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Investing involves risk, including risk of loss. Fidelity Brokerage Services, LLC, member NYSE SIPC. well hello folks and welcome to another edition of the firmamental podcast with your boys adrian and raul adrian go ahead and say what's up to the firmamentalist what's up y'all hope

y'all locked in ready to go you know how we do it let's go yeah uh so before we get into it today

i just want to remind you guys make sure that you are rating the show if you don't know how to do that you got to listen to an episode and then you hit the follow button you hit the little bell and there will be three little dots next to it you click on that it'll give you an option to give this show a rating i asked for five stars but if you feel we're not worth five stars put out whatever you feel but uh make sure you do that it helps build the numbers helps get us back into the stream if you like an episode or you're touched by an episode make sure you share it with a loved one a friend a co-worker uh put it out there uh let's get this message out to people and let's glorify our Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ. I wanted to give a shout out to my boy, Scipio Eruditis. I know he's been on. I have a returning guest today that I can't wait to introduce you guys. But I know this individual, Scipio, he's been on our guest show as well. And I got my signed copy of his new book, The Empire of Lies. So go check out Scipio Eruditis from Dispatches from Reality. That's my boy right there. Awesome book. Thank you, man. Thank you for the signed copy much love brother um also i think that's pretty much it man i just wanted to remind you guys man we need you guys to bump these numbers back up doing this stuff with uh no social media promotion right now just trusting god to grow the harvest but uh adrian you got anything else you want to add before i get into today's special guest no no i think we're good i mean i'm

just excited for another episode we've been uh hammering them away and uh you know i was gonna my son got a fever last night and then things been kind of crazy around here and i was like i don't know man but uh it's like keep the momentum going uh we're excited to have our guest here today heidi and and i think it's going to be a great one i know it will and i'm excited man i had a great church service today um son's kind of doing better he's up and down but you know kids are they're great one minute then they gas out then they gotta take a nap but uh i'm excited man so let's go lock in yeah uh i had an awesome service today as well

So kind of what inspired the opening for the show. And I'm going to open it up with a little something. I had an idea today. We're going to do something a little different. Well, not really different because we like to freestyle here on Firmamental Podcast. We like to come unscripted and just speak from the heart because I think people genuinely feel when it's the real deal. And we got a real deal host of another show today. So I was going to share something with you guys. And it's the principle of giving God your first fruit. You know, too often we give God what's left over, our leftover time, our leftover energy, our leftover resources. But the world tells us that true blessings come when we honor him with our first and best. In 2 Corinthians 9, verses 6 through 8, Paul writes, But this I say, he who sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and he who sows beautifully will also reap bountifully. So let each one give as he purposes in his heart, not grudgingly or out of necessity, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all grace abound towards you, that you always having all sufficiency in all things may have an abundance for every good work. See, that's the heart right there. When we give God our first fruits, not out of guilt, but out of gratitude, he pours back into our lives in ways we could never imagine. It's not about money alone. It's about trust and obedience and worship. So in this episode today, guys, I want to get into what it really means to give God your first and your best, and how doing so can unlock supernatural provision, peace, and purpose in your walk with Christ.

and with no further ado guys you know today on firmamental we welcome back a powerhouse of truth she's bold she's unafraid she's on fire for jesus she's breaking chains speaking truth and helping people uh rise up above the lies you guys the lies of this world she's the real deal she's raw and she's ready to rise firm family give a huge round of applause for the host of the unfiltered rise podcast the one the only Heidi love welcome back thank you so much for that awesome introduction

I appreciate you guys I'm excited to be here I love you know the ones that we do you know I have to talk about dark stuff sometimes because that's my calling but I love when it's not and I love when I get to be sharpened you know iron sharpens iron and I and it's been two days in a row for me So that's been awesome because I need that. And so I'm so happy for that. I think that's exactly what it'll be today.

Punch almost. And, you know, I have been for the first time in my life, tithing 10% of my income, not always completely to the church. Sometimes it's, you know, tithing to other podcasters that I believe in other Christian content creators. or even I've been pulling some cash. I usually don't carry cash, but lately I've been pulling cash out of the bank and carrying some cash on me. And when I feel the Holy Spirit moving me to like give to somebody and give the glory to Jesus, you know, but, you know, I set aside 10% of my income and I dedicate it towards kingdom work. And this is the first time that I've really been practicing this. And we know it's hard today. I get it, guys. It's really hard to make it in this world. And we are, they're pushing us harder and harder. You can see it coming down the pipeline, you know, this digital currency and, you know, the B system, you totally see it in the works. And everything is so expensive. It's like mom and dad have to work. Families are cohabitating with one another nowadays because the cost of living, the cost of groceries, gas, everything, supplies, whatever it is, you know, it's really put the clamps down on us. But, you know, I think that's why as a believer and walking with Christ and getting your walk right, it's about being responsible and doing what's right. And we can make excuses to whether it's our time, our energy and our finances. You know, we need to be responsible and understand we don't have anything in the first place if it's not for God's blessing. So it's really God who provides everything. And as a, as a believer, truly walking with him, I'm trying to put my faith into practice and not just talk about it, but be about it. And I've had to, to learn to cut ties with things that were holding me back. And instead of all, you know, sometimes even sacrificing to go out and eat, even though that's something enjoyable, like I can sacrifice that and eat at home, you know, because I want to make sure I'm giving to God, uh, you know, what, what he deserves, not giving him my leftovers and i really see how he's you know it's not i'm not preaching a prosperity gospel here guys this isn't prosperity gospel preaching but it is uh it's biblical truth it is biblical truth that we have to tithe uh into our walk into our church into our faith and and we need to trust that uh we're by doing so this is doing the the work of the kingdom you know and if we're just giving God our leftover time, our leftover energy, our leftover resources, you know, it's not really putting him first. So really what the practice is, is putting God first and recognizing him. And through that, like you, you begin to see the spirit flow in your life. You begin to see it come back to you, to you. Sometimes it doesn't come back in the form of a financial blessing. Sometimes it does, but it always comes back to you some way. And what I've been realizing is how much more abundantly rich my life is becoming when I started doing this. And what it says here in that

scripture that I just read is to do so with a cheerful heart, you know, because I sat in that in churches before and I've tithed, but I did it thinking like, man, I really shouldn't give this right now. You know, I can't even afford to give this. What am I doing? You know, and I don't want to do it. But when you do it from a cheerful place, trusting God and knowing that it's going to come back to you it changes the game you know what i mean so that's kind of like just what i wanted to open up with today because it's something that i've really been trying to practice in my walk and so i'll pass it back to you heidi what do you think what do you think about this giving god your best whether it's your talent your time your resources you know your money even even to your very relationships that that you're struggling with turning them over to god and saying here

lord i need help what do you think about this yeah i i think we have to put god at the forefront of everything we do. And I think a lot of people get twisted up in money. and they just think it's all about money. But here's the thing. Why can't we also, and money is good too, but notice the old people in your neighborhood and see if they need their lawn mowed or be of service. Service has always been my love language with God. And I don't know if that's because that's my calling or because I'm a nurse or maybe both. And money's good too. We always do stuff, especially around this year. It's so important. And especially with what they're doing in the government right now, which is ridiculous. But, you know, they've just cut people off and give them no outlet like that. I mean, it's insane. So I agree 100%. It has to be with a cheerful heart. You never want to go and give service like, I got to go do this thing or I got to go do that thing. And also, like you said, time like this podcast, you know, any podcast we do if it's dedicated to god like i'll make the time like even if i don't have time like it doesn't matter because that that's another way where he's told me that's my calling now that's not everybody's calling you know but that that's weirdly been mine yeah yeah no uh you know time

is time is money and taking time from your day whether it's sacrificing time from your family or doing something you want to do you know like in the past I love to sit and watch football especially on a Sunday but you know what Jesus is more important than than any game that's on the television especially now that I know that they're rigging sports and all these gambling scandals are going on I could really care less but you know I'm going to put Jesus first and foremost and if I have an opportunity to come on here for an hour and a half or two hours or however long we spend with you guys I'd rather be doing this than than wasting my time and and also I believe in what we do here and it's actually using your talents that God gave you not for yourself we're not on here on firmamental podcast to glorify ourselves it's not about Adrian it's not about Raul it's not about Heidi it's about uh building the kingdom of God and I see the harvest is ready man it's sweet like I've been out here in the world right now and uh there's a lot of things that we could focus on that are negative, but I've been finding the silver lining and things. And one thing that hard times bring is a need, right? There's a need. And I see it in people when I'm out and about, I see this need. They're hungry and they're thirsty and they're searching for something. They just don't know what it is. And if we as believers can operate as salt and light in this world and bring somebody joy, whether it's through a kind act or through a financial blessing or whatever it is and we can turn around and give the glory to Jesus we're planting seeds whether they sprout right there at that time or they sprout later on down the line for that person you know it's it's capturing that moment and being obedient to God and and acting in faith and trusting him to do the work now it's not us that saves anybody but we could be conduits of the Holy Spirit and lead people to the truth and that's what we're that's why we're taking time away today, guys, because we almost didn't do this podcast today. There's a lot of stuff going on in our personal lives, but we chose to push that to the side and trust God and spend some time with you guys to glorify Jesus here today. Adrian, brother, what's on your

mind? Oh, no, no, it's a it's always a that's a good segue as far as, you know, the giving and And I was just thinking about pastor. He always says, you got, you know, Mercedes given with Captain Crunch living. So it's because it's it's it is a mindset, you know, like Heidi said, there's things that you can do to pay it forward, to make extra income. And if you take care of, you know, folks in the community that might need help and do it for free, because you so sometimes you just got to sow time and effort and energy. and uh because you know recently i feel like you know i got down to one car and um we have picked up a car for my wife and then we got we have uh five kids and the car we have picked up was only a sedan you know a four-door sedan so it's a five-seater and uh you know i'm like man so my tahoe i work in texas and i had to you know i put a lot of miles on we drive a lot i'm a project manager so we drive a lot so we put 30 000 plus miles a year on our vehicles our personal vehicles which is okay i mean we have a gas car and it's a part of the deal so no not the end of the world but you are going to have wear and tear and the thing was is uh my transmission had went out you know we just got back from laying my brother the rest and i'm thinking like okay finally got that over with it's tough obviously and then you know that we fly

back home and on the way home transmission goes out i'm like man and uh you know but i just say

Thank you.

you know what the lord will take care of me you know we give the best we can we miss the mark at times you know because we try to obviously um you know our pastor teaches the truth you know he's like you can rob god if you want but i'd rather be blessed with 90 percent than curse with 100 percent because you know that and that's the truth and i know there's a big thing about tithing right now that some people say well that's old testament new testament i say you don't want the new testament version because jesus said to the rich young ruler yeah you did everything but go sell everything you have and give it to the poor and come follow me and then he walked away grieved because he knew that was a that was an ass that his heart wasn't ready for and the reality is is it's not a sin to have the things it's a sin for the things to have you and jesus just shined a light on him and said look man it's not about what you know yes i did the religious things right i fulfilled the law but you didn't fulfill the law of love because you can't depart from what you have and the reason why is because you don't have the faith that he would restore it greater it's like when nebuchadnezzar lost the kingdom you know and he went with the beast of the field the bible says for seven years grew hair and nails it was not a pretty sight but the bible and he went and he turned that way because he was bragging about how he did you know his kingdom was so amazing in how he built this kingdom and God said, no. And so when God took it from him and he restored him back, the Bible says that his kingdom was even greater than the first go around. And a lot of times us as believers, we just feel like if God had taken something that we're missing something. Well, the reality is a lot of times he takes things that either are stumbling block or they're hindering our affection to him and have become an idol or, you know, you can go down the list. But at the end of the day, if you don't have the faith that he will restore back greater than what you've lost, then you're, you're already doomed because you're not seeing God for who he is, you know, the one that can do the impossibilities. So, you know, the, the long story short, you know, this week, my company helped me out with a vehicle, a 2018 Ram. And I'm going to tell you right now, these kinds of deals just don't happen, you know, and it's a blessing you know and i just think that god is he knows our steps he knows what we need and you know like i said as a father of five and and obviously i'm married and you know my wife and our family and he's blessed us man and uh a lot of that has been the faithfulness over the years there's times we've given and our we had our cell phone bills were due and we decided to give and we cell phones went out um and so on and so forth and it's not because god needs our money so that's not what i'm telling you guys out here today we all know god's not broke but i just want to god to know he's got my heart and no matter what because that's the things they're going to leverage this generation with our toys even food at times you know it's like it's hard to understand why the word breakfast was made to break the fast and a lot of people don't like they don't understand that break fast

is what a breakfast is and it got it got modern it got industrialized and it got coined and it became a tool to sell items in the morning that are high carbohydrates, high sugar to make you actually hungry for lunch. That's a whole nother topic for another day. But, you know, God is good. And just wanted to say, you know, because I think God is really touching you right now, Roel, to sow into the kingdom because, you know, we don't, we don't sow. The thing that I like that my pastor teaches too, is he's like, you're not sowing seed for today. A farmer doesn't sow seed like hey dude i need my crop today it's so the next season when everybody's looking around like where the food at it's like i'm good i sowed my i'm eating off my labor from six months ago from three months ago right like i'm not eating off my labor that i just threw in the ground today and i think a lot of people have that mentality so that's just kind of what i'm what i'm going with

it and you got to sow to grow right yeah yeah you got to sow to grow yeah and i'm gonna i'm gonna pass it back to heidi i just wanted to say one thing because i forgot to mention the punch line that my pastor uh said that that really gut punched me but he said you know we could we go out to eat and we're quick to tip our waiter our bartender whoever 25 percent 20 but when it comes to god we just want to give him the scraps like man i was like i was like wow and you're right god doesn't need our money you know look look my pastor goes like he

He goes, hey, hold on, Ro. My pastor's like, he's like, 10% is his. You ain't giving until you hit 11. He's like, don't get it twisted. 1% over your 10% is your giving. Your tithe belongs to the Lord, and that's going off the book of God. And it's fine. Like I said, if I'm afraid to give God 10%, that that won't yield good fruit, be obedient with his money, all you're doing is showing.

that you're not faithful for his gifts because there's other gifts that are way more and we can talk about a little later just remind me what the gifts are but those gifts we'll explain a little bit later but if he can't trust you with these gifts he won't give you those gifts and uh yeah so anyway we got to get our guests going because we we ready to unload unleash heidi unload unload

the clip. That's okay. That's okay. I, I do think it's important to, to remember that your time, if you think you don't have anything to give, because I know a lot of people get in this, like, I don't have any, maybe you don't have a job. Maybe, you know, you really are in a bad situation. Then that, that isn't the only time you can give your heart. Like, I think this is so important because there are so many people, people dying every day of loneliness because they don't want to be here anymore. And I think I focus on this. Like I said, I work at the psych hospital and I see it firsthand. You know, people are lonely for actual human connection. I mean, how much effort does it take to talk to your cashier to, you know, you'll be led, whatever the thing is you need to do, whether it's money, time, talent, whatever that is, God will tell you if you just listen so you need to you need to listen yeah i don't know yeah no no that's

that's that's practice that's practicing uh discipline right and i think discipleship is about discipline you know that is a concept that the lord's really been bringing before me a lot recently and i know abraham touched on it quite a bit in our last episode and i was hearing it today in church too you know we have to exercise discipline if we want to be disciples of christ because we want to be a true reflection of him to those around us and um you know and i understand what you're saying as well heidi you know if they have nothing yeah yeah yeah people there's there's there's some people that they're they're in that situation where they're in the need of of receiving at that time but imagine if there's not givers in the church then there's there's nothing to help those people out with. And we got to understand that it is about growing, right? Jesus wants his church to grow. And we have to operate in the world that the church needs resources to reach the world that's out there, whether it's traveling, whether it's food, whether it's clothing, whether it's, you know, drug and alcohol rehab programs. So whether it's building new churches, new buildings, ministries, missionary trips, these things do cost money, but not everybody's in the season of giving. Some people are in the seasons of needing to receive. And for those of you that are out there that are in need of receiving, aren't you happy that there's people in the church that are taking the responsibility to be obedient to God and be givers so that they have those resources to give to those who are in need? and something that I've experienced and I'm actually experiencing it right now with a friend that I'm helping try to lead to Christ and somebody who's been struggling with some finances. And if you guys haven't listened, go listen to the short Raul's rant that I did just a few days ago. And that offer's still on the table. You guys wanna help my friend out, pay some bills, send me some cash app and put love in the cash app link and I'll know it's from my buddy and I'll send it to him, somebody I'm trying to help out here. but my friend was like, look, I don't need your, I don't want that from you. I just want your friendship. And I said, yeah, but you got to understand this is something that I want to do. So don't look, don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Like the old saying is, you know, I'm doing this from a place because I want to do this. I enjoy doing this. So please let me do this. And I think some people, and especially men, you know, I'm not saying women can't be this way, but I know as a man too, sometimes your pride, you're like, oh, I don't need nobody's help. If I can't get it on my own, then I'll just go without, you know, we need to learn to not be so prideful and learn. It's okay to ask for help. And even if it doesn't have to do with finances too, if you're struggling with sin, or if you're struggling with in a relationship, if you're struggling at work, if you keep

that to yourself and you're not releasing, releasing it and talking to Jesus about it, and you're not, you're not sharing that with people that God's placed in your circle, then, then how can you grow? you're hiding it from the light bring all that to the light and you guys if you need if you need help don't be scared to ask for it because there's people out here like us right now that are blessed and we're willing to help you out but we we need to know you need help in order to help you

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Siva as well, period. So yeah, like you said, everything seasons, right? Like all these different seasons for people and i've been on both sides of the coin and we're getting into the holidays so please you know that shouldn't be the only time we give but try to remember that like try to remember the kids on christmas that think santa doesn't love them because that's what they heard at school right like we can say we don't practice that all day long but then people are going to talk like even if you don't do you know worldly things the kids at school are going to tell them oh look what i did or look what i got or blah blah blah you know you you don't have to fall into the materialism but also you can help them have at least like they need clothes and shoes and socks and things and you know what better time to do that i mean yeah you know that's

something our church is doing a little something for the good something to feed folks um you know they, God spoke in their heart to do, to do an outreach for food. And this was before the government shut down. So they had planned this a while ago because God put in their heart and then lo and behold, we have a shutdown. So those are the kinds of things that, you know, our, our finances can go to and, uh, that we can be a blessing and, and just be mindful and hear the Lord, you know, and I thank God that they, they were mindful and we got to bless a couple of families with some, with some food, uh, be a part of that blessing too. And, you know, it doesn't take much to reach out and just show because he's God's going to take care of his people, you know, period. Doesn't matter what the economy looks like. And if you're if you are going to sow the seed, you will not yield. It will not not yield fruit. It will yield fruit. OK, so because that's sometimes we're like, man, I don't know. You know, I'm going to you don't know six months from now. You don't know two years from now. But God does. And we just have to trust that, you know, and I believe we're in a society now where, man, it's like housing. because uh uh patrick vet david i i listened to him here and there and he was talking about you know the uh used to be twice the income to own a house now it's eight times like those are real numbers you know those are hardcore numbers and and that's the reality you know what was once obtainable is is a forced squeeze right for the 2030 agenda to work they got to squeeze this out and uh well i think we're feeling it now and i think you're going to only just see it more and more especially on the west coast and on the east coast and and things like that so now more than ever we need to trust god because we saw it back in um with egypt and and israel and we saw with the babylonians in israel and and uh romans and then you just see it throughout you know england and keep on going so i think we're for another one of those deals where they're you know we just need to be ready so this is a time more than ever to trust god i believe yep bro russia you know the

bolshevik revolution shows people and you know history is widely not studied anymore but you know food is something they have realized that they can control the masses with and if you know we control it back right as christians then they don't have as much power period also for those that are struggling right now and if you have lost your ebt snap benefits you can go to some local restaurants i know olive garden is participating in this and you can show them your card that it was active and they will feed you so just letting people know that so that doesn't solve the problem but it's another resource so look that up yeah so hopefully

hopefully we can get people okay yeah out here in the state where I'm at they actually uh they overrode the uh the federal shutdown and they released SNAP benefits to the residents of the state so I don't know if that's happening in in the other states but they did so the people that were receiving ebt um did end up getting their ebt this month so you know and that's that's crazy i said that on a youtube short video that i made recently and i'm like you know we we have billions to give for wars to to buy more fighter jets to buy uh warships to to house you know um all these uh

issues all around the world and finance wars, but we don't have money to feed people in need, you know, and I know there's people wherever there's a system, there's always somebody within the system that's going to use it. But think of all the people that actually aren't just using the system, but actually really rely on that. You know, you got to have a heart for these folks. And I hear a lot of people on both sides of the fence, you know, the people say, well, good, maybe they should just get to work. Well, you know, there's a lot of people that are reliant on those, those benefits that they're in circumstances where they just can't work. And we just cannot, we have a duty, not only, you know, uh, especially as believers, we have a biblical duty to take care of people in need widows, you know, the disabled and, and, and, and the young and the youth and anybody who's ever fought in a war, whatever you like, you should not have to worry about where your next meal is coming from. So, I mean, if they can spend billions on wars, we, we, we should be able to spend, even a fraction of that to feed people here. But I think that's why it's even more important these days. If you do, you know, I know people that have apartments right now that are growing micro greens inside of their apartments. You know, imagine if everybody was growing something in their home, no matter what you have, you could do it inside of an apartment, look it up, micro greens in your apartment. Like you, you know, if you have a backyard, if you have a front yard if you have just do something plant something in the ground but a seed isn't going to grow like you can hold it in your hand but until you open your hand and play and place it in the ground and trust it it's it like you said it's it might not happen overnight but wait and see you know wait and see what happens that seed will grow and it will grow and it will grow more food than just what out of that tiny little seed you place in the ground and the more the more you sow the more you grow. So, so the more we as believers trusting God to provide, the more that we put out there, it's going to come back. It's not, it's not going to come back void. It's impossible actually. But you know, no matter how hard the enemy tries to make this world and how unlivable our circumstances seem, you know, sometimes good can come out of bad situations, just like with the COVID pandemic, right? It woke a lot of people up. We, a lot of people that weren't hip to the schemes of the pharmaceutical industries and some of these are healthcare industry. And a lot of people woke up during that time and, uh, and learn to eat healthier and be healthier and exercise and take care of themselves and not trust so much in, in the system, right? A lot of good came out of that. And just like, you know, it may cost eight times your, your, uh, income to purchase a house now, you know, when before it was twice your income, you know, um, now it's eight, but if it's, if it's forcing families to bury the hatchet and set aside old beasts so they can come together and cohabitate. Yeah. It's hard living with, with loved ones and cohabitating with family.

But in a lot of ways, if you work together and you come together and you support one another and and you help ease that strain you know i i think more families are starting to move in together like uh a kid still living with parents or or or cousins and and and brothers and sisters and uncles and aunts and you know if if we if we have to go back to to living like that you know that that could be a good thing because it's more people to to watch and steward our children and look after the things that we have you know so uh could it be could it be bad and could it be scary It can, but it could also force you into circumstances will actually turn out to be a blessing. And maybe you can repair a relationship with a relative that that that was broken, you know, out of need.

I have a little story to share from this. So I have definitely had my times where things have definitely been a hardship on me and my family. I've really struggled with my health a lot of times. And after I'd had cancer and my grandma sued me because I love the church and tried to take my kids. And basically I had nothing. I mean, really. And we ended up having to live with my brother, my little brother. And we had a mother-in-law apartment with, it was two bedrooms and it was the tiniest little, like a living room and then a little laundry room, the bedroom, and then a kitchen, but it was like a kitchenette. It was like the stoves that you get in an RV, like tiny, like tiny fridge, tiny stove. Everything's tiny. The bedroom, our bedroom was good size. And we had six. Yes, I said six children. And, you know, me and my kids talk about this all the time and how much fun they had there. The one saving grace was my brother had a sunroom. We spent a lot of time out there in the sunroom because it had heat and everything. The kids would play out there. and they played outside more and they.

had fun. And it was just this, you know, we do family dinners, obviously, I would help his daughter, she they would help my kids like it was it was this nice time that I thought it was going to be awful. Like going into it, I just thought, Oh, my gosh, I can't imagine what how I'm going to deal with this. And the room's so small. And we were talking about it the other day with my older daughter. And she said, wasn't that so funny? And, and it was fun. And all of us were so close. And, you know, I didn't realize it at the time, but I would lose my brother within a year of that. And it was a blessing as a huge blessing for me. Yeah, because yeah, when you leave, when you leave home, and he was in the Navy. And, you know, we'd never lived together since we were young, really young, because we got taken away and separated and all this horrible stuff when we were young. And so we hadn't lived together since maybe I was 12 and he was nine and it was hard. He had an addiction problem, which I realized living with him. I, I probably would have never known that if I didn't live with him because you see things differently, right? When you're there. And what I thought was like, just, Oh, he's just drinking. It wasn't, um, there was all kinds of problems there. And he didn't make it through that fight, you know, but I did everything I could. Like I called him out. I would tell him like, you, I almost got in a fist fight with him. Actually, my husband was like, your brother is going to kill you because he's like six, three and weighs like two 70. And I'm like, I'm five, nine. I can hold my own. But the one thing I knew for sure is my brother would never hit me. So I was like, well, I don't care. I and I was just trying to wake him up. I was like, you need help. You need help. You're not listening to me. And, you know, it boiled over and it shouldn't have got to that point. But I think he realized like, hey, maybe I do have a problem. And he and he did rally for a little while after that, you know, he really did. And I will say this for my children, like they have wonderful memories of their uncle not my uncle came over once or twice on Christmas right they have this wonderful time that they spent every day and there were hard things too they saw things they shouldn't have had to see but also I think that's going to help them not be addicts I'm sorry you know sometimes we see things that are hard and we want to shelter everybody so badly now that like we want to make them like these bubble kids like in the bubble thing you know that old movie and it doesn't help people because then they get out in the real world and nobody cares about you and and they don't care if you need a safe space like they don't you know yeah it's hard and but i am so grateful to god

that i had that time with my brother no it's funny that you because i had a similar situation we moved to texas in 20 21 late september so um we were staying with my in-laws they they we all migrated we're like crazy right we're like we're just leaving california so there's some other context behind that but um in 2023 before we left that we had a tiny apartment again there's seven of us two bedroom but to me i i really same thing like the close quarters my daughter started her nail job on the outside of the porch in texas if you know about texas it's like super hot or super cold so um she's a trooper for that and then uh now we're doing well in a nice four bedroom house and all that with a lot of space and she has her business but for just a few months my brother had just surprised us in 2023 and he came and and and uh just pumped us with life and then he went back to uh uh saint well it's a normal illinois and then we lost him back in in may but i felt the same thing like you know god orchestrated those three months that he got to stay with all five of my kids us in a two-bedroom we dropped two tracks that we were able to play at his memorial service and just brought back amazing memories and you know god's he's amazing like that where we get to have it's not always the the how big it's it's the quality you know and we had quality time and you know like you said same thing with my mom before she passed away she got to stay with us for a while and then my mother-in-law my sister-in-law um you know and we got to spend real quality time and just actually serve them and and uh and and you know like let them see who we really are in their weak moments because that's when people know the real you when they're when they're at their weakest and you're at your best because a lot of times you know where it's the opposite you know they're at their weakest or we're at our weakest and they're still kicking us in the teeth you know so so because like you said there's not always mercy and uh no it's that that's a

story and i think now that i now that i've kind of put two to two together so i think after we when we first talked before you you guys hopped on you heard us hop on firm we were talking a little bit and i watched a testimony from the mormon church about the pussycat dolls and i think your podcast came in after so i like if you're the one that got married really young live with your grandma and grandma was a shadow dater all that crazy all that funny stuff and then she let okay i know exactly who you are now i listened to your your testimony for about i think an hour and a half was that one that went real popular it was yeah probably almost false uh-huh

yeah yeah so i got the whole lowdown on you ma'am and you know isn't god good that he can maybe see i'm not saying he doomed your brother or mine but like he can see he knows what we don't know right you know, and also it changed the whole course of my life. Like now I have a nice home and my kids are, you know, all stable and good and everybody's well. But like at that time, it seemed like the end of the world, you know, like, ah, I gotta go with my brother and he's my little brother. How embarrassing and, you know, all this stuff. And I mean, I think God just knew, you know, that that time, whether he would, I don't think he has it predetermined. There's always that cross road. But like, also it changed my life. Like I, I don't have the same career. I don't work in the ER anymore. I work with these people coming off of addictions and all these different things. And a lot of times they're there semi against their will. And they're like, well, I just hate it here. Nothing's worse than being here. And I'm like, well, there's people that didn't make it here and they're in the dirt, you know, and you're not supposed to say stuff like that, but I don't care. I say it nice, you know, but I'm like, this is serious. Like you, you have to understand that this is like, I don't care how many times you've been go again, because one day you're not going to make it there. If you don't do it again.

Yeah. And you have, you have such an amazing testimony. And, uh, you know, I don't think, you know, maybe the firm has heard it before. Cause you know, I'm on, I'm on season two, you know? So, so season one, I didn't, I didn't have you on there, but you know, it's, uh, Just hearing your testimony and where you came from and what you went through. I'm sure there's a Surviving the Mormon Church book coming. Not Surviving Art Kelly, but Surviving the Mormon Church. No, but, you know, it's pretty profound that you are one who has overcome cancer. And then now you're also still serving others and helping others. And that's a testimony to what we're even saying today. Like, stay faithful, stay the course, trust God. And it's a growth. It's a growth thing. and your heavenly father is there for you and you're growing because one thing i think i took from yours is that you were you did you were serious at a younger age as far as knowing the faith and it kind of lets you down because you know you realized it's kind of more of a ponzi scheme than actual people who love god and want to see others flourish even i think you said your grandpa was probably racist so he definitely yeah they were raised i wasn't there i don't know

uh yeah and it you know what's funny i i don't know if you heard that part of the story my stepdad was extremely racist and tried to instill it in me and he failed miserably but the the funnier part is is his only blood son his blood son married a black woman and they have one black child like obviously half and half you know not all the way um and he loves her it changed him too like you can't he's still a jerk in a lot of ways but i'm just saying like that part okay he loves her the same as he would love any child okay it doesn't matter anymore even though i didn't think that could ever change in him he was horrific you know and we see these things happen and i always say that's like god's little joke because he's like watch this you know and i think kid's great but you know i never cared like like people have asked me that because then my ex-husband also married a black lady that was wonderful and people here in utah are a little weird like there was too many john birchers back in the day and the mormon church was racist and i don't know they would say weird things like how do you feel about a black woman being your kid's stepmom and i'm like um you're a weirdo like as long as my kid is well taken care of and loved i'm just grateful for another person that loves my son which she was wonderful she passed away also we had like the season of death at my house that was just so bad she passed away two weeks before my brother and it was all every one of the deaths was unexpected and tragic

and young and it's really horrible things she had a disease a muscle disease kind of like lupus and she just didn't wake up one morning like and she was 40 something um yeah and it was my kids like they loved her so much and they used to call her mama mo because her name was monique and you know even my divorce like i know god doesn't like divorce but like even that because my ex-husband did a horrible job when I got sick and he was just not good and it totally ruined our relationship and you know we both moved on and he married her and I married my husband and first of all I think we both ended up with like our soulmates at that point like my husband is everything like it's been over a decade and people never thought we would make it because we were so both really strong headed for a while you put a Gemini with a Leo it's it's interesting but I don't believe in all that but per se but that gives you like the personality profile oh no these people know

that trust me they know they know they know see what people misconstrued all that astrology stuff it's god said know the signs know the seasons right that's a part of the personality trait around those times those signs and seasons man i mean you don't gotta live by that stuff but you

you can understand what you're dealing with so i get it we had battle royale for like three years but then now we're like amazing and you know he was so good with her in her time of me being sick it was almost hard for me to watch him do that and be so good with her everything that he didn't do

for me like yeah but that's kind of how it works though right he jacked yours up so he was like

I ain't gonna do that again no no she in fact she tripped I I will tell you not a dry eye she made me go to that wedding she was crazy I don't know um I told her no at least seven times and I said this is so awkward please don't make me do this and she said if you don't come I'll never forgive myself and all this stuff and I was like oh my gosh this lady and and so I went and she tripped because she had this muscle problem when she was walking down the aisle and he literally went and scooped her up and carried her down the aisle there wasn't a dry eye in that place like it was crazy you know and it was so sad when he lost her but like that time that she was in our family because she never had children and she couldn't so my children were the only children she ever had and she literally said to my family like one of my kids one day she said I always wanted a dog and kids and now I have a dog and kids and I literally have everything I've ever wanted and i think that's why she died to be honest i think she was like good you know like yeah it's like

retiring it's like when you retire young don't retire younger but yeah she was done and you know

she was the most beautiful person and and i just i'm so grateful that she was in my life like some people would say oh that's weird because divorce you know or whatever and i'm like yeah but things happen you know we can't control everything right we can't yeah that's uh oh go ahead ro i'm sorry

all right yeah no i was just i was like yeah for those of you guys that don't know too adrian joined forces with me and and this is technically season two but really it'd be like season three with how many uh episodes we've had on firmamental but uh yeah we've we've rocked with heidi love in the past she's had her testimonies and stories i don't know if this is her second or third time back right but and then i've also uh i've also been we've been on unfiltered rise as well so uh adrian i guess you just heard your testimony so i'm just sitting here like a fly on the wall but i'm like you know what man adrian's killing this interview i'll just i'll just be a fly on

the wall it was funny because i was at work i'm enjoying it not to get my not to if you know me

at work don't don't trip but yeah but you know when there's so much that i want to respond and I'm going to keep it kind of brief, but I want to, I want to share a bit of my heart because I felt the Lord speaking to me while, while you guys were sharing it. And, you know, the firmamentalists know me, I get emotional. So, you know, Heidi, when you start tearing up, I start tearing up too. And, uh, it's kind of ironic that you share that you lost your brother because, uh, the episode, the last episode, it was my brother's birthday on 11 three. It's his heavenly birthday. He, I lost my brother to, uh, to, to alcohol and suicide. And, uh, Adrian recently lost his brother. And in two episodes before that, Adrian gave a, uh, heavenly shout out to his brother that he lost. And then on this episode, uh, you recall this beautiful time that, that God set aside in your life. Um, and it's a cherished memory with your brother. And, uh, you know, I just wanted to share a little bit about my brother, um, that I, that I lost, you know, And this was my favorite brother, you know, probably the most mess of all of us. but my favorite one nonetheless and he was just the realest most genuine the realest most genuine dude and my kids still to this day say their uncle d is their favorite uncle you know and uh but he had his struggles he had his battles but um he was his own worst enemy he was one of these people that he wouldn't harm anybody else but he would do a lot of harm to himself and uh alcohol horribly had a hold of his life and just like i heard you share with your brother you know um there were times where i grabbed my brother and i was like you know and i hadn't had authority over at this this time in my life i have authority over over those areas you know but at this time you know i was still i would still drink with him and stuff but you know i would tell him like my drinking wasn't like his and i i would tell him bro you're you're dying dude this is killing you you need to stop and um you know he had a cardiac event he ended up in the hospital. He had, he had to go through a, uh, a rehab program and, uh, he got clean and he went, you know, I, I did all the paperwork for him to, to get in this aftercare program. Uh, we got him into a 30 day detox program. He came out, he was living with my niece at the time. And, uh, hit her one rule was like, dad, you can stay here for as long as you need. Um, but the one rule is you can't drink, you know, and, and he made it about a week and he fell off the wagon and, uh, she came home and he was, uh, hammered one day and she had to, she said, you know, the rules, dad, you know, I love you, but I can't tolerate this in my home. He came in and stayed with me for a night and I was not living in the same town as him. And I told him, dude, I have kids and I can't have drinking around my kids like this. Um, but you know, we scraped together, uh, a train ticket.

I drove him down to the train station. He went back home, but I told him before he fell off the wagon. I said, bro, this is life or death, dude. And I said, I said, you're 30 days, you know, over 30 days clean now, you know, actually at that time was probably closer to like 50 days because you know, the time that he had spent in the hospital before he went into that, that post, you know, rehab. And I told him, dude, if you go back, man, and I didn't mean to speak this. And I don't know, people might hit, hit us in the message and say, you shouldn't have said that. But I told him, dude, I just knew. I said, man, you go back to that lifestyle, it's curtains, man. Like now's your time. Seize the moment and don't go back to it. Like look at all the pain that it's brought you. You know, you have to leave this behind. You know, like the Bible says, when you get delivered from a demon, you got to be very careful that you don't go back and entertain those same spirits because now that demon is going to bring seven of his friends and they're going to come even harder. You know, and I kind of felt that same kind of situation with my brother. And unfortunately, he went back to his life, went back to the familiar surroundings and fell back into his ways, you know, and I would go visit him. I would take him clothes. He was living in a friend of the family's house that had like an old abandoned apartment. He didn't have any power in it. In northern New Mexico, it gets super cold during certain times of the year. You know, I don't know how he was staying warm. He had multiple sleeping bags. He had a little lantern. He would charge his phone when he was out and about at a restaurant. You know, he's basically homeless without being homeless. But, you know, we would, whenever we'd go to that little town a few hours away, I'd always make him care packages. You know, my ex at the time would make meals. You know, we'd put in packaging for him and take him meals. I would take him, you know, storable goods that he could eat, you know, make sure he had warm clothes for the winter. and and and at this time let me be honest like he was alcohol dependent he would get physically sick without it so there was times where i would even you know give him alcohol just so he could maintain you know what i mean and uh unfortunately yeah you can't cold turkey if you're out there yeah yeah don't do that yeah yeah yeah yeah unfortunately you know um uh sorry this is going to be hard to share but uh he he was really struggling you know this is during like the the pandemic time so people were still really weird and in this town that he was in in northern new mexico was some of the strictest they they enforced like covid curfews in this town in northern new mexico and he was really depressed because uh even the bars and and certain liquor stores and stuff would close at a certain time and and before he would like have more access to what he needed to get by and he actually had my brother was a liked guy so he used to do some work for the liquor store you know and he would go like sweep and throw the guy's trash just so he could get his rations and

the guy would like give him that would be his payment would be in like shooters in a couple 40s for like cleaning this liquor store for this guy like my brother was a survivor he knew what he needed to do to just get by and survive, but that's all.

he was doing just scraping by. And unfortunately, you know, one morning he got up early and I guess he hit up my niece who I, who I had to, uh, you know, um, share some things with her about not feeling guilty because I guess he reached out to her the morning that he took his life. And, and, and, uh, he said, you know, I, I really need to be with you. I just come pick me up. And, you know, she kind of just said like, dad, I'm busy. I got a lot of things going on and I can't do it. And people who are struggling with addiction people who are struggling with alcohol sometimes we just don't want to put up with their you know their shit and I usually don't uh cuss on this podcast but you know those were the words that were used I don't want to put up with your with your shit right now and uh you know and and uh you know a lot of people weren't answering their phone that day I was probably one of them and he was just feeling frustrated he had fell down the stairs like a few weeks earlier and he cracked his ribs um I know he was in a lot of pain probably DTing off alcohol isolation from covid just all these things and listen man i know my brother loved jesus i know he loved jesus because i have this rap song that i wrote about jesus and he used to always tell me do that song do that song do that song every time he used to love to hear me sing to him too and and that was kind of our thing and uh so i know he he he loved jesus but um yeah he uh he stabbed himself in the throat uh and they said that he climbed up the stairs

to the little apartment that he was staying in and he tried to make it to the sink and he made

it to the to the restroom and he was looking in the mirror and you know they could see because the handprints and the blood and he like reached to go for the talent i think he was going to try

to stop the bleeding but he realized like he actually i think he did it more in desperation to get attention and he actually hit something he fell on the floor he bled out my niece found him she still lives with us to this day and i tell her he thought you can't carry that it's not your fault

because whether it was that day or it was just that demon he was that demon that strong that strong drink those spirits they just had a hold of him and he was just lost but he i really do believe that he's with jesus because even suicide is not more powerful than than what jesus did on the cross and some people might disagree and they think that suicide is you know is a damning sin but i i really don't feel that way and i believe i'll see my brother one day again you know but But I've had to I've had to talk to my niece about forgiving herself and learning that, you know, just because she didn't answer her phone that day, she's not the only one that did it. And she can't carry that guilt. And her dad wouldn't want her to live in that, you know, and we got to learn to heal and move on and not make the mistakes. And, you know, my brother's death has took me a few years since then, and I still struggle with alcohol from his death till now. And, and I've recently just recently got a good grip on, on, on, uh, on alcoholism in my life. And it's one of the things that, that the Lord has really delivered me from, and I'm so gracious for it. But, uh, you know, I look at, at what happened to my brother and other people that I know that have died from drugs and alcohol. And I say, I'm not going to let that be me. This isn't going to continue on. it stops here you know and and uh my brother didn't lose his life in vain because it may have

took him losing his life for me to gain back mine in a sense and i honor you brother i want to choose to serve jesus save souls for the kingdom so other people don't have to don't have to end up the same way guys and i'm sorry

but yeah i've been through a lot of healing and i think this is powerful look every one of us up here have lost a brother and my niece also found my brother and she was 12 and she was never okay you know and we lost her too because then she got took away and and then her mother killed herself right after that and so like this pain when you have drug and alcohol or suicide or something and you get to that low level where you think that it's hopeless never make any kind of decision at that time because you will pass that down to your family for all eternity because this happened with my uncle too and he shot himself and his kids are still not okay you know And so when we look at this, I think this is the perfect time to have this discussion because this is our highest time in the psych hospital where people have attempts on their life because.

they are either lonely and away from their family or, or their family is hard and, and they don't know how to deal with their family or they feel like a failure to their family. And for these people that are out there, like my heart says to you, like, look at all of us up here. I'm not sure about your brother, but like us, at least, you know, with, with this substance abuse problem, realize like this is not worth your life and go get help today, not tomorrow. And it doesn't matter if you go back a hundred times, I don't care the shame and guilt that keeps you in the pattern repeating. It's going to have to stop so that you can heal because Raul is right. The people that get affected by this, the worst are the most kind. They are the most kind hearted, good people. And anybody that judges anybody's death, I'm sorry, you aren't God and you don't get to do that. And that is not yours to say or do. So it doesn't say in the Bible anywhere that that's on our decision. Everything is up to God, period. Because it also says that we all have to be baptized and all this stuff and that we have to fully accept Jesus. But yet he said he'd see the thief that day, right? But he wasn't baptized. There was no time for him. There was none of that. So we don't know ultimately is what I'm saying. You know, whether that be like murders, I don't care. Like you, that is not your place. And I always tell my daughter, cause she asked me these hard questions. She's getting at that age, like what happens to these really bad people that hurt kids or, you know, her other people. And I'm like, I'm just really glad that's not our, our burden. We don't have to worry about that. We can pray for them. And that's, you know, that's the answer. but you know every one of us up here with the sibling loss I'll tell you this and this is real for people that don't know your sibling is the only person your siblings I only had one that I grew up with but they're the only one that knows your exact family and like how you were created and what you went through and your camaraderie of actually how you developed and grew up because you had the same parents and even if they parented you different like they fully understand and comprehend your level more than anyone else on earth. This is like a psychological fact. And so if you lose that, like me, I lost that, that was it for me, you know? And there's no one else on this planet that gets that because your parents get it from their parenting place. It's a different place in the family, right? And so I think this is really an important episode during this time because A, money is horrible for people. B, addiction is rampant. C, you know, this time, time frame. And D, I think, you know, it shows the pain goes on

in the future and posterity where we have to say, you are worth it. You may think your life will mean nothing. You may think that you mean nothing. You may think that your death won't cause any harm to anybody but yourself, you are absolutely wrong. Because everybody I've ever known that has had somebody die just suddenly, even if it was like a car accident or whatever, it takes a toll on about 10 people. And that loss of a sibling is something extra. And so just remember that you are important that God placed you here and he didn't take you from this earth yet because you are that important and everybody's lonely everybody feels like a failure like if we all quit acting like we all have our shit so together we might actually help some people which is why I speak and this is why I go as raw as I do which I appreciate you both doing because it is not easy to get up here and or anywhere and lay your life there but if it will save somebody you got it

yeah and that's why i said i appreciate you uh giving um your testimony so many people you know hundreds of thousands of people will hear your testimony and and want to wake up and thanks for all for sharing as well because you know i know it's a loss for a brother and or a sister or sibling is tough because somebody broke it down they said there's only one relationship from the womb to the tomb and it's your sibling and you know when you get that taken away or you you know it's it's tough you know and for me like i said i i i definitely felt that loss and i'm still grieving and dealing with it's my first holidays without him so i'm still trying to figure that out but you know the grace of god and just been real busy this last season so that helps but i still think about him every day so you know i appreciate you guys sharing that and then like you said we just got to be mindful share our stories you know that was one of the reasons why i told rollo to make sure he doesn't stay away too long because his story is powerful from loss drug addiction and uh everything else man like dealing with that jumping around and but see the people need that that's we want that realness and you're and it's not even that it's the fact that you've you're coming back from that and you're willing to talk about it because we're not transparent at all our society is we smile on our instagrams and we smile on our face books and behind all those smiles are a lot of broken and shattered hearts and that's one thing we're not good at is being transparent because that's how you like you said we get the help you know we're we get so prideful we forget we can ask for help and we can speak into other people and i thank god i got people i can call and talk to and that check on me and vice versa you know it's just relationships go both ways because some people go man i look at the phone they still ain't called but it's like yeah but it works both ways you could dial out too you know that right and there's a lot of times like especially this time of year there's family members we got to dial out we got it we can't be afraid is to what's on the other side and uh you know there was some connections for a season that to me i still called when i knew i probably shouldn't they probably didn't want to hear from me but i called anyway because i love you you know i love you guys and i don't want people to think that you know whatever might be there i just i want to reassure them there's nothing there i don't go to i don't lay my head down with any animosity you can ask my wife i ain't holding nothing like i don't i i like i told you before we're all even in the dm like if you dm us and talk crazy and and it i promise you i will not lose a nanosecond of sleep because god is good i got my children i got my wife and he's always going to be good rather if my life is good or not he's still going to be good And I love God. And, you know, I trust in him. I trust that there'll be restoration and I trust that he's got my back.

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start hiring today with linkedin well and for anybody out there too joe i told this story before we went live joe lost every child he had in one second a building fell on him and they all died and everybody talks about how job was reinstated and and fixed again and brought back to glory but those kids weren't the same kids they never are so i always tell people when i feel bad or whatever like we all get in those times you know people say well oh she she doesn't seem affected this one is more affecting to me because all three of us are kind of in that same thing and i think god orchestrated that to be honest um but you know sometimes when i talk about it i don't get super emotional it's been a lot of years since since he's passed but also i i always want people to know like you said it can be a facade they don't judge people just because one person cries or the next time they don't or whatever the case may be, because it may be just a more raw time, right? Like that, that's just truth. But also you don't have to enable people to do what he just said and be like, you know what, brother, I love you. You know, I hope you get better. You know, Raul, you said that too. Like you never gave up. Like you kept saying, like, you got to change, but I'm not going to enable you. And I love you, you know? And I was like you said with my brother too i'd had enough of it i was getting called over there every other night in the middle of the night i got my own family like cops and every it was not it was a lot you know and the one thing is is i know probably that people say like what's the last thing you ever said to somebody mine is always i love you if i say it 10 000 times a day cool yeah you know

yeah that's what i teach my kids my mom actually uh really instilled that in me and my brother so we would always like every text all right love you bro love you love you even if even if we kind of had a disagreement all right man love you that's all right i love you though man i just want you to know that because we don't know when the last time will be the last time you know and that's just what it is

And we can't control that. We never will. We don't know when we'll get. We've had, you know, we've had guys, visitors come to church this year, drove their motorcycle the next week. First time they came to church, Gary likes Jesus. Boom, gone. Like, that's it. No second. Thank God they came. You know, thank God they decided. Let me go check in. Let me say, tell the Lord I love them. And let me accept him. Because you know what? I always tell people, I go, look, man, when you look at the three on the cross, he didn't tell the dude, hey, you need to go get off this cross. Go get baptized. you need to go get go see the priest go get right and then hop back on the cross and then i'll take you to be with me in paradise forever no he didn't say that he didn't beat him down he just said the guy said hey would you remember me and jesus said i'll remember you you'll be with me in my father's house forever so that's it it's not like we gotta we we don't have to hold anything over anybody's head you know one of the most powerful things i think i've learned and i'll pass it back to you all is in Romans chapter eight. You know, Paul, he teaches us there's, there's the law of life and death and there's the law of the spirit. But what he also says is there's no condemnation in Christ Jesus. We will not, there's no con, if you feel condemned, if you feel like anxious that, hey, they're judging me, you'd have to remind yourself there is no condemn. That's why what we do is so powerful. And I believe Heidi, that's why you have so much freedom is you're living that expression of there's no i'm not condemned anymore i'm actually more freer than i ever have having failed marriages having failed you know adolescent years having failed grandmommy whatever but it's okay because there's no condemnation in christ not that you've given a pass but you became a better your ladder is greater and i believe that's all we have we take away from joe or nebuchadnezzar or or even paul the apostle because paul was like i'm dirty i'm he's he called himself the chief sinner he's like i'm when it comes to messing up you can't mess up worse than me he's like i'm the worst he's like i'm i make the worst look bad i actually burned people alive in tar pits and hung them upside like he was the worst but yet he said christ still loves me and that became his burden was he's like i jacked it up so bad i want to turn it around and give and extend others you know that

love that i received that's what we all have to do we have to turn it around and we all have to stop being this little fake game you know that's why i named my podcast what i did unfiltered is your warning um rises because you can rise above it you know you don't have to remain down in the depths of where you were because i still have a kid that's it's going on seven years now that she don't talk to me. You know, I'm the worthless, toxic, horrible parent, you know, and it doesn't matter what mistakes I made or what I'm sorry for, or the fact that I completely had no clue what I was doing and was abused and all kinds of problems my own. It doesn't matter anymore. Like, you know, every time I get on a podcast and talk about my daughter, somebody says, you know, her daughter won't talk to her. She's probably a horrible person. She's got to be on drugs. She's got to have this. She's got to have that. And I'm like, listen, no, she has a husband that told her I was no good. And she left not just me, but the entire family. So, you know, sometimes bad things happen to people for no good reason. Was I perfect? No. Do I have some sorries to tell that girl? I'm certain of it. I can think of 10 right this second, like bam, bam, bam, bam. And for the first year of our estrangement, that was all I did. I could not get out of my own head and I didn't be there for my other kids, which is horrible. That's even worse because now I am the bad mother. She said like, Oh, it's just like so bad. Right. Because then I was checked out completely just crying constantly. I couldn't, I mean, I was doing the things like the dishes and the dinner and, but I, I wasn't emotionally available because every time one of my kids would say hey mom I love you I'll never leave you I'm like that's what your sister used to say

yeah no that's I'm glad you brought that up not glad I mean going through that but yeah you know but now we so some context my brother was estranged to his son for the last I think four to five years so on his passing so when he stayed with me he kind of he had some old friendships that he was uh we talked about and we also talked about the estrangement with his son that he was, you know, trying to reach out back to him and get back, you know, track him down. And he knew that his siblings, their siblings, his other daughters had communication with him, but it did, you know, one of the things that, that really weighed heavy was that relationship. And, you know, I'm not sure your daughter's name and you don't obviously have to share it, but I do hope that she reaches back out to you because the only thing you lose is time and there, and you can't get it back. Something happens to you. Something happens to her. That's it. that chapter is closed and I know that the person you are today knows how to operate in that and navigate that relationship a hundred times better so I pray and I hope that she will open that door and extend that olive branch because you know you only get one shot at this life and then the judgment then you got eternity but this life you only get one shot so I do hope you know that she'll

be able to to hear and reach out reach out to you with my mom you know with my parents and you heard my story my upbringing was I mean they took me away in the 90s that didn't even happen nobody even cared yeah but like that it's serious okay you know and and here's the thing I could be bitter and angry and you know what I think I was for a long time and it came out to that daughter because she was the oldest you know she was there during all the mess right my dad had been in prison and my mom had all these problems and, and like all this stuff. And, and my mom, you know, she is hard for me because I'm nothing like her. Like she's like a foreign entity. Like she's really emotional and like, I'm emotional right now, but I'm a very logical, uh, research motivated. I always say I'm just a guy in my brain. Like I literally understand men and women. I'm like, ah, what do I do? And then of course I had four girls like, Oh, and so, uh, it's like God teaching me to and laughing. Um, but you know, I always say I, I wasn't, uh, emotional enough because if they had a problem, I'm like, well, I took care of a guy today that got cut open and had cancer over. Like I didn't, I wasn't empathetic because I was this hardcore nurse that was like, you know, well, you, did you die i mean i i was i was kind of bad that way and and i and i had these sensitive children these all these kids one is not the rest pretty much are and i didn't understand how to work with that on on any level and then on top of it you know i became a wife at 17 like i i didn't know what i was doing and i was a mom to six kids before i was 30 so that's wow um yeah yeah this is why i got three grandkids already you know and i i think with death it's such a permanent thing that there is a part of you that you can accept it and you can say this happened and i have to greet this but with your child or your brother or sister whoever if they estrange from you you literally know they're there and everything in me wants to go there like because you know i told you before like i'm a little sassy but her husband doesn't like me already and i think that's why i got the boot because I was too bold, you know, really honest. I think I just talk. I don't always even remember everything I say. Sometimes my husband will say, you said this thing on this podcast. I'm like, that's nice. Like, I don't even remember sometimes, you know, and he's like, yes, you do. And I'm like, no, I really don't. Like sometimes stuff just comes out of there and I don't know. And so I think, you know, I got the boot because of that. I rubbed him the wrong way. We didn't get to even work through it because he just cut it off, you know, and me and her were always best friends. So I thought, um, obviously she had some feelings that she didn't feel that she could come to me and share, you know, but my second daughter, now all of this stuff is happening and she's been

going through some therapy and I always tell her like, dude, if you want to just take me in there and read me, like, I don't even care. Just don't leave. You know, like I'm, I messed up so much stuff like you're not wrong you know um i'm like i am so sorry and she even says like i i see how you are with the little kids and you're like i have a little jealousy there because you're such

a different mom you know that's kind of what i was saying about your husband though yeah i'm sorry i was like i was like going back and forth man but but that's a good point about you know like Like I said, your husband got he got to see when you sometimes if you're if you have any like a air of decency in you, you kind of know like, OK, I jacked that up. Right. Can I be real? So when you got another relationship, you can glean back on what you how you were and how I could do things better. It sounds like your husband got it right the second time, you know, to the end.

And then sounds like we parented. My son will be 18 in three weeks. Yeah. Two and a half. We co-parented. We both looked at each other and said, I don't hate you, dude. Let's not ruin our kid's life. Okay. Cause we both had split families and we didn't. And I am so proud of that. He was my really good friend until he got married to this next lady. Cause I guess she doesn't like me and that's okay. Look, you can't make everybody happy. You just sometimes have to accept it, you know? And, and that's okay too. But like, we used to be so tight that I literally used to tell my husband now, if anything bad ever happens to him and he's still single and he's old, I have to take him back and he has to live here, you know, and my husband's like, what the? crap like i'm like only if he's like sick and dying the multiverse yeah yeah and he's like okay whatever wacko um wow wow i saw i'm gonna fly on the wall for all that and same thing is what happened when i share with my what happened with my brother losing his life heidi so this is unfiltered rising spermamental and this is unscripted and i can tell man and you know what I know the Lord is blessing the new season and he's honoring the fact that we honor him because I know when the Holy Spirit shows up. I just know, I know, I know, I know because I have an intimate relationship with him. And it's funny, I guess the Lord wants me to share something else that I really didn't plan on sharing. But you talked about having a child that's estranged from you and doesn't want to doesn't want to talk to you right now. And I got the same thing going on in my life. and I didn't plan on talking about it on this episode, but you know what? I think that the Lord's bringing all this darkness into the light because there's a lot of people out there listening or who are going to listen to this episode that need to hear this stuff. And just like you said, people might judge you and say, Oh, Heidi must be a horrible person. Her, if her daughter doesn't want to talk to her, you know what I mean? But let me tell you, I got a similar situation going on in my life and without getting giving too much information here's what i will share you know uh i think the the firmamentalists are pretty aware that i left the state that i was in and i'm living in a new state okay um and it's been a i stepped away from the podcast for six months um and i spent a lot of intimate time with jesus during during those six months deciding where i wanted to take my life and during that time i decided first and foremost i wanted to follow him and in order to follow him truly i had to i had to let go of things and um i have two biological sons and then two step sons from from my ex you know and and they lost their

dad recently to drugs as well and i still keep contact with them i still talk to them um you know i i send things here and there you know little gifts a little bit of money whatever just to just to let them know i care and even though that they're not my biological sons my or my they're not my biological sons my biological sons that's their half brothers even though i'm not their dad you know so like i i still have that this relationship with them but it's funny because my oldest son out of all of them um he hasn't wanted to talk to me and it's been i don't know now um probably about six months you know and uh i don't know if he's blocked me on his phone or he just completely ignores my messages or whatever and it's not because i don't continue to try to reach out to him whether it's a through a scripture a message a voice message a song hey dude i'm here whenever you want to talk he knows that the the invitation is open and he knows because i've contacted his mom and his grandma and and i say hey look you know like in order for us to repair our relationship, you have to give me the opportunity. And look, I take accountability because I think too, he, he, he saw me change with his younger brothers because when he was, when he was first born, he's my first child. He saw the shenanigans. He saw the crazy, he saw my crazy life. He was exposed to it. You know, there's things that I did in front of him that I feel so guilty about bringing him around, you know, things that he should have not been exposed to, um, addictions that I had in my life, you know, things that were around that, uh, he might hold a little bit of resentment for but then there was also a period of his time when he was a teenager and he was too much for his mom to handle and he had to come live with me and I was that tough love that he needed at that time and because I had been through so much he couldn't pull the wool over my eyes and trick me and I was like hey dude I know exactly what you're doing and I ain't gonna play that and you know I'm still I'm still physically able and there was there was a couple times where you know as a young teenager and he was taller than me you know he he wanted to challenge dad and I said okay well but I think this is the mistake that I made with him before was I tried to be his friend and his dad now that I've had this transformation with Jesus I'm no longer interested in being his friend I'm just interested in being his dad alone because I realized he didn't need a friend he needed a dad and a lot of the times I was like I was that guy that was like oh you know what I mean I'm gonna take my uh we're gonna go fishing and it's okay you know because because my uncles and my you know my older brothers you know my dad had already quit drinking but you know they here they throw you a beer and you're cracking a beer and you think it's the coolest thing drinking beers with your uncles on a camping trip around the campfire fishing or whatever and you know what i'm guilty of doing some of that stuff with my son when i was young you know like here dude you want a beer come drink one with your dad, you know, but I'm at a completely different place in my life now, you know, but I think that he was really upset about this move because, um, he feels like I

left his younger brother, but for, but for me, the chapter was closing on one era of my life. And I had just went through so much, uh, dove tailing off the loss of my brother and, uh, you know, losing my County job and career changes and what was going on with the podcast and all the things that God was placing on my heart, all the backstabbing that I went through from the truth community, you know, to like, I just had so much stuff going on and then still secretly battling with things that I needed to leave behind, but I, Oh, I wasn't willing to nail to the cross yet. And, um, I just, you know, I, I felt the need for change and it was hard and it still is hard. And I, I have, I still have this active relationship with my, with my other sons, my youngest son, you know, and right now it's physically not there with them, but you know, it is, I'm working a lot. I'm able to send more than just what I pay in child support. I'm sending above and beyond that, you know. But also what I know is that they don't have just a dad for a season, another season. Like they got a dad who is now walking with Jesus, actually really took ownership of the mistakes that he's made, is willing to admit to them. And now when they come around me, they're going to see a dad that's more patient, more kind, more generous, more loving. And I know they'll see the difference. And all these people that don't know me and don't understand my circumstances, they could say or judge me however they want. They can paint me however they want. I know the truth. And as long as I know I'm doing the best that I can, and I keep trying and I keep walking with Jesus, I know that he honors that. And I believe in God. I believe in Jesus. He is a way maker. And I trust him with my children. I said lord i'm physically not there all the time right now but i trust them with you and i trust that you will take care of them and you'll keep them under your protective wing and and i'm always there i'm always available even though it's may not might not be physically now but when the season comes for them for for us to re-enter into each other's lives they have a dad who will be be set

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helpful that anybody's sick, you know, you have to flee the situation. Like the first thing they'll tell you when you go to AA or anything is you have to flee these people that are bringing you down. You can't be around your homies and these people that can get you, they don't get it. And you have to go, you know, you can't stay in the pit when you're not healthy and well, and also So therapists, and I'm sorry, and I do agree with therapy, but I will say this for this season of the world. Everybody's a toxic narcissist now. Everybody's toxic. So here's what we do with the toxic people. We throw them in the trash. What? Since when? Because that doesn't fix anything, first of all. Second of all, and they do this. They do this cutoff therapy. You're not the only one. I'm not the only one. Mine literally told me, don't call me. If you come here, I'll arrest you like everything off like socials every I'm not allowed to see her on the face of the planet okay and I don't and the first thing I wanted to do was fly there and say no no ma'am and my husband said you'll be the crazy lady she said you were if you fly there and so I prayed you know and and I kept praying like when will be the time God like come on like it's been a really long time you know she got married I wasn't there she had a baby I wasn't there like she doesn't forgive me I thought maybe when she became a parent she could forgive me like I forgave my mom you know but it hasn't happened and I've had to accept that in this lifetime it might not and I hope it will I pray it will But we don't get to choose because sometimes it's not about us. Sometimes it's about that person and they're going through something that you're going to screw completely up if you come in and be Superman and try to save the day. You know, you can't. But also therapy, if your therapist has you cut off your family, you are now a client for life forever. Yeah.

Yeah. So, so crazy. So in response to that, because I totally relate to what you're saying, and you can't control the situation. And if you control this, try to control the situation, it could actually have a more negative effect than a positive one. And I feel the same way with what's going on with my oldest son. you know i've got to this point where i i've i i continue to try to reach out but um just because i want him to know that the lifeline and i just haven't given up and he knows that and maybe you know i i need to write a real lengthy handwritten letter there's something about that done all that but it's way yeah but but but but i'm yours is probably better because i don't because i don't want to i don't want to i don't want to stay uh you know just on this one thing but i did want to say as far as where I'm at with God and where I'm at with dealing with not being able to control this situation. Because it's funny because my other sons, I love you, dad. I miss you. And look, I'm making a, I'm working really hard and I've saved up some vacation time because I'm planning a trip back home for the holidays, you know, to spend with them. And I have seen my youngest son has come down here a few times, spent some time with me here and there. You know, we've met up, we've been able to spend some time. And like I said, we FaceTime all the time on the phone. Like it's not physically there, but you know, I know that I'm coming into a new season where, where, where, where, uh, though, no, but there's might be a time when they need that and they need to come be with me. Well, now I'm ready. Now, you know, I'm engaged to get married. Now I'm walking with the Lord. I get married. I, I have a home. I have a good job. I'm walking. I can, I can show them the way i could teach them the path you know yeah and uh but with my oldest son you know mine is also my oldest which is yeah yeah he he needs to open up the the dialogue but i'm not forcing him it's when he's ready but when he's ready i'm here but i trust jesus so much that i i was 22 years old i understand being frustrated i understand being mad i understand being upset and i understand there's probably unforgiveness in his heart and i am not the lord but i trust in the lord so much that i know that one moment he will my son will will he'll have a breakthrough and we will have a breakthrough yeah and the relationship to men if it and i i really trust that god can do anything yeah god i trust anything i trust that that will happen but like you said you just said what if it never does now i don't think that's the case because i because i know

well you're yours is a different because you have some like someone he never said don't contact me ever again or oh no no no no no no yours is a little different yeah i think you're yeah i just

i just think that i i think that uh he doesn't fully understand i think he will come to this point where he understands why i did what i had to do because like you said i know working with drug alcoholics and drug addicts and coming out of it myself. And it was what happened with my brother. And then even a lot of my friends, you know, even though they might not have been hardcore, but they still like to drink and do this on the weekends. And I just, I needed a change of environment. I needed, I needed it. I needed a refreshing. And is that selfish? Not really because I'm doing it for good reasons because I know it's life or death, you know? And, and, uh, I really do not any good to them dead. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. And I really do. I know what I'm doing and I know my plan and I know my goals and I've seen how much far I've come because it's going to be coming up on a year now of this of it coming up in the holidays is going to be a year now since I left that situation, you know, and I'm in my current situation now. And the first six months was so hard. And now this last six months has got, and it's getting better and better and better and better. But, uh, and then there's still road bumps and dips and stuff here, but I know, and I trust God to heal these situations as long as I'm putting my hand to the plow and not looking backwards because people can say whatever they want about me. But if I know that I'm moving forward in the kingdom and giving my best, God is going to honor that. I can't control what's going on with my son but I know that he can and as I what I got to do is do the best that I can so when he does come back you can't deny the change you can't deny the difference and you know what I will take ownership for all the things that I've done wrong but I'm definitely going to let him know Like, Hey dude, like, I'm not interested in being your friend. I'm interested in being your dad, you know, and this is the time doesn't heal.

It doesn't like these kids, like my, my other daughter always says, well, you know, mom's changed a lot and you should really talk to mom or this or that. Oh, I'm, I'm sorry. I forgive her, but I just never want to talk to her again. I'm fine. And I'm like, is that real forgiveness? Is that like, I'm sorry to say that, that in the 10 commandments and you can say you're not breaking them all day long, but honoring your mother and father doesn't happen by just saying it and not being in their life and just holding over them. You know, whatever it is that I need to work with you, that's not forgiveness. When we forgive somebody that animosity, because I know, because my mother was like this, you know, we had this horrible relationship and the animosity is gone. And sometimes she'll go back to it and she'll start to cry or she'll see a show and she'll say, I'm so sorry and I'm like mom look I talk about this stuff because people need to hear it but at the end I always say I love my mom and and I would be so less um happy in my life without you and my children are so happy around you and you know we all mess up and it's like we picked up our stuff and we moved and we don't go back to that house we know where it is and we know what happened there and we can talk about it like you do about your childhood house or something but you don't live there you don't live there anymore just like you you've got to move out of the problem because you saw what happened to your brother and you're no good to those children gone you know yeah it's not it's not healthy behavior and so we yeah we have to do it i was going to

say we bring this back to the to the first fruits it also in uh matthew chapter six he talks about if you don't forgive 14 and 15 that you will not be forgiven that's jesus again just like the rich young ruler like you can talk all you want in faith but you're praying to a god who's not going to hear you he can't he's if he's obligated by his word and he says the criteria of forgiveness is forgiveness forget that you're the mom forget that you're anybody other than another human being who has breath that forgiveness is a must it's not a okay maybe i'll do it on my own time if you do not forgive you are not forgiven jesus gave parables about that they do she says she does

and i'm like that's not really forgiveness i'll tell you how stubborn this girl is lightning struck her house the last time they're young they're young though and imagine where we but god tried because lightning struck that house i i'm not i'm not saying for real but it did it blew her whole wall out um but here's the thing i did get to tell her on that day because i wrote the letters and everything and and my problem is interception it it's not the yeah yeah yeah no i understand there's the there's the yeah it's an interception thing and and but here's the best part i gotta say i love you and no matter how mad you are at me yes and no matter how much you hate me and no matter what you think or do moms don't quit like that and neither do dads like we don't just all of a sudden say like i hate you because you did blah blah blah like we don't do that that's still your parent and i think of her every single day and you get every day you sorry ryle

but i mean you're talking to somebody who went to multiple multiple foster homes as a kid my mother was 51 50 she was she was not at a good place and later on in life she kind of lost her mind through and through my childhood to my early adulthood and it was tough man and you know i always wished that the mom i grew up with that i knew who would have the mental breakdowns every couple years and every you know so many six months and then you know then it was just straight up bipolar every day and all this stuff and people you know demonic this and that maybe maybe not i don't know could be uh project everwood who knows because you know she was a product of the government after a while and they give you pills and so on but i wish i would have my mom back just for a day or two or i could enjoy a meal because it was so up and down remember one time where i just picked her up take her out to lunch cuss me out for nothing and then she'd be like oh like it just never happened. And it kind of destroyed me a lot. What's wrong with you? Yeah. But I never, I never gave up on her to the day she died. I always, cause you know, she's my mom, you know, and you get a pass. I'm sorry. You do. That's how this works, you know? And you can put boundaries

in place. Like I wish they had given me the opportunity to say, Hey lady, uh, we're getting married now. So you can't talk to us about ABC or else I'm really going to not talk to you. I would have responded a lot differently had i known that was even on the table like i didn't even know so it was such a huge abandonment when i had such huge abandonment issues my mom had mental health issues like yours like that was part of the issue is she kept she discharged a firearm in the house and so that was what brought the gangsta yeah it was bad and so you know and then she did almost community. complete by, uh, in the garage and, you know, all these horrible things. And, and my dad was in prison for even worse things. Okay. And, and yet if I had taken my dad away from my children, like, because, you know, you're a toxic, horrible person, look at you, you know, and, and not giving him the opportunity, my kids wouldn't have had the blessing of a really good grandpa. He was a really good grandpa. Same thing happened to my mom. Her dad was garbage when she was growing up. And it was so sad the other day, because she said, who was your safe person in your life? And I started to cry. I said, your abuser. And that is so hard, because he wasn't that way with me. Why? Because he told her the day I was born, I'm going to make it up to her what I couldn't do for you. You know, because I can't only say sorry to you, like the childhood is gone, you know. and he was he was everything for me he was all of the things plus you know these people do change people say nobody changes cut them off they're toxic and horrible that's not true that's simply not true and if you're the person that impedes it in the bible two things that the it says in the commandments about you know honoring your mother and father it's the only one that comes with a blessing and the days will be good with you all the days of your life it comes with a blessing first of all and second of all it says you don't abandon your parents when they get old you don't abandon it talks about abandonment not just honoring at your house thinking no bad thoughts of me that's not what it says you know that we have to be people with better integrity than just like what you said before about like even tithing laws like it's not the letter of the law you know darn well you're causing a whole bunch of pain to some people and it didn't just happen to me all of my kids that tore apart our family it tore up to pieces our family in almost seven years my kids my other kids that were so close i've seen her one time once that isn't healthy behavior and that tells me that you're not having healthy behavior in your next relationship and and that's not good for you you know do do i want you to get a divorce no you guys need to get to a healthy

boundary like like hey i need to see see my family i get that you don't want to move far away and she moved clear across the country and i think he was maybe worried that she wouldn't want to be there i don't know for sure because i never got to know him i met him two times and that was it you can't judge somebody on that you know you just can't and i think there's a culture oh go ahead

Yeah, no, I was just going to say real quickly, you know, there's true forgiveness, and then there's fake forgiveness, right? And true forgiveness is like true repentance. True repentance isn't like, oh, I'm sorry. And then you, you know, you continue to do the same thing over and over. If I go and take something from you, and I say, oh, I'm so sorry, you know, I'll never do that again. And then I go and do it again. You know, did I really feel bad for what I did before? Like true repentance means you, you turn, you said it earlier, you, you turn from your sin. That means you turn and you face God. You take ownership and you say, I'm, I'm sorry. Now we, we still make mistakes, but you, you, you turn from it and you try and you fight it and you, and you walk away from it. Okay. Like you don't keep doing the same thing over and over, you know, and, and true forgiveness is the same way. Like true forgiveness is different. it's really like hey i don't have to forget but i but i'm called to forgive and i'm going to choose not to let this weigh me down anymore i give it up i give up trying to carry this around i forgive you and it doesn't mean that like you have to be my best friend now or you have to just you know all the include me in every aspect of your life or whatever but just simply like i'm done carrying this and i release it and i'm sorry and i i release it from you and i release it from me. And there's a, there is something spiritual that happens when that happens, when real forgiveness happens, when real repentance happens, it, it changed, it can change people. It can change lives and people can change. People can change, you know, and just because, you know, I was a very different guy 20 years ago than I am right now. I'm even a different guy now than I was a year ago, you know, and that's probably over the last year has been the most changing my whole life. I know that sounds crazy, but it probably has. And it's because this I've also pressed into my faith way harder than I ever have before. And I've been a Christian for over 20 years, but I'm not playing around anymore because God straight up said, Hey dude, you're either hot or cold. I'm done with this lukewarm. I'm going to spit you out. You either stand with me or, or just go live in the world completely. Like for real, that was my, that was where I was at in my faith. It was either commit 100% or commit to doing the same thing I was doing before. There was no more playing games. And that's. where I'm at now but you know I I do know that people can change and my that's why my oldest son I think is so hard on me is because like I said he he saw all the shenanigans and then he sees me with his younger brother just so loving you know and like I I'll kiss my son on the face and say I love you 50 times and tell him how beautiful he is you know and I'm very affectionate you know I and that's something I chose to do because my dad he didn't tell me I love you till like he was like near his deathbed and then he finally must mustered the words I love you like my dad was the type of guy he'd just go like that and like rub the hair on my head and pat me on the back like I could remember a few times where my dad actually grabbed me and hugged me my dad just came from a generation

where men just weren't affectionate and I remember how that would make me feel because I just wanted to sit in my dad's lap and throw my arms around him and that just wasn't his thing you know what I mean so I I broke that cycle and I'm the opposite with my kids I'm like get over here let me you know and i kiss my sons you know what i mean and and i'm not ashamed of that you know

but right true forgiveness you would want to be with your family like he had no animosity for his mother because really it it was nothing for you you know what i mean like when you don't care anymore because you've really let it go then there would be nothing impeding that relationship

honestly yeah yeah and i tell i just say i've been telling people that i've a few people that I've been witnessing too. You be the change. You're upset about your co-workers and your circumstances at work, but don't just act like them. Be the co-worker that you wish you had. Don't just act like them. Be the bigger person because God will honor that. Be the parent that you wish that you had. Be the brother or sister that you wish you had. If you approach all your situations in your relationships that way, you're really going to grow. Stop for a minute and think about what you would want and then try to become that that's that's what it's all about and uh adrian i'm gonna pass it back to you we're gonna have to wrap it up because man my device is dying and i drank a bunch of coffee and i think we've been going for a while but i know what's crazy is like see that's what happens when you freestyle and let the spirit flow and i thank you so much heidi for coming on today because like this was real this was real raw and this was really unfiltered and you know when you show up things get real and we're real people with real problems and i hope it comes across because we there ain't uh there ain't one ounce of fakeness in this podcast not one he said he's done but he ain't done he ain't done go ahead bring it guys can think what you guys can think whatever you want about us you know what i mean but i love you

anyways i love you anyways yeah no i mean if you made it this far we were about a hour and 45 into it uh but i just want to say a couple things to bring it all back to first fruits you know god repented in genesis for making man but yet he gave his very heaven's very best for our salvation meaning for our our repentance our salvation our forgiveness he gave his very best so if you say like hey i'm not deserving of it my mom's not deserving of my dad doesn't deserve it well the bible says that god picked the israelites because they were the least of the least meaning they weren't worried they were they weren't worthy of what he had for them but yet he chose them we don't even choose our family so we have who we have but if we give our first fruits and honor god like he honored us good things are going to happen just trust god trust the process and i think uh i know i know you will be blessed so i will leave you with that god is good and uh yeah we'll see you on the next episode no heidi yeah you got you got you got a

final thought i don't want us all to share our finals because i got one more okay yeah yeah and

i'll let everybody know too you can find me at the unfiltered rise i'm everywhere podcasts are served you can find me at unfiltered rise podcast.com and if you want more of me on patreon for five bucks a month you get two more shows because i hate cutting anything i don't i just don't like doing anything like that. Um, so I just reward those who want more and, um, best place to find me also on socials is Instagram and X. I'm pretty active on both of those social platforms. If you want to talk to me, I'll answer your email. I try to answer people back all the time. So if you need help on that, I'm not a therapist, but I definitely can, um, you know, give a couple words of advice and pray for you or whatever that way. As for me, my last parts on this, this has been really good and really rewarding. I do think God, well, I know God brought this together for three people that have lost their brothers. Like there's no way that wasn't constructed by God. Also, you know, a lot of the things that we have, like me and you are having the same thing with our eldest children. Me and him have the same kind of thing with our mom, you know, forgive.

is a thing that it means it completely goes away as if it never happened. So it wouldn't keep you from anybody. And it wouldn't, you wouldn't hold, there's no, there's no check mark of until you're this perfect, right? That doesn't work for human beings. And so someday, if I am lucky enough to see my daughter again, it will be no different than the prodigal son. And I'll be happy to throw the door open and throw the dinner, you know, and I'll be just happy to see you. I mean, but you're just, you know, you have to understand, you know, the things you do sometimes come back on you and you don't want to have that happen in your relationship with your child because it just keeps continuing in these generational curses, really, honestly. It needs to stop and we all need to just, you know, grow in love and have God first. And if it was that, if God was first in everything we do, like there would be no exclusivity or like you can't come and you're not worthy. And God doesn't do that. God just doesn't do that. So we're all worthy. And he does choose which people we are united to in family. I truly believe that. Like, I believe that when he creates the spirit that he creates there, that it's not just some wacky science project, that he makes that family bond for a reason. This is why adopted kids go find their real families and other people. And not to say we're not all good in adoption as well, but it means something to those people. And I think it's really important, number one, that we do stick together as families, but also as brothers and sisters in Christ as in the adoption of Christ together as brothers and sisters which we've done often and I'm happy first time here but with Raul multiple times and I'm happy to always be raw and real because I really truly believe it will touch people you know honestly if God like I said if he makes me he can make a donkey do this I mean yeah he he could do that so I hope I'm not in that class but goodness sakes he sure has led me where I need to be and and he's created miracles for me in my life I know he can create miracles in your life and I know he's done it in Raul's life you know it sounds like he's working on your life as well you just had a big blessing so I just continue to hope that we're all really blessed in this holiday season coming up you know that we remember the things that we need to to keep our mind right and to be giving and charitable and fruitful and just, you know, brokenhearted, you know, churches for the sinners. I hate to tell people this, you know, the forgiveness is there for us. Like, uh, poor Paul. I, I, yeah, you know, I'm not quite the worst of the worst, but I was pretty

bad there for a while. So, you know, we all change. And so, um, I never did any crimes like that but like just the way i acted you know i used to say i'm still gonna do it i'm gonna make a shirt that says i'm sorry for what i said when i was morning because i was mean i was mean i wasn't like a sinner like outwardly like oh i'm gonna go steal things or hurt people like on purpose but i just didn't care i just was so abrasive and i have learned to let that go and it and it does it changes your life you know and bless others with even just your presence like you said you can tell when people are in the spirit you know and it sharpens iron it really does so um with that i hope everybody's well out there if you do need help there are so many suicide and drug abuse hotline numbers search them out in your local area and get help today so that's it for me

Yeah, thank you. And one last thing. I think Adrian said it best, like God gave us his best when he sent his son here to earth with his earthly ministry and he died for our sins. You guys, there's nothing greater than a relationship with the living God, the one who rose from the dead, the only God that rose from the dead, the one that history supports that he actually existed and, and, uh, his spirit is alive. It's, it was his, the Holy spirit was present here today on this podcast. and I thank you Jesus so much for what happened because there's somebody out there that needed to hear this and I don't wanna give God my scraps. I wanna give him my best and I wanna use the talent that he gave me to glorify him. It's not about me, it's about him and that's what we stand for here. One last thing I wanted to share with you guys because you were talked about Romans 8 and I had something pulled up on Romans 8 and this is for our loved ones that we lost but it says Romans 8 verses 38 through 39 For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things...

present nor things to come nor height nor depth nor anything created anything shall be able to separate us from the love of god which is in christ jesus our lord even death cannot separate us from our loved ones and death cannot separate us from god's eternal love you already know what time it is you guys thank you for joining us we'll see you next time protect your domes peace peace

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