was a dark and stormy night, raining. and you know how it is around here they're digging and as quickly as they can dig the mud is sliding into the hole so they're sweating and digging and sweating and they finally get to his body their father's body for crying out loud and they have to pull him out and he's just he's a big man they're all six foot something I think he was six foot seven anyways they dug him up and they got him out it took hours though Do not bury your father in Bellevue Power out

That is a good power out, by the way Wait, so if the city finds out that you illegally buried somebody They're just like, you need to dig them up yourself I sort of feel like authorities would be involved Like official digger uppers

I also think you should be allowed to bury your kin in your yard if you want Don't you think?

my heart says yes but my brain understands all the reasons why you couldn't do that like for and then you know you you sell the property three months later potentially and the the buyers now don't know that

You know, a body has been buried in the backyard and there must be all kinds of regulations about there should be rules around it.

But I feel like if you meet the I mean, I think a human body properly buried under the dirt is probably I guess I don't you think as CBS's death correspondent, you think I would know this and I don't. I feel like it's can't be that bad for the, you know, like water table or whatever, if it's done right. Like there should be rules like you should have to get a permit from, you know, the local municipality. And there should be some rules that are followed, like if you were putting in a new, you know, sewer line to your house or anything like that. But it just seems like if you bought a piece of property, if you own a piece of property and somebody wants to be under the ground in that property, it just seems like you should be allowed to do that to me.

Yeah. I mean, if it was regulated and you went through the proper steps, that would be that would be ideal, especially if you're living somewhere. If you've lived your life out on a, you know, a piece of property that is meaningful to you and your family and you can do it. Like, I mean, that sounds absolutely ideal. I would also just say I would bury me under my pickleball cords. What I say.

I would I would simply not tell the city if you want me to bury you under your pickleball court. I'm happy to do it, Andrew. And I will not I will not let the city of Seattle know you're down there.

Well, I mean, there's so many questions like what like how did the city find out about this? Like, did somebody talk?

Why didn't they run a backhoe for getting him up? Also, why did they do it on a rainy night? Right. I can hear the lightning that was happening. Did any of the neighbors see this horrific scene as the lightning occasionally illuminated the entire yard? Just two brothers covered in mud pulling a human body out of the ground.

Oh, we got to watch the burbs tonight. Everybody watch the burbs tonight. bury the burbs tonight yes yes when things are revealed just in a crack of lightning love it love it anyway that was our voicemails by the way yeah good i'm glad that you guys enjoyed that i just wanted to make sure that i wasn't taking it and again it was something we talked about somewhat recently i know that we don't usually do voicemails on thursdays but maybe we can work it into the show tomorrow we got a voicemail here from listener brie with an astounding story of daring do and nudity inspired by your story yesterday being trapped outside of your

hotel room in skivvies so it didn't almost happen this morning but i was within i was basically getting something and uh i realized like oh if i step out of this door it's i i don't want to overstate it and say that it almost happened again but it was too close to almost happening again this morning for my and what you said yesterday rang through my ears which was they got to have a better system here it's far too easy for that to happen i thought you're going to say

what rang through your ears was me saying is this going to change your behavior in any way again not that it should be i mean this sounds like i mean it did in that i didn't do it but

the fact that i could have imagined a universe where if i did one thing different it happened again made me think yeah this is not a great system yeah it sounds like a terrible system

And we got some, like, emails and, like, just text messages from, like, listeners who are just beyond themselves with anger about the way that thing was designed. And I'm with them.

Thank you. I feel very – I feel seen and defended by the listeners, which is pretty much why we started this show, so we can feel seen and defended by them. So, all right. That's going to do it for today's episode of the program. But we are going to be right back here tomorrow with more imaginary radio for you. So please do join us for that. In the meantime, have a great Wednesday. Take care of yourselves. And please remember, in a mountain too tall. And good luck to all.

What's up, Joe? Let the fun begin. That's a two-year-old. This song goes out to all the coffee lovers of the world.

Power out.