Muse

hello hello so what do we have to talk about what we're doing here i think last time we just did some tidings you guys kind of kicked it off right and luke you had a couple of headlines that you

might throw at us for top stories right yeah if you talk about breaking in the olympics not oh that was my that's my tidying oh really perfect that's great because i have a backup which is

good 7-elevens coming to the u.s so you keep your tidings and i'll just i'll just do 7-eleven you

know what my anniversary is 7-eleven oh it was written in the stars my favorite store and that's why i picked that day for my and let me add something totally uninteresting my sister liz's birthday i actually hate it when people do that because what are you supposed to do with that

information i what i think i know about you is that you have a sibling with a birthday every

day of the year most days most it's even more uninteresting coming from me yeah exactly we've I played every number on the wheel.

It would be more remarkable if you were like, it's not one of my siblings for the place.

Let me check my calendar. I got nothing on this one.

TBTL!

Well, hello, good morning, and welcome, everyone, to a Friday edition of TBTL, the show that just might be too beautiful to live. My name is Luke Burbank. I am your host. If that intro tape was any indicator, you may have already figured out that today is a very special episode of the show. We are crossing over. No, we're not talking to our dead relatives. I mean, I can try if you want. That's Andrew Walsh, by the way, right over there. Hello.

Sorry. I was waiting to be introduced, but then the disappointment just overcame me.

I'll do my best. What is it? Something Van Prog. That was one of the people who was very big in the talking to dead relatives community. community oh okay when i was a kid on and he'd see this person on donahue and the like

is frank stallone's mom was into that too right and sylvester jackie stallone well she was a she

was a psychic i'm sure she would also if you needed to talk to a relative i i know a lot about jackie stallone because people have been thinking i'm jackie stallone pretty much my whole life sure how about i open the show which we may have some new listeners for with the most inside of jokes ever a me misquoting a quote from transparent the television show but working in jackie stallone um i uh once was uh part of a choir group that went to the tv show northwest afternoon in seattle um uh because we were the studio audience and the guest was jackie stallone

oh right so you're one degree of separation away from jackie stallone or zero degrees of separation

I'm one. I'm two Stallones away from Brigitte Nielsen, how I think of it, which makes me three people away from Flava Flav. Nice. Anyway, it's TBTL. And today we are crossing over with our friends at Text Me Back. That's right. Lindy West and Megan Hatcher Mays. We did this a couple of months ago and it was so much fun and people seem to really like it. So we thought, let's do it again. And here we are, Andrew. We're going to be talking about tidings, and what else are we going to be talking about with them?

Let's see. The Olympics make an appearance. I think we just heard a reference to that. And also, so this is a little something special for the TBTL audience. You already heard the plan for top stories. Now, in the grand tradition of TBTL, we have already discussed something that will not be on the show today because we ran out of time. We ended up doing, we had a plan to do several segments. we did one segment over the course of about 90 minutes and you could hear i don't know how much

you edited this andrew i don't know what folks are going to hear at the end of the show but you heard me trying to on air work this out if it was acceptable for us to just call it a show yeah that's even though we had not gotten to any of the like that's norton that's typical behavior on tbtl yes exactly but but we had company over we had the good china out we were trying to put on airs and i didn't know if it was you know somehow a low class of us to just skip the top stories but you tbtl listeners know that that's exactly how we do it around here we were just

cooking i i just love doing the show with these guys it's so much fun honestly the my i said it last time and i'll say it again my least favorite part is talking i wish i could just like turn off my microphone and laugh away the whole time but it's a lot a lot of fun and hopefully we're going

do more of these things yes absolutely so without further ado take a listen to this it's tbtl plus

text me back and your dead relatives maybe oh hello welcome to a very special episode of tim of the dog podcast super group that many are saying is the best podcast It's the number one comedy podcast in Ukraine.

Sinking riverboats.

Iceland. No, every now and again, we do get into the top 200 in Bulgaria. Yeah. And it happens enough that I feel like it's not a fluke. Something's happening in Bulgaria with us that they love. We're tapping in, you know, into the Bulgarian zeitgeist.

I feel like Bulgaria is one of the regions we always get bounced out of. We play copyrighted music on the show. Every now and then we'll play a song, and then YouTube will say, well, okay, but you won't be able to play this in Bulgaria. And I'm always like, I'm fine with that, I guess.

It feels like it's always somewhere in Eastern Europe where there's currently a strongman operating, which is why I'm on the record as anti-strongman because they keep pulling our podcast down.

Honestly, listenership in Turkey has been plummeting lately. Precisely.

That's devastating. That's why you've got to join forces with us for Temptle of the Dog, because we are number 156 self-help podcast in Estonia. Not all the Baltic states can hang, but Estonia.

They get it. Estonians get it.

This is a very special mashup episode of Text Me Back, me, Lindy West, and Megan Hatcher Mays. and our friends would you like to say hello sure hi i'm andrew i guess i'm sorry i'm sorry look i'm

sorry if i feel like that was a weird start but i have mixed feelings about this and i can explain

why briefly go on um were you suspicious that i forgot your names no although uh-huh i did good

cover um well done i we recently had a tbtl event uh where i was chatting with some of the listeners and one of them explained that they were driving their kid somewhere and the kid said i'm almost at the point where i can tolerate tbtl and this was at the end of an episode so this person said oh well also i have a text me back and they played text me back and the kid was like i am sold

That's right.

So I feel like somehow, algorithmically, you stole a young promising listener from us because your podcast is better.

Fast forward 20 years. Estonia's got a new strongman. I mean, our show is beloved by children. We've talked about this before because it's because Lindy loves all the stuff that 13-year-olds love. Dinosaurs. Snakes.

Castles.

Wizards. Castles. Yeah. And so kids are like, ooh, I love Text Me Back. We sing silly songs. It's true.

I will say we owe you a thank you. We have at least not just one new listener, but one new supporter. Christine, I believe, in Seattle. Yes. Who donated to the TBTL-a-thon, our last fundraiser, and actually said, I got here through Text Me Back. and then I started listening to these bozos and now they're supporting the show. So thank you.

Christine, that's so nice. That's so cute. I love that. You better be subscribed to our Patreon. Yeah, right? OMG, patreon.com slash text me back pod. I think we scraped a lot of listeners off of you guys.

I'm not surprised. I just hope that we retain at least a few of them and we gain a few text me back fans.

Yeah, but it's really more about the friendships that we made along the way with each other. That's what they're saying.

Even though you didn't remember our name.

With my two new close friends, Alex and Lonnie. Lars.

Hey, dude.

Hey, guy. Hey, guy. Oh, my gosh. When was the last time I saw you? Look who it is. Are you still up to the same old stuff? my guy what are you doing with yourself these days what is what is the longest that you've

ever made it like the deepest you've got into a conversation with someone who you just have no earthly idea before they reveal something that then like unlocks the thing because i feel like i've been 20 minutes in and then like oh yeah oh poker yes yes easily 15 or 20 minutes something

came to mind immediately when you said that I had to speak at a press conference and this person came and I recognized her face but I couldn't remember her name or where I knew her from or anything about her or how I recognized her nothing and I was like and she was like hey Megan hi and I was like girl what's up and I was like how have you been what's going on but I couldn't

felt like i couldn't ask her what are you up to these days she was we were at a press conference together for work so i couldn't be like where do you work right she wouldn't know that i forgot so then i was just sort of like peeking over everyone's shoulders to see if anyone had a run of show so i could try to put it together but then i realized that she was subbing for someone else so she wasn't on the agenda and i was like oh my god i am fucked i will never figure out who this person is and i'm just gonna have to keep being like isn't this great the two of us together they said it would never happen and yeah and then she finally said something like oh yeah Carla couldn't make it Carla is the other person I was supposed to be there and I was like yes I remember you from the happy hour I remember where you work and I know why you're here and I was like wow we got out of there by the skin of our teeth at any minute someone was going to ask me who that person was and I was going to have to be like you know each other do you have the

understanding as I have tried to establish with various significant others and yes I've had various

significant others i'm just like yeah this guy has significant if we are somewhere if we are

somewhere and i introduce you to someone please for the love of god get their name like this is what the main reason that we partner up with people for this very moment and yet there i was

all alone looking at this woman like shit but we got there we figured it out and is this person going to listen to this podcast absolutely not no carla is though carla is that's why i didn't use her real name i was like what if she does and she sucks too but she won't okay um may i

tidings with the tidings that absolutely no one cares about except me which is what's going on

with my pans oh wait yes but before you do that before you do that you gotta intro tidings so

I thought we already did that.

No, we just talked about how we were going to do it. Oh, okay. So on Text Me Back, we have our flagship segment. It's called Tidings, which is where we talk about what's going on. What's up? What's up, guys? So that's what we're going to do now. We did it last time. It was a huge hit. And we have a couple of new little special bonuses that accoutrements that come along with our tidings. Now, Megham, do you like to tell?

I was going to say much has changed since the last time we were on the show. Before it was merely tidings. Now we have a bespoke tune that was composed for us by a man with a Ph.D. in composition. How do you like that? He's like a doctor of German Lutheranism, German choral music or something. And he got all of his little choral friends to sing it for us. And here's the song.

Also, he did not compose it. No, he didn't compose it. I'm sorry. Gerg Frank Frank Chick Handel composed it oh you're familiar

like the Messiah yeah it's

part of it's part of Handel's Messiah but it's like a b-side and then he arranged it I'm sorry he arranged it and he organized a choir of like 20 people and they sang it on zoom so that we could use it without violating anyone's copyright yeah

so that's why you're still on in Bulgaria that's correct Exactly. Smart decisions like that.

Yes, the Handel estate, very litigious in Bulgaria. In Bulgaria specifically, yes.

But I have been waiting months, Luke. You can't handle the truth.

Please, my goodness.

Sorry.

I can't handle waiting one more second to learn about your pans. Well, okay.

To the absolutely nobody who asked about this, last time we were all together on the show, I feel like I really took up a lot of the oxygen with discussing these Instagram-based allegedly nonstick pans that I had purchased that when they came in the mail, I was reading the directions to you all, and the directions were extremely involved because these were stainless steel. They looked very cool, and they were listed as being nonstick. But they, in point of fact, when I actually tried to use them, were, I think, stick. Like, I don't actually even understand the design advantage of something that anything sticks to it. You look at it and, like, you know, like your eyelash sticks to it. It's like, what? Extra stick. It's right. So I went around and around with them. So I guess my point is when I was with you all reading those directions, I was having a laugh because I thought this is so silly. And your advice, the advice from you three and the advice that I took was ignore all.

of the directions yeah and that's my normal way of being in the world and like starting tidings before we've even played the music that's i'm a renegade i'm a rebel a loner dotty yeah and so i proceeded to ignore all of the directions and it proceeded to be a massive shit show none of the food was cookable everything was magnetically attached to the pans destroyed everything and then i couldn't get the pans clean because there was like the food had encrusted it It adhered in such a serious way that it was like, could not be removed. So I start emailing the help desk and I'm like, Hey, this is not working. And they literally went through point by point. But did you do this? And I lied. I was like, yes. They're like, but did you do this? And I was like, of course. Are you crazy? Connie?

Was the water dancing, but not jumping?

Megan, from your mouth to God's ears. I mean, that was literally the conversation point by point. And I lied through my teeth and said that I had done every single thing. And I was asking them if I could just please. Oh, this was the other key thing that I had sort of missed. My girlfriend, I had asked her, have you heard of these pans? And she said, yeah, my mom has one and she loves it. What she had failed to tell me was her mom had the non-stick kind. The kind that's coated in a non-stick surface or whatever.

The normal kind. A normal. So you're talking to the customer service.

Yes.

doing an elaborate dance that yes many call lindy at the dentist

yes i'm giving them the old lindy at the dentist

every day i yes i i do yes i do wear my retainer every day i don't know i don't know where they're

going i don't know i can't be flossing and so uh i then realized i don't want these i want the non-stick kind i just want the regular and the ones that i had purchased were i'm not kidding roughly double the price of the non-stick ones and i said can may i please send you these expensive ones back and may i receive in return the less expensive ones that work that work and they say They sent me this real weird response that was sort of like, well, we're not we're not able to exchange pans that are out of different categories. And I was like, oh, you mean the category that people are trying to send back a lot like. And this was the part of the transaction and excuse me, the sort of exchange where I started attaching this email signature that I only use to try to low key threaten people. Yeah. Does this involve your daytime Emmys? It might. a jpeg uh excuse me i don't know if everyone can see this a jpeg of two daytime emmys but i literally started including this auto signature that says media stuff i tend to do and then lists my kind of little jobs in the hope that who's ever reading it will be like maybe we should start trying to help this person like i'm i can't bring myself to fully go like i'm going Like, do you know who I am? Because first of all, I'm not anybody, but I can't bring myself to overtly threaten to like, you know, shit talk someone. But I can definitely leave the threat looming via. And it worked because right when they were about to right when they were about to just say, sorry, we can't help you. Somebody else jumped in to the discourse and said, hey, you know what? We're going to do this one time offer where we're going to send you the replacement pans. And I said, great, where should I send the stainless steel ones? And they said, as a one-time offer, you can keep them. And never mention it on the morning show that you work on sometimes. People love the dog podcast. But anyway, that's the updates. We're all good. And by the way, the nonstick pans work great. Would recommend.

Wait, what did you do with the pure stick pans?

The pure stick pans, TM. I gave them to my girlfriend, who is such a sort of soothsayer in the kitchen that I figured if anybody can make these pieces of S work, it's probably her.

And?

No updates.

Okay.

Hasn't returned my calls in three weeks. Not on speaking terms.

By the way, I do that, except out of nowhere, I'll just start calling my signature. It'll be Megan Hatcher Mays Esquire, and I'll put my New York bar number in my signature. Thank you. It's so heinous. No, it's not. But when you want a refund from an auto subscription service, make a

help. I, on my email signature, it says Lindy West, the Bravery Award 2016 Seattle Storm Bravest community woman award laughter

And people are like, what? You got to stand. You stood up in the box and you got an eight crudités near disgraced former Mayor Jenny Durkin? And I said, yes. They say, where can we send the pans?

I'm brave enough to try to return this item long after the window has expired.

That's my bravery. You've been dining out on your relationship with Swin Cash since 2015, Wendy.

Okay, I have a question, Luke. I've received an email from you with that email signature. So now that I know that that's what you use to intimidate and manipulate and coerce.

Let me clarify even further, just in case we haven't driven out the last few listeners. Let's text you back, people that are like, really, again with these guys? it's because I have different computers like I have the computer I'm talking to you on one of them somehow is doing the auto signature and one is not so when I'm the one that I am using the laptop I carry around for some reason it doesn't do it automatically so I have emailed you from a computer that was auto I was not trying to big dog you or send a message it is truly the thing that I sometimes have to it has to be a proactive decision sometimes and sometimes it's not and this was a very proactive decision to try to flex in front of the caraway pan company well it worked whether you're trying to do it or

not here we are i i'll do anything please mister don't talk about me not the emmys

not the emmys don't throw me in that emmys patch sir

good tidying luke thank you that was a really good tidying here's my question about non-stick pans surely every pan starts as a stick pan and then probably a robot in a factory goes

sprays it in two seconds with with pfas which the thing we're all with the thing we're all now trying to avoid which is how i got sure kind of like horn swoggled into this whole other way of living which was stainless steel pans because i had literally just listened to an episode of the daily about forever plastics that was they caught me in a vulnerable moment

anyone that knows me knows that i'm a businesswoman and i'm an entrepreneur and i'm always looking for a market share and so this got me thinking just now okay you know how there's like a guy that started a business that was like i fix mcdonald's ice cream machines because they're always broken and mcdonald's won't and then mcdonald's like sued him and it was a whole thing that's not relevant to my story can we start a business called we've got the little spray can bring us your pans and we'll go and then you guys yeah has this ever happened to you

with a pan with a pork chop just like fused to it i was going to say how many pork chops are

fused to the pans that you gave your girlfriend and were you ready to send them back to the

company i had nod on them constituted of salmon skin at this point you're like here you go my

love well that's where i also get into this like very kind of dark art of seasoning like i don't know what the difference between seasoning and not cleaning a cook surface nobody does

I know it's so cool that you brought that up because it's a perfect segue into my tidying can I do mine mine involves uh a pan so here we go um but it does uh and it involves the art of seasoning and questions there thereof and um so I was away my entire family was away for the weekend this past weekend um and so we needed someone to come watch our dog and my younger daughter uh stepdaughter who is 20 has been begging for years she's been like i really want to come to the cabin because this is like a you know an old family property so like my kids grew up coming here um now they're adults and um my younger daughter was like i really want to come out there with my friends sometime and her older sister has done that like come out with a couple of friends like laid in a hammock went swimming did crafts found the decapitated seal on the beach and brought home its skull um things like that so finally this opportunity arose where I was like hey do you want to come dog sit take care of our golden retriever Barry for the weekend you can bring your friends you can have a little cabin weekend she was like yes yes yes yes yes And I was like, great, because I don't want to.

I have no other solution. I don't want to pay to board this dog, and this is great. Win-win.

Although you could take the dog to the greatest named dog babysitter ever who's roughly in your area, right? Dog Townsend.

Stupid. That's where I used to take—

I didn't hear what it was. It's called Dog Townsend, and it's where I used to take my dog when I lived kind of roughly in the part of the world you live.

Not roughly.

Oh, sorry.

Boo.

Okay, that's actually a hot tip because I do need a dog boarding place somewhere near here. So I will be going, because there's one closer and it has bad reviews.

I know the one you're talking about. I've been doing both.

And it killed my dog. Okay, so I didn't want to take him to, they killed my dog. Two stars though. Somehow still two stars. It was clean. It was clean. so my younger daughter uh for some reason i'm avoiding using your name i don't know why it just feels right so let's call her geraldine so yes yes yes i'm her mommy um so geraldine ferraro is like oh please please please i would love to do it um so i was like great and um so i left for the weekend she came out with her friends on friday i got back sunday night which was last night now i used to have parties out here when i was in my 20s and we were stupid as hell you know we had many mishaps um people were um careless and drunk and uh i i get it and my mother was very mean to me about it and she would come out afterwards and she would do a white glove test on everything and then she would torture me about being a bad daughter and so i do not want because like one time i forgot to wipe down the countertops oh one time i'm sorry there was one time i think

it was over the fourth of july weekend and somebody and we all set off like fireworks in your gravel driveway and there's like little bits of firework paper all over the gravel driveway and you were like we have to get every scrap we were out there just picking up every time in between every tiny piece of gravel you're like ingrid won't like this she will not like this not like

it and i think we got him we got we did we did and then but 20 years later i told her about that she was like oh they would have just melted when it rained it was just like tissue paper it was you know like she like didn't care and i was like we just burst into tears like really i so i don't want to perpetuate the cycle of violence with my child however i returned home last night and i immediately became my mother and i went everywhere in the house and i looked at everything and i took pictures of everything and i became sherlock holmes sure surely holmes because i'm a and I was like piecing together like the you know the timeline of what must have happened because it doesn't seem like anything catastrophic has happened however everything is weird everything in the whole house is weird and everything's a little bit gross and I'm like what what did you do what were you you touched everything in the house the house is huge how did you do this why is like every everything is just weird just a little wrong put back a little weird a little dirty a little slimy a little sticky and it's like i i just don't understand why you can't just sit on the couch and like smoke weed and go in the hot tub you were like a thing that i think i've pieced together is i think they went around the entire house and took every couch cushion every throw pillow every bed pillow every blanket and they must have like made a nest or something because every pillow is in the wrong place

um it's just they touched everything they touched everything every picture frame every salt and pepper shaker the kitchen table is one inch shorter that's exactly the vibe it's like

We're on an 80s sitcom and they're trying to make me think I've gone insane. So anyway, and then there's also just shit where it's like, you didn't even try. You didn't even try. Like, are you kidding? Do you know what I would have gone through if my mother came out here and I had left the cast iron skillet on the stove? encrusted with mystery to the point where like it looks like it's like brown shag carpeting just on the stove crust crustified and then they and i didn't notice it at first because it had a sheet pan sitting on top of it which was smart but then but not smart because then the sheet pan is like covered in bacon grease like a thick like a thick tsunami of bacon grease sort of like which is like how did that get there and then there's like uh mud on the wall a little just like a little or poop or i don't know or like oh and then four carcosas just small ones

and tied and left around.

Anyway, so I've been doing detective work and I'm trying to decide how to handle it. Like, is she in trouble? She did technically dog sit, which is what I asked her to do. The dog's alive. You know, I washed the pan, it's fine. um it just feels a little bit like i guess here's here's my takeaway and the thing about and this is also partly why i wanted to bring this up is because uh luke you also have an old kid and i get out here and i'm like looking around at all this work that i now have to do to finish putting the house back together and i'm like doesn't she understand that i'm a kid i don't want to clean the house yes i'm just a baby i'm i'm like you so you just are making you do it like you know what i mean it's i'm not like a mom i'm your peer i'm your doing this to me

this is offensive to me um you know what i mean yeah most of most of my being a parent of now a 30-year-old person in the world is realizing that I am allegedly the adult in the situation. That's what they say. And that just breaks my heart every time I realize it because I'm like you, Lindy. I don't think of myself as being 48 years old, and I don't think of myself as being the adult decision maker in these kinds of situations. I, when my kid was in high school, had a similar situation except I had not authorized any kind of a get together at my house but I was out of town or something and when I came home one of the bathroom doors one of the bathrooms was locked from the inside but there was no one in it which is like okay cool you had Chris Angel here what and then also the entire sink was just full of the in the kitchen was just full of like standing grotesque standing water which was the result i figured out when i reached in there of just you know i don't know uncooked like kernels of corn and just like stuff that had plugged it up and i i remember saying to my child who by the way has turned out to be a exceptional 30 year old but this was a tough time for us i said what happened with the sink and she goes what it's not like we poured concrete down there and i was like is this is this your defense That's where you set the bar. You didn't pour dry concrete into my kitchen sink and then fill it with water. You didn't do that. So we should have, I should not be able to bring this up at all as a topic. We should celebrate you, in fact. What a weird go-to. What a brave kid.

You should win a bravery award. I didn't pour concrete down there. That was a recognition. The most suspicious thing that I found in my investigation is that there's a giant bottle of carpet stain remover left out on the kitchen counter. So now I'm like, like, trying to figure out where the stain was.

If there's a bottle of Luminol out, you need to run.

So far, I have not found the stain, which is like scarier, you know? Yeah. but so i i don't think i don't think she's in trouble she just she did i would give it a two out of ten um cleanup job you know like not well executed clearly like five hungover 20 year olds did it because they were in a hurry to get home um but but there was a nod there was a nod to the

idea of a responsibility like it wasn't sounds like it wasn't well executed but there was a baseline understanding that's true that we cannot lock somehow the bathrooms and then and then like a apparition go through the

Smoke, vent.

Okay, here's the thing I want your opinion on. So the two things I want your opinion on are like, should I send her a picture of the dirty pan and be like, really? And like guilt her. Because I've been controlled by guilt and shame and I don't like it. So I don't, again, I don't want to perpetuate the cycle. But also, really? But question two. um okay she texts me on the saturday and she's like does the front door ever just not open for you guys like is the front door broken because it won't open sometimes even when it's unlocked and i have to go around to the side door and i was like no that's never happened that's weird and then i get home and indeed i try to open the front door and go in and it won't open the like latch is like broken and so then i'm like i don't want to accuse anyone of anything but i have a devious mind and if one of my jackass friends had broken somehow broken the door i would have done a subterfuge and been like hey mom is the door broken or something like you know what i mean to like plant the seed yes but that's

what she did let me just push back a little bit there i gotta say of all of the let's call them

party fouls like a broken door latch yeah like that seems like wear and tear no no if i were her i would think that's the thing that's most logistically complicated to solve i would think oh god that's going to involve calling a guy the rest of the stuff we in her mind she probably was like the rest of the stuff we can clean up this we don't have the capacity to fix so this

is the worst one were they playing party door though like what were they doing like bongs off

the doorknob because that's what i would have thought too when i was 20 i would have been like this is the thing that i'm going to get in the most trouble for because i because in reality that would be the thing that you would get in the it is probably wear and tear if it did break in their care it would have been because it's 25 years old they pushed it the last five percent of the way towards that correct and really like the thing that you are in trouble for is this oh no wait i forgot about the greatest crime of all excuse me the pan the pan very bad however last night i get home i drove five hours yesterday i was in oregon i drive all the way home i uh all I want for my dinner is a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

Oh, boy.

I look in my cupboard. I just bought a fresh box right before I left. I look up in the cupboard. By the way, cereal these days, you know how expensive that is? It's like $7. $7 for a bottle of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. And to her credit, I had said, Geraldine Ferraro, you eat anything you find in this house. That is fine. And I stand by that. However, if you eat the entire box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, don't put it back empty in the cupboard so that when your mom gets home, she opens it. She says, there's my dinner. Goes about her business. She finally settles down. She's like, yum, yum, yum. Time for Mommy's Treats. Empty, empty bag inside box put back in cupboard. I think there was a single toast. There was one crunch. Yeah, it's one crunch in the bottom. Damn. they got your ass they got my ass i mean this is karmic justice for sure because like i did all these things like oh yes i don't want to did i don't want to deal with like throwing away the bag collapsing the box are so there's you know i could i could argue it's not gone there's one

crunch one left there's one left i think this is karmic justice because you had parties at your house i think it's safe i think the statute of limitations has passed i think we can talk about this uh but you of course had the infamous party at your house where i spilled an entire thing of hormel chili all over your mom's white carpet and then i think that was the same party where when your parents came back they found a high-heeled boot in your mom's planter box and i think if i recall correctly she didn't talk to you about it directly she just brought it in she it was just like like you came home and it just was on the kitchen table And she goes, I found your friend's boot.

Yeah, and I remember, actually, it was this guy that I hate. Yes, he still sucks, by the way. He fucking sucks. He sucks worse now than he did then. And he had brought this random girl to my party.

Some Garfield bulldog that you're...

The girl was not a Garfield bulldog. No, we don't know where she came from.

She could have been a Quaker.

I was going to say, she's probably a Franklin Quaker.

my nemesis was a garfield bulldog he brought this girl i remember they were trying to leave and she couldn't find her boot and we were like i don't

I can't deal with, I can't be in charge of your boot, ma'am. Your boot is your responsibility. And then later it just, it wasn't like the next day. It was like the next season. It was like, and it was like encrusted with mud. And anyway, so karma.

I feel like also, Lindy, how much your daughter and what age she's at in terms of taking care of her own where she lives. And I don't know what her living situation is elsewhere. But in my experience with my child, as soon as she started having to buy her own Cinnamon Toast Crunch, things just changed radically. And I think we all experience that, right? It's like when you go from being a young person who doesn't have a lot of responsibility in the world to being the person who has to wash the encrusted or some call it seasoned cast iron skillet. Just a few rounds of that really just shifts your perception of the world. At least it did for me.

I, you know, and I think if I had to diagnose this group of children, adults, I would guess that they all still live with their parents. My daughter lives with her mom. So because they left about 14 beef francs in the fridge. They left a massive container of Wingstop Ranch, like probably a quart. Actually, that's Primo. Yeah. They left a case of Mr. Beast alcoholic energy drink. They left, like, a very—

Nobody makes it like Mr. Beast, though. I mean, you have to admit that. A YouTuber from North Carolina has really cracked the code on both cookies and energy drinks.

Sorry, but only monster energy drinks made in the Mr. Beast region can be called. Mr. Beast monster energy drinks.

The rest are just sparkling.

Thank you.

Yeah, so, yeah. Oh, a very, and I'll end my interminable tidying, but the cutest thing they left in the fridge is a very ambitious two packages of heads of romaine lettuce and a bottle of Caesar dressing that like, come on, you guys.

You weren't gonna. That was never gonna happen. That was never gonna happen.

But like, these are not children who are paying their own money for these groceries. Because if I had 14 hot dogs in my possession, you try to get those hot dogs out of my hands. I'm eating every last one. That's like a month's salary for 14 hot dogs. So thank you to Geraldine Ferraro's friends' parents for feeding me for the next two weeks.

Nice.

Okay.

Those are going to last 14 days. Only one hot dog per day? One hot dog a day. That's crazy. You need the protein, Wendy. Think of the macros. Speaking of macros, i would like to talk about my tidying which is about athletes um something is happening in the world right now i don't know if you're aware it's called the olympics uh and i don't even really care for sports that much i grew up watching sports i was really into the sonics then the sonics stopped existing and as far as i know the nba went with it i don't think there is an nba

anymore not that i've heard of that doesn't look like anything to me i won't be confirming um

Anyways, and then I got into football for a while. I watched football for like 10 years, and I really loved it, especially when the Seahawks won the Super Bowl. And then I felt like it was too racist to keep watching. You know what I mean? I think Jerry Jones said something like, well, if we give the players a raise, it's like letting the prisoners run the prison. And I was like, no, goodbye. I can't watch this.

Well, the thing, though, is it's not just racist. Yes. It's terrible on a lot of different levels.

Yes, it's also homicidal. you know um but uh mostly i don't really watch sports but then the olympics come around and i turn into sort of a nationalist psychopath that cannot be reined in i cannot be i cannot be stopped i i am become toby keith you know what i mean like i'm standing in front of a mission accomplished sign on an aircraft carrier and i'm like preying on the downfall of other nations i'm like i hope china falls off the beam i'm like what oh no that girl's only 14 and i'm like like uh i hope that german surfers ass gets exposed in the water i'm just kidding i did not wish that but it did happen i don't know if you saw that guy's ass i keep i keep seeing that

And I'm like, is that real? And then I don't want to fact check it because in case it's not, but it is. Yes. It's so funny. It's the funniest still image of anything. Face down, ass up.

That's the way we like to surf.

That's the way he liked to surf. You know what? Okay, now that I know that that's real and it really happened in the Olympics, you know what that makes me think, Megan? What? That I'm proud to be an American because at least I know I'm free.

I was just thinking that. I was actually just sitting here wanting to thank the men who died who gave that right to me.

Do you know what I mean?

see that guy's whole ass crack from the front all the way around to the top something about the olympics just makes me like want to go to war literally do you know what i mean like it's like wanting to start international conflicts with people it's so crazy because like i don't i mean america's fine i like it okay yeah i don't really care i feel like i have like a flag in my house or like in front of my house or on my car or anything but when it's the olympics

it's like you better watch your back france if you put like the letters g-e-r into google it just goes german surfer butt i was looking it up on my phone this is a real thing it's it's the number one thing people are currently searching for like so like now i'm just sitting around my house is

getting into like wild sports like yesterday i watched canoe slalom oh that's fun it's so and i was like oh my god she missed and i i become an expert in these things i'm like i can't believe the reigning champ missed the the gate oh you hate to see it you do and i'm like what who the fuck am i who do i think i am i'm like she should have picked up speed around the second gate wow big mistake from australia there you hate to see it it's so weird and then it's over and it's like uh it's like it's like the fever breaks yeah and i have amnesia about that whole period of time until 2028 when i'm like i'm gonna kill

that bitch from kazakhstan who's had it so good i was watching men's gymnastics earlier today

by the time this airs everyone will know the outcome but the men's gymnastics team won a bronze it's the first time we've won a medal in like 16 years or something because our men's team really sucks they let men play sports i'm just now realizing this

and sometimes they're okay at it yeah you know um did you i've only very very briefly dipped into the olympics this year which is weird because i kind of love the olympics because they're it the nbc does whoever's you know has it in the particular year but this year i think it's NBC like they do such a great job of just like telling this kind of inspiring story about a person who is doing a sport like you said Megan that I didn't even know was a sport an hour previous and now I'm heavily deeply invested in it but the one thing that I did see just flipping the channels was the there was a guy from the U.S. who was doing the the pommel horse or what's the That's what I was going to tell you about.

Oh, okay. So he's a pommel horse specialist. Yes. All he does is pommel horse. They brought him on the team, especially as a ringer on the pommel horse, on the p-horse. And he's a dork. And he wears glasses. Okay. And he's a huge freaking nerd. And he helped them win the medal today. It was so sensational. Like, everyone was like, oh, my God, he's had high profile failures on the p-horse in the previous world competitions. And I was like, don't put that out into the universe. This nerd is carrying the hopes of his whole country on his enormous, very svelte, sculpted shoulders.

Do you know who he looks like, Lindy? He looks like Medicated Pete from The Howard Stern Show. Exactly like Medicated Pete. And the thing that's incredible is he clearly very much needs his glasses. But he takes them off. And then he finds his way over to the pommel horse. He does not wear them when he's pommeling.

and he doesn't have contacts it's like he has like an emotional support gymnast take him to

the pothole horse and he had a croaky strap it's amazing i mean yeah it's i it shows you how how much that's about i guess muscle memory and just practice and stuff because i just happened to see like yeah i saw it very briefly and and he was like they were they showed his parents and it really looked like his mom had just woken up for this which i also loved like they just seem like really normal folks maybe a little a little bit draggled and then he had these these glasses that he then again took off before he does the hardest thing of his life that involves putting his hands in super particular places and then he just killed it he did um can i just can i just

clarify one thing really quick um uh alex and i actually have glasses and we oh resent just

you're talking about me

it's elix right yeah sure and we're god and we're i have all and we're cool yeah okay i have glasses too i've been waiting to use these for a bit

okay what were you guys talking about wait do i look unclothed right now

for people who are only listening um i'm not sure what happened megan And Megan just got 200 times hotter.

I don't know. She became a pommel horse specialist in the last 10, 15 seconds of putting her glasses on. Anyway, it was beautiful. If you think I watch men's gymnastics for a single moment outside of like the two week span of the Olympics every four years, you get a grip. I absolutely don't. But something about I was like, yes. And he did it for his country, my country, the blessed United States of America.

it's like disgusting isn't it isn't it maybe it's not weird maybe it's it's exactly how the rules should be but like the fact that russia is not allowed to officially be in it but there can be people from russia but if they win they can't play the russian national anthem it's like what

kind of shadow banning is that i know well in the past they were busted because of the they were they loved drugs uh and they loved to dope and so they were competing under a different name it was like the international federation or i forget exactly what the name was and this time they are banned because of war crimes in ukraine um and so now they're competing as like just like a rogue band of individual athletes and i think they all just sort of like wear their own jerseys they don't even have a name and if they survive in the los angeles underground

i would say that the the greatest story around doping involves the chinese swim team from i think two olympics ago where they all tested positive for this incredibly specific drug that is banned and then but it was on the nation of china to go investigate how it had happened and they went to the airbnb where the team was staying and they said the hood vent in the kitchen had high levels of this specific yeah masking drug and as somebody who's failed a few uas i gotta tell you i am amazed that that that story flew but it did well yeah they hired my daughter to come up

with that lindy just left the chat she's going to check the hood vents right now every time i go on

vacation i get bulked the fuck right and i become like just a world champion weightlifter every time

i go on vacation it's so weird i do you know i one of the things i found on my on my sherlock Holmes Hunt is some little white pills all over the bathroom floor that someone had spilled and I was like oh boy now I'm going to have to make this into an incident and then I was like I gotta okay I had to take off my glasses because now I'm elderly and then I was like I'm going to look up what these tablets are it's going to say like oxy I don't know and then it was Claritin but was it Claritin D because that's I don't think so I think it was I think it was, achoo, I have a little allergy to the dog fur.

There are also these pills, some of them in the shape of dinosaurs, some look like Barney Rubble. I wasn't exactly sure what those are either. I had to look them up. Oh my god, it's PCP!

So that's my tiding. I'm addicted to the Olympics. And then, I can't not mention Celine Dion, of course, performed at the opening ceremonies. And I'd like to say this about Celine Dion. I would like to donate my neurology to Celine Dion. She has a rare neurological disorder that makes it difficult for her to sing. And I'm like, I'm not even using my neurology. And I'm trying to hear those beautiful pipes, babe. You can have it. You can have it. I don't need them. I love her so much. And here's what I'd like to say. This might be controversial, but I am biracial. My mother is black and my dad is white. And the whitest thing about me is I would take a bullet for celine dion i'm obsessed with her she something about her is everything everything about her is amazing do you know what i mean it's like she's a very talented singer she's also a total fucking wacko which i love she's so weird and she doesn't try to not be weird i feel like there are other celebrities who are theater kid weirdos who try to act cool i won't name any of them because i don't want to catch the smoke uh but one of them is taylor swift and the other one

is lady gaga i think i think that they are both with very low-key fan base yes very low-key i'm

not saying they're not talented and that i don't that i dislike them but i what i am saying is that they're like dorks but they are like look how cool i am i have a dress made out of meat it's like okay you nerd stop it whereas selena's like i want to rock i just want to rock but I can't because I go to bed at night.

9pm and get 10 hours of sleep like she's so weird and then she'll like she'll do that she'll do like an air guitar and it's so embarrassing and she knows it too i just think she's so special i think

she's one of our planet's finest babes yeah i mean i think if people aren't aware of the comedy of celine dion you gotta just go on youtube and you gotta watch some super cuts because um uh this this woman has never met a talk show appearance that she didn't um be freaking nail that's not what i was reaching for but i meant more like turned into a freaking circus of you

know like he's like the robin williams of balladeering like she'll go on to the today show and be like older older you okay and everyone's like what's happening and it's very much giving uh robin williams manic episode except she is celine dion she's like you know

she's like she's she's like pinballing around yeah but it in a pinball machine made of like french canadian references cultural references that you know like that don't translate no one knows what she's talking about she's loving it like she's like nailing the delivery even if the

words that are coming out um she had kathy lee gifford annoyed like that's what you know like celine dion was being so insane that kathy lee gifford was like okay all right you know kathy

lee gifford by the way i had lunch with once what yes and she put that in your email signature that's the real award that's the real bravery award kathy lee gifford reached over to me um and i had lunch with her in my capacity as a journalist she was in seattle to promote a play

that she had written or something did you did you write this up in the stranger lynn probably

because i have a memory of this yeah i i went with brendan kiley the theater editor he was like you want to come to lunch with me and kathy lee gifford and i was like yes yes and then uh and he wrote about the play i was like shut up kathy whatever um just like engage with me say something weird and indeed she did she at one point reached over the table to me and grabbed the front of my dress and pulled it out and looked down my dress into my cleavage and she went who's down there

jimmy hoffa i'm sorry was it kristen wig doing an impression of kathy lee gifford because i believe

it was the real Kathy Lee Gifford and that lady was weirded out by Celine Dion on live TV that's what Celine is bringing to the table and that's why Celine renders me speechless when I try to describe her I know she's got to go to the video never touched anything in their lives let them touch those things for once

heavy rotation TBTL drop back in the

day I love her I just love her. So that's my dieting.

Don't you think the takeaway from the sort of arc of Celine, how we at least maybe down here in the lower 48 think of, I don't know how they think of her in Alaska, but down here in the lower, I was trying to say the United States versus Canada, but I don't think Canada considers us the lower 48. Hawaiians have some ideas. But I feel like you're about to say, I just think that I'm totally with you, Megan, that the like the arc of how we think of Celine Dion, maybe you never stopped, you know, like loving her. But I certainly I mean, the early the first night we ever did TVTL, we spent an hour with this guy named Carl Wilson, who had written a book called it was I forget the name was one of those 33 and a third books. And it was he listened to like, let's talk about love or like a Celine Dion record every day for a year. and he actually wrote about it in a fairly thoughtful way we of course booked it because we thought like get a load of this so I'm gonna listen to too much Celine Dion and it was I mean you know there were so many things about the early days of this show that I regret but like I have totally come around on her too and I think it's because she just never changed and now you know there's this documentary out that's about her and I heard from somebody who who watched it that one of the things that that comes to light is that celine dion is loves shoes and footwear and boots and all of it so much that she's on the record as i think the person interviewing her asked like um something about like well what if it doesn't fit and she basically celine dion's approach to shoes that she likes is to just make her foot a different size that's correct she's she says

what she says is they ask me what size do you wear and i say no no sir what size do you have from size six to ten i will make it work my journey with celine diana's i thought she was a massive fucking cornball for like 20 years like you know

because we were in high school for Titanic and stuff and that was the only song they let us listen to. That was the only song that was on the radio was My Heart Will Go On. I was like, okay, I get it. Pump the brakes. And then something happened to me where back when I used to have to go in the office, I used to watch like morning shows in the morning while I got ready. And she was like, she put out a new album and she went on all the shows. And so I heard the song of hers like five days in a row and I was like, God, this is corny. And then by day three, I was like what do you say to taking chances and then by day four I was like this song slaps and by day five I was like I would take a bullet for Celine Dion she just got me I don't know what happened it was like she just is magical you in that way and I was like I would die for her she's amazing and then you found out that she's uh uh the America's foremost um comedian I did yes and but not Canada's no only in the lower 48 in Canada she's normal as hell she doesn't even crack the top 100 in Canada they're like this is yeah no that's right

Andrew your tidings was also Celine Dion related right it was no you know I would just say for

for those Americans like myself who are not I'm kind of caught up in the Olympic excitement right now but you do have a love of country and nostalgia i will let everybody know that if you go on youtube and you type in full seasons of super password 1984 they're all there and that's how i've been spending my evenings usa usa i do i chant that quite a bit i don't know like are you guys old enough was this on in the house when you were growing up because like 1984 i'm a kid and we just had daytime programming on at all times we like the chatter and um I don't think I realized how much I missed super password and to be clear I'm not talking about 1960s password or the 1970s password plus I'm talking about Burt Convy like mid-80s super password anybody familiar

I have no idea what you're talking about to the point where I feel like you're doing a prank and pretending like this is like a piece of pop culture that everyone knows i can tell you how

i know it's not a prank because um this has come up on tbtl before and what we did on our show was i just played super password like from youtube and i would pause it and andrew would try to answer it we did this for an entire episode and it was hands down one of our best shows

which shows you how low the bar is how do you play how do you play i want to try i want to see

Oh my gosh, it's so good. I'm trying to figure out if we can even do this on the fly. Maybe one person can close their eyes. So there's closing of your eyes involved. Megan, take off your novelty glasses. Hang on, let me put my glasses on.

I'm ready.

Okay, so you can, wait, don't close your eyes yet. I'll explain the rules and then I'll tell you when you can close your eyes. This is sounding more and more like a prank the more I talk. Okay, so I'm going to need you to put one hand in a bucket of warm water and one hand in a bucket of cold water.

Put shaving cream in the oven.

So we, the audience. OK, so Burt Convy comes out. He is amazing. He's got he's got kind of a kind of a big round head of hair. The set literally moves. I want to say, like, the design of the set is incredible. I could actually make the argument. I honestly think this is if you leave Jeopardy out and just sort of sort of say that Jeopardy is its own sort of beast. I honestly think that mid 80s Super Password is the just quintessential ideal of a talk show. So the host comes out, and then he invites his two celebrity guests out. But this is like the mid-'80s daytime programming, and the guests are so sea level. One of them is like third on the call sheet on Trapper John M.D. I swear to God, Trapper, he says Trapper John M.D. comes out, and it's not the main guy whose name I can't remember. I have no idea who this guy is. And the other guy is who just retired from Wheel of Fortune. Pat Sajak. Pat Sajak was one of the other guests. And there will be a lot of like. Sea level? Wow. Well, he was still getting his start at the time.

He was a weatherman on KTLA at the time, probably, which I believe was the job he had before Wheel of Fortune.

I think he had some maybe national repute by this point. But anyway, often a lot of like stars from soap operas. And so these are the celebrity guests. And then there are a couple of norms that come out. A couple of normal people like you are, the contestants.

I was like, oh, like Norm from Cheers.

They're always named Norm. That's the beauty of the show. I'm telling you, they don't make them like this anymore. No, a couple of, you know, the contestants come out, and they sit down with whoever their celebrity partner is, and they have to guess what word we're all thinking. And we're all thinking the same word because the show has given us the word. So if the word is, for example, village, it could be something like village.

I might say town, and the person might say village, but they might say city, and if they say city, it goes to the other team, and they bounce back and forth until they establish that the secret word was village. That goes up on the board. Nice. Then there's another word, and then I think there are maybe six words that each team has to eventually solve, and then there's a main puzzle. One of the answers was smurf, so village. Oh, I see. I don't know toadstools

anti-semitism did we get to the bottom of that on the show that was a rumor we started and ended right that the smurfs were actually

anti-semitic I don't think we started it I don't want to take credit for that

I feel like I've heard that and also I think that Gargamel is queer coded yes

oh okay I can see that just saying yeah but i will say like the game the game itself is a lot of fun but i will just say that it's it's something i think it might have literally been live to tape like i don't think there was any editing because it's so rough around the edges there are flubs in there i mean and it's so chatty and people are like embarrassing themselves i really think are people smoking the vibe um no i don't think but the little device they bring out these little devices that that the people look down into to get their secret word. It's like, it just rings every single bell for me. I highly recommend it. They bump into, they crash into the network out sometimes. It's so great.

Dan Rather is like pissed because Bert Convy and Susan Lucci were trying to guess.

I'm trying to tell you about the Iran-Consha scandal. He didn't guess village in time.

Bert was literally trying to wrap up the show Oh, the producers Yell notes from off stage But it's not campy, they don't lean into it They just don't have the budget And so someone will be like, time, time And then Bert will be, oh, we're out of time, don't go anywhere I mean, until we're back next week, bye And it's like, that's, it's so great It's so good That's awesome

I love that

Tidings

Can I, so, I just had an update to my tidings Which is that Um, my, my friend Isolde is here. Wait a sec.

Can I play a sound effect for that if possible? Okay. We have breaking news, Lindy.

Yes. I have a friend who is staying here doing a little bit of work in our little guest cabin. And, um, so she was here for the party, but it's, it's set back in the woods. All she could hear was some country music sort of blasting. But she has been in the house, the main house with me today, and I've been telling her about all of my findings. And then just now, while we were recording, I just looked at my phone. She's texted me that it seems that the 20-year-olds have also left a big turd in the toilet. And she thought that might be good breaking news for the pod. She's right. She's correct. Well, unfortunately, I had to inform her that that was me.

well because someone's eating one hot dog a day because um we have some water pressure

we have some water pressure issues in the house so if you flush the toilet you can't take a shower for like half an hour you can't take a shower for like half an hour so i got up and then i used the toilet which is a normal human emotion and then i took a i closed the lid i took a shower and I thought, I'll flush that as soon as I get out. And then I forgot. And then I had to receive this text from an elegant French friend.

TVTL breaking news.

Can you imagine a French person finding your poop?

Oh, no. That's the worst. That is literally the worst nationality, probably. Maybe British. Because they'd be like,

Oi!

You were going a lot more cockney than I was thinking.

What's the whole thing? I just want to say,

Recognize this! I just want to say that we've known this woman for 20 years. And she found your dookie. Yeah.

Oh no! She's a dear friend. Well, she was.

How long, Lindy, how long did you even consider at this point just letting it ride on who she thought had done it?

Yep, I considered it real hard. And then I thought, I'm going to live in the light.

That's such a dangerous game. I play that game too much at my house because... um my dad and i have been working on remodeling my house and there is an upstairs bathroom that we put in like a little closet but it's just so that i can go to the bathroom in the middle of the night because i'm getting pretty old and i don't sleep through the whole night but i don't want to flush the toilet because it's right next to the room that my dad's sleeping in and like nothing is insulated but i anytime this happens i i make a note hey make sure you flush that toilet in the morning and 100 of the time i've forgotten to do that it's just like out of butt

out of mind out of butt out of mind that that's what my grand pal oh god i'm gonna die oh that's the worst thing i've ever heard yeah yeah the cinnamon toast

crunch box does not seem as bad anymore.

I think the children have been absolved, and now I am to blame. You're the prime suspect for a

number of things.

Did she send a photo the week you were tempted to send a pan photo?

Hopefully she didn't take one. I gotta bury this in the hole. She was like, look what I found.

You've hidden it in a place no one will ever find out about it. TBTL. That's where we like to put things that will never make it to the wider world.

Okay, I almost made that exact joke when you were talking about the pans and how you're going to strong arm. I was like, you already did your worst. I know. You talked about it on your podcast.

And on your more popular podcast, and it did nothing. It did not move any needles anywhere.

There's no way that's true. We may be climbing the rankings in Bulgaria. Okay.

We may be. Let's end every podcast arguing about whose show is less popular. I'm pretty sure this is where we ended up last time.

I know. Okay, we are the 400th most popular breastfeeding podcast in Croatia. I thought we were. You're 401, baby.

Great.

we were number three in tbtl stands for lactation and that's been really underreported since day

one yeah too beautiful to lactate yes good actually oh we're 184 in south korea as of today 184 what overall or comedy comedy oh i guess yes we we got in so early in the days of podcasting

tbtl did because we were fired from being a radio show um due to our breathless celine dion coverage and that we it was so early in the days of podcasting that there was probably a couple hundred like you know podcasts that were putting out consistently so we used to just we would be in like the top 20 we'd be in like this crazy numbers and i it was such a big part of my um sense of self-worth i would just check a refresh refresh refresh i was like and then it's amazing how the further we dropped in the rankings the more bullshit i thought that the podcast rankings to the point where if somebody would ever tell me where their podcast was i was like nobody even

looks at that shit literally not real lindy and i are still in the phase of looking at what is in

the top 10 and be like people listen to this shit it's always like dateline nbc just the audio

right he's always that it's joe rogan and dateline the podcast and i as a i'm a dateline head but you need i'm sorry i need to look at keith's face yeah i don't want to listen to that like that's called that's just like a spoiler that ruins my favorite thing just the audio you know yeah no

thank you yes dr huberman lab and dateline minus the interesting parts that's the things those are those are the things that are at the echelon of podcasting that i will never ever touch as a person who's been doing this for almost 30 years and it's the entire raison d'etre of my life and i can't beat just the audio of keith morrison i just thinking about

pivoting to being a bible podcast because those do really well too so if you ever need a guest i can throw down okay i just i just sent this to megan yesterday uh being like can you believe this shit because it was like i got served this in my algorithm on instagram and it was like theo vaughn who's constantly in like the top three uh professional comedian and um of course most famous as um road rules um yes alum which nobody talks about anymore and he has this podcast i got served this leg I love you.

clip from his podcast and it was him talking to Pauly Shore and what they were talking about was that Pauly Shore like started to say something and then Theo was like wait what and then Pauly was like what and then he was like oh I was just thinking about something no one's gonna know the

kids aren't gonna remember this guy dude most people can't even see that bar how how far can people see usually what do you mean I'm just saying like uh how far can somebody see What does that mean? The average sight distance for a person with normal vision is about three miles Get f***ed, dude I thought it was like 70 feet or something Why are you asking this question? I'm not sure exactly, I guess We were just talking about David Spade, average read Oh Whatever, man, we'll move it along

Nothing was said And then it was over And I was like Three million views? This man is a billionaire

there yeah from nothing i feel like every theo every theo von anecdote is like we used to have a guy in our town look like uh mcgruff the crime dog i believe he i believe it was a chinese uh chinese national it's just like just words in a row that are non-related but it's when during the pandemic when we all felt so lost for some number of people it was what they needed to hear it's the strangest phenomenon

I feel like I only ever hear him say like you know my dad was old that's all I ever the only clips

I ever get of his I just feel like I know comparison is the thief of joy but I just feel like Megan and me Megan, Lars and Alex are out here with our spinning wheels and we're spinning gold I brought a prop we're damaging

we're damaging relationships with our children in service of the content I mean the fact that this is kind of a crossover with your show raises the chances my actual daughter Capitol Hill Seattle resident will hear this usually it's safely tucked away on TBTL but I'm saying this is what we're willing to do for the content so please reward us with the smash the like button

I heard that you guys are big business boys.

Sure.

Somebody emailed us and told me that. And because we're businesswomen as well. We're trying to be better businesswomen or BBWs. Oh, my gosh. I'm on your website all the time.

I've been Googling that lately.

Yeah. Whatever you find, that's us.

Speaking of which, for the TBTL folks, can we talk about the business model of Text Me Back?

and the Patreon? Yes, the business model is, please support it, it's independent, patreon.com slash textmebackpod, and follow us on the various social media sites, but especially Instagram. We're on that one the most, that's at textmebackpod. I'm a follower,

it's a good follow. It's a good follow,

even though I've been shirking my social media duties, I'm responsible for it, and every morning I wake up and politics happens to me, and then I go back to bed. So, that's why you should support our Patreon, so I can hire a teen to run our instagram patreon.com slash text me back pod thank you so much and please subscribe to the patreon

because i have to buy a new front door so she has to season a cast iron pan folks i was thinking

lindy when when you were talking about that door thing and we and everybody was speculating i think accurately that it was broken by the young people and also that the young people were trying to create a plausible narrative i was just thinking at that age how much did i think a front door or a front door mechanism cost. And I would have come in around $10,000.

All of the money? Every dollar?

No concept of what anything costs. That's why, back to Megan's theory, that's why I'm pretty sure, or maybe it was Andrew's theory, that it was definitely the kids. Because of the fact that as a kid, you don't know how much something, you're not trying to buy that, so you don't know what it costs. So you assume it's thousands of dollars and you better create a cover story for it.

In a ton of work, again, surely you'd have to hire a person to come.

Yeah, you're not replacing. That's not like swapping out the goldfish. Right.

But Geraldine, if you're listening, you're not in trouble. Yeah, you are. You're busted, sweetie. No, sweetie. You're done. You're done so, babe. Much like Biden dropping out of the race, obliterated Trump's assassination attempt, me leaving my shit in the toilet. has memory hold. Absolutely. Don't worry about it. Who could remember what I was mad about before? It just moves. so quickly i'm in the shame spiral now absolutely rested the narrative and the news cycle i should say right away from uh yeah so don't worry about it how i was curious how frequently because i think this is what has just happened here for all of us uh because it happens on tbtl all the time we have like allegedly the structure of our show sure and then uh and it involves like hey andrew how's it going and then andrew often says i don't have much to talk about today and then about one to three hours later we look up and we have not done any of the top stories or anything like that uh i feel like we didn't get to anything other than tidings but that was so much fun is that an acceptable like episode of the show what happens over on it is for me i'm constantly

saying we only need to do one segment i'm always pushing for like i'm like let's give them three because we gotta we gotta swing for the fences with the p1s you gotta super serve those p1s We should make a 12-hour podcast episode. That's what the people want. And I'm like, I'm just a baby. You don't understand. I feel like here's where now that I'm in, the poop has kicked off a shame spiral, which is now expanding into other parts of my life. Did I talk too much during this? No.

Not enough.

I'm just sitting here being like, my tidying was boring. I didn't land the Celine Dion joke.

I did my always thing.

You got to talk about his pans. I just feel like I don't even, Andrew didn't get to have a tidying, and Luke talks about pans for five minutes, and then-

No, five minutes, five hours. Wow, somebody's forgetting about my brilliant super password segment.

I thought we were going to guess the password. We were going to play a sample game. We got our blindfolds ready?

Okay, do you guys want to play? Yeah. Okay, so only one person, I think, I don't know how to do this. I think only one person needs to guess the word, and that person will have to close their eyes. Who wants to be the guess-er?

uh lindy maybe maybe we can't tell if megan's eyes are open or closed due to

that's why i bought the glasses because i know i got them for a bit which we haven't actually done on our show yet so i want to save the mystery okay okay which means i need to come

up with a word it's going to be very mundane but i am going to write it down on a piece of paper, legibly this time, and I am going to hold it up to the screen. Actually, everybody just rest for a moment, okay? I'm worried that I'm making this too difficult, but I'm going to try this. I've gone through like four different words, and I hate all of them, and some of them are two words, which I don't think I'm allowed to do.

i can think of so many words and alex okay i've got such a good one oh close your eyes

okay well okay lindy has a good one what about this wait lindy has a good word how about okay okay okay yep yep okay close did you see it i didn't see it okay okay close your eyes lindy okay megan has come up with a great word we all know what it is luke you give a one word clue to Lindy. I had my eyes closed when

Megan held the word up.

So you don't know what it is either. No, that's actually good. We'll co-guess. Okay, that's great. Great, great, great. So I will give no, I don't think I should go first. I'm not proving my mettle here. Lindy, you're on Megan's team. I'm on Luke's team. Megan, you give your first one word clue to Lindy. See if she gets it. If she doesn't, it goes to us for the next guess. Wheels.

Car. No.

Can you imagine if that was the word to Megan who came up with that we were all so jazzed about?

Okay, okay. Now, the cool thing is here is we're building off of what you have already established. Yeah. Okay, Luke. You don't have to close your eyes, Luke, but it might help.

Pedaling. Oh. Boy, that was such a confident oh. and then it really was it was i'm sorry you think you just fell out of a coconut tree um uh that was just to buy myself some time uh three two bicycle

indeedly do my friend we're just too good i should have said tour de france

love it look how angry look how angry lindy is that bicycle well i think i would have suggested

turd as a callback to Lindy's story. I feel like that's...

Do you guys don't want to know what I was going to do for my word? Yes. What? Knife! Whoa!

Very violent. Alright. I think I gotta go. Okay, listen. I just want to say once again, Megan and Lindy, thank you for taking this time with us. love your show so much and both of you and I have to say in all sincerity because we had such a fun time the first crossover when and you know how it is with friends and even podcasters there's a lot of like we should do this again and it never ever ever happens and maybe that's you know fine most of the time maybe that's how it should be but in this case the fact that you all said yes we should do this again was very gratifying to us because we are such fans of your show and both of you as humans

thanks we love you guys too and we do know what your names are yes logan all right and arnold arnold deadpool uh no we were so excited to be asked and i think we should do this quarterly oh business woman alert yeah bbw is speaking okay yeah the fiscal quarters okay great fiscal quarters is one of my

favorite bbws power out