Muse

You want to see me? Yeah, I have a seat. Is it serious?

Wow. Andy's a little scared. Okay, right there. Right there is the problem. There have been reports around the office that you have been talking baby talk. Why would people say that? Well, I have it on good authority that you said the following.

Can you read that back to me? Andy have a boo-boo tummy. Would you rather me say, hey guys, my irritable bowel syndrome is flaring up, crazy diarrhea happening right now, because things can get real adult real fast.

You are also on record as saying, widdle iddle, footy woodies, num nums, jammies, make boom boom, widdickawiss, and woad eyewind.

Do I sometimes replace R's with W's? Do I sometimes repeat a word to get my point across? Well, if I do, handy saw we. T-B-T-L

I don't know what this is But Jay says it's a f***ing big sea turtle

Excuse me You have one of the largest auras I've ever seen It's been taking up this whole room And I just I had to say something Why are you saying this? This is like a snooze I'm gonna fall asleep And this This is your master plan Huh? Oh no, no Now, this is a whole other awesome thing. This is just a goof. Listen, please, please, please. If anybody doesn't know the difference between a Valance and a Jabot, I really need you to leave. I mean, the chutzpah of these guys, with their fakakta shtick, it's a real Shonda on what it's supposed to be.

A Simca. Yeah. Yeah. It's supposed to be a Simca. Well, all right. Hello, good morning, and welcome, everyone, to a Tuesday edition of TBTL, the show that just might be too beautiful to live.

This is an amazing story. I can't believe this is real. It's real.

My name is Luke Burbank. I am your host.

Oh my God! He unmuted!

Coming to you from the Riverhouse studio perched high up of the mighty Columbia, where we have arrived, my friends, at episode 4014 in a collector's series.

Let the fun begin.

And we have so much audio to play for you today, including a moment from 1983, January 6th, to be specific, when something happened on the David Letterman program. You want showmanship? You got it! It, to me, represents maybe, I don't want to say the pinnacle of television broadcasting, but certainly a high-water mark for the art of entertaining people on television. We will play that for you. Also, speaking of content, of the less robust variety, i.e. it didn't ever happen the first time around. remember the fire festival the thing that was supposed to happen in the Caribbean with Blink-182 and Ja Rule and a bunch of folks who were going to get together down there and have a big fancy festival that didn't materialize. People were trapped on an island 5,000 people were trapped on an island with nothing to eat and no shelter from oncoming storms. Anyway You're fired. They're doing Fire Festival 2 of course. You gotta to be kidding me the dude who went to jail for fire festival one says he planned it while in solitary confinement why was he in solitary confinement because he participated in a podcast while in jail actually i don't know honestly they might have gone light on him should we start should we have tougher anti-podcasting rules in this country it's very it's a it's a it's a fair question anyway maybe we'll pose that question to this guy the longest running co-bro of the show Maybe best known for his depictions of the tall ships Their grace, their splendor And all that intricate rigging He's Andrew Walsh, you're joining me right now Good morning, my friend

Good morning, Luke Did you know that Adam Sandler and Chris Farley Were fired from Saturday Night Live? I mean, not recently I mean a long time ago

That Is that That rings the faintest bell Here, I'm going to do this for your family That was good Was that good? Was that a good little bit of Foley work on my part?

That was really nice. I thought it was going to be overly muted, but no, just a dainty little tap there.

Nailed it. I have the vaguest of memories of that, but, of course, that just seems like madness because they were probably the two biggest stars on that show. It feels like that would never happen in this day and age. It's like you you get you get super famous on Saturday Night Live and then you decide to leave because you want to go pursue your career elsewhere. It's not like, oh, hey, you're our two most popular performers. We're going to go ahead and fire you.

Yeah, that's why I found a surprise.

as well and i don't have a lot i don't need to take up a lot of the show with this you told me that you have a lot of tape in fact you said some of it is tv related tape so i'm hoping i'm hoping and opening this is an entree into that against hope i'm hoping against hope but uh i just happen to be uh you know that do you still get that email that daily digest from pocket the pocket app yes which is like a newsreader app uh but it also suggests articles to you uh today one of them was from Rolling Stone, the 50 worst TV network decisions made in history or something along those lines. And near the top of that list, or near the bottom of that list, number 46, I should just say, was Saturday Night Live fires Adam Sandler and Chris Farley. Apparently, the 94-95 season had terrible ratings. According to Rolling Stone, ratings were in free fall, reviews were brutal, and NBC brass were flirting with the possibility of canceling the show. So SNL had to make a bunch of changes. They always or often in this situation would clean house. But they're saying even if they're in a clean house, they should have held on to their main talent. But in this case, they also fired Adam Sandler and Chris Farley, which I did not know that. I did not remember that. Maybe I wasn't reading Variety enough at the time. I didn't know what the House of Mouse was doing. Yeah, you didn't know that Prexy had ankled the deal with Mouse House? Were you mad? You know, I had some misgivings yesterday about something I put on our text chain to the whole group. You and I always, we kind of have this inside joke, but I guess it's, first of all, it's not an inside joke. It's just an ongoing joke. And I guess I think of it more as your joke, but often when the Mariners are playing the White Sox, we'll point out how much the announcer Rick Riz will refer to the south side of Chicago. we're going and i turned down the last three innings of the game last night and i heard rick riz refer to the south side of chicago at least 15 times and you know what's amazing about that

andrew huh i listened to the probably the first half of the game on the radio because i was running a bunch of errands down in town that's my life now by the way i try to bundle all of my errands together i'm like well i'm going to the big city that's what it was like growing up in valley city I better I better make sure that I make the most of this. And so I was listening to I did. I pulled a real power move, which was as I was walking around in Home Depot and other places, I was listening to the Mariners on one AirPod. Oh, yeah, I used to do that. Yeah, sure. I've officially become that person who's both asking about floor paint and monitoring if Teoscar Hernandez is going to come through in the clutch. right but during the first half of the game rick riz mentioned the south side of chicago easily 40 times so if we combine what you heard on the second half of the game what i heard in the first i was mentally making that joke to you the entire time i was driving around longview washington which was just like the south on chicago's south side and i was like oh my god have you mentioned that it's chicago south side yet rick he's also from there so he's especially connected to it

And he always talks about growing up playing in the sandlot, which I always like. I mean, I feel like his memories and his stories from the past get even more gauzy as time goes on and romanticized. And like he really, I think he thinks he was one of the kids in the movie The Sandlot. Yes. Does that take place in Chicago, actually?

I don't know, but, you know, spiritually it does. Right, exactly. I think in his mind, he and Sandy Koufax were chased by a large dog.

So I was going to text you directly, and I wasn't even sure what your baseball watching or paying attention to-ness was yesterday.

Oh, I was monitoring Rick Riz's South Side of Chicago mentions closely, let me tell you.

But instead of just sending it to you, I sent it to the whole group, just knowing that, like, out of the blue, I was not really part of the text chain last night. But then I just jumped in to say, any idea what side of Chicago the Sox are from? Riz refuses to say it on the radio broadcast. And after I just said that mostly to make you laugh But I'm like well why hide this light Under a bushel why not share it with the whole Group but then later I was kind of like but that's kind of weird I kind of just made Luke's joke to the Whole group

First of all that's a shared joke and you know you got some Hop-ons our good friend John Goodwin of CBS Television said I wish I loved Anything as much as Richard loves Geography so I think You got a good response on that I mean any kind of Any kind of response to one of our little sort of what would you call it offerings on the sports text chain is always appreciated yeah no

that's good i just later on maybe i was just like later on it wasn't even in the moment it was like later i'm just thinking oh was that a weird move i don't know i get embarrassed sometimes

well i'm about to hit you with a weird move and wow in the club uh-huh that's um that's my finishing move if i were a professional wrestler i'd be like oh he's breaking out the weird move

I like the idea of a song called Hit Me With The Weird Move in parentheses in the club.

The song would be called Hit Me and then in parentheses would be or would it be the weird move parenthetically

hit me. I was thinking hit me with that weird move and then in parentheses in the club, but maybe that's putting too fine a point on it. Maybe everybody knows where the weird moves are happening.

Do you go to Club Haunted House?

I actually want to

go to Club Haunted House more than Aqua.

I couldn't remember the name of the other

club. That thing has been recently, sorry, we're about to descend into I think you should leave town, but that particular sketch has got Tim Heidecker in it and the premise is handsome heidecker i know i'm i'm not the world's not ready for handsome tim heidecker please go back to being like the rest of us tim um but it's the the premise is tim it starts off like it's a commercial for a an implant that you get that kind of monitors your heart rate the kind of the kind of medical product that you would see advertised um during television aimed at maybe older folks and it's tim heidecker and he's a construction worker and he's working on deck and he's talking about you know meeting with his doctor who can now monitor his heart rate to make sure that his heart rate is you know is in the range it should be in and then what unfolds in the sketch is that tim heidecker's character sorry tim robinson's character was a construction crew that built a deck on a dance club that's very hard to get into called aqua and as he's talking to his doctor who noted that his heart rate went way up the night before tim heidecker his doctor, realized that he's been going to Club Aqua and also this this club called Club Haunted House.

He's he's monitoring his nighttime activity, essentially, by seeing that his heart rate is going up late at night.

So he knows he's clubbing. And he's and he's obsessed. Tim Heidecker's character is obsessed with getting into these clubs that nobody can get into. So every time he sees Tim Robinson's heart rate go up, he calls him. Are you at Club Aqua? But to me, the funniest part of it is that it starts related to this thing called Club Aqua. But then what Tim Heidecker's character says repeatedly throughout the sketch is, I actually want to go to Club Haunted House more than Club Aqua. Like, I don't know how they landed on that being this repetitive thing, but it just kills me. I actually want to go to Club Haunted House more than Club Aqua.

And it's just so good. Oh, it ends. I remember liking the power out, but it's dark, right? It wouldn't work in the context here.

Well, if you think Kim Kardashian's head falling off his dog.

Yeah, that's right. He says falls off. That's right. They finally say, yeah, I went to the club. What happened?

The deck that Tim Robinson's character built at Club Aqua collapses, and Kim Kardashian's head falls off.

Falls off. That's right. So it's not grotesque. Okay. Anyway, that is the story of that. Back to my questionable decision around audio.

So as you know, I am a big fan of the radio program Today Explained. It's put out by Vox Media. It's hosted by Noel King and Sean Ramiswaran. It is produced by our dear friend and TBTL aficionado, Amine Alsadi. And Avishai Artsy, my good friend. Oh, yes, your friend from back in the day.

I mean, this is the— Two people that I know and love, but from very different walks— Well, not very. I mean, they're both public radio colleagues, but from different walks of my life are now both working on that show.

Luke's Friends, Andrew's Friends, Public Radio, Collision Course. Dan? It's so good. public radios back Andrew no it's just it's a really good show would highly recommend it and one of the things they do on the show that's pretty genius is they play a lot of audio and they play a lot of drops they work drops into their interviews which I have a theory and I hope that this I hope I'm not trying to borrow any of the glory of the show today explained but I cannot shake the notion that our friend Amina who is a TBTL fan and is now one of the you know like head people over it today explained I can't shake the idea that there was some kind of show meeting back in the day and Amina said hey we should do drops and I'm not saying that to take any credit for how great that radio show is I just feel like they're it seems like not an unlikely thing to me anyway I just think the show is great I love it but something happened the other day I was listening to an episode talking about autonomous vehicles and because they use so much audio and they'll just like like you know the the new york city drop that we play whenever i'm in new york city from the pace picante ad sure yeah they totally like they'll be talking about like and also uh new york has approved autonomous vehicles and they'll just be like new york city that'll just literally play on the show and then it's no there's no reference to it they don't like they don't do the npr thing where they're like uh that is audio from a pace picante commercial from the 80s like they just are fully going for it with the drops and i love it But I heard something the other day that I was like, oh, wow, OK, this is edgy. So they're talking about autonomous vehicles and they're talking about how one of the, you know, there's a lot of pushback on them. In fact, they're trying to. I think I think that some maybe it's even officials in San Francisco are trying to push back.

on whatever entity in california approved the waymo and cruise vehicles to kind of just like run roughshod in san francisco um that was some panel of like three people i don't know who they are exactly but like they approved it and now there is a move to try to like sort of i guess take that approval away or at least moderate it a little bit but one of the arguments for autonomous vehicles is that they're very useful for folks in the disability community um because uh you know the more of these vehicles that are around uh just the more access folks will have and ideally people will be able to get where they want to go so they just start playing audio on this show today explained and i 100 thought they were playing audio from the television program get a life and i was like that's edgy you're talking about folks in the disability community and now you're just using tape from get a life like wow listen to this andrew in california

when they were having this vote about whether to expand the services, so many folks from the disability community came and testified and said that this is something that they want in their lives. This is Pumpkin. She is a service animal. She is a guide dog. Her service she performs, she guides me. I am totally blind. In the last month, I have had three Uber drivers very explicitly deny Pumpkin access to their vehicles simply because she is a service animal. this is not something that an autonomous vehicle is going to do it would be just a huge can you i mean listen mom dad i've got a little surprise for the two of you i think i might just buy you a 30-room mansion in beverly hills california complete with push-button phones i mean how

much does that guy sound like chris elliott and the fact that his dog is named pumpkin you're not hearing it i don't hear it as strongly as you do you weren't driving on i-5 north at 6 30 pm like just kind of zoning out and then you were like holy shit they're playing they're playing Chris Elliott to illustrate a point that's edgy and then I realized no it's just a guy also the fact that the guy's dog is named Pumpkin seems like a name that Chris Elliott's character on Get a Life would name his dog if he had a dog on that show now I'm not trying

you know I'd like to be a yes and kind of feller but you know my superpower is if I have a superpower it's recognizing voices so that didn't strike me as much it does sound though do you feel like that's your superpower i'm this is a real question well

it really puts me on the spot because then you can really test me but no no i don't want to test you but i feel like i'm test i'm pretty strong at recognizing faces generally but do you feel like you're because you talk about your face blindness do you feel like as your superhero origin story because you can never identify anyone's face your your ears have become more

sort of like attuned i would say my first superpower is being able to take a punch in the face i've never tested that one i just have confidence in it let's not test it no let's punch me as hard as you can um what did you think hey i think almost everybody at some point has said or been told punch me as hard as you can right when do you think the last time somebody said that to you was oh man because as kids kids are always saying that right punch me as hard as you

can yeah that was i was always that was more of a shoulder type situation maybe sure yeah like you know or like a Hertz donut hey you want a Hertz donut did you did he do that in Ohio yeah

I remember that oh then you punch me say a Hertz donut yeah I'm trying to think because I don't think I'm I never I don't think I'm the type of person who invited that I think as you know I was

getting enough of that I was getting yeah exactly I think by the way that's real privilege I'm not you think I'm you think I'm being sarcastic I'm not it's real privilege when you feel safe enough in the world that you and your buddies can be like hey hit me as hard as you can because you're not also getting hit really hard by people that you didn't ask them to do it you know what I mean like so you're kind of got your defenses up um but anyway I don't know why I said that yeah I do

recognize voices really well though it is a strange thing even if I can't and of course I'm terrible just terrible at like remembering celebrities names so sometimes I'll recognize a voice and I'll like kind of freak out I'm like I know who that is I just can't tell you who that is because the other part of my brain is completely broken or all the rest of my brain is broken so um that that's where i run into trouble but i do feel like i can pretty much i i often can home in on a voice and identify that person i want to say this about face punching it being punched in the

face hurts much less than you think it would i'm not encouraging people go out on where in the face

like a straight onto the nose would cause some real damage yes the nose is not great but like

the thing about fighting and again i thankfully haven't done it in many years and i plan to never do it for the rest of my life lord knows it would not end well for me at this advanced age i went for a jog the other day in portland and then i was i was at becca's house and then i was sitting on the floor playing with the cats and i got up to walk to the shower and she said are you all right like that's what my physicality is these days like if i've exercised at all and then i need to move after that it's

like I'm experiencing some kind of medical episode. These are the reasons I won't be fighting in a town near you. But when in a fight, it's amazing how not painful any of it is because there's just so much adrenaline. It's also not cool, as I've mentioned. Like I once punched a kid in school named Tim Mosby in the middle of class, square on the sort of orbital. And I just remember, I might have been... What is an orbital? i think and by the way i might have misused i might use the wrong word i think that's the bone around your eye oh okay yeah okay um and uh like it was a solid connection and a closed fist because i had seen a john wayne movie where he had done this move and i wanted to test it out it was a terrible reason to punch someone i later came back and apologized to the class and tim mosby and cried anyway i remember after did you do it in a john wayne voice you say partners i'm sorry go ahead um i uh i i remember somebody said did he just smack him because it doesn't sound like the movies it's not like batman something doesn't go kapow across the screen it's like doesn't sound like a movie fight it doesn't feel like a movie fight um it's not uh not worth it is i guess my message for the kids today do you think we have any kids listening yeah stop

punching each other in the face that's today's lesson as hard as you can please

hello and welcome to top story before we get to a great moment in television andrew i have to tell you that uh you predicted it yesterday when we were talking about costco yeah and uh how you one one needs to be careful when one is one does not simply walk into costco and buy mass quantities of something you've never had before because um i've made a huge mistake oh no is this the mango it's the mangoes andrew they're sugar they're covered in sugar oh that light i know that light light light sugar because mangoes are so sweet by themselves yeah you don't like like they don't need it and i mean they're healthier obviously like i love a good dried mango but i have these two enormous bags of dried mangoes. And yesterday afternoon, after we were done recording various programs, I went and I was like, I'm going to treat myself to some dried mango. And I open the bag and I take a bite and it's like candy. And I look, the second ingredient is cane sugar. And I would just say they don't need sugar. Mango seasoners of the world, we don't need any sugar on them. They're already pretty sweet.

I have a question for you. It's a delicate question. And I'm seriously, in all seriousness, seriously, not trying to throw anybody under the bus here. But I am curious. You said that you sort of took a flyer on these things. You hadn't had them before, but you were with Becca, who says, I've had those and they're good. Now, you've also mentioned on the show quite a bit that Becca is a very clean eater. So did Becca know it had sugar?

She didn't authorize the mango purchase.

Oh, you didn't run the mangoes by her?

I didn't because they're dried mangoes.

Oh, I thought specifically that was one. No, that was raviolis. Oh, I think you might have misspoke yesterday because I could have sworn you specifically said that the mangoes were Becca approved. Okay, gotcha.

Okay, if I said that yesterday, that was incorrect. The raviolis were Becca approved. There were other things that were Becca approved that have proven to be good and edible. I was freelancing on the mangoes because there were periods of time where we would separate in the store. She'd go off to get what she was getting, and then I would go off to get my stuff. And on one of those sojourns was when I grabbed the mangoes. So I'm just saying if any listeners want about 12 pounds of overly sweet mango, I've got it for you.

Well, somebody will want that, so be careful. Let me tell the listeners he's never shipping that to you guys. No, I'm shipping it to you.

I'm bringing it up the next time I'm in town. When are you going to be in town again? When am I going to be in town again? Let's see here. I'm trying to think about my plans for the rest of the summer.

Should we mention that the summer games are coming up next week?

I was hoping no one would notice.

I will say that the summer games, I think, are evolving to sound more and more like just regular time TBTL. So I do think people will enjoy these quite a bit. I mean, we do play games, but I think we end up just talking about a lot of other things in our lives. So if anybody is concerned about that.

Yes, exactly. i was going to say i feel like chat gpt we're learning like i feel like we are evolving as broadcasters with the summer games the first leap forward was when you had the idea the genius idea andrew instead of us recording new intros and instead of us putting old wine in new wine skins and and playing reruns why don't we just do a new show but keep it a little shorter although it always ends up being about 45 minutes that was a genius that was a genius breakthrough on your part

that was a long time ago that's before the games that's when we were we would do like shows about our first cars or

what have you right themed yeah exactly and and then the next evolution because i think what people seem to like about this show is just the sort of day-to-day rhythm of it the fact that you know well i will tell you on uh on monday that i bought a bunch of mangoes at costco and i'll tell you on tuesday that they're covered in sugar there's something about that just sort of life casting blog aspect of the show that people like. And sometimes the summer games, which are very fun, and we're so thankful for all the awesome games that the listeners send in, people might feel like a little bit of that is lost. Well, what I will tell you is that is not lost this year because what you and I have done is created sort of a parallel time stream where we're reporting on our lives that are happening while we're also recording the summer games, which also means we haven't gotten to as many of the questions in the games as maybe we could have otherwise. But I think it is the most, what's the word, simulacrum of a regular episode of TBTL you're ever going to get. I probably also totally, I probably mangoed that word, Andrew, pretty badly there.

I feel like we look that one up all the time.

I know. It does, let's see what the, what's the name? Simulacrum. Simulacrum? That sounds dirty.

Does it sound dirty?

An image or representation of someone or something, a small-scale simulacrum of a skyscraper.

Simulacrum.

It's also an unsatisfactory imitation. So it's not that. Okay, no, it's not a simulacrum. It's the opposite of that. It's an anti-simulacrum. I will say this.

If you are allergic to simulacrum, do not take simulacrum.

No, if your simulacrum lasts for more than four hours, consult a doctor. All right, let's talk television, Andrew. Now, I've already probably way oversold this, but I saw this clip bouncing around the internet yesterday, and I just thought it was you and I as professional broadcasters and as people who think a lot about radio and to some degree television and sort of what we would do if we were producing a show and something went sideways, how we would handle it. I think this is a really funny thing that the David Letterman show did in 1983. So the setup is they were due to have Levon Helm from the band, right? I rolled into Nazareth. I was feeling about half past dead, that guy. Also from The Last Waltz. Are you familiar with the work of Levon Helm? Is he somebody that's on your radar or was on your radar when he was alive?

Not really. Like, I'd always heard of the band. Who's the other guy in the band? Who's the other fan? Robbie Robertson, who just died, actually. Robbie Robertson, right. Okay, yeah. But no, that's all I know. What I know is I can say there's another guy in the band And you can tell me who it is That's what I know about the band

Well it's a start Famously the last waltz Which was the Scorsese music documentary That lots of old heads are obsessed with It all sort of coalesces Or it all ends with this Concert in San Francisco And a lot of it revolves around Levon Helm He was a drummer, he was a singer He wrote a lot of a lot of hit songs and also was an actor later in his life and was a real character, apparently. So Levon Helm is supposed to be a guest on the David Letterman show. But as David Letterman is, you know, getting is he's coming out on stage to welcome everyone. It is unknown if Levon Helm is actually going to show up. And so what they do, because Levon Helm does not show up, is he just brings out the booker for the show and interviews him about Levon Helm. This is kind of some long tape, but I'm just going to start playing it for you, Andrew. I think it's very, very entertaining.

We have a lot of important, exciting work here to accomplish in American television tonight. A good friend of ours, Mr. Jay Leno, is on the program here.

By the way, that's weird, right? Back, like, when Dave Letterman and Jay Leno were pals?

Yeah, no kidding. Sorry, I was muting my microphone because I was sneezing there. So sorry about the lack of response. Oh, that's okay.

I'm used to it. Mm-hmm.

now what about name number two is name number two on the program we have scheduled the following person on our show uh mr levon helm is scheduled to be here tonight that's it

also i think it's fascinating that there was a time in network television where you might not have one of the guests like they've got letterman out there promoting levon helm is going to be there but he literally doesn't know if the guy's going to show up or not yeah that's interesting

I mean, it's funny. I think of the Larry Sanders show. Did you watch the Larry Sanders show? Some of it, which I know was not a documentary. But whenever I hear about stuff like this in this era of television, it certainly seemed like kind of a looser approach to broadcasting than I assume it is now. It seemed like it was all the way they depicted it in that show was that it was always a bunch of spinning plates. You never know what actually is going to.

happen and in fact i believe it's janine garofalo who plays i almost said garoppolo that's how long it's been since i've seen the truth about cats and dogs and i did draft her on my fantasy team

though i think she's actually going to surprise some people down there in las vegas that would

be such a good name for your fantasy team the janine garoppolo's are you doing fantasy this year is it too late for you to integrate that you know what i am doing it in fact i was just having conversations about the draft last night and i sent a text message to i thought the commissioner saying hey listen I'm sorry I can't draft in person if you want to put somebody else in my slot this year that's totally fine I'm being earnest here like no big deal if you want to put somebody else in there and then she replied hey calm down you're not the only one who can't make the draft and that's when I realized I had sent that to the entire league I had texted the entire strong start this yeah exactly so anyway uh that was an embarrassing thing that happened to me last night um but uh yeah so I do just again from watching this fictionalized show I did always appreciate that almost it's felt like live television it is you know it is pre-taped usually right but like this idea of like will these people show up will they not and I believe

Garofalo plays the booker on that show um you're probably right in that the behind the scenes of any of these television shows whether it's Colbert or Fallon or whatever or Kimmel it's probably more chaotic than we realize but the idea of somebody walking out on stage and literally promoting a guest is pretty interesting to me just as I feel like in this day and age they would just call it They'd be like, well, they're not here. We're not going to go say their name on stage if we don't know if they're going to actually materialize or something. So this is – anyway, he ends up going over to the desk and –

We must be doing something else. I'm guessing there's something else in store for you home viewers. Now, please, at this time, say hello to our good friend, a marvelous performer, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Paul Schaefer.

By the way, this whole thing just makes me miss this show so much.

When you just said, set this up by saying it's from the David Letterman show, I had a pang of a feeling that I don't know how to describe. And it's funny that you brought that up because I wasn't going to. It feels like, I don't know. It's like that feeling when somebody in the public eye who's beloved dies, but you didn't really know much about them. But then in reading the obituaries, you're like, oh, I kind of now want to get on this train. But also now that makes me really sad. That's sort of the feeling that I had when you said, oh, this is from 1983, David Letterman. I'm like, this is going to give me feelings.

Yes, it's so it's such good television. I wish there was more of this happening in this day.

Heavens sakes, I was caught off guard. So much drama here tonight. I was taken aback momentarily. and by the way if you've ever been taken aback momentarily you know just how painful that can be

i mean come on i just i just love dumb shit like that if you've ever been taken back momentarily you know just how painful that can be uh now this is interesting i'm going to explain

something here to you folks my next guest played drums and sang with the legendary rock group the band he then went on to a career in films receiving great acclaim for his portrayal of Loretta Lynn's father and coal miner's daughter not only that he's not here tonight has not arrived uh he for some reason or another we believe that he is in transit and perhaps will be here uh so in the meantime until Mr. Levon Helm possibly arrives we thought we'd let you meet the gentleman who was responsible for this booking on our program uh talent coordinator and segment producer Mr. Gerard Mulligan ladies and gentlemen I want to clarify this is not a bit

This is not a guy pretending to be the talent coordinator for the David Letterman show. This is a guy named Gerard Mulligan who literally booked Levon Helm and now has to tap dance because Levon Helm has not materialized.

Thank you. Thank you.

Sorry we have to meet under such circumstances. That's all right. And once again, Jerry answering the question, is there a dress code for the staff? No. Not on the money we make. No. Now we were. No. we were all looking forward to meeting mr levon helm uh with the band and of course call miner's daughter and uh tell us nobody was looking forward to it more than i guess i can imagine so i'm still looking forward to it now no is there a chance he will be here tonight your guess is as good as mine now now we don't mean to infer that uh he is negligent we are under the impression he's on his way right well he pinned it down to this week i don't think we ever told him a given

no no no we we specified it now now tell me what you kept telling me all day well he'll be here i think don't worry well we'd like to have you go on in a good frame of mind can we do anything to ensure that good frame but he is he's in route traveling he's coming down from woodstock i think as anyone who's followed the band's legendary career the big pink the house at big pink they live up he lives up there in the i don't know if he's still in the big house i was going to ask him this when he showed up what other what other things would we have heard from levon had he been i think he had some great stories i think we booked this guy because we knew he had anecdotes kind of a natural storyteller natural storyteller not not good with time but real good with the anecdotes let me ask you this what do we know of levon's relationship with bob dylan now it's real curious i was going to ask him about that because as you as you as you know he backed he backed dylan at his famous forest hills appearance in 65 when dylan went electric all the fans know and then dylan made a world tour and he took all the band with him except levon helm we don't know if levon levon went back to arkansas right yeah we don't know if he didn't want to tour with dylan or what the deal was because later he he did play behind together yeah it would have been great why don't you run right

it would have been great it's so it would have been great it's this guy by the way is also just a total natural like I love he's really great on his feet

why don't you run

I'm sorry I'm playing so much tape no go ahead no I didn't say anything

one of those legendary great songs that the band was responsible for well I guess the night they drove old Dixie down I guess he's always identified with Levon Helm and I meant to ask him this would have I think thank you thank you are they just applauding the song they're applauding the producer just naming a leave

on helm song and then there's this moment where the producer realized they're sort of clapping for him saying the name of a song that he had nothing to do with i think he says i feel

identified with this music right now or something well you know that brought up an interesting point i was gonna i was gonna ask the guy you see that you see the last waltz of course i think we all like that yeah he's playing the drums he's playing the drums and he's also singing now i would just care i was going to ask him if that's some kind of a string is that difficult well we have a drummer and a singer steve is that hard to do drumming if you work on it you know give us give us an example steve of drumming and singing simultaneously i think we have the time so

i love that the drummer's not even properly miked yeah yeah yeah and he goes and he goes right into The Weight is technically the name of that song.

This is great. I like this. That's of course a band song. That's right. You know, I want to say one thing, David. It's a breakthrough. It's a wonderful concept. We just kind of discussed the guest. I'm starting to feel more and more like Ed Subitsky out here. Just to show that we really were in earnest about this, His manager is here. His manager. Well, let's meet Levon Helm. No, he won't come out. He won't come out.

By the way, I edited this part out for time, but David Letterman then gets up, goes backstage, and starts talking to everyone in the green room who's not Levon Helm. The camera follows him? The camera follows him, which is interesting because, obviously, they must have had a plan to do that because somebody's got a camera on their shoulder. But nobody in the green room is miked. I don't think they're ready for it. It's hilariously awkward. he's just going around introducing David Laramie's going around introducing himself to various people who are all there waiting for Levon Helm and he's looking for the manager yeah he's talking to the manager and I cut it out because it's kind of long and kind of hard to hear and this is already a long enough tape but just know that that happens

I wanted to ask you

now he's back from having done the backstage

about how Mr. Helm learned to act well the story is as I read it as I say I haven't talked to the gentleman he has a friend Tommy Lee Jones we know Tommy Lee Jones and they were in the movie coal miners daughter together tommy lee jones playing mooney and uh according to the story as i read it in rolling stone we do we do we do a lot of research on this i don't think people realize just how much we do he was he and tommy lee jones were driving to the set and he was they did some or something and tommy lee jones told him six or seven things to do to be a good actor don't mumble and don't rush rush and things like this and that's it It was pretty natural. Is he here? Is he here? Don't kid about that, please.

Somebody off stage. You can tell. I mean, they're really tap dance. You hear the excitement in their voice. Don't kid about that, please. Yeah, when both of them, for a moment, think Levon Helm has shown up because of something somebody muttered off stage.

Now, you know, I wish that manager would come out. He's a nice fellow. He had a nice suit and a nice cigar. That's the mark of a good manager. A nice, expensive cigar and a good tie. And a client. Sure, a client. And the green room was packed with people we've never seen before. Anticipation, yeah. Yeah, it would have been Keene. You know something? Just me.

I love the way David will use a word like Keene. Right? One thing I noticed at the very beginning was how he's almost doing a – mail. almost doing like a parody of a showman at the beginning like the way he keeps on saying ladies and gentlemen like it's almost like he could be he's almost like doing a bit where he's like selling soap on television sort of except he's introducing a tv show yeah he has a great line

at the beginning which i will start probably playing on the show which is i can't go back to right now because where i'm in the tape but he's saying something like we have a lot of important work to do in american television tonight or something it's just that like faux pompous kind of thing you know that he's totally in on the joke second city

oh really he's related to you talked to him last night oh oh by the way yeah this is an

interesting little moment which is like a eugene levy reference as in you know one of our favorite comedy types they're related i think that i think levon helm's manager and eugene levy because the band was from canada that band the only non-canadian in the band was levon helm he was from arkansas but everybody else was canadian so it would make sense that uh that that that eugene levy who is also canadian and was on of course sctv and many things like that his brother

would be the manager of the band interesting um expensive cigar and a good tie and a client and sure a client and uh and and the green room was packed with people we've never seen before anticipation yeah yeah yeah it would have been keen you know something that this manager gene levy of second city is his uncle oh really he's related to you talked to him last night He would also have told you Levy See that makes me feel less bad

About the times when we can't pronounce people's names

Yeah like every time

Yeah and also I to this day If you put a gun to my head I couldn't tell you how Dan or Eugene Levy's last name is pronounced

I always say Levy but I'm never sure if it's right Yeah

Let's get him on the phone He would have told you that in 25 years He's never known Levon to miss an appearance Well it's kind of a landmark for everybody you know we have another guest lined up we do have another guest yeah bernard king of the of the nixon bernard king of the nixon now explain why we have access to bernard king but not leave on helm bernard king was in the building he was right across the hall okay so what do we do we're

going to go to a commercial and uh okay oh i just caught that last part what did you hear what Somebody said Larry Budd. That would be a reference to Larry Budd Melman.

No.

Remember that guy? Oh, he was, you know, if you Google Larry Budd Melman, my guess is you would recognize this guy. He was a character. He was on Letterman's show all the time. I don't know what his origin story was.

Oh, the guy with the glasses, older guy with the glasses. Yeah, Larry Budd Melman. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So he said, we're going to go to a commercial, and then we'll come back. And then somebody just yelled, Larry Budd. I see. He'd, like, bring out Larry. Bring out Larry Bud Melman. Were you a, did you watch a lot of Letterman when you were, like, in college or in your kind of early working days? Like, was it a thing that you were ever kind of that into?

I feel like not, not compared to most people, but, I mean, it definitely, I feel like it was more, like, late high school that, like, that was the one to watch. Or every now and then, like, literally set your VCR to auto-record it and watch it the next day. I can't remember specific bits, but I definitely know that I appreciated Letterman, and that was the only one that I cared about. But even that, that was the 90s. I mean, that's forever ago, but it still felt like kind of past the heyday of just the real rawness of Letterman that everybody would tell me about. Literally, my parents would talk about it.

When you had like Jerry Lawler smacking Andy Kaufman.

Right. Well, yeah, that's so weird. I can't even I can't even peel the the the skin of that onion but or the layers of that onion but like just the rawness of just like I don't know bring out the Velcro wall or drop things off the roof and see what happens like it just felt like those really early days were almost like like a cable access television before cable access television.

Yeah, totally And I was a little young for that The Andy Kaufman days on Letterman would have been Like in 83, when this was happening I was 7 years old So A, we don't even have a TV in the house And also I'm in bed or whatever But towards, I would say, the later 80s When I kind of got really interested in comedy and television I would try to watch Letterman whenever I could And then for me, Conan was just like everything Like when I was working at Bumpy's Fruit and Yogurt A lot of Bumpy's content coming up on the Summer Games, by the way, so tune in for that. Peter Williams and I, we would get done with our shift at Bumpy's. We would take all of the tips out of the tip jar. I think we were supposed to pool them with the other employees, but we'd just take all the money. We'd go to the Jack and the Bucks on 85th and Aurora. We would order, I would say, easily 20,000 calories worth of food. drive back

to peter's house and then watch conan and just chew through just tear through all this jack-in-the-box food um and it was just bliss and that would be like maybe the summer between my junior and senior year of high school and so and i i always liked i always liked letterman and like when when he was retiring and they were doing that sort of like kind of his it wasn't his farewell tour because he wasn't going but it was like they brought the tour to him like you know everyone who had been on his show over the years who he really loved and who loved him were kind of coming on and you know honoring him and stuff i i watched every one of those episodes like david letterman has been a very big influence on me comedically i mean not that i think believe me i don't think uh i'm worthy to uh you know clean david letterman's comedy shoes and why he wears comedy shoes

is a secret only he knows they're not that funny honestly but um but like you know i'm not trying

to compare myself to him but i'm just saying when i listen to this tape i'm reminded of how big of a deal in my life david letterman has been and how big of a deal in your life he's been from the movie cabin boy speaking of chris elliott because you play that audio a lot right you remind me of

my niece she's a dietician i love that line it goes through my head all the time that is i mean

i've i've never even seen the entire movie cabin boy but the scene where letterman is just this random guy selling sock monkeys um he's a sailor though right i think he is but he's oh you're one of them fancy lads like just everything that letterman is saying is kind of non-sequitur

let's take a listen like his niece is a dietitian you know what you are you're you're one of those little uh fancy lads aren't you boy you're cute gosh what a sweet little outfit is it your little spring outfit you couldn't be cuter you're so adorable oh my you know you remind me of my Sally lovely girl she's she's a dietician I used to use that in the mixtapes all the time

um so from the height of entertainment which to me would be the David Letterman show to the the lowest depths of attempted entertainment uh an announcement uh has come out on uh probably TikTok I'm just going to guess TikTok that they're putting together uh another supposedly fire festival two did you watch the documentary about the first fire festival there were two

documentaries weren't there wasn't this one of those deals where there were like two different teams working on the same story and i i think i watched part of one but we talked about it a lot i don't think i sat down to consume the whole one i could be wrong about the competing documentaries

i'm not sure no i actually think you might be right because i think there was one the guy is named billy mcfarland and one of the things he says in this extremely relatable excellent video that he released talking about fire festival too is something about how he partnered with filmmakers to make a documentary so my guess is there was the one on netflix that everybody watched like during the pandemic which the the only reason i would think you might watch is because it would be very satisfying to you as somebody who doesn't go in for influencing or fire festivals of any kind.

I think I just find it really cringy and uncomfortable.

It's really not your thing, and this really lays bare just how bullshit a lot of this stuff is.

I can't look at a grossly made sandwich without thinking of the photos that came out of there. I'm not joking. Weren't they showing just Wonder Bread with one slice of American cheese and one piece of bologna on it?

In one of those styrofoam? Yeah. Like little styrofoam box?

Like clam shell, yeah.

I mean, would you say that that's the least appealing vessel for any kind of food? I feel like you could put some kind of Michelin star food in one of those styrofoam things, and it will make it inedible. There's something about that presentation.

Specifically, the styrofoam or even the paper ones that are composable now but are the same shape. Not that it matters.

The styrofoam for me is extra bad. The styrofoam, yeah. Worse than the paper ones. Also, I have a—

The way the fork will sort of pop through the bottom, you'll hear that. Yeah, yeah. Exactly.

I have a sensitivity also to, I've talked about it before, like cotton balls. Oh, yeah. And the styrofoam has a similar, like as I talk about it, when I say I have a sensitivity to cotton balls, the hairs on my arm, what few there are, as a very non-hersuit person, stand right up on end. Like if I think about the idea of grabbing all of the cotton balls out of like an aspirin thing, Andrew, it makes, I have a physical reaction to even talking about it. It's the only thing I can think of like that for me where I – there's something going on in my brain that is beyond my control and it's not for effect or as a – to be extra. It legitimately is like – in fact, when I was putting this yellow jacket slash wasp trap together the other day, it comes with a cotton ball. And that's what you douse with this pheromonal attractant that the yellow jackets really love. And the act of taking that cotton ball And putting it in the little thing it sits in Was like I almost couldn't do it I'm not exaggerating I almost could not pick up the cotton ball And put it down in the thing Because of how much I don't like that high frequency

see like whatever and those styrofoam containers have a little bit of it it's not as bad but they

have a little bit of that going on yeah I can sort of see that because I I knew that about you with the cotton balls that had never occurred to me before but you're the one who told me like that they squeak in a way and I think about that sometimes I don't think I would have thought of cotton balls as squeaky until you said that I wonder if that's another like get at me if that's

another uh sign that I have undiagnosed ADHD I feel like most of this show now is me describing things and people emailing going, you know that's classically a thing that people with ADD or ADHD manifest or demonstrate. That's probably another one on the list. I've basically at this point just diagnosed myself with ADHD because of how many characteristics I have that seem to be consistent with that sort of a thing. Anyway, the part about this that's interesting to me is apparently when Billy McFarland, and for anybody that doesn't know, the Fyre Festival thing they they basically sold all these tickets to this thing and then just didn't get their shit together and then had no festival but 5 000 people descended on this like basically i don't know which island they were on but they descended on this island where a big storm moved in and there was really nowhere for them to stay there was no food there were no performers it was a complete shit show and this guy went to jail for this thank thank goodness and um while he was in he went to solitary confinement for participating in a podcast while in jail geez yeah and uh and so and apparently while he was in solitary this is his narrative now he uh he thought of the idea of fire festival too this is billy mcfarland in his how do you come very loud what's that how do you

come up with it the idea of fire festival too he came up with this idea of just rolling it back I just sort of like that And then in jail he came up with an idea Fire festival too

Well it reminds me of one of the stories I've probably told on this show A lot But my first ex-wife who's an artist Was friends with a lot of artists in LA And there was a guy Who she knew from an art program That she taught at named Barry And Barry had These two stories that he would always tell And I found them both to be hilarious and weird and one of them was provably a lie he always said that he was the person who did the original the actual drawings the actual paintings and sketches that leo dicaprio's character in the movie titanic is supposedly painting and sketching of like um kate winslet draw me like one of your french girls jack like barry would say that he did those drawings now the reason that's provably false is because james cameron i think famously did those drawings and it's written about a lot That it was actually James Cameron His other big story was that he had named the Bedazzler

Yeah

And that he had also named the Bedazzler 2 And he had this long drawn out story About how he had like the guys from the Bedazzler Over a barrel Because they were like Barry you named the first one And it sold 10 million units And I made him wait for two weeks And then I wrote it down on a piece of paper I pushed it across the table And they opened up and it just said Bedazzler 2 And they were like you did it That's one of the greatest weird stories you'll ever hear That's basically Fyre Festival 2 I was in the hole I mean generally I'm not a fan For participating in a podcast I will say this I am generally against the idea of solitary confinement I think that prisons I think there's a ton of evidence That it's extremely bad For the mental health of people who are incarcerated To put them in Segregation and in solitary Confinement for sometimes years on end I mean, it's a I think it's a violation of like the Geneva Convention. It should be. That being said, I am totally not sad that Billy McFarland was in the hole. I feel great about that happening. I kind of wish he was still there. Anyway, here he is.

What's up, guys? This is a big day because as of right now, Fyre Festival two tickets are officially on sale. It has been the absolute wildest journey to get here. And it really all started during the seventh month stint in solitary confinement. i wrote out this 50 page plan of how it would take this overall interest and demand in fire and how it would take my ability to bring people from around the world together to make the impossible happen but how would find the best partners in the world to allow me to be me while executing fire's vision to the highest level i want to point out that this is the one

you put on the internet like no notes like billy you just this is great this is natural first of great setting for the video are you literally standing on the l where is he standing like what uh he's like in a he's like he's in a like kind of like on a all you can see is just the immediate background which is some kind of like um faux foliage or as you like to say foliage foliage

i don't actually say that i just need to be careful not to say uh-huh sure sorry i'm not trying to

i'm not trying to roast my good friend andrew but he is um he's in the like it would appear that he's on like uh like a little small like deck probably i'm guessing in new york or like in you know a borough but he's also like next to the bqe there's some very loud thing next to him and also this is just an extremely not compelling delivery from him like and again this is the one he put on the internet he probably did it 10 times and this was the best one this was the one of these was like i know this is going to get some attention because i'm a noted fraudster and i really want to put my best foot forward and this is his best foot and also just like the um

self-involvement of this entire set like i paired up right i teamed up with partners who will let me be me you're putting together that's what got you in trouble yeah also i like if i go to a festival the last thing i mean on a list of a million things the last thing on my list is yeah but did the person who's putting on this festival was he allowed to be himself during the

process that's such a good point no you know what billy try being someone else yeah right try being honest try being somebody who can organize a festival that does not lead to incarceration like let's go in that direction for you're absolutely right this is not the story of like people are not walking around the streets of america going when is billy mcfarlane going to finally get to be himself yes yeah like what how deluded can you be let's see well together

to make the impossible happen but how would find the best partners in the world to allow me to be me while executing fire's vision to the highest level in my first year i partnered with one of the biggest and best tv companies in the world to produce a documentary called after the fire i've also worked with one of the biggest production companies to sign a deal to produce fire festival

the broadway musical okay i actually would consider seeing that as long as none of the

money i was gonna say yeah but no then you're putting money in his pockets i mean i have to

imagine he's still on the hook for like millions of dollars of you know lawsuits and the like i don't i don't know what the exact uh sort of resolution of that was but i'm guessing there

was a big financial penalty as well for him and finally today we were announcing fire festival too we spoke to people as far away as the middle east and south america and ultimately in places

such as kuwait in places as far away as kuwait and also boca raton florida by the way that would be the perfect place to have it some yeah you know kind of just like arid place that only exists because of oil that like where the you know it's just like a real blight on the planet just in terms of like uh human rights and things and like that's i'm actually kind of shocked this is not happening in dubai or something yeah or mar-a-lago that kind of energy or mar-a-lago the dubai of

florida yes festival 2 is coming back to the caribbean we are targeting fire festival 2 for the end of next year in the meantime we'll be doing pop-ups and events across the world oh thank god guys this is your chance to get in this is everything i've been working towards let's

go oh remind me to literally never say let's go again in my life i mean and i'm guilty of that When I get excited, when the Mariners are scoring their 14th run in a game, I may let an LFG slip, but I am officially eliminating that from my vocabulary or my vernacular, thanks to hearing Billy McFarlane say it. That's the end of the line.

I mean, the biggest gift or the only gift that the Fyre Festival gave us was the line, fuck it, let's be legends or something, when they realized that this thing was going to burn down around them. Was it Ja Rule or somebody said? Wasn't Ja Rule involved with this, too? Yes, good memory.

I'm not surprised Ja Rule wasn't in more trouble.

All I remember is Ja Rule was involved in some way, and somebody, possibly Ja, said, fuck it, let's be legends or something. That's a paraphrase. I don't think I'm getting it.

yeah i have i have a memory of that as well i'm wondering i mean i'm wondering jaw rule must have i mean i'm guessing he wasn't in on the day-to-day logistics that's why he didn't have to go to jail

over this too did he not go to jail because i wasn't sure if he did believe he did i think he

i the only person that went to jail was billy mcfarney there were a lot of you know the like caitlin jenner or whatever like promoted on her and there was a lot of famous people that were kind of like sort of ancillary to this thing and promoting it and you know saying we'll see you at fire festival um but i don't think any of them were found basically it was like the it was like the crypto before we were getting that into crypto we had a bunch of celebrities basically promoting something that they had done zero research on and were leading their flock astray on i was just

gonna bring that up because it does feel very similar to the bored apes thing which i was just seeing headlines which i'm sure you are more read up on than me but i just saw people kind of dunking on like uh jimmy fallon just like showing paris hilton adam yeah exactly with paris hilton on the set and them just like sharing their word monkeys what there's a lawsuit now or something like that whole thing is just basically collapsed i don't remember why it's in the news now do you know i i i don't know why it's in the

news but i've also been seeing it and i just again this is motivated by the fact that i was never i was i wasn't on the rise of crypto and so i'm not on the the drop of crypto and nfts and all of this stuff but it's so unbelievably rewarding delicious delicious is the word i was probably looking for Andrew like a mango covered in sugar to watch these bros who paid a million dollars for a cartoon of a monkey realize that they can now only sell it for like $50,000 like they've lost like the bottom the mark the bottom has fallen out of the board ape NFT market Andrew and it just couldn't happen to a nicer group of people I know honestly just like I mean I'll be honest with you I actually was not i wasn't i didn't hate the aesthetic of the board they're actually kind of cool looking but that wasn't the point though yeah exactly like if you know would i put a poster of a board ape up probably not but just again purely from like an illustration point of view i thought they were kind of cool looking but this idea that like people were buying like a picture of a monkey that you could also screen cap on your phone now granted the blockchain chain would not reflect that you were the owner of it but just this idea that that super rich people were throwing their money at these pictures of monkeys and now that money is gone i just love it you love to see it you absolutely love to see it yeah here i go once again with the email

every week i hope that it's from a female oh man it's not from a female

all right emails or v-mails yes i think i was gonna play this for you yesterday and we kind I ran out of time. I got this stem winder from listener Matt. Hey, guys.

It's Matt from Scoma. Congratulations on independence and 4,000th episode. It's awesome. So my son and I went to T-Mobile Park the other day for Felix Fernandez Hall of Fame induction ceremony. And we're there kind of doing what the other 40,000 people there are doing. We're chatting about the game, about the players, wisecracking, eating, drinking, that sort of thing. And at some point late in the game, you know, it's not a symphony or an opera by any means, right? And at some point later in the game, this woman in front of me kind of turns, puts her arm in the back of her chair and looks towards us. And I kind of didn't notice she was looking at us at that time. And then she turns back. And then a few minutes later, she does it again. And this time I noticed she's looking right at us. And she says, five minutes. You couldn't go five minutes. And then she looks at her hand and makes this sort of yapping motion, like a talking motion with the right hand, gets up and storms out of the section, just storms away and the other four people she's with they're kind of looking around i look at my son i said what do we do he said we didn't do anything i lean forward so the young woman that was sitting to her right she goes that's my mom she said you guys didn't do anything wrong like she was immediately shaking her head you guys didn't do anything wrong my mom's mad she said you guys are talking too much we're talking too much i said listen like if we said something bad or wrong or like it worked like what are we doing like i don't want to make somebody's time be bad here like she said you guys were literally doing nothing wrong my dad thinks the whole thing is funny he said uh she said it was like uh sitting in front of two people recording a podcast so i guess my son and i are doing a podcast now look out guys power out that's one thing and i've

told one story on the show before and i won't i won't tell the whole thing again because it's just another sad and sad andy story but um i know that you probably remember the time i told you by the time I irritated the woman in front of me by chatting too much at a Dodgers game. And I was deeply embarrassed about that because I remember what I was talking about, which was I was trying to talk about baseball and I was at a Dodgers game. I don't know anything about the Dodgers. I think I was like trying to identify former Mariners, but I don't even think I was right about it. I just remember having this good, but probably somewhat nervous energy at this Dodgers game with Genevieve and some friends. And then I got up to, you know, get a snack or something on point. The woman sitting in front of us, who I believe was like I somehow gleaned that they were season ticket holders, turned around and said to Genevieve, I'll never know if she knew that Genevieve was my girlfriend or not. And said, boy, that one never shuts up. That always lives in my head. Also, I was at a Rainiers game a couple of seasons ago. That's the triple A like kind of minor league team about an hour south of Seattle or whatever. um and uh i was there with genevieve and a friend of mine and we were just talking we weren't thinking i don't know we didn't seem it didn't seem to us like we were making any kind of problem for anybody until the guy who was sitting in front of us and he's there with a son who i'm going to put it maybe around age seven and a you know a woman who i assume to be his wife just turns around and says to my buddy just like could you stop it with

You

the cursing i was in the i was in the marines and i've never heard anybody swear that much or something and we're just at a rainier's game yes and the three of us looked at each other like i mean it's true that we don't really monitor what we say so maybe my buddy keith was swearing more than usual but first of all there's no way like this whole like i was in the marines and i've never heard anybody swear that much like that's categorically untrue i mean now listen if there's a kid sitting right in front of you and you're not noticing that you're just dropping f-bombs here and there and the family's like hey could you not like i get that in the moment i didn't love i never loved being hollered at uh even though the guy was not hollering at us you know he tried to say it with a good sense of humor i remember rolling my eyes a bit at it but like that is definitely fair all of this is to say i am very conscious now that when you are sitting in a ballpark and this is not to say that matt did anything wrong i think matt's totally in the clear here i think this woman's off her nut but uh it is you do not realize how well you can hear the conversations the people behind you and because i've embarrassed myself like that before i i don't i don't stay especially quiet at baseball games but i realize that the people in front of me can hear every word i'm saying probably better than the people to my left and right can because of the way sound works and so i'm just like kind of aware of that now

well you've now put your evil inside me andrew because what i'm thinking as you're talking about that and as we're listening to matt's voicemail is i have never ever for one second monitored myself while at a baseball game and i am regularly drunk and regularly think i know everything about baseball and regularly lecturing slash joking slash just making a lot of noise to anyone and everyone around about the game about some weird detail about jay buner about you know what i mean like i i've never for one second thought oh is this am i am i hosting a podcast that this person in front of me did not subscribe to did not get wherever they get their podcasts like i've never thought about that uh extensively and i'm probably the most annoying person to ever sit in front of at one of those games because i never shut up and again i'm usually about four beers deep so i'm extra loquacious and again i think i know everything about baseball and about the players and ricky henderson and whatever like i must just be i must be miserable to sit in front of a game

i like going to games with you because i like the fact that you know a lot about baseball and you point things out like when whether or not anyone asks no whatever i think i'm your friend i find it interesting but um do you remember the time and this i bet you you do not this goes way back well you're cringing because you think i'm gonna say something embarrassing or because you

remember something because i think you're gonna say something embarrassing i remember nothing i

don't think this was super embarrassing but you had forgotten to put on clothes before you came to the ballpark remember i thought that was a dream that was real life no that was real life you don't remember you went to jail for the night anyway okay now that actually does that You and I, this is a long time ago When you were still hosting And I was producing The Ross and Burbank show on Cairo Radio So that's the station of course That TBTL started on But this is long after TBTL is off the radio It's a podcast only I think I'm doing the podcast with you at this time This might have even been the time Do you remember you and I went to a ball game one time And tried to record a TBTL from the stands And you tried to do your best announcer Baseball announcer

And we went and sat way up in the, like, nosebleeds at some point, right?

I think that was different. I think that's the time we went years later to get the sound of people talking about what they put on their hot dogs. Oh, okay, yeah. And then eventually you and I were just like, we need to get out of here. And we, like, went up to, like, the Belfry or whatever. Is that what they call it at a ballpark? I believe that's where the bats live. The Belfry of the ballpark.

They keep all the bats in the Belfry, then they bring them down so the hitters can use them.

Exactly. I only know that word because of Batman. Anyway, what I was going to say was you and I actually had good seats along. I want to say the first baseline, and we were chatting for a big chunk of the game, and then the guy in front of us, and I remember the details of this pretty well. He was a big guy and kind of heavy guy, and it was during the era when a lot of people were trying to cut carbs out completely. Because I remember he was a big guy but drinking white wine, and it was very much of the moment when people who would usually be slugging back beers at a ballpark were drinking things like wine because everybody was like trying to to get into ketosis exactly and i remember him um at some point like kind of as will happen at a ballpark especially if you're talking about the game about baseball and the people around you care about baseball too we started engaging with this guy somehow and he said kind of halfway through our conversation he's like i know who you are you're burbank or whatever and you said something like oh thank you and he was just like no i didn't say I like your show or something.

along those lines but he he was doing it in that kind of like i don't want to pretend like i'm impressed by yeah you know what i mean it wasn't he wasn't trying to it was just like one of those ball busty kind of personality guys but anyway i i'll always remember that i just this this heavyset guy drinking wine and then kind of just being like oh yeah no i know who you are and then being like well i didn't say that i like the show or something but clearly talking about cairo he was a cairo listener not a tbtl listener that i'm quite sure of okay that didn't end as badly as i

No, it wasn't really cringy.

I don't even know if it was worth telling, honestly, now that I'm here.

It brought home the fact that people know who I am, and that's important for me. I want to make sure the listeners know that I'm a pretty big wheel down at the Cracker Factory.

Yeah, exactly.

So to that end. Anyway, speaking of which, a friend of mine just, while we were listening to Matt's voicemail, sent me a message that said that she was like, Oh, I was gifted two tickets to the Mariners' owner's suite on 9-15 against the Dodgers, and I can't make it, but would you like to have them? And I was checking my calendar, and I was saying, yes, indeedy.

Oh, nice. I'd like to hear about that.

Yeah, that'll be, I mean, knock wood, but I'm sure hoping that the Mariners will be in the thick of it still in September. Who knows? Maybe even in first place in the American League West, Andrew.

Just so you know, I'm just checking my calendar, too, and I'm pretty clear. Okay. I would go to that with you

But Andrew I want you to know I'm going to be drinking A lot of white wine And lecturing everyone In the owner's suite

I'm there for it

About Harold Reynolds I will not stop talking About Mike Kingery

Are these 90's Mariners? These are like 80's Mariners

I will go on and on About Spike Owen One time shortstop For the Seattle Mariners Anyway I think I might have

Spike Owen's baseball card

really I feel would that be valuable didn't we do our rip off of Deadspin now Defector yeah but not consciously

because I just happened to go to this this was last summer I went to this garage sale or estate sale or something and some guy had a little it was just somebody's personal garage sale but one fella had a little booth set up there I think he was like the father or father-in-law of the woman running the garage sale and he had I think previously owned a card trading store trading card store and um just had set up this place where he was selling baseball cards and he had packed up like packs of 25 old mariners cards and i and was selling them for like i don't know three or five bucks a pop or something so i just like walked away with like 150 cards that were all mariners from the 1980s through the 1990s i think and so we did open them but i didn't know that we were biting anybody's rhyme in doing so i just wanted to share these cards with you

well it was sort of like when our friend the stew bot was just naming seahawks oh yeah during the 4000th episode and the delight and and you said this on the show but but you saw when we listened to that voicemail for the first time or that video or whatever it was uh the delight that i had over names such as nesby glasgow um that's that's just like if you start naming like 80s mariners i will just i really would just i could listen to that all day and just hearing names like jim beady or gorman thomas i threw a gorman thomas picture down on the um the the sports tech chain the other day i said because our friend john was saying that the little league world series is uh happening again in uh in in williamsport pennsylvania and uh and i said you want to feel old this is the i'm just here to hit dingers kid and then i included a picture of the most arguably one of the most grizzled major league baseball players of all time a former seattle mariner named gorman thomas who like when i was a kid i was like that guy's scary um speaking of little league andrew do you know that northeast seattle is one game away from going to the u.s championship of the little league world series no i did not know that and this morning i was looking up the geography of the northeast seattle little league team and it's uh basically it's it's like sand point it's like north of 520 but south of 145th and kind of hugging lake washington so it's not associated

with it is i'm sorry is northeast seattle a school and this is the team that goes along with it or are these clubs they they pull from various schools in an area they're clubs it's just a team

it's a league and i was on their website the northeast seattle little league website and they said the adjacent leagues are north central which i played in and rug roosevelt university green lake which our friend um joe gerlitz writer of books and manager of your fantasy baseball like joe gerlitz played in rug i played in north central Oh, no.

And so the other one, I guess, was Northeast. And that team has advanced from the state of Washington and then from the regionals and then from the they've made it back to Pennsylvania. And now they're one game away. I think they're playing Texas tomorrow. And if they win that, I think they're in the they're in the Little League World Series finals. A team from basically your neck of the woods, Andrew, to be playing for the Little League championship of the world.

So it's it's the it's a league or a team. That's what I'm confused about. So here's how it works

So the way that it works is In the Northeast Little League There are multiple teams I don't know the names of those teams I could tell you the ones that were in North Central when I was there We had the Lions Club We had Garber Filters We had Domino's Pizza that I played for We had Police Guild We had another one that I forget now It still gets a bell And then the All-Star Team Is going to be the best players

Oh it's the All-Star Team of the league

Yeah, so the Little League World Series, all of the teams that are playing are the All-Stars. They're the best players off of all of the teams that are in that league. And in fact, when I was, not to brag, I was on the All-Star team for North Central, and we got, not because of me, but because of some of these other kids that were on our team that were really good. A kid named Kevin Miller who played for the UW, a kid named Kevin Weinkoop, everybody was named Kevin. Kevin Weinkoop was a solid baseball player, went on to be the principal of Ballard High School. But we had these guys that were just like unbelievably good on that team, on that all-star team. And my memory is we got pretty close to winning the Washington State version of things and moving on. But we did not. But the Northeast Seattle Little League team is really making some noise back there in Pennsylvania. It's very exciting. I might watch the game on Wednesday if I can get there on the ESPN.

That would be fun. And you can tell I don't live near Teddy's anymore because I feel like back in the day I would be at Teddy's and I would have more awareness of this stuff because there would just be like Little League on kind of in the background, you know, and so you would sit there. And it's not unfun to watch, certainly. What a weird way for me to say that. I will tell you what is not going to the U.S. championship, which is the Northeast Seattle Little League website, which should just have a tab that just says teams. Like, why can I not figure out? I want to know the names of these teams. I guess they're all probably just like sponsors, right? Is that the problem? It's not going to be like the Rangers or whatever?

Because of the people that sponsor the teams?

I'm just asking, like, so if this is a league that is usually made up of a bunch of teams and now the all-star team is going to the championship, why, when I go to their website, can I not get a list of the teams that make up the Northeast Seattle Little League?

Yeah, that's odd. I think that we have the same problem with the North Central Little League, whose website I have visited recently, Andrew, for reasons that may become public at some point if our little plan goes through. But I had the same – it was the same issue. I didn't see – I don't know why the teams are not listed. I don't know if it's just because there's nobody – the web presence of these little leagues, it's a low priority for them. It seems like you could just kind of like take an afternoon and get on like – what are like free website builders that exist these days? Do you feel like you could, let's see here. I'm going through their website now. Yeah, I feel like you get on Squarespace and you could kind of, let's see here. Get involved, shop, sponsors, and then home. Yeah, well, how about teams? I want to see the name. Well, sponsors might give us some indication. Sponsored by, God, I love these sponsors. Burger Master.

Yeah, this is what I was saying before. Maybe they don't list the teams because the teams are just based around the sponsors.

Well, right. So usually what will happen, at least in my experience, was your team, like so Domino's Pizza, probably a franchisee, some local Domino's Pizza person said, yeah, I'll shell out the 500 bucks so that one of the teams in the North Central Little League is called Domino's Pizza. Again, Police Guild, talk about backing the blue. I'm guessing that was just like the Police Benevolence Society was like, let's get these kids young. Let's get them thinking about police. And Handy Andy, I played for Handy Andy Tool Rental. when i was older when i was an older kid um and so yeah i think uh you know some company will will sponsor a team and then they buy the jerseys and then they get to have their name on the jerseys um but i still don't know why we why we can't just see a list of the teams that are in that league it seems uh like it would be a knowable thing but the other thing is i was seeing the name of the manager the manager the coach of this little league team is a guy named dr christian Shuey. He's a dentist. And that name is so familiar to me when I saw it. And I'm looking up his website. He went to the UW. I wonder if I know this guy, the coach of that Little League team, because that name, Christian Shuey, was very familiar to me. But anyway, congrats to them.

They're doing big things back there in Pennsylvania. Yeah, I'd watch that. I'm literally going to TiVo it. I'm not literally going to TiVo it. I don't have a TiVo. But I'm going to set my DVR to record it tomorrow. So if we're doing the show or whatever, I can actually watch it. Like, I'm surprisingly stoked about a Little League team from my old hometown. And from also what I'm excited about, and I don't say this to be to neg any of the other fine, fine parts of the state of Washington. But there's something about this team coming from Seattle, Seattle, that makes me especially excited. I feel like there's this whole – I don't know why I have to take this negative. I feel like there's this whole world of hyper-coached ex-urban sports world where – I'm going to be very regionalist here, and I don't feel good about it right now. But, like, I wouldn't be surprised to hear that this team came – the team from Washington came from either an especially moneyed area or an especially just kind of, like, a place where pretty much everyone is – like a Friday Night Lights of baseball.

Yeah, because they have schools that are basically there just to get kids into the pipeline for professional sports, right? And some of them have gotten in trouble.

You're talking about in, like, rural Washington?

I'm thinking more about football than baseball, I think. But wasn't there like some scandal involving like some school that is basically like the academics are like only there to support the sports?

Yeah, that happens all the time. And you're right. That's definitely more of a football. And actually, that's really a basketball thing that happens a lot. My alma mater, Nathan Hale High School, was involved in something kind of like that, where basically these two incredibly good basketball players, the Porter brothers, went to my alma mater for like their senior year. I think they were in Missouri before that. And it was like, huh, of all places, you're going to move to Seattle and you're going to play for Nathan Hale High School. And it was because Brandon Roy, who was a noted Seattle basketball star, had become the coach there and had hired their dad to work on the high school coaching staff. And now here come these two incredible, phenomenal basketball players. There's a lot of like, you know, a lot of stuff where the the sports is driving the whole thing. And I don't know if there's something that's also because, like, I just grew up riding my bike to Ross Field over there, kind of on the on the border of Fremont and Ballard.

On the south side of Chicago?

On the on the south side of Seattle, Andrew. I just grew up riding my bike there and playing like baseball and to see that a bunch of kids, although I will say this. there was an interview with one of the star players from i just read this today in the seattle times there was an interview with one of the star players from the northeast little league team and he sounded like a really great kid really put together kid but he said something like hey we just got to really credit our coaches because they scout all of these teams they watch all of the tape and they really report back on all the tendencies of the players and i just thought man that game is that sport has come a long way since i was playing little league baseball right there's You got tape? You got tape on the other teams? Yeah. Like, oh my gosh, this is a very, very evolved version of this.

I don't know if I ever played a version of Little League that wasn't T-Ball. I swear I did. I just don't remember that. Yeah, because I remember in fourth grade, there were some family events that made me, that was the first year I didn't play Little League Baseball. So by third grade, that's not T-Ball anymore. That must be like underhand pitch, right?

third grade you're uh i don't know it depends i think it depends probably you might have been coach pitch oh maybe okay yeah because there's you know that's the progression usually i think is t-ball and then the coaches pitch it and then the kids pitch it oh okay and then you get to a mound eventually where like it's the dimensions are the same as like a major league um you know infield and then there's a pitching mound and stuff like that i still remember the last pitch i ever threw in competitive baseball uh just a like an overhand an old uncle charlie like a base is loaded and i had got it was o2 on this kid because i was throwing a mean curveball in those days and the catcher said don't throw a curveball and i was like but these curveballs are working so well i threw the kid the third curveball he just roped it just absolutely raked it over the left fielder's head and we lost the game just really like literally a grand slam was the last pitch that you threw yes oh wow yes uh and um i mean it wasn't the kind of park where there was like an actual fence right it was just so far our guy didn't get to it yeah sure it was just i was so proud of myself i felt like they brought me in relief and i got like you know i was i was i was throwing rocks tonight i was just like and i had just developed this curveball i was very proud of it i just the kid just absolutely smashed it i didn't know that you were that you

again you're talking to a kid who like the i played little league but what i played was how much of my mitt can i chew on in the outfield um i swear they might have even just put a bunch of us in the outfield i don't even i don't even know if i had a position other than mitt chewer but um i did a lot of chewing too i want to be clear when the little you chew on the little like um yeah the little kind of like ties the leather ties exactly and then it gets all weird and it gets really hard yeah exactly so you got to go out there the next day and soften it back up because that's what we do because we're ball players and we go out there and we compete and sometimes we throw them in the

air and we see how many times we can spin around before it drops that was my move i had a weird absolutely nobody cares about this but i had a very weird progression in baseball which was i played for the um greenwood boys and girls club when i was pretty young and i was the worst player on the team like objectively speaking i was i never i did not swing for an entire season i just had some mental block i wasn't afraid of the ball per se but i just never i could just never get the bat off my shoulder i would just like kind of freeze up and i figured well i'll probably walk i mean these kids are terrible at pitching and it worked i think i had the highest on base percentage of the team but um and then uh over the summertime my mom and i would go and uh down to green lake and we would like throw the baseball back and forth and somebody was walking around green lake and she was one of the people with north central little league like her dad was named lucky miller he was the coach of the lions club and she said hey do you play baseball in a league and i was like i play for boys and girls club so you should come to this north central tryout and i did and for some i don't know what it happened mentally for me over that year but like i showed up at the tryouts and i was the best player at the tryouts like i was the first player taken in the little draft that they had and i was like the pitcher and the short oh you know what it was i played softball that summer on a team like a just a community like the green lake community center team and that team that i was on um it involved a lot of kids of differing skill levels and different physical abilities it was a real kind of like inclusive like hey anybody wants to be on this team and i was kind of like the star of that team and it was underhand softball but i was like the pitcher i'd play shortstop i was hitting it was like it was so much easier than the baseball i had been playing and then something in my brain switched where i was like oh i am capable of doing this and i'm capable of being like the person on the team that everyone's kind of relying on and so the next year when i went and played at little north central little league all of a sudden i was like a new person and i was actually kind of good that's like going down to the minors and finding yourself dude seriously like i didn't realize that was happening then of course eventually i was cut from the nathan hill high school baseball team so the end of the story is not that luke burbank makes it to the majors you did not you did not end up making it to the majors i did not but andrew i've also solved another mystery that no one cares about i said the coach of this uh northeast seattle team sounds familiar i'm looking him up it's because he played baseball for the u-dub when i was the baseball writer oh no kidding no wonder he was on the u-dub baseball team when i was at the daily writing about baseball why don't i ever go to

u-dub baseball games because they're not interesting are they really not no i don't

know i mean because like the college baseball is a weird is really good right isn't i would go to

a softball game before i go yeah the u i think the u-dub women's team is really good i think

oh yeah historically like one of the top teams in the nation yeah why don't i go to that stuff that i would that would be really fun i find that whole like the way that they pitch in that game that fast pitch game it is just a fascinating like physical feat i mean and they're whizzing that thing in there they're throwing like 60 70 miles an hour with that very kind of like it just seems unorthodox to me but it is of course the orthodoxy of how that kind of sport works but i i always find that endlessly it's like looney tunes shit like it's like your wine is like

they're winding up their arms in this way that almost seems unnatural totally and yet they have

so much control they can throw you know they can throw off speed stuff they can throw you know curveballs they can do all kinds of crazy stuff with that thing it's like it almost feels in some ways like a different sport because they're closer to the batter i mean it would be terrifying to

hit against one of those pitchers no kidding well it'd also be terrifying to maybe be that close to the plate too if you're the if you're the pitcher as well did i tell you i've been experimenting with underhanded darts what it's not as hard as you think at least it's not as hard as you think to hit the board it is hard it is hard to actually have the control to like actually get it to go

where you want into the board because you want to be able to do like a party trick a bar trick

why are you why are you testing your skills this way um you know probably just too many beers i

don't know like you know like you've achieved everything you wanted no but like i haven't you

know that's the funny thing is i'm not really that good when i'm playing darts by myself in the basement just catching up on the levitard show or listening to the ball game i feel like i'm actually pretty good like i kind of whiz through the you know i play cricket and i kind of like get everything i need to get but then uh during my party people came over and played darts and i was i'm pretty sure the worst person like i was losing and the funny thing is i don't think i was like i don't it didn't feel high stakes it wasn't one of those things where i was like telling everybody hey i'm really good at darts and then i really sucked i just I think I wasn't paying that much attention. I don't know what it was, but I'm not good in front of people. So it's definitely not like, hey, I'm such a good dart player that now I'm underhanding darts. Come on over to my dart cave and I'll show you who. You're the Tom Cruise in cocktail of darts. You're doing the hippie, hippie shake. Right. I'm not doing any of that. But there's something really satisfying about throwing a dart. You're just kind of lofting a dart underhanded. They're the heavier darts that I use. And it's almost a little bit like a jart. It's a little bit like vertical charts Oh man, what a time

What a time in this country Like here's what we should have Okay, imagine A projectile, but wait We're going to make one end of it pretty sharp Okay, what do you do with that? You throw it as high as you can And it comes straight down Okay, but who will play this game? Children

Yeah, where will the other children be? Oh, out in the field where the darts will be landing

Kind of near the circle where you want the projectile To drop and then stick into the ground Will the ground be roughly the consistency of a child's head? Yes That's why I need to make him sharp And weighted

Yes, and weighted But so satisfying, right? I remember playing jarts as a kid

Can you get a set of lawn darts We call them lawn darts

There's a seven day waiting period Or you can get them at

I promise you it's harder to get a lawn dart than a gun In most states in America

You can get them at a jarts show, I believe There's like a loophole there yeah exactly uh have you heard about these ghost darts

you're wow look at this i mean what are you doing i'm looking i'm looking at um you're right were they always called jarts and i was just calling them lawn darts the whole time no i

thought i thought jarts were like jart what is a jart it's a lawn dart i thought jarts was the

brand maybe that is yeah i'm i'm just on the lawn darts wikipedia page it's just so great safety and bans in the us and canada oh you know what these are blunter than i thought you know

what this reminds me of i'm like oh these are newer safety ones i think yes okay come on get out of my i mean i know out of my feet um you know what i used to have growing up that i'm just remembering is it was a it was like the shape of one of these safety jarts but probably one third the size of it i'm going to say it was like the the size of my big fat man thumb and it was like this was weighted at the bottom and it had what do you call the things that are like quivers or whatever metal but the whole thing was metal and um you would put caps in the head of it and you would like capture a gas gun and then you would throw this thing up in the air and then it would come down but the weighted nose of it would hit the ground first and then

the cap would go off is there any better smell when you're a kid than the smell of a cap yeah

right being deployed that's kind of sulfuric yeah like gunpowder oh now i'm looking at old

school charts holy shit these they wouldn't even use these in game of thrones my god they were literally ramsey would be like yeah that's a little hardcore for me i mean i'm the flayed

I'm the flayed man or whatever But like, come on, let's go By the way, great price East Point, I'm on eBay now E-Sports, E-Point Sports 2 2-in-1 lawn darts and bocce darts Backyard outdoor game combo set Classic-like or recreated? I'm clicking, yeah Very classic, and I'm probably not even Legal in the United States Actually, no, these look like Oh no, these are like safety ones They're older, but they're kind of safety ones I want to get my hands on some of the good old-fashioned deadly ones

Yeah, exactly. You actually have the land for now. That's fun. I know. Can I tell you something that you might not believe? But if I had because you have a little piece of land, right? You have a you have a place where you have some privacy. Your neighbors are pushed far enough away that if you were to get yourself a BB gun and just go out there and shoot cans or whatever, you could do that without like scaring or upsetting your neighbors.

yes although i'm i mean my i'm looking at my neighbor's house i'm uh i'm on like an acre and a half but most of that acre and a half is this big hill that i'm on most of which i don't use so i mean but but also i'm in the like no one here would care if i had a bb gun yeah i was shooting cans like it definitely would not be an issue at all like i could do it safely and also this is the part of the country where i could probably shoot off a a gun gun and no one would

care right right right and I know you're not a big gun person but I really do uh kind of have a lot of nostalgic feelings towards these bb guns that I got my mom was very anti-gun but I ended up getting a bb gun I think when I was like 14 or something so you know a bit older I didn't like grow up we weren't even allowed to have cap guns honestly I had that little cap device that I just poorly described but um I did not have any cap guns but then at age 14 I think I was allowed to get a BB. gun i ended up with two one that was kind of a rifle style one and one that was kind of a pistol style one and uh i think they were both pump guns but anyway um and yeah like i would like throw an old milk carton out into the pond in valley city and then i would just shoot it until it sunk essentially i don't know if it actually sunk but until it was just like riddled with holes or whatever i was not into i didn't menace any animals or anything with my bb guns it was just so much fun to have a bb gun and shoot it out into a lake oh i was i mean i would have killed

For a BB gun As a kid I was like I was I never had one Also I lived like Really in the city Like where I would have been But I also wanted A wrist rocket Slingshot

Oh I had one of those Yeah

I wanted like I just I wanted weaponry Yeah I was trying to explain To Becca the other day Why I was obsessed With karate Even though I never Took an actual class I didn't know anything about Oh she was asking If I was into the ninja turtles When I was a kid

Oh yeah

And I was like yes Because I was into anything That had the word ninja in it

Oh I'm surprised

I didn't think that you were A ninja turtle guy Oh, majorly, because I thought if I learned the ways of the ninja, I would be like a super, I'd be undefeatable in combat. I would be able to kick anyone's butt, and I would just, like, I was really obsessed with, you know, all things martial arts and or getting my hands on a BB gun, whichever came first. Turns out neither one came first.

And you did not have a BB gun ever, right?

I didn't, although, you know, the funny part, there is a BB gun here in this house that was left behind by Becca's brother and his wife, who were staying here for a while. They were in between. They had sold their house in Portland and were waiting to buy another house, and they stayed up here, and they left a BB gun. There's a BB gun in here. And my—so I could actually, when the show is over, I don't know if there's any BBs in it, I could potentially go shoot it at something if I wanted to. So you actually have—you're living the dream. I am living the dream. I have a BB gun here, Andrew, and I have not— This is what's so weird about being an adult. It does not feel, you don't do the things you thought you were going to do when you were a kid. Like, I should just be eating candy bars and shooting that BB gun right now. That's all I should be doing.

I would be shooting that BB gun right now if I were you, honestly.

Maybe I'll go dust it off and see, you know, sort of see if it even works. And I could sit on the, well, there's no deck. It's just a structure that will eventually be a deck. I could sit on there and I could shoot at cans. That's how I could while away the time up here.

That's what I would do. I want to ask you a question. and I'm going to put you on the spot, and then we'll get out of here. I know we're going – are we going along? I don't know. So I was listening to – I can't even remember what it was called anymore, but one of those comedy bang-bang – I'll call it a splinter podcast, knowingly, that was about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles because there's this character called Sprague the Whisperer played by, I want to say, Sean Distin, and he would introduce all of like the Ninja Turtle lore to Scott Aukerman, the host of the show. And Scott did not know anything about the turtles and they would watch all of the movies and Scott kind of reluctantly or whatever, but it was good. But he was constantly trying to beat into Scott's head the different personality types of the Ninja Turtles. Now I will say I enjoyed the Ninja Turtles growing up. Like I saw the first two movies, I watched the TV show, but I to this day could not tell you what the personalities of the turtles are. I can tell you the color. It's like I'm pretty sure Leonardo is probably yellow, right? Donatello is definitely purple. I know that. Yeah, Raphael is red and the other one. I don't know what would be the other one. Did I say blue? Michelangelo? Oh, Michelangelo is probably blue. But so the way they would try to remember it on this other podcast is the lyrics of the TV show theme song.

Leonardo blanks. Ninja Turtles, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Heroes in a Half Shell Turtle Power.

But that doesn't get you any closer to their personalities. Do you remember the part of the song where they say Leonardo blanks, Donatello blanks, Raphael is blankety blank? It sounds like I'm swearing. I'm not. Without looking it up, can you remember what they are? Because I guess this is a roadmap to their personalities, but I don't ever remember seeing these personalities come out.

they were all just like party dudes to me i agree 100 all i know is that they love to use a katana blade to cut up pizza yep and the only part of that song that i remember that that indicates anyone's personality is related to master splinter because somebody says he's a radical rat that's

true splinter taught them to be ninja teens he's a radical rat that's the only thing i know leonardo Donatello leads Donatello does machines okay so Michelangelo he's one of a kind okay but that's not narrow you're looking at a different theme song this is like I landed on that for a second too the the one that aired on the tv show goes like this Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles I'm doing the spoken word version thank you Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Splinter They're taught.

them to be ninja teens he's a radical rat leonardo leads donatello does machines that's a fact jack rafael is cool but crude oh yeah a break michelangelo is a real party dude okay so he's is he like doing a backspin on his shell i think so but the thing is they were all party dudes to me like the idea that leonardo was the leader did never came through to me or that rafael is cool but crude they're all cool but crude and they're all party dudes and then the donatello is the machine guy i would have no idea there's not like a dour ninja turtle there's not like

he's dealing with something yeah i love like one of the ninja turtles name was was just um Monet Who's the guy Wait who's the guy Who cut his ear off

Oh oh Oh Not Monet But No Why did you do this to me You set me up man I can picture

Played by Willem Dafoe In the movie Will this help us Get there

I'm not speaking Until we say it He cut off Van Gogh Van Gogh Van Gogh Van Gogh

Thank you Hey that wasn't bad It would be so awesome If you had like Donatello Michelangelo

And then just

One guy was just Van Gogh and he's just got a bandage on his head and he's just dealing with shit.

Just tortured. Just absolutely tortured. But so talented, but so tortured.

That guy I'd remember. I would remember if there was a Ninja Turtle named Van Gogh.

Yeah. Is that Robert Crumb? Is he one of the turtles? Is that Harvey Peekar? Peekar is cool, but crude.

Sometimes when we pass the 90-minute mark is when I think we really get down to the heart of things I think I woke up

about five minutes ago good okay

well in three two one starting the show alright thanks everyone we'll be back here tomorrow with more imaginary radio for you in the meantime have a great Tuesday go Mariners take care of yourselves and please remember no mountain too tall and good luck to all

he's a radical he's a radical man what the heck was that look like sort of a big turtle in a trench coat you're going to LaGuardia right power out