Muse

Honey. Come on, honey. Wake up.

No, I'm so tired.

It's our engagement party. All of our friends are going to be here.

I don't want to talk to anybody. I'm asleep.

Fine. Put on your Cinco FaceTime Party Snoozer, then.

It's the Cinco FaceTime Party Snoozer. Sleep right through parties and social gatherings without anyone noticing. The Zinco FaceTime Party Snoozer features five distinct audio responses using my professional voice. And the Zinco FaceTime Party Snoozer comes with this amazing body brace and earphones that pipe in soothing music so you won't need to hear a single word anyone is saying.

My accountant tells me that I might be eligible for a 436 rebate now. Sure, why not? As a small business owner, that's exactly what you want to hear. I understand. Rebate, sign me up. Thanks for coming.

Take part in interesting conversations while you get much-needed rest.

We'd be on this river, and it would wind around like this. Sure, why not? We'd have our fish. I understand. We'd pull in the fish.

I understand. The fish would be flapping around. Sounds good.

Okay. Nobody's fitness at all. Okay. But, you know. Thanks for coming. We caught maybe, I don't know, a dozen or so. I understand. Blue river. Okay. Really gorgeous, though.

Sure, why not? It's the Cinco FaceTime Party Snoozer. I understand. What's up, Internet? What's up?

It's people who identify as nerdy, rapping about the things they love. Video games, science fiction, having a hard time meeting romantic partners.

Losers, in other words. I'll tell you another thing. Once you step inside this circle, the weather never changes. It is always 67 degrees with a 40% chance of rain. Always.

What if my heart stops beating? What if I'm looking for a bathroom? I can't find it, and my bladder explodes.

Holy forking shirt balls. We're in the good place.

Well, all right, hello, good morning, and welcome everyone to a Wednesday edition of TBTL, the show that just might be too beautiful to live. a beautifully wrapped glossy sweet smelling show my name is luke burbank i'm your host when it comes to believing in myself i'm an atheist coming to you from the madrona hill studio

perched high above the mighty columbia where it is new year's eve day ready to party

with the best of them we are wrapping up 2025 and looking forward to 2026 here uh at episode 4 632 in a collector's series let the fun begin and what other way than celebrating an important part in all of our lives and that is the grocery store a list of the top five grocery store experiences welcome to food news today it's part of our continuing it's beginning to look a lot like list miss and also listing our way into the new year series that we've been doing intermittently here uh by the way going to the grocery store is it's like an all-night party for this guy of course i'm talking about andrew yalapano walsh who is joining me right now good

morning my friend good morning i'm sorry i'm distracted because i'm filling out typing yeah Yeah, I may have already come up with a title for today's show, Intermittent Listing. Intermittent Listing. We're going to go with it.

Or Intermittent Listening, which is what we do on this show.

The problem is I was trying to spell intermittent while talking, and I think I wrote interment. Intermittent. Okay, now I'm ready to do the show. Good. And I had something that I wanted to talk to you about, and I don't know why I just got a wild hair. Well, I do know why, because a friend of mine just texted me some sort of, like, kind of goofy 90s art of a chef that is, like, kind of, it's like a cartoony kind of chef swirling a bunch of, like, ingredients around and vegetables and pizza, and it was part of a meme, and the meme said, I miss when you would go to a restaurant in 1997, and they would have some shit like this on the wall, and it's, like, just, like, this very 90s art.

So it's kind of an animation, it's like a drawing. It's like a drawing, yeah. Doing a bunch of stuff.

But in that very, like, very, like, colorful 90s swirly kind of way. And I wrote, yeah, something like that means you might get free breadsticks. And I also wrote, you know what I really miss is walking into a restaurant in the 90s and seeing these. And it was a photo. This is just something that's been on my mind lately. Of those old Wendy's tables, have we talked about this? What was it like when you walked into a Wendy's in the 1990s? Do you remember what the tables were like? I feel like they had very rounded edges in the

booth and and i feel like for me what i think about 1980s era wendy's was also maybe they had

a salad bar they did have a salad bar i'm not thinking of any rounded tables i'm thinking though of the newspaper print tables that wendy's had in the 1980s and 90s and they were like it was like a bunch of ads from newspapers from the 1800s for weird tonics and devices and stuff

like that you remember those guys i do although i'm wondering i mean it was a national chain so if they did it in ohio then they must have done it in seattle but i wonder also because you grew up in the cradle of wendy's you grew up in the state where dave thomas fought for our freedom to have square hamburger patties so i wonder if there was if that hit ohio before it hit out out west because i don't remember i don't associate that strongly with my wendy's experience really

interesting well i was looking it up online i was like why could i maybe that's a weird way to start that sentence or that question but i was like wouldn't it be possible to buy one of those i feel like there must be a million of those floating around because wendy's as you said was a national chain there must have been and i found a whole bunch of people like reminiscing about these tables online but and then i found some that had been for sale and then but had already been sold Yeah, and then I did find right as we dialed up, I did find there is one that is still available that I could buy right now for a cool $800 plus $140 delivery fee. And I don't know if you're looking at this closely. This poster, the person who posted this, did a good job of showing the details of the corners. There is a little bit of damage, as you'd expect, as this table was probably sitting in a Wendy's for probably at least 20 years. As you can see, there's going to be a little bit of damage as, you know, all kinds of people come and go and sit down at this table. The thing is, I don't want it like there's I mean, I that's not true. I do want it, but I don't want it in my house. You know what I mean? I think I just want to be 12 years old and sitting at a Wendy's.

Exactly. That's what you're nostalgic for is being that age and eating a Frosty. Yeah. I mean, my fries in that. I say this with peace and love. This is not an attractive item to have in the home environment as far as I'm concerned. No, it's not. Now, what you could do, though, if you did commit to it, it could be good. It could be okay rumpus room, you know, if you had a wet bar downstairs or something. Somebody was bringing over some cubed-up mozzarella to watch the fish on the TV.

Back when we were in New Hampshire, we had what we would call a party barn. It was an old barn from the 1800s or something. Didn't you have a ping-pong table in there? We had a ping-pong table in the refrigerator. My buddy who we bought the house from, he's the one who sort of outfitted it with all those things. I could see this being like sort of an outdoor party barn thing I wouldn't want to bring this even into my basement I don't think Only it just doesn't kind of match what I'm going It's very busy It's a very very busy look Which is not my favorite thing But it really does make me Yeah just long for the past

Well what you could do If you decided for some reason That you really did want to have this in your home You can buy the poster wall art Of the Wendy's hamburger table Said in Mitt Romney voice for $29.11. So they will send you the poster, and then you could, I'm sure Veeves could figure this out, you could then glue it down onto a table surface and you could kind of recreate the experience.

Well, let's talk about this for a second because you've homed in on something that I wanted to talk about as well. There are two listings for Wendy's newspaper table poster wall art. One of them is $28.07. The other one is $29.11. I'm actually interested in the psychology of that 0.07 and 11 cents, but moving on. The first listing for $28 does a good job of showing you what you're going to get. The description says poster wall art, and when you look at the photo of it, it's clearly a two-dimensional thing you can hang on the wall. The one below that, the one that's slightly more money, that is $1.04 more, it says Wendy's Hamburger Table then dash poster. But when you click on it, it only shows you photos of the old table. It does not show you it hanging on a wall. I feel like this is trying to trick somebody to think that they're buying this table for $20 or $30.

It's definitely misleading. And, in fact, when I saw it, I thought, and it's got buy it now for $29.11. I thought, well, let's buy this now for Andrew and ship it to the house. And then with a little bit more investigating, I was like, oh, yeah, it is just the poster. The other thing about the top ad, the one that's $28.07, is you can zoom in on the actual poster and you can read some of the items. Like, there's an ad for the Regal Gramophone Grand, a perfect talking machine. The Regina Gramophone, $20. I love that. You can scroll over to, there's for some reason just, it seems a random picture.

of ben franklin no it's because it's a ben franklin furniture company is one of them there's um some various sort of ladies beauty products i'm i'm very interested in the actual backstory of where they got these uh you know these ads from the dave tom where dave thomas and how in how involved in

the decision was dave thomas back in the day i'll bet you pretty involved i would guess who seems like that kind of guy if this was like kind of original or when it was pretty new i think that This is probably a good bet that, by the way, I'll definitely use this as show pick art today. We can look at this. I'm looking at this toilet set, but it's not a set of toilets. It looks like some sort of a tea set that is called a toilet set. The price is a modest $3.75. I think I mentioned this to you on the show recently. Speaking of Dave Thomas projects, you never had Sister's Chicken out here, did you? No, not that I remember. We talked about that. Do you remember me mentioning that to you, though? So, like, basically these buildings started sprouting up that they were the shape of a Wendy's sort of. I bet you this came up because we were probably talking about Wendy's Carver stations or whatever because of the chair company. Is it just like a fancier Wendy's? No, it was Sister's Chicken. So it was like – That's what they say in the show. Oh, yeah. Oh, the Carver's, yeah. But this was basically a run at KFC or back then it would have been Kentucky Fried Chicken. But it was clearly a Dave Thomas thing. We talked about this not very long ago. Yeah, probably because of the chair company. And I remember the art, instead of like the cartoon of Wendy, it was like three Wendy's like, you know, young women or whatever, but all, and it's felt very much of a piece. And I remember my family being smitten by Sister's Chicken. We thought, because I don't know that we were KFC people, but I don't know, my parents were probably at some party and somebody said, have you tried this Sister's Chicken? And we really thought it was going to be special. I remember when like- Chicken and biscuits. Sister's Chicken, Bark's Root Beer, those New York Seltzers. Certain things I just remember coming, being a kid and feeling like there's a lot of buzz around these exciting new products.

I feel like Bark's Root Beer opened my mind because I was like, there are two. God made Mug and A&W, not Adam and Steve. There was the natural order of Root Beers, and it was A&W Root Beer or Mug Root Beer. and then one day there was a new kid in the neighborhood, at least in my awareness living in Seattle, and that was Bark's root beer, and I remember just thinking, like, that is amazing. They're making a third root beer. We don't have to live under this sort of soft bigotry of only thinking there are two root beers, and maybe that applies to a lot of other things. Maybe there's other stuff that I thought there was only one or two of, but there are multiples, and maybe some of those multiples are even better. My mind was expanded by the existence

of barks root beer let me ask you this because i remember another root beer coming out that we were very excited about that came in bottles but i'm wondering was that barks or was that a different one did bark i remember being in a can okay i can picture the cans i don't even know if they've changed all that much and i'm trying to remember if we were excited because there was some sort of fancy root beer we started getting again around this time of of you know exciting consumption where it was like whoa root beer in a bottle like we're going back to an era when root beer was like closer to like a kind of a beverage more akin to a beer or something. I'm looking up a

Barks Root Beer commercial from 1997 because I think part of it was that it was supposed to be like more flavorful, right? Like it was supposed to have more bite, if you will. Barks has more bite, was that

maybe part of the thing? Barks has bite, yep.

I was looking up the commercial and I don't know if this is a good commercial or not, but I do know that it stars a I don't know, 17-year-old Nick Swardson, the comedian Nick Swardson.

Barks, the one with bite! What do you mean Barks has bite? Johnny? What do you mean Barks has bite? Johnny? What do you mean Barks has bite? Oh, hey, man! What do you mean Barks has bite? Here, try some of this.

Ouch! I haven't seen him that excited since he got his heels. Ouch! You tell him, Johnny! You tell the world!

So there you go. Barks has bite.

So Nick Swartzen, is he the I'll turn it up a thousand notches if I have to from I've never seen what that's I don't know.

Look, I can't say because I don't think I've ever seen that drop. I've only heard it in our thing. So I can't say for a fact. But Nick Swartzen was he was on Reno 911. He played Terry, the kind of roller skating. Yeah, I guess you would say sex worker who was always getting in trouble. He was he had some kind of a movie called Mama's Boy. He's like best friends with Adam Sandler and all of these guys I think he got sober But there was a period of time where he would He was having a problem of showing up for gigs Where he was too high or drunk to do the gig And was kind of making the news But I think he's kind of got his life back on track now That's what I got for Nick Swartzen

I think I get him

confused with a fella and this might be interesting or this might be incredibly painful but if we can piece this together i think the guy who yells i'll turn it up but well i'll just play it for you man you know your stuff but you're like a crazy volcano you'd have to show me you can bring it down a notch i'll bring it down a thousand notches if i have to so who i think sounds like billy eichner yes i was gonna say i think this is see i couldn't remember his name thank you i was gonna say it's the guy who would be out on the street and i couldn't think of his name is billy on the street is there a reason why i would conflate these two fellas do they have anything in common billy eichner and nick swartzen yeah i think that unlikely they they but for me i think it's one of those things like everybody um i'm trying to think of um there are some other white guys that i get confused and genevieve was teasing me about it on after these messages recently um and for some reason i do get those two guys confused and i don't know why yeah i want to help you on this

But the thing that's interesting is, like, Billy Eichner is like a 6'3 Jew from the Northeast, and Nick Schwartzen is like a 5'10 doughy white guy from Minnesota. I just feel like maybe it's because they're both very much on my radar, like overly so, certainly in the case of Nick Schwartzen, that I have a hard time seeing the overlap. But, you know, that's just because I have, for some reason, because Nick Schwartzen is friends with a lot of the people whose podcasts I see pop up on my TikTok feed. I get a lot of Nick Swartz in my life as a person who doesn't have a really strong feeling about him one way or the other. In fact, on a certain level, it feels to me like he's not that funny, but he's just been surrounded by the people that are pretty funny or have big comedy careers. So he's been brought along. And I'm a little confused as to the durability of the Nick Swartz project because I haven't been cracked up by him a lot. Whereas Billy Eichner cracks me up all the time.

Well, if he's the guy who was on roller skates in Reno 911, then that was something that always made me laugh, although I haven't seen that in a really, really long time. But that would be it.

I loved that character, but I think I wouldn't love that character now because of what this sort of—the joke was that he's clearly a gay man who's very silly and flighty in a way. i don't know and i i mean i asked this the other day about like having actors who are sighted playing an actor or playing a person who's blind and like is that is there something about i mean i thought that terry character was a friggin hoot yeah terry yeah yeah i thought it was an absolute hoot but now when i see those clips of reno 911 pop up i i guess i in instinctively i kind of i i i wince a little bit because i go i mean i don't even know why though this could be me just like snowflaking out like is there anything wrong with nick swartzen who's as i understand it i believe probably a straight man is there anything wrong with nick swartzen just pretending to be a very flamboyant kind of flighty gay guy on roller skates and reno i mean is there anything wrong with that probably not but there's something about it can i ask you a question and this is

maybe be a really dumb question and again i don't i don't i don't know that i am well i don't know that i need to weigh in on it but i'm i don't think i'm particularly hung up on it but while we're having this conversation is Thomas Lennon gay? Because he plays a very gay coded character on that show. But I don't know anything about Thomas Lennon's personal life either. I don't believe

that Thomas Lennon is gay. So does that give

you the same pause? No

because the way that Dangle is that his name? Yeah, yeah. Lloyd Dangle or something. Lieutenant Dangle. Lieutenant Dangle. So like when he's new boot goofing. Yeah, right. There's some, there's a, I'm, listen I am not saying that I am right or that this is how any of this works. I'm just giving you my honest how my brain reacts to these two different people on Reno 911 playing what you might say are sort of two different versions of I guess what a gay man could be. There's something when he's doing look at these boots, genuine ostrich. And then he goes, I'm just goofing. New boot goofing. There's an essential dignity and a kind of a silliness and a kind of a wink and a nod to that character where he doesn't talk about his sexuality but maybe maybe that is the case for him that I kind of put in one category and then there's just like Terry just being a hot mess all the time that I put in another category in my own brain I am not here telling anyone how they should feel about this or saying I am right I am only telling you how my brain tends to sort these two different performances yeah that's

interesting because generally speaking I would agree with you that like I mean obviously any any kind of pop culture thing that leans into a stereotype even if it's not supposed to be cruel but basically reinstates a false narrative about a group of people that's bad and then especially if that's coming from somebody who's not part of that marginalized community boy boy what a fun way to talk andrew but you know i'm being honest i'm being serious like if it's somebody else and it's not even your community and you're doing something

that is humorous and you don't think you're poking fun in it but you're like you know kind of again playing into stereotypes and and you know kind of supporting stereotypes to get a laugh that's obviously problematic it's funny the breakdown of these characters and it could be that I mean I used to watch a lot of of Reno 911 I always have to be careful because I want to say Brooklyn 99 I get them confused but just the titles but anyway it's funny because I think that lots of the joke is more on dangle whereas i sort of feel like the roller skating guy terry is so large and in charge and confident in a certain way but both of them are definitely stereotypes and i do think that dangle he's not i don't think he's an openly gay character i think he's more right closeted which is maybe that's problematic and again i'm not weighing in on whether it is or not it never neither one of those gave me pause but i'm also you know maybe

that's not for me to judge or whatever well and nick swartzen was also the guy behind something that we played on the show all the time and really don't play anymore which was gay robot and the premise of gay robot was from i have the sketch is it snl or it's not snl i forget it was some he had a sketch comedy show as well i think nick swartzen did okay and and basically the premise was there was a robot that was being built and someone spilled a wine cooler into it while making it and therefore it became a gay robot and it's just and it's just kind of like I mean I thought it was the funniest thing of all time and we used to play even this just this short clip like a robot you

know I never said that um I know like haha just kidding I don't know that I've ever heard that honestly or if so that used to be psych haha just kidding was

a thing we played a lot um and and that's nick schwartz and voicing gay robot and i mean it was again it's one of those things that i if i'm being totally honest it it is funny to me but it also is like it's playing into even even though it's even though it's comedic and again i'm not telling anyone what they can like and not like for our show i it's i decided at some point that i just didn't think it was worth the possibility that it would bum somebody out or that it would perpetuate a stereotype that I don't really want us on this show to necessarily perpetuate. But so anyway, it's just funny that we're talking about Nick Swartzen as he played that Terry character, and he also was the creative mind behind the gay robot sketch, which I have to say I absolutely thought, I thought was hilarious for a long time. And then at some point I thought, eh, maybe we can

just lay off of that one. Yeah, that probably makes sense, especially because I'm looking at, I'm worried about saying his name wrong, but Swartzen, I'm looking at him now, and he kind of does look very kind of hetero bro-y and i wonder if that plays into it as well you know what i mean like how somebody and if you just picture a bunch of like kind of bros pitching a sketch comedy thing it wouldn't be funny if this robot were gay it just kind of has a very different feel to it as if than if that idea came from a gay man you know like and if he's especially bro-y in real life

then that does give me more pause i don't know anything about the writer's room of that show you know somebody could probably email and say well you actually the person who wrote the sketch happened to be gay or whatever that's all totally possible i just feel like for us for you and me anytime you know anything that's just on the line it's like ah why not just leave it alone there's plenty of other funny stuff that that we can play most of it from um i think you should

leave well i have an amos and andy sketch here that i was going to play for you how about would

Everything under the sun except Amos and Andy and Bubblegum. What is that? Something my mom used to say.

I should have guessed. Why did I even ask? Thank you, baby.

All right, let's thank some donors. These generous people are supporting our program. They are donating money. And that money goes into the TBTB coffers, and then it comes back to us as a paycheck. And then it means you can do this five days a week, 52 weeks a year, even on New Year's Eve Day, even tomorrow on New Year's Day. We're putting out brand new TBTL content for you and for folks like Dave Austin, who's out there in Snohomish, Washington.

Thank you, Dave. I'm really hoping. Do you think that our next donor will be Dave Snohomish from Austin, Texas? That would be amazing. That would be unbelievable.

And yet, it's not the case. I'm sad to tell you. But I'm happy to tell you it's Scott Pompier of Poulsbo, Washington. You've been to Poulsbo, Washington. I have been, yes. No, Scott, that's even better than my made-up person.

Scott's a real person.

That was where our undisclosed location was one year when we were back during the pandemic. Yeah. beautiful hunkered down in a in a secret spot and did the thon um thank you scott thanks to britta jackson in aberdeen washington we had an aberdeen yesterday that's great thank you check it in from grays harbor county thanks britta i wonder if thanks to becky know each other that's great i didn't have to their names start with b they live in aberdeen they listen to tv they listen to tbtl let's get an aberdeen meetup going absolutely i'll be there uh lindsey llewellyn is in west field indiana oh Oh, okay, good. Like the mall company. What is the mall company? Isn't Westfield now? Westfield is one of the major mall owner groups. They own a lot of the malls. I wonder if they acquired Simon. Are they kind of the modern, almost upscale outdoor mall? I think they have some of those, but I just know that, yeah, westfield.com. Let's see here. Show purposes, reject all, I accept. Find your Westfield Center. Trending at Westfield, you know what's funny is not to go back to the Tim Robinson universe, but it's like Westfield has apparently 72 shopping centers in 12 countries, creating one unforgettable experience. But when you start scrolling around on a website for a mall company, you start getting heavy-duty chair company vibrations.

Yes, you do. Absolutely. Oh, I miss that show. I didn't think I was going to miss it this much. I love that I had I'm glad that show wasn't too hyped up for me before I saw it I'm glad that I didn't know what I was getting into and almost at first I was kind of like a little bit dubious of whether or not I was going to like it because I think that's what made me like it even more that nobody had told me anything about it and I had to experience it myself and now like it really I really took to it Luke and now I miss it like a friend who's gone away and says they're going to come back at the end of the summer or maybe the next year but I got to trust that they will

the way that I miss Jessica Shard in Portage, Michigan in the year that it's been since we've read Jessica's name. I've missed her, but now she's back.

Yes, thank you. This is good. And hopefully we'll get to thank you again next year, Jessica. We appreciate it.

And we also appreciate Gather Kenyon. Oh, Gather. Good old Gather. Come together right now. Chicago, Illinois. I thought we were doing a duet. We can't because of the There's a slight delay in the line And it's I think the main thing Keeping our musical career back

Dip, dip, dip You go high You paused so long there

I thought that the line froze

I didn't know that you were done talking I was waiting for you to finish up So I could go into my So I go into my low bassy sing Song

Well thank you so much to all of our donors For making TBTL possible We wouldn't be here without you That's for darn sure. Hello, and welcome to Top Story. All right, let's talk grocery store experiences. This is another list that's been submitted. This is the best five things that could happen to you at the grocery store, or moments of being in the grocery store, or experiences in the grocery store.

I think going with experiences is the best way to describe it, yeah, because it's both things that could sort of be put upon you or that you put upon yourself. And this one came in just a couple of weeks ago, honestly, or maybe I just found it a couple of weeks ago on the voicemail line from Ben in Tucson.

What's up, guys? This is Ben in Tucson, and I am bringing you my top five list of grocery store experiences. I want to start off with just a quick couple of honorable mentions. First honorable mention is being a kid and getting a free sugar cookie from the bakery section. I grew up in Phoenix, and this was a big deal.

Did you get that, Luke? I don't think I got that as a kid.

Oh, I did. Listen, my mom was not one to miss out on a freebie for her kid, and I learned at a young age that if you went to the bakery at Albertsons or Safeway and you asked them for a cookie, they were legally obligated to give you one. I don't think it was – where I grew up, it was not specific to sugar cookies. I think it maybe was whatever they felt like, but I would look forward to going to the grocery store so much for that exact thing.

Do you remember a couple of weeks ago on the show, I mentioned to you that I had watched the movie The Thin Man, and I was totally unfamiliar. I mean, I'd heard of it, but I thought it was more of a kind of a hard-boiled detective story. I didn't realize that the movie was more comedic in nature, and it focuses on Nick and Nora, this married couple that are just delightful. And there was a line in there that I—this movie came out, I think, in 1936 or 7, and there is a line in there that was so funny. I'm just thinking of it because you said it was the law. they're investigating a murder or something or they're sort of tied up in this whole drama and they're talking to an actual police officer to this couple and they happen to be in the couple's bedroom

late at night and the and the officer is I don't know what he's referring to but something in the criminal code and he says something like well are you familiar with the it's like something like are you well I hope you're familiar with the Henderson Act and the wife and Nora says oh no it's okay we're married and I laughed so hard it was so I to me that was so dirty like such a such a cheeky little joke right like as he was talking like some sort of law that would have to do with murder or you know intimidating a witness or something but he says you took it to be a

sexual position i interpreted it to be some kind of like some rule about not cohabitating you know like the volstead act as it related to alcohol like it feels like everything was an act back that it was like the such and such act which prohibited this or that so i took the joke to be the henderson act just sounds like a thing that that would have prohibited them being in the room

together or something? Well, I think maybe it was the way I had it set up, because it's well into the scene, and it's just like this really quick throwaway thing. I think it has more to do with acts that sort of Like actual Some sort of sexual act that could have been outlawed if you weren't married or something Anyway, I'm sort of shoehorned that I will say, back to the thing I never got free cookies at the grocery store but, and I'm just remembering this now, a big part of our grocery store experience was my mom, and And it's funny, I don't think of myself as being a kid that had to be bribed or whatever. We were kids who we behaved because if not, let's just say my family was a little bit more stick than carrot, if you will. But one tradition we did have was my mom would always buy us a little box, one of those little boxes of animal cracker cookies, right? And it was a small box, and it looked like a circus train car, and it had a little string as a handle. Oh, sure, of course. But we would get those when we went into the store, and we would eat them throughout the shopping experience. And then at the end, I remember one time my mom being like, don't throw that away. Don't throw it away. Oh, I thought. No, the opposite. My mom would have been like, let it lie. Let it lie. Throw that away. Throw that away. But then paying at the end, and at one point learning like, oh, we pay for these things. But anyway, that's a fun grocery store experience.

I, once I found out about the iced cookies, you know, they were the same shape, but they were iced. I was, I could never go back. Couldn't go back. Couldn't go back to the typical animal cracker cookie that was just the, you know, the little non-iced version. Those iced animal cracker cookies or whatever they called animal cookies or something in that kind of bag, you know, that like, it was almost a kind of a waxy plastic bag kind of a thing. That was how they sold them out where I wasn't. Oh my gosh. I could definitely take down. Like it was a family, like it was not like something you'd get in your lunch. It was like, it's like a full thing of Oreos type of deal. Like this is what you would buy and keep in the cupboard at your house and everyone would have some.

But they were small like animal crackers. See, for me, we never bought them. We only had the kind that were in the little classic box that I was talking about. And then the only time I had the iced ones were if I were at like a school party or, you know what I mean? Somebody else's situation. We never bought them. So I can't picture the packaging at all. Those were just like little treats for me. Are you looking at it? I loved those. Yeah, I don't know. I'm getting hungry for these. All right, let's go back to the grocery store with Ben.

Back then being a kid, if you were with your parents, you had to stop by the bakery counter and ask for a free sugar cookie. It was a specific kind. I don't know if they even still do this, but I hope so because it was amazing. Second honorable mention, just really quick, as a tall person, getting something down from a high-up shelf for somebody who needs it. Not only did you help somebody out and they feel great, you got to show off how tall you are. You did nothing to earn that credit, but you take it anyway. You feel like the Kendo Matumbo or a Rockette.

Or a Rockette. I love that shout. I have found myself hope because I try to leave people alone as much as possible, but I love helping people in grocery stores. In fact, this is a little bit embarrassing. I was at the grocery store that I know the best, the Safeway by my old apartment, just the other day. And I heard one woman ask another woman, I know you don't work here, but do you know where the hummus is? And I was in earshot. I wasn't, like, super close, though. And I might have been a little bit weird. And the younger woman said, yeah, it's kind of over in that area, kind of gestured and then moved on. And then the other woman was still there getting her milk or something. And I was in the whatever. I was in, like, kind of the bakery department. And I had gotten what I'd gotten. And I saw that she was wrapping up her dairy, you know, purchase or her dairy, picking out her dairy, whatever she needed. And I kind of yelled to her. I wasn't even that close to her. I'm just like, hey, I can lead you to the hummus. I'm going that way anyway. Follow me. And she's like, all right. And she followed me. But it was a little bit. I wondered if I was overstepping a little bit. I love helping people in grocery stores.

Right. Because then maybe she changed her mind about the hummus. Yeah. Or maybe she was going to get it at the very end. so it was spending the least time unrefrigerated.

rated but now it's like well this person's doing me a favor i've got to go with them this crazy guy who's yelling at me from across like the from a two um what do you call the sections of a grocery two sections away he's yeah hollering at me he's leaning at the side of his best friend's ride trying to get me to eat hummus all right so anyway i scrubs i do love it when somebody especially if it's an older person like yeah somebody's in a mobility scooter like can you can you reach that

top shelf i'm like god damn yes this is what i'm here for i did get i wouldn't say shot down on that the other day but it was the case that a person who was pretty elderly and and again in a kind of a wheeled device was in the bread section and she was looking up at the top shelf which there was no way she was going to be able to reach it she was kind of staring at it and i said can i get you something up there and she goes no i'm just thinking oh okay but she was but she still seems so that was that was like i you know i think i still got a little credit for being nice sure you're going to heaven you got to be really thank you you got to be careful though of course because there's also this question of like you don't want to be patronizing you don't assume anything about anybody you got to really you got to you got to really kind of pick your spot with that stuff did you say did you then say are you doing anything after this i did say i'm uh i'm uh i'm dating someone but not seriously yes did you say are those astronaut pants because well

Never mind. Let's just go back to this. All right. Here comes the list. Number five, getting everything on your list. You wrote, you took the time to write down a shopping list and you were able to find every single thing on it. That feels incredible. Great job. Totally not up to you because sometimes the store is out of something. Sometimes one of the ingredients in your recipe was outside of your budget and you had to improvise. Number four, I feel like I have

a pretty good track record of getting everything on my list for the most part. I got to admit, I go to various grocery stores now, so I'm kind of like, well, that's more of a Sprouts thing than a SARS thing or vice versa, so maybe I'm leaving some things. What about you?

Well, I think most of the time when I leave the grocery store and I couldn't find everything, it's because I didn't look in the right place. If it's something that's a little bit obscure or something, I also will have the experience where, and I can't give you a good example, but something that's a little bit more a little bit less common but like a recipe calls for it and i will go to the area that it should be and i'll stand there and i'll look and it's always when i go like okay well they just don't flip and have it thanks safeway and long view and then i look my eyes move over like seven inches like oh no it's actually right there actually there's

substantial actually there's four different versions of this there's too much i'm overwhelmed

it's all like whenever like whenever i go like well i guess they just don't have it here because it's ethnic, then it's like, oh, no, you guys have every kind of hominy I might need for making this pozole or whatever.

I had a really tough time. In fact, I totally failed at finding a specific kind of curry called Madras Curry. And I went to four different stores, including Sars, which has all kinds of spices from around the world and everything. And I think it might just be, because it was a New York Times recipe, and I did find something called like strong curry or something i was and i'm like googling like it's strong and i ended up just using regular curry maybe throwing a little bit extra in there i think that the new york times is just being a little bit fancy but anyway number five uh officially on ben's list is getting

everything on your list now number four improvise number four is not getting anything that wasn't on your list you resisted temptation you walked away from the sugar cereal right something was being promoted into your face that you don't need and you decided not to get it anyway dave ramsey

don't got nothing on you now that is not something that i've ever even thought about before what about you like do you ever feel guilty for buying things that weren't on your list that does that doesn't seem like a negative to me that seems like a positive it's like oh i didn't even think of

this thing well i have a problem in that i don't have a good catalog it's getting better as i have you know it's funny i was gonna say this year as i've been embarking on my project it's like bro this is the last day of this year so in 2025 I really did endeavor to cook at home more and to try to use up the items in my refrigerator instead of just letting them rot and then get thrown out so like just going not like what sounds delicious to me today but hey looking at what I have what can I make with this and from doing that I have like a better mental inventory of what's in there but still like I told you about hearts of palm how I have probably more cans of hearts of palm than anyone else in America because i'll be at the store and i'll be in that part of the store where like the olives and things are and i'll see hearts of palm and think oh i could probably use that even though i've got 30 cans same thing with romaine lettuce i've been on a serious romaine hearts of romaine kick like i've realized that that's the only lettuce that i need i like it in salad i'll put it on a like a um like a sandwich you know like i can i i find romaine lettuce like hearts of romaine lettuce romaine lettuce to just be the perfect lettuce for me but it also goes bad sort of quickly so like i'll like

In fact, before we started recording today, I was at the grocery store. And what did I do? I grabbed a new thing of hearts of romaine, even though that wasn't what I went to the store for. And when I came home, I looked at my crisper. Guess what I had? Two entire hearts of romaine still in rotation. So to Ben's point, not bringing home excess or superfluous stuff is somewhat of an accomplishment.

Yeah, that is a good point. That is a real fail on my part. I guess Ben kind of saying like, hey, you saw something that like kind of sparks delight. And I and I'm sort of like, I don't I guess I don't have that a lot. Like, I guess I guess here's the thing. I'm not disciplined when I'm at home and it's late at night and I'm looking at cookies. Like we had a bunch of holiday cookies here the past couple of weeks. And like I lose all self-control by the time the clock hits like 11 or 1130. But when I'm grocery shopping, I can easily walk down the cookie aisle and not be tempted because I'm I'm hardened in the light of day. You know what I mean? I'm like, no, I'm not going to bring that into my house. So I don't think I fall too much for those sorts of marketing traps of things that I'll regret later. However, that thing you described is real. Like sometimes I think I'm outsmarting myself a little bit because cupboard space is at such a premium in our house. It's so terrible. There's just so much stuff. I have to take out half of a shelf of goods to get to something that's in the back, and it just drives me benonkers. And so the other day I was like, I didn't have it on the list, but I know I need this mustard because the other one's getting low. I thought I was really smart, but the thing is I had been smart the last time I'd gone to the store, so then I had a little bit of that mustard in the fridge and then two brand new ones in the cupboard. Do you know how much toasted sesame oil I have? Oh, toasted, too. That's specific, yeah.

Oh, have you used that in, like, Asian dishes, toasted sesame oil?

I have, but I usually—I use a lot of regular sesame oil because I'm usually making, you know, like stir fries and fried rice and stuff.

Uh-huh. I think I must have had a recipe that called specifically for toasted, and so I bought that. It tastes amazing in things, and so then I—but also, you know, the jars are fairly small, and so I thought it was a kind of thing—like, this is also what happens to me. Like, I put it in something, and the thing that I made, like a stir-fry, was really tasty. So then I'm like, well, I've got to make sure I never run out of toasted sesame oil again for the rest of my life. So I started buying it every time I was—I've got, like, six bottles of—I will never get through all the toasted sesame oil.

Oh, that's funny. Yeah. I do like regular sesame oil, and then I do know that those toasted ones—in fact, I mean, this is so boring, but it's like I know my grocery store so well. The QFC on Holman Road doesn't have regular sesame oil. It only has toasted, and it ticks me off, so I have to go somewhere else for regular sesame oil.

Is that just a flavoring they're putting in? It's just flavored sesame oil, right? It's got a toasty flavor to it.

I don't think it's just a flavoring. I would guess that it comes from—I don't know, but I would assume because— The toasted region of sesame? Well, I cook with sesame seeds sometimes, too, and sometimes they call for you to toast the sesame seeds, which would be to kind of saute them very briefly, right, just to toast the seeds. So I'm guessing it brings out more flavor. Are you looking this up? It looks like you're tapping away.

Well, I'm just looking at what sesame seeds, even. I don't think I've ever cooked with sesame seeds.

Oh, sure. I put them in marinades and stuff all the time. Wow. See, you are. This is the thing.

We've got to get to this list, the rest of this list. But this is what I'm saying, Andrew. You don't give yourself enough credit as a cook. Because you do a lot of—I think you're very—it sounds like you're very good at flavor building. And I'm over here talking about how I'm cooking at home, but I'm just boiling up some veggies and rice and broth broth and calling it a soup. You're over there toasting sesame seeds for marinade. Well, I throw them

in a marinade. I don't know if I've toasted them for a marinade. I don't know. I disagree. I feel like maybe you and I are both in very similar situations where we're both kind of uncomfortable with our history in the kitchen. We're learning at a pretty later age how to get around a kitchen, and we both think that the other one is better at it than they are, probably. I will say that yours definitely looks nicer. I'm not using... We have a couple of Les Crusades, But you sent me a photo the other day of you cooking in a very clean looking environment while I've got everything like balanced on this tiny little shelf next to the stove and everything's always falling off of it. And it always feels like I'm cramped in my kitchen. All right. Back to Ben.

OK. Number three is a combination. It's both four and five. You didn't get anything that wasn't on your list. You got everything that you were supposed to at the same time. It's not quite a hat trick, but I can't find another sports metaphor. but it is deceptively difficult to do both of those things at the same time number two is probably the one that most people listening are are trying to hear they were thinking about this first stop okay you are finished with your grocery shopping you are heading back to your car you are in the parking lot you look around no one is there you put both feet on the little bar under a shopping cart, and you just absolutely cruise down that parking lot lane as close as you can.

close to your car as you can get without crashing into anybody else's the wind is in your hair and you have not a care in the world you are one of god's precious children you know who did that

recently luke huh my family my dad we are going into bob walsh yes 81 years old uh we are going into a costco when i was visiting him in ohio a couple of months ago or whenever that was and he parks far away from the door we were talking about this recently on TVTL he doesn't need to get a closed parking spot and he also wants to get no door dings no door dings kind of guy so we were walking in across this big parking lot and he said I shouldn't do this and I shouldn't tell you this but the other day I was leaving and there were no cars around and I had my cart and I was right here but walking the opposite direction and I just did it, I put my foot on it And I just cruised to my car. And I'm just like, you've got to be. I'm like, I'm scared after I fell and broke my finger. I'm like always so scared of breaking something. I both love it, but also like, let's be careful here.

81-year-old Bob Walsh.

Just cruising. Yeah, no, my dad is in good shape.

I thought that where I thought he was going with this was you're all done with your grocery shopping. It's all bagged up. And as you're walking out, you get a wild hair and you saunter over to the deli. and you just buy a little one thing of walk-in food, maybe a flauta, a little chicken taquito type of thing, a jojo. Sometimes I'll get, like, a dollar's worth of jojos, which is basically, like, three, maybe.

Yeah, those are those big, thick fry kind of things.

Yeah, but they put them in that little plastic bag, which immediately starts sweating on the inside because of the, I don't know, the condensation. But like a little savory treat from the deli after you've done your grocery shopping.

I love that. That is interesting. I've never done that before because you can pay for it at its own special place or it's the last thing that you buy.

You know, that's sort of hit and miss. I mean, I think depending on the particular layout of the store, some of them, the deli had their own register there. And in fact, what you could do is if the lines were crazy long at the real registers and you just had like two things, You could go to the deli and go, like, can I just ring up here? And they might let you. Now, I don't know if they do that as much. So you might have to still go back through a line, which that kind of cuts into the fun of it. But just, like, I don't eat, like, I don't, I'm not the kind of person who would go probably order my whole dinner. And by the way, this is no judgment. But I just don't, I don't utilize the, like, Safeway deli a ton. But that's why it's such a little treat when I get me some JoJo's or some other little, some little fried something or other out of there.

And you're eating it in the car or on the way to the car. Like, it's not for a home. Oh, on the way to the car.

Those JoJo's are not even making it to the vehicle.

See, what I'll do sometimes is I'll go into the little area and I'll buy like maybe three or five of little Jack Daniels and I'll drink those little mini bottles. Three or four or five or six. Maybe five or six. No, I'm just joking about that, obviously. But no, I don't have the equivalent. I mean, the closest thing is, and this is such a weird thing to be a treat, but like I have this weird weakness for sesame noodles. And I've never made them at home before. And I'm sure I could, speaking of the type of stuff I like to make. But they just have those in the little deli section in like a little tub. But I'm not eating that in the car, though. It's just like a kind of a last minute like, I shouldn't. But okay, I'm going to take this home and just like kind of stand over the sink and eat it as soon as I get home while I'm unpacking the groceries. That's the closest thing I think I have to that. Anyway, okay, back to Ben.

Enjoy your life. Number one, when you're waiting in line, and in front of you, sitting in that shopping cart, is a little baby. And that little baby either smiles or waves at you or both.

There it is. That's Ben's number one. A baby making eyes at you.

Absolutely. I'm so here. I am so here for that. You know me and the babies. I love them, and I love it when they are charmed by my antics.

I and this is exactly how we know we should end the show here but I had a dream last night Luke that I was hanging out with a baby and I'm not somebody I feel like a lot of my dream tropes are well tread in my brain like a lot of the same things over and over packing up traveling all these like things that I fall into last night I had a couple of dreams of things that I've never dreamt about before about playing somebody my friend's band wanted me to play drums for them And I'd never played drums before, but they said, don't worry about it. It's a small gig. And then another thing was like in part of my dream, I was really hanging out with this baby and his mom was around. But somehow I was like kind of in charge and we were hanging out. And it was a big part of the dream. Me just like really broing down with this really. small child which is interesting because i'm not somebody who has like who has any interest in having children or anything like that and i'm trying to figure out i almost wonder this isn't this is insulting to human beings and children here but i wonder if that dream was more about us like getting ready to foster dogs and like being responsible for a life so wait but also you're going to start fostering dogs well veves and i are very serious about when we get back from our trip in March to start really finding the right fit.

But when you say fostering dogs, I didn't know if you were going to be taking care of dogs on a test basis, fostering them. Is that one of the things you consider? Yeah, but that's kind of the plan.

We don't know for sure, but we're probably, because we definitely don't want to adopt a dog until we see the dog actually got to kick the tires. And also, if the dog has tires, it will be interesting. It'll go fast. And racing stripes. No, but we just really want to make sure that not just that the dog that everybody says the dog is good with cats but specifically can this dog and bingo get along and we want to spend at least like a week or something and just see how because it'll take a little bit of time for interesting so like hannah my friend hannah brought over her wonderful dog lola um a while back and bingo was so curious but he was nervous though he was a little bit nervous but he also had to always be in the same room he wasn't like I'm going to go run away from this dog and hide somewhere He had to always be around Lola And Lola always wanted to look at him But there's a lot of trepidation there But after a couple of hours you could tell that they were already Sort of warming to each other Not that they didn't dislike each other But that Bingo was just very much on alert And I want to see Bingo spend You know, two, three, seven days With a dog and see if by the end Are they really bro-ing down Because we really do not want to bring a dog Into this house if it in any way Affects Bingo's experience for real like he's our guy we love him we have a great balance right now and it's our biggest fear to

kind of ruin that yeah right well if you got uh i know you're gonna adopt and not shop but if you adopted a puppy oh you don't want a puppy because you're worried about the table some people are

saying that's actually the best way to make well that's what i'm saying yeah puppy and then in my

experience because that's what happened with um rudy and olive was if you've got a puppy and a cat that it equalizes the power dynamic so then the puppy is never like, the cat's kind of the boss probably for life in that scenario

but anyway. Yeah, anyway, those are the things, I'm wondering if that's what my baby dream was about but, or, thank you Ben

that you're encouraging me to finally get back into the parenthood market. As well

you should, I'd like to be the first person

I think 50 is the perfect age for me to start having babies again I mean, especially with your lifestyle, the way you'll always be at home, like putting them first I can't have a dog, but he's going to have a human child

Yes. Is there anything that you feel was left off that list as far as your grocery store experiences are concerned?

Well, I would say when there's something that you need and it also happens to be on super sale. Oh, interesting. Yeah. You know, like that's a great feeling when, you know, you're going to buy something and it's like, guess what? These are two for one. Heck yeah. That's a more and more rare experience in this economy. But anyway, all right.

I like packing my bags up and finding that you brought in two bags, but it all fit perfectly into one. And then the real treat is I usually do self-checkout. But if there happens to be a cashier there and they compliment you on the way you packed your bags, that's the ultimate to me. That's happened to me before. Right. Yeah.

I mean, we could do a whole week of grocery store content just with you because it is such a central part of your life. It is. But we find ourselves at the end of today's episode, so we will bid you all adieu. But guess what? We'll be back here tomorrow with more imaginary radio. Hungover as all hell.

Oh, man, I'm going to party tonight, man. From our crazy partying. I finally get to drink.

Bro, I don't know if I'm going to be here tomorrow, dude.

Yeah, you got the Budweiser flu.

All right, we'll see you tomorrow, everybody. In the meantime, have a nice New Year's Eve, whatever that looks like for you. And please remember, no mountain too tall.

And good luck to all, and Happy New Year.

Power out.