Muse

I need a little treat for the gang, something to win their affections back.

Back? Why is that, Michael?

Well, I ran down Meredith in my car. Oh, did you do this on purpose? No, I was being negligent. But she's in the hospital, she's fine, recovering nicely, tiny little crack in her pelvis, but she will be up... Did this happen on company property? Yes. It was on company property with company property, so double jeopardy. We are fine.

I don't think you understand. How Jeopardy works.

Oh, right. I'm sorry. What is We're Fine?

TBTL! Before we go any further, I need to know if there are any hidden recording devices in the room. I will find out if there are. I'm sure you would, but there's none, because that would be stupid of us and we're not stupid. Silly move. It's a no.

Well, that should take care of those two evil geniuses for a while. I hope that they've learned their lessons, that computers are built by people, for people, to help people, not to control us. Isn't that for techno geeks with spreadsheets?

www.this and www.that. Let's www.explain it.

I just might have tacos tonight. It's in material.

All right, hello, good morning, and welcome everyone to a Tuesday edition of TBTL, the show. just might be too beautiful to live too beautiful to live don't miss the sausage fest there you go my name is luke burbank i am your host here on the ones and twos playing these audio drops very professionally um coming to you by the way from the hollywood broadcast center right here

in portland oregon i never said i lived in the hood i said i come from the rough where uh we

are looking at some nice weather finally dry mostly sunny getting into the 60s or 70s today oh ma pa it's just beautiful i woke up today and the i'm not kidding the air smelled different even though really what it smelled like was it was warmer which i know is a temperature Not a scent. But I swear the air smelled warmer. If that can be a thing. It felt like it was a thing this morning. Here's another thing. Episode 3930 in a collector's series.

Let the fun begin.

Where we find ourselves on this Tuesday. And Matthew Perry is apologizing to Keanu Reeves. Sorry, everybody close your ears for being mean to him in his book for reasons that are still confusing. I think to everyone, maybe including Matthew Perry. Also, you have from this moment we're recording this show, I don't know, 30 hours maybe to use your big blue coupons from bed, bath and beyond.

For me, a bathroom is just a library with a cold seat.

They have announced that they are winding down bed, bath and beyond. And if you want to use those coupons, you got to you got to get out there today, probably or tomorrow. So just a little news you can use a little public service announcement here on. We'll also talk about how this particular article from The New York Times references a physical location in New York City that is critical to the story of Luke Burbank. And in fact, to the story of TV TL, I'm not even kidding. So that's coming up. Also, I am in a pitched battle and I'm going to be honest with you. I'm losing a battle with United Parcel Service. I don't think I've been this frustrated with a customer service situation since, well, I can remember.

It's just so frustrating. I want to be in Florida getting a tan on my back.

I'm really going to actively work to not have this thing that's going on with me and UPS be a one to two hour conversation on the show. We have other more interesting things to discuss, but I need to process this with my good friend Andrew Walsh, the longest running co-bro of the show, maybe best known for his depictions of the tall ships. I know that he is going to give me his honest response to my dilemma because to me he is an innocent champion of honesty. And he's joining me right now.

Good morning, my friend. Good morning. I do want to hear about the UPS story. I promised you before the show that I would not get us too far off track, or at least I implied that. But I just have one little public service announcement for the listeners who use the iPhone or Android app Instagram.

Okay.

If Instagram ever feeds you an ad for a tiny little rechargeable light that looks a little bit like a mushroom, click on that ad, my friends. Oh, wow.

with it this is a is this a unsolicited plug for whoever makes this mushroom light no it's a plug

for what's going to happen to your feed after you do that because i did that a couple of days ago and my feed every ad in my feed my the ads whatever algorithm was pushing the ad through my feed has really lost any kind of center right like it was like i don't know some home repair related stuff i think it thought i was genevieve basically because we share the the wi-fi it was just like it was pretty random the stuff i was getting um and every now and then i'll try to trick it into serving me up ads that i think are more interesting and it'd been a while since i'd done that anyway i click on this little it was like a very warm little light that was like the type of thing you'd set on your desk and it really did did intrigue me i'm like oh that's an interesting little thing how does it how is it powered that was my thought so i clicked on it it's rechargeable usbc or something anyway for the past three or four days i am just getting the the weirdest like weirder and weirder mini lamps like little like almost like Hummel figurines that look like they're blowing bubbles but the bubbles are bulbs uh astronauts with fishing poles sitting on top of light spheres all of these are mini little lamps I'll send you a cute today look I'll send you a bunch we don't have to talk about it anymore I'm done I'm just saying that like if you see this lamp click on it and then keep on engaging with everything that comes after because you're just going to keep on getting weirder and weirder lamps, stuff that you didn't even know existed. It's delightful.

It's interesting how divergent the algorithm that I'm currently riding, the algorithmic wave that I'm riding on my Instagram.com feed versus yours, you're getting little fairies, and I'm spelling that in that sort of F-A-E-R-I-E-S kind of world. Right, exactly. You've entered fairy world of impossibly cute little things. And I started following an architecture feed about brutalism architecture called Brute Builds. Oh, you like brutalism? Well, not really. But every once in a while, a sort of brutalist project is actually pretty interesting. Just in the – you know, I wonder how is it powered? It turns out it's a USB-C. But, like, there's the occasional sort of brutalist project. And if you're not familiar with this term, it's a kind of architecture that I think started in, like, Eastern Europe and was pretty big in the, like, late 70s, early 80s. If you go to the UW campus, University of Washington, they have all these old, unbelievably gorgeous buildings that were built, you know, maybe the early 1900s and stuff. And then there's just these random ones that are a giant cement shell, like Schmitz Hall, where all the financial aid is dispersed from, and a couple of the other buildings are really kind of rough. It's just poured concrete. It's not about letting light in, et cetera. But I decided I saw one interesting brute build, and so I hit OK on it. And now all I get is brutalist architecture, which couldn't be more different than your fairy journey.

Which I just sent you a whole bunch. We don't have to have you review them on the air, but maybe after the show. I just sent you a sampling of the ones I took screenshots of.

Oh, my gosh.

Are you looking now?

I mean, honestly, some of them are bordering on hentai.

Well, I don't know about that.

I'm having weird feelings about some of these lamps because they're so cute.

Yeah, some of them are in the shape of little humanoids, sort of. It's a very strange journey I've been on.

Yeah, but they kind of anime-ish meet something else. They're adorbs. There's one that's definitely a sort of a – I think it's a nod to Jeff Koontz. Oh, yeah, those shiny metal ones. Yeah, sure. Those little balloon dogs that Jeff Koontz would have made. And I want to say have made because I don't know why this is where I want to take the show today. But the thing about Jeff Koontz's art is that he's unbelievably successful, Maybe the most successful American artist in terms of just sales, you know, since Thomas Kincaid, the painter of light. But what I find interesting is that he doesn't make any of the art physically. He's got this huge team. And I guess, you know, his job is to think of art and then execute it. But anyway, this this lamp has got some strong Jeff Koons vibes.

Didn't somebody bust a Jeff Koons recently, like at some sort of an exhibit? Does this somebody like touched it because it looks so balloony and then it just crashed to the floor and shattered?

Oh, I think somebody broke one of them, but I don't think Jeff Koontz was there. But I think it was maybe a piece. I think it was a piece. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, so I have a vague memory of that. Now, was it actually the rapper exhibit from Pimp My Rock? That, if exhibit did something at a Jeff Koontz exhibit, now we'd really have a story. Exactly. So here's the deal. I'm going to order one of these lamps, and it's going to be delivered to me. by ups okay i'm turning off my mic now and you go that's great i'll i'll order you a um an

apartment building from romania okay okay great a little swap yes um so i will i really will try to not belabor this too much but uh so when i was filming um some uh stuff for that large software concern on the east side a few weeks ago we were actually filming at the production house that they have they have this really great building with um like studio and stuff and i was actually working on something that was being kind of live streamed out to the wider world and the thing was uh when i was done with that i was then going to be going to chicago because i was working on that tv story out there and i had brought a number of suits with me because the wardrobe people wanted to kind of see what my vibe was and also to see if they liked the suits that i brought more than the suits that they had purchased for me to wear and as it happened they decided to go with one of the suits that they bought for me and um tailored it and everything which was wild there was a person there just to tailor the outfit after they had had me try it on so i was feeling extremely cared for

in that environment did any of your other suits that you had brought it sounds like they picked one of theirs if i followed that right but had they had they picked one of yours that you had brought was there a chance that they would have done a tailored job like maybe an i don't know how well your all your suits fit but like that could have been a bonus if that you also at this

phase in my life it would be letting it out sure yeah as opposed to taking it in yeah um but yeah of course yeah if they would have picked one of mine but said you know what we this let's give this a little more breathing room then they would have handed it to the tailor who would have analyzed if there was from a fabric standpoint anything to be let out you're right yeah which is a whole world that i don't really know a whole lot about here's the point of all this i uh was leaving after the second day of our filming i was leaving and the i was this place the people were being so nice and there were so many people there helping me with every aspect of my existence that i decided to ask if what they could actually do would be mail my suits back to portland so that i did not have to take like four suits and a pair of shoes with me to chicago and then to connecticut uh where there was no need for me to wear that stuff and just the sheer expense of this production i was you know working on i mean i it would seem like it was not it seemed like it was an expense they built in and sure enough the folks were so nice they were like absolutely happily throw it in the mail send it back down to where you live I was like gosh that just makes my life so much easier thank you thank you thank you and so that was the plan and it was shipped and I was traveling through space and time and I got an email from the system here at my apartment building that said hey uh well see here's the thing i'm i get packages and things from amazon and books i'm supposed to read for the radio show all the time about once every two days i get this update from the system it's called luxor right and it says you have a package it happens to me all the time and i get confused as to like which package they're talking about or how long the package has been there so i'm just traveling along and i'm getting these various little pings from luxor and then i get one that says your package misses you and that's that's their way of kind of like telling you you know we can you please come get this out of the lockers and then i got one that said last chance and i thought i really remember having a thought last chance what are you really gonna do and so anyway i got back home and i went to retrieve these suits and the other things and i put in the qr code they give you a QR code on your phone for each item I scan it in and it says there's nothing here so I'm like huh and so I asked the people at the apartment building did you mail this back to whomever and they said it sometimes happens in our system and I was initially mad at the apartment building which is you know kind of a ongoing rival of mine that's apartment building that I live in and pay them many dollars a month to live in but then i reached out to the ups folks i called and it sent it automated you know i got an automated system and it sent me to basically it said if this was

sent from this put in the tracking number which i did and it said this was delivered to your place i was like well that's great but they don't have it anymore and they probably returned it so now there should be a new tracking number about this thing going back to from whence it came and the i'm sorry this is so in the weeds and complicated but the upshot is ups doesn't know where this is my apartment building doesn't know where it is the people at the store in Redmond where it was mailed from don't know where it is no one knows where it is except one thing my apartment building actually has a very careful record of every delivery that comes in from everywhere and there's no record of UPS delivering this item to my apartment building on the day that they claim they delivered it meaning it is unaccounted for which is so rare in this day and age like you know there's just so much tracking of everything we're so just like It's impossible for me to wrap my mind around the fact that this is something that nobody knows where it is. And again, normally I would want to blame my apartment building, but they've gone through every single locker. I watched them do it. And they've also provided me with this elaborate spreadsheet of everything that gets delivered every day. And on the day that UPS claims they delivered my stuff, there's no delivery for me from UPS. like it somehow didn't get into this building but no one knows where it is now then what's with the

messages you were getting and that's where i'm confused they may i'm wondering if they were

related to other things okay in other words i assume that it was related to the the stuff that was being sent down to me but it just i mean it could have been like a random book from livewire like i get so many of those notifications and also if the thing was taken out of the apartment building nobody did that for free right nobody was just like out of the goodness of our heart will drive this back up to redmond like it would have to have been taken out and also by the way i just to answer the question in some people's minds was this stolen i would be shocked there are tons of boxes of things that appear much more valuable that are constantly sitting around in the kind of area near the lockers in my apartment building because there's too much stuff and not enough lockers so and no one messes with anything like it just doesn't really happen so i would be shocked if this was the one thing that people decided, oh, you know, that looks really great. Let's take that. I don't think it was stolen.

But it sounds like more importantly, there's no record of it coming in because if it was stolen, you're saying, am I understanding that correctly, that if it was stolen, on the off chance of something that would happen within your building, there would still be a record with the building management company that says these packages came in or this package came in.

Right. It all gets scanned. So in other words, my apartment building doesn't have any indication that this actually came into the building and again i believe them because they've been very helpful which you know it pains me to say that and they've actually provided me the quote-unquote receipts so here though this is putting all that aside all that boring logistical details this is the thing andrew that has me as you would say rip shit I have spent two days like half of two days so one solid day trying to get a human being on the phone at UPS and I have been thwarted and I am really proud of my abilities to hack through those jungles of automation and you know I mean I'll do whatever it takes I have I have screamed swear words into this automation i have gone online i have done every it is the it is impenetrable it is i honestly i tip my cap to united parcel service you guys suck so hard but you're good at it because you have defeated me i am not able to get a human being on the phone because what happens is the automation won't let you do anything unless you put in the tracking number so you put the tracking number in then it says call the store where this was shipped from who have already called they don't know what's going on that's all it will let you do there is no way to interact with a human being on the helpline of the ups number and this brings me to my next point which is i have never regretted not having twitter more in my life because that was my only you know i wouldn't it wasn't like i had so many followers but it was enough that if i really and it was rare wanted to go kind of court of last resort i could i could blast ups on twitter and i promise you somebody would get into my dms from ups because this is the only thing that corporate america cares about anymore is is someone getting mad at you on twitter but i don't have

that so i also don't know like i don't know if that also everything is just sort of twitter is It's just like this sort of airplane that's like lumbering along through the sky. Maybe it's falling off that I don't even know if it would have the same power I used to.

You're absolutely right. I'm working off of old information. Maybe they've realized that they can just ignore that rusting hunk of whatever Twitter is anymore. But I am I'm really at kind of I'm at a moment where I just don't I may just have lost this stuff. I mean, like thousands of dollars of clothing that also I just liked.

You know, these were like my nicest, best-fitting suits that I wear when I'm doing something that a lot of people might see, and they're totally unaccounted for, and I can't – so what I'm – I'm having the poor people who sent this to me, which God bless them. Yeah, they were doing you a favor. Total favor. It's like it's two people that work in production on this thing. They don't even work for the company in question, if that makes any sense. They work for a production company that is hired by the software concern. So they're, like, so far outside of giving a shit about this, other than the fact that they've been very kind and are trying to be helpful. They have to file the missing bag report. And so I'll, you know, be nice if they did that. But honestly, the value of this clothing is kind of not insignificant. And I just think that there's a—

Well, I mean, you need this stuff for your job. Like, you'd have to go out and rebuy a bunch of suits. Yeah, which I think I'm going to have to do. I hate buying suits. Like, I don't know if you're—I don't think you have the same hang-ups about that as I do. But, I mean, just buying formal wear, it's just like it's, you know, it just makes me feel bad. It makes me feel like a really fat 12-year-old again. My face gets hot. I feel like nothing fits right. I'm in the dressing room. I'm getting poked by pins. I know that people do things online these days. I'm just telling you my journey with this stuff. But aside from that, it's really expensive.

Yeah. And that's the thing. Well, first of all, there's this one. It's not even fully a – I wouldn't even call it a suit. It's from J.Crew. I wear it all the time. it's navy blue and it's kind of like a you know it's sort of something that's like a very unstructured casual blazer and then matching pants and they don't even sell it anymore because like like two or three months ago I thought you know what I wear this so much it's just my default setting if I need to look sort of put together but I don't want to be fully in a whole suit situation because it reads as kind of being like a casual suit kind of deal I literally thought I should get another one of these because I'm wearing this one out I'm literally about to be wearing holes in it because i'll use i'll wear it constantly and i went on i couldn't find it anywhere they don't really make it anymore which is another problem with j crew is like anytime you like something from j crew i can promise you that like one week later they'll be like we don't make that anymore or we don't sell that anymore so part of it is i don't think i can get this exact stuff which i like the exact stuff i had second it's a significant amount of money that is now owed to me by ups and i would be shocked if someday a check for you know 1700 which is a lowball number it would show up from ups like has that ever happened for anyone does the insuring of this stuff does the filing of claims i mean i feel like that is really just spitting in the wind yeah i mean that's

what i was wondering too i mean at this point you just can you just get into the tree and just Just get into the, I was going to say stream, but trees don't. But the phone tree, the phone thing, like, can you get in there and, like, just say, okay, I need to file a claim now. Like, I'm not even looking for the package anymore.

You have to file the claim through the, I almost, today I was like, should we just call the number so Andrew and the listeners can feel my pain? But I don't want to inflict that on anyone. They will not let you file. It says if you want to file a claim, go to – and then it just – the robot reads you a URL that's impossibly long. And I've been to that URL. And, I mean, allegedly, if you're the sender of the thing that's missing, you can put the information in. But I just have such a low, low level of confidence that anything good will come from this because in UPS's mind, this has been delivered. Now, what they don't have is a photo of it, which is part of this process. They're supposed to photo document it, take a picture of it, where it's at. So then later we all know it got to the thing.

Yeah, that's no photo. I mean, they do that for pizza. They do that. They do it for Jordan wings. I mean, there's no photo.

And again, the reason that I'm so mad is because I can't talk to a human being about this and just go, hey, are you able to look in your system and see if it went somewhere else? The only person who I've been able to talk to about is there any indication that this is like migrating around Portland or Redmond or like can we figure out where this thing is going was the person at the store on the east side of Seattle who – where from it was sent. And that was a whole other thing, Andrew. I can't even tell you. I talked to the person – the first person that answered the phone. There was a pretty intense language barrier, and they took my information, and then I was called back by a different person. And that person I could tell was already – like was spoiling for a fight with me. Like was like – well, this is the first thing this guy says. He goes, well, we've looked up the account, and this was actually delivered to an apartment building with lockers. And I thought, yeah, I'm in that apartment building. I've seen those lockers. I've lived it. Like that's that was like and that was that was basically the guy thought that was checkmate that they had looked it up and it had been delivered to an apartment building with lockers. I was like, yeah, I know. And now it appears to not be here. And I'm wondering if you have any information about like the natural place this would return to would be that place it was sent from. If something is returned to sender, it would go back there. and the guy was very unhelpful i mean he did tell me that he doesn't have any indication that it's there or that it's been on the move but that's the only human being i've even been able to talk to who could even peer into the into the ups system well listen i don't want to poke a bear

with a short stick here you're the bear my words are the short stick but like what that is interesting so like in their system it was delivered to a place that is described as like accurately as your apartment building does that change the shade of how you see this at all do Do you still – I guess I don't even know what you think. Do you think it ever arrived at your apartment building?

I think it did not arrive at the apartment building. I think it arrived somewhere else nearby maybe or it never got off the truck or – because there's no – everything that comes in. And in fact, you know the other thing, my apartment building, when they provided me with this information, it's my name and it's everything that's ever come in that's registered to my name. And I can see all like, in other words, two days before I can see something coming in two days after I can see anytime something gets scanned and it says Luke Burbank, it registers in the system. There's nothing scanned to my name on the day they allegedly delivered it to this building.

So this person, this somewhat, I don't know if can't take this is the right word, but the terse person that you were dealing with, what's the word that means? I've always wanted to say pugilistic and that's not the word pugnacious, somewhat pugnacious.

pugnacious but if i would have pushed it also possibly pugilistic what is pugilistic show

title possibly pugilistic what is pugilistic mean i'm very far far boxing oh it is oh so they are pugilist is a boxer oh they are related i mean they are somewhat related then it's not as far

off i thought like no okay i mean pugnacious i think of as just being someone who's aggressive

who's not taking any crap yeah kind of itching for a fight ready to fight right basically yeah but that's what i'm saying we stopped just short of pugilism thankfully i thought pugilism might have been some sort of a i don't know maybe like a a society lesser pull-up surprise like a society in the 1400s well you know the pugilists were the first to work with copper and chrome they made these soft little warm lights um that were very cute uh so you're thinking that maybe this person on the phone comes up with this idea of it was delivered to a apartment building with a bunch of lockers just based on your history it's like it well i'm i'm saying that in ups's system and

we can really move on because i've i've thoroughly bored folks with this and really my anger believe or not is not even that this thing is missing that happens in life we live in an imperfect world we're fallen from grace andrew from the moment of of birth okay because the apple thing with the snake no i feel like eve is getting a bad rap over yeah i'm just talking about you know original sin being born okay that's the original sin and it means sometimes your package will not show up i can live in that universe what i can't live in is a universe where i'm not able to speak to a human being about it even if their answer which i know what their answer will be hey we delivered it all anyone can see in the system if they work at ups is it got delivered to my house so i don't even expect them to like be like here i know exactly where it is it's just not being able to speak to a human being being denied that basic human right of speaking to a fairly detached person in probably a faraway country not even having that as an option is what is making me truly more angry than the thing being missing is that i cannot get them and i have been battling this ai lady for days now and i'm just i mean i i am so so angry about it and you've talked about this with comcast before where you were just like at your wits end even comcast or xfinity or whatever they call it i've managed to like you know sort of like head fake the automation and get around to a human being i literally wanted to yell into this system today i'm injured very badly to see if that would like i mean maybe they just call 911 for you i don't know i was just trying to think of what what are the prompts built into this large language model as they call it uh that that would cause it to let me just talk to a freaking human this is it sounds like i'm being

ridiculous here because i'm gonna make a joke about well i'm sure things

will get better now that like ai will be in charge of all of this stuff but it occurred to me that like maybe it will be because so much like you talk about my comcast experience which by the way i just want to remind everybody i say this every time comcast had a bad bad reputation for customer service a while back then they kind of rebranded as xfinity for a while at least in certain areas and they said you know we're really going to work on this customer service thing and they did i don't know if you remember this Luke or just you remember me bringing this up every time it comes up but like I would talk about how great the customer service was I would have like I'd call in I need help with something while they're helping me with the technical stuff I'd be having great chats with the people like I'm just not reflexively assuming that I'm going to get bad customer service when I call some sort of a phone tree system like sometimes it's really great but then when the pandemic hit um they just stopped employing human beings and like you know that was you know i could understand during the darkest months of the pandemic maybe not having people work but quickly there was the opportunity to you know work from home set up call centers through people's homes that's what eventually happened with most companies but comcast just continued to say you know like years into the pandemic sorry like we don't have any humans it's a pandemic However, like my bill just went up by not, you know, a huge amount. It went up by 30, $35 one time. But I was still like, I just want an answer to this. And all I got were robots saying, your bill is blah, blah, blah. Your last bill was blah, blah, blah. You paid it on this date. And it's like, I know all that. I know that. I know that. I just need to talk to somebody about why my bill went up. Turns out it was like I finally figured it out after days or something. It was just a simple thing, like some sort of promo ran out or something, right? But you just wanted, like, it was just like, I just felt like this huge company that was taking a lot of my money monthly, like a lot of money monthly, suddenly they're taking more money but totally unaccountable for it. It seemed to me like there was no reason why they couldn't just start saying, okay, we're going to take an extra $300 from your bill every month and still we're not going to tell you why. Like, it just felt so hopeless and absolutely maddening, you know? And again, once I found out the answer, it's like, okay, that's one thing. But what was bothering me wasn't the $30 so much as, I just wanted somebody to tell me why they're taking more money out of my account, which they just had carte blanche to do.

This is my exact point, which I've already made. I don't need to repeat it. But it's a bummer that this thing is missing. That sort of happens in the world. It is this incredibly impotent feeling of not being able to figure out how to get this massive company. By the way, started in Seattle. Thanks for nothing, UPS. Oh, I didn't know that. Oh, yeah. Hey, Luke. Seattle company. What can Brown do for you? Do you remember that? I'm about to show them what Brown can do for them when I drop a steaming pile of crap in front of their corporate offices.

It could have been implied. That was one that was kind of implied. I like to. Could have been implied. You could have just said, I'll show them what Brown can do for you and just leave it there. Let the listener's imagination fill in the rest. It wasn't a huge leap. But yeah, that was their ad campaign, I believe, in the very late 90s, maybe early 2000s. Who came up with that? Who were the ad wizards who came up with that?

What can Brown do for you is terrible. Now, I'm going to try something here real quick, and then we can go to the break. I am on Reddit now, and I am finding what is being listed as a hack to get me through to this semi-charmed kind of life. Sorry, I just slipped into Third Eye Blind for a minute. To get me through to a human being. It says, call the number, which is the number I've been calling.

Is that the 5877, by the way? Because I've been poking around, too. So 5877 is the main one.

That's the one that I've been dealing with. But what they're saying is you wait until you're able to speak, and then you say returning call, and then if they ask if you're trying to return a call, you say yes. Now, I don't think this is going to be great audio, but I'm going to try this on the speakerphone, okay? I'm worried this is going to work because then we just have to sit through the counter.

or recorded for quality and training purposes.

Yeah, right.

For more of how we handle your personal information, please see our privacy notice on UPS.com. Sounds like they care. How can I help you today?

Returning call.

Okay, returning a call. I'll connect you with someone who can help. Andrew!

Now, do you want to do this now?

No, I'll hang up now, but I've cracked the code. Well, Reddit has cracked the code.

What can't Reddit do, by the way?

I mean, honestly, where is my where's my celebratory music? OK, here we go.

Jalapeno, jalapeno, jalapeno.

Oh, my gosh. I don't think they're going to know where the thing is, but I will be able to talk to a person who doesn't know where the thing is. And that will at least give me some sense of catharsis.

Yeah. Yeah, at least maybe get a ticket rolling. People are handling this. Oh, gosh. Wow.

Thanks again. That'll be interesting to see what happens. What's his name? Ohanian is the Reddit founder.

Oh, I have no idea who the Reddit founder is. I just assumed it always existed.

I think he's, I believe he is Serena, Alex Ohanian. I think he's Serena Williams' husband. What? Really?

I had no idea.

You were talking about a power couple. Jeez Louise. Yeah, one of the Williams sisters is married to the guy who founded Reddit.

Wow, yeah, you're right. That is a power couple.

Yeah. Well, thanks. Thanks, Reddit. I'm sorry that that was boring and frustrating-making for the listeners, but through all of that, I ended up at a place where when we're done with the show, I can call and talk to somebody there. And for me, today is already a major win doing this program. Well, you have to let us know tomorrow how it worked. All right. whoo gosh i feel like i need to lie down or smoke a cigarette or something let me ask you a question

do you want to ask it after the break or do you know i do this isn't a topic i shouldn't even bring it up wait no now you have to all right now i'll just bring it up really quickly um i'm getting emails here i shouldn't be looking at email while you're doing this don't you think so i volunteer with this group we've talked about i've been volunteering with them for like five years right we serve meals on sundays to people who want food um and so there are some folks who want to have a meeting and now i know that a friend of mine who's a listener of the show is also on these emails so maybe i should be a little bit more delicate about this stuff but somebody wants to set up a zoom meeting to talk about like some you know getting some more volunteers we're a little short on volunteers or something like that but they want to have the meeting at 8 p.m on a weeknight and this is the way these things often go and to me that is so late to have a meeting with volunteers on a weeknight am i am i is it just my lifestyle like usually like if i get done with work let's say i get done with work five ish or something like that wrapping up okay wait around until six o'clock for a meeting maybe 6 30 you know a lot of people are like well if i have a family i'm feeding you know the kids or whatever seven o'clock like seven i don't love waiting around until seven o'clock for a meeting but that seems like reasonable to me eight o'clock just like so i get done with my work day and then i i mean this is me well i hate having donut holes in my day it's like either i just want to move on with things or not but like just waiting around until eight o'clock and eight o'clock for a meeting does that seem late to you or i i think

it seems really late to me but i don't want to poke a bear with a short stick you're the bear and the short stick is my unassailable logic but i think i would hate that as well um but i think it has to do with some lifestyle choices for you and i uh a bit which is the typically a way to unwind after a long day of productive work is to put the mariners on crack a couple cold ones and just like turn tune in and turn off and that's what means it's night times a lot of other people don't live that way they get done with their if they're doing a volunteer thing and their their day job is nine to five they have their dinner and then they turn on their zoom and they could they could have a meeting like that i would never want to have a meeting like that because it would make it feel to me like i can't have my proper evening enjoyment which is to just completely

zone out through a variety of means and also and anna i know you're hearing this so i i and i don't think has ever been on one of these meetings so i'm not this this is a listener we have who also volunteers with me almost every week um i you know i'm gonna say some things here that shouldn't get

back to the bigger group is my point here i don't know call this episode be cool i don't think anna's

ever been on one of these meetings so i'm not assailing her at all i'm just going to say some things that i don't want the rest of the group to hear but i don't care if our listeners here this meeting is going to accomplish nothing like that is the thing like these meetings it's like okay we want more volunteers what we're going to do is we're going to get a bunch of people with really good intentions on the line who are going to bring up a whole bunch of other issues that have nothing to do with like these meetings always start as okay we we need more volunteers okay let's have more volunteers and then people are like well are we fly are we putting flyers around the neighborhood to bring more customers in and then it's like well if we want more customers we should be doing this like people who you know come to to grab our meals clients whatever and then it's kind of like and then i'll have to be like okay so what what problem are we trying to solve for here and then people be like well where are we storing this stuff and then like the conversation will just spin in a million different directions and then it's like i just don't i don't know Like, people are going to volunteer or they're not. Like, it's just like, I'm going to wait around until 8 o'clock to get on a call with a bunch of, you know, people with really good intentions that's going to accomplish absolutely nothing as far as what we need to get done.

Yeah, I think you're describing a really common thing that happens when a bunch of people, like you said, I mean, you couldn't have folks with better intentions. These are people who are taking time out of their lives, you included, to try to do something to slightly better the life of folks who are experiencing homelessness. and when you get a bunch of those kind of very thoughtful humanitarians together it rarely goes well

I mean again it's not that it goes badly or like that we end up fighting or anything I'm the pugilistic one here I mean there is a little bit of argument to maybe be sometimes there are what is the word I'm looking for sometimes there are kind of ripple effects or the consequences. Unintended consequences. Yeah, but consequences, that sort of sounds like a negative thing. But there is something about if you're a group of volunteers who never see each other, never kind of getting together at the same place at the same time, people are just dropping off food and going or whatever the system is. I guess there is just the idea of getting people on a call together sort of in the same way going to a radio conference used to like kind of, you'd come back to work and you'd be inspired. Right, to check in. Just kind of check in and feel like you're all part of something. There might be some, I was trying to think some like, like softer diplomacy or something which isn't the right term either but there might be something like that not like hey we're gonna have this meeting and then suddenly we're gonna have all of our volunteers on our list are suddenly going to be really excited to volunteer again because

that's just not going to happen but i have an idea and this sounds it sounds like i'm joking i'm only like this is 50 a joke but 50 a strategy okay what if you just were a little buzzed for the meeting they're trying to say i was drunk i drank eight beers yesterday that was all i drank and i'm not even kidding what if you i obviously you don't want to be inebriated that'd be irresponsible and rude to your to your fellow volunteers but what if you said i'm going to go to this meeting at eight o'clock i'm going to pour myself a drink when the meeting starts i'm going to sip on a beer while we're talking because you're capable of having a beer and discussing

how to get more volunteers like you can do that i mean i've done yeah i mean i've of course i thought

i thought i was blowing your mind you're regularly drunk for these meetings no i mean i really don't

think that alcohol has as much to do with this as you're sort of maybe maybe i'm just speaking i'm fine my own perspective i'm sure in these meetings sometimes i'll have a ipa or something like i'm not i'm not against doing that i don't think i've ever been like buzz buzzed meeting is drunk meeting yep i don't know if you've seen the thing no it's not that it's just like i i think honestly if i were if you know even if i had never had a drink in my life i still just think that like i'm the type of person who's like okay let's get the things done that we need to get done for the day and then move on with our evenings like i think it's just maybe about like you know and i realize that my um boundaries on things are maybe getting more extreme and and making it harder for the people around me but like it just sort of seems like jesus christ like i'm just gonna get done with my work and then i'm gonna be like i don't know maybe i just need to fill my life with more activity like maybe i should just choose that day to go like you know work in the yard that night and then come in for this like find something to do but i sometimes i'm just kind of like well when i want to kick off my night like wow you know fire up like you say fire up the mariners game or fire up the um the video game play darts whatever it is like i don't want to be like okay now i want to go back and have this this meeting right i've expressed a lot of uh bad attitude here about a group that i love so i just probably shouldn't have probably brought

this up no you're the kind of person i think as am i who our brains are kind of like i just i'm either in work mode or i'm in non-work mode and i don't really have a middle gear and i don't really know how to i don't enjoy getting you know entering non-work mode and then re-entering work mode or whatever you want to call what this meeting would be there are people that can move more smoothly between those modes and have no problem with it it's like okay i'm doing one thing and now i'm just going to be doing a different thing i like to for me a big part of my and again putting alcohol aside a big part of my process of relaxing is knowing that there's not anything else i have to do that is like you know uh feels more like work mode so i totally get that yeah and i don't think you're being and again i know you didn't bring any of this up for me to say this but i also just think it's a i think it's a really admirable thing that you and the other folks that work on this project do to give up your sunday afternoons and uh other days of the week where you're doing prep stuff to make this happen and i think it's a really good thing so well that's why i brought it up too well exactly so mission accomplished got that in there does andrew like to make sure we all know he's volunteering with the people experiencing

homelessness yes he does i like to think though that like my I'm not. obnoxiousness is somewhat cut by my um that's my point desire to complain about it on me that's

what i'm saying i actually like it's actually a power move because you're talking about something that overall is actually a very positive thing for the world but you're being kind of a little petty about it which is the right exact amount if you weren't being petty then it would just be sanctimony and it would be hard to relate yeah you're i love that you're you're like you said You're taking the edge off for people that maybe aren't volunteering so we feel less bad that we're not helping the world the way you are.

I'm like a little warm lamp with an angel sitting on a glowing sphere and a little halo over my head.

And I'm like a brutalist piece of architecture planning the ultimate demise of the United Parcel Service.

You're just a chunk of cement sitting next to me. I'm a chunk of angry cement trying to find my goddamn suits. With googly eyes. Wait, no, googly is a whole different thing. Never mind.

Googly architecture, which I also love, which couldn't be more different than brutalism is the funny part. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Quick break and then back with more TBTL in a moment.

On your mark. On your mark. Get set. Get set. Now ready. Ready. Go. Everybody rattle, dazzle.

Everybody. Payless, thanks from Dazzling Donors. These folks are donating a dazzling amount of dough each month And it is vital to this existing as a program And it will be even more vital-er Even more vital-er Starting in July, July 3rd to be specific When we go independent Meaning we no longer work for American Public Media I will mention we are going to have an exit interview on Friday With our direct supervisor, Beth Perlman So I think everyone wants to tune in for that just to kind of hear from her side of things, what it's been like to try to manage us. And by us, I mean me.

Yeah. As I said in an email to her, just like just hop on the phone with us on Friday and talk about what a handful Luke is and what a perfect employee I am.

That's all. It is true. I've scheduled an interview for 8 p.m. on Friday. Is that cool? I can't. I'm already going to be doing horse at that time. uh we ought to thank mike mead in west lynn oregon mike says thanks for all you do to build community i'm a new listener i started listening daily back in 2012 when i was studying for the cpa exam and look at us now um i i moved from the seattle area to portland in october for an opportunity to lead our office here and even though luke let the world know a little earlier than i had oh uh i remember us running into mike and his wife becca and i were out for a walk and they were sitting at a mexican restaurant in the neighborhood enjoying um some food and we're walking down the street and these two folks said hey uh you're luke from tbtl and then you must

have mentioned it on the air because it sounds like mike is implying that you blew up his spot

a little bit well mike you mess with the bowl you get outed on your new job that's i believe the

did you know that is this new news to you that you sort of yes it's totally new i'm glad mike

is still donating it makes me think mike wasn't that mad well i mean here's probably what i said hey i ran into some uh listeners uh over the weekend now was that embargoed or was it for immediate release i don't remember i don't know if i think if mike would have said it was embargoed i would have embargoed it but i don't know i do forget things a lot so mike i'm sorry if i If I blew up your spot Oh, I see Okay, I ran into Luke on our first Portland house search And a co-worker or two who are also tens Were a bit surprised, no harm, done though So maybe this was more on the social Space for Mike Where they were like, huh, why is Mike Why are Mike and his wife in Portland Right now? It's been a smooth Transition for Lauren, Langley Puddle and I Oh, this is Langley and Puddle's parents

Yeah, exactly, and Mike was the Mike was the official vote counter for Song of the Summer I think at our last TBTL picnic

Okay, okay I'm putting all this together now Our girls have been listening their whole lives But only consistently when you play their voicemails Hey, by the way, keep sending those Those are fun, thanks for all you do Oh, plug time from Mike I could recommend CLA For all your accounting and advisory needs But I'd prefer to mention a great non-profit To support in the Seattle area It's called Neighborhood House The website is nhwa.org. It's been around since 1906 and works to sustainably help all sorts of folks in King County, particularly refugees and immigrants in a variety of ways. Neighborhood House, nhwa.org.

Nice. Everybody go check that out.

I would say check it out, support them, do everything you can, but be mildly resentful about the meeting schedule.

Just don't.

Proper amount of.

supporting folks coming to king county all right hey thanks mike and family and um sorry that i got a little ahead of myself there mentioning that we'd all run into each other maestro

we've also got to thank katherine kachunis

Pronouncer Like a sneeze Kachunis Kachunis I knew a Kachunis In Seattle When I was a kid In what was high school There was a guy At our church Named Matt Kachunis So I'm familiar Although I don't know If I ever heard Matt Explain the pronunciation Of the name like that It's very clever actually Catherine is in Ann Arbor, Michigan Workers are important If you have a chance Or means consider contributing to a strike fund it supports workers who are striking for dignity and respect and a fair contract much love and thanks to this community final comments it's katherine who sent fago and sometimes sends pictures of my cat squirbles hawkins and gene ralphio

oh sorry i'm late oi is that i think i maybe forgot to cut the final comments but um that I actually like those final comments. I like the oi. Don't worry about being late. We're still reading some dazzling donor messages, as you can tell. But that Faygo messed me up, man. Remember? I love that Faygo. You got feelings. I love that Faygo so much. But then it put the taste of sweet, sweet sugar, like fruity sugar. It's dangerous game, Dano. I was going to my AM, PM and buying just whatever knockoff.

And just to feel normal.

at that point pineapple soda was the closest i could get at the am pm pineapple i've also got

theories about the names of many of these cats i'm not squirbles that one i don't get the reference hawkins i'm wondering if that's a stranger things oh i thought might be maybe reference their school is oh sure maybe that too maybe katherine will update us because hawkins is the name of the school in stranger things and then gene ralphio is of course the character from parks and rec right Ben Schwartz Ben Schwartz speaking of have you you brought this up the other day

um Vives and I saw um oh gosh Renfield this weekend oh you did do you have interest in seeing that because I've been struggling to figure out whether or not I would recommend it or or who I'd recommend it to I had a nice time at the theater I think it's a it's a very broad violent comedy is the best way so if that's the kind of thing you like kind of a post-Tarantino like kind of funny gory um but the literal laugh out loud moments kind of movie that doesn't take itself

too seriously i would recommend it i was kind of intrigued by it because of course it was the in a way it was the genesis of this drop yes he does which is not from the film but it's nicholas cage describing how he came up with the his dracula accent um so i was intrigued by it i've definitely like i've sort of come around on nicholas cage after hearing him interviewed and really talking about i think i just thought nicholas cage was just kind of a nutcase and there's a method to his nut casery uh it would seem like from his acting approach like when you hear him talking about acting he's very steeped in the history of different actors and he's very um intentional about the stuff he does which was kind of news to me um and so i was i was in a good place with my conception of nicholas cage for this movie being released and then i heard the reviews and they did not they were they were all pretty mixed they were all kind of like there's not quite as much there here as we were hoping for was what the folks on npr said in

other places that's maybe what i'm feeling like it's it's a fun movie like it's fun you'll laugh but there's no um there's not a lot of subtlety to it or like you know what i mean it's not the type of thing where it's like oh well oh wow it's also it really makes you know there's a little thinkiness to it i like a movie with a little thinkiness you know the aquafina's in it too by the way i didn't know that she or ben schwartz were going to be in this and they're both like really oh ben schwartz is in it yeah that's why i brought it up yeah but and so and so they're really i didn't know anything about it going in and so they're really pleasurable and and nick cage really does do a good job for the role but it is just like it's nothing more than a funny

bloody comedy and i i heard that a lot of it hinges around this kind of toxic relationship with between renfield and dracula um which is great because i mean as we know from like what we do in the shadows and things there's a there's much comedy to be mined in these things but the sense i got was it was a little less thinky and subtle than the kind of comedy from what we do in the shadows where you've got like mark proche as a sort of energy vampire things like that that a little more like The Office or something. Exactly. I think that's exactly what it suffers from, is I think it... Appealed to people who really like what we do In the shadows but what we do in the shadows Is brilliant you know what I mean Like you can you don't you know it's It's an enjoyable kickback Watch but it's really Smart and subtle in its own ways And this does not bring that this is a Different kind of humor the movie

That I Kind of want to see But the reviews That I the reviews I'm getting for it Are like really mystifying Is the new Joaquin Phoenix movie i don't know it uh it's called like um somebody is worried hold on i'm trying to google it uh let's see joaquin phoenix movie um uh i'm going i'm getting there it's happening i promise

uh first i had to google how to spell joaquin i know and maybe that's part of my problem is

i spelled it j-o-q-u-e-n-p-h-o-n-i-x so i was close you were close that's exactly how i spelled it too i think it might be napoleon is that right no it's called somebody is worried okay um no i'm just gonna put new joaquin is worried or is scared or is bo is afraid oh got there i want to apologize to everyone um here's the first headline for bo is afraid joaquin phoenix warns to quote not take mushrooms before watching bo is afraid the trick the poster for it when we went and saw the postman always rings twice they had a poster at the hollywood theater here in portland it's joaquin phoenix and then joaquin phoenix and then a baby that has joaquin phoenix's face on it and all i know is i've seen people like videotaping themselves as they walk out of the theater going i don't know what in the living hell i just saw oh that sounds interesting it but people it's like people are like people it's getting this response from folks that's not that that was terrible or that it was amazing it's that they're befuddled people are truly befuddled by whatever happens in this movie it's an a24 film it's directed by the guy that did midsummer and hereditary ari aster i think is that guy's name uh and you know midsummer was like known to be a really he's a guy that make he's I feel like he's kind of like the air the Darren Aronofsky of our time whereas Darren Aronofsky may have moved into slightly more conventional stuff I didn't see the whale but like you know when Darren Aronofsky made like pie do you remember that movie I do yeah I mean that was like holy shit what are we seeing kind of stuff

yeah I remember disliking pie but basically like movies that are dark it's a space where the movies are a little bit weird and very dark right or have a darkness to them

yes and that's i mean that's what i did in black swan things like that i get the sense that this guy uh who who is who made this beau is afraid movie is kind of like the ari aster is kind of the new guy that's really pushing that envelope um but i i'm trying to decide i mean the other thing is i'm looking out the window right now and it's sunny and i'm like i may never go inside again for the rest of my life after this is done recording i may just go lie on the sidewalk in the son for the rest of my life you know i can't imagine wanting to go in a movie theater right

now i gotta say this weekend was great it was a little bit overcast it was like i hadn't been to the theater in a while and man just plowed through a large popcorn and a pepsi and it was

great they only had well beau is afraid uh is uh is the movie i was referring to i don't know if anyone's seen it google us google us google us i'm gonna go see it i'll google you after i see will you google me after you see it andrew please so is it still in theaters that's what i want It just it's just entering the theater. So, yeah. OK, great.

Hello and welcome to Top Story.

Matthew Perry from Friends says he's going to remove this mention of Keanu Reeves or these mentions rather from his memoir as there are future editions that are printed. I think this came up back when that book came out. You know, he wrote this memoir. it's very uh confessionals talking a lot about his issues with addiction and stuff um i have to be totally honest with you like because it was such a big deal because of his association with friends which is such a mammoth television show when somebody from that universe is just going to dish on like everything it's going to get attention i i watched a lot of interviews with him i didn't find him remotely likable in any of them like now there's the addiction piece which is its own thing and of course um i'm really glad for him that he he seems to have gotten a handle on that and it sounds like a really really difficult time for him when he was in the throes of it but he does not seem like a likable person on any level and i kind of feel like the vibe i get when they would interview his co-stars many of whom i mean from friends that is many of whom really did exceptional things to try to get him help you know interventions and just really trying to support him all of their kind of like descriptions of him and the time it all feels like you're talking about a person who you wish the best for but who you don't really like as a person very much that's kind of the vibe i'm getting and one of the things that was weird about this book to me was that he decided to just like roast keanu reeves for some reason i remember

talking about do you remember talking about this on the show it was a weird thing totally because

Because one of the sections he's talking about River Phoenix, speaking of Phoenix brothers, Joaquin Phoenix's brother. He was talking about River Phoenix, who he was friends with, and he was just describing what an amazing, beautiful soul River Phoenix was and how River Phoenix died quite young. And then he said, and yet people like Keanu Reeves walk the earth. And then at another point, he's talking about Heath Ledger, I think, and he maybe uses the same reference. I think there's a couple times in the book where he's talking about an amazing person who he really treasured who passed away and said, and yet Keanu Reeves is still alive, which was just the strangest thing to do because there was no story about these two people having a problem with each other. And now Matthew Perry says it was a dumb attempt at a joke actually doesn't even say that he I'm kind of putting words in his mouth because I feel like that's what he should say he says I apologize I should have used my own name instead I was trying to choose a random name he says maybe I picked him because he lives on my street. Well by the way If I'm gonna roast someone It ain't gonna be the guy That lives on my street From John Wick Like Isn't that a strong argument Against not using Keanu Reeves' name The guy you might see When you're walking the dog That cat really Tied the room together Was it a cat

That he lost in that movie I remember I think it was a dog In John Wick Yeah that's a dog That he's going bananas over

I think he's looking for his dog I haven't seen those movies

I remember reading A description of it Or maybe like Seeing part of it Being in a room When it was on And saying Oh this is just like an unfunny lebowski but instead of the rug it's a dog that was my takeaway but uh that's not a really astute take on the movie um yeah you know here's the deal though here's the deal i think maybe i'm going to take a slightly different position on this than you which is i kind of believe him like i the fact that he does live on the street like he he's basically saying like i just sort of picked a random name like it was supposed to be like this again can keep in mind his generation and his i mean quite honestly you know somewhat drug-addled brain i as a man who's made i'm not an expert on a lot of things but as a man who's made a lot of bad jokes that have not landed in his day i feel like maybe i'm a little bit of an expert on bad jokes and and bad um impulses when it comes to jokes and so i sort of see him as being like oh we're just like kind of like these kind of ball busty guys from this generation and so i'll just throw keanu reeves out there because keanu reeves sort of has the you know keanu reeves is beloved i mean that was one mistake that he made people just really like keanu reeves and keanu reeves seems to live a life that is like very admirable the way he interacts with other humans and etc and so he's beloved in that way um but keanu reeves used to be the it was kind of a go-to joke about his acting style he would always get work but he's very wooden you know his style is very wooden and and you know he became a household name with bill and ted you know such a such a silly concept and such a silly character so i actually believe perry when he says i was just sort of like he just didn't see this i'm surprised an editor didn't catch it well that okay that was

the thing that i wanted to also sort of ponder was how in the editorial process an editor didn't flag this and go do you really want to like do you want to print this on paper and put it in various hudson booksellers around the country yeah because like you're you're you're kind of You know, you're pulling a pin on a on a reputational grenade here that's going to go off at some point. I'm surprised an editor didn't kind of save him from himself.

And just maybe even I don't know what the editorial process is like with a book or if you've heard the show anything. But like I feel like like maybe an editor just say, hey, this is interesting. Why did you why did you use Keanu Reeves here? And just say, like, why? And then if it was a random thing, maybe guide Matthew Perry into saying, like, wouldn't it be maybe funny if you put yourself there? Because honestly, that is a funnier thing. So this is the direct quote. Oh, 100%. River was a beautiful man inside and out, too beautiful for this world, it turned out. Interesting framing. Interesting. It always seems to be that the really talented guys are the ones who go down. Why is it that the original thinkers like River Phoenix and Heath Ledger die, but people like me still walk among us or something? I mean, perfect. But instead it says, but Keanu Reeves still walks among us. But people like me are still shuffling around. It's funnier and also just like, I don't know, it would just work so much better.

I agree. It's such a better joke to make it yourself. Or you could go with someone who you're fine with them being your sworn enemy and there's a sort of.

broad agreement that they suck like Bill O'Reilly right or see recent HR news Tucker Carlson or something like Keanu Reeves just such a like I actually think you're making a compelling argument that this is so this is so kind of like sort of ham-fisted that it does have it has the vibe of something that someone clearly didn't think through and was clearly just trying to make a joke that was just did not work at all but i'm just i'm just still surprised that this is where he ended up because it just seems like a very easy an easy joke to make on yourself or to make on someone i mean there's a list of like 20 people that you could make this joke about i mean donald trump and and yet donald trump walks the earth okay fine you know it's a passing comment no one's going to really care i mean do you think it's possible he was concerned well no because i mean And Keanu Reeves probably has a bigger constituency than Donald Trump at this point.

It's also just like there's nobody – I don't think there's anybody that's funnier than putting yourself there. Well, right. Because if it's somebody who's like widely hated, then it's just like handy and dated. That's just obvious. It's just like low-hanging fruit. Yeah, exactly. Like making a Trump joke is – not to bash on your ideas. We just sort of toss this around. But like making a Trump joke is obvious and also kind of left field because he's not in the same – well, I guess Donald Trump is an actor. i do love it when some home alone too yeah i do love it home alone two star indicted um but well something i feel like whenever there's like kind of news like that about him like somebody will be like home alone two star blah blah anyway um yeah so i just think that like they're just like if you're gonna pick somebody who's widely hated then it's not funny because it's a broad swing and you're just piling on if it's somebody like keanu reeves kind of like well that's just kind of out of left field and it just takes so much attention away from the book I mean there's no chance that he's crazy like a fox right that like this was an attempt

to like move more copies

you and I would not have talked about Matthew Perry's I mean I'm assuming that they're going for the big TBTL bump but like would anybody have talked about Matthew Perry's book if it didn't have this probably I mean he'd still be on the circuit

I do think it was and in fact I think it was more the order of events was a lot of attention for this book and then a lot of people actually Sort of reading it carefully And then excerpting it You know what I mean like I think Because of the attention around the book Then a lot of people actually like read the book Or read enough of it to see this line And then started going huh why is he saying this about Like and again I attribute that to the fact That well first of all He's somebody who had a very Ultimately Well known struggle with addiction And he was on you know Arguably one of the biggest TV shows and cultural things in the history of humankind so far and in fact one that continues to resonate like you know kids at his age and this is my daughter who will be 30 next year so you know the kids kids yeah like young people watch friends to this day and every time you know hulu or netflix or somebody wants to get the rights to to stream the friends catalog it's like another billion dollars out the door like it is still culturally super relevant for reasons i don't fully understand like i liked that show when it was on tv because i was a junior in high school and i had a crush on jennifer aniston like um but when i see episodes now it doesn't for me like it doesn't entertain me hugely but all that to say i think he was getting a ton of attention because of just the the huge cultural thing that is the tv show friends that and whatever that movie was where he and Chris Farley play kind of like a helpless Lewis and Clark called like Westward Ho or Undaunted Pioneers. Wait, that's a Stephen Ambrose book. He was in. What if that was

turned into a sitcom? Oh my God. What if the adaptation of the Stephen

Ambrose book Undaunted Courage, because of the vagaries of Hollywood, what if it was based on Stephen Ambrose, but it just had it had transmogrified and transubstantiated into a movie starring Matthew Perry and Chris Farley.

I have never, I don't even know, I don't think, if I know about this movie. Are you looking it up right now? I started to and then I got distracted. Matthew Perry, Chris Farley. If I know this at all, it's only because you've probably brought it up on the show before. I don't think, I don't, Almost Heroes. That name does ring a bell, Almost Heroes.

Two explorers, oh I see. Two explorers are racing Lewis and Clark to the pacific ocean this is not a terrible premise for a film you know what you and i are

so insane as you read that line i was like that's kind of funny oh my god

directed by one wait for it christopher guest hello We got a

watch this is 1998 christopher guest movie how did this christopher guest movie escape my radar

i mean i think it's hit and miss with old chris guest matthew perry is a glory seeking fop who's out of his league while chris farley is a slovenly clumsy well they got him to play against type yeah it's a slovenly clumsy tracker with a soft spot for toilet humor along with a team of misfits and losers the duo wreaks havoc on the american frontier i'll tell you what oh no i was looking at these in the wrong order it cost 30 million to make and it did 6 million at the box office

so that's great huh how does that i don't know anything about money can't do that let's start

a business my head um yeah i you know it does not sound like a horrible movie though to me i mean if you tell me christopher guest directed a movie that had chris farley and eugene Levy in it uh Levy maybe I'm not how do I not know how to say his name I mean I've always said Levy I could be wrong about that um uh so like Chris Farley Eugene Levy we'll we'll accept a Matthew Perry it's about the people racing Lewis and Clark and it's directed by Corky like come on

I'm I'm I'm into this project I feel like there's a full genre of comedy movies that we don't talk about and that is the race movie like people racing like because it was always trying to play the race movie card i knew you were gonna try to do something like that try to i did and i make no apologies you tried uh don't worry about it luke you tried um but you know like so what are the what were the ones with dom de louise something ball right or cannonball run and wasn't there another one kind of in that era not it's a mad mad mad mad world i think that's different but there i feel like there are these comedies where people are racing and then like just like whatever

hilarity ensues maybe right it's almost like a bunch of vignettes because you've got i mean there is ostensibly a larger plot of trying to get to the finish of whatever it is but what you really have are just a bunch of scenes of madness and mad capery um as different people in the in the

movie encounter different obstacles sure i wonder if i understand cannonball run too if i never saw the first cannonball i made genevieve laugh right as the movie was right as renfield was beginning like the very very first seconds of like whatever it was fading up into i leaned over to genevieve and i said now will this movie make sense to me if i've never seen the first minions and i don't

know why do you let me ask you this and then we should we should probably we should probably try to get to emails although i did want to talk bb and b baby bed bath and beyond um do you feel like you agree to go to films with Genevieve because you look forward to whispering something to her as the movie is starting to make her laugh because I do think that's sort of your greatest comedy window with her

yeah just one second what was the other thing you said to her

it was a different story of you leaning over

during a serious serious moment during like the penultimate Avengers movie which is like really dark and sad Chris Evans character Captain America says someone like we lost it was like a very serious movie and I just leaned over and I said we snossed and look who we lost but you know I don't think that is what drives me to the theater I think that's much more popcorn's job but certainly I think the issue is I can't shut up like and I think I'm funnier than I am

no you are funny those are solid jokes now as I'm looking at the cast of Almost Heroes it's so many people from the the sort of guffman spinal tap universe that again i just i i wonder i wonder what went wrong with this film well i get nervous when i see perry i guess although i didn't have a problem i didn't have a problem with uh with matthew perry's work on the television show friends you know like i don't i wouldn't say that i think he's like bad at his job i just But then I'm also like, you know, who is one of the people in this movie, Louis Arquette. He is the narrator from Guffman. He's the don't get me talking about beans guy. You've got just a bunch of a bunch of folks who I love. Harry Shearer is in it. Now, here is something that I do find concerning about any movie from this era. That is to say the 90s that was going to get even adjacent to the Native American experience. I haven't watched the movie. Christopher Guest is, I think, a pretty smart person. I don't know how that goes down. I'm looking at the cast. There's a number of people who are Native American. And I wonder if watching it, if I would be cringing a lot of the time when there is the representation of Native Americans in the film. I just I don't I can't imagine it's super nuanced.

I think you're I think you're absolutely right about that. Also, I want to say I was right about it's just so I can say I was right. about it's a mad, mad, mad, mad world is apparent. I went to this website. I don't even know what it's called, but it's basically like, if you liked this, maybe you'll like this. Yeah, movies like Cannonball Run. Well, Cannonball Run 2 is up there. You'll be surprised to hear. Rat Race came out in the early 2000s, Smoking the Bandits, part one through three. Gumball Rally, I've never heard of. That came out in the year of my birth, 1976. Anyway, there's a whole bunch of these types of things, and It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World is one of them. A group of strangers come across a man dying after a car crash

You mentioned it and then you said I thought you mentioned It's a Mad, Mad, Mad World Then you said, but not that I thought that I get

It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World Confused with another movie with a similar title That has a different plot, I believe Mad Max, Fury Road That's another race movie

It's just one where a guy is playing an electric guitar Hanging from some chains off the back of a truck

Toe cutter I can't remember which movie they screamed toe cut There's a character named Toe cutter i'm glad i don't play the character toe cutter but um yeah sometimes i like well you know toe

cutter becomes joe imarton in fury road so like in the mel really ones oh i don't yeah and no the mel gibson ones the guy who's like either he is toe cutter or he yells it i think he plays toe cutter he's like that movie those mad max movies when i was a kid particularly just like the original like mad max it was so scary to me it's just so dystopian and so like i couldn't help but imagine myself as a kid in that world and how like screwed i would be yeah and then you've just got these menacing giant aussies rolling around like the guy who's toe cutter and i believe that actor is then the guy who plays the main bad dude in the mad max fury road the guy you saw that obviously

right i did yeah i didn't realize so toe cutter is uh like the same actor and they kind of bring

him back just playing a different character or there's a different character um he's a different character but he's the bad guy but now he's way older because like it's like you know 40 years went by and he's sort of that like you know that big weird dude who's wearing like kind of some kind of medical equipment to stay alive but he's in charge of everything and like the opening oh yeah yeah yeah yeah he's sort of deploying the forces that is the guy in real life that actor is the guy that was toe cutter so he always plays the main baddie well he would appear to at least in the um you know george why am i trying to do this miller universe that's the guy who made those

movies i was just thinking george george miller i oh i get also a comic person frank miller frank miller's the comic yeah that's why i got confused i was like no he's batman but no you're right you're right you're right i'm batman i while we're on movie talk it sounds like you're going to a break there oops yeah that was i usually try to go to the break by by growling i'm batman I can't believe you didn't pick up that hint That's the SOQ I haven't seen SOQ on a sheet In a long time That was always on the bottom of every script In public radio SOQ But you know I'm falling for these I saw the first commercial for this During the Super Bowl and then I saw the extended trailer At the theater this weekend For the new Flash movie Because it totally I'm not into the DC Universe I watched those Marvel movies when they were really hot, but I haven't been back to see any of those since the whole main storyline kind of wrapped up. But anyway, my point is, but they're bringing back Michael Keaton's Batman with the music and everything because it's kind of a timeline deal. Do I have that right? It's The Flash? Whatever the new DC movie is.

So Michael Keaton as Batman. No, you're right.

Yeah, he's in it, but then... He's in it because there's a bunch of different universes as is the want these days. and so they they bring back the Danny Elfman music when I'm sure like the total amount of time Batman appears in this film is just like so short relative to the length of the movie but they also know that that's how they're going to get old guys like me into the theater to relive their favorite movie of all time and so I'm sort of tempted to give them my

stupid money so I can see I mean the thing that's interesting about this movie of course is that it stars Ezra Miller, who is an incredibly controversial figure. You followed the Ezra Miller stuff, right?

I don't think so. Maybe if you remind me.

They are a person who has been accused of, well, first of all, just wreaking havoc in Hawaii, showing up at karaoke bars and trying to fight people, and then also trying to break into homes and steal alcohol, and then also starting some sort of quasi-sex and weapons cult in like vermont like really bad stuff going on you told me about this on allegedly for ezra miller and it it raises this interesting question of like can you launch a movie like this and i believe the announcements come from the studio they're not going to work with them anymore you know like um can you launch a movie like this We'll be right back. where the star, because the lead time on something like this is so long. It takes so much time between when you film it to when it's going to be on screen. And there's so many other people in it, like Michael Shannon is playing General Zod. Like, it's a pretty cool-looking cast. Can you make this movie work when the main person in it has been now kind of like, sort of, for the time being, very much written off? That is interesting. Well, ask Armie Hammer.

I got your money, so we know that. Ask Armie Hammer. Yeah, no, I didn't make that connection. I remember you telling me about that now, but I wouldn't have made that connection. Huh?

Yeah. So and then also it now there I will say this, too. After this was all going down and I don't I don't know anything about any of these allegations other than what have just been in the newspaper or something. But I think the latest was that Ezra Miller had gone to rehab and had basically like sort of put out an apology saying that they were dealing with sort of mental health issues and that they were seeking help for it, which they they were kind of in this like Charlie Sheen mode for a while, which was like doing things that we all sort of see as extreme, but being very unapologetic about it, being real tiger blood. And so seeing them get to the point where they were like, no, actually, this is I'm off the rails and maybe off my meds or something. I don't know. Maybe that's enough. Americans love a second act. So maybe Ezra Miller will be back. But as of right now, it looks not great for the career of Ezra Miller.

I'm just happy to hear that Michael Shannon has been able to parlay his success in Pottersville into more roles. I'm Batman. I was going to do it if you didn't.

here i go once again with the email every week i hope that it's from a female no man

it's not from a female sorry that was so low yesterday i was doing crazy things with that file because i knew i needed to play some other audio you know what i mean so i had this one turned way down so it could be playing but then i could play other audio at the proper level i was just spinning a lot of plates yesterday so no that sounds like a lot of people to know that This is not easy, what I'm doing here.

It's a lot of excuses is what I'm hearing.

Hey, we'll talk about Bed Bath & Beyond tomorrow because I do think it's a fascinating topic, really and truly. And it's interesting. There is a place mentioned in this New York Times piece that right when I read it, I was like, oh, yeah, right. If not for this place, TBTL might not exist. And that's only a – I don't even know if that's an exaggeration. Andrew, we'll talk about it tomorrow.

No, that's interesting. Yeah, I have some feelings about that too. I kind of like that place, or at least what it used to be. But I did promise a certain email yesterday at this time, so I will deliver on that today. And this is an email from listener Jack, who was a dazzling donor last week and mentioned very glancingly something about, oh, the time I found out that my dentist was also an adult movie actor. But that's a story for another time to which you and I said, this is the time. This is the place and this is the time.

It's always the time for that story.

And I had also mentioned, I'm only saying this because Jack mentions it in Jack's email, there's also, I followed up by saying I had a weird story about the time my dental hygienist a few years ago asked me if I wanted to smell her armpits. So I'll maybe tell you about that when I'm done with Jack's story. But here's Jack's story. Hello, friendos. This is Jack from Cambridge following up on my dazzling donor message from last week. Some while back, you were talking about embarrassing encounters with doctors outside of the office, and that reminded me of this story. Some 20 or more years ago My 11 now husband and I Were in a video rental store Which was a thing back then We all wore onions on our belts When he pulled up a selection Pointed to a photo on the cover And said isn't this our dentist A bit of research revealed that yes Indeed our dentist had a side career In adult films He even had a Now I don't know what this word is Luke And so that makes me wonder if it's a dirty word Spell it caduceus c-a-d-u-c-e-u-s uh a caduceus i know i know i'm saying that wrong but it was a tattoo how do you spell it again here c-a-d-o it's the it's the it's the medical symbol the snakes with the angel wings and the that's called i don't here let's see how you say that caduceus caduceus i

knew i was saying first of all good job and second of all i guess that's closer i had not

known what that was called yeah caduceus okay it's a good word thank you jack for yeah uh telling me about that so he even had a caduceus tattooed on his back and was using doctor as part of his nom de porn so he was really leaning into it i love it flash forward i mean honestly if we're

gonna be sex positive yeah um i guess like you know good for you it's it's an interesting move for a dentist, but I guess it doesn't sound like this dentist was trying to be coy flash forward to the present and he's still our dentist though i think no longer in the adult film industry so this is 20 years now i have never brought this up with him not because conversation with people wielding sharp instruments in your mouth are always difficult but i've always been afraid he'd ask my opinion about his dot dot dot work performance i'm sure he's fine with people knowing he made adult films but i didn't want to confess if i asked if i could only say i thought uh he was certainly better off sticking to his day job sorry i got a little uh but it sounds like the performance was not as so jack jack stellar as the dentistry

underwhelmed with his with his adult performance but but whelmed with his

dentistry yeah so that's good and then he says i'm can i say one thing i don't think that that

will be the first question from the dentist was how would you think like i don't think jack is to be worried about that like it is a i don't know how you bring that up but i don't think you need to be worried about having to give a review and if you do i would just lie through my teeth or what's left of them after he starts a some kind of removal process you didn't sign up for it's more a question of like what do you think how do you think this dentist will feel knowing that people know that that's what he's been doing although he had been doing as jack sort of says

it doesn't sound like he's shy about that knowledge either like it sort of seems like it's straight i have a theory by the way but you would never like i i hopefully nobody would say like hey i read your book what did you think that's just kind of a gauche question you know

except that's what i ask when people mention tbtl what do you think i god i do not i look away i have a whole theory about dr dongle um and why he had doctor and the caduceus is that what it is caduceus in his thing i am guessing and this is 20 years ago that he was not yet a a doctor i bet you this was aspirational maybe he was in school for it maybe he was paying his way through school it's nice to hear that sometimes they really are working their way through medical school sure yeah but like i have a feeling that this was aspirational at that this was his identity was that he was someone who wanted to someday be a doctor and he was embracing it but he was not yet like practicing dentistry and doing this on the side and i bet you he just didn't think because he was a younger person and because this was his you know again he was i guess i'm i'm i'm speculating here wildly but i could see a world in which you're kind of young and your go-to when you're at a party or maybe you're on a shoot is, well, what are you into? Well, I'm I'm going to dental school because I'm going to be a dentist. And that becomes kind of your talking point. And then, you know, people start calling you Dr. Dr. Dongle. And next thing you know, when you're doing the shoot, it starts to worm its way into your identity. But you're not really thinking through what about when I am a dentist in 20 years? And again, this is not to say that people who, you know, consenting adults who are part of adult films should have anything to feel embarrassed about as long as everyone involved is has agency and is consenting of course there's nothing wrong with it but i just wonder i wonder how this dentist regards this period of their life now

yeah i i my theory would be he was an actor and played a whole bunch of different roles as different professions and then something about the medical role just really stuck and he's like you know what maybe i should just go to school for this and then found out there's a lot less

sex in dentistry is that how many of the people that are in the pizza delivery industry found their passion. That's exactly right. That's exactly right. Ask

Dr. Kirk, who I believe, didn't he deliver pizzas? Or

wait, are you telling me something about Dr. Kirk Honda that we don't know?

No. When Dr. Kirk Honda was on the show last time, he did deliver pizzas. That was just a joke about adult food. I wasn't sure if you remembered that. I will quickly give a recap of my story since Jack at the end of his email says, Andrew, armpits. Again, I think I've told this before. One last quick

First thing, Jack, please, please, please, please, please, if the opportunity presents itself and you feel comfortable, please, if you do ever inquire about this, please let us know how it goes. Yes.

I don't want to tell the armpit story. Don't worry. No, no. I want to hear it. No, no. I'll tell it some other time. I tried to tell it five times. I'm done. I'm not going to tell this story. I'm done. Let's just wrap it up here. I don't want to go back to it. It is in the TBTL archives, and I'm sure I tell the same stories on the show a million times, so I'm sure it'll come up again.

Okay. Okay, as soon as Jack updates us on his dentist, then, okay, how about this? Jack, now you are required to ask your dentist about it so that we will have a reason to inspire Andrew to talk about the armpit story. Because you're speaking of things I don't remember. I don't actually remember how that story goes. So I'm myself personally curious.

Yeah, well, this keeps people listening, including you. Okay, good.

All right, that's going to do it for today's program. but we will

We'll be back here tomorrow with more Imaginary Radio. I'm actually not sure if I'm going to be in Corvallis, Oregon, or here, Andrew. I think I'll be in Corvallis. I'm doing a Q&A tonight at Oregon State University in Corvallis. If you are bored and you're in the greater Corvallis area, come on by. And I think the plan is for me to do the show from there tomorrow, and then I will be heading back. So anyway, in the meantime, have a great Tuesday. Lock up your signs. Oh, are you kidding me? Corvallis. I'm not even bringing my signs with me. I'm taking my magnetic signs off the side of my Mazda CX-5 as we speak.

You have to.

All right. See you all tomorrow. Have a great Tuesday. Enjoy the nice weather if you're somewhere getting that sort of thing. And please remember, no mountain too tall. And good luck to all.

today was crazy started my day by going to the dentist office went in there this morning and thought this is going to be a pretty chill day spoiler alert was not a chill day sat down in the dentile chair dude starts poking around in my mouth like most dentists do but then he starts poking around in my tum-tum and my cheekbones and my chin-chin and i'm like uh definitely violating some personal boundaries my guy but then i'm thinking he's the dentist probably just a prank go home look in the mirror realize this dude performed liposuction on me kind of over it now but looking back at it unconsensual liposuction definitely gonna knock a star off your yelp review my guy power out Let's go.