Muse

Video posted to YouTube Wednesday shows a man pouring milk on himself and running through Walmart wearing nothing but shoes, socks, and a Halloween mask.

Well, first question I would have would be why. You know, why would they want to do it? TBTL! Describe that man to me again. I already told you, Lieutenant, he was big and ugly, like a monster in the movies. One more vampire joke, and I'm going to walk right back there, go into my coffin, and I'm not coming out, okay? We may have created a monster in the lab. It's not a monster. It's a cyborg that can kill without remorse. You scared me. You gotta, like, you gotta, like, say something before you touch me. I'm sorry. I failed you, both as a scary monster and a friend.

all right hello good morning and welcome everyone to a tuesday edition of tbtl the show that just might be too spooky to live on this halloween my name is luke burbank i am your host i'm starting

to feel like a corn dog and a hot dog party and it ain't flattering i'll tell you that coming to

you once again from the beautiful south waterfront of portland oregon where it's oh ma pa it's just It's beautiful. It sure is. Blue skies. Let's see. What color is the water? Let me. Hold on. It's the water's kind of brown. That doesn't really stick with the messaging. Blue skies, brown water here on episode 4065 in a collector's series.

Let the fun begin.

That's just the Willamette River for you, I guess. Speaking of things that are possibly not potable, candy corn. Candy corn sales, it turns out, are up, but they're also down.

Not only does that sound kind of disgusting to me, it sounds unhealthy.

There are all kinds of new candy corn flavors. Of course, they're always looking for that earned media, and they're going to earn it today on Halloween. We will talk candy corn coming up. Also, sorry if I sound distracted. I am once again dealing with a very, very annoying feline situation.

There is something about the soul of a cat. There is something intrinsically secretive about a cat.

Here's the secret about Bubbles Burbank. She's annoying. That's a secret. Secret's out. We're also going to talk to this guy, the longest-running cobro of the show, maybe best known for his depictions of the tall ships. He is once again joining us for the final day from the Cuyahoga Valley. Please don't be mean to Cleveland. He's Andrew Walsh, and he's joining me right now. Good morning, my friend.

Good morning, Luke. I'm telling you, I never want to sit again, or at least not sit during this show.

Are you enjoying this standing light?

I'm standing while you're doing your intro. I'm pacing. Once again, I am in my parents' basement in Ohio. Kind of got my portable equipment set up here on a folding table, like a crafting table. I got my computer up on a cardboard box. You're in the arts and culture district. I'm in the arts and crafts district of my parents' house. And I'm playing, like you're talking, I'm playing with my dad's stud finder, which, by the way, I found a stud here. I couldn't even move my microphone. I bet you did. Right over there. There it is. Yeah, I'm finding studs all over the place here in Ohio. I am loving this. I'm loving pacing. I just, I honestly, while you were doing the intro, I was thinking, how can I, how can I bring this to my own studio? Bring more of this into your real life in Seattle? Yeah, because like my, you know, my setup in Seattle. It's very specific. It's very sit-downy. I have an audio board and a whole bunch of equipment that's all tied up together. I can't imagine having that all working in conjunction with a standing desk. But my God, I think it brings out the best in me.

Honestly, like, I think yesterday was one of your more entertaining programs. You've turned in a long time.

Didn't know this was going to be a review.

Andrew, I need you to sit down for what I'm about to tell you. Yesterday was one of your best shows ever.

Oh, God, it wasn't even that good. A lot of Arby's talk. A lot of French fry arguing.

God, seriously, like when I drive home today, I am considering going to Arby's, even though that's not a thing that I typically do. You had me really, really considering the roast beef. We have the meats lifestyle.

You know, you were surprised maybe to hear that my favorite, or at least you thought it was somewhat disingenuous for me to say that my favorite French fry is the Arby's curly fry.

Well, I just agree with Genevieve that that's really not part of the conversation.

Okay, fine. Let's just let that go. I don't necessarily agree with your guys' take on that, but it does lead to another question. If you're at Arby's, do you enjoy those fries or whatever you want to call them? Like, would you order the curly fries?

No, I wouldn't. You know what I really love from Arby's? I don't even think they have it anymore. But back in my day when I was...

young they had like a basically like a mcdonald's hash brown type of product i think it was called

like a potato cake or something sure okay yeah yeah those are good i feel should be on offer

you know all day long i don't think that that should be exclusively the the sort of uh province of breakfast town like that should be right yeah you the the hash brown the mcdonald's hash brown is one of the truly great i think food science creations of our lifetime and uh and i they have these little like triangle things at arby's they used to anyway that you could get just like instead of fries and man those things were good and those were those were

available all day at arby's they're only available for breakfast yes they were offered as like you

could get fries or potato whatever that was called so you could get you could get your fries this might have even been before the curly fry made its way to arby's which again i'm not trying to gang up on you or invalidate you maybe it was just different in ohio but to me and i cannot believe we're doing another show about this when there's i i want to tell you about dracula magazine andrew and we're not we may not even get to it i don't know but like i can't believe we're talking about arby's again but i will just say that those whatever those potato wedges uh were they're so good and the curly fry to me feels like something that was only widely available as of 20 years ago Again, different story for you where you grew up. Curly Fry, that was not a thing that was bopping around Seattle in my teen years.

Well, I mean, is it fair to say that just because you were unfamiliar with them doesn't mean that they weren't available in your part of the world? Well, I'd like to hear from the listeners on this. Yeah, I mean, I think that, I mean, again, it might not have been at Arby's. I mean, you would know better than me. As I said, I had not gone to my first Arby's until probably 1996 or 7, which is really embarrassing to say, but I'm feeling vulnerable.

Did you enjoy, we're just redoing yesterday's show. Yeah, but we're doing it better this time.

We're building upon it.

Yeah. Yesterday was practice. I want everyone to know it was Andrew's best show ever, but it was practice. We're talking about practice.

This is great.

This is amazing. You can see the way that we craft. It's the iterative process. That means today's show is so good because we did it yesterday poorly, and today it's going to be incredible. No, but, like, did you enjoy your first bite of an Arby's sandwich when your friend took you there in college?

I feel like it. I mean, I don't remember the exact— You went back. You must have. Yeah, I mean, I remember thinking, like, oh, like, I can't explain my relationship. We are just doing it again. I know, but better. It's not like I didn't know Arby's existed. I knew they existed, but they just in in the parlance of of that show about the robot cowboys. They just didn't look like anything to me. I would drive Westworld Westworld. I would drive by and I would see an Arby's, but it just didn't. It wasn't part of my lived experience. And then we went there and I don't remember the first bite.

It's like a Popeye's chicken for me.

Oh, yeah. I've never been to Popeye's or the Raisin Cane's. We passed one of those. Oh, sure. I've never been there. Raisin Cane. Sure. But anyway. Yeah. And I do remember, like, I don't remember the first bite, but I remember sitting down with my friend and he's, you know, I do think that I asked his guidance on my order and I ended up with a big Montana. And I remember being very pleased and very shocked that I had never had it before because I liked it. And then, yeah, throughout college, I would go back to that Arby's. I remember dining there and not even just saying this to gang up on Arby's. I remember dining there alone a lot because except for John, I don't think many of my friends had the time or inclination to go to Arby's with me. That was not what a lot of people like, which might be why it's just an old husk of a building now, as I posted for yesterday's show.

I saw that photo, by the way.

It's sad. It's a real sad.

I feel sad about a thing that I didn't know didn't exist until yesterday's show.

Is there a sadder building in the world than that old Arby's just sitting there vacant with, like, one broken down car parked in the back? Anyway.

And just one desiccated curly fry just lying by the back door.

But, yeah, no, I liked, I did, I do believe I immediately fell for Arby's. And then, you know, I think it didn't take long for me to take all the jokes about Arby's a little bit personally. like you know the simpsons saying throw it over the fence and let arby's take care of it referring to i believe a dead bird and i'm just like that is not fair to arby's well you know of course my

mom suzy kelly worked at arby's wore the hat this is when they had the tall hats and used to tell me that it arby's stood for america's roast beef yes sir which seems like you're shoehorning some stuff in there i can't imagine that people would walk in you go welcome to america's roast beef

Yes, sir. Do you know that I debunked that and it was it was one of the saddest things I've ever debunked when you told me that it was on the air and I've completely forgotten it. Was it on the I don't think it was on the air, but because I think I was standing around with a bunch of friends and I pulled out a little factoid that I had learned on the show, which was.

Because Arby's is called Arby's. It was technically a factoid because factoids are not true. If you believe that Reader's Digest article that I read a long time ago that was supposedly debunking linguistic myths. Tristan, can you say linguistic myths five times quickly? Don't try it. Anyway, but yeah, we believed that Arby's was called Arby's. I don't know about the yes, sir, and all right, and all that, but RB stands for roast beef. Arby's. Looked it up. Nope, it's like the initials of the founder.

Oh, right. So RB was like, it was like Robert Brownington.

I think it was something like that. I can look this up here, but I also don't want my battery to die. This is the computer I'm using to talk to you on. And I'm worried that the more I have the, I have the screen on.

You're worried that if you Google the origins of Arby's, it will, it will waste precious battery life on your computer, which is the thing that's also recording this entire situation.

Let's see here. that is part of my concern I have one computer here I can't keep it plugged in while we talk because it creates audio issues and so I have the screen dimmed as much as possible and I'm hoping this will last when I logged on it said we had an hour of battery life to do the show now it's going up somehow it's I mean Ohio Luke you gotta go to Ohio the batteries the more you use them the more powerful they are it's amazing well it turns out that the your computer

Is not unlike a vampire Andrew In that it has It will live forever Which brings me to the topic Of Dracula magazine

Raphael Brothers I just want to say Raphael Brothers Arby Raphael Brothers Those were the founders There you go Go ahead Sorry vampires

So Beck and I were in I mentioned yesterday My meltdown at the Costco We also went to a Target Because I had to get some Blonde hairspray So I could look more like Ken Jennings Who was my outfit She was Barbie She was rollerblading Barbie I was Ken but I was Ken Jennings and in the target I noticed a trend in the magazine industry which is well nobody buys magazines anymore so what's happening is they're trying to figure out ways to get a certain kind of person and my guess is it's typically a woman of a certain age who either wants to buy a Bruce Willis themed magazine who I know you know is not in the greatest of health These days or a Tom Selleck Magazine there are just magazines About guys your mom has a crush on Entire Magazine dedicated to I was in the Santa Barbara Airport a couple of months ago and there Was just like it was literally like Pierce Brosnan magazine Like we've just we've just put A bunch of photos of Pierce Brosnan together And we think that this is the the demo Of person who might still buy a magazine Is pretty hot for Pierce Brosnan But they really took it to a new Level at the target in Tigard or Tualatin which was Dracula magazine. It's just a magazine dedicated to the concept of Dracula.

Are you insinuating that my mom has a crush on Dracula?

If Dracula is played by either Pierce Brosnan or Tom Selleck, it's a hard yes.

Okay, I don't want to take focus away from what you were saying here.

Or eat up precious battery life.

Or eat up precious battery life. But I actually think this is important i think i've been i've been wrong before but speaking of tom sellick i had my mind absolutely blown i know what you're gonna say two nights ago no there's literally no way in the world you know what i'm gonna say what do you think i'm gonna was it when he was batting in a

minor league baseball game no it has nothing to do with baseball well then i'm out of ideas i'm

talking to my friends in their basement this is ohio so their basement has a bar in it how cool is that midwestern basements have bars in them do you know that it's like i do around here it's so

cool i know it's i'm very jealous of that aspect of midwest life it's so awesome anyway me and

kristin and matt we're sitting around and i mention i don't know what we're talking about but somehow we got on the topic of old movies or something and i mentioned you know that and i can't I can't remember. Is it Tom Selleck or Burt Reynolds who's in the movie where he drives a truck and wears a cowboy hat? That's Burt Reynolds. And he has a chimpanzee or some sort of a monkey-like creature in the passenger seat. And they're like, no, no, no, that's neither one of those guys. That's Clint Eastwood. That's Clint Eastwood. I'm like, okay, yeah, yeah. I understand that Clint Eastwood did that. I'm not negating that. I know that. But I know that either Tom Selleck or Burt Reynolds either made a movie or a TV show where they're driving around. in some sort of a truck with a monkey-like creature in the passenger seat. And they're like, well, there's BJ and the bear. I'm like, yeah, that's a BJ and the bear. Like, that's not Tom Selleck or Burt Reynolds. There's not even a mustache involved there. And I'm like, okay, fine, but what is it? Like, I know it exists.

Are you misremembering Dom DeLuise as an orangutan? that is the best explanation i have so far we spent a good 30 minutes on this kristin is doing everything to save my sanity and have my back she's googling she's like well i'm seeing that there was a moment and not even joking she i go upstairs at one point frustrated to use the restroom that's what i do when i'm frustrated i go to pee out my frustration i come back downstairs she's like okay apparently there was a monkey in one scene in cannonball run two it was a ring his hand uh-huh and i'm like that's not it we couldn't even find the clip of it i totally invented i mean luke i can see the poster and it must just be an amalgam of different but i can see the goddamn poster in that sort of 70s uh photorealistic illustration of i think burt reynolds wearing a cowboy hat mustache driving a truck with a goddamn monkey-like creature in the passenger seat doesn't exist i totally made the whole thing up and it's seriously like even in the light of day two days later it is as I bring it up it's really frustrating to me because it's one of those things and and then and I'm going to say this quietly she's not even in the house but I'm having dinner with my sister and my parents the other day and I and I and we're reminiscing about things and I reminisce about something that I've talked to you about on this show before and by the way I despite my bad track record with the whole monkey thing I'm doubling tripling and quadrupling down on this one this is not a false memory but i said hey dad you remember in our little me and my dad used in the house i grew up in we had sort of a it wasn't in the basement we had a downstairs bathroom that was a little bit grotty and it was very small and it was just for

for me and him my mom was this the uh the paperwork is never finished or whatever that's exactly what

i'm getting at like you remember the little plaque that sat across from the uh from the toilet dad's like no i don't remember nobody remembers and i say it said uh no job is finished until the paperwork is done it had a little picture of a boy going to the bathroom on it and my sister says nope just just like you're a queen of the vacuums from yesterday's show my sister's like nope that was at grandma her glasses midway down the bridge of her nose says that was at grandma simsic's house and i know it because i have it uh when she was moving you know into a smaller place uh i saw that and i said can i have that and it's still in the frame and i said okay well you've just proven my point that you're wrong because mine wasn't in a frame or the one i'm talking about mine was a wooden plaque with a veneer on it and it's had that and and i can remember the little drawing of the boy she's like nope it's in a frame it's like play and i'm like i i i said listen i'm not saying the one in the bathroom was the only one in the world but i know that in our bathroom downstairs we had that plaque she's like nope i'm like you're i i was out of my mind how close were you to walking out of the restaurant just we were actually here at uh at my parents house so i was ready to walk out of here and go to a restaurant i do an angry urination in the bathroom i'll be honest with this was a this is a frustration i never pee in anger i heard her say um i i i'm still like i've been ruminating on this uh for days now i um googled everything because i when i google that you see a million you know reproductions of this most of them are in frames most of them are colored i'm telling you mine was or the one that i'm referring to was like it was a piece of wood it was like kind of dark wood with like then some sort of a light veneer on it and then almost like carved or print not carved but printed on it in black was this little illustration and phrase I could not find online a version like the one I remember being in our bathroom and um you know I'm like hey listen you didn't spend I didn't say it quite like this but I'm like you didn't spend hours on that shitter staring at that thing when you weren't reading drama in real life in grandma's old readers digest that she gave just like i'm just like and and luke like i'm still convinced i'm right but now that then a couple of days later i learned the whole burt reynolds thing isn't true i mean i believe he exists but not in the way that i i thought and i i'm i'm like a dog with a bone with this i won't let it go i still think i'm right i still believe i'm right but honestly i have zero way to prove it i have zero way to prove it you

You can read about all of this in Andrew Was Wrong magazine, now available at your local target.

My mom has a crush on the idea that I was wrong. How weird.

Well, a couple things. One, I know that you imagined this orangutan thing, but it's definitely going to be Burt Reynolds. Like there's no, even an imaginary Tom Selleck would not deign to be. Sure. Like Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds are right next to each other in terms of things that got moms horny in the 80s but their personal brand great mag their their brand is very different in my mind where like tom sellick was tom sellick like seems like he went to college and burt reynolds seems like he lit a college on fire that's even though they're kind of the same dude

as a kid in the 80s though i did not understand that distinction that distinction i still don't know that I fully do. I mean, unfortunately, the Saturday Night Live, Norm MacDonald impression of Burt Reynolds has imprinted on me so much that I know what you're talking about now. But I never saw that in these two characters. I just knew them as handsome, hirsute, mustachioed men.

Yes. Who may or may not be lying on a large rug, shirtless.

Which one was that, actually? That's a good question.

That one is Reynolds, I believe. That's Reynolds?

Okay.

But even if you imagine this scenario I'm going to put it this way If there was a TV show or a movie Where someone was driving a truck with an orangutan And it wasn't, you know Just that blip from Cannonball Run Or it wasn't Every Which Way But Loose If there was a person with an orangutan driving around And we're debating Was it Burt Reynolds or was it Tom Selleck It was 100% Burt Reynolds Selleck would never go in for that By the way, I saw some Selleck related Well, also Selleck is in a show called Blue Bloods Oh yeah, yeah, yeah Not really about rich people. I think it's about cops or something. I think that's what the blue is. And it's the kind of show that I'm reminded it exists during football season. Because I'm watching my football, and then I see an ad for Blue Blood. I'm like, wow, that's okay. That's still happening.

I believe that's CBS, I think, which would make him your colleague, which is pretty impressive.

And the orangutan. Right. Who weirdly has better health care than I do. What? Explain that. but um i saw a clip of tom sellick uh a well the thing about tom sellick also is i feel like tom sellick was born 70 years old and still sexy if that makes any sense i saw a clip of tom sellick in a spring training game batting like this is a thing that they do it occasionally now but i think they used to do it more in the past where they would just like let celebrities play in spring training games i didn't know about tom sellick has first of all he's a lefty and he has a surprisingly competent at bat he doesn't uh get a hit but he does not look completely lost up there like he's he's you know he's he's got a sort of mike ford quality if you will put us up there

sure sure but with much better facial hair must much better facial hair way better yeah although

By the way, Mike Ford went to Yale, which I think is one of the most shocking, dazzling details about any Mariners. Mike Ford, who could have played the orangutan in your imagined television scenario, is a, I believe he's either a Princeton or a Yale man, which is just shocking to me. But back to Tom Selleck, I was mad at someone who I will never meet. Whoever had titled this Tom Selleck clip on TikTok you won't believe this wait till the end that was what they named the clip and it's tom sellick from the 80s and again he he might he probably was like 28 at this point but he still seems both very old but still very sexy so like let's say a 28 year old tom sellick at bat minor leagues and he basically what he does is he like he fouls off like five pitches and then i think he ends up Striking out, swinging. I was so mad at whoever said, you won't believe this, wait for it. Because I waited for it.

You were like, yeah, and he's a celebrity who's not a professional baseball player striking out.

I thought he was going to hit a home run. I was so ready for Tom Selleck. Calm down, Kat. I was so ready for Tom Selleck to hit a home run in this clip, and he didn't. He just struck out. He didn't strike out weakly. Again, he looked so much better than I would have if you put me, even in a spring training game, up against a major league pitcher although this was back in the days when major league pitchers i think also delivered beer in the offseason and were probably had like over over four packets of skull under their lip whilst throwing like it it definitely felt more like a softball game than it than the current version of baseball but whoever titled that tiktok video you won't believe it wait for the end i'd like to say you you you fool me once uh won't get fooled again well that's

the whole problem i mean whenever i see something that says wait until the end i just usually skip it these days right like that's a total canard it's a total canard it's just a way of getting

clicks is it and do you think that they were in were they in on the jokes yeah hey by the way wait for it the end of the show is going to be really good i'm going to hit a triple

i also love the idea that tiktokers are concerned with tsl time spent listening they gotta shoot that quarter hour very antiquated radio measurement

hey let's thank some of our donors today these are the wonderful generous people keeping tbtl going this of course is

listener-supported podcasting. Listeners like Russell Swanick of Kennewick, Washington.

Thank you, Russell. I appreciate it.

Thank you, Russell. Home of Kennewick Man. It was a big story for my youth. There were some sort of very early man remains found, so-called Kennewick Man.

And the whole thing was a hoax, right? It ended up being Burt Reynolds? Was it? No, I'm just joking. Sorry. Wait for it, Andrew.

You won't believe it.

Wait until the end. Andrew's just an idiot.

In the way that you were so let down when you realized that that was not a real movie or a real TV show, I would be so let down if Kennewick Man was a hoax. Only because I don't even know what the deal with Kennewick Man is. I just know I heard about it constantly when I was growing up. And it was in the background noise of my life.

They say Kennewick Man was the first reply guy. Did you know that? He was super annoying.

He was the first wife guy.

What is that?

That's like a guy whose whole personality online is like loving his wife, which, by the way, great. Awesome. But they're like wife guys. They're just like their whole thing is just being like, I love my wife, which, again, people should love their spouses. And I think that's an awesome thing to have happen in someone's life. But as as one's entire personality is not it's not my vibe.

I worry. Actually, I didn't know about that, but I worry that you a partner guy. I mean, it has been pointed out to me that I cannot get through a, like, 15-minute conversation without bringing up Genevieve and, like, or just retelling one of her stories or a story about her or using her as a reference point. So, that might be me.

See, first of all, I think part of that is just proximity. Like, you live with someone. And you're with, you know, in the house with them constantly. So, when we are doing this show, like, how much have you heard about the cats yesterday and today? A lot. Because why? the cats are right near me yeah that's true like and when the cats are not right near me you will not hear about them nearly as much so i think that's a proximity thing i think genevieve is also hilarious and worthy of much mention even though you didn't understand what her amazing halloween costume was well i mean she told me before i mean we'll get into that later i mean oh we should talk about this now because that was that was a it was a solid i don't even know how she did that with her forehead i want more details yeah so do you want to do you want

to talk about this now so she told me before you know genevieve had a big halloween party this weekend at our house i am not there i'm in cleveland i'm not a big halloween person so when she knew i was making plans to come to ohio around this time anyway she's like well maybe i'll throw a party i'm like good you throw a party i'll get the hell out of town uh at some point she tells me what she's going to be for Halloween she says you remember that Kristen Wiig character who had little tiny hands and I said no I don't know that character I didn't watch Saturday Night Live then and then over the weekend right before the party she sent me an amazing an amazing photo of herself now again I'm not familiar with this character but she's wearing like kind of a yellow dress thing she's got a bald cap on and then like a wig over that so it looks like she's sort of got a receding hairline going back like halfway back her dome she's got these tiny little hands that apparently she um was able to fasten onto some chopsticks or something in her sleeves it looked i mean it was an amazing costume i showed it to a bunch of friends who are my age and i showed it to like some of my aunts and uncles parents like maybe they watch more saturday night live than i did nobody was familiar with this character at all i am so surprised by that

because i feel like it's a pretty iconic character it's from what is just overall to me a genius sketch which is a lawrence welk style show okay so it's like so you have fred armison as the lawrence welk character but i don't think that's his name but it's that did you see any lawrence

welk as a kid yeah i'd click through it i didn't really stop on it much but i know the vibe

and so it's like and now from the finger lakes it's the singing diane sisters or whatever and the sisters are the joke is that you have these like very sort of conventionally attractive sisters all done up in these dresses and they're all like they have beautiful voices and and and just beautiful sort of elan about them and they're all singing like i'm donna and then like the next one i'm am susie and then it's like and i'm whatever that's like the kristen wig character who's clearly since got like a little something going on and then they always do these songs that set of real like kind of like these pitch and woo songs from the 50s of like a boy came over and he was trying to talk to me but I'm not that kind of girl or whatever and then Kristen Wiig's character will just be like I ate a raccoon was that bad and she has this line with my by myself with my by my

myself and then she also has these doll hands which again you know it's like the the joke might be a little a little over the line in terms of how people's bodies might be but man that is a pretty iconic thing for her i'm surprised that nobody in your world of ohio um was familiar with that i think that's one of her probably along with the target lady i'd say that's in her top 10

my friend paul went as uh joaquin phoenix when he appeared on letterman as a surly Sure, artism guy Yes, with the glasses That was a great costume Nobody, I think, understood that at first I'm going to ask Genevieve First of all, if I can use this photo of her As today's show pic

To be able to condone that My artism is bigger than that

But I was also Going to say Something that I forgot About Kendra Miller in Bellingham, Washington? Sure, thank you Kendra

i have not yet seen the trailer for napoleon there's a new napoleon movie starring joaquin phoenix but i saw somebody on tiktok talking about it and they were saying that like the only person in the movie who doesn't have a french accent is napoleon i mean joaquin phoenix is a fabulous actor i mean i mean a truly spectacular talent i don't know why the decision was made but it sounds like napoleon might be the only person who isn't does not have a french accent in the napoleon movie a little like hunt for red october action

there oh i know i was gonna say i don't know now it's sort of shoe it was sean connery with the orangutan it was now i'm shoehorning this in and maybe we should just get genevieve on the show sooner rather than later to tell her own stories because here i am being um kendra miller has directly requested it but uh and we'll get to kendra in a moment kendra please kendra please patience please um genevieve always tends to dress up like like costumes they're good costumes but they're obscure in some way or another and the bane of her existence or the thing that she talks about around halloween time is that she loves halloween she loves coming up with these ideas But she always does something where nobody knows what she is. And like she was the diaper wearing astronaut who drove her car across the country to, I believe, Avenger relationship years ago.

Nobody knew that was some love triangle going on.

I believe there wasn't maybe even murder. She well, she was Lizzie Borden one year. But, you know, that's not really top of mind for a lot of people. Anyway, she always has some sort of grand idea for a well, tan mom. you know that's kind of a niche thing she was tan mom one year by the way is running patricia uh

krenzel is her name she is running for senate in florida just so you know yeah i'm i i will vote

for her um no but anyway the other day genevieve had sort of a pre-halloween event to go to which was like bingo night at the eagles and everybody was dressing up and she didn't want to do her whole kristin wig character she just needed something quick to put together so like on saturday afternoon uh last weekend she just like threw together a quick um princess leia uh like speeder bike leia you know like in a tan helmet like very very basic i think vest or whatever she wears i don't know some gun that she painted black for a for a laser gun or whatever and she said and it was like the quickest costume she ever threw together and everybody loved it and commented on it and she was like i've never had this feeling before like all these people like oh i love your costume she's like that was a total for somebody who loves halloween so much she's never had that experience before of people knowing what the hell she is.

Right, it's like the argument for dressing up as a much more obvious, and let's just, no shade on Genevieve, but like you could say a slightly more basic costume. Sure, yeah. It doesn't have the joke woven, like the astronaut with the diapers, like I would have fallen down laughing and stayed on the ground for 10 solid minutes because that's such a genius idea, but that's an audience of one. you're basically playing to the Luke Burbanks of the world and the Andrew Walsh's of the world or do you just go as like left shark right right right something that people immediately know they have a frame of reference for they're excited about I will tell you this my Ken Jennings pretty big flop I just looked like an insurance adjuster who had wandered into the 21st Avenue bar and pub on the Saturday night that was kind of the de facto Halloween I know today as the the show is being released as Halloween. But Saturday night was when Genevieve's party was, that was kind of de facto Halloween. And I will tell you that nobody knew who I was. And at some point it was loud and the bar was very packed. And I just stopped even trying to explain it. Like nobody, first of all, everyone was 20 years younger than me. So Becca's brother owns a couple of bars over on 21st street here in Portland. And one of them is 21st Avenue Bar and Pub, which is literally the karaoke bar of Portland, is kind of crazy like that's a

like that's a very good lane to be in it turns out it was so packed on on that saturday night and uh nobody there knew knew who ken jennings was there's like three people i tried to explain it to and then i just i just decided i'm just going to be a guy in a suit walking around in this place but um but but i i probably would have gotten a much better reaction if i just was wearing a yoda mask everybody was mario by the way this is what the young people particularly the young men there was like four marios at this party really now see what i would do yeah but i'm i guess i wouldn't do this because it would be ethnically inappropriate but i would be like mario but i'm mario lopez from from saved by the bell like i like to do it you know in some way yeah and i rarely like this is the first time i've dressed up in probably 10 years but if i do i'm much more like a genevieve which is i want it either to be a really funny idea or a play on you know a sort of a play on whatever the prevailing popular thing is like i was trying to do with ken jennings which again didn't really read the people didn't really figure out what i was doing but um yeah i was really shocked at how many marios there were um i'm trying to think of what the other hot costumes this year seem to be how did you know in a really really do not bring

up Kendra again how how did you do in a really crowded bar on Halloween how did I do like how did in other words like it feel like now now you know the owner so maybe you were able to carve out a little special space for yourselves but like for me like I even when I was a young person who was supposed to like crowded bars I just hate crowded bars like you would not believe and and then on a night a special night like Halloween where everybody's dressed up and jam-packed and you can't get a drink and you're just constantly being jostled is is has been my experience like was it like that and how how did you feel i mean i'm sure you don't want to be rude here especially if you're there with becca and everybody's having fun but like is that doesn't seem like your scene

anymore either if it ever was um it that was maybe when i was 22 that was my scene it's not my scene now i was happy because you know becca's brother and his wife owned the bar so it's nice to see it like crazy packed just from a you know from a like business standpoint if they if they weren't the owners of the bar would i go there on a night like this typically probably not i did have a really fun night i will tell you something though kind of i don't want to say serious but a real thing that happened can i thank kendra miller before we get to this because actually let me run through let me run through the other donors today including kendra miller of bellingham washington thank you very much and our friend summer alderin of north bend washington thank you for cueing the music from all the way out there in the cuyahoga valley thanks summer thanks to um tamara stubblefield who's right down here in portland oregon hey you know where to go for karaoke now that's right 21st avenue it really is i mean if i was like a 25 year old person who liked karaoke i mean i am a 47 year old person who sort of likes karaoke it is the jam i believe scott described it as a karaoke monster i mean even he is surprised at its incredibly robust popularity that's awesome yeah no it is it was very cool um jesse wesson is in burlington washington home of the coat factory thanks jesse thank you and thanks to annette melton as well who's down there in burien beautiful burien washington burien has a ton of really great mid-century homes because it really kind of grew up around sea tack airport so when they put sea tack in a lot of the pilots needed to live relatively near the airport and this would have been in the 50s and so they all moved to burien and they built all these cool mid-century

homes for them so interesting also uh one of the places where they have some of the best candidate forums hosted by sure rookie radio hosts from cairo radio that's right thank you

Annette, thanks to all of our donors for making TBTL possible today. We just would not be here without you. Hello and welcome to Top Story. So the thing that actually did happen, Andrew, speaking of a packed bar and lots of people, was I was waiting in line to get a drink. It was a pretty, you know, a pretty busy night. And there was someone singing, I don't know what song at karaoke, but it was a song that kind of had everybody in the room just kind of vibing. We're all kind of dancing around or whatever. And I think at some point I had noted that there was a woman dressed up as kind of like a, I guess you would say sexy Chucky, like Chucky from the like, whatever those movies are.

Chucky.

So Chucky. Yeah. But the sexy part will come in later, at least the fact that she didn't have pants on will come in later. So we're all.

waiting for my drink and we're and the music's happening and everyone's kind of bopping to the music or whatever and all of a sudden sexy chucky just starts screaming at me at the top of her lungs get your butt off of me don't rub your butt on my butt she's using a different word for it and she's just like hollering that basically indicating that there was some way in which i was trying to intentionally have my body be in contact with hers which couldn't have been further from what was happening i was she's literally unaware she's literally behind you

so you guys are kind of like standing butt to butt and you know like that that is i guess so

and she well she's in front of me in the drink line oh and i'm facing back i'm facing towards where my group is oh i see you're in my back is to the sure my back is sort of to the bar because i'm like enjoying the music and i'm looking over it where the people i'm here with are and everything i'm completely unaware that i'm anywhere near this person And she starts just yelling, basically yelling at me like to stop like rubbing up against her, which I was not doing intentionally at all. What was interesting was it was very clear to me that her boyfriend has been down this road before because he stepped right in between us. He very nicely to me said, hey, can I get you a drink? And kind of sort of created a little space for me to get right to the bar, to get my drink order in. this was clearly a thing or things like this were things that happened and this guy had a whole system for dealing with it and i mean it was very i was heartened for him to know that i was not intentionally making any contact with his girlfriend yeah that is so i mean that could

have gone so many different ways because i'm like you like i would be mortified i mean that is just the opposite of the type of people that we are and like the idea of being accused of that is at full voice in a packed bar

of young people. Can you imagine a worse scenario? And she was

I assume younger and pretty tuned

up? I don't know what her's definitely younger than me but that's everyone now Andrew. Nate Bargetsy has a great joke about when you turn 40 suddenly everyone's younger than you. Like up until 40 everyone is your age and then you turn 40 and then no one is your age. They're all younger than you. So definitely this person was younger than me. I don't know what their level of inebriation was. They didn't seem like slurring their words it was a very it was a very unsettling moment for her to be yelling this in this crowded room directed towards me as if I was doing something intentional thankfully uh like her her boyfriend didn't come over and be like what the hell he was he was clearly like you know I know the personality of the person that I'm with and this is some version of this is something that goes on where this person has a really strong reaction to whatever it might be and let me just help you like so that was a relief it was a huge relief but then when i got back to my group i was like you will not believe what happened over there and they're like oh the person with no pants on and i don't mean it to say that if you wear no pants to a bar you deserve any sort of treatment you don't but it was ironic that the person had literally like no like they were wearing a thong in public and were accusing me quite vocally of having bumped up against them in a way that was somehow suggestive which was my intention and was wearing no pants again i'm not trying to victim blame here except this person was not a victim of anything active by me but they were like oh yeah the the person in the thong who's just walking around the bar again no judgment about what people wear and nobody deserves anything based on their outfit but it was a let me tell you it was memorable it was a memorable part of

the halloween experience for me i believe it although it does make sense from just a scientific level why somebody without pants would notice the rubbing uh more than the person definitely

I think they had more exposed flesh than probably anyone there.

You've got a suit jacket that is probably at least half covering that area of your body. I assume that you're wearing pants.

My sweet, sweet ham, yes.

You were not sexy Ken Jennings, so I assume that you were wearing pants.

I wasn't even passable Ken Jennings.

I'm going to guess that you were even wearing underwear underneath that, although you don't have to respond to that. Sure was. In a certain way, I don't need to know everything about you.

I'm proud to tell you, Andrew, I was wearing underwear that night below my suit pants and my suit jacket that was hanging down over my suit pants.

And then underneath that, I assume, was the chastity belt. So, I mean, that's several, several levels. And my magic underwear. And then the magic underwear. So there's a lot between you and her, yet there was very little between her and your suit jacket.

Well put. I think that was probably added to the experience for her. But man, I'll tell you, when you want to talk about your life clashing before public radio, Luke Burbank, I just and just mostly just in that moment. I mean, I actually think, to be honest with you, I think my response to her was simmer down Chucky. I wasn't trying anything like I'd I'd had a few. Yeah, no, I really did say that.

And you'd already this is the same day that you had met the vacuum queen of Costco and Tigerton, right? True.

I was frazzled. I think what we can all agree is I was

at my wits end starting at about 4 p.m and this is at about 10 p.m so i didn't i i was still without wits the wits we had reached the end of them they were long in the rear view mirror

here i go once again with the email every week i hope that it's from a female no man

it's not from a female we didn't really get into the candy corn story because it is one of those kind of earned media deals it's like you know brax wants to get some this is this is really their time to shine like this is it today halloween if there's going to be a candy corn story then it's going to be today what i did think was kind of interesting about the article was so brax rolled out some kind of like thanksgiving dinner candy corn flavors in other words like you would reach in and some of them would taste like turkey some would taste like gravy some would tastes like candy corns very willy and apparently right and some of the apparently the stuff that was supposed to taste like turkey was eerily reminiscent of real turkey and was so upsetting to people there was a terrible review written on facebook of it that they actually discontinued it it's one of those few times where it's like they were getting the attention they wanted but they

still were like yeah but this is not good attention oh that's really interesting i did not i didn't see that story so i didn't know where it was going but i mean i know we don't have time to get into it now but i i thought this was gonna be a conversation about candy corns likes and dislikes and i i would say and this is maybe a maybe saying things are not a personality type is not a

personality type that i unfortunately have adopted we're not we're not rubbing tookuses with

chuckies but i should say that um disliking candy corn is not a personality like it's okay to not like it i'm not a huge fan of candy corn but my gosh the people who make such a big deal it was like a candy corn oh my god get it away from me get it away from me like they all talk like that for some reason which is very very strange um but like it's just like yeah it's a candy that you don't like like i don't like butterfinger right as i refer to it as the bart simpson candy that i don't like but uh all right luke well yesterday on the show during this very emails and vmail segment i uh told you that we have more people calling in and singing in our voicemail line singing songs about their life experiences especially the topic of finding strange things in their homes when they're doing reno projects, tearing into a wall or tearing a wall down and finding old things like receipts in your case or old valuable antique beer cans in Craig's case or newspapers, what have you. Here is a song, this person did not leave their name, talking about something amazing, mind-blowing that they found in their home.

Here's the story of a recent purchase of a home.

Okay, I'm going to stop it there and just say that I meant to warn you that it sort of breaks up there, but they say a purchase of a home, I believe. So just go along with that. Here we go again. Okay.

Here's the story of a recent purchase of a home. It had a leaky faucet, and to fix it, we had to drill a hole. here's the story of what we found when that hole got big enough a whole new room maybe four by ten with planted walls and stuff all right i'm not gonna think anymore but yeah found a whole new room in my new house my new hundred year old house doesn't have anything exciting in it except a bunch of dust and linoleum but always fun to have a little secret

i wow don't know if we have more than one listener with that experience or if this listener has called in or written in with that story before but finding a secret room in your home when you're doing renovation is that the jackpot i mean you have only one choice which is

bookcase secret door absolutely i don't care if it makes i don't care if it makes any sense like it's in the kitchen why is there a bookcase in this kitchen well go over there and pull down war and peace yeah and tell me about it like you got a secret room you need a secret passageway to

the secret room you know if i had to pull a book down in order for it to reveal a secret room probably the lion the witch in the wardrobe eh is that the perfect one two on the nose yeah okay what about snl's classic characters featuring the kristin wig character where she's got tiny hands how about that book would definitely that would be good that would be good i'm trying to think of

other like i don't know maybe the south beach diet book oh sure who's even gonna grab that when i had uh i think i still have it somewhere um the uh somebody was nice enough to bring somebody who had worked on arrested development the tv show had brought me an actual set copy of Tobias Funke's book The Man and Me and they had to make the book jacket for it because I think there's a scene where he's signing books and the actual book they brought in was a South Beach Diet book so I'm the proud owner of a South Beach Diet book

It would be amazing. By the way, do you have that displayed on a bookshelf so people think that it is Funke's book?

All of the books that I brought with me up to the house are still in boxes because I need a bookshelf I need a couple of bookshelves. So it's somewhere in there, I think.

I'll play one more song for you here. Then we probably got to go because we've had some audio issues and, you know, it's just that kind of gets in my head a little bit. But let me play one more song for you now. This is not related to finding things in the walls. This is just another listener who wants to weigh in on something that we talked about on the show and doing so in song and accompaniment in this case. Now, you were talking about some chef that I was unfamiliar with, Jacques Pepin, I believe, has a show on KQED. Is this correct?

Well, he's on the KQED TikTok. I mean, I think he had a PBS show for many years, a cooking show. And now what they do is they just film these little two-minute deals. Him just literally in his kitchen just kind of like fixing up a tortilla or something. But it's very soothing. It's very accomplishable. And I'm a fan.

Okay, fantastic. Well, this one is short and sweet from somebody who's calling from inside the station.

Hey, this is Michael from Alameda, California. Yeah, and I work in IT for the KQED. You have mentioned Jeff Jack the Pan. When you filmed his last show, there's a somewhere beyond compare. Like Thanksgiving, I'm glad you're a fan.

That's it. I've lost some of the lyrics in the mix, but that is very good. And that, again, is that a slowdown version of All Star, or is that just original music?

She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and a thumb in the shape of an L on her forehead. Yeah, it's All Star. I had to sing it. It's like the ABCs.

I just got to play it from the beginning. We'll hear it one more time.

Why not? I work in IT for the KQED You had mentioned Chef Jacques Pepin When he filmed his last show Says it's somewhere beyond compare Like Thanksgiving, I'm glad you're a fan

There it is. Thank you, Michael. Yeah, you believe us all-star.

So he must have done, they must have filmed at KQED. And so that would make sense why it's now on their TikTok feed. By the way, great follow. Great follow on TikTok. I feel like I need some classy stuff on my TikTok. Sure. To balance out the fact that I'm also following the guy whose whole thing is just saying, gotta have that root beer.

Oh, that's right. How's he doing?

Like, I really need, I'm trying to see if I can even find it, but I need some high-class stuff for the low-class stuff that's in my TikTok feed, so. Very good. By the way, thank you. Is that listener Michael?

I believe it was listener Michael, IT at KQED. That's so good. That's very good. So good.

Thank you, and thanks for breaking out the guitar and everything, so. And yes, I am very much a fan, so. All right, well then, I think we ought to wrap this up. My friend, you are going to get on an airplane. Are you getting on an airplane tonight?

I am getting on an airplane later this evening. I'm going to be arriving in Seattle on the late side, so I'm trying to figure out. I was going to say I'm just going to set this rig back up in my kitchen tonight so that I'll be ready to go in the morning. But after some of the issues that we had, which the listeners hopefully don't know about, if I did my job right, I think I might have to just go ahead and set up my studio again tonight. Well, you take your time. You take your time.

I'm in no rush. And I want to say this is going to sound so patronizing, Andrew, but I'm being totally serious. I am very impressed that we recorded actually two episodes of TBTL today on a day you're also flying

oh thank you yes

that is very very chill behavior on your part again I don't mean that in a patronizing way like that's a long day for you so thanks for doing it

sure yes thank you I appreciate that

debating whether or not to clap back at my patronizing compliment

no no there's there might be a slight misunderstanding that I'll explain to you off air but everything will be fine and i will talk to you tomorrow and uh i'm i gotta i just gotta say i gotta get this off my chest like everything went so well with this little this little portable setup but except for i'm just having this one ding dang issue that is uh some technical ghost in the machine that is driving me absolutely bananas and distracted me for the second half of today's show and i just like if if this new equipment would just work properly this would have been great and i'm just a little bit frustrated right now well i think i speak for the

listeners at least my experience of this side of the conversation is that it's been totally fine i don't think anyone's here hopefully it's not on the recording but whatever you're hearing it's not hitting us so it's This has been your own private hell.

Okay, sounds good. If the listeners heard a little bit of crackling before, it was us, not you. Don't get your ears checked. Or do. I mean, checking with your doctor every now and then is not the worst idea.

Sure. Not bad. Get a full body scan. Sure. Like Becca keeps recommending for me, which can't mean that I'm the picture of health. And she's like, you should get the entire thing checked out, please. Just the whole thing. All right. The whole thing. All right. Thanks, everyone. We're going to be back here tomorrow with more Imaginary Radio for you. In the meantime, have yourselves a great Tuesday. And please remember, oh, also happy Halloween. And please remember, no mountain too tall.

And good luck to all. Love it. It was Burt Reynolds. It was good.

Oh, my God.

Power out.