Muse

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This is the Moth Radio Hour. I'm your host, Chloe Salmon. I love thinking up the themes for these episodes and finding stories that fit. But stories speak to us all differently. so why should I get to have all the fun of deciding what unites them? In this episode, you'll hear five wonderful tales. The theme? I'm staying out of it. You get to decide. What common threads do you hear? Maybe I'll tell you what my vote is at the end of the episode, and you'll have a chance to send yours into the moth. But until then, I'm all ears. Our first story comes to us from Boston, where we partner with public radio station WBUR. Here's Harold Cox, live at the Moth.

It was a brilliant idea. At least I thought so. I was going to make a time-lapse photography video of me losing weight. I knew this was the right thing to do. So every day after breakfast, I made four photographs. one facing to the front and then turned to the right and then turned to the right and then turned to the right so I now had four photographs and if you put a lot of them together you would see me turning around kind of like a rotisserie chicken so I was doing this because I had gained a lot of weight and it was necessary for me to lose some so my plan was that I was going to start drinking those god-awful green smoothies I don't know why people drink that stuff, but I was going to drink them. And then secondly, I was going to ride my exercise bicycle, which rankly I'd been using to collect all the clothes and lots of dust. And then thirdly, I was going to document this by making this photo exhibit, which would show me going around and around and around like this rotisserie chicken, and I would then be able to see myself get thinner, and I would have an Academy Award presentation. Three weeks into this project, the bicycle was horrible because the problem is you go nowhere fast and I wanted to get off of that thing. And then the green smoothies were really horrible and I thought, well, maybe I could dress it up. So what I did was I need to do something that will make this actually all right. I started making the smoothie and I put some kale and a cucumber, and then I thought, you know, I really like grapefruit. So let's put some grapefruit in there, and then I put the peel in as well. All right, here's what I would say about that. Don't do it. It's really bad. First, it looks like something you shouldn't eat, and then secondly, it was really nasty. But then I continued to make the photographs because I just wanted to, you know, I could see myself going around and around and around. And it was really nice. So let's jump forward to a time when I had to go to Chicago for a presentation. This was a very important work presentation, and I'd made this PowerPoint that would accompany my presentation. I went to Chicago, and I was in the auditorium, just me and the audiovisual guy. I gave him the PowerPoint flash drive You know where it's going He made a mistake And instead of putting up my brilliant PowerPoint I looked up and there was a picture of me

He had found one of those pictures And my arms were stretched out My legs were stretched out naked it because how else are you going to see the changes that I wanted to see in my body so I'm having a panic moment and I screamed to him and I said take that down take that down he pressed a button and I started going around

So I'm going around in the circle and there was a woman who came into the room. She screamed and she went back out. I don't know who she was. I didn't go back and check because I need to make certain that we came, you know, we took this thing down. And he wasn't moving quite fast enough. So I went over and I just yanked all of the plugs out of the thing because I needed to stop this rotisserie of shame. me. He and I could not make eye contact the whole time. I went ahead and I had my presentation. I couldn't make eye contact with anybody in the audience. And then I got out of Chicago and I have actually never been back again. So what I have learned about freedom is that freedom is really when you let go of blunders and when you let and when you learn about your last blunder. So, I'm now at a place in my life where I need to lose some weight again. I am going to drink the smoothies. I am going to ride the bicycle. I am not going to take pictures.

that was Harold Cox originally from Texas he currently lives in Massachusetts and is a university professor he loves to tell stories about the simple and goofy things that have happened in his life luckily he says his life is full of simple and goofy things as we just heard I asked Harold if he has attempted a similar kind of fitness chronicle since then. His answer? L-O-L. I will never, ever do this again. Which, fair. To see a photo of Harold, fully clothed, head over to themoth.org. Our next story was told by Dee Tsai in New York City, where WNYC is a media partner of The Moth. Here's Dee.

I grew up in China, went to college at a coastal city called Tianjin. Never heard of it? It's okay. Small town, 14 million population. I majored in pharmacy, minored in English. And when I was a senior, I was on track to come to the United States for a biochemistry PhD. A few weeks before graduation, I saw posters all over campus about an English talent competition hosted by a local TV station. Now, Tianjin TV Network is the fourth largest network in China, and being on TV has been my dream since I was a little kid. My first stage was my crib at daycare. Storytelling during nap time, captive audience. Ever since I was five, every night during National Weather Channel, I would be standing by the TV, and I would do the weather report to my entire family. I could recite all the cities. My grandpa was very proud. And this was May 2005. I was 21 years old. I knew in about three months I was going to leave my home country, join an intense research program at America's most exciting city, Dallas, Texas. And I've heard the misery of a PhD scientist's lifestyle. You spend days and nights working the lab, you're lonely, you're dedicated, and your life is a filled with failures and frustrations until that one breakthrough, if ever. So I'm staring at these posters thinking, this is my last chance becoming a TV star. So I applied. See, this English talent competition is just like America's Got Talent. Dumb it down a few notches. And it's to showcase the talent of speaking English. There were a few hundred contestants. Preliminary quarterfinals were held in classrooms and movie theaters. And we had to jump through hoops like reading Shakespeare, reading poetries, group debate, sketch comedy. I was lucky. I got through the first few rounds, and there were 12 of us in the final, and the final

took place at the TV station in the studio. There were rooms full of audience, and the competition will be broadcasted to the network, meaning whoever's watching this channel at home, they're gonna see me on their TV. I was doing fine in the final, middle of the pack, closer to the bottom. But the final program, the last section of the final, It was on improvised speech. Improvised speech, random topics on raffle tickets. I saw the other contestant got things like narrating a basketball game or giving a welcome remark to Australian ambassador. And then it was my turn and my topic was to pick a random audience member and make a marriage proposal. I was 21 years old. My real majors are romance and boys. I learned English by binge-watching Friends. Making a marriage proposal, that's the only thing I can do. So I picked a cute boy from the audience. I went down one knee, and words started to come out of my mouth. And they sounded good. And somehow in that moment, I became Monica in Friends from the night where she was in that candlelight room she was proposing to Chandler. So here I was on stage, one knee on the ground. I looked into the eyes of my future husband. All my life, I never thought I would be so lucky to fall in love with someone like you. With one glance, I see you, and only you in the crowd. I was so into it, I started crying. And that cute boy, bless his heart, he teared up too. And he said, yes. the crowd went crazy they stood up and give us a standing ovation and and I won the final what came with an award was the job offer the producer say hey you want to you want to work with us we actually starting a new show called East meets West. It's about the English culture, about Chinese culture, it's

bilingual, it's for kids like you, it's for ex-tax working China. You want to be out with us for the summer? I was beyond excited. Before I realized it, I was already out on the field with a crew conducting interviews. And I noticed there were no makeup artists no teleprompters and absolutely no assistants and yes it was a 9 to 5 job 5 a.m. to 9 p.m. and on most days I ate breakfast lunch and dinner in the van just stuffing food in my mouth while going through scripts with a producer because because we were a small show of budget was very tight we got to pack everything in it was not glamorous it was actually stressful but the work was stressful but it was very eye-opening and the people were very good people kind and wholesome I was this 21 year old kid, but everybody took good care of me. They taught me so much, not just about TV production, but also about work ethics and sacrifices. End of that summer, the TV station offered me to stay for full time. That was a bittersweet moment. TV hosting was really fun and I love the people, but I've got other plans. I'm putting so much effort preparing for the PhD. I just can't let it go wasted. Yes, I wanted to have it all in life, but sometimes you have to

make hard decisions. So, no, I did not become the Oprah of China. But I did get people to call me Dr. D for the rest of my life. Thank you.

D. Tsai is an investment professional by day, a stand-up comedian by night, and a sailboat skipper, if the wind on the Hudson is good. Whether it's for stand-up or storytelling, Dee brings her unique perspectives as an immigrant, a woman, and a badass. Besides the epic proposal that clinched her the win, Dee's favorite part of the competition was group sketch comedy. Her character died in the sketch, but ever the performer, she insisted on being given a set of angel wings so that she could still take center stage. All right, now that we're two stories in, do you have an idea for a theme that unites them? Well, you've got time because we've got more to go. In a moment, a granddaughter and grandfather learn to love themselves and a tennis doubles match heats up when the Moth Radio Hour continues.

The Moth Radio Hour is produced by Atlantic Public Media in Woods Hole, Massachusetts.

Today's episode is brought to you by Alma. Therapy has been valuable for me, but getting started isn't exactly easy. The hardest part wasn't deciding to go, it was figuring out where to even begin. I remember scrolling endlessly, not knowing who took my insurance, wondering if I'd connect with the person on the other side. It just felt like a lot. That's why Alma really stands out to me. They make it simple to find a therapist who actually fits your needs. Their directory includes over 26,000 therapists nationwide, and you can filter by things like insurance, identity, and therapeutic approach. And 98% of their therapists accept insurance, which makes a big difference. Clients with insurance pay $20 on average, though it depends on your plan, and you can even use their free cost estimator to know what you'll pay up front. Most people find their match on the first try and 95% connect with a therapist within a week. It just removes so much of that initial friction. Get started now at helloalma.com slash moth. That's helloalma.com slash M-O-T-H. Let me ask you something. When was the last time you felt genuinely confident about your health? Not just like, I think I'm doing okay, but really solid. Like you've got a handle on things. For me, a big part of that comes down to staying on top of my oral health. I tend to put off visits to the dentist, but promised myself recently that I'm going to make them a priority. I know that once I actually go in and get back on track, it'll change how I show up. And it'll be easier to keep it up. Because confidence isn't about being perfect, it's about momentum. It's about taking that step and knowing your health isn't holding you back. And something that really surprised me, the connection between your mouth and your whole body. Smile Generation talks a lot about this, how oral health can impact everything from your heart to your brain, even long-term conditions. It made me realize that taking care of my smile isn't separate. It's part of taking care of everything. To learn more about the connection between oral health and overall health, visit smilegeneration.com slash moth. That's smilegeneration.com slash moth to learn more about the mouth-body connection and find a trusted provider near you. This is the Moth Radio Hour. I'm Chloe Salmon. The theme of this episode is up to you. Two stories down, three to go. Do you have a top contender for a common thread? Let's see if it holds up. I'm rooting for you. Our next story is told by Mercedes Hesselroth, who shared it at a showcase in New York City for our Community Engagement Program, which works with community organizations to help their members workshop and tell stories. Here's Mercedes, live at the mall.

My tata had a reputation as a jokester. When I think of him, the first thing I remember is the twinkle in his eye. He regularly pulled pranks at his office and had a gregarious personality that couldn't be more different than mine. When he was growing up, the people in Cusco called him the boy who laughs, whereas I was chronically shy as a child, quiet, reserved. When I was seven years old, my mother gifted me a bookmark with...

Ten Ways to Develop Self-Esteem because I had never developed the confidence that I sensed in my peers. I treated myself unkindly and didn't believe that I held any inherent value, so I chased gold stars and titles and achievements in order to search for external validation. but I never had to do anything to prove my value to my tata. He would lift me in the air and tell me I could be president of the United States if I wanted to. In 2019, my abuela, who we call la mama, unexpectedly passed away and my whole family was all hands on deck in Peru to be with her when she died, and to manage logistics, and to take care of my tata. They had been together for 72 years, and his whole world changed overnight. He didn't want to come back with us to the U.S. He was very patriotic and wanted to stay in Peru. He would rather be in charge of his own household than feel like a burden in somebody else's. We, of course, told him that loving him was not a burden, but he didn't believe us. After lots of disagreement, he reluctantly agreed to come back with us to America and stay with my aunt and uncle, even though he didn't speak English and didn't know anybody in the country except for our family. If their places had been reversed, my mom says that la mama would have had her bags packed before we could even ask her. I remember her as independent and courageous, always going on adventures. In many ways, she was also the opposite of me. To this day, I wonder how I can come from people so strong and feel so small. But I could tell that in this situation, my tata needed more love and support than La Mama would have in order to keep going. On March 12, 2020, I boarded a plane to Texas, and while I was getting on the flight, New York City shut down. What was supposed to be a week-long visit for my tata's 98th birthday turned into a surprise six weeks as air travel stopped and the world shifted under the pandemic. All the gold stars that I had been chasing, like academics and internships and job opportunities, disappeared overnight. My aunt was an essential worker and my uncle was trapped in Peru, unable to get a flight back home during the lockdown.

So I became my tata's primary caregiver and companion during this time. I would administer his medicine, remind him to wash his hands and translate the news from the outside world I was laser focused on him I would hug him and whisper these affirmations in his ear that he never believed I would say, Tata, eres precioso

Gracias, hija, por tus ojos que me ven así

Thank you for your eyes that view me this way. He felt like it was just my opinion.

Tata, eres mi persona favorita en todo el mundo. Tú también. Tata, eres lindo, eres hermoso, eres bonito. He'd say, bonito es un pescadito.

And it's true. Bonito is the word for pretty and for a type of fish. but I just wanted him to accept my love and accept the compliment. So one day I fired back, well, if you're a fish, then I'm a cow. And it wasn't the first time that I had called myself that. It was just one of many names and insults that I played on the tape in my head over and over in this swirl of negative self-talk. But it was the first time that I had said that out loud. and of course my that those hearing aids weren't working as usual so he said what did you say say it again I'm a cow he still couldn't hear me again I leaned in closer I'm a cow I'm a cow I had to say it louder and louder each time and feel it sink in deeper and deeper each time and it didn't

feel good to breathe life into those kinds of words. When Tata finally heard what I said, he replied, oh, of course that's not true. But that bad feeling stayed with me. And Tata had lots of bad feelings of his own. His hearing aids constantly broke. His eye medicine wouldn't always help his vision correctly. His legs were swollen and he was in lots of pain and had lots of memories. And one day he was far from the smiling man I knew. And he said, Los viejitos no valen nada. Rapidito se van a la tumba. And he was saying that it wasn't worth it to be alive at his age. And he wished that he would just hurry up and die. And so I call my mom crying about what my tata has said. And instead of commiserating with me or comforting me, she goes well now you know how I feel because my whole life she has heard me call myself things like ugly stupid and this moment was like a mirror where I could see that I just wanted my tata to feel loved I wanted him to know that his life had value and I wanted my love to keep him alive. And it was hard to believe it, but other people like my mom also wanted the same thing for me. In April, when flights came back, I hugged my Tata goodbye for what I didn't know would be the last time. I held his hand and told him every affirmation I could think of at once. Dios, te quiero mucho. Eres mi héroe. And he squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head like he couldn't carry all that love inside him. And so in this process of caring for my tata toward the end of his life, I learned that you have to be able to accept love from others, but along with that, you also have to accept love from yourself. This process is still ongoing for me It's a work in progress And some days are better than others But I hope that Tata is dancing with La Mama again And that he finally now knows How much we all love him

That was Mercedes Hessleroth She is a Peruvian-American writer based in New York. Like I mentioned, Mercedes came to the MA through a workshop with our community engagement program. This one was with All Go First, a nonprofit that uses the power of storytelling and advocacy to foster resilience and promote healing for people affected by trauma around the world. Looking back, Mercedes is grateful for the time she got to spend with her tata at the end of his life. In the uncertainty of COVID, she was thankful to be able to just be present with him, to sit with him, and to hug him. To see a photo of Mercedes and her tata, head over to themoth.org. Have you come up with a theme, or themes for you overachievers, for this hour yet? Let's see if it applies to our next story, which was told by Tim Lopez at a Story Slam, also in New York City, where WNYC is a media partner of The Moth. Here's Tim.

all right so it was my freshman year of college and i was standing on center court at ucla's fabled arthur ash tennis center where every year the top pros would come and play in the mercedes-benz invitational in front of thousands of fans but in that moment the stadium was empty except for me and my friends Lance, Paul, and Evan. And that night, we took part in what has to be the most amazing, greatest, two-on-two doubles amateur tennis game of all time. Now, the teams were chosen at random. It was Lance and Paul versus me and Evan. And this was problematic for a couple of reasons. One was that Evan and I hated each other. We were frenemies before the term even existed. And this was because we were kind of cut from the same cloth, as it were. We're both garrulous, borderline emotionally unstable people who love being the center of attention. And when we all got together, we both thought we were the smartest, funniest person in the room. And we would get into these fights about seemingly innocuous shit that would blow up into these terrible arguments that would never end because neither one of us would ever back down. So the second reason was kind of more of a tactical one. Even though none of the four of us had played any serious or even semi-serious tennis, you know, Lance and Paul were kind of naturally athletic guys. You know, the kind of guys that just could jump into any sport or any game at any time and make a positive contribution right away. Evan played baseball in high school, varsity baseball, where he developed a reputation as a talented player but also a complete and total head case. He was known for beating as many players as he would strike out, which in fairness was kind of a lot. So he was kind of like, you know, a lot of power but no control. And then there was me. You know, you might not think it now, but I was actually kind of a bookish kid. Divided my time fairly evenly between the library and various board game tournaments. In junior high, when everybody started playing basketball, I wanted to play basketball too. I started to feel left out. So I went to the library, and I checked out a book entitled How to Play Basketball. So I was that kid. And so, yeah, exactly. I wasn't exactly very athletically inclined. So it was a bit of a mismatch on paper, and as we started to play, the game unfolded, it kind of went that direction. They dispatched us handily in the first set, six games to two, and even easier in the second set, six games to one. And it kind of got to the point where they were like, hey, are you sure you guys don't want to switch teams and make it more fair? And we were like, no. And they promptly went out in the third set to a five games to zero lead. Now, at that point, Evan and I were in total meltdown mode. We were screaming at each other. We were hurling obscenities, often while the ball was in play. After missed points or, you know, unforced errors,

we would berate each other on our shortcomings as both tennis partners and as human beings. And the whole thing was just kind of unraveling very rapidly. And I think that they felt bad for us because they kind of took their feet off the gas a little bit and it allowed us to kind of claw back into the game. So, you know, we won one game and then two and then three. And then before you knew it, it was five to five. And at that point, I know they weren't taking their foot off the gas anymore because I saw Lance look over to Paul, and he will deny this to this day, but he said, it's time to get down to business. And they touched rackets, kind of like, yeah, let's do this. But Evan and I were kind of dialed in, and we kind of figured something out, even though we weren't really conscious of it. And at this point, the thing that had driven us apart, which was our respective refusal to back down, was actually pointed in the same direction. So we ended up winning that set and staving off elimination, seven to five. Now, in the pivotal fourth set, something magical started to happen. Evan and I started to cooperate. And so, you know, he was playing in the front and I was playing in the back, which is, of course, the way you're supposed to play doubles tennis. But what was even more astonishing was what was happening between us personally. We stopped communicating verbally. We actually stopped talking. And what we did was we started communicating more kinesthetically, more with gestures and facial expressions and body language, and to this day, Lance and Paul say it's the longest time they've ever seen either one of us not say a word, and so we ended up winning the fourth set, again, by the score of seven games to five. Now, the fifth set was, and I do not use this term lightly, amazeballs. We, and after a long, intense battle, we found ourselves a game, we had match point, and it was their serve and lance southpaw served screaming rocket right to my side of the court i returned it paul wiley as he was went over and got it hit another shot right at evan who was waiting at the net sliced the volley down over forcing lance out to his right he was able to pop it up terrible lob evan camped under it was waiting for it and just smoked this shot right down the center of the court but paul again wiley was waiting for it and returned it to my side of court but i was waiting for that i waited held back on it hit a screaming liner right down the sideline winner game set match it was like a dam of emotion a burst we immediately started screaming yelling we ran to each other we hugged we did this dance it was totally spontaneous it seemed choreographed but like so wasn't and basically carried each other off the court into glory and looking back on it now you know i can see this is a turning point in our in our friendship and our relationship because shortly after that game within a matter of months we became inseparable and we end up to this day he's one of my best friends of all time and I know that it was because of that day when we realized that the only thing we hated more than each other was losing. So thank you very much.

Tim Lopez is a storyteller, national park ranger, and Jeopardy champion based in Southern California. He says he's an extremely amateur athlete, and he approaches competition with the same energy he brings to all of life's pursuits. Enthusiastic, if not always graceful. Tim says he's cooled it with the competitiveness as he's gotten older. But he also wants to get into pickleball, so maybe we wait and see if that cutthroat spirit rears its head again. And since he and Evan are still very good friends over a decade later, it could be an opportunity for them to teen up once again and relive that tennis glory. All right, folks, one story left, and then it's time to decide, what's your theme for this episode? In a moment, a story that takes us from Iowa to Cameroon, when the Moth Radio Hour continues. I moved to a new apartment recently, which means I have an excuse to add some fresh decor to my setup. Next stop, Wayfair. I love that they have everything in one place without sacrificing the ability to have lots of options, something that is very important to me. I've gotten living room furniture, lighting, fans, bedding, and more. I finally got a full-length mirror, something I've been wanting for years, and it fits perfectly in my space. And it was pretty easy to find as well. I was able to use Wayfair's filters to select exactly what I wanted, and the shipping was fast and easy. I always tell my friends to check Wayfair first anytime they're looking for a decor edition that fits their style. There's so much to choose from. They'll definitely find something they love, no matter their budget. I tell them, and I'll tell you, go to Wayfair. They have what you want. Ready to upgrade your home for way less? Head to wayfair.com right now to shop all things home and get your space ready for less. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R.com.

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midlife. Joy isn't the reward you earn after all the work is done. Joy is the work. That's what this new series on For the Love is all about. The sacred yes. It's choosing delight, rest, and pleasure on purpose. Because saying yes to yourself, that's the thing that finally lets you fill your table with everybody else. Come find your sacred yes with me. Follow and listen to For the Love, wherever you get your podcasts.

This is the Moth Radio Hour. I'm Chloe Salmon. In this episode, I'm challenging you to come up with your own theme that connects these stories. So far, we've heard about a humiliating tech malfunction, a Chinese reality TV competition, a grandfather, and a tennis match for the ages. They've taken us to very different places, but I bet you found something that they all have in common. Our final storyteller takes us across the globe to Cameroon. Akwi Inji told it at a main stage in New York City where we partnered with Greenwood Cemetery. Here she is, live at the Moth.

Dad died unexpectedly of cancer in the summer of 2021. My seven siblings and I were living all over the world at the time, And we found ourselves scrambling in two fast-paced warp speed weeks to apply for emergency visas, book flights, hope the visas were approved in time, begin funeral planning from afar, and then prepare for takeoff to Cameroon, where we were all from. Everything happened so suddenly that I didn't really have a chance to process what had happened until I was packing my luggage for the trip. It was July, and I thought about mom and dad. They met in 1978 when they were both going to school in Iowa. They got married, they had me, dad got his PhD, and then we high-tailed it to Cameroon where dad was from. And where he was actually quite powerful because of the political work that he did, he was a voice of authority that people not only in the country but in different parts of the world respected and also adored. So I lived with dad in Cameroon until I was about eight years old, and then my mom and I moved back here to the States. Dad stayed there. And as I was growing up,

up, Dad and I worked together on trying to maintain a transatlantic relationship, but we disagreed on just about everything. And so by the time I was a sophomore in college, Dad wanted me to be an attorney. I wanted to be an artist. We couldn't see eye to eye. We had an argument about it. We stopped talking to each other. And then years of silence went by. By the time he passed away, he and I hadn't spoken to each other in more than 20 years. And I was thinking about that with so much remorse and regret as I was packing. I stacked a set of t-shirts into the suitcase. I stuffed a set of tennis shoes there. I rolled up a pair of socks and stuffed those into a pair of hiking boots. And those hiking boots were brown Timberlands of the 1990s. I'd taken them with me on every solo hiking trip I'd been on throughout my entire adulthood. They'd taken me through Mexico, Sedona, Hawaii, all of the rocky patches in life, literally and figuratively. And as I was packing them, my memory was jogged. I realized that I purchased those boots the exact year that dad and I had stopped talking to each other. And I bought them because they reminded me of a pair of boots dad had owned when I lived with him in Cameroon. His were the vintage suede brown hiking boots with the red shoelaces, I bought mine because even though he and I had stopped talking to each other, I wanted something that would make me feel close to him, remind me that he was still in my life. So I put those in the suitcase, I zipped it up, and then I flew Cedar Rapids, Chicago, D.C., Brussels, Yaoundé, Douala. I arrived in the airport in Douala, and my oldest brother, Gert, was there to welcome me there. And we stacked my suitcases into the back of a 1980s Toyota Highlander. Now, it seems like everybody in Cameroon has some sort of beat-up vintage SUV because the terrain in Cameroon is really rugged, and it's even mountainous in some regions. Everybody in Cameroon also knows that at that time, it was really dangerous to travel throughout the country due to political unrest and rebel groups that had emerged throughout the country. But despite all of that, Gert and I had no problems getting from the airport to the family family home in Chiang. It was a six-hour drive. When we arrived in Chiang, I was ushered through the gates that were my father's, through the kitchen that was my father's, and into the living room that was my father's. They'd set up an altar for him. There were candles. There was a Bible. And above all of that, there was a framed portrait of dad, larger than life, just as he would have wanted. There were the twinkling eyes of my childhood, that compassionate and warm smile. This was the man that everyone loved. Word quickly spread that all of Jaga Engie's children had

arrived, and so guests streamed in from all over the country to offer their condolences in person, and they brought with them huge thermoses of food. The home was filled with warmth and the aroma of fried plantains, groundnut soup, cocoa yams, fufu, and chinchin. It was also filled with laughter. It was a strange combination of grief and joyful reunion. In the weeks that followed, I spent my days working with my siblings to plan for dad's many celebrations of life and the funeral and burial that would eventually take place in a little tiny village called Tugi. And Tugi is where dad was born. For Cameroonians, it's important that you're buried where you're born. It's a matter of being connected to your ancestry, your lineage, the earth. And most importantly, it's a matter of eternal peace. It's your best chance at eternal peace. And during the nights, I spent my time bonding with my siblings over board games and movies and karaoke to, of all things, the sound of music. Yeah, yeah. There is video evidence of us dough-adhering our way into the night. And then some nights, I chose to just walk around through my dad's massive property alone, room to room, trying to better understand who this man was through the things that he had left behind. One night I locked myself into his office. That's where he spent most of his time and it was a huge office. On one of the walls in the office it was just nothing but photos. Family photos from when I was a kid and one of the photos was of him and my mom on their wedding day and she's in her light yellow dress and he's in his Cameroonian attire and they're smiling and they're happy. And then all of the other photos were from our first family portrait session together. And above all of those photos, He had titled this gallery, The Glorious Past. I just sat on the floor and I sobbed. And I poured myself glass after glass after glass of wine. As I looked through all of these photos and photo albums and read the letters that he had left behind, there was evidence all around me that he had loved me. and I was experiencing such a moment of yearning and learning all at once and then came the night that we were all scheduled to depart from Chang to that family village Tugi as a caravan to bury dad and even though all the extended family around us they were hustling and bustling and already stacking suitcases in the backs of all those SUVs

my siblings and I were sort of at a standstill in the kitchen we were supposed to depart at 2 a.m. It was 11 p.m. But we had done nothing because we had not yet talked about the elephant in the room. And that was that this particular part of Cameroon that we would have to traverse was the most dangerous. And so my uncle Rambo, nicknamed Rambo for reasons you can imagine, and my brother Gert, they called a sibling meeting. And we all huddled together around the kitchen table. And Uncle Rambo is also the resident expert of the rebel groups. And he says we need to understand the real danger. They don't just kidnap and hold for ransom. They rape. They murder. The danger is real. It is not myth. It is not hearsay. And we needed to be prepared for that. And then he also reminds us that because we are all siblings together and we are children of a very high-profile person, we are making a large and lucrative target. And we are making a target potentially of the entire caravan. And most importantly, we are potentially compromising the possibility of getting dad all the way to Tugi for his burial. This was a lot. I understood what Gert and Rambo were saying. we each had a decision to make. So Gert looked at me, and he asked if I was willing to make that trek. And I thought about my dad. I'd hoped that I could be at least with him through this part, the very end, in ways that I had not been with him throughout his life. And I thought about the fact that this is exactly the part of the journey that I had packed my hiking boots for. But I also thought about my own kids, and I wanted to make it home safely to them. And so I shook my head, no, I couldn't risk it. And the rest of my siblings, they followed suit, and I felt both relief and guilt. But then the next few minutes were very hurried minutes of people who were now able to take the places that were supposed to have been ours. and also what happened is those items that we had each packed for this part of the journey we were suddenly handing off to the people who were now taking our places and it's important for you to know that in Cameroon when you loan somebody something like somebody says hey do you have a t-shirt I can borrow and you say yes but you know you're not getting that t-shirt back it's just a culture of giving and everyone's okay with that so my sister gifted uncle Rambo the machetes that she'd packed in her checked luggage. My brother gifted a cousin a sweater.

And then my Auntie Helen, it was determined that she needed a more appropriate set of footwear than the flip-flops that she was wearing. And so she asked if she could use the tennis shoes that I had at the front door. And I said, absolutely. And she tried the tennis shoes on and they were too tight. And so she looked at me and she said, do you have anything else that I could try? I thought about those hiking boots I had not been ready to give them up certainly not permanently but I looked at her and I said absolutely I have something else that you can try and I walked back to the back of the house to the bedroom and I fished the boots out of my luggage and as I walked back to the kitchen I crossed my fingers and I hoped that they didn't fit her I handed the boots to Auntie Helen she tried them on she smiled they fit these were good boots y'all she could feel it we hugged and she joined the caravan wearing my boots and then the next couple of minutes were hurried goodbyes that I was saying to family members that I hadn't seen in decades and would maybe never see again now those of us who stayed behind we went

Thank you.

to bed, but I couldn't fall asleep. I was thinking about those boots, how they'd gotten me through so much in life, all of those rocky patches. And I realized actually all of those rocky patches in life were the kinds of experiences that other people who knew dad would have called on him for support through. And I hadn't done that. And that made me realize that actually those boots were precisely the thing that I was supposed to send to take dad to Tugi. So in the following hours, we received updates about the caravan. They'd made it to the halfway point. And then a few hours later, we received another update. They did see the rebel groups along the way, so we had absolutely made the right decision, and I felt better about that. And then eventually, they actually hit their own rocky patch, which was a mudslide. And the SUVs got caught in the mud, and we received a photo of family members pushing the SUVs out of the mud. And in that photo, there was my Auntie Helen, and on her feet were the boots. And then the following day, we received video footage. They'd made it successfully to Tuggy. And in that video, there were hundreds of villagers dancing and singing, is celebrating dad's return home. And there were the colors of Cameroon. There was the reds and the greens and the yellows. And there was a grandmother that I'd never met. And there was Uncle Rambo. And there was Auntie Helen. And on her feet were the boots that had made their way home to bury a father. Thank you.

That was Akwi Engie. She's an artist who lives at the intersection of communication and creativity. She most recently led communications for public school districts in Iowa before focusing on art full-time through Akwi Engie Design Studio, where she creates abstract paintings inspired by nature. I asked Akwi what her favorite thing about her dad was. She said it was his unwavering desire to see others thrive. And his smile. He had an amazing smile that truly made his eyes sparkle. If you'd like to see that smile, you can head over to themoth.org to take a look at some photos of Akwi and her father, Ajaga Inji. All right, everyone. I am so curious to know what theme you settled on after hearing the stories. I bet it's just perfect. Just so you don't think that I'm shirking my responsibilities as a Radio Hour host, I did come up with a couple of contenders myself. Reckonings and self-image. Did we match up? Let us know if so, and what your own theme was if not, by hitting us up on social media, at Moth Stories. That's it for this episode. Thank you to our storytellers for sharing with us, and to you for listening and theming. We hope you'll join us next time.

This episode of The Moth Radio Hour was produced by me, Jay Allison, and Chloe Salmon, who also hosted and directed the stories in the show, along with Michelle Jalowski. Co-producer is Vicki Merrick, associate producer Emily Couch. Additional community engagement program coaching by Tishel Gabriel, Juan Rodriguez, and Devin Sandiford. The Moth's leadership team includes Sarah Haberman, Christina Norman, Sarah Austin Janess, Jennifer Hickson, Jordan Cardinale, Kate Tellers, Marina Cluche, Suzanne Rust, Sarah Jane Johnson, and Patricia Ureña. Moth stories are true as remembered and affirmed by the storytellers. Our theme music is by The Drift. Other music in this hour is from Epidemic Sound and Blue Dot Sessions. The Moth Radio Hour is produced by Atlantic Public Media in Woods Hole, Massachusetts. Special thanks to our friends at Odyssey, including executive producer Leah Reese Dennis. For more about our podcast, for information on pitching us your own story, and to learn all about the moth, go to our website, themoth.org.

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